Back seven years ago, whenever a terrible story about Prince Andrew came out, the British press would immediately get some palace briefing directing them to throw the Duke and Duchess of Sussex under the bus. These days, the royalist media is still obsessed with everything to do with Prince Harry and Meghan, but it sometimes feels like stories about Andrew randomly pop up whenever there’s any kind of Sussex news. Like right now – most royalists are singularly interested in the Sussex family’s trip to the UK. Weirdly, two new Andrew stories popped up at the same time. I don’t have a particular conspiracy about this, it’s just weird.

The first story which popped up a few days ago was about Andrew’s security. In June, some guy started shouting at Andrew and menacing him in Norfolk. Andrew’s security team got Andrew out of there in a hurry, and the would-be assailant was apprehended and arrested. Sources close to Andrew told the Telegraph, in part, “This is a clear demonstration of the fact that you cannot un-invent a member of the Royal family. Regardless of the fact that Mr Mountbatten-Windsor has had his titles removed and is no longer a working royal, he still continues to face security threats. There is just as much of a risk to him from fixated individuals as there is to any active members of the Royal family, if not more so because of all the publicity surrounding him. Despite all that has happened and is happening, he has no choice but to remain the current monarch’s brother and son of the late Queen Elizabeth II.” This is doing a lot of heavy lifting: “if not more so because of all the publicity surrounding him.” He’s talking about the Epstein Files. He’s talking about all of the photos where he’s doing really creepy stuff to girls and women.

Well, true to form, Andrew isn’t going to just sit around his rent-free home in Norfolk and enjoy his completely free royal protection. Remember when Andrew was photographed with a massively bruised face earlier this month? Well, it turns out that he had just come back from a luxury vacation with an Arab billionaire. I’ll bet.

Disgraced Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor secretly sneaked away from his exile on the Sandringham estate for a luxury freebie holiday courtesy of an Arab billionaire, the Daily Mail can reveal. The former Duke of York enjoyed what has been described as a relaxing weekend break in rural Brittany as the VIP guest of a horse breeding tycoon from the UAE.

He was invited by sportswear billionaire Mohammed A Baker to stay at his acclaimed stud farm set in a rural location close to St Malo in north-west France. But intriguingly it seems the trip may have ended in a serious mishap because just 72 hours after his return to his home in Norfolk Andrew was photographed with a badly bruised face – meaning the mystery injury which caused it is likely to have occurred during his stay in France.

The former prince is understood to have travelled to Dinard Airport from Norwich International by private jet, laid on by Mr Baker on Saturday 30 May, spending three days at the remote stable complex, before returning on the evening of Monday 1 June. The widely-discussed bruise photo was taken on the morning of June 4.

During his free trip Andrew rode horses on a sweeping French beach, played boules in an historic courtyard and was lavishly entertained with meals prepared by a private chef. The undercover getaway is believed to have been at the suggestion and expense of his host. Andrew spent the three days at the Gulf tycoon’s sprawling stud farm, MAB Stables, which is home to around 130 thoroughbreds and their various foals.

Mr Baker – who uses the initial A as a business flourish – is a billionaire with extensive business and social contacts across the Middle East. Despite the deliberately low-key nature of the fallen royal’s trip to visit him, it did become known to other locals. One was acclaimed French racehorse trainer Arthur Desprez who runs his own equestrian business, Ecurie Desprez, close to Mr Baker’s stud farm and has dealings with him in that capacity. Mr Desprez told the Daily Mail: ‘Prince Andrew was the guest of Mohammed Baker. He stayed at his house.’

He refused to discuss the trip further but we also spoke to a farm worker who had seen comings and goings around the MAB. He told us: ‘The royal man came for a few days. He had a bodyguard with him, just one. Mohammed was in France for a few days and must have invited him to stay. It would have been a relaxing weekend. They rode horses together. There is a path straight from the farm to the beach which is a couple of kilometres away. It’s a very beautiful spot and very empty. They like to take the horses there and run on the beach. The prince and Mohammed also played boules together in the courtyard, outside the main house. The prince stayed in the house where Mohammed lives. It is a big house and it has lots of bedrooms. And the food and wine when he is your host is of exceptional quality.’

[From The Daily Mail]

What’s crazy is that there’s zero quid pro quo at this point. You know what I mean? It’s not like Andrew can go on these weekends away and be expected to provide introductions or be someone’s useful idiot or do some light espionage. Andrew has nothing to offer anyone. Yet wealthy weirdos still want to hang out with him. Birds of a feather, I suppose. That’s when you know you’re in the freakiest friendship group – no one even wants anything from you, they just want to hang out with you despite your terrible personality and well-documented degeneracy. (Given the bruise, maybe it’s some sort of fight club??)

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red, Backgrid.