If you want a book about the pressure of being a modern woman in modern times, I would suggest reading Gone Girl. A lot of people thought The Girl on the Train was a suitable heir to Gone Girl, although I was not one of those people. It was interesting to read a story told (partially) from the point of a view of unreliable narrator, an alcoholic who blacked out on so many key points of her life. The fact that kind of character is so rare in literature and film says something about modern women, for sure. But I wouldn’t say that the book said as much as Gone Girl. Anyway, as Emily Blunt promotes the film, she was asked about her character (obviously), the alcoholic who struggled with fertility. Blunt ended up talking about the huge pressures society puts on mothers:
“I think there is a huge societal pressure on women when it comes to motherhood, this sort of mummy cult that goes on. And I think it sort of makes women feel that they have to be a bit defensive about the choices that they make, whether they want to be a mother, whether they don’t, whether they want to breastfeed, whether they don’t. I could go on and on. In the domestic world, I think it’s when women can be a bit cruel about each other, more so than any other environment. And I think this film really captures that.”
The mummy cult is real, so she’s right on that count. You get a group of judgy moms together and just say the words “Breastfeeding. C-section. Drug-free birth. Eating donuts while pregnant. Attachment parenting.” And there will be a frenzy. Everybody has opinions about all of it and every mom thinks she’s got the answer. Still, I don’t actually think that the book or the movie is really about that? Blunt’s character isn’t being judged because she’s not a mother, really. She’s being judged because she’s a fall-down, black-out alcoholic.
Photos courtesy of Joe/WENN, WENN and Fame/Flynet.
In the book, her former husband verbally abuses her to some degree about not being able to keep pregnant- I think she had a few miscarriages- and then his new wife has a baby fairly quickly, so there’s an element of that there, if not in the movie.
Yes, in the book her ex-husband new wife totally sees her as an unfit person for not being a mom or not being able to keep the marriage.
I think she has failed IVF which her husband wasn’t keen on, but then sees him being delighted to become a father with the new woman.
I think it’s definitely an undercurrent of the book; infertility is a devastating thing for women and it’s certainly a part of the reason for the main character’s alcoholism; she feels inadequate and as though there’s something ‘wrong’ with her or lacking in her life.
So disappointed she worked on her face again. I hope its just photoshop
What do you think she has had done?
I think she’s stunning. She looks the same as always to me. I don’t see supposed work. Just don’t see it. She’s always been gorgeous. IMO
I respect what Blunt is saying here and I don’t think this is a perfect book. BUT—the specific kind of pressure that this book is talking about is about the PAIN AND HUMILATION of infertility and the way that women who cannot have children (but WANT them) are treated like they are broken/less of a woman/their value is questioned. Blunt has 2 children and it appears that she had them fairly “easily”—as “easy” as pregnancy ever gets.
The book is absolutely about a woman who sinks into alcohol and DEPRESSION because she has several miscarriages and is infertile and she feels like less of a woman. Infertility is the root of the story and I will be so letdown if the movie glosses over that.
The pain and pressure of women who want children but CANNOT have them is a very specific, intense kind of pain that, frankly, if you have not experienced you do NOT UNDERSTAND. And it’s this silent issue in our culture that no one talks about but is a very real, terrible pain. I appreciate what Blunt is saying here but I really wish that just for once the conversation here could not be about how “hard people are on women/mothers etc” because frankly…those of you with Kids already get to have those convos all the freaking time. Facebook is loaded with articles every day talking about this. Women who struggle with infertility have a different journey that never gets talked about and THAT is the cruelty and pain that this book is about in it’s very imperfect, crappy way.
Her nose. Google. Look at this new picture compared to The Devil Wears Prada.
Agreed Kathleen. I read this book when I was pregnant after trying for 19 months and hearing the phrase “unexplained infertility” about a million times. And then I miscarried. So this book REALLY hit home for me with the very specific type of depression that reproductive issues bring as well as challenges to your marriage and not being able to relate to so many other people. It did not help that I also read “What Alice Forgot” during that same time and there’s a character in there who also deals with infertility and struggles to connect with her sister who does not have the same issues. I’m pregnant again after I almost lost an ovary due to a giant endometrial cyst that was apparently noticed during the ultrasounds at my miscarriage but that the OBGYN failed to tell me about. After that gross negligence I found a surgeon, got the endometriosis taken care of and switched doctors! This go round I am very superstitiously avoiding books with any miscarriage story.
I wish you the best, paleokifaru.
I agree completely about avoiding certain topics- this is a time to treat yourself kindly.
