Lindsay Lohan’s plan: hire a lawyer who looks like beef jerky & appeal forever


Crackhead drama queens don’t take the weekend off, especially when they only have a few weeks of crack drama left before going to jail, so there is a ton of new Lindsay Lohan info today. First off, Lindsay Lohan does not believe she is going to go to jail. She’s hatched a crack scheme to ensure that doesn’t do the 90 days in jail. Lindsay’s plan? She’s going to appeal, appeal, appeal, hoping to draw this thing out for a year or longer. Is this all because she doesn’t want to kick her pack-a-day habit? No smoking in jail, poor Raspy LiLo.

Lindsay Lohan has figured out how to work the legal system and possibly stay out of jail for six months to a year, has learned exclusively. A source close to the situation tells that by appealing her 90-day jail sentence for a probation violation, Lindsay will buy herself some time.

“Lindsay’s lawyer only has to file a notice of appeal with Judge (Marsha) Revel, and under terms of California law–particularly misdemeanor probation appeals–the defendant must be granted bail,” the source said, “Judge Revel will be forced to give Lohan bail pending the appeal, and Lilo wouldn’t even have to appear in front of Judge Revel again.”

The insider goes on to say, “the appeal will take six months to a year to be heard. It’s highly unlikely that Lohan’s appeal will be successful. However, it will keep her out of jail for at least the next six months to a year.”

While Judge Revel is required to legally grant her bail, the source added: “Judge Revel could order Lohan into the 90 day in-patient rehab program immediately.” first reported Lindsay’s attorney Shawn Chapman Holley quit on Thursday after finding out that Lindsay was lawyer shopping. A source close to Lohan says, “Lindsay met with two prominent criminal defense attorneys on Wednesday, but both refused to take the case because of her bad attitude. Lohan blames everyone around her for her circumstances, and she is absolutely unaccountable. She is an attorney’s worst nightmare because she simply refuses to follow any advice that she disagrees with.”

If she isn’t given a reprieve, Lohan will begin serving her 90 day jail sentence on July 20.

[From Radar]

Yes, Lindsay has been doing some lawyer-shopping, looking for someone crazy enough to think that her ass should NOT go to jail. One of those lawyers is a Chicago-based attorney named Stuart Goldberg. He’s as big of a famewhore drama queen as Lindsay, and has already started making statements to the press about Lindsay (TMZ video here). However, Radar is claiming that Mr. Goldberg has not officially been hired (photo of Mr. Goldberg’s beef jerky self is below):

42442, LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - Friday July 9 2010. An unidentified smartly-dressed man, thought to be Lindsay Lohan's new lawyer, was dropped off at a hotel in Beverly Hills by Lindsay's assistant. When asked if he was working for the troubled Ms Lohan he said that he could not comment. Photograph:   David Tonnessen,

Despite rumors to the contrary, Chicago lawyer Stuart V. Goldberg has not been hired to represent Lindsay Lohan, can exclusively report.

“Stuart Goldberg is not Lindsay’s new attorney,” Lohan’s New York legal rep Stephanie Ovadia tells us.

Ovadia, a highly-regarded New York attorney who is representing Lindsay in her lawsuit against E*Trade, adds that “no attorney has been chosen as of now.

“The family is still in the process of interviewing.”

The news may come as a surprise to Goldberg, whose rep sent a statement that Lindsay and her mother “hired Stuart V. Goldberg as her new attorney” after a meeting Friday night.

Goldberg, who is also a screenwriter and fiction-writer, is not a member of the California Bar Association, according to a search of the organization’s website.

Lindsay has been sentenced in 90 days in jail followed by 90 days in rehab for violations to the conditions of her DUI probation. She’s complained that her “human rights” have been violated and has vowed to appeal the sentence.

Her search for a new attorney follows the decision of Lohan’s respected previous attorney Shawn Chapman Holley to quit representing the troubled starlet.

