Paris Hilton’s terrible “drunk text” video is so hysterical, she should call it a parody

This has an F bomb toward the end, but you have to listen to it!

Back in 2005 when Paris Hilton was getting sued for defamation for leaking a false story about a woman attacking her at a club, she said, in a sworn deposition that “whatever I write in email, it doesn’t mean anything. It is just words I write.” Well now Paris is relaunching her music career with a song and video based on the same premise called “Drunk Text.” The video for the song, a pedestrian effort in which Paris baby talks over a club beat, has been leaked online. Her people tried to pull all the copies from YouTube, but it’s all over the place and even E! Online is running it.

I watched the video expecting it to be just dumb or mildly interesting, and it wasn’t – it was absolutely hysterical. It’s like the best Funny or Die parody you’ve ever seen. I was laughing uncontrollably the entire time. I’ve watched it three or four times now.

I can’t capture how awesomely funny this video is, so if you can please watch some of it (above), it’s so worth the giggles. Here’s a description from E! Online, and I’m grateful to them for decoding some of the things Paris mumbles. The lyrics really add to the hilarity of this ridiculously funny video.

Hmm…it’s almost as though someone doesn’t want the world to see it? Luckily, even if you missed it the first two times, photographic evidence lives on, and nestled among the lyrics were such hear-’em-to-believe-’em bon mots like, “If you take the word ‘sex’ and mix it with ‘texting,’ it’s called ‘sexting’/When you add drunk sexting, the words just don’t make sense.”

Having completed the bizarre mathematical portion of the song, she set her sights on grammar.

“It’s a hot mess of misspelled obscentities, body parts and run-on questions/I’m not sure what he means to ask.

“Behind my eyes, I was begging for things my lips would never ask/And my mouth kept pouring desperate clauses of random intent.” OK, then.

“No one is safe from the Twittersphere anymore.” Certainly not Paris, and not after this.

“It’s just another moment, one stupid reply can lead to the walk of shame,” she intones. “And I’ll be damned if I end up in some lame diner after this/last night’s lingerie in my purse/it was just a drunk text…this is the last time I’ll ever drink and text.”

[From E! Online]

No one is safe in the Twittersphere anymore” LMAO!

Damn this made my morning. I’ll tell you, I didn’t hate “Stars Are Blind” and I actually found it tolerable and somewhat catchy. This song is enjoyable for a completely different reason.

Paris’ latest reality show may have been a flop, but she can still make money being herself. She just needs to realize that she can be the Charo of our generation, except with a limp noodle body, dead eyes and a flat affect. Once she embraces that and starts making fun of herself, she can cash in a little more. Barring that, she can stick to making cheap shoes, purses and hair extensions.

Video via Idolator. Story and screenshots via E! Online.

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109 Responses to “Paris Hilton’s terrible “drunk text” video is so hysterical, she should call it a parody”

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  1. Roger says:

    This is so bad,Wow!

    • Maguita says:

      How this trashy tramp got into stardom is still beyond me.

      Someone the other day was saying that Kim Kardashian rode Paris’ coattails to stardom, but come one, be fair, we all know that Paris’ “coattails” had been ridden hard, by almost everyone and anyone. Wasn’t she the chairwoman of the now defunct P-ssy Patrol, and the Hollywood Herpes Train main locomotive?

      I was too late for the video, it has been pulled out, deleted from all sites. If anyone has a link, please be kind, rewind.

  2. paola says:

    She really has no idea, the whole world laughs at her but she is so dumb she doesn’t even know that!! That video is pretty hilarious and scary at the same time. she really has no life in those eyes and she looks like a cheap hooker with that makeup and those skimpy dresses

    • autumndaze says:

      It is unbelievable what lengths these idiots will go to, to stay relevant in the public eye.
      She needs to take her friend Kim by the hand and walk off into the sunset never to be heard from again.

      • paola says:

        AHAHA! Yes it would be amazing, the name of their last appearance woulb be ‘gone with the sunset’ . I love the idea of those two walking hands in hands towards the sun and never coming back. you made my day 😀

      • Lisa says:

        Yeah, they could be the lame-ass Thelma and Louise.

  3. Samigirl says:

    I just…I don’t get it.

    Someone explain it to me?