I’m big on avoiding negative people when pregnant as well- my stepmother loved to tell me horror stories when I was pregnant, and I had to tell her that it wasn’t welcome.
Gah. Some people.
Oh god, paleo that’s awful! My SIL had a very rough time after her miscarriage, both emotionally and physically dealing with the aftermath. Good luck on your recovery and moving forward.
I respect what you’re saying and agree that you deserve your own space and conversation, but I think it’s worth specifying women who want to *gestate* children but cannot, because adoption can be a whole other nightmare for people who want to raise children without necessarily birthing them.
I sat next to her on the plane on the way over to London a couple of days ago. She was unrecognisable – if I hadn’t seen her boarding pass there’s no way I would have twigged it was her. She looks good, just…different.
I felt more judged for taking a few years off than I did by other parents for my parenting. But infertility can be so difficult, that’s a completely different situation and much more painful than silly sanctimommies.
Yes—it is. I’m not trying to downplay how difficult it is for moms to navigate these “mommy wars.” But infertility is an extremely different and frankly extraordinarily more painful battle. And far too often when we start to talk about this stuff…..women who have children come riding in and take over the conversation. So basically women who struggle to have children/go through YEARS of infertility never actually get to have the conversation to themselves because moms are always hijacking the convo to talk about “mommy wars.” It’s this weird form of discrimination and silencing and it has to stop. You know?
+1 the amount of times I had eyes rolled at me with a condescending “You don’t have kids so you wouldn’t understand….” As if I hadn’t been trying to get pregnant for 3 damn years.
I find both her and Krasinski so annoying. Him more tham her. But I like what she says here.
Once again we have Hollywood casting a thin, beautiful actress for a character that was described over and over again as fat, unkempt and alcoholic. I really liked the story but I’m not real stoked about the movie.
Just out of curiosity, who would you have cast for that role? The entire time I read the book I kept trying to envision who I would cast (as I do with every book I read) and I’m having a hard time finding someone I think could play Rachel!
Ugh the mommy brigade is real and they’re the WORST. I don’t know if its the same girls in high school who put others down to make themselves feel better or what, but I think its disgusting.
I call parents sh@t for brains all the time for negligent self serving behavior- i,e,. my neighbors went to las vegas for the weekend and left their kids home alone age 11 and 10. Yeah they can make microwave pizza and play video games while in their pajamas for days…so I guess I’m the the parent cop. There ya go. I actually take my job as a parent seriously and had a kid on purpose it’s called family planning. Hate on me. Whatever.
And sometimes it’s not even other moms who do it. It’s almost as if it’s a reflex to negatively comment on someone else’s parenting skills (or lack thereof) when something goes wrong. Suddenly there are thousands of Monday Morning Quarterbacks all saying what they would have done differently. With the majority wanting to throw the mom in jail. Jeez.
I like her, but mommy wars is different than infertility. I agree with the above commenter Kathleen. Apples and bananas here. Infertility is an insidious kind of disappointment when you want kids. I had a miscarriage then tried to get pregnant for a bit before I was able to have the children I have and I thought I was broken, not deserving of a child, punished by God, even evil at times. All quite ridiculous thoughts, and I knew that at the time, but I still thought them. I became incredibly depressed. I gained 65 pounds. I was a mess. Seriously affected me hard. If my husband had treated me disdainfully too? I would have lost it possibly. Love, hope, and prayers for anyone struggling with infertility. If you felt even a little like I did, remember to tell yourself all that shit rattling around your brain is NOT TRUE.
“Remember to tell yourself all the shit rattling around your brain is NOT TRUE.”
Seconded. But I’ll also add that YOU AREN’T MAKING IT UP. That is to say that just because the feelings of being broken and undeserving aren’t true (they really aren’t), it doesn’t mean they aren’t still very very real. You aren’t off your rocker because the rush of emotions around infertility feels so potent and painful, and you aren’t pathological because it takes so long for that pain to dissolve (if ever). I think because, as you and Kathleen pointed out above, the conversation about infertility often gets transformed into a conversation about motherhood, the chance for women to speak openly about the trauma of infertility just gets diluted. I hate thinking about the fact that women who experience infertility also experience the double blow of not trusting that they’re entitled to the full array of emotions that accompany it. I hope women who know that pain can keep being vocal and the conversation can continue to grow.
