Kirstie Alley gives an interview about her “religion” Scientology in this week’s issue of In Touch. In it, she defends Tom Cruise and says that Scientology is as valid – and complex – as any other religion, and deserves the same respect. Alley also says that Scientologists have their own language, and that’s why Tom Cruise came off as such a nutball (my word, not hers) in all the Scientology videos that have been released over the last two weeks. She compares us listening to them to a Rabbi talking to Christians. I’m not sure how offended I should be by that.

The videos were made for Scientologists. And – we use abbreviations a lot – Tom was using words meant for a Scientology audience. On the web, the video is taken out of context. It’s like a rabbi addressing a Christian church speaking in Hebrew – no one would understand him.

[From In Touch, print edition, February 4, 2008]

Alley also goes on to say that the videos were edited to make Tom seem foolish. I don’t want to be a total bitch here, but it doesn’t take a lot to make Tom Cruise seem foolish. He does a pretty good job left to his own devices.

There’s a lovely section on how Scientologists help people during catastrophes. You know, like how they rushed to the World Trade Center, and continue to honor themselves for their 911 detox program. They were also ever-present (and apparently ever annoying) after the Virginia Tech shootings and the Oklahoma City bombing:

“We have different things called “assists.” For example, after the Oklahoma City bombing, I went in with the Red Cross to help give kids that were in comas assists and after, all of them were doing better. Did I cure them? I’m not going to say I did. The word is assist, you can assist something to be better. That’s why Tom said, ‘We’re Scientologists. It’s our responsibility.'”

[From In Touch, print edition, February 4, 2008]

You “assist something to be better.” That’s a good example of Scientology phrasing. I will point out that one common feature of cults is unusual verbiage and repetition of phrases specific to that cult. It’s also a common technique used to brainwash someone.

And what of Tom’s prestigious “Freedom Medal of Valor” that he’s shown receiving in one of the videos?

“You win Freedom Medal in our church by doing something extraordinary – about the call of duty in the area of human rights or civil rights. I won one once – I was an international spokesperson for Narconon, which is a drug rehab and education program.

[From In Touch, print edition, February 4, 2008]

Narconon is one of the sneakier Scientology scams. It’s designed to sound like Al-anon, Narcotics Anonymous, and Alcoholics Anonymous. You don’t really think about it when you hear the name, and you assume Narconon, which is run by the church of Scientology, is related to these other legitimate twelve step programs. Narconon is just another program used by Scientologists to take advantage of desperate, vulnerable people. But Alley has no problem shilling for it to In Touch.

Kirstie also describes how Scientology saved her life. She says that while driving to California to become an actress, it took her 26 days to get there because she had to stop and score cocaine all over the country. She then supposedly walked into ONE Scientology session and came out never craving drugs again.

[From In Touch, print edition, February 4, 2008]

Kirstie Alley concludes the interview by talking about how Scientologists aren’t perfect, but they want the same decency and “unbigotedness” (I think she means freedom of religion) that every other religion receives. Of course to request that, you’d have to debate the definition of religion… and the definition of a cult.

Picture note by Jaybird: Here’s Kirstie Allen at the Mission Impossible III premiere in L.A on 5/4/2006. Images thanks to PR Photos.