Kristin Cavallari has a podcast like so many other celebrities. Last week she talked about her now-over marriage to Jay Cutler along with the fact that she’s dating again and finds it frustrating. Yahoo did a writeup and so I’m relying on that. Some of what Kristin said about dating resonated with me and I wanted to talk about it, particularly about how crazy it is. She says men are lazy and that she wants someone who will pursue her.
Kristin Cavallari… candidly answered all questions on the Call Her Daddy podcast, including the tougher ones — about what made her marriage with former NFL star Jay Cutler “toxic,” a word she has used to describe it in the past.
“So here’s my only thing because I have three kids with him,” the Very Cavallari alum began. “I’m very careful about what I say — if you and I don’t have microphones in front of us, I’d f***ing tell you — but that’s their dad and my oldest Googles us now and I just want to be very careful. My mom never said anything bad about my dad growing up [after they divorced] and I really respected that and I want to be that kind of mom.”
That said, “It was toxic. Period. End of story. That’s all I kind of need to say,” the 35-year-old answered.
Cavallari said that when she and Cutler got together, post-The Hills after a few party girl years, “At the time in my life, he was perfect for me,” saying it was “easy and fun.” However, she also spoke about “red flags” over “dealbreaker” behaviors.
“I called off [our] engagement [in 2011 for] the same reason I got a divorce,” she said. “Same reasons I should say. So I guess if there’s any take away from that is: You can’t ignore red flags.”
They announced their split in 2020, but says it was long overdue. “It took me a few years to actually pull the trigger to be honest for you,” she said.
The Uncommon James founder called divorce scary, sad but also “the best thing… With any relationship, you just have to realize what are dealbreakers for you … and I was really unhappy. That was the bottom line. And I was in an unhealthy relationship. So that, to me, is not worth it. Also, I didn’t want my kids thinking that that was normal. I wanted them to see me happy and see me — not right now, but eventually — with someone who really respects me and treats me the way I need to be treated.”
Since then, she’s been back in the dating game…
“Where I’m at currently in my life, I want to be pursued,” she said. “I want to be f***ing courted. I want the man to put in some f***ing effort. Because guys now — again, I was with Jay for 10 years, this is my first time dating in the social media world — it’s like it’s a f***ing shit show out there. I hate every second of it. But guys are lazy as f*** now — and they’re always looking for the next best thing. So it’s like, no, I’m sorry, I don’t have time for your little bulls*** anymore. Like let me see how serious you are and put in the effort. So, no, I’m not making the first move.
“Now I’m so different dating,” she said. “I see s*** a mile away and it’s like, no, I’m actually not going to put up with that.”
Given what I’ve heard about Kristin and Jay Cutler’s relationship, and frankly by how much they seemed to drink, I’m not surprised that she’s calling it “toxic.” I’ve mentioned this before, but when I was trying to date and found it frustrating I was comforted by the fact that it was a near-universal experience. I hadn’t dated using the apps before and I was kind of floored by how bad it was, and how unreliable and frankly mean some men were. She’s not wrong about that. Although I wouldn’t wish that experience on anyone, I found it reassuring that younger famous women were having the same issues I was.
As for men not putting in effort, I saw advice that boils down to “the way they show up in the beginning is the best it will ever be, if it feels off, move on.” It’s the same as “he’s just not that into you,” but it made more sense to me. I also read advice to fall in love with the way they treat you, not with the person you think they are. I wish I had taken that to heart earlier, but it helped me a lot. It’s true that many of the guys you meet on the apps are lazy, but I don’t entirely agree with wanting to sit back and be pursued. The guy has to reciprocate and make an effort definitely, but so many celebrities – Vanessa Hudgens and Sarah Hyland come to mind – found love by showing interest first. It has to be mutual.
Photos credit: Avalon.red, Cover Images and via Instagram
I’m bi and Black so it’s a bit different but I want to be pursued by a male partner – especially a white one and I totally understand what Kristin is saying here. Every word.
Men are lazy and overrate their value and a lot want perfection. So when someone like Kristin says they have to court me, I also read it as saying – they have to show me they have the goods and what they have to offer. It makes dating tougher but I reckon it will be worth it.
Why do you want to be pursued specifically by a white man? I’m just curious. I’m a black woman.
Hey sis. If I’m going to date a white man, he has to pursue me and show me what he has to offer. I think a lot of white men think they are better than Black women and I don’t live in an area with a lot of Black men. If it’s basically any other gender, I see it as more equal and I feel more comfortable – yeah let’s go!
I wouldn’t limit your dating pool to white men. I am a black woman and have dated a few white men, even the best of them had issues. Just some advice.
Is this for me? I can’t tell on mobile.
