Here are some photos of Mindy Kaling at the 8th Annual Veuve Clicquot Polo Classic in Jersey City, plus some photos of Mindy and BJ Novak at the 2015 BookExpo in NYC on Saturday. Mindy has short hair now! I think she legitimately cut her hair, as opposed to “just taking the extensions out,” which is how many celebrity women have “bobs” these days. I didn’t think a bob would look good on Mindy, but surprisingly enough, it does look pretty great. It compliments her face and makes her look very fresh for summer.
At the BookExpo (also called BookCon), Mindy chatted about her newest memoir/book of humorous essays, Why Not Me?. She also chatted about The Mindy Project’s move to Hulu and how the show will change a little bit. Some highlights:
TMP’s move to Hulu: “My TV show, which is the love of my life, has been through a lot of changes. … It’s like being in a really rocky relationship — it’s been more dramatic than any love life has been, this show that’s about romance and dating. The writers’ room is starting up on Monday!”
Future TMP storylines: “Can we just be all sex and drugs? Matt [Warburton] and I are both smart writers but also repressed people. We decided we want people who tuned into the show to tune in for two reasons: because we’re doing things we couldn’t do on network TV, but also not giving up what people love. … And so much of romance comes from restraint, and the things you don’t see. … I always have to remind myself that a little goes a long way. I think we are gonna push the envelope in ways we haven’t been able to, which is great.”
Focusing on female friendships: “It’s hard to make friends as an adult woman. … In L.A., the only people you meet are women in your spin class. And you have to wonder, if a woman seeks you out at spin class, you wonder what the motivations are! But you’re so desperate for friends. … It’s much harder to find someone you want to talk to than a man you want to sleep with. The only thing I want to do in the next five years is make a good friend.”
Aw, that makes me sad that she can’t find cool ladies to befriend in LA. She wrote a lot about her girlfriends in her first book, and I do think her closest friendships are ones that she made in college and in her first years living in NYC. Still, she seems like she would be a great friend. LA ladies: befriend Mindy!
Mindy and BJ Novak also chatted briefly about their upcoming book project – they’re going to be writing about their weird friendship – although it sounds like they haven’t even started. What else? When Mindy was approached to do voice work for Inside Out, she cried in the meeting when she heard the pitch. The director and producer told Vulture, “She said, ‘I think it’s great that you guys are making a film that shows that it’s difficult to grow up and that it’s okay to be sad about it.’ And we were like, ‘quick, write that down!’”
Photos courtesy of WENN.
She’s right. Its hard to make friends once you’re an adult. I was talking to my husband about the same thing—- we’re moving to a new area shortly, and I am afraid of the isolation.
Super hard. My husband and I just moved to the South from the Midwest for his job. I am staying at home with our 9 month old daughter and sometimes I just want another adult to talk to throughout the day.
@teatimeiscoming I hear that! my husband is in the military and we move more often than I would like. We have lived in Maryland for two years now (I’m from New England) and I haven’t made a single friend. Not one. Its super lonely. I have never ever had this issue before. We are about to move again and I’m praying I have better luck this time. It’s hard as an adult to make friends and also keep friends. It seems the older one gets the harder it becomes. Work friends can also be a catch 22 , you could be the bestest of friends when you work with someone but as soon as one of you leaves the friendship many times goes as well.
We just retired from a full career in that life. I feel your pain, and don’t miss that aspect of the life at all. If it helps, some places are better than others. Living on base helps a lot – and being overseas, as well. People in cities surrounding military bases see a lot of turn over and many aren’t too keen to make friends with folks they just have to say goodbye to in a couple of years. It’s understandable, but doesn’t make our lives any easier. Living on base gives you that instant connection with other people in your situation. The housing is often substandard, but often, the relationships and memories you make more than make up for it. Good luck, and best wishes to you and your husband, TifyGoddess. I hope you meet some amazing friends soon.
I moved to a “new” town 10 years ago and can still count on one hand the number of friends I’ve made. It’s really hard.
It is really hard making friends as a mature adult. All my friends are work friends, but we don’t see each other on the weekends, evenings, etc. I have one friend who isn’t work related – she’s a fellow pug person and lives around the corner from me. Aside from her, I really don’t have any really good nonwork friends.
I really feel for people who are moving to a new area or at home with children. I couldn’t do it, that’s for sure. And forget even looking for another job – then I wouldn’t have any friends!
It’s hard in LA, especially when you reach a certain age as a single like me, but I do remember back in Boston that it wasn’t that easy either even in my 20s.
