Full disclosure: I do not watch The Real Housewives of Orange County. I am covering this story because it’s mind boggling that there are actual women who blame themselves for their husband’s wandering dick. Apparently The Real Housewives of OC’s Shannon Beador is one of them. I was facepalming over some of the quotes she recently gave US Weekly, while accompanied at an event by her cheating husband. Of course she’s already forgiven him, because his cheating was her fault for not being “an amazing wife”. What does that entail exactly – stroking his ego, never criticizing and being available to him at all times? I don’t know how this woman is portrayed on the show, but this just rubs me the wrong way.
I did some research over on RealityTea, and apparently Shannon caught her husband of 14 years, David, whispering on the phone about a year ago. She then dug through his briefcase and found hotel bills and confronted him. Shannon later blogged about why she chose to put their marital issues on the show and forgive David, after they went through counseling together and with their children.
Here are some of the things Shannon told US. It’s clear that she thinks she’s at fault:
The pair, wed for 14 years, fought about everything from sex to time spent together. “If I had been an amazing wife,” she said, “he wouldn’t have gone elsewhere.”
They split in 2014 when David left to be with the other woman. Two weeks later, he came back after reflecting on the “destruction” he had caused. “I really hurt Shannon,” admitted the construction company owner. And for the past year, the parents of Sophie, 13, and twins Stella and Adeline, 10, have been in counseling. “So many people toss their marriages in the trash,” said Shannon. “We aren’t.”
[From US Magazine, print edition, June 22, 2015]
Is this lady convincing herself that she’s to blame or did her husband convince her? While I understand choosing to work on a marriage after infidelity, which is one thing, deciding that you’re the one at fault when your partner cheated is another. Yes no marriage or person is perfect, but cheaters are going to cheat. It may not matter what the other partner does if the opportunity presents itself. There are so many other ways that David could have handled trouble in his marriage. It is weak and passive aggressive to sneak around outside a marriage instead of talk things over with a spouse. Also, David probably came back after two weeks because it didn’t work out with the side piece, not because he felt guilty.
No no no!! The cheating is rarely ever about the spouse and more about the cheater and their issues!!! I am so tired of women taking the fall and blaming themselves when their husbands stray. A man can be completely happy at home and still cheat.
The best class I ever took in college was men and masculinity and it completely changed my outlook. Men are often taught this messed up concept of masculinity and many times that concept is what drives them to cheat or act in the way they do. Homophobia , hypermasculinity, showboating , abuse and so on is some of the results of this “man up” mentality. Women in relationships have nothing to do with this yet here you have women taking the blame for what their men do.
“I do not watch The Real Housewives of Orange County. I am covering this story because it’s mind boggling that there are actual women who blame themselves for their husband’s wandering dick” – Celebitchy, I don’t watch it either but, like you, I’m just sitting here with my mouth open that a woman would say it’s her fault that her husband cheated. I thought we were past that kind of thinking, but maybe she’s so self-absorbed that she can’t imagine any event not being about her!
I think it’s a poor role model for young girls when a woman says this. It’s not true.
Actually, this is really sad. Boiling it down to saying she’s too self-absorbed to feel differently is so rude.
She was probably raised in an environment that taught her this, and she probably feels powerless in her marriage except by what she gives her husband (and clearly she thinks it’s her job to stop him from cheating). It’s really sad.
I don’t watch either, but it sounds like he’s probably a narcissist who has convinced her that if she were only the perfect wife, he wouldn’t have had to go outside the marriage. It’s part of the not taking responsibility and always blaming someone else.
Her self-esteem is probably in the basement.
My abusive ex managed to convince me that it was my fault that he beat me up… once. The second time I left him.
I’m so sorry that happened to you, but I commend you on bring strong enough to leave and know it’s not a problem with you.
