Chris Brown dons waist cincher and robot arm for new album cover

graffiti-album-cover

The album artwork for Chris Brown’s supposed “comeback” album, Graffiti, has been leaked, and it’s strange to say the least. While there are no references to Rihanna or any of that debacle on the image, it does leave you with a giant, cartoon-like question mark floating above your head. Like… why the waist cincher? I’ve long been a fan of that old adage “Nothing makes a man sexier than a waist-cincher.” Is that not an adage? Maybe it’s an idiom. Or just good, common sense advice. Okay it’s none of those, but I fully intend on saying it enough that it becomes a saying. And Chris Brown is right there with me, trying with all his might to make the man waist-cincher happen.

By freakish coincidence, I was actually looking at waist-cinchers on Etsy last night. Just one of those things where one link leads to another and you end up searching for things you never knew existed. So I can tell you that they come in a wide variety of styles, including lace-up corset types, jacquard fabric, intricate leather belts, with boning, etc. The possibilities are endless. But, as a general rule, they are for women.

But that doesn’t stop Chris Brown! Now his waist cincher doesn’t really seem to be cinching his waist at all – he’s just using it as the world’s thickest belt. But it’s probably reassuring for him to know that should he overindulge in a late night of drinking and carb loading, that belt will cover most of his sins. Most of them. When you’re wearing pants that are exceptionally tight in the crotch (but appear to be comparatively baggy below the knee), you’ve got to look your best.

It’s hard to go over all the things that are wrong about Brown’s album cover. But a sampling: Brown is obviously borrowing heavily from Kanye. From the sunglasses, the haircut, and the facial hair styling, it’s very similar. I’m not going to say that’s entirely a bad idea – Kanye’s very successful and influential, especially in terms of his influence on style. Yet I’m quite certain Kanye’s never sported a “bionic hand,” as PopEater pointed out. Kanye needs his regular human hand to be readily available for pushing people away from microphones and holding his liquor before awards shows. Chris might want to keep that in mind. And PopEater also points out, it certainly begs the question: how does Chris Brown even work his spray can nozzle with his robot hand? I think you’d lose a lot of important control over your graffiti subject, and your tags would look all wonky.

Personally I’ve never been a big fan of a turtleneck on a man. It just strikes me as too fussy, even if he does have a giant guitar slung casually over the back of his shoulders – as we all do, at some point in the day. If I had a nickel for every time my guitar accidentally ended up on my shoulders… And then I’m looking for my guitar all over the place. It’s like searching for your glasses and finding them on top of your head. Can’t see the guitar back there, and it’s just such a natural place to put it that you’d easily forget altogether.

No idea about those cartoon characters. But they sorta remind me of the Looney Tunes critters in “Space Jam.” Oh and speaking of the Kanye/Chris Brown connection, it was revealed last year that Kanye likely has a ghost blogger, a guy named Marcus Troy. Given how similar the style is between Kanye’s blog and Brown’s, Celebitchy pointed out to me that they’re probably using the same ghost blogger. Innovative.

The only thing I will give Brown credit for: he showed enough restraint not to have the retouchers enhance his package. And that’s gotta be tough to resist when you’re wearing man-leggings.

Here’s Chris performing during POWER 105.1′s Powerhouse concert in East Rutherford, New Jersey last Tuesday. Images thanks to Fame Pictures .

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23 Responses to “Chris Brown dons waist cincher and robot arm for new album cover”

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  1. Leni says:

    You are so right Jaybird. The only thing you left out are his boots. Dang those look silly enough to trip over. Man leggings are soooo gay looking, but then so are tight turtlenecks…look at Tom Cruise with his man boobs.
    I must admit I am over 40 so I am totally out of whack with current style, but he certainly was not gong for the straight man look.

  2. JayBird says:

    I figured if I went over every single thing that struck me as off about the cover, I could write for hours.

    When you take each element on its own, they’re sort of bizarre. But they actually become more so when you look at it as a whole. Also, I’m not sure what the background is supposed to be. A vague planet? With part of another planet or the moon covering it? Space? One of those collectible plates from the Bradford Exchange?