Friends/social groups seemed based on where you went or were going to school, and in either city, most of tend to make friends at work if we’re lucky. The trick was then, and it’s even moreso true now, to do various activities, volunteer or otherwise, and be open to different people.
Anyway, shoutout to Mindy – she and I grew up in the same town, and I’ll be her friend in LA – call me!
My husband and I moved to a new area 5 years ago for his post doc. He got a job around here and everyone else got jobs elsewhere. So we moved. Made friends. And then they literally all left. I’m home with a toddler and an infant all day. My family is hundreds of miles away as are all my really good friends. It’s hard.
It’s so so hard.
Even with my ice breaker toddler, it’s been hard. We still stay in contact with friends from years ago. I have people I’m friendly with when I see them, but no real friends(yet).
Adults already have friends from years ago, their social circles are formed. Hopefully we make some good friends soon or persuade our best old friends to move here haha.
I’m a stay at home mom, should be easier once I’m working again.
Why is that, though? It’s hard for me because I’m not very social. I hate small talk and prefer the company of people I don’t have to work at conversation with. Is everyone on this thread like me? Or is it also hard for more extroverted types to make new friends in adulthood?
I’m introverted as well. But I’ve managed to make small talk. I have other moms who I’m regularly friendly with at play group and the park. We talk and get along fine.
But so far, they all seem to have established friends and a routine. People they have a past and shared experiences with, I’m still a new outsider.
Hopefully this changes. My husband has trouble with it as well but we’re working on it
@bettyrose – I am a social person who is outgoing, but the friend making thing is hard. I agree with those above who say people already have established circles. I think those people, by nature, just don’t want to accept new people into the “circle” because then you have to make sure the new person jives with all the others, and that takes time. (Just my personal experience.)
I’m what I’d call an introverted extrovert (or vice-versa), that is to say, somewhere along the spectrum. I spend inordinate amounts of time alone, just me and my dogs, and feel pretty contented this way.
While extroverts seem to be either always on the phone with someone or otherwise making plans to meet up and thrive on being around lots of people, I’ve accepted that as a more introverted person, I feel no need for such constant interaction and always found the idea exhausting.
In fact, I remember taking the Myers-Briggs in my freshman year of college, and maybe I answered the questions in such a way as to seem more social than I really was because I came out as an extrovert. When my mother heard that, she said, “No you’re not, you’re an introvert!” (Thanks, Mom). She was right.
I’m not shy because I think I can make conversation with just about anyone, a skill I developed in my teens, but I just don’t seek out social situations and much prefer to talk or spend time with a few close friends or family. And though sometimes I know I should make more of an effort, I don’t feel badly for being this way anymore.
Laura in LA, we have some things in common. People often think I’m more outgoing than I am because I can chat easily with people. The issue is that it exhausts me and I’d rather be with my pets. I have numerous social interactions just out running with my dog (and I enjoy brief exchanges about our pets). I really don’t know if it’s hard to make friends because I don’t try. I’m content with the few long term friends I have, and am working on finding a lifestyle conducive to adopting more pets. 🙂
bettyrose, having dogs (and walking them regularly) helps! I can honestly say I know most of my neighbors, not just on my street but for miles around me.
So I guess because I interact with plenty of familiar and friendly faces on a daily basis, I almost never feel lonely.
It’s only when I find myself having great conversations with my dogs (or talking and laughing to myself) that I think, eh, maybe I need to “get out” more?
I’ve found the opposite. It’s much easier to make friends as an adult woman. MUCH easier!
The drama falls away and people are more honest. Not only is it easier, but imo more lasting and genuine.
I agree. As adults, I find it easier to form friendships with other like-minded females v. the friendships from childhood, highschool and college who were convenient and we were kind of thrown together with. Most of those relationships kind of dwindled away after school. About 8 years ago I made a concerted effort to make new friends and I did it. I have lots of casual female friends and a couple good friends now who are on the same path, same goals, interests, etc. They’re easier to get along with – little to no effort.
Maybe I’m in the minority in my experiences but for me, alot of the childhood and college friends got really competitive and mean-spirited once we became adults, got married and had kids. I couldn’t hack the constant backstabbing and inability to be happy for other people. I dumped them and I don’t feel bad about it at all. I sought out people with a sunny disposition and was welcomed whole heartedly. Now, my friends are people who root for eachother and see eachother’s acheivements, blessings, etc. as inspiration rather than something to be bitter about.
Jennifer justice, I think your experiences are very common, but they affect people differently. I’m very cautious about who I allow into my life after those experiences. Funny thing is that the few friends I still have from teens/twenties are not the ones I would have thought at the time were the long term friendships. Life is funny that way.
