Here’s an interesting interview with comic Steve Harvey, 53, who has a second book out about relationships called Straight Talk, No Chaser: How to Find, Keep, and Understand a Man. I’ve never paid much attention to Harvey but apparently he has a syndicated morning radio show and also holds relationship seminars. He put out another relationship book, Act Like a Lady, Think Like a Man in January, 2009. Some critics on Amazon say he’s arrogant and isn’t giving us any dating advice we haven’t heard before. Others say he’s on the money and that his advice is helpful.
Harvey has been married three times and has four children. He’s only been married to his third wife for about three and a half years. On CNN, the guy repeated the same old argument from When Harry Met Sally about why men and women can’t ever really be friends – men always want to sleep with attractive women no matter what.
All of my friends are men. I don’t have female friends. I’m incapable of that. I have a wife and I don’t really have female friends.
[To female interviewer] You’re an attractive woman. There’s some guy somewhere saying ‘we’re friends.’ That’s not true. He’s your friend only because you have made it absolutely clear that nothing else is happening except this friendship.
We remain your friends in hopes that someday they’ll be a crack in the door, a chink in the armor, and trust and believe – that guy you think is just your buddy, he will slide in that crack the moment he gets the opportunity. Cause we’re guys. 99.9% of us think that way.
You tell this to a woman and it just blows her back ‘No I have male friends.’ You have male friends because they know it can be nothing else right now. I tell you what, all your male friends just ask them in a friendly way ‘If I wanted to date you would you be ok with that?’ Watch the fireworks.
[From CNN interview, video above via ONTD]
In my experience this is true – for those few men like Harvey that think that way. (With their dicks.) In no way are all men like that. There are married guys and loyal committed boyfriends that would not consider sleeping with another woman and who don’t look at female friends sexually because they don’t want to cheat. Still I’ve been surprised by men who try and score despite the fact that you might assume they would be loyal to their wives/girlfriends or would respect that fact that another woman is married/in a relationship. It’s only a matter of time before those type of men find a “friend” who is willing to give it up.
This Harvey guy sounds like a lousy husband. At least he’s upfront about it and is giving his wife fair warning.
What an ignorant, heteronormative thing to say.
thats ridiculous…..
Yeah he’s just a dog. Not all men are that immature.
Like Someone said. That’s ridiculous.
I worked at Border’s when the first book came out and boy did people eat it up!
I don;t understand why anyone would listen to this guys relationship advice. When the first book came out, he’d only been married like a year and a half.
It all seems so completely sexist, like men can’t help but be attracted to other women and women need to keep things interesting to keep their man from cheating.
Hetero men know that he’s telling the truth.
Chris Rock, in agreement with Steve, did a piece (it was funny) about this exact same subject.
I call BS. I have probably an equal number of male and female friends. I’ve had guy friends my whole life. Like this Steve douche, I think a lot of people don’t know how to be “just friends” with the opposite sex. There has to be a commonality of interests much like with your female friends, gay friends etc.
You all know the kind of “friends” he is talking about and I think he is spot on. He is very matter of fact and humorous at the same time.
He looks like Mr. Potato Head.
And is an ass. I have male friends who have zero interest in me and I have male friends who clearly are interested in me.
Not every man thinks with his dick 24/7.
EDIT: Cosign LindyLou. Your friends are people you share interests/experiences with. There are a lot of people out there who don’t understand that concept. This Potatoheaded moron appears to be one of them.
How ignorant and arrogant of him to assume that all men are like him. At least Harry evolved.
I kind of agree… I think men have difficulty with this even though women are perfectly fine with it. when I first met my boyfriend he was still “friends” with his ex… I knew something was up and eventually when I confronted him on it, we both agreed that the boundaries were unclear between them. Anyway, he put a great deal of distance between them as soon as we made a commitment, they basically barely talk nowadays. I honestly think that WAYYYY more often than not, a guy will have trouble with firm boundaries between female friends… and I’m not talking about people you just run into every once in a while, I’m talking about close friendships… This has happened to me sooooo many times that I wasn’t willing to buy his BS about them being “just friends”… and I was right 😀
Yeah. He’s right. I also think it applies to women, too, although most of us won’t admit it. We all want to sleep with our handsome “friends.” I don’t understand why the women on this board want to deny what comes naturally. We are sexual beings.