I must have worded this badly! I do not just date white men and I never would – yucky. My “taste” is the United Nations and I like people for who they are but I can’t ignore my experiences or as you and the other sis knows, racism!
Thanks sis x
There was an uproar on Black Twitter this weekend over a New York Times Vows column where a Black woman who was a VP at a Fortune company married a man who stood her up twice and then had their first date in a Popeye’s parking lot. A friend of his paid for the engagement ring.
It’s bad out there.
I think so much about online dating becomes about how much you’re willing to put up with when you should feel secure from the beginning and like there’s a mutuality there.
started in 2016 dating online. No shortage of dates (most were fun). Several were with weirdos that made great “worst date stories” and a few were creepy I left. Coming up on 5yrs from one of my okcupid dates lol.. I recommend folks have common sense and research how to online date before going that route. TWO friends of mine were sending money to men in foreign countries. SMH. Im a nurse. And so are they. But just…no common sense. They truly believed those men loved them. Nothing I said to them could stop them from sending these fools money.
Maybe they thought they’d end up on 90 day fiance. Lol
I don’t know. The idea of a man having to jump through all kinds of hoops for a relationship always seemed weird to me.
She doesn’t specify so I don’t know what she means but from what I saw of her personality in the few episodes of her show I watched…she is a lot? So what does SHE bring to the table? Is she looking for a man to admire her all day and be an accessory or is she looking for a partner?A relationship should be a partnership and if you go in with a list of demands I can’t see it working either.
If she means basics like being reliable and emotionally available – sure I can totally see guys these days not putting in the effort.
She talking about dating, so maybe the man could jump through one hoop? I’ve gone through so many bad first dates. Ones where the guy shows up late and looking like he just dropped off his trash at the city dump, or “ooops, I forgot my wallet,” or where he thinks I’m his therapist and only talks about himself and the problems he had with his ex-wife, or explains my job to me and criticizes what I’m wearing, or says the fateful deal breaker, “The trouble with you is…”
It appears you have met my former son in law. He hasn’t changed. Still gaslighting. Still blaming. Still the victim. Still lying. You walked away from a train wreck, not just a bad date!
I totally get what she’s saying. I’ve been on a lot of lazy first dates – like the guy is barely dressed nicely (just put on a nice shirt, pants nothing fancy), limited conversation skills, no hobbies at all and/or expect s*x immediately and I’m like “whoa I don’t know you, did we skip a couple steps?”. If there is no effort in the beginning of dating I’ll tap out bc it’s downhill from there.
The no hobbies is definitely a deal breaker, but so are addictive hobbies. I have dated so many men who have contemplated soiling themselves rather than stop playing video games or who could play for hours and get annoyed when you have one question to ask. I am 41 too, so this isnt just a 20 something hobby. Video games are fine if they know how to put it down. I sadly have dated many who can play 3-8 hours per day. Also any other addictions (drugs, alcohol,gambling, spending) are a no go for me at this point, which seems to really cull the herd and limit a lot of men.
BaronSemadi said: “So what does SHE bring to the table?”
I completely agree with this
I dont know how she expects serious courting when her every second word is f**cking 🙂
It’s true that dating is really f*cking difficult and can be so discouraging. And it is true that men can be lazy in the “pursuit” and during dating. I ready a NYT wedding announcement this weekend where the bride shared about how the groom cancelled on her twice and on third try proposed meeting at a Popeyes parking lot. It was discouraging that a women had to go through all that for her dream to be realized. I don’t think all men are lazy and suck but not enough are showing up and giving effort.
There are hilarious twitter threads on dating but suffice it to say if it was bad in the 90s, ’00s its even worse now. The apps are created through a cis straight man’s wants (even Bumble) which is why there is a heavy emphasis on photos (i.e. how you look) and its game-ified in that you can endlessly scroll thus giving the illusion to many men that they have vast options and not wanting to “settle” for anything other than perfect. That’s not to say ppl don’t find happiness on dating apps, they absolutely do and i know two couples that are now married b/c of dating apps. However if you are unsuccessful, know you aren’t alone and part of it is how these apps are designed.
Also I think dating (esp online) is reflective of our culture. It’s fast, easy, 24/7 access and trying to find something real in grounding in a world where the places most ppl spend their time the most on socially (i.e. IG, FB, Twitter, TikTokL) is free, easy, disposable and more often than not an illusion feels like you’re pushing a boulder on a very steep hill. But know its not just you its just how it is.
I’ll end with this, ppl shouldn’t lose hope but you should have perspective b/c even those ppl who are married/coupled how many of them have a healthy relationship that you wish for yourself? Meeting the “right person” boils down to luck. Some ppl find it but others don’t.