Prefacing that I don’t watch the show or know who these people are. Eh, it kinda sounds like they are both taking blame for a shitty time in their marriage where bad decisions were made. Cheating is bullshit, but it happens, a lot, and is usually a symptom of an unhealthy partnership with one person being too passive aggressive to be upfront about their unhappiness. It can also have nothing to do with the relationship and all to do with the cheater and their own issues. While I don’t like her wording of ” not being an amazing wife” I do appreciate that it takes two to tango and who knows what happened behind closed doors in someone else’s relationship that led to their problems. They both admit fault and then used it as a wake up call to work in their marriage. Hopefully they can be stronger because of it and through their extensive counseling. But yeah, the Real Housewives characters generally suck so there is always that!
+1
She’s a hot mess in general with all her crystals and psychic ramblings. Why do people like choose to be on reality?!!
I like all her crystally weirdness but she is a hot mess. Not making excuses for the husband but I think she is kind of a martyr and enjoys the attention that brings.
Shannon and her husband have completely grown apart in my opinion. I think it happens sometimes. You’re just not the same person you were when you got married.
I feel badly for women who are going through infidelity and read this nut case comments. The cheater is to blame and it is never ok to cheat on your family. Even if you have hit a rough patch, you talk to your spouse and go through counseling. Nobody should ever be blamed for another’s behavior. He was being selfish and wanted what he wanted.
This is scarily similar to dv victims blaming themselves for being abused. “It was my fault, I shouldn’t have pushed him to do it.” “All he wanted was food ready when he got home, it wasn’t too much to ask.”
Wow, just wow. This woman is going through mental gymnastics to explain to herself why her douche of a husband cheated. He’s an arsehole. There’s your answer.
She is portrayed as an alcoholic and extremely insecure. Kind of like Kim Richards, but not as crazy. Her relationship is terrible, and she and her husband have nothing in common. They should divorce, but I think he cares about his kids. He seems like pretty decent father, but terrible husband.
Not defending him in the least but you can tell from watching the show that she is almost repulsed by the thought of him touching her. during season one she literally had to take shots in order to let him touch her. I REALLY doubt this is the first time she’s “caught” him and likely she just agreed to make it part of the show for a storyline.
I watch the program…Shannon is a sweet person…but often plays victim. In this case I would say her husband reached that stage in life…where he needed his ego stroked…and some babe came along willing to do that. Shannon was no doubt absorbed with raising her children…and playing hostess to all the housewives….and he took a back seat to all of it. Poor baby. Been there…done that. Once again…the cheating husband gets a “free” card to get out of jail…and the wife or mistress gets the blame. Its seldom HIS fault. Always the woman’s…which is how women deflect the blame off their husbands. It had to be her fault…or the “other woman” who made his stray. BULLS**T! Face it..your husband cheated…it had nothing much to do with you…but he’ll make it appear that way. And if you allow it…you’ll carry that blame in every argument you have from this day forward. He came back because the grass wasn’t greener and he figured it out in a hurry….NOT because he felt guilty for hurting you.
I do watch the show, and I don’t think she’s taking 100% blame. While ultimately it’s the cheating partner’s decision to cheat, the circumstances that lead up to it are often the result of contributions made by both partners. We’re all responsible for the state of our relationships, and to walk away from an experience like this without looking back to see how maybe, possibly we might have contributed in some way is a missed opportunity to grow and learn as a person.
She did say when she first suspected, he told her she was crazy, which was pretty effed up on his part. But I think she’s owning up to some of the responsibility, which the show has not touched on. E.g. the marital counselor briefly mentioned her “anger issues” and how destructive they can be to a relationship, but then that subject was dropped.
I’m going to sound incredibly jaded here, but isn’t fidelity a thing of the past? I think I only know of a handful of marriages who haven’t experienced some type of infidelity, whether it be physical, emotional, etc. Also, if he leaves you for the side piece and comes back after any period of time, it isn’t because he realized how great you are. It’s because it didn’t work out with the side piece and he does not want to be alone. Again, jaded, but a lot men are ridiculous and can’t handle being by themselves for more than a week before moving on. If they haven’t already moved on while in the previous relationship.
