Johnny Depp is so bored of ‘Mortdecai’ that he made up a chupacabra attack

Johnny Depp

The week of Johnny Depp fallout continues after the predictable plight of The Movie that Shall Not be Named. We heard yesterday that Johnny was “devastated” and considering dumping his agent. He definitely needs to change something, but not his agent. I think what’s going on with Johnny is more complicated than he’d like to admit.

Johnny didn’t show up to a press conference on Tuesday. Some wires got crossed, and no one told the journalists. About 200 of them waited for over an hour in hopes that the Scarfmonster would show up. Then someone from Johnny’s camp finally clued them in. Why did Johnny miss a professional engagement? Officially, he had a cold. But he decided to make up a story about the real reason he didn’t show up. He was fending off the fearsome legendary creature called El Chupacabra:

“I was attacked yesterday morning by a very rarely seen or experienced animal called ‘chupacabra.’ I fought with it for hours. They’re very persistent, very mean. And I’m pretty sure it came into my suitcase. I threw him off the 23rd floor. So we’ll never see him again. Thank you for understanding.”

[From Page Six]

Oh, that crazy Johnny. He probably cooked up this story while he was high. I can easily see Johnny and Amber cracking up and thinking El Chupacabra is the funniest thing in the world. I guess it’s better than using Bigfoot as an excuse. Even Johnny is bored and tired of his own movies, so he’s rambling on about a random cryptid instead.

Johnny also said he hopes Japanese audiences will spend their money to watch his silly ‘stache routine in theaters. See, there’s another joke. #sohigh

I didn’t notice a few days ago that Johnny’s wearing safety pins as earrings now. Rebel.

Johnny Depp

Johnny Depp

Photos courtesy of WENN

You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed.

61 Responses to “Johnny Depp is so bored of ‘Mortdecai’ that he made up a chupacabra attack”

Comments are Closed

We close comments on older posts to fight comment spam.

  1. Jacqueline says:

    Scarfmonster lol

  2. Charlotte says:

    Look like Goop-shilled five hundred bajillion dollar safety pin earrings.

    Johnny, you aren’t funny; you’re unprofessional and tiresome.

    Love Amber’s coat.

  3. mkyarwood says:

    Diamond safety pins. Ugh.

  4. Pixi says:

    Diamond encrusted safety pins?

    • Kali says:

      I prefer to think that they’re bedazzled. I know they’re totally not and one of those earrings would cost more than my entire life and everything I own but the mental image of Johnny sitting down and bedazzling his accessories is making me laugh right now..

      • raptor says:

        He’s really hoping someone will buy him that fancy hot glue gun off the wedding registry.

      • Pixi says:

        Hahahaha! Maybe he saw Amber’s DIY vajazzeling kit and thought ‘hmmm what can I stick those on’.

      • Kali says:

        @raptor @Pixi – you just KNOW he has his own “crafting” room…. 😉

      • Lama Bean says:

        Hahahahahahahahaha. Thanks for that image.

      • Pixi says:

        Wait – do you guys think he makes his own scarfs in his crafts room?

      • Kali says:

        Pixi, of course he does! I bet he has a wall of yarns/wool that he chooses from (I know he does fabric scarves but I’m running with this whole Johnny Depp: Secret Crafter thing 😛 OOOOOHHHH he should do a reality show “Crafting with Depp”

  5. Selena Castle says:

    I am still trying very hard to maintain my crush on this guy. It’s getting harder and harder to even care very much with each awful movie.

    • Shambles says:

      I turn on Cry Baby and pretend that’s still what he looks like. He was so. Beautiful.

    • Camille (The Original) says:

      I gave up on my crush on him years ago. You are a stronger woman than I.

    • Josefa says:

      I still have a crush on the Johnny Depp that was actually charming. I just try to pretend him and whatever he has become are not the same man.

  6. lisa2 says:

    I don’t know.. I think he was trying to make light of missing that press conference. But because the movie didn’t do well whatever he says or does will be over analyzed.

    that safety pin earring is probably worth thousands.

  7. Katie says:

    Poor Johnny. Your 50s aren’t treating you very nicely are they?

  8. lower-case deb says:

    he looked like a halloweener in a steamrolled steampunk bedazzled Shrek costume in that last pic.