[From Radar]

And lastly, we have Lindsay’s renewed friendship with Samantha Ronson. Sam came to visit Lindsay over the weekend. I’m sure that was a great time, for real. Do you think Sam is trying to just be kind? Trying to be nice to someone with a lot of problems? Or is there something else going on? In any case, Sam got her high horse and defended Lindsay against some rather dumb jokes made by Joan Rivers. Joan is on Twitter, and she was throwing out one-liners like “Lindsay Lohan is so dumb. Her idea of being sworn in is cursing at the judge.” My favorite: “Lindsay Lohan had ‘F-ck You’ painted on her nails. What people don’t know is that the judge had ‘Eat me you party skank,’ painted on hers.” That one is actually half-decent, so props to Joan. So Sam tweeted to Joan: “”Hey Joan Rivers. You have collagen older than Lindsay, pick on someone your own age, oh wait I guess people that old can’t hear”. Wait, is Sam saying that Lindsay’s collagen is newer than Joan’s? Ha.

UPDATE: Oh, I missed this! Page Six is reporting that my girlfriend Judge Marsha Revel has ordered Shawn Chapman Holley (Lindsay’s lawyer, who quit her ass this past week) to stay on as Lindsay’s lawyer of record, at least until Lindsay finds a new one. Page Six’s source says: “The judge told Holley she can’t quit and leave Lindsay without representation. She has to stay on the case until Lindsay has a substitution of attorney filed with the court.” Apparently, Shawn quit because Lindsay “won’t take or follow advice. She is not returning calls, and so they haven’t been able to set up meetings with her and a psychologist for her court-ordered psychiatric evaluation.” Do you think Lindsay can get it together in time for an appeal? I have my doubts. So, Shawn Chapman = Still defending a crackhead.

42442, LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA - Friday July 9 2010. An unidentified smartly-dressed man, thought to be Lindsay Lohan's new lawyer, was dropped off at a hotel in Beverly Hills by Lindsay's assistant. When asked if he was working for the troubled Ms Lohan he said that he could not comment. Photograph:   David Tonnessen,

Hollywood starlet Lindsay Lohan has an expletive written on her middle finger during a probation status hearing at the Beverly Hills Municipal Courthouse, in Beverly Hills, California on July 6, 2010.   UPI/David McNew/Pool Photo via Newscom


Lindsay Lohan on July 9 & 10, 2010. Credit: Fame.

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46 Responses to “Lindsay Lohan’s plan: hire a lawyer who looks like beef jerky & appeal forever”

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  1. ! says:

    “Eat me you party skank”. That IS pretty good.

  2. ! says:

    Also, I love how in the top picture there are two girls in the background pulling that high school-esque “OMG look there goes that bitch” pose.

  3. Fluffy Kitten Tail says:

    If she doesn’t go to jail, I will have no faith left in the American judicial system.

    Why is it self entitled, pseudo celebs get special treatment, when the rest of the world has to follow the law.

    Any other person would have been in prison after the second DUI, yet she car jacked, drove drunk, TWICE, and had cocaine in her system (also a probation violation) and has never had to be accountable for it.

    Do you think any of us would have been given 2nd, 3rd, 4th chances? Hell no!

  4. Fluffy Kitten Tail says:

    @ !- One of teh girls in the background is her sister Allie/Ally. I can tell by the eyebrow situation and the skin and hair color.

  5. ! says:


    That almost makes it funnier. They’re definitely hanging back and watching Lindsay obliviously grin into the camera.

    Also, who wears jewelery while working out? Must not have been much of a workout. I can only stand to keep my eyebrow ring in, and even then only ’cause it’s not obtrusive and I barely remember that it’s there.

  6. Shay says:

    Jeez, she hasn’t even reached the ‘lost case’ Hollywood society age group. I wonder what she’ll be like when she reaches Courtney Love’s and Mel Gibson’s age?
    She’ll probably be hooked up to an oxygen tank.

  7. Hautie says:

    Geez Lohan, man up!

    Apparently, Lohan does not take into account the bigger scene she makes about going to jail, the worse it will be on her.

    The Sheriff dept. is going to end up making her do the entire 90 days for p*ssing everyone off. Instead of the 2-3 days she would do by simply surrendering and doing her time quietly.

    And she is flat out delusional, if she thinks this so call appeal, is going to stop her having to surrender on the 20th.

    I am still curious how she did not get charged as a felon over the car jacking. She was high and had coke on her… in Texas… she would have spent a couple of years in jail for that sh*t.

  8. Chris says:

    He looks like a carnival shyster dressed like that and with his hair all coifed. Ugh.

  9. Marjalane says:

    I love it. The more outragous and entitled Lindsey behaves, the less likely it will be that America “embraces” her again after she (yeah right) cleans up her act. You know People magazine is preparing her million dollar “after incarceration interview” check as we speak. Let me state publicly that I will lose what’s left of my sanity if this skanky troll profits from being America’s biggest crackhead.

