This discussion is NSFW.
Amber Rose has a weekly VH1 talk show and she’s been doing a good job of keeping up the level of “controversy.” Amber doesn’t shy away from discussing hot-button pop culture stuff, even if it involves her ex, Kanye West. She also has become the de facto spokeswoman for de-stigmatizing women’s sexuality with her Slut Walks, etc. As she talks more about that – how there should be equality between men and women for sexual acceptance – I admire her more and more. On last Friday’s episode, Amber returned to one of her favorite topics: how men view women who have enjoyed colorful sex lives, and how much internalized sexism there is when men get with women who are more experienced sexually. Some quotes:
She’s not going to count: “I’m 32-years-old, I’ve been around the block a few times. I’m not going to sit there and count. Especially all the times I said he could put the head in, then take it out, does that count? Because I used to be so good for that, I was the queen of that.”
Women should be allowed to have side pieces too: “First question: Why are men allowed to have mistresses, and why aren’t women allowed to have … whatever the f–k — there’s not even a word for it! We can’t even have, like — is it, like, ‘side d–k,’ right? I think we coined that.”
How men get praised for having mistresses: “We [women] are smart enough to not let the men find out, I feel like guys get so sloppy. Women have an intuition, if he lies we know. … Sometimes we’re in denial, like, ‘He wouldn’t do that to me,’ but at the same time we like, ‘Bitch, I know he did that.’”
If I’m being honest, I’ve internalized a lot of that “he’s a slut” or “she’s a slut” stuff too. Like, I don’t care about the Number… unless the Number is really, really big. Then my thought isn’t “he’s a slut,” but it’s more like… what are trying to prove, dude? What kind of screwed relationship do you have with sex? It’s more like a radar that goes off that the guy has issues with women and relationships. As for women and their Number… I agree, why even bother to count, and what even counts? This should be Amber’s new movement: #StopCounting.
Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet.
Why does she always wear sunglasses on the red carpet?
I read somewhere that she has her own sunglasses line, so it’s likely self-promotion.
good we need a lot more talk like that in our society.
but didnt she just like two or so years ago tell us she didnt like one night stands and threesomes are gross or am i mixing her up with someone?
I could’ve sworn she said something like that, or how she was a monogamous gal… Something doesn’t jibe. Either she was lying before or this is just for ratings.
googling now only brings the results from this show. i only remember it from when she broke up with Whiz and lots of people were talking about how she wouldnt cheat because of all of that.
She doesn’t like one night stands she just said that two weeks ago on her show.A one night stand is a sexual relationship that last one night.You can have dozens of sexual partners without having one night stands.She is monogamous when she is in a relationship.When she is not in a relationship she has sex with whoever she wants to and doesn’t feel a need to keep a tally.
Yes you can not like one night stands and still have a fair amount of sexual partners.
I hate one night stands and I think threesomes are overrated,I’m also a monogamous person in a relationship. But as a sexually active single 24 year old woman, I’ve had my fair share ( a lot that lasted a month or 2). So I can see where Amber is coming from.
I’m a year older than her and I’ve only had one true long-term relationship. The rest were on/off, or lasted under six months. In fact I had a bunch of 2-3 month relationships. So I’ve slept with a fair few people. I’ve had very few one night stands and I’m not interested in threesomes. One night stands just don’t do much for me. However, over time the numbers do stack up so I can totally understand how she can not like one night stands and threesomes but still have a “number” that might scare some guys and have had a wide range of sexual experiences.
to Colett and SKF: again i do not know what exactly she said, thats why i was aksing. it came across very prude and sex negative thats why it seemed weird to me to now go in the different direction. it seemed like every kind of casual sex was gross to her.
She’s only 32?
I didn’t realize that either, although now that I think about Kanye’s and Kim’s ages, 32 does seem to make sense.
Yea bc she probably can’t count that high.
I miss the days when things like this weren’t necessary to discuss!
Ouch!!! For someone named kittenfarts and obviously fine with discussing other bodily functions, you leave me perplexed in your line of thought…?
You miss the days when women weren’t outspoken in their refusal to be slut shamed?
Yes, let’s all return to the days where there was no concern about women’s sexual pleasure or even comfort from their sexual partners. Let’s return to the days where sex was so taboo many women had no idea what to expect on their wedding night. Let’s return to the days when women had no way to speak out against sexual assault and coercion for fear of stigma.