    • Cherry says:

      I don’t get it, either. What’s funny about this, let alone ‘hilarious’ or ‘hysterical’? It’s stupid. And boring. Why are we paying attention to it? This is just what she wants. Paris is no Einstein, but you bet your ass she knows that this vid would create publicity for her. And we’re all falling into her trap- again.

      • Carolyn says:

        Yep. Paris has been so not hot for years now. She’s desperate for any publicity and now she’s got it. She’s absolutely irrelevant in this world.

      • michelle says:

        I agree. Completely boring and not funny. I couldn’t watch more than a minute or so expecting it to get funny.

      • Cynthia says:

        I don’t get it either, it’s not funny, it’s trashy, boring and stupid. Ugh, please just go away already!

  4. LindyLou says:

    That was the most ridiculously hilarious thing I’ve seen in a long time! What a vapid twit! lol

    • Maguita says:

      Just listened to almost a minute of it. The link is working again.

      You have to hand it to Paris Hilton: She gives Euro Trash a good name!

  5. Anna says:

    The new Rebecca Black ‘Friday’ song. You know where people just watch and laugh.

  6. nandynic says:

    The entire time I was watching this I thought it would be a great Funny or Die video…

  7. Zelda says:

    I usually think people here are harsh on celebs about aging (Sienna Miller “looks 40” guys? For real?)

    But Paris looks oooold for her age. Shes a year older than I am, and she looks like she’s closing in on 40. Real Housewives-style, too.

  8. ella says:

    I seriously love this.

    • Belly says:

      Me too!!
      I don’t think she’s taking herself seriously at all, just poking fun at herself. While watching this clip I got a bit of a Lonely Island vibe; their humour isn’t for everyone either.
      Didn’t she do some political speech on a banana lounge a while back? I seem to recall she did, and I found that pretty amusing too.

  9. Agnes says:

    “relaunching her music career”? ehm? she had one at some point? haha

  10. Sue says:

    So FUNNY!!!!! Isn’t she getting a little long in the tooth to be a “pop star”???? Kind of pathetic…..

  11. Dawning Red says:

    Someone should take all these deep Paris thoughts and put them into fortune cookies.

  12. Jessica says:

    I almost wet myself!!! LMAO!!!

  13. EntreprenrsWife says:

    Is this a supposed to be a song? Or spoken word?

  14. Jayna says:

    The dumbing down of popmusic with people like her who can make a record but can’t perform live ever. It was funny for about a minute at most. Real funny. Not. She is a shallow, vacant specimen of a human being..

    • Mary says:

      Hate to be a downer, but pop music never needed to be “dumbed down”. It’s called “popular music” for a reason. Why else would Paris think she could succeed in that area of music?

  15. Pj46 says:

    I bought Paris’ last album for a dollar as a gag gift. The person did not want it and neither did anyone else I offered it to.
    I just left it in the mall on a bench.
    I wonder if anyone ever picked it up.

  16. Emily says:

    Oh lord, when she turns to the camera and says ‘Are you fing kidding me?’ I couldn’t control my laughter. Does this woman really take herself this seriously? Isn’t she in her thirties now? She still acts like such a child. Thanks CB, this made my morning!

  17. dahlia noir says:

    Well, at least she seems to write her own songs… My God, it IS bad.

  18. fancyamazon says:

    I watched this last night off my twitter feed (via I *think* huffington post). And wow. It is really terrible, but what else should be expected of this one?

  19. Cleveland Girl says:

    HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY WATCH THIS 3 or 4 times??? I could barely get thru 30 seconds. What a complete idiot (no offense to idiots.)

  20. Jessica says:

    lol!!! RIGHT!!

  21. Bonnie says:

    Hey leave her alone! Maya Angelou also does spoken word and no one is giving her crap!

  22. spiderpig says:

    wouldn’t it be nice if jigsaw would entrap kim, paris n lindsay? That wud b a Saw movie i’d watch willingly & oh so happily *sigh*

  23. terrytoons says:

    I was embarrassed just to watch this. How mortifying that someone would do this seriously. So awful!

  24. Lucy says:

    Really, really bad, and not even bad funny.
    Its okay though her Aunt Kyle Richards will always love her.

  25. aenflex says:

    she is disgusting.