I agree. I also felt like there was a weird lack of conversation about miscarriage. It turned out so many people I knew had miscarried. What really bothered me was when the ones who had miscarried and gone on to have children sort of dismissed my miscarriage as “well you’ll be fine and can still have more children.” It completely ignored my diagnosis of unexplained infertility and my fear that perhaps this was as far as I was ever going to get. There had been no identification of a problem and a way to fix it. It was a gross ignorance of the specific pain you feel when you repeatedly hear the word infertile to describe yourself. Made more painful by the fact that I have a stepson so there was a despair at feeling it was me or that somehow I was less compatible with my husband than his crazy ex who daily makes my life a living hell. And any time I would try to discuss it I would be shut down with some sunshiney optimistic platitude.
I know I’ll never fully understand the pain of infirtility. I do hope this movie doesn’t gloss over that part. I have many friends whom I want to support and understand as they struggle with infertility.
All I can say is, they are strong as hell. I conceived my son in three months. I cried my eyes out the first two months when I wasn’t pregnant. That was just TWO MONTHS so I can’t even begin to imagine when it goes in for years.
I’m trying to conceive again. I am a month in and again felt the huge, down to the soul disappointment when I got my period this month. And again I thought of these women in my life who deal with this on and on. I hope their stories are featured more and more so that all women who are struggling have more compassion and understanding from those around them. (And to be clear, I don’t count myself among them because taking a few months to conceive is normal and no big deal, and I’m sure only reveals a microcosm of the pain of infertility).
Patricia, yes, thank you. I’ve been trying for 8 years. I’ve gone through years of painful and invasive physical therapy, needles and procedures. I’ve gone to countless baby showers and then gone home and cried. You cannot even fathom what this is like yet women like me are silenced constantly by “mommy wars” dominating the conversation and making it all about them. Our pain goes untold and judged in a totally different way. I wish you the best with your children and your future.
I hear you Kathleen. I bowed out of one of them because it was a friend who had a due date within a week of when mine would have been and was being held a couple days after I was told I would likely lose an ovary. I just couldn’t handle the thought of going to one more shower and having people chirp at me “You’re going to be next!” It’s bad enough when people don’t know but when they are aware of your struggles…well, I didn’t think it would be polite to deck someone at a shower. 😉 I don’t think people understand now either my reticence to tell people that I’m pregnant again. After all the doctors and the missed miscarriage and the endometriosis surgery and the years of saying and writing infertility, it’s hard to believe this will stick and hard to allow myself joy in something that I know will devastate me if lost again. And people don’t understand that so it’s difficult to share news. I’ve felt like other people are more excited than I am and wondered if that makes me a terrible person. And when I make cautious statements about it people look at me like I’m nuts. It’s a headspace no one seems to want to understand so they gloss over it.
I don’t fully understand either, but I think it’s because EVERY other “way” is marginalized. If you don’t have children, whether it’s because you can’t or you don’t want to, you’re pushed aside. It’s about being a mother, all the time and forever. If you can’t or don’t want to be, you’re weird and strange and broken. Babies are talked about like some kind of universal truth, and really they’re not.
Women are each others’ worst enemies. I was viscerally angry yesterday at all the Angelina bashing because Mr Perfect Movie Star Brad couldn’t possibly have a dark side. And while excuses were made for why he might break bad (poor thing, he’s got an addiction), Angelina’s past was used AGAINST her and no pity for her alleged addictions 20 years ago.
I’m a bit of an angry feminist, and while 90 percent of the time when I’m angry it’s because some guy is mansplaining or manterrupting me, I’ve noticed more and more there is a large faction of women out there that don’t like other women and are on Team Man no matter what.
@Adele
THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS THIS
Adele, that was the most perfect comment ever. I wish I was articulate enough to write that because it’s how I feel too.
We talk about sexist douchebros and misogynistic jerks, but some of worst sexist/misogynistic offenders that I’ve come across have been women. It’s disheartening.
I haven’t read “The Girl on the Train” so I can’t comment on that aspect of her statement, but I agree completely re: her statements about women judging each other in terms of motherhood/non-motherhood and all that’s involved with either. As someone who did not have kids for a number of reasons and who still feels very conflicted about that choice (I wish things would have been different and I would have had them but it’s probably for the best that I didn’t) I get so tired of feeling left out, women (it’s almost always women unfortunately) making comments/judging, etc. I am in my 40’s now and I hope as time goes on it gets better. I am not a second class person because I didn’t reproduce or become a parent through adoption. I feel like women tend to be judged more harshly if they don’t follow the traditional life script.
Yes, I also get really upset when people think adoption is the obvious solution to an infertility problem. There are SO many reasons a couple may not consider or eventually decide against adoption. And they may have so many issues with the process that they end up quitting. That kind of mindset, thinking that you know EXACTLY what you’d do in an infertile couple’s shoes and your choice is obviously right, drives me bonkers.