Is John Mayer penning a Broadway musical about his famous conquests?

John Mayer

This post is a great opportunity to break out some photos of the John Mayer “O” face. The photos of his shorter hair were taken in Amsterdam in June. The rest are from last year. No one does “O” like John Mayer. Enjoy that image with the added information from Star magazine’s new “I dated an A-lister” feature. A former Mayer conquest says that he loves to play doctor. He wants his ladies to dress up in a lab coat and examine him, never breaking character until it’s the fun is done. I bet Jennifer Aniston and Taylor Swift look great in a crisp white nurse’s uniform. Just saying.

This week’s issue of the Enquirer has an even grosser story. Mike Walker is really excited about the prospect of John’s upcoming musical about John’s lengthy list of famous conquests. The story is tasteless and awful, and I sort of believe it:

My top-secret John Mayer bombshell’s already triggering Hollywood warning sirens … rupturing the eardrums — and God knows what else — of Sexy Boy’s numerous blast-from-the-past/humped-and-dumped star hotties, who are suddenly terrified they’ll be immortalized/sandalized in a new Broadway play he’s writing!

Mayer’s nervous brigade of bangee’s include: Katy Perry, Jennifer Aniston, Jessica “Sexual Napalm” Simpson; Taylor Swift; sex-plosive Jennifer Love Hewitt (who reportedly inspired his hit ditty, “Your Boy is a Wonderland”); plus Renee Zellweger, Minka Kelly, Rhona Mitra, blah, blah, blah! (Guys, can you even imagine?!)

“John’s kept this project heavily under wraps,” says a source close to the star, “but word’s starting to leak now that the formal casting call’s gone out. It describes main character, “JOHN, early to mid-twenties/artistic musician. Handsome (ideally can play both guitar and piano)…!’

Justifiably nervous are exes Taylor Swift, who wrote mercilessly about her failed love affair with John; Jessica Simpson — who raged when he called her “sexual napalm” — and Jennifer Aniston, who famously followed him around the world like a love-struck puppy.

These famous flings, knowning John’s kiss-and-tell history, are now worried he’lll stage scenes from their sex lives ont he Broadway stage!” Mayer’s show-and-tell debuts this fall in a small California town, where producers will iron out the kinks — until it’s kinky enough for Broadway!

[From Enquirer, print edition, August 11, 2014]

John sounds douchey enough to pull a stunt like this, especially since he feels so jilted by Swift for her “Dear John” song. Katy Perry wouldn’t care at all if John wrote about her bedroom skills. She loves looking like a bad girl. Jennifer Love Hewitt would probably be flattered. He’s totally doing this, right?

Casting is key when it comes to a project like this. Piano playing skills can be faked, but pulling these expressions ain’t easy.

John Mayer

John Mayer

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet & WENN

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19 Responses to “Is John Mayer penning a Broadway musical about his famous conquests?”

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  1. Jenny12 says:

    I beg of you, stop with the O photos. And it’s John Mayer, so the simple answer is: yes. He would absolutely do this.

    • Eve says:

      Oh, my god…he’s always making these “O” faces on stage.

      Seriously, dude, is playing guitar *THAT* good? I guess I should start learning how to play it A.S.A.P. But then again…masturbation still seems to be easier (and costs me almost nothing).

    • TX says:

      +1, on both counts! He is so gross.

  2. Abbott says:

    Doooo Ittttt!

    *throws life savings on stage*

  3. Size Does Matter says:

    That actually sounds kind of hilarious in a douchetastic kind of way. While we’re here, can someone explain Sexual Napalm to me? Was it supposed to be a compliment or insult? I mean, I know what napalm is, but I’ve never understood this.

    • Courtney says:

      Me neither! Someone help us!

    • Diana says:

      Yes please!!! I am confused too….

    • Candace says:

      If you take it in context with the other stuff he said about her, being addicted to her and if she charged him, he’d sell everything he owned so he could keep f-ing her etc, I think he meant it as a complement. He’s such a charmer, isn’t he?

  4. mia girl says:

    Will the musical open with the main character running through the halls of his high-school?

  5. kri says:

    Please…just, please. No. We need Karate Leo to have him come pick up the newest crew member of The Tw#t Yacht Club.

  6. Hissyfit says:

    When I think of Mayer and Aniston, I keep remembering that urinating to her coochie interview. Gross.

  7. Anotherdirtymartini says:

    Honestly, how has he persuaded anyone to sleep with him? I find him very unattractive. This is probably the best I’ve seen him look (since he looks nothing like himself).

  8. Anotherdirtymartini says:

    Hissyfit, urinating to her coochie interview?! What did I miss?!

  9. Anotherdirtymartini says:

    Napalm is an incendiary device, so I guess old enema-hose Mayer was saying Jessica was on fire? But that could’ve been from the STDs he gave her…dunno!

  10. v1nc3nz00 says:

    will the theater have a separate entrance for colored people?

  11. Mitch Buchanan Rocks! says:

    He and Taylor Swifty should get together on this type of project.

  12. Savanna says:

    Everybody has their douchebag they will forever love, all reason aside. I’m barely ashamed to admit John Mayer is totally mine.

    • MsCatra says:

      Me too, but I’m totally ashamed to admit it. Like I’m very ashamed to admit I got really excited to see he has short hair again. I know he’s nasty, there’s just no reasoning with me.