Oh I didn’t realize that’s what I said! I also miss the days when people chose not go discuss who they’re voting for. Now don’t translate that to “I miss the days when only men could vote!” Because THAT IS NOT WHAT I SAID! Women can enjoy sex with as many people as they like. I just find it classless to discuss it! It’s crude to boost that ones lost count or refuses to count how many guys they’ve hooked up with. I hope when her son goes to school, this doesn’t come back to haunt him.
Lol, I’m sorry I just can’t take a comment on what’s deemed classless or what’s crude, by someone that is selfed named kittenfarts….. It really is kind of funny 😂 Aaaaw, because kittens farting are soooo cute and women taking about sexual partners is dirty and shameful!!! Newsflash darlin, both farting and sex are natural fuctions.
Aussie Girl, you just got yourself a new fan…Brava!
@Kittenfarts: The fact that something is not talked about usually means it’s either such a non-topic that it doesn’t need to be discussed anymore or it’s something people are generally uncomfortable with it and then it’s a sign of a taboo. Female sexuality (sexuality in general) is still – for many people and in many cultures – a taboo and attitudes towards it need to change. That doesn’t happen in silence. Things never change without people talking about them. You assume her son will suffer because his mother enjoys her sex life and talks about it. THAT is the problem. And in the grand scheme of things, your comfort level or what you deem “classy” is unimportant.
While I agree that absolute Numbers don’t need to be shared, we really do need to keep talking about this. The “good old days” when we didn’t talk about such things are completely enmeshed in stern oppression of women’s sexuality.
It leads back into the whole stupid purity thing. Which did make a modicum of sense in the days before modern medicine and birth control, but now it’s completely outdated and ridiculous. Yet here we are in 2016, just barely breaking away from “oooooh, she’s a slut!”
Why is it classless, though? We have to talk about it at some point if we’re ever going to destigmatize it across society. She’s discussing it with adults on a cable platform that for which access can be easily controlled by a parent. On the other hand, I can’t walk through a line in a supermarket without a magazine cover featuring a woman in a bikini or sit through evening television without an ED commercial. So really, it strikes me that the problem here isn’t the discussion sex as the norm, but the fact that it isn’t the type of sexual presentation we’ve been socially inured to (i.e. white, heterosexual, male sexuality).
Maybe she lost count of the men, maybe she didn’t. One thing is for sure, she definitely lost count of her orgasms and wouldn’t we all want to be in her shoes? I know I would.
This woman knows good sex and she’s not taking shit. If there were more women out there not taking shit, men would be busy being better all around, they wouldn’t have the time to count the number of my former sex partners. (what a stupid thing!!!!!)
I have a suspicion that men are interested in this number, first and foremost, to know how skilled you are and what are the expectations. And if they don’t like the expectations, they slut-shame.
You’re probably right. On the other hand, people who slut-shame are quickly ruled out of the running as potential friends and/or lovers. That’s efficient and saves a girl from a later betrayal.
Lovers, by the way, is the old-fashioned male equivalent to mistresses. It reflects the idea that an unmarried woman shouldn’t be having sex.
In regards to the number, I think men are constantly worried about penis size and sexual prowess. It comes down to insecurity.
If you’ve seen 12 dicks you might know they are average! You may know that some men LIKE performing oral sex. Or whatever their sexual hangup is.
Anyone who prefers virgins makes me think they are a)inexperienced, b)really bad in bed, c) have issues with power and control.
@Detritus, I think that’s exactly it. Combined with the fact that they have been steeped in the idea that a woman with a large number of partners is “bad”.
Men are afraid of not measuring up, being rejected, and being laughed at. Sexual prowess is a key component of masculinity. Thus the system screws them too. For the insecure male, an experienced woman is a threat, and as such cannot be allowed. This is also the basis of the asinine men’s rights movement.
I too side eye men who prefer inexperienced women. Like wtf is wrong with you? Are you that bad at it? Or that tiny? Or that selfish?
Its sad, I read a study that shows young boys and young men want the romance and stability of a relationship as much as young girls and women do.
They are just taught from a young age that they shouldn’t, and that sex is a conquest and competition thing, so it’s harder to admit.
It sucks how we are breaking our young boys with this awfulness too.
The incel movement is the weirdest and scariest to me, how some people feel they are OWED sex.