Jennifer justice – so true!! Some of my college friends became so competitive after school so we (purposefully) drifted apart.
For my work, I’ve had to move countries multiple times. Talk about difficult circumstances to make friends. I think the best way is to find those people who are in the same situation as you, not the locals with pre-existing tight friendship circles. I join expat groups or women’s meetups – find people who are actively looking for friends!!
It’s WAY harder when you’re single, and out of your 20s/30s. As a woman, if you have kids, you make friends with moms in the baby groups, your kid(s)’s school friends’ parents… But especially as an older, single woman, it’s hard as hell! :- P
Volounteer.
Whenever I’ve moved to a new city (military husband) I’ve joined Meetup. I’ve never liked being part of the whole ‘army wife live your life through his work’ culture so a friend who had joined told me about it as a way to avoid that. I’ve made fantastic friends out of that site and gone to heaps of cool things I wouldn’t have known about otherwise. The good thing is everyone there is open to meeting new people so you can easily wander through a group and make conversation without wondering if they already have a friend group or anything like that. I admit I’m an extrovert so it’s easier for me but not everyone there is like me.
She looks adorable.
I’m loving the haircut on her!
So glad her show lives on. She’s excellent.
I never saw the show but am a fan of her. She keeps saying and doing things that impress me and I just love her presence in the entertainment world. (Not to mention her legendary performance on The Office)
Haircut’s cute, but that dress is AWFUL.
Agree but only 50%!! Love the dress. It’s so 80s. Touched up a bit to have a more timeless style but the inspiration is totally the kind of dresses I used to see my middle school teachers in.
I don’t know why but I can’t get on board with her. I’m proud of her as a South Asian and hope she continues to have great success but I find a lot of what she does and says off putting. I had to give up the show but I’m glad it was renewed for all those that still enjoy it.
You aren’t the Only one LB, I want to Like her and Be on board but every time I chance upon an interview she comes off so….Vapid and off putting and craving White Folk’s Cookies and Validation … IDK is just … No for me and is also she has this Valley Girl affectation thing going on that just makes me immediately switch the channel
Craving white folks’ validation is a good way to put it. I really like her but find her (as they say in liberal arts schools) “problematic” for these reasons. Interestingly, she grew up a couple towns over from me in a very wealthy white suburb so I can totally see how she would have internalized this idea. She strikes me as very insecure but super sharp and funny.
You’re not the only ones, ladies. But I show moral support nonetheless for anything that’s not too off-putting.
I agree, QQ. Well said.
Definitely. You can do all of the ‘right’ things if you’re inclined towards pursuing that, but at some point something will ‘put you in your place’ and that’ll hit hard. Why stand in the rain fiddling with a locked door when you can an umbrella and go where and when you please?
“Craving white folks cookies”??? I’m so offended by that. Mindy is born and raised in Boston. Her parents are/were a successful architect/doctor. She graduated from Dartmouth. She doesn’t need any white folks cookies. You need to reflect on your own racial insecurities and stop projecting them on other people.
She and her brother both seem to have issues with race. The preoccupation she and her brother have with race just put me off her…no matter how good her show might be.
I think Mindy does have some self hate. You have to like yourself first.
The hair looks nice, as does the dress … but those shoes have got to go
Her last answer made me sad because it’s so true. I lost contact with almost all my high school and university friends and now it’s so hard to find someone. If she, a bubbly and friendly extrovert has trouble, what introverts like me can do? I hated high school but I miss it now – so many wasted opportunities.
I’m kind of worried about her comments about the future of the show. If they will try to push the boundaries too far and focus on showing everyone how free they are out of network more than on character development, it might not end up good. It’s a very fine line.
I also found that the older you get, the harder it is to make new friends. It seems like our lives get busy with work and/or children and it gets harder and harder to find the time to spend with friends. Most of the women that I know have had their friends for 20 plus years. Few of them have made new friends since they graduated, or got married, or had kids, or moved or divorced, or retired. My experience has also been that the larger the family or the more siblings a person has, the less likely they are to make new friends. It is as if they already have a built in social network. No shade – just an observation from an only child from a very small family. I just recently retired and I was surprised that “out of sight was out of mind”. People with whom I worked with for over 20 years acted like I couldn’t be part of the gang any longer since I was no longer in the environment. I thought we would remain close for our lifetimes.
so true. i found that friends dropped away, and it became harder to make new friends, in my early 30’s when the other women my age began having children and i didn’t. i don’t take it personally, i just figure that women who have children are by circumstance sort of bound to make friends with other women who do as well.
a few years back, i made a new friend and she was just so awesome and wonderful and it was like having a “college” type best friend, and then after a while i realized that she was an evangelical christian on a mission to save souls, and that i was her new project. ugh. she actually had no interest in me as a person, only in “saving” someone for eternal life. i can’t tell you how pissed i was. now i’m suspicious any time someone overtly christian is nice to me.