  26. Reel Wheel says:

    what’s funniest about this is that she actually thinks she’s being ‘sexy’.

    It wasn’t even that sexy when Madonna tried this same thing with Justify My Love, what, 15 or so years ago?

  27. Quinn says:

    Wow..she really got Karma-Faced…she looks particularly awful for her age.

  28. Maya says:

    My goodness how did you get the video? I’ve read that it has been taken down from just about every site.
    Now I know the reason why. Apart from the copyright ‘issue’ as was claimed by the Hilton camp, this is a really shit song.
    Whenever I think of Paris Hilton, I feel better about myself – despite her millions, huh? You can’t say that every millionaire has that motivating effect.
    She is such a spectacular failure.
    Paris Hilton is not only too lazy to type…
    She is too lazy to think.

  29. Jackie says:

    she is awful, but it has a really good beat! at least she is not trying to sing anymore.

  30. Mimi says:

    I couldn’t watch for more than like 30 seconds lol. She is simply a waste of oxygen. Her parents must be so proud.

  31. skuddles says:

    Oh honey, give it up and GO AWAY already!!!

  32. BitseyM says:

    This reminds me of an SNL video. Like those ones with Mike Meyers as Dieter. Maybe, she is jealous that Lindsay is going to be on SNL and this is her way of trying to compete.

  33. Dee Cee says:

    she boldly threw it out on the wall to see if it would stick..

  34. Cathy says:

    Well that was 3:47 wasted. I’ll never get that time back.

  35. Dani says:

    That’s a song? She doesn’t even sing but talks through the whole thing. What a joke. The question is, is she in on the joke or not?

  36. Rita says:

    This is simply a bored rich girl who feels entitled to bore the hell out of the rest of us by making an auto-tuned video to be played as club music for the face-suckers and gropers hanging out in the dark corners.

    Note to Paris: Just because you exist doesn’t mean people have to pay attention to you. Do something constructive with your daddy’s money!

  37. MaxxHotness says:

    Sex + text = sexting add drunk to it and you get this awful idea lol…. Btw the older she gets the more she looks like her aunt Kyle…especially if she took off those fake blue contacts…..

  38. TQB says:

    Honestly, if this was anyone BUT Paris, it would be catchy and amusing. Because it’s Paris and we know she has no sense of humor, it’s pathetic.

    BTW, are there any Paris defenders? We have Chris Brown defenders, Lindsay defenders, Goopy lovers and even some Kardashian fans, right? So how bad do you have to be to inspire not even a “leave her alone, she’s just trying to find a way to be relevant” post from ANYONE??

  39. TxGal says:

    Why does she keep making songs lol. She is so Lameeeeeeeee lol

  40. Sasha says:

    I laughed at the ‘sex + texting’ part but the rest was just horribly embarrassing. I don’t think I could watch it again.. How how HOW could anyone do this to themselves? How could the people making the video listen to the song and think ‘yeah, let me work with this material’?


  41. lush33 says:

    Lmao I thought it was a public service announcement, with their lame attempts to be hip.

    • supalolly says:

      OMG, me too! I kept waiting for the ‘consequence’ to happen.

      Scary how much this 30 yr old woman sounds like a 14/15/16yo.

  42. Relli says:

    Someone needs to get her an application for the RHW stat. Because that is clearly the next stop.

  43. Susie Q says:

    Once it’s confirmed a dud she will probably try and spin it as a parody. Some of the still photos from the video on other sites really show how much she is aging.

  44. Tweakspotter says:

    She can’t be seriouse with this crap. What a complete waste of a decent club beat. I thought it was an SNL skit.

  45. Petunia says:

    When Paris got to the Drunk Sexting part, my dog picked up his head and cocked it several times like he was saying, “WTF?”

  46. JM says:

    Saying Paris Hilton is this generation’s Charo is an insult to Charo. At least the cootchie cootchie woman has talent. She is a phenominal flamenco guitar player. What has Paris ever done but spend Daddy’s money and famewhore? No, I do not consider her “music” a career. The military should use it to torture prisoners instead of waterboarding. Her voice would make me crack long before drowning would.

  47. Jenna says:

    What makes this all the more amusing to me is the simple fact that, this is the absolute BEST version of all the takes, edits, and reworks. The absolute BEST that a pampered nit from a family worth BILLIONS could manage.