  10. Sam says:

    I do not practice in California. In Texas you can appeal from a Judge’s decision in a probation matter but it is usually affirmed. meaning the Judge’s ruling will stand. Let her drag it out, the Judge can add conditions to her bail while her case is on appeal which could keep her in rehab, or report for drug and alcohol testing every day as a condition of the bail. That way when she doesn’t show up or violates the bail conditions she can jail her.

  11. Jazz says:

    She’s probably only going to do a few days anyway so STFU Lindsay and go and do your time!

    And that so called lawyer looks like a poor man’s Liberace.

  12. YT says:

    Aww, Stuart Goldberg is all purdy and shiny. Lindsay likes shiny things, but she doesn’t like to pay for them. The lawyer looks like a fancy used-car salesman … apologies to real used-car salesmen.

  13. Canucklehead says:

    “Hey Joan Rivers. You have collagen older than Lindsay” is also pretty funny.

    Is that guy a lawyer or an aging wedding singer?

    And is Lohan getting more liver spots with each new photo? She really is aging pretty fast.
    Imagine her at 30, if she keeps ups her lifestyle she may soon look like Yoda

  14. Deb says:

    She should have been charged with carjacking AND kidnapping the two guys she carjacked. She is a menace to society, In my opinion.

  15. Statler says:

    What, you guys don’t like Richard Gere’s newest ‘Chicago lawyer’ incarnation?

  16. passer by says:

    Her belly button seems very high on her torso.. it’s really weird.

  17. jc126 says:

    Last night on one of the entertainment shows, some doofus was saying “She should look to Robert Downey Jr. as a role model”. HA! RDJ was lauded for his acting talent long before his breakdown and subsequent recovery, and has talent of a magnitude, oh, a thousand times greater than LL’s. I hope she gets clean, but she’ll never be comparable to him. @@
    I still can’t get over that she’s taking Dilaudid – that prescriber should be investigated. Disgusting.
    She’s so far gone, she doesn’t realize what good being FORCED to get clean could bring her. Even more good, in her case, if it prevents her from starting that Linda Lovelace movie – in a clear state of mind, maybe she’d see what a horrible role it is.

  18. bellaluna says:

    He looks like one of those “Big Hair for Jesus” televangelists! (I have a whole roster of “Big Hair for Jesus” jokes – it’s a little something I made up and went with several years ago, cracks everyone up who hears it.)

    @ Sam – I can only pray that Judge Revel attaches all those wonderfully restrictive conditions to LL during her appeal process! Oh, the hilarity that will ensue! But first, she must make sure LL isn’t allowed any independently-verified MEDICALLY UNNECESSARY MEDICATIONS! Preferably a doctor’s note from the Surgeon General, or something along those lines, stating actually diagnoses and required treatment. And it should be published or “obtained” by Radar or TMZ, so it can be shared with the world.

    Poor Chapman Holley.

  19. bellaluna says:

    On another note, I read that Kelsey Grammer served 90 days in jail in 1990 for probation violation. 20 years later they can’t even get this trick into jail for carjacking/kidnapping, let alone violating her probation!?! What the hell happened to the legal system? (“Legal” not “Justice”, since we all know justice is rarely served.)

    And for the record, LL has never been remotely close to being on par with KG or RDJ! EVER!

  20. katyalia says:

    I’m really disappointed by Ronson.

  21. Lindsay says:

    The only good thing about that film is she may get caught breaking the law in Texas and not get off so lightly. But I’m surprised Dina isn’t like “Linds I KNOW it isn’t your fault but come on girl we haven’t seen that kind of cash in years. Take one for the team.”

  22. Mia says:

    @ 19

    Let’s have it. The Big Hair for Jesus jokes could be fun.

    I’m bored of counting freckles in surprising and not cute places and trying to spot the wig glue on Crackie.

  23. Madisyn says:

    Gosh, don’t you just feel sooooo sorry for Ms. Chapman Holley?

  24. irena NL says:

    Anyone notice the sharkskin suit on the new lawyer? lol

  25. Could this new lawyer be anymore of a sleazy stereotype?

  26. M says:

    Why in EVERY photo of Blohan are her “friends” or sister walking BEHIND her like she’s some god damn Queen?