  9. mimif says:

    My bf is a firm believer in chupacabras and was so! excited! when he read this headline last night. “See, it’s TRUE!” Sigh. Thanks, Johnny.

  10. clara says:

    God, he’s pathetic.

  11. PunkyMomma says:

    He’s totally going crazy Joaquin Phoenix on us, isn’t he?

  12. Izzy says:

    Must be nice to be able to blow off work commitments when you have a “cold.”

  13. GoodNamesAllTaken says:

    She looks so pretty in that first picture, and he looks like a ventriloquist’s dummy.

  14. scout says:

    Great excuse for people who are late for work or school. Haha…..
    Python swallowed me, I had to cut him to escape and come to work late.
    Armadillo bit me, had to go to the hospital to get treated, I am late.
    Hugged by a Bear in my backyard, I had to wait until he let me go. Late for work.
    My cow was in labor all night, I didn’t do my homework.

    • lower-case deb says:

      my cow was in labor on my homework which the wolf–of no decipherable speech–then ate and then peed all over the engine block of my farmobile. then i ran out of steam and i couldn’t cleanse myself.

  15. capepopsie says:

    He is tired. . . ?
    Have mercy!
    What does he Think we are. . .

  16. IRONIC says:

    Let’s count how ignorant do not understand the joke. Starting with who wrote the matter. lol

  17. bns says:

    Cold aka too drunk/high to pull it together for the press. Embarrassing.

    • Mich says:

      Never, in a million years, would I have been able to predict that he would morph into the Cracken.

  18. InvaderTak says:

    I want to believe, Johnny, but….you’re making it really difficult.

  19. Talie says:

    How on earth did anyone around him think that statement was even close to being a good idea?!! Wow…

  20. ataylor says:

    Baffled this guy is still relevant. I have never understood the fuss over him.

    • Belle Epoch says:

      ATAYLOR yah I’m with you. He was ridiculous in the Pirates movies – and that was when he was on top of the world! Now he puts out a crap movie and is rude on top of that? Is he committing career suicide on purpose? Or does he need rehab? He even looks dirty. What is she doing with him? I don’t trust anyone who needs 1,000 accessories to hide behind (except Keith Richards and Steven Tyler).

  21. vauvert says:

    Johnny, it’s not the agent or manager or other staff you need to change. (Not that I believe he is crushed or anything about the Mortdecai flop… he is much more likely to blame the peasants for not understanding his high art.)
    I think his real problems are two fold – one has to do with the material he chooses, and I am sure he gets a lot of scripts but always picks the ones that allow him to hide behind an OTP costume, or that are foppish/silly. Get over that, pick scripts that have depth and interest, whether comedy or drama… even a good TV series where you could actually act – no mustaches or wigs or outlandish costumes.
    The second problem is how he presents himself lately – bloated, incoherent, adorned with hats and scarves and rings and necklaces like a 12 year old wannabe punk goth kid. Even when he wears a suit it’s more like a caricature, a Mafia don double breasted suit that is too tight, with the pocket square and the dark shirt… ridiculous! And giving insane interviews about his friends (Manson??) and influences and his bs philosophy – why isn’t anyone in his circle telling him that he is embarrassing himself?
    A lot of people on this site used to be his fans judging from the comments and I think a lot of us are feeling sorry for him at this point, which is very ironic considering that he is so wealthy, and a brand name, but lately he has come to represent boozy mid-life crisis, not helped by getting engaged to a woman young enough to be his daughter and by his continued attempts to look oh so cool.
    He really should learn from how some other male stars are aging gracefully and staying sexy – Kevin Spacey (couldn’t care less if he is gay or straight, he is brilliant, makes great movies, House of Cards is a critical success, and he keeps his private life at home!). I mean Tom bloody Selleck is 70 and looks better IMO. And Harrison Ford – that is how a real movie star ages with dignity, and continues to act, and he maintains his sense of humour while staying cool without being all desperate for it. Anyway… morning rant over. I just couldn’t help myself – Chupacabra? really??

  22. Skins says:

    God, he wants to be a rock star so badly

  23. Newgirl says:

    He has typecast himself, so now every director wants him to look like a cartoon character. Years ago some of his roles were considered creative…but now?…… dude…just no…’s done.