He is not right. I have plenty of male friends, some may have wanted to go ot with me at first but there are also those with whom from the get go that we meet, we were attracted to each other like brothers and sisters, like pure buddies.
I even call them big bros. No sexual tension whatsoever between us, just pure friendship. We have each other’s back like a sister and a brother would have, we often introduce one another to our respective mate and use that terms : brothers, little sister, ect.
I have some of them telling me that i am the sister they wish they had.
So it does exist. Saying the contrary is like admitting that women and men who don’t have a sexual attraction for each other can’t be friends. We are not conditionned to be sexually attracted to every other representative of the other gender but can share some other affinities and a sexless complicity nonetheless.
Might be true for him, but thankfully not the rest of the male population. Guy friends rock. Although one male friend confessed that when he was younger he ruined a couple friendships because he felt he “had” to hit on the woman, that it was expected. Glad he learned otherwise.
He’s, basically, right, for the majority of men. I have had a couple of great male friends, but, believe me, if I would have given the signal, sex would have happened. And the same for my other female friends and their experiences with their guy friends. My sister was best friends with a woman that her husband adored his wife and they had sex every night. He was very sexual. He never was inappropriate towards my sister and she hung around both a lot. But she saw him out one night at the neighborhood bar at Happy Hour drinking. And he made a blatant pass at her. She was stunned.
As with most generalizations, some men are like this, and some are not.
In particular, my two best female friends and I have had a 12-year friendship with the same guy, and we’ve all lived with him at different times over the years. NOT ONCE has there ever been any indication, from either side, that there were any sexual feelings present. As someone else mentioned above, we are all fiercely protective of him and he of us, and he has called all of us the “sisters he wishes he had.”
On the flipside, I’ve had PLENTY of “friendships” with guys, mostly co workers, who professed to be my friend for a while, until they realized that I would never cheat on my (now) fiance. All of a sudden the “friendships” would end, and I’d never hear from them again.
So, I can see Harvey’s point, but I heartily disagree with the premise that this true of all men.
i tend to agree with what he says.
in university i was in program that was mostly male students. at the time, i had a boyfriend and i would hang out with all these guys like they were brothers. as soon as i was single, one after the other tried to get in my pants, all were denied but i could never look at them the same way and it hurt to think that they were all willing to screw up our friendship.
so ya, even the sweetest guy will want to bang you if he can.
Only girl friends or gay friends for me!
As much as it pains me to, I think I have to agree with him to a point. My husband and I were close friends for years before we got together. I think that men have, or develop, sexual attraction to most women they spend time with.
But I don’t think that this attraction has to be a bad thing. It doesn’t necessarily interfere with or negate feelings of friendship and respect. I think that while women may categorize people as either Mate or Non-mate, men have looser categories.
He has a very small point, but like others have said before, this is a gross overgeneralization. I would be willing to say that MOST men in MOST of their “platonic” relationships with attractive women, if the woman came onto them, they would most likely give in. If I had to put a number I’d say 2 out of 3 or 3 out of 5. More than half, but not overwhelmingly so. I would even say that men aren’t hardwired to be capable or incapable of platonic female friends, and that how they view friendship between the sexes is mostly socialized. Boys are brought up, more subtly these days, to think that they can’t. Steve Harvey probably was, so if you think something isn’t at all possible, why would he bother to try?
And why would anyone get marriage advice from a guy who’s been married three times and the current one is still fresh? Obviously he doesn’t have it all figured out, either.
Seems like he is stating an opinion. Some people can and some people can’t.
well my personal experience of male “friends” would attest to that BUT my husband has many female friends and I don’t believe for a second that he wants to sleep with any of them. I mean for goodness sake we don’t find every man or woman attractive so why would we want to sleep with them?
