‘Tis the season for royal reimaginings. In recent months, we’ve been getting some insane excerpts from Russell Myers’ royal biography of the Prince and Princess of Wales, only the book seems to be mostly about Prince Harry and Meghan. Well, now royal biographer/commentator Hugo Vickers has a new book as well, a book called Queen Elizabeth II. Guess who this book is really about? Winner winner chicken dinner, it’s obviously all about Harry and Meghan. The catch is that all of Harry and Meghan’s actions are being seen through QEII’s eyes and filtered through a pearl-clutching royalist. Vickers is so hellbent on pouring scorn all over Harry and Meghan, he makes the dead queen sound absolutely ghastly. Hey, maybe that IS the big reveal of this book: QEII sucked. Feels weird that so many royal biographers have come to the same conclusion, even if they aren’t saying it outloud. Some highlights from the Mail’s excerpts of Vickers’ book:

Harry & Meghan’s engagement: Meghan – a divorced American actress whose multi-racial origins also introduced a modern element into the Royal Family – spoke with confidence, though stretched credulity by suggesting that on their first date she had not known much about who Prince Harry was. More pointedly, the two of them appeared to share a strong interest in Commonwealth countries and a commitment to work positively. Although the prince would never have been allowed to marry a divorcee at an earlier time in Queen Elizabeth’s reign, the union was welcomed by a younger, more tolerant generation.

Prince Philip’s nickname for Meghan: Even the Royal Family seemed to be bending unspoken rules for Markle: unlike previous royal fiances, she was invited to join the Queen and the Royal Family at Sandringham for Christmas 2017, and attended church with the family. The staff at Sandringham joyfully surrounded the couple at the annual Christmas party and nicknamed the actress ‘Sparkle’. Prince Philip, however, was not taken in. He referred to her dryly as ‘the American’.

The Windsors begged Harry to slow down or dump Meghan: The view Prince William expressed privately – that Harry should take more time to get to know her – contributed to a lasting rupture between the brothers. But their father also had doubts. Prince Charles took the line that Lord Mountbatten had taken with him before he started courting Diana: have fun, but don’t marry her. The Queen herself suggested that Harry should wait a year. He did not take her advice. Instead, as we know, the wedding went ahead just over six months after the couple’s engagement.

Vickers is mad that Bishop Michael Curry spoke at the Sussexes’ wedding: A particular feature of the service was Bishop Michael Curry from Chicago, who milked his moment, exhorting the congregation on the power of sacrificial, redemptive love, and the importance of fire. The decibels rose, the bishop talked on, the television cameras picked up the bemused expression on the groom’s face, the well-trained thespian gaze of rapture on the bride’s, the studied, noncommittal look of the Queen, and amused horror on the faces of the younger members of the Royal Family, who should have been more careful. The poor conductor of the Gospel Choir was poised on high heels for an agonising eight minutes until the bishop finally ran out of steam.

Meghan’s absent family: Given how quickly the new Duchess of Sussex turned popularity to media hostility, it is worth noting contemporary views. Many had been alarmed that the bride had no family members to support her other than her mother.

QEII hated Meghan’s wedding gown: It was said that the Queen did not like the dress – too white and with ungainly shoulders. Someone close to the monarch told me her attitude to the actual wedding was: ‘You get on with it. It’s nothing to do with me.’

Vickers’ view of the Sussexes’ marriage: My own view of the Sussex marriage, jotted in my private diary, was: ‘It will either be a huge success or a monumental failure. Meghan said: “It’s a new chapter.” How many chapters are there? ‘Will she tire of nice, vulnerable, non-cerebral Prince Harry and head back to the States to become President of the USA? It’s not impossible. She’s an actress, so you can’t tell what she’s thinking. I wonder how it will pan out?’

[From The Daily Mail]

It’s so f–king funny to me that these people are STILL fuming about Harry and Meghan’s wedding, eight years later. That’s how you know that the Sussex wedding went really well, that it captured people’s imaginations, that people felt like it really was a fairytale. We know the wedding was one of the biggest and most important moments in the history of the modern monarchy because they’re still crying about it and trying to lecture everyone about why the wedding was actually really bad, for REASONS! Reasons like… QEII didn’t like Meghan’s gown, Meghan didn’t introduce those horrible people to her family (some of whom were there), a Black bishop spoke and forced racist royals to make terrible faces, and above all else, the family was furious that they couldn’t stop the wedding in the first place. The bit about now-King Charles telling Harry to just date Meghan and not marry her is new information, as is the part about QEII encouraging Harry and Meghan to wait a year to get married. Bonkers. I sort of love how Vickers is desperately trying to make Harry & Meghan sound horrible but he’s actually making everyone else sound like complete a–holes, especially the dead queen and her dead cousband.

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red, Cover Images.