Jennifer Aniston is the latest cover girl for the UK magazine Red – and how. You know, I never thought I’d say this, but Jennifer is much, much prettier in candids than this posed and presumably Photoshopped cover shot. Her nose looks huge, her mouth looks puffy, and the whole thing is just… unfortunate. I also feel like this shot – and the accompanying interview – is dated and budget. Aniston chopped off her hair nearly two months ago, and yet the shot has her with long hair? And dear God if the interview isn’t one of the most cloying and sycophantic things I’ve ever read. The writer refers to her as “The Most Beautiful Everywoman In The World.” Ugh. You can read the full thing here (I wouldn’t recommend it if you just ate), and here are some of the highlights:

Jennifer Aniston is in bed. It’s 11am and she’s chatting to Red from underneath her duvet in her Beverly Hills home. You can’t blame her. Newly flown home from a punishing promotional tour of Europe for her latest twinkling rom-com Just Go With It (where she unveiled a new shorter, brighter haircut), the star is understandably jet-lagged and exhausted. ‘I’m like a dead man walking,’ she says.

Only one thing for it, take to the comfiest room in the house. ‘There’s a lot of down pillows,’ she confesses. ‘I’m a pillow girl, so I can create the closest thing to a cloud that I can.’

On her perfume, Jennifer Aniston: The Perfume: ‘I tried to collect all of the smells that I love in a bottle,’ she enthuses. ‘I kind of layer things on, whether it’s lotions or serums and oils – all the things you lather up when you get out of the bathtub and pamper yourself, all the things that make you feel really clean, sexy, sensual and refreshed. It took a while, but I think I got there and I’m very proud of the result. It’s a wonderful experience to work in a perfumery and create something unique.’ She ponders her very favourite smell of all time and alights on a surprisingly less foamy aroma. ‘I love the smell of a fire going,’ she decides. ‘Walking up to a house and you can smell the fire coming out of the chimney. That’s extraordinary. That, and the smell of cherry blossoms. Or jasmine when you’re coming home at night in the summer time.’ When, you wonder, does she think a man smells at his best? ‘At the beach,’ she smiles. ‘Just anywhere on the beach.’

Aniston on her inspiration: ‘that I get to do what I love to do, which is entertain. It’s essential to me.’ It’s a talent that has made her one of the most influential women in Hollywood, with a personal fortune estimated by Forbes in 2007 at $110million. ‘The real core of everything is the work, and I will protect it – and myself – like a momma lion protects a cub,’ she says. ‘When I get down to business, I’m extremely focused.’

On making so many rom-coms: ‘You know what? I think people just want to laugh,’ she decides. ‘There’s so much going on in the world right now weighing heavy on everybody’s minds and hearts, that you want to just get out there and disappear and be silly and have a laugh. At other people just being silly.’ She’s more than happy with her role as the bringer of that lightness. ‘I’ll sign up for that!’ she laughs. ‘I’ll bring you your order of light, coming up. Well, I’ll do my best. I always just do my best.’

The interviewer tells Aniston that she handles her fame with so much grace: ‘Oh,’ she says, startled. ‘Thank you, that means a lot to me. I try. Fame is an odd beast. Because it’s not real. There’s nothing real about it. Sometimes, you wake up and think, “I don’t know if I’m as big as this beast. Will today be the day when it gets me?” Because you’re only one person like everybody else, with veins and a heart, and yet you’re projected as almost superhuman. There’s certain things that come with that – cameras in your face, lies, rumours, the part of you that wants to give and the part you have to keep desperately to yourself. Because there’s so much that’s picked at or taken or wanted.’

Dating: At 42, Aniston is ‘extremely relaxed’ about her single status. Attempting to meet a partner in paparazzi-peppered Hollywood is, she says, ‘ridiculous’, but she negotiates the landscape as normally as she can. ‘You have to normalise it!’ she hoots. ‘You would die otherwise. But no, I’m not a big fan of dating. I have dinner with male friends and it’s instantly, “that’s the new man”. The phone is ringing off the hook from your publicist saying, “Did you have dinner with so and so?” and it’s “yes, I did and no, I’m not”. So you sort of just meet people.’

The interviewer suggests Aniston run off with George Clooney and they have babies: I suggest to Aniston that there are two people who endure this pressure for marriage/kids more than anyone else in showbiz: herself and George Clooney. So perhaps she and George should run off together, get married, have three kids in rapid succession and then the world would finally shut up. Aniston laughs uproariously. ‘That would definitely shut up the world!’ she guffaws. ‘I could call up George, say, “Hon, let’s just get hitched and have kids…” I should take George to lunch and we can figure out how to put an end to all this… Ha! Well… No.’

On friends: ‘Where would you be without friends?’ she concludes, without a hint of comic intention. ‘Where would you be without people to pick you up when you need lifting? As we know, myself and a lot of my friends, we’ve come from homes that were far from perfect, so you end up almost parent and sibling to your friends, and vice versa. Your own chosen family. There’s nothing like a really loyal, dependable, good friend. Nothing.’

Best book: ‘The Brain That Changes Itself, by Norman Doidge. A brain science book that I loved.’

Best film: ‘Terms Of Endearment.’

Best stress-release: ‘Laughter.’

Best TV show: ‘Friends. I’m teasing! Seinfeld.’

Best designer: ‘That’s impossible! I love so many.’

Best way to spend a weekend: ‘With your nearest and dearest. You know me, I always love a little beach getaway. I’m a creature of habit and I just love the sound of the ocean. A place where you can go and throw it all away.’

Best friend: ‘So many. I couldn’t do that! I’ll say “me”.’

Best thing in life: ‘Like I said, your friends. Your real friends. And boy, it hurts us so much when we find out otherwise.’

[From Red]

Yeah… I know some of read this interview and thought “Oh, she sounds fine” or “Poor Jen, I love her!” But honestly, if I was forced to be friends with her or interact with her for any length of time, I would be homicidal/suicidal.

Re: the Clooney stuff… she should have just laughed it off and made a real joke, like “Ha, I’m not kinky enough for old George.” Instead it feels like… Aniston thinks Clooney is all over it and SHE is the one shutting it down. Who thinks that’s the real dynamic?

Cover courtesy of Red, additional pics by WENN.