@Detritus: I totally quote you, especially with issues of power and control. One of my ex boyfriend was exactly like this, he couldn’t stand my previous experiences because he was a control freak. The relationship lasted only a few months. I highly recommend all women to dump immediately every man who tries to slutshame them and to make them feeling guilty for having a good sexual life.
Sadly it’s not unprecedented. Sex is a trophy in many story arcs across several media. Trophies are won or earned, owed even, by successful completion of certain tasks. In many stories, the woman (and the “right” to have sex with her) is bestowed on the hero for his heroism, independent of said woman’s desires or goals in life. She’s always won over, deeply impressed, or eternally grateful, and thus gives herself unconditionally to the man. It’s merely a question of performing the right actions. I have met males who buy into that, and I hate it.
Detritus – I can totally believe that. A friend of mine is currently in a FWB relationship with a younger man (she’s 31, he’s 23). They do everything BUT intercourse because, in his own words, “he doesn’t want her to get too attached.” She laughed when she told me this because…really, dude, you think a woman her age hasn’t learned to delineate sex and romance and you – a 20-something – hasn’t? Projecting much, yeah? It’s remarkable to me how many men (and women) buy into these social precepts about gender roles and sex in order to examine their own feelings. How is that any fun for anyone?
Everything has to be discussed and overshared.
I agree, kittenfarts. Seems like you’ve run afoul of the “rightthinkers” though! Good luck with that, the pile on is just beginning.
Let me guess, you fancy yourself a “classy” woman who is “simply voicing an opinion”. I love you guys. You always think that you belong to a brave little group of subversive individuals who are the only ones not conforming to the PC crowd. When a lot of people disagree with you and do so while explaining the reasons for their position, your only response is “You can’t handle my truth!” Okay then.
Thanks Littlemiss for the condescending comment. Actually, I was raised that sex was supposed to be with someone you love and/or are very close too. As an adult, I 100% see why my mother instilled that in me. Sex is far more enjoyable when there is feelings involved. Hookups are meaningless. I was brought up that sex was meant to be intimate. Not hooking up w/ some guy at the club that doesn’t give 2 sh*ts about me. Theres better ways for a woman to explore her sexuality & not be crude. I don’t necessarily disagree with the message, more the way it’s been done!
Kittenfarts — that works for YOU. Just because you were raised to believe that does not mean that you are superior to people who DO enjoy hookups. YOU believe that sex is more enjoyable with feelings involved. You can’t just generalize these things as facts for everyone when it’s something different for everyone.
Ultimately though, while it might be what you feel is best for yourself, and many other people believe that as well – it was still something you were taught by someone else. Your experience with sex is based on what you were taught to believe to be right. It doesn’t mean it’s wrong. But it also doesn’t make Amber any more crude or any more crass to not go along with that set of beliefs.
The condescension was aimed at sunny and I stand by it because it reflects the tone of her comment.
I don’t disagree with your view of sex at all. I strongly disagree with the notion that talking about it in a healthy way is crude or tasteless or classless. We should talk about it more, not less. There are people who view sex as something only to be shared with someone you love and there are those who think it’s fine to just jump anyone who is willing for fun. There are countless views in between. All of them are valid and all of them should be treated as such. As soon as talking about it – and I don’t mean you need to randomly chat up people at the cash register about your specific number – becomes a measure of how classy someone is, we move backwards. That’s where the word slut comes from. You judge people’s level of class. Talking about sex = not classy.
My question is … why? You can have it and that’s fine but don’t mention it? I don’t know anyone who’s super comfortable with sex but highly uncomfortable with talking about it. If you’re uncomfortable with talking about something, it usually means there’s some sort of taboo/stigma attached.
Could we get the men in that pic posted yesterday in the Kim Kardashian post (where they were living it large with their women behind them) to offer some input? I only recognized three of them: Jay-Z, Kanye, Diddy. That would be fun.
I like this woman. She looks hot and has a good head on her shoulders.
Which most was that, Als?
Come to think of it, the women’s opinions would be interesting too.
Is this person a sex expert?
She brings up an interesting point…there isn’t really an opposite of mistress. Numbers don’t matter, although I probably have thought things along the same line of what are you trying to prove/what’s wrong with you if someone’s number seems extraordinarily high.