  27. L says:

    Wait, if he’s a Chicago lawyer, is he even licensed to practice in CA? Don’t you have to pass the bar in whatever state you are practicing in? Any lawyers out there?

    Gah, I just want to smack that smug expression off her face in that first picture. You can tell she thinks she’s totally found a way out of this, and all the rest of the world is sooooo stupid. Rawr. If this chick doesn’t get her 90 days I’m going to be seriously pissed off.

  28. Eileen Yover says:

    Oh lordy-he looks like an ooomp-loompa in a 70′s leisure suit!

  29. lrm says:

    omg-did you see the D listed piece on this? He tells you to skip on over to lawyer dude’s website. You HAVE to…seriously. Dude wrote a novel, and did a film preview to promote the book-and is trying to make it into a movie.

    Poor lindsay-being USED again-this time by her lawyer. He wants a high profile hollywood case, for sure.

    His site is ‘fabulous’, shall we say…(:!!!! Kinda sparkly, too.

  30. ctkat says:

    I think that Samantha Ronson has an apartment in the same building as Lindsay does- so I’m not sure how the paps can differentiate when Samantha is going in the building to visit Lindsay and when she is going in the building to go home…

  31. original kate says:

    her new lawyer looks like a televangelist.

  32. julie says:

    @lrm- i saw michael k’s bit yesterday and had to check out the website after it was described as the place Oz goes to get inspired. oh my god those photos he has up… and no wonder he’s throwing his name out there, he’s trying to make his book into a movie and it says right there on his website that they have several actors and actresses in mind. oops, just saw you already said that…sorry…

  33. Lindsay says:

    Wait, if he’s a Chicago lawyer, is he even licensed to practice in CA? Don’t you have to pass the bar in whatever state you are practicing in? Any lawyers out there?

    He can represent her if he has co-counsel, even if they are second chair, that has passed the California bar.

  34. KLaw says:

    It’s true, he can’t practice in CA unless licensed in CA. But there are other ways, like hiring a CA lawyer to work with him. So I wouldn’t say he’s 100% out of the picture.

  35. Mrs Odie 2 says:

    I am not a lawyer, but I think you have to pass the bar to argue a motion before a judge, not to file motions on behalf of a client.

  36. Nudgie says:

    Wait, if he’s a Chicago lawyer, is he even licensed to practice in CA? Don’t you have to pass the bar in whatever state you are practicing in? Any lawyers out there?”

    L – I think that’s why they announced earlier that she hired some newbie CA lawyer – to file everything and be the “front” for this Chitown Shyster.

  37. sasha says:

    Well, she’s got a point about appealing. Wesley Snipes was sentenced to three years two years ago and still is out on appeal.


  38. sasha says:

    Ha! She totally has a moustache in the top picture.

    Not so smug now, are we Lindsay?

  39. canadianchick says:

    He looks like he uses the same shade of spray tan as her-awwww twins!

  40. skeptical says:

    getting real sick of this girl. entitled much?

    ugh.. well i’m not gonna pay for anything of hers. i am sicked that not only is she dodging justice again.. but she’s probably going to make money off of all this.

  41. d says:

    Poor Chapman Holley. What a nightmare client. She must be counting the seconds until a new lawyer is found.

    I’m disappointed by Ronson too. I don’t know…weird friendship there.

    Robert Downey wants NOTHING to do with Lindsay and has said as much (some interview he gave in England while promoting Sherlock Holmes).

  42. Asrai says:

    Golberg looks like Liberace’s TACKY cousin.

  43. Jo says:

    If she wants to appeal, thats her right. But the judge should impose the SCRAM device on her for the entire appeal process. And make her continue weekly drug tests.

    If the appeal takes 6 months, thats 6 months worth of weekly drug tests and scram monitoring.

    You let this tool free for 6 months she’ll be drunk/high every weekend without being monitored.

  44. Liana says:

    I can’t with this one. You do the crime, you do the time. Like everyone else.

  45. Marjalane says:

    This is so pathetic; I saw Lindsey in The Parenttrap over the week-end, and she was SO adorable! Now she is just skanky and truly UGLY- the hair, the lips, the evil eyes. What a waste of potential. It isn’t even what she’s done, or her druggie habits that irritate me, it’s the superior sense of entitlement that makes me want to see her locked away in a dirty prison cell.

  46. Jo 'Mama' Besser says:

    I think the kid with the drink is her sister.