    I’m going with the latter, since I can see it’s displayed on a commemorative plate stand.

  3. Firestarter says:

    I hope the album is an epic failure!

  4. Celebitchy says:

    I can spend hours on Etsy. I have decided I’m going to try and get most of my Christmas presents there. That might not be a waist cincher – maybe his pants are super high and he’s folding them down.

  5. JayBird says:

    That’s possible, although that would mean he has buttons sewn on the inside of his pants. It reminds me of the pirate style. I’d go find one on Etsy as an example, but once I start there I’m lost for the day.

  6. hannah says:

    wow, this is…just bad. its weird, but not thought provoking or edgy, just odd. like when you have a great painting, but you just keep adding to it thinking it will improve it, and then by the end it is a disaster, lacking any coherence or direction. thats what this is to me.

  7. girl says:

    If you’ve never been there before, try http://www.regretsy.com for a laugh.

  8. Praise St. Angie! says:

    did he have that made at the Point Pleasant Boardwalk?!

  9. Jeri says:

    He is fallin fast – you can’t say his “Star” is fallin fast cuz he was not that big. Accurate to say his “Exclamation Point” is fading…fading…fading….

  10. wildflower says:

    “Why, Mr Brown! What a bionic arm you have!”

    “All the better to beat you with, my dear…”

  11. Corina says:

    hahaha it’s totally a Bradford collectible plate you would see advertised with the coups in the Sunday newspaper!

  12. Kerri says:

    What was he thinking??? Did he sneak into Rihanna’s closet to get those?

    I can’t stand guys who wear their pants so tight that is squeezes everything under. is that supposed to be attractive to the female population – not in my books.

    Poor Things – I can just imagine them screaming for help!!!

    Wildflower – excellent LOL

  13. Zarah says:

    He looks ridiculous, trying way too hard. He’s got some nerve releasing an album not even a year after his crime. The smart money would have been to take some time out of the spotlight, address his anger management issues via counselling or therapy, visit a country where the general population is experiencing some devastating real life problems to gain some prospective and generally lie low for awhile. But no, it’s business as usual for him. Because he simply doesn’t get that he did something wrong. And that is the most disturbing bit in all this drama.

  14. Firestarter says:

    @Corina- Hahahaha! Good call!

  15. Westender says:

    At first I thought it was Will Smith in a movie poster for “Men in Black 3″!!

  16. Ally says:

    Check out the site Regretsy.com too — it showcases the most hideous things listed there.

    As concerns the dopey album cover, they also photoshopped Brown to make him look slimmer. Now he looks like a voguin’ Benny Ninja (ANTM).

  17. Kevin says:

    Good 1 Wildflower! Put the telecaster down you freakin poser. How’s a brother sposed to fret his ax with robo digits?

  18. GatsbyGal says:

    Chris Brown has officially lost his shit if he thinks this look is “cool.” WTF is going on with his body? It looks like Chris Brown’s head on a flat-chested woman’s body. And the guitar? You can’t play guitar, Chris, okay? Stop it. And the cartoon things in the corner…I am so lost. Nothing about this is hip or awesome. Who’s going to look at this album and want to buy it?

  19. Kylie says:

    I actually LOVE IT!!!! But I do love my gay boys. I actually think it looks cutting edge and hot! It beats plain old jeans and a t-shirt.

  20. :) says:

    wooooow! it’s like he’s trying to be the terminator (bionic hand, glasses) AND angelina jolie (tight black pants, sessy pout, fierce pose) at the same time!

  21. lway says:

    He is SO gorgeous. However, the pants that he’s wearing on the album cover has got-to-go. They’re nasty and do nothing for his figuire, darling ……. :)

  22. gg says:

    You only hold your guitar like that if you’re about to El-Kabongg somebody over the head with it.

    * See, Deputy Dog cartoons.

  23. JaNa'e says:

    i have never been a fan of men who wear skinny jeans, isn’t that uncomfortable?

    anywho, i’ll still be getting the album. that ‘i can transform ya’ song has been in my head for days