Apparently the Italians had a word for it back in the day (copying and pasting this because I will botch it otherwise) cicisbeo and the French called it cavalier servente. These were not secret relationships though, so technically, there really hasn’t been a word for them.
I agree that numbers don’t matter. I have only met one guy with an extremely high number count and he did have some issues. I wasn’t into adding to his count but lots were, I think in an effort to change him. I didn’t look at him like he was a slut, just that the guy needed help for something.
“I didn’t look at him like he was a slut, just that the guy needed help for something”
but thats exactly the problem.
He did need help. When he was in his early 20’s, he was already into three digit numbers and had 3 kids. His family was a disaster but he refused to talk about it, so I thought then, and still do, that he was looking for either love or validation by sleeping with a lot of people.
I am the last person on earth to slut-shame someone. I spent most of my life having it done to me so I refuse to do it to others. Someone up thread mentioned that it is something that rules out potential friends/lovers and I totally agree. If they are willing to do it to someone, they will be willing to toss you under the bus too.
my point is just you do make it about numbers and make it sound like its ok to have lots of partners but after a certain amount those people need help. thats not so different from saying “not more than 5”, the number is just higher. if you think its too high its the same logic that people with a low one digit number apply to people in the two digits, its too much from their pov. but its about not seeing anything wrong with it, no matter the number.
three kids by his early 20s seems irresponsible but there is nothing wrong with a partner count in the three digits at that age. if you are half way attractive nowadays its not that uncommon.
This is a serious question… Is it really common to have a count in the triple digits? That isn’t really common is it? I thought I had kissed a lot of people. But that is a lot of people to have sex with. I have not met that many people that I wanted to have sex with. I couldn’t care less who does whatever… But that isn’t really a common thing is it?
@QueenB – THREE DIGITS BY EARLY 20s is COMMON and NOT AN ISSUE?!
Even if one is not attempting to slut shame, at that early of an age having partners in that high of a number is indicative of something. It may not be a personal/emotional problem, but it would indicate that this person a) probably treats women as sexual conquests; b) is probably not concerned with having good sex and/or getting better at sex; and, c) has a high probability of being sexually irresponsible. As you said, the 3 kids is irresponsible. However, if he wasn’t using protection with those women, I’m sure there are others he didn’t use protection with either. We can pretty much be certain he’s not having safe sex all the time.
i said “not uncommon” that does not mean its common but certainly not rare. if you sleep around a bit for a couple of years 100 people isnt that much. it like someone new every week for two years. how is that a lot?
tinder and hook up culture have made it way easier and its the norm to have casual sex with lots of different people.
also my point is: if you start judging by any amout of number that is slut shaming! your point of saying 100 is too much is as invalid as someone saying 5 sex partners is too much. you are applying negativ characteristics to someone based on the number of their sex partners, what else would that be?
I am not trying to shame anyone, I just think triple digits is a lot. It’s hard for me to wrap my head around. And I seriously don’t know where people go to find someone new each week. I don’t even know that many hot guys. I may need to move or something! Everyone has their own thing and that’s great. But for me… If a guy told me he had been with that many women… I just couldn’t go there. That would be someone that didn’t look at sex the same way I do… And I would get my heart broken! I have always asked… That number means something to me, personally. But if these guys are having sex with that many women… I don’t guess they’d be to hurt by my rejection… I guess they’d just moved on to the next woman. And that’s my biggest hangup… I expect someone to think I am special and not just another number.
but again thats exactly what it is. flip it around. would you think its cool if a guy asks your number and does not want to be with you because he thinks its too much?
If a guy that had been with five women asked me how many and I said over 100 or I lost count…and he ran in the other direction… No… I could not fault him for that. That seems silly to me. I wouldn’t think he was even judging me… Just that we are not at all compatible.
Everyone can do what they want… And different people are comfortable with different things. I personally think some numbers are high. I am not being mean. I am glad women can do what they want and sleep with whomever they choose. I just think it is weird to try and act like there isn’t a point where… It’s a lot of people. Doesn’t make anyone a slut… It’s just a lot.
I don’t understand why it’s wrong to want something specific for yourself. If having a partner with an extreme amount of sexual partners makes you uncomfortable, why should you have to look past that and have sex with them? If you don’t want to have sex with someone for whatever reason you decide not to have sex with them, that’s your decision – it’s your body.