@chaine
That period when everyone else is having children and you don’t is really hard. You might want to try to stay in loose touch with your favorites – when the kids get older, and they have more freedom, they become more available. I mean, you might not care, but I did find that to be a very lonely period in my life, but it got better.
Damn it chaine, it happened to me as well. Homegirl was calling all the time, asking me out and all, but when I told her I wasn’t going to be one of them, she forgot me in no time.
GNAT, so true…
As I was telling my older sister the other day, being in my early 40s, single and childless has been hard with women my age that I know suddenly having babies as if it were “last call”.
At times, I’ve felt lonely and left out because it just hasn’t happened for me, but I know this a busy time in their lives. I also know that friendships come and go, and some are merely situational, not meant to last forever.
This has made me all the more grateful for the close, longterm friendships I do have – and the new ones I’ve been forming with others, even couples comfortable enough with each other to hang out with a single like me.
Some women, it seems, do not want friendships outside of marriage and mommyhood, as if I couldn’t possibly understand – too bad for them because I’m really a very empathetic person.
@laura in LA
Definitely some people can’t seem to have friendships outside of their husband and children, and you’re right – it’s their loss. You’re smart to just treasure the real friends, old and new, and not worry about the others. And it does get easier once the children are older.
I went to the panel and it didn’t sound like it. I think they will probably swear and maybe use less innuendo but not go off the rails. At least that was the impression I got.
I think as we get older, it boils down to finding the specific person/personality who will take you as you are, and someone else who you will enjoy. If you can find that in a person you’re lucky. It’s difficult at times. I think we all have things we want to say to new friends, but don’t, for fear of scaring them away.
It is actually natural to go through a stage in adulthood where we re-evaluate our relationships and keep some, while others we let go. People grow out of eachother. People move away. Families and work demand all our time. But more than anything, our priorities change and depending where we’re at in life, it’s hard to be friends with people we don’t have things in common with in the now. I’ve talked about this a lot with my older brother. He doesn’t have anything in common with his childhood friends and some have become absolutely toxic. There is nothing wrong with cleaning out relationships that don’t work for us any longer. Especially once we start our own families and really see how people we thought we knew prioritize and parent their kids and spouses. I’ve watched a friend become a horribly selfish person who actually gave up her toddler child to her grandmother and proceeded to live with a man who had money but treated her like crap for 15 years. She became really unsupportive of everything that was happening for me and always had something rotten to say. I finally just let her go. It was hard and sad – no different than splitting with a long-term boyfiend. There was serious grief involved, but once I got past it, it was one of the best things I could’ve done for myself. Sometimes friends become frenemies.
I get what she’s saying about new friendships, it is really hard even more so as you get older.
Most of my friends I’ve known for ages. In fact the only new bonds Ive made in the past few years would be with people online. It gets hard to even meet new people if you live in a small town or work for small companies without a lot of new people coming thru.
She looks super-cute, although I don’t like the first sundress. I’m going to disappear now, because I initially interpreted the debuting ‘bob’ as some new character she named ‘Bob”. Plus, you guys posted a GoT article, and that’s like putting sugar out for ants.
It’s hard to make friends as an adult anybody. That’s not a female specific problem at all.
Really? I don’t know about that; my husband makes new friends all the time and really easily. He’ll go to Home Depot and be invited to a bbq. Not so for me.
i hear ya. My husband is the same way. He’s more outgoing than me; he’ll strike up a conversation with anyone. It’s a lot harder for me.
Mine as well. Anywhere he goes he can strike up conversations and walk away with new friends. It’s great that he’s got a wide circle of friends and I meet a lot of wonderful people through him, but at the end of they day they are all his friends. Me – I find it virtually impossible to make new friends as an adult.
I like the bright suit she has on for the panel. She looks classy but fun.
Her haircut is cute!
It is hard to make new friends as an adult, but I made an effort to do so a few years ago- start with your interests and try to find groups that do them- mom’s groups, movies, exercise, art or crafts, book discussion, etc. i set out looking for a book club, and ended up finding some meetup groups that do a lot of fun things, and I’ve made a number of good friends. If you can’t find one you like, start your own- chances are there’s a lot of people like you out there looking for the chance to make some new friends.