Sounds like he wants to assuage his guilt about being a single-minded shallow man incapable of seeing women as anything more than sex objects by stating that all men think the way he does.
This sounds terrible, but every ugly girl I’ve ever known has hung out with guys. Did they all want to bang HER?
I agree with him. All my life I have been looking for the perfect male friend. He doesn’t exist! My husband calls it “The Quest”. He sits back and watches as each and every one of them go down in flames (i.e., finally show that they are attracted to me)!
@ Lisa Turtle – Agreed, this is very heteronormative way of thinking, but I think that’s okay because that is his audience — heterosexual women seeking men.
Hell there isn’t. I’ve had a couple of great male friends who have always had my back when I needed them. This guy sounds like an overgrown teenager who can’t admit that some women simply aren’t sexually attracted to him.
Good for Steve Harvey for watching When Harry Met Sally 20 years after the rest of us.
Well played, Mr. Harvey, well played.
Celebrities kill me. They’re just too much.
Thanks for day after day of free entertainment, Celebitchy.
Happy holidays everyone!
He’s on his third marriage, yet he feels qualified to give out relationship advice? Riiiight…
He’s a dolt.
I disagree with him regarding men and women. I don’t think every man I’m friends with is hoping to sleep with me. That’s just ridiculous. I also hate his hosting style on Family Feud and his comedy act (a lot of lame black vs white stereotypes).
Samihami — I came in here to say what you said. He’s been a horrible husband who reportedly gravely mistreated his wives. Why anyone would buy a book or listen to this windbag is beyond me…
While I have no comment on this story in general (I go back & forth with how I feel on the “Men and women can’t be friends” thing), I do like Steve Harvey. I’ve never read his books or heard his radio show but he’s hilarious as the host of Family Feud. He breathed new life into it and I laugh the whole show. It’s a great pick-me-up when feeling blue.
Everytime somebody makes these sweeping statements, I’ve got to show up with my favorite bumper sticker:
All generalizations are false.
I cosign with KJ (#19). My exact opinion, right there.
And with Samihami. Not taking marriage advice from someone who can’t seem to keep one going. (Maybe if he titled the book ‘WHAT NOT TO DO…To maintain a successful marriage.’)
You folks are babies, thinking you’re smart. You’re not.
STEVE SPEAKS THE TRUTH.
Whenever any “man” looks at a female, he thinks of her in a MANLY way, unless she is obese, ancient or unattractive.
Men are genetically different from women.
There was an LA radio host named Tom Leykis who tried ALSO to explain this concept to the silly women who called his show.
Straighters look at females through the eyes of the winky.
SORRY to those who like living in OZ.
Am I the only one here who listens to Steve’s show? Steve is hilarious and his female cohosts are great.
You really need to listen to the man before you label him an idiot or a jerk bc he has incredible insight and is extremely wise. Yes, I know the platonic friend issue is polarizing, but Steve tells it like it is. Sometimes he is so honest it can be hard to hear, but he is no jerk. Steve Harvey is a very spiritual man and if you think you can sum him up from hearing one line from a book than YOU are mistaken.
I would love for the Men to speak out, they never do. I feel they co-sign by their silence. Never hear them call Steve or Chris out or openly disagree with other Men who say these kinds of things.
He is such a tool. I have lots of platonic male friends, some of whom are married. We are all adults, and we all respect each others’ relationships and healthy boundaries. Not all women are interested in competing for men, particularly unattractive, delusional ones like Harvey. Some of us just like some men as people, people we are happy to have as friends. I wouldn’t want this dumbass in my life in any shape or form. I feel sorry for his delusional wives.
There probably are men who are not capable of having true friendships with women. It doesn’t mean all men are.
There was a local huge scandal when he dumped his wife and child a few years back.
He completely screwed her over. (They lived in Dallas) So every time he starts off with holy talk it just annoys me.
What Mr. Harvey fails to mention, he married his jumpoff.