And why shouldn’t that be true when it’s a man asking a woman? If a man is uncomfortable with a woman having an extreme number of sexual partners, then he doesn’t have to have sex with her. It’s his body and his choice whom he has sex with.
The problem is not asking and judging whether you want to have sex with someone based on how many partners they’ve had. The problem is calling them a bad person based on if their preferences don’t match yours. Whether you are a man or a woman, if a potential sexual partner’s number of previous sexual partners doesn’t match with your sexual preferences, then don’t have sex with them and move on. But don’t shame them for their preferences. Just recognize that your preferences are different and move on.
And if a potential sexual partner says their sexual preferences don’t match yours because of whatever (including how many partners you’ve had), don’t get mad, just move on. As long as they are not shaming you for it, then it doesn’t matter. Again, the problem is not not wanting to have sex with someone based on different sexual preferences. The problem is the shaming. It’s not shaming to not want to have sex with someone. It’s shaming when they call you a bad person for it.
If I don’t want to have sex with someone who has had 100 sexual partners, then I’m not f-ing going to and I don’t care what other people think about my decision. It’s my body and I’m not going to have sex with someone I don’t want to have sex with.
you are not forced to have sex anyone but others can talk about what you judging others based on their number means.
here is a good guardian article, also for once with at least a couple of good comments saying how silly it is and what a red flag it is not wanting to be with soemone with a lot of partners:
judging people on their sex life and not seeing them as valid partners because they had a lot of partners is about insecurity and control, both red flags for a relationship.
I don’t want to have sex with someone with a disproportionate number of sexual partners to what I have because that means that he and I have different views on sex and what sex means to each of us. If you want to judge me negatively based on that, then that’s your decision.
If a man has had more sexual partners than I am comfortable with, then I don’t want to have sex with him because I’m not comfortable with him. I’m not judging whether he is a good or bad person based on his number of sexual partners, just judging whether or not I want t have sex with him. I don’t care how many partners other people have had, just the people I’m going to expose myself to.
If you want to think of me as a bad person because of that, fine. I’ve never shamed anyone, but you are trying to shame me. I want what I want out of life and it doesn’t matter if you disagree with my life choices. They are mine, and you cannot shame me for them.
@QueenB et al – I don’t view my post/thoughts as slut shaming, but perhaps they are. Personally, I take into context our society and how it conditions attitudes towards sex. If a guy has sexual partners in the three digits, that seems like someone who is steeped in toxic masculinity. Where it’s about sexual conquest, not to mention quantity over quality. (If you’re not even having good sex then what’s the point?!) When I think of slut shaming, not only do I think of it as a term pertaining to women, but it’s also in the societal context that women should not enjoy sex and take pleasure from it (particularly when not in a relationship). When thinking about a man who has a partner count in the double digits, it’s not that them enjoying sex is an issue, it’s that a number that high indicates (TO ME), that it’s not about sex, but the quantity and conquest. That’s just not a healthy or attractive attitude to have about sex, IMO. ETA: In terms of toxic masculinity, that’s also just a dangerous mindset to have as it relates to the impact on women.
**It should also be pointed out that the number is bound to get larger depending on how early someone started being sexually active and how long before they settle into a committed, monogamous marriage/partnership. At some point, I do expect people to lose count. Just because… who has the time? I’m out here worried about bills. LOL 😉
I don’t understand what is so bad about judging potential partners based on their previous experiences. Of course someone like me that has only slept with a couple of people is probably not going to want to sleep with someone who has slept with so many women. That is not due to my being insecure or controlling. I place a high value on sex. I do not want to share something that I think is so personal and important with someone that doesn’t value it the same way. That just seems like normal logic to me. I also don’t care to marry someone that’s been divorced 5 times. I think that these things indicate a difference in values. I am not saying I am better, just that I am different.
@HH: And what do you say about women with their number being in the three digits? what does it say about them according to you?
are you cool with men saying the same thing about them?
“When thinking about a man who has a partner count in the double digits”
if a man is attractive he will have double digits, you will find plenty of unattractive men with low numbers, if at all any number above 0, but those are also the people who will judge women who have sex and enjoy it.
lucky jane”I think that these things indicate a difference in values” thats the problem, it says nothing about a person and you really should stop thinking like that.
@ Queenb… It most definitely indicates that we have different values. I didn’t say one or the other is better… But yes… Very different values. Is that wrong to admit and say out loud or something? Are we supposed to pretend that it doesn’t? I don’t see what the big deal is.