That’s inspiring, actually.
It does get so much harder to make friends the older you get, and I hear all of you above about how lonely it is, and how you start to wonder if it’s you. I have five really close friends that I could call in the middle of the night if I needed to, but none of them live in my state. We became friends when we were young (my best friend has been so since second grade) and have remained close. But I haven’t made a friend like that since my twenties. I would kill to have a close friend in my town. I have women I go to lunch or dinner with, or see as a couple with my husband, but nobody I can tell anything to. What is it? Are we mored closed off, or you just don’t get thrown together or what?
I think we’re more closed off. We’re also not thrown together with peers in the way kids are at school, where friendships can evolve (and implode) so quickly.
I started grad school in my mid 20s and thought I might make a friend or two but it didn’t happen — people already seemed very wrapped up in their own lives and school was just school for them.
Then in my 30s, I made a bunch of close friends but it was all through my kids’ schools. Except one. We were in a Pilates class together but it took me a year to get up the nerve to talk to her and the only reason I did was she mentioned to someone else that she had a daughter with special needs and I saw a commonality and kinda pushed my way into the conversation and eventually befriended her.
We moved to a new town five years ago and I made a couple new friends pretty quickly, but again it was through my kids. Many moms seemed very established in their friendships but luckily a few were very open to meeting new people. The first six months to a year were hard, I felt almost invisible drifting through life until a few people started inviting us to social events and a couple friendships came out of it.
But I digressed. I think people put up walls after a certain point (as early as post college) and *act* like they’re not open to new friendships. Even though they might be lonely I think people don’t want to admit it. It takes a lot of fortitude to put yourself out there. I feel for Mindy — she has the added complication of sorting through people who may only want to befriend her because of her celeb status. Ugh.
Esmom, I think it also depends in the area or community in which you live.
The suburbs can be isolating, especially if everyone’s as busy and overscheduled with children’s activities as some are, though the city is not necessarily better, whatwith people living their own cloistered lives.
My friends and family from back East who are unfamiliar with LA are often surprised to see how walkable, friendly, open and social my neighborhood is, though I think good weather and having dogs helps.
While I may lament the temporary loss of friendships with those on the Westside who are busy with careers and young families, I also know that I’m lucky enough to have friends right outside my door here at home.
It helps to be open, though, to people of different ages, orientations, backgrounds and circumstances instead of seeking out those few and far between who are same as me.
When you get older (I am middle-aged), you just don’t have the vim and vigor that you used to have when in your teens and twenties. I, for one, am very, very content to just hang out with my dogs watching TV most evenings. I couldn’t sit still when I was young, so therefore I was out and about doing things in my free time. It’s just the way it is. My work friend and I were amazed when we met an older female who goes out every night. It just seems so *exhausting*.
One thing that really weirds my work friend and I out is all these young 20-somethings just staying home and cooking or knitting on a Friday night. Getting married when they are 23 or 24. What’s up with that?! When we were young, all we did was go out with friends.
It’s more difficult to find friends to go out these days, they’re busy sitting in front of their cumputers.
A lot of the friends I’ve made now are either through work or activities.
I think the thing is that you have to find a way to get thrown together with other adults. When we were younger it was through school or after school activities (dance, religious classes, hockey, ballet, music, whatever). As we get older, we have to put ourselves out there, by doing activities, to be able to meet people. But it certainly is harder as people become more reserved with time.
I agree with all of the posters replying here. Also, when we were younger, as mentioned, we were doing forced activities so we had to mix and mingle with others. As adults, maybe we all have shunned that and/or we are already feeling set. Or we are content to stay at home on any given night. I don’t think anyone wants to get into anyone else’s life so no one says anything, so we are all stuck.
No it’s not just you. It is normal but movies and such would have us beleive that normal people have all these super close friends that they hook up with all the time. I don’t think that’s normal at all. We have families, work, extended families, homes, responsibilities abound. There just isn’t time to hook up with friends like that. And for most of us, our close friends are from our childhood but we don’t live close by any longer and we aren’t necessarily in the same stages of life, which is crucial for continued bonding. Most of my better friends at this point are co-workers and the parents of my son’s friends whom I purposely sought to be friends with and now have a pretty close relationship with. From all the people I know, that is what is actually normal.
I researched this a while back because I thought there was something wrong with me. I read it’s natural and normal to grow out of childhood friends and we have to make an intentional effort to make new ones. It is possible and you’d be surprised how many women out there feel the same way and welcome any interest in being friends. It’s not same as the childhood friends who we have history and all the funny stories with, but to me, the new friendships are easier….it just flows and there’s no expectations or hurt feelings when we’re busy or can’t hook up. That just how family, marriage and work goes. I say, reach out and give it a try. You’ll be surprised at how well you might be received.