    Makes your brain itch a bit to think about just how bad the stuff left on the cutting room floor is, and just how far was her money was able to shine this turd up. This is the best she is capable of.

    And somehow… that just makes me not only grin like a fool, but gives me renewed hope that this might, maybe, just possibly be the death knell for this twit’s public life.

    Pretty please?

  48. Kim says:

    Its bad but its still better than EVERY Katy Perry song.

  49. bagladey says:

    What was that?

  50. AMR says:

    Wait a min , isn’t this is supposed to be a music video ? She is just talking !

    And , She looks a lot older .

  51. Hanna says:

    That’s one ugly bitch. DAMN

  52. Faye says:

    I don’t know what you’re talking about, that’s how I start like 78% of my stories, literally word for word.

  53. NM6804 says:

    Why is she trying to bother to get back in the media? She’s over since 2008 I think and she should never have become famous in the first place. Move over Hilton, there are new assholes that take over the media with their dumbfoolery.

  54. Deven says:

    You know, some people are so stupid, they have no idea what they don’t know. Therefore, when something like this comes along, she doesn’t know what a buffoon she is and always has been. She’s just damn lucky she was born in a rich family. Even her sister at least designs nice jewelry and has a reason to live. Paris needs to be (should have been) locked in a room somewhere for a few decades.

  55. MrsPotato says:

    hm. this isn’t a parody?
    Are we sure of this?!

  56. Orange Cone says:

    at least she’s not trying to ‘sing’… and I can see why she and Kim K were once friends! ACK!

  57. kittles says:

    I will never get those few wasted minutes back again. F*** that was THE most boring thing I have ever watched. I still don’t get it… I just spent the time thinking wtf.

  58. Jayna says:

    No one did talking in a song like Madonna did back in her heyday. It made me think of Rescue Me.

    • Lisa says:

      Haha, wow! I thought of Madonna too, only I was thinking Erotica. Not that this is remotely erotic.

  59. skuddles says:

    Love the ‘pained prostitute” expression she’s wearing in the third pic. She used to be so pretty, now she just looks all used up.

  60. Kimberly says:

    isn’t she too old to pretend to be talented?

    That lipstick color looks hilarious on those fake lips!

    wtf is that max factor from the local walgreens?

  61. Harleyhoney says:

    You just can’t make any sense out of nonsense..
    Nor, can you fix STUPID!!!!

  62. dani says:

    The only words I have: What the f–k??

  63. CP says:

    Funny? It’s totally unwatchable.

  64. RdyfrmycloseupmrDvlle says:

    This chick, for all of her wealth, didnt even graduate high school. She FAILED out of her fancy Manhattan HS named Dwight. She is a LITERAL moron.

  65. barbie says:


  66. barbie says:

    “r u f%#king kidding me?”. Only good line in the song (?). From now on when those words fly out of my mouth & they will- I will reply with apology “sorry I’ve been saying that all day, I’ve got that Paris Hilton song stuck in my head-hate it when that happens”;)

  67. ManicPixieDreamGirl says:

    She’s an epic embarrassment to humanity.

  68. Dredz says:

    I’m not sure… Is she singing? Rapping? Complaining to someone? Or was it secretly taped during her therapy session and then added some Euro-trash house music to it… It looks to me like the kind of TV ad they play right after midnight in West European countries, before semi-porn movie starts

  69. Snowpea says:

    I just have to take a look at her ginormous size 12 feet and I’m off, rolling around on the floor laughing!

    For some reason, I find it fricken hilarious the way she’s always carefully crafted this image of a pampered princess, and yet she’s dragging around these massive HOOFS! She has to shop at special shoe stores to get shoes that fit!

    Cracks me up every time ; )

  70. theoriginallucy says:

    well, its not singing, cause she speaks the words…and its not really rapping, but it is crap….lets call it “crapping”

  71. Sarah says:

    What the hell did I just watch?

  72. Sassigurl1 says:

    I think this was totally meant to be a parody and not a “real” song. Personally I think shes just having fun with this video, making fun of drunken sex-ting. And well if shes not, well then its pretty bad!! Lol.

  73. Lisa says:

    And she’s frickin’ THIRTY ONE.