I as an individual know what I want in a partner and I want someone that is relatively like me. I would never have a one night stand. I do not want a partner that has either. I just don’t. I really love having a lot of sex in my relationship… I wouldn’t have settled down with someone that didn’t share that same desire. And I shouldn’t have to just to be “fair” or whatever you are going for.
You sound like a woman that is passionate and knows what she wants. That is really great and I like that about you. But different people like different things. That is just how it is.
“it says nothing about a person”
I think it does. I think it says they don’t think the same way you do if they have 100 and you have 5. There is clearly a difference of opinion on sex there. AND THAT’S FINE. No one is better or worse, you’re just different. Asking for your partner’s sexual history can and should lead to a broader conversation about what one values in relationships and sex, and if you don’t agree with what they say then don’t have sex with them. And that goes for women and men. Yeah, if a dude with 5 previous sexual partners doesn’t want to have sex with a woman who has 100 previous sexual partners, then that’s his decision. As long as people are making decisions based on what’s right for them and not judging people as good or bad based on their number of sexual partners, then who cares. It’s their body and they can judge whom they have sex with based on whatever criteria they choose. Stop judging them as bad people because they make the sexual decisions that are right for them.
No one here is saying that they are judging the person with 100 sexual partners as “bad”, we’re just saying we think there is a difference of opinion on sex and we don’t want to have sex with them. That’s it.
And you know, as much as you think we are shaming others for their number of sexual partners, you are shaming the heck out of us for having a different opinion than you, QueenB.
“And what do you say about women with their number being in the three digits? what does it say about them according to you?are you cool with men saying the same thing about them?” >>> Yes, actually. Particularly in terms of the idea of sex as a “conquest” and quantity over quality. I find that mentality to be both unhealthy and unattractive, PERIOD. However, I referred to men, because if one is going to apply a feminist lens, we can’t remove sociocultural context. Men would be more likely (and conditioned) to think along those lines.
“When thinking about a man who has a partner count in the double digits” >>> This was a typo. We were talking about triple digits, and that’s what was meant.
RE: men and low numbers “but those are also the people who will judge women who have sex and enjoy it.” >>> I haven’t found that to be the case outside of religious reasons. For example, a man whose first partner was his wife, they divorced, and now he’s back in the dating world. Even knowing someone in this instance though, they just thought that the woman saw intimacy differently than they did. He didn’t say (at least not to me) that he thought her to be promiscuous.
As Lucky Jane and Trixie have stated, difference in numbers can show a differing attitudes TOWARDS SEX…AND THAT’S FINE. No one is making snap judgments about them being good or bad people, overall. Even a hyper- / toxic- masculine man can do good and charitable things such as coach little leagues or run a marathon for breast cancer. However, wanting similar approaches/attitudes to sex in YOUR PARTNER is not bad. If someone views sex as a very personal, intimate experience and they found out that a potential partner doesn’t necessarily have the same view, that could be a turn off. However, that doesn’t mean one views them as a wh*re, sl*t, etc.
In Croatian a sidepiece comes in both the female form (ljubavnica) and male form (ljubavnik), as do most nouns. It’s the same word for lover. I’ve never before realised that English doesn’t have a male equivalent.
The accepted term is “lover” but that isn’t used much these days. You find it quite often in literature. While “lover” is technically genderless and could apply to a man or woman, it’s most often used to describe a woman’s partner with whom she shouldn’t be having sex. As in, she’s banging a man she’s not married to. That man is her lover.
I didn’t think of lover, which I guess is the term one would use. However, lover also has many meanings…my husband is still technically my lover, and (even if done in a jokey way) some people refer to their partners as their lovers. Mistress, on the other hand, really only has one meaning in modern, American, English.
Just as a note, this was in the days long before tinder and online dating. I am talking almost 25 years ago. I still know the guy, am still friends with him. He has settled down in the last few years but still does not, and has never had, a long term partner. To each his own and I am not one to care about numbers. I was, and always will be, concerned for his safety and the safety of those he is with. He is a nice guy and is very honest so those who are with him know what they are in for.