I think maybe we are more closed off, but I also think people don’t feel they can be their real selves for fear of offending someone. We’re all afraid to say the wrong thing so we end up talking about the weather and the conversation just drizzles into nothing.
I’m fairly introverted, so I don’t really mind not having scads of friends. I have a couple of really close friends, and we have “couple friends” and that suits me fine. I was the same in school. I had one or 2 friends I would actually go out and do stuff and talk on the phone with, and then a handful of school friends.
I think it is much harder to make friends as an adult, which is sad and scary. The other thing that is hard is to keep the level of college friendship alive when you all have moved all over and your lives start to go in different directions. College really is such a unique time in terms of friendships. It is so sad if you let yourself stop and think about it.
I often watch my 7 year old daughter make new friends and wonder why it gets so complicated as we get older. Children just bop on up to each other with no fear and ask if the other wants to play, then off they go skipping and holding hands, wish adults could be more like that! Lol
I know. Isn’t it just sweet how easy they just walk up and shyly say “Hi” and in a minute or two, off they go “friends” now. I’m a bit envious of that.
It’s so sweet to watch, and makes me a little sad because eventually all of us lose that innocence and blind trust in people for whatever reason.
It is super hard to make friends as an adult. My college friends are stil my best friends because they know all of my secrets. I now have acquaintances, not friends. I feel that women, especially those with childrens, are pretty judgemental when it comes to other women.
She took her extensions out AND got a haircut.
She’s not wrong.
I’m 26, and I had a core group of girlfriends for many years, until I became depressed and less “fun” following a traumatic breakup, and one of them decided that it was time to squeeze me out.
Although I socialise with the two girls I sit with in class at university, neither has asked me to do anything with them outside of that. My boyfriend and I have friends with girlfriends, but they’re intimated by the fact that I’m close friends with their boyfriend, having been friends with them since we were 14, and causing them to freeze me out. I’ve been so burned before that don’t naturally seek out other females to befriend.
It’s lonely sometimes.
Dear Mindy: CALL ME.
+1
Me, too!
I don’t know, I’m made some very nice new friends as a grown-up. A few anyway. I do tend to meet them at work though; not so much at my kids’ schools and activities, where for some reason people don’t seem all that open. Everyone is so so busy–maybe it’s hard to be open to new friends when you’re always pressed for time, and it’s hard to spend the kind of quality time together that’s easy when you’re in your 20s. And I can imagine LA poses its own special challenges.
It can be tough, I really want more close female friendships, I think they are truly good for the soul as cheesy as that sounds. One issue is there is often a toxic undercurrent of competition that can destroy friendships. I hope more women can be supportive of each other and understand that someone else’s good fortune isn’t your misfortune. But I think some of theses negative patterns are due to the pressure women feel from society to be perfect.
This! That’s why I say sometimes friends become frenemies because they are incapable of seeing other’s happiness and blessings, achievements, etc. as inspirational rather than a competition and something to bitter about if it didn’t happen for them. I don’t think it’s is society though that makes them that way. I think some people are just selfish and bitter and we don’t see it until we’re adults and striving for some of the same things – happy family, secure job, healthy kids, healthy selves, etc. I weeded out the bitter competitive ones. I’m super glad I did that even thought it was really hard and some people guilted me – telling me a real friend doesn’t dump their friends when they do something wrong – but if it’s a pattern and abusive and they’ve basically become toxic, it is actually the best thing you can do for yourself. Maybe it was even good for them and I don’t mean that sarcastically. I mean sincerely, maybe it was a hardship on them to be friends with me. Regardless, It was best for me and my family. I don’t want people in my life who don’t root for me.
Lifetime friendships aren’t always possible or realistic. People change so much. I just had a 30 year friendship end, I can’t tell you why, she just burned me hard and unfriended me on Facebook. And she got her mother to unfriend me. I have zero clue as to why. I’ve invested thirty years with this person and for whatever reason she’s blowing me off. I’m too old for this drama llama crap.
I would SO be her LA friend! I get what you guys are saying about her in the comments – but I still think she’d be a fun friend. And LA is hard to meet new people – if I didn’t grow up here and have that familiarity as my base, I doubt I’d have as many close friends.
I love Mindy, love her show, love Hulu. It’s a win all around as far as I’m concerned!!
I read about this in her book, and thought, immediately, I would love to be her friend.
