When we first wrote about Heidi Montag’s embarrassing Miss Universe performance, I noted that while I thought it was awful, I didn’t believe it was half-assed. That’s a phrase I’d started to say just to describe how bad it was, but when I looked it over I realized that wasn’t the problem at all. The problem was I honestly believed Heidi put her all into that performance – it’s just that her all still sucks. She can give it everything’s she’s got, but without some basic, fundamental talent, there’s nothing to work with. It’s like multiplying something by 0 – you just end up with 0. You gotta have something to work with!

Well it turns out my theory has been proven absolutely correct: Heidi really did give it her full ass, so to speak. She practiced for over 45 hours. Can you believe THAT’S what 45 hours of hard work gets her? Can you even imagine what it must have looked like when she started? What a horrid, horrid thought. Heidi’s choreographer for some reason loved her, and tried to be as gentle as he could. He kept repeating over and over again “she’s not a dancer.” Dude, we noticed. You didn’t make her into one either. But obviously he’d ruin his credibility if he said she was great. So this is what he came up with instead.

Michael Schwandt, who choreographed this year’s Miss Universe pageant, has spent the past four years working with some of the sexiest women in the world. In this exclusive Guanabee interview, he tells us why Latin contestants dominate, what it was like teaching Heidi Montag to dance and the surreal experience of working with Donald Trump.

So, of course, we have to ask about Heidi Montag. What was it like working with her?

I’ve actually not seen most of The Hills, so I think that was a good thing going into this because, y’know, I heard from so many friends, “Oh my God I can’t believe you’re working with her.” But she was actually super, super nice and she was very driven on this project. She rehearsed her butt off. I think we had initially scheduled about fifteen rehearsals, which is a lot for a 2 ½ minute performance.

So how many– how long was that rehearsal process? If you’re scheduling 15 rehearsals, what’s the total amount of time that’s going into that?

We kept them at about three or four hours, because I knew she was not a dancer and I didn’t want to overwhelm her. Plus, she’s got a busy shooting schedule. So we kept them to about three to four hours.

That performance was rehearsed for forty-five hours?

Yeah. We actually ended up adding more. She wanted to add more because she wanted to be more prepared. I actually only had two weeks of rehearsal with her and then I had to leave her with an assistant choreographer, and then that assistant had to go to join me at Miss Universe so then the dance captain took over for the last week, the lead dancer on the project. And the dancers themselves had, I think, four rehearsals in LA and then two rehearsals in the Bahamas. But she was very nice, very accommodating. Even all the way up to the moment we were backstage, she was just praising me for helping her get to that point, praising me for connecting her with the dancers who she loves and wants to use in the music video. It was all good. And I know that’s not what most people want to hear, but that’s the truth.

Did you see her after the performance? What was her reaction?

Of course I saw her right after and she was just on cloud nine. She was just ecstatic. I will say she’s not a dancer, and one of the reasons we worked so hard is because she wants to be a pop star, and she wants to be able to move. And I think, given that she’s never danced on stage before, I thought she did really, really well.

I try not to read what people say, and I looked at some of the YouTube comments and things like that and there were people ripping her apart. And I’ve seen a lot worse performances by some pretty big name celebrities on award shows. I mean, really. Katy Perry is not the best dancer, and she did a pretty poor performance, in my opinion, at the Grammy Awards and nobody slammed her. And I think what Heidi did was actually pretty on par with some of the pop celebrities out there today.

I think people are being unusually mean to her because they don’t like her for whatever reason, but I honestly think that she did the best that she could, and I think that her performance, comparatively to a lot of other pop stars out there, was actually pretty much right on. And that’s how I feel about it. People are just being unusually mean to her because they don’t like her for this, that or the other reason. Whatever your reasons are, whether or not you think she deserves to have an album, that’s neither here or there. I look at it as what the individual performance was and I thought she did a good job.

[From Guanabee]

Aw, how nice and gentle. Something tells me this guy won’t be getting hired by Katy Perry anytime soon. And the reason people don’t make fun of Katie’s dancing is because she is not as universally loathed as Heidi. Simple as that. Miss USA actually defended Heidi and said, “‘I thought it was pretty good because she’s known as being a reality TV star, so it’s cool that she came out as a performer, as a dancer and singer,’ [Kristen] Dalton, 22, tells Us.’” Basically said Heidi did an okay job at something that she’s not good at. There we go.

In related Heidi and Spencer news, Spencer got into an epic douche-off with Ryan Seacrest. He and the Sea used to be buds, and they’d call into his radio show to give him bizarre exclusives no one wanted to hear about. But then Ryan said he’d taser Heidi if he could and everything went to sh*t. Now Spencer has threatened to out Seacrest. And his knowledge of Ryan’s sexual proclivities comes from where? Oh right, powers of observation. We’ve all got those buddy.

And in an attempt to out-douche himself, Spencer said if Heidi gets pregnant, her options are adoption or divorce, and that’s it. What a classy guy. And in case you’re not totally nauseous yet (don’t worry, I’m almost done) Spencer is legally changing his name to King Spencer Pratt. You may now vomit, loyal subjects.

Here’s Heidi and Spencer arriving at LAX on August 24th. Images thanks to WENN.com .