That said, I am very aware of being irresponsible when one is young. That would be why I have an adult daughter who is now getting married, at my age. Like I said previously, I am not one to slut-shame. However, a triple digit number from someone who was in their early 20’s was pretty shocking and he was very open about it. Kudos to him for being so and for still being so. It’s his life to do with as he pleases, however, it was a warning flag to me when I was younger that his was so high. Again, I was not one to judge as I was no angel.
I am of the belief, and was raised by parents who believe, that what goes on in someone’s bedroom is none of my concern. My husband was very open about his number when we decided to get serious and so was I. We had known each other for years and he was surprised more so by mine then I was by his but it was not a factor in how we felt and still feel for each other. It may be for some, and that is also their choice, but we all have a past and that is what it is, a past. As HH said above, someone’s number shouldn’t create an attitude of sl*t or who*re. Life goes on and in the grand scheme of things does it really effect anyone other than you? No. It really is no one’s business.
Her way of life is not what i would choose, but bravo for her standing to what she wants and enjoys.
why not? sex with different people is healthy. you just need to work through some social conditioning and embrace it.
I had 3 People in my sexuell history and feel quite happy and satisfied with my 3rd and if i am lucky lasting till we dying, one.
I remember my first one hatefully because i was 6 when he started and i had to endure for 5 years.
My second one was years later and felt nice and my now one is my love.
Hugs to you, Ria.
In terms of your sexuality – You do you!! Live and let live, amiritie?
Like i said bravo to her for doing what she enjoys
And yes, live and let live.
Thank You for the hugs.
How is shaming (or trying to shame) someone for choosing to not have a lot of partners any different from shaming (or trying to shame) someone for choosing to have a lot of partners? It’s still shaming someone for their sexual choices.
Yeah, so natural and healthy what with the STDs now becoming drug resistant and all. People can certainly live however they choose, but others will judge. I’m certain you judge people that don’t hold your political or social opinions, and judge them harshly. Sex with lots of people spreads disease and is damaging socially and mentally to both sexes. You can try and say otherwise, but for the vast majority of people it isn’t a good thing.I It continually amazes me that people are so determined to destroy the foundations of society and turn it into Brave New World. Sad. I don’t want my kids growing up thinking sex is as casual as a handshake and that it’s good and harmless to sleep around. Seems like mental illness is endemic nowadays but we are expected to believe these “new and improved” views and changes to society are better and that there’s absolutely no connection between those things. And with all this casual sex there’s precious few real relationships so what happens? Most are going to die alone, lonely and miserable. Not the kind of society I find appealing but that’s just my opinion (which I’m sure I will be informed about how wrong it is and how judgmental and ignorant I am for it!).
I don’t think sex with a lot of people is healthy for everyone. We’re all different and have different expectations. If I sleep with a man I expect him to love me. I am not going to bed with just anyone. I am not wired that way and I am okay with that. I have known men this way too.
So you basically shamed her for not sleeping around. Pretty hypocritical, I don’t think she needs to be conditioned for anything. Maybe you need to learn to accept both sides and let people live.
Slut shaming and prude shaming are the same crime.
This is a lovely attitude.
You like your sex one way, I like my sex another.
Viva la difference and you do you.
We are saying this a lot to our 4 year old who is really into tattling…YOU DO YOU! Don’t worry about what that little boy is doing…lol
It’s not mine either and hey, it’s super weird, but her choices don’t affect my life at all! Funny how that works. Everyone should do what they want to do (as long as they’re not hurting anyone) and not be shamed for it. It’s healthy to express your sexuality in your own way, and do what’s right for you.
The best way to shut that question down is by asking if rape counts as 1 or 0
I’m not sure if I should laugh or cry at this comment.
I think this is darkly funny from a survivor. A pointed show of how our valuation of purity mixes with a combination of victim shaming and silence and the idiocy of rendering human sexuality down to a number. Poking fun at the asker, by showing them the scarier and more complicated parts of sexuality and power politics.
From not a survivor, not sure. As ria says, a hugely complicated and personal issue.
Where you ever raped?
I counted my rapist as a person whom i had sex with, sadly numerous times and AGAINST my will, other people who are survivors will till the day of their death not count it as sex, because they say it is sex only when it is of free will and without abuse.
I’m so sorry that happened to you. I was raped too (*fist bump of sadness*), I still don’t know if I should count it as 1 or 0 which is why I told my boyfriend of 4 years he couldn’t have a number without context. After listening to my stories I think he regretted asking.