I started my career in a city I loved, but, met my husband, and decided to move to a large city, three hours away, for his job, but, I could do something related in my field. I am now retired, (age 57), and the friends we have are on his sports team, who mostly in their 30s. In the next 6 months or so, we are planning a move to a small community, and thank goodness, we have friends there that we have known for many years, and will hopefully, integrate us into their group. I used to be such a social person, but, am feeling myself becoming a recluse, as people my age are still working, and my volunteer work is done, mostly on line.
I think it would be hard for Mindy, possibly due to her schedule, and having to be wary of
the intentions of some people. And maybe it works the other way too. People may have suspicions of her overtures, questioning why she a “star” was approaching them.
I would imagine it would be difficult to sort out the “fans” from the authentic friend possibles.
It’s a relief to see it’s not just me. I’ve been terribly lonely lately and super depressed because I feel super socially awkward at 30 just like I did at 17, only this time I can’t fake the funk anymore. Thank God I have a few good friends to help me through, but my inability to make new ones coupled with the fact that I am not one to attract men for anything more than s*x has me feeling so depressed. Just thinking that at any moment all of my friends will be paired off and I won’t even have other friends to fall back on has me in a deep depression. I guess it’s not just me; I guess it’s hard for most of us to make new friends as we get older.
Wish I could give you a hug. I hate to tell you, but I still feel shy and awkward sometimes at 58! I hate walking into a party or group of people I don’t know very well. But I wanted to ask you why you think your friends won’t be your friends anymore if they meet a guy? I know at first they will be all wrapped up in that and busier than usual, but I’m married and I’m still friends with my single or divorced friends. So maybe you’re not giving them enough credit. I hope something great comes along for you soon and cheers you up.
I know they will be my friends even if they’re paired off but I won’t be able to hang out or see them as often as I do now. I don’t like to feel stuck or dependent on just a specific group of people or one person (not even a husband) for all of my social interactions. I’m happy that I’m an introvert who enjoys being alone a lot of times but it still sucks to think that if I ever do want to go out and these 5 friends are busy that I’m stuck going out alone or not at all. I’m not super needy but we’re social creatures to an extent. The friendships won’t end, but it’s not like they can drop everything for me, you know?
Thank you for the virtual hug. I could use that right now to be honest.
Yes, I understand. And it’s hard. Hang in there. I wish I knew how to fix it.
yeah, it’s hard for me too, making friends. if your girlfriends get paired up, you can still have fun with them.
I have found many many friends as an adult, but the thing is that you have to get out into the community. I moved into cooperative housing so I could be with like minded people, I joined a Unitarian church so that I didn’t need to share beliefs to develop friendships, I participate in improv comedy and community theatre. You have to get out there.
And in a way, these friendships made in adult years are much richer than my younger years friendships because we focus on the now and not shared experiences from the past.
So for those who aren’t finding adult friends, just keep trying. New places, new experiences, things that are outside of your comfort range. This thread alone shows that people want to develop those connections, you just have to get out there and find one another
I totally agree with you, and it have made some friends recently by learning to play bridge. I always wanted to and finally did it, and I have some hopeful prospects. But before that, I did just what you said, and just never met anyone with whom I had that chemistry or connection or whatever it is. A lot of it is luck, too. But I’ll keep trying. Thanks for the encouragement.
@wif
I’m sorry, but I am curious about what you mean, when you say , ‘I joined a Unitarian church so that I didn’t need to share beliefs to develop friendships,’ maybe I am comprehending it wrong, but I to me, it reads that you wanted to avoid making friends with people who have different religious beliefs?
Nope, the opposite. I didn’t want to have to subscribe to one specific belief in order to have a community of friends. Now that group includes Pagans, Jews, Buddhists, Atheists, Christians, etc. It’s very interesting to get the variety of approaches and perspectives on life.
Yes. I want women to get out there and try to make new friends – just approach someone you think would be cool to hang out with and give it a whirl. You think you’ll be rejected but I’m highly doubting that. Women are great in that we are sensitive and perceptive. I think you’ll not only be received well, but it’s more than possible that the women you want to be friends with are looking for friends themselves. Look at all the posts on this thread saying the same thing. We ALL feel this way as adults and our childhood friends dwindle away. And yes, these new-found friendships are richer and more legit than our childhood friendships. They were convenient, accessible, who were thrown in the mix with, not necessarily who we would choose based on interests or even personality. I have way more in common with adult new-found friendships than I did with those from school. Now my friends and I have the same goals, priorities, even schedules to some degree because we all have jobs, kids in school, sports, etc. There are very little expectations because we understand eachother time constraints and just that understanding and commonality makes these relationships so much easier. They flow on their own. Sometimes it’s just talking for an hour on the phone, but God I love that!