The one he has been allegedly shagging, during the last year, of his prior marriage.
He fought like a dirty dog to avoid paying out his wife ANY money in their divorce. And tried to keep his child support payment to less than a 500.00(?) a month. (it was some ridiculous low payment)
This is a man that has made an incredible amount of money in the last 20 years. But he had no interest in having to settle with the wife of a decade+, in their divorce.
But he did spend all kinds of money to keep the ugly divorce out of the papers. And to prevent his reputation of being a dead beat parent made public.
So when he speaks about this “can’t be friends” without sex. He must speak from pure experience.
I totally agree. I’m the only female working with nine men. If I gave them the ok you can bet sex would be happening. Women have to set the boundaries right from the get go and a man has to make a conscious decision not to cross it.
apparently he can’t be friends with a woman, but it doesn’t mean all men are incapable of evolving.
I have tons of very good male friends who I have great strictly platonic relationships with. You could say they think of me as a little sister. However, I am not naive. The only reason these relationships are this way is because I made it clear that’s how they were going to be. If for just a moment I came on to them or opened ‘a chink in the armor’ as Steve says they would be all over that. The next day they could easily go back to being just friends. It’s just how they are wired.
Obviously a lousy husband — three marriages and 53. Married now and probably already thinking about the next Mrs Harvey. Or the next-ex Mrs Harvey. And obviously he’s the epitome of wisdom on the subject, because he knows all the women (everywhere) and wants to bonk all of them (well, at the least the pretty ones). Karim your going to have to move aside, here’s a another flaming heterosexual who sounds like he wants to knock you off of that pedestal.
He’s an asshole. Unfortunately, he is being given a forum and is doling out an excuse to certain types of men to justify their immoral and unloyal behaviour. On this particular topic, I know a lot of people that have very close platonic relationships with the opposite sex, with the blessing of their life partners.
Not all guys are like that. One of my best guy friends is (pretty much) married with a son and I know he would never do anything to mess up his family. My other guy friend could have taken advantage of me while I was in a vulnerable state but he didnt. The others, I have solid boundaries and I dont confide in them the way I do with my other two. If I was single, these two would be introducing me to their friends and not hitting on me.
I just hate how his ‘philosophy’ makes it sound… like guys aren’t interested in women for ANYTHING beyond sex. Like they can’t value your qualities (beyond being a woman) enough to develop a platonic friendship.
I just find that insulting.
No, we pretty much want to nail them, too. However, gentlemen have self-control.
i’m sorry, but i don’t take advice from men that wear clown-a*s yellow blazers w/ white pinstripes.
hellz
2tha
naw!
🙁
He is telling the truth. Maybe his delivery has something to be desired but I agree with him.
* ducks down and covers*
@nj, you are SO right. People calling him an ass and an idiot and a jerk are probably ones who have never listened to the man’s radio show. He speaks from his experience as a man. A man who has male friends and who has interacted with large groups of men. I don’t always agree with his take on relationships, but he certainly doesn’t come off as arrogant or sexist. Maybe old fashioned, but I don’t see his ideas as harmful. And I certainly think that as human beings we are hard wired to view the opposite sex as potential mates. There’s nothing wrong with that, and I think that if every man and/or woman was honest they’d acknowledge the possibility that his theory has merit and it’s true of more than just the douchebags of the male gender. I’ve had more than a few male friends confess their attraction to me…sometimes after years of friendship. It happens.
He’s a fugly guy with money and fame, therefore, “options” he probably shouldn’t have. I’ve seen his advice and he does that thing where he says “all men are cheating jerks like me” to try to put the blame elsewhere.
He’s scum, has bastard kids outside all his failed marriages while professing his Christianity loud and proud.
“In a new lawsuit, Mary Harvey claims that Steve was routinely unfaithful, neglected ‘some of his children,’ and was physically and emotionally abusive.”
–wrote one website about this relationship expert and great follower of Jesus.