Sad fistbump back to you.
I am sorry you had to endure it.
I did not want to attack you, just was asking out of curiosity.
Like i said everyone counts Different.
I was actually asked to count my previous ‘experiences’ before the rapes by the police officers in charge of the investigation. I think for them rape counts as 0.
Aren’t women shamed for not having sex/being a virgin? Like, women just can’t win: if you have sex you get shamed, if you don’t have sex you get shamed.
Shamed even worse if you have it, really like it and happen to mention the fact that you like it. Heaven forbid……
Is there a lot of shaming lady virgins? Outside of highschool, or maybe early college? I’ve heard more shaming of men who want romantic or meaningful sex, or choose few or no partners.
I do get your point though, where you have to have the exact right number. Not too many or you are a bow-legged hussy, not too few or you are an ice queen prude.
Yes, because if you remain a virgin you’re either an ice queen or completely repulsive and nobody wanted you anyway. Unless you’re a nun, but that too comes with a set of standards for service to a male figure.
So no, women can’t win and that’s completely on purpose. How else are you going to control half the population? Can’t have our baby makers getting all uppity.
I wonder if that’s an age thing too.
There is a major difference between chaste young woman and old maid. I wonder too how many of those ‘old maids’ either liked the ladies themselves, or just didn’t want to put up with some idiot’s crap. Gotta label them something horrible then, if they have no use for a man.
This topic is interesting too. It seems there’s always someone ready to decide what is good or not for women. An Healthy sex life is the sex life good for me and only me. A woman is feeling well having more partners? Then this is good for her . A woman is feeling well having only a partner? good for her. A woman is feeling well having no partners? Good for her too. And regarding the virgin issue: there are people (men and women) which, very simply, are not interested in sex, any kind of sex, and not for moralism or bigotry, and they live a good and meaningful life the same. Women can’t win, but they can give a royal fuc*up to those who try to control their life.
I love that Japan is addressing this with school children, LGBA I think is how they are labelling.
Ace is a valid sexual preference/identity (not sure terminology on this one), and it’s really overlooked.
I enjoy her a lot, she actually makes me re-think some stuff. Or think about it at all. Do I care how many people someone has slept with? I actually don’t. That surprised me a bit. There can be so many reasons why someone has has many/very few sex partners, it’s not always something problematic.
Also, on a superficial note, she’s so effin’ hot.
It’s a point Muva!
I trawled through the worst comments in recent mainstream articles about Nate Parker’s rape trial and realised the attitudes and information about sexuality are dire. I say, D.I.R.E! Yet it’s 2016 and for many it’s still go/sluts vs wife-material and it’s a sexual Darwinian nightmare out there where nice guy predators can exploit the unconscious/weakest/youngest/naive/drugged out woman and much of the society, including the legal system, will sanction their behaviour.
We need better terms and if that starts by rethinking why we don’t have congratulatory language for women, like men do, then at least let’s begin now!
I really like her and while I do agree that people tend to overshare these days, I don’t see anything wrong with having had a lot of sexual partners. But that’s probably just because I have had a lot and I also lost count a long time ago.
Anyway, I so appreciate Amber’s steez and will always honk for her.
AMMMBBBBEERR yes!! I subscribe to that notion HOARD! idc about anyone’s Numbers just be safe and KNOW what you’re doing cause I Will walk out on you mid sex if it’s bad and take my sexy patronage elsewhere
The number doesn’t matter for the public, but I think for your sexual health you should…know.
I not saying she’s wrong I’m saying that how many people you have sex with is your business, but you should know just in case something were to happen.
Even then, why would numbers matter? Regular health checks do, and women should not be ashamed of being honnest with their MD about their sexual practices. And that is a problem in many places (I’m lucky: my clinic is amazing and specialized in sexual and women’s health, sex workers go there, drug addicts and HIV + people too, they are absolutely non-jugmental and open-minded). If you get tested regularly (once a year should be the minimum for any sexually active person) and more if needed and practice safe sex, the numbers don’t count.
Mind you, I think it’d be important to at least remember the name and contact info of all your partners since your last check up, just in case. Once you get tested and are in the clear, then you can forget about them if you wish too.
But seriously, have sex with as many consenting people as you want, just practice safe sex!
I hope she’s a stand out on dwts this year. And I stopped counting after 3 digits lol. Who cares?