  24. kri says:

    Hmmm. The Curious Case of The Chupacabra. I think it translates to “Goat sucker”. I could be wrong. Anyway, I suppose that in his head, this was a witty riposte. I wonder if maybe chupas live in the bottom of a bottle? You know, it’s not his age/weight gain that has ruined his appeal. It’s his asshole-ishness, dumb decisions, and immaturity that have made the opposite of sexxxxy. That chupa is too sexy for Johnny’s scarves.

  25. Tulip says:

    How very Hunter S. Thompson of him:)

  26. Janet says:

    It just might take a real chupacabra attack to salvage what’s left of his career at this point.

  27. Sofacat says:

    Just rude and pathetic. That’s how much he cares?

  28. NeoCleo says:

    “so he’s rambling on about a random cryptid instead.” What is a “random cryptid”??

    • iheartjacksparrow says:

      Cryptozoology is the science of animals that are believed to exist but there’s not conclusive proof such as a live animal or dead body (blurry photos and footprints don’t count). Think Yeti, Bigfoot, Nessie, Champ, Mothman, Grassman. etc.

  29. Tiffany says:

    Say what you want about Goop, but she handled her business for the promotion of this film.

    It makes me almost respect her.

    And for that Johnny, I will see you in hell.

  30. tabasco says:

    I get that he’s going through a something – and has been for a few years or so – but, to me anyway, he’s still Johnny Depp. Everybody goes through rough patches in their lives. I have faith in Johnny. Really, he’s only the end of a midlife crisis, a few pounds and a shower away from our old Johnny at his best. And when Johnny Depp is at his best, there’s nobody better. I mean, in these pics, he’s in the middle of his whatever crisis, he’s put on weight, he’s dirty, probably drunk/stoned, and you can STILL see the hot that’s underneath. He has always been one to fight the hot – – on the somewhat rare occasions, even before his midlife crisis, when he showed up cleaned up – I mean, still *half* the cleaned up that most actors do – GORGEOUS. I predict he will, eventually, get past the crisis, lose whatshername, and continue being the only actor in Hollywood who makes his own characters. He will still fight the hot b/c that’s his way, but there it will be anyway. And I like his scarves, dammit!

    The thing about Johnny’s “rebel” is that it’s not a put-on. So, fine, wear your scarves and zillion dollar safety pins and weird (awesome) old school suits and wingtips. He’s always been that way, in various forms – – not like some others who are just “weird” b/c they think it makes them “cool” when it’s just a stupid front. Johnny’s is genuine.

    The Johnny we love will be back!

    • Kitten says:

      We all give him a lot of sh*t around here but I think that most of us are rooting for a comeback–or at least I am.

      I was such a giant fan of his (and I still am a fan in many respects) but it’s been hard to see him transform into a caricature of himself.

      Depp’s a really talented actor, and someone who seems genuinely humble to his fans and grateful for his fame. Scarves or no scarves, I don’t get how anyone can truly hate on a guy like that.

      Like others, I’d like for him to reel it in a for a while, stay on the DL, and gradually start choosing more interesting roles, you know? I hope he makes a kickass comeback, but for that to happen, he has to disappear for a while…

      Oh, and I agree that underneath the silly get-up and greasy hair is a really hot guy. I hope we get to see *that* Depp again.

  31. Faith27 says:

    Chuppacabras are also called followers of Johnny’s good friend Damien of the WM3 case. They also have an matching tattoo, just as with Manson, matching tattoos are his fancy now.

  32. Emily C. says:

    The person I thought he was proved to be a complete fantasy when he made a video defending Roman Polanski. Now, I point and laugh, and think of all the actresses who could not get away with even LOOKING 1/10 as absurd as he does, let alone turning in flop after flop.

    He used to be able to act, but was he ever a decent person? Doubt it. I’m not about to feel sorry for Mr. Midlife Crisis, best buddies with Marilyn Manson, trying so hard to be cool at the age of 51. He deserves to be laughed at, and I am enjoying laughing at him. I just hope Amber Heard gets what she wants out of him.

  33. Me says:

    It was a funny story and gave to the journalist material to write about instead of a boring cold.
    I’m the only who got the joke? Also the journalists were cracking up all the press conference with him. Mission accomplished! he made them to lose their time the day before when he didn’t showed up and the next day he gave to them a good time laughing and material to write

  34. Debutante says:

    I love that safety pin earring…… FOR ME !!
    Not for a guy ! Not even Johnny Depp !