All I do know for sure is not all men are anything like Steve Harvey. He should write a book: how to spot and run from dirt bags like me.
@Lisa
True, true. How could someone in Hollywood “forget” gay men and women have opposite sex friends?
Because he’s just a lowlife clown trying to sell us that being an abuser is natural?
He does look like a potato Head! haha
I agree with him – I am a chick, married and never cheated, but don’t get me wrong – hot men make me sweat and I would not dare start a friendship with one – a friendship would just be my innocent way of manipulating a man to get him in my pants. The only male friends I can have are gay.
@Cakes, #44: “Not all guys are like that. One of my best guy friends is (pretty much) married with a son and I know he would never do anything to mess up his family. My other guy friend could have taken advantage of me while I was in a vulnerable state but he didnt.”
But that doesn’t mean that neither of them want to… they’re just decent guys and wouldn’t act out inappropriately. But inside, in their heads, they might (very well) be thinking, “If only…”
@southerncheerleader: You folks are babies, thinking you’re smart. You’re not.
**************
And you are? ‘kay.
My best friend for 13 years was a man. We actually contemplated getting together early on in our friendship (http://lianathinks.wordpress.com/2010/08/27/ive-been-asked-why/). We never did and we always remained friends until the day he passed away.
Wow, I’m amused by some of the arrogant women in this thread who are completely convinced that every man they’re friends with wants to sleep with them. Yeah I’m sure you’re all just so totally irristiable that no man can resist you. Get over yourselves already.
Maybe this is true for men who see women as a compilation of sexy body parts, and are therefore unable to see them as full human beings deserving of respect. The sad thing is he is reaching an audience and helping to indoctrinate them with unfortunate gender stereotypes.
@Grace, I don’t think that is what any of us is insinuating. At least, I didn’t. All I’m saying is that, based on my experiences, the idea has merit. We all, at one point or another, have entertained the thought of taking our friends of the opposite sex as mates. It’s human nature.
Man, if I ever had taken my male best friend as a mate, I’d be partway through my sentence for murder about now.
“You tell this to a woman and it just blows her back ‘No I have male friends.’ ”
I think all of you chicks just made his point. SMH.
@ # 57 – No we all haven’t. Speak for yourself. Some of us look at people of the opposite sex as people, not just as someone to sleep with.
Dear Steve,
Bottom Line: If you want to boink all of your female friends, YOU ARE A LETCH with self-control issues. Thank you for being honest – an honest letch. Dr. Drew can probably help you with that (and get you another revenue stream, as well).
If you don’t have any female friends, you have an empathy problem and “don’t play well with others” in most American societies and pathologies. Consult the DSM on that issue, too.
That is the truth.
Sincerely,
A Black Woman Mildly-Amused By Your Antics and Theories
southerncheerleader:December 20th, 2010 at 1:05 pm
You are an idiot.
OK, but what exactly is his wife wearing? Steve Harvey’s long lost hair? That vest is hideous
I’ve had a guy I know say the same thing to me and I have to say I believe them. Maybe not EVERYONE is like that, and I’m not saying that guys will cheat if they’re in relationships or married,but the majority of single guys with female friends…yep. Spot on.
I am a fan of SH, he has a great sense of humor and he makes me laugh. I watch Family Fued everyday. But his comment is his opinion and he is entitled. I know for me I have male friends and no there is no sex involved. I am secure in myself, have a great job and many friends. Married, single, males and females. I like being in the company of intelligent, secure, and fun people. We go to the movies, out too dinner, plays, travel, what have you. Sex with someone you are not married too degrades the relationship. So as a single person, who has been there, done that, picture, book and movie. I’ve learned what’s important in life and the race to get into someone’s pants or vice-versa ain’t where it’s at. 10 years strong and proud of it.
but then again, everyone thinks with their genitals, and moves through life as a sex crazed horn dog.
Told ya’ll.
http://www.celebitchy.com/137155/steve_harveys_ex_wife_on_his_serial_cheating_he_left_her_homeless_took_custody_of_her_son/