She’s right. If a man can’t be bothered to put in effort in the beginning, he isn’t worthwhile. It will only get worse. We all deserve a partner who really sees us and feels lucky to be with us, not to play games and settle.
I can definitely relate to a lot of what she says here. It took me a long time and several breakups before I had a partner with true complicity and respect. I have different priorities than when I was younger. I do think online dating is to blame for a lot of very low-effort behavior.
At 41, I see things differently than my 20s. I want a man who is accomplished and proud of what he does, not just someone who monotonously works, eats fast food, and plays video games (I know men in their 40s who have said lifestyle). I dated so many men in my 20s like I describe and was aok with it then, not now. I also don’t want a partyer (sadly I have seen men in their 40s heavily drink and go out all the time also). Both types seem to have Peter Pan syndrome. Maturity goes a long way. My friend said to me just last night she sees me marrying a mature man when I am in my early 50s because men take forever to mature. I am not opposed to dating a man in his 50s now as long as he has a passion for life and is still up for a road trip/adventure.
Dating sites just made everything very transactional. You can swipe left or right to the next one withtout a second thought. Ghosting is normalized. Sugarbabies are normalized.
I’m 51 female and single. The last time I tried online dating I was 34. And it was just men who wanted casual sex and ghosted me when they didn’t get it. Or I had to sit there and listen to them complain about past relationships and/or having to pay for dinners with no sex. I thought it was a cesspool back then. I am content to be single, enjoy my friends, travel. And not have to deal with the needy BS of men who just want someone to cook, clean and be a new mama for them. I’m just not wired that way. And I am grateful I have a good career I can afford to live on my own terms and don’t need anyone to support me.
But if you have a good relationshipa real ride or die partner in life. Hold on to that person for dear life and appreciate them. Lightning rarely strikes twice.
This is why men want 20-somethings and stay away from women their own age.
They can get away with stuff and won’t be held accountable for their words and actions.
It’s a real problem. Men need therapy. And boys need to be taught by their parents, especially their father how to behave and grow into real, decent and good human beings who treat women with respect and don’t shy away from being held accountable or evolving.
Basically, men get away with being children their whole life and women are asked to cater to it.
It’s sad.
Btw, I am a gay man who was previously very toxic and had years of therapy to heal traumas and grow the f**k up.
We get away with not having to, so most of us just don’t do the work.
Why would we when we can place our burdens on others who are willing to do the work for us? (women)
Men need to step up and evolve. Cavemen-days are over and women are smarter and better, time to wake up!
Period.
Thanks for this, and I’m so glad you’ve gotten the therapy you need in order to become the better person you are now. The cognitive and emotional labor that I have experienced along with many of my mom friends is beyond anything that should be expected of a single human. My husband tries his best and I’m not one to hold back in expressing my feelings but he was brought up in that traditional and religious household of his mom doing everything for him, his brothers, and his dad and his dad hardly lifting a finger to raise the kids except to go maybe express some interest in sports that he himself found interesting. So it’s a lot of work and he’s better but still not great. It’s hard to change once you’re a adult. His parents and all of his siblings are still trapped in that mindset/relationship though. I look back at the first ten years of our marriage and think how toxic the entire family dynamic they had was and I just went along with it because I thought this was how it was supposed to be and I didn’t want to rock the boat. We’re talking like everyone getting together and the men all going to watch some sports game drinking beer while the women stayed with the kids and cooked for everyone. I hated it because most of it happened before we even had kids and i wanted to watch sports too! But I did it anyway. I’m glad we both see it the same now though. Also, lot of religious trauma to get through as well.
I’m in a pretty friendly LGBT area and I’ve noticed many of my friends who I assumed were straight (since I only knew them to date guys) are now dating other women. One is a knockout former dancer who owns a successful business who dated a guy on and off for 10 years who was a loser and is now with a lovely woman who treats her amazingly and is so happy. Women have become better catches these days it seems. If my husband dies (he better not leave me!) im totally fine with being single forever and get more dogs and cats and focus on my kids and hobbies.
“how unreliable and frankly mean some men were” – honestly? it’s awesome they show their true face so early))))
She’s not wrong at all, I had horrible dating experiences after ending a long term relationship when I turned 30 about ten years ago. Cheaters, guys who were really in need of therapy, guys who kept dating other people on apps and lying about it, it was horrid. I eventually gave up even though I really wanted a family which was painful, but now I’m 38 and finally met a man who treats me amazing (through work, not apps). It was a loooong time coming though and I could not believe the number of guys in their thirties still doing a lot of party drugs, non stop video gaming, porn 24/7, and laziness towards potential partners. Insane. I felt like shit with those guys.