Gwyneth Paltrow has been talking about sex a lot lately. Maybe it’s part of her new branding scheme: The Sexual, Sensual Goop In Her 40s. Maybe it’s a late reaction to her divorce. Maybe Brad Falchuk is giving it to her properly. Or maybe it’s a combination of all of the above. In any case, Gwyneth is not content to merely say (odd) words about sex in interviews. This week’s Goop-letter is the first-ever “Sex Issue.” Sex, Goop Style. The Low-Down on Goop’s Downtown. Becky with the Bad Straw Hair has sex. And she wants you to know about it.
You can see the whole Goop site here. The Sex Issue features an article about an “erotic theater” in LA, because rich people can’t just watch p0rn in the comfort of their own homes anymore. There’s an article about “hormone free” technology to improving your sex life. There’s a Goopy article about whether or not your lube is toxic, and whether you should make your own lube at home. There’s an informative and interesting piece about sexual trauma and psychological scarring, and how that affects one’s sex life.
But the piece that is getting the most attention is the Goop Sex Toy Guide. Because it wouldn’t be Goop if Gwyneth wasn’t recommending that you spend thousands of dollars on seasonal, artisanal vibrators. I’ll give Goop some credit – there are some affordable recommendations on her list, like a $69 feather toy, Ben Wa balls that only cost $25 and $10 “cleaning spray,” because nothing says romance like Windexing your beav. But because she’s Gwyneth, she has to remind you that only 24-carat gold touches her ‘gina: she is literally recommending a $15,000 24-carat gold dildo. There’s also a $535 whip, a $400 nipple-clamp necklace, and a $156 G-spot App. Yes, there’s an app for that. If you’re a peasant and can’t afford a gold dildo.
Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet, Getty.
i can think of much better uses for gold then being all up in a person’s junk.
That is exactly what I thought too!! Animal shelters, underfunded schools, parenting programs, beautification projects…. I don’t mean to be judgey bc it’s her money and she can spend as she pleases, but wow!!
Does she actually buy this stuff or does she get it for free from recommending it?
If she’s paying for this stuff, she’s dumb. The people actually rich enough to buy the 15 000 dollar gold, uh, thingy — like Warren Buffet ‘s or Bill Gates’s wives — are most likely not going to pay for this so I still don’t get how her site actually makes money.
With all the stuff she snorted up her nose her she has no brain left!!!!
Brings to mind the old joke: she wanted to come into money….
I feel for her kids.
“nothing says romance like Windexing your beav” LMAO
Sigh….Oh Goop, just when I thought you could not get more irritating. Some women exude sensuality … Goop you simply are not one of them.
Can’t imagine how you think that with that super sexy pink polka dot jumpsuit. Maybe if it were a little tighter below the waist…
I’m still getting a chuckle from that jumpsuit. Horrid.
Me too 🙂
Maybe she needs to windex and cleanse her beav from wearing the super tight vagina grabbing jump suit..? It screams yeast infection to me…… Too far..? And going even further, is saliva consider making ones own lube…? Yes I’m leaving this thread right now.
I have to admit, I think I preferred Gwyneth when her public image was more of a mystery. There’s nothing elegant about her anymore, nothing compelling. She seems like an overzealous control freak with an opinion on everything and she makes me so tired now.
And now, without the mystery, her outfits – which were always kind of borderline anyway — seem really bad.
Yeah, I’m in shock about the 2016 version of Gwyneth. When she was 26, even if you didn’t like her, you still thought of her as being somewhat elegant and to be envied. Now? Wtf.
Can you imagine your home being burgled and telling the police some of the items stolen was a “$15,000 dollar gold dildo and a nipple clamp necklace”?
I’m just surprised that one of the toys is called Mandingo and is described as an African Bloodstone Love wand for meditation, unless the word got other connotations in America?
That is such a horrifying jumpsuit. Some designer was trolling GOOP.
I can’t get enough of those photos. She couldnt look worse and I can’t stop giggling.
Sea Monkey chic
Screaming
Thanks for repeating those jump-suit photos. I really think it’s the worst thing I’ve ever seen a celebrity wear.
Makes my day every time. 🐑🐑🐑🐑
mine too. the Adult onesie
She looks like a plucked chicken in that suit.
Make that a vag steamed plucked chicken.
A plucked chicken! Ahahahahaha!
Yes, I laugh every time too.
Yes. Never ever stop the jumpsuit photos. May they always show up on the site time and again like a bad penny.
“Becky with the Bad Straw Hair has sex”
I love this line so much
Slow clap while donkey laughing at my desk😂
So seriously, is “Becky” still just a side piece or has morphed into a white woman or a certain kind of white woman? I need context.
I had to look to see if someone else loved this like I do. <3
I’m amazed one of the items wasn’t something you put in the freezer. That seems more Goop’s speed.
right?
and what about that platinum unicorn horn she keeps up her butt? how did that not make it on the list? or was that something extra and non-sexual mommy and daddy gave her along with her harry winston necklace and therefore one of a kind? aw think i answered that myself 😜
“Ideally, you want to find a vegan, paraben-free, glycerin-free, Nonoxynol-9-free, and benzocaine- and lidocaine-free condom,””
No fun.
Sex is supposed to be fun.
Goop finds a way to ruin and suck the fun (not in a good way) out of the most natural and fun things in the world.
Sex Dementor.
ROFL! :)))
LMBAO at Sex Dementor.
Well, I kind of have to agree with her on the lidocaine point. Lidocaine numbs… why on earth…?