“if he leaves you for the side piece and comes back after any period of time, it isn’t because he realized how great you are. It’s because it didn’t work out with the side piece and he does not want to be alone.”
Yep. ITA with this. I guess I’m jaded too
Good lord woman, HE LEFT YOU!
“So many people toss their marriages in the trash,” said Shannon. “We aren’t.”
well, he kind of did, didnt he?
i hear this quite often from men and women who have been cheated on and want to stay together “i cant do this to my family” well your partner already did it to your family.
I wouldn’t be surprised to see these two to end up on a show like Celebrity Marriage Bootcamp or something similar now.
Most who have followed this show, like me, aren’t surprised he cheated. She was a beyond, beyond neurotic, rich bored housewife on wheels that would have drove any man crazy. Instead of becoming involved in the world and making a difference or involved in anything to fill her day before the kids come home from school all she does is she is running from one holistic doctor to another with her latest obsessions, many just bizarre, and just about me, me, me, my unhappiness. Too many hours in her day to jut sit there and focus on her misery. It’s not that she doesn’t have legitimate complaints about the marriage, but a lot of her unhappiness is from being too self-absorbed.
People in this kind of relationship don’t leave because there’s children involved. He just gets up and goes to work at the crack of dawn running a construction company every day and works long hours and tries to tune out her bitching at him the minute he walks in the door and the drinking she seems to do. And he emotionally checks out on her and she feels more alone at night. Then he gets up and starts all over again the next day, thinking this is my life. Then one day someone pays them attention and they feel alive again and it happens in a split second. I’m not excusing that he did it, but I”m saying none of us were surprised because she is kind of a emotional whackjob, but a sweet whackjob. I like Shannon, but I said all along he was ripe for an affair. I think he wanted her to catch him and so didn’t hide it well at all. I don’t even think he knew why he wanted her to catch him, except he knew he couldn’t keep doing it and stay in the marriage and needed to face it, whether by leaving or trying to fix all of their problems that pre-existed the cheating and had been going on for years. I just don’t think they have much in common anymore.
Nailed it.
I too watch the show and completely agree
Completely agree with your take on it!
I will admit to not watching the show or having any concept of the existence of these two individuals prior to this article. What I want to say is this: I hate that she’s blaming herself for his behaviors. He should own that 100%.
HOWEVER: It makes me crazy when people shame women for trying to make their marriages work after a cheating episode. This whole attitude of “a cheater is going to cheat” and “once a cheater always a cheater” is not conducive to a productive conversation about WHY people cheat and WHY people choose to stay with someone who has cheated. Sometimes people cheat because they’re compulsive liars, sex addicts, or just plain jerks. But more frequently it’s more complicated than that. Cheating can be a behavior of insecurity (about yourself, your relationship, etc) and CAN be a product of difficulties in the marriage (difficulties being handled in a completely conter-productive manner, but still difficulties). Kudos to him for realizing his behavior was wrong and to both of them for working together to make their marriage work.
Eh, fidelity is overrated.
Oh my god. My list of Punchable People has expanded by two. Listen lady-get a grip and stop making excuses for this whiny toolfaced douche. And oh, this guy and his smirking face. He needs to be made a member of The Robin Thicke Society stat!
When you marry a cheating jerk, it doesn’t matter how amazing and wonderful you are – because he is NOT.
I recently talked about this subject to a psychologist/family counselor friend of mine. She said that the majority of men cheat simply because they have the opportunity to do so or because they are bored. Seriously! Women she said cheat because they are either done with their marriage and want a safe place to “land” or because they want to get the husband’s attention and want to get caught. Very interesting. I think this is probably true. What do you think people?
This reminds me of some other real housewife from a couple years ago (I don’t watch the shows so I can’t remember who she was). She said she forgave her husband cheating on her because, “You don’t throw away your marriage for one night.” Um, ok…. wasn’t your husband essentially throwing away his marriage for one night when he cheated???