I live in LA, an immigrant from another country. I’ve always been close to women and understand and like them, but LA is a difficult place to create and maintain friendships. It is exactly what it’s described as: flaky and fake. First of all, people here prefer to talk about light subjects, never discuss anything remotely more substantial than traffic on the 405. Second, people in LA pretend to like you and want to hang out with you but never do. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gotten “let’s get together soon!” from people who never meant it. And the people I’ve known for years also tend to drop off the face of earth. It’s obnoxious.
It’s difficult to make close friendships at any age, even when yore best friends may go away for a while, but hopefully come back together. I am going through a stage of my best friends all having toddlers. Thanks to the internet, the opportunities to find clubs and making first contact is easier than before. There is a site called Meet-up which has all sorts of shared groups, good for cities, but it does provide opportunities to reach out to people with similar interests.
And, I think its good to make friends of all ages, backgrounds etc and keep open-minded, as we get older and our experiences are far and wide it’s good to open up and learn something new. Book Clubs to climbing hills or art – share and share.
I mentioned meetup too, I think it’s a great thing for people in this position. For cities or big towns it really has many options, but even in my smaller town area, there’s a number of groups that do a lot of fun activities.
I’ve gone to a few on meetup.com and it’s always just awkward …
CH, pick a meet-up group based on a hobby you’re into, it’s easier, in my experience, to talk to people when you have something you’re both interested in to bond over. Or a group that does an activity together, rather than one where you feel obliged to socialize with small talk.
Am I the only one that sees her toes hanging way over the front of those pink sandals? Ewwwww.
Just a note: Book Expo America and BookCon are 2 separate events but both are book related and took place in the Javitz center with BookCon happening on the heels of BEA. They’re similar but not exactly the same. Book Con is organized by Reed Pop, the same organization that also does NY Comic Con. Book Expo seems to be a bit more professionally oriented but they had autographs and signings too. Mindy and BJ were at Book Con and I know this because their faces were plastered on ads all over Metro North trains for the event.
As for making friends, I did a few meetups through meet up.com and I found a book club I really liked after trial and error. It’s still pretty new and haven’t made any bosom buddies yet but so far been really enjoying it.
The very best thing I did as an adult to make friends was to start running. People get together for regular training runs, there are tons of Facebook and Meetup groups, and are usually pretty open to getting to know the other folks.
That dress, though.
I agree, I moved to a new city 10 years ago. Hard to make new friends, good friends as an adult
I’ve found it is sooo easy to make friends in a college town, in or out of college. Once I moved away from the college town, it was incredibly hard especially in a big city and I always thought there would be a ton at my disposal.
I also hate to say it, but once the children come along, if the man expects the woman to do 90% of the childrearing, those female friends disappear and unless you have a child too, you are no longer on their level especially since they now have to cancel a lot and are inconsistent. Given I never plan to have children, I feel I have to seek out other DINKS, don’t get me wrong some of my friends with kids are great, but they just don’t have time for anyone anymore; their kids have to come first (and their husbands/partners). I get it, but it makes for a sucky friendship. I almost feel like I’d make more friends if I simply had kids or bond with people who can commiserate with me, which sounds sick (I really don’t want kids guys this is just from my viewpoint). I wish there was a way to meet in the middle not parents versus non parents.
I really enjoyed reading this thread and so relate to what many of you express about the difficulty of making friends as an adult. I’m married and very close with my husband, but the women in my age group are all into their kids and grandkids (of which I have neither) so I find there to be a gaping chasm between us on that level. Also, there’s kind of a socioeconomic component as well; I’m very educated but hardly prosperous or engaged in any sort of impressive career. Where I live, most of the women my age with whom I come into contact are married to wealthy guys and/or are Super Career Women. So I can’t talk about house remodels, Botox or all the work kudos I’m not getting. Nor would I want to, I guess. Sometimes I feel as if I’m just some weird alien on a recon mission from Planet Wack.
No, you’re actually best friends with your husband and there is nothing wrong with that! I read up a lot on that too because my husband and I joined at the hip. We do everything together and I’d rather be with him than anybody else. People were telling me we’re unhealthy or abnormal, but studies show these are the marriages that usually last. You aren’t from Plant Wack. You’re from Planet Blessed.
Get a dog! Then you’ll make friends. I wouldn’t have a single friend in NYC if I hadn’t moved here with a dog; as it is, my social calendar is booked with great people I met while walking my dog.