“Sex Dementor”
you won the interweb today
Can’t get worked up about this – it’s a good reminder that sex is healthy and sometimes people need some extras in their sex lives. These lists always include things that most of us can’t afford, but can buy cheaper versions of. I can’t afford anything in most fashion mags either but it’s still fun to look through to get ideas.
That’s what fashion magazines and high fashion is supposed to be. You look through and get ideas or find a cheaper look. The day everyone decided that fashion had to be documentary is the day magazines stopped being directional.
The spray is to clean your toys.
Thank you. It says its self explanatory but I wasn’t sure.
Home made lube? I’m lucky if there is time in the day for a home made meal, or sex for that matter. But I suppose I could crush the ingredients with the gold dildo I currently use as a door stop.
Lmao
You guys are killing me with these comments! Pure comedy gold 😉
I, for one, follow Goops lead and always lubricate my $15k diamond encrusted dildo with a gold-pressed unicorn tear solution dutifully collected under only full moons by a tribe of Bavarian druids and mixed with crushed rubies kissed by weeping treants and the blood of mermaids carefully harvested by dryads.
Judging by the comments, I’m a bit surprised. I thought everyone else did that too!
Oh Calico Cat, I think I am in love, can we now explore threesomes in quinoa gruel (so good for your skin!)- we’ll eat it afterwards, it’s such a good source of nutrition you know.
You know, after my divorce, I went through a brief and thankfully, much less public, period when I felt insecure about my sexiness. My husband cheated on me and that was pretty well known, and I was afraid people would think it was because something was lacking in me. Mostly because I wondered if it WAS something lacking in me. I worked it all out but something about the way she’s behaving reminds me of that time in my life. I didn’t go anywhere near these extremes but I made some comments that I wouldn’t make now that were (subconsciously) intended to say I like sex! It wasn’t because I didn’t like sex! I think she’ll calm down and stop making us imagine her in her kitchen, wearing that criminally ugly jumpsuit, whipping up some homemade lube. Any day now would be nice.
Gwyneth started to really appear desperate and insecure shortly before her divorce. I remember her talking openly about her sex life and ways in which she would please Chris Martin. I had already sensed trouble in paradise. She’s definitely overcompensating for what ended up being a troubled marriage and I doubt she handled Martin’s dating JLaw that well in private despite all of her comments assuring us peasants that she was cool with her ex’s dating the hottest young actress in Hollywood right now. She really should go away and go through this mid-life crisis in private like most people, but she is too starved for attention to quit her lifestyle website and giving these ridiculous statements to the press.
Yes, I think she will cringe at all this later. It screams insecurity.
Please literally never stop posting those horrid pink jumpsuit pics. They make me so happy.
I love this outfit, she looks like a Sea Monkey
I never get tired of these pictures … like a car accident. Does that make me a bad person?
God, only Gweneth can make sex toys sound boring and akin to watching paint dry.
+1 Right?
If I was that company Lelo, I would be cringing right now. The idea that she uses it would put me off.
that jumpsuit… looks like something you wear when you lost a bet.
but what if your bladder is the size of a pea? speaking of surgeries, are there surgeries that can upgrade the pea to an orange, for example.
btw… the USB vibrator seems very useful and very handy to have for those boring workdays.
Wait, no, you just nailed it. The jumpsuit looks like it is made of bladders. OMG I’m going to wake up the baby.
I can see why she chose that dildo.
It’s the longevity factor.
If I was a guy, she would have to pay me to sleep with her and/or get intimate with her.
I’d be afraid her level of dumb would be contagious.
Seriously, Who the Eff are these people?
I think she is funny in how she never fails to rile up her haters, LOL. I hope she has some fun with her 15 thousand dollar dildo!
She just has this unlikable aura about her and, no mater what she says or does, people just want to slap her. She irks me too, even though I know shes completely harmless.
Definitely cannot make myself read the articles after reading the comments (thanks, people, for taking one for the team). Goop just flat out takes the sex out of sex toy. Yeeesh.
Oh Goop, burn that jumpsuit. Yikes.
She does bring up a good point though, that lube article was good, although didn’t take it far enough. Many sex toys, including lube are not actually made or approved for internal use (I know right?) so they can end up being toxic. There is little to no regulation in this market, and most adults have no idea. That’s why so many toys are labeled as adult novelties. This can lead to issues like infections and reactions. Many toys are made of porous materials (think jelly toys) and all the cleaning in the world can’t stop bacterial growth. Many are made of questionable chemicals, know allergens, etc. So it’s best to always check what your toys are made of and how they are labeled. Lucky there are a lot of sites and places now that have upped their game and have latex free, surgical and body safe quality materials and so forth and at all price points. She had a chance to really educate women here but missed the mark.
And windex them after use and store in bag not just thrown in a drawer. Not windex, duh, but they do make toy cleaner that isn’t soap and water and doesn’t leave anything behind. You do have to wash ALL of your toys. I agree she did miss the mark.
Gwyneth Paltrow’s vagina should have its own social media accounts. Her vagina leads a far more interesting life than mine.
Ohhh…God…Go away…Just go…AWAY!
The jumpsuit is gross. And she looks tired all of the time. Also, to me, if she is “getting it” like she says she is, she surely does not have the glow one gets when they get their boots shaken.
Omg the jumpsuit!! She looks awful ..
I don’t want to look. What is a g-spot app? Like an iPhone app? I’m confused
That header photo was perfect; all pursed lips and squinty condescension (she was clutching her pearls too, but that got cropped, right?)
As for the pink sausage skin – may we never forget.