Adele covers VF: ‘Actually, I think it’s the bravest thing not to have a child’

adele VF

I feel like I’ve been waiting for this Adele interview for a year. While Adele did a lot of significant press late last year when she released 25, what we’ve been missing is a comprehensive, tell-all interview where she discusses life, love, fashion, money, music, babies and more. This Vanity Fair interview is it. I don’t want to oversell this, but this is the best Adele interview I’ve ever read. I think it’s because after all this time, Adele has proven herself to herself. You know? She’s in a place where she knows exactly who she is and she’s pretty happy. And she’s really, really chatty. You should totally read the full interview here. Some highlights:

Shaved legs: She only recently shaved her legs for the first time in months. When asked if her partner minded her hairy legs, she says: “He has no choice. I’ll have no man telling me to shave my f-ckin’ legs. Shave yours.”

On the “bravery” of having a kid in the middle of a successful career: “Actually, I think it’s the bravest thing not to have a child; all my friends and I felt pressurized into having kids, because that’s what adults do. I love my son more than anything, but on a daily basis, if I have a minute or two, I wish I could do whatever the f–k I wanted, whenever I want. Every single day I feel like that.”

She says she doesn’t think she’ll have another child: “I’m too scared. I had really bad postpartum depression after I had my son, and it frightened me.” Did she take antidepressants? “No, no, no, no. But also, I didn’t talk to anyone about it. I was very reluctant . . . . My boyfriend said I should talk to other women who were pregnant, and I said, ‘F-ck that, I ain’t hanging around with a f–kin’ bunch of mothers.’ Then, without realizing it, I was gravitating towards pregnant women and other women with children, because I found they’re a bit more patient. You’ll be talking to someone, but you’re not really listening, because you’re so f–kin’ tired. My friends who didn’t have kids would get annoyed with me whereas I knew I could just sit there and chat absolute mush with my friends who had children, and we wouldn’t judge each other. One day I said to a friend, ‘I f–kin’ hate this,’ and she just burst into tears and said, ‘I f–kin’ hate this, too.’ And it was done. It lifted.”

Her knowledge of post-partum depression: “My knowledge of postpartum—or post-natal, as we call it in England—is that you don’t want to be with your child; you’re worried you might hurt your child; you’re worried you weren’t doing a good job. But I was obsessed with my child. I felt very inadequate; I felt like I’d made the worst decision of my life . . . . It can come in many different forms. Eventually I just said, I’m going to give myself an afternoon a week, just to do whatever the f–k I want without my baby. A friend of mine said, ‘Really? Don’t you feel bad?’ I said, I do, but not as bad as I’d feel if I didn’t do it.”

On Donald Trump: “We only know Trump from The Apprentice, so we think a reality star is running for president. I just don’t think anybody should be building walls or sh-t like that right now. I think we need to look after each other. Everyone must vote.”

She would be fine if she never toured again: “I’d still like to make records, but I’d be fine if I never heard [the applause] again. I’m on tour simply to see everyone who’s been so supportive. I don’t care about money. I’m British, and we don’t have that . . . thing of having to earn more money all the time. I don’t come from money; it’s not that important a part of my life. Obviously I have nice things, and I live in a nicer area than I grew up in. That was my goal from the age of seven: it was ‘I ain’t living here.’ I didn’t care how I was getting out, I didn’t care where I’d be living, but I knew I wasn’t living there. I love being famous for my songs, but I don’t enjoy being in the public eye. I love to make music, and I love doing shows, and I needed to go back to work—not for money but because something was missing. I wasn’t creating music. But there is such a massive difference between what I do for my work and what I do in my real life. I don’t think anyone should be famous for going to a grocery store or a playground.”

Her life with Simon: “I have no desire to be with anyone in show business, because we all have egos. He’s not threatened by any stage of my life that I’m going for, and that’s an amazing thing. It’s the most serious relationship I’ve ever been in; we’ve got a child together and we live together. After releasing my first album, all the other people I ever was with were so insecure about themselves—they couldn’t handle it at all. When I try to describe this to my friends they don’t always get it, because they go out with people that are our age, but Simon is already who he is, and I’m still becoming who I’m going to be. He’s confident. He’s perfect.”

[From Vanity Fair]

She talks in long monologues and yet it never feels self-indulgent, like how actors can prattle on about their method or whatever. I think that’s because Adele is real, you know? What you see is what you get, and she’s an intelligent, engaging and witty woman… who likes her privacy. Within this interview, there are long, jazzy riffs on motherhood, the power of female friendship, longer explanations for why she thinks her partner Simon is the one, and more. It never feels like she’s reciting some publicist’s talking points. And that’s really nice. Also: I’m sort of surprised that she doesn’t want another baby, but I love what she says about younger women feel pressure to have babies and maybe the braver thing is to not have a kid.

adele2

Photos courtesy of Vanity Fair.

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169 Responses to “Adele covers VF: ‘Actually, I think it’s the bravest thing not to have a child’”

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  1. Brunswickstoval says:

    She’s right in many ways. Women who choose not have children are judged very harshly and often have to explain that decision when it’s no one’s business

    • susanne says:

      I wish she had gotten help. To any woman who has had feelings like this, it does not mean that you are not a good mother or that there is something fundamentally flawed in you.
      Post partum depression is a medical condition.

      • Lindsay says:

        It sounds like she figured out something that worked for her which is great. There is no shame in getting help just as their is no shame in trying less conventional methods. Talk therapy isn’t for everybody. As long as she was safe, not thinking about or fixating on harming herself and her child then she should be free to try out things that appeal to her even if it is treating a medical problem in a non-clinical way. Self care, mindfulness, exercise, leaving the house, socialization are all very effective tools when dealing with a less severe mental illness as long as someone close to you knows what is going on and will intervene when and if they feel things have gotten to far out of hand. Walking and visiting a friend without your baby could help with dealing with moods form hormonal changes and even mild to moderate post partum depression however if it gets severe or becomes post partum psychosis that won’t cut it and you need medical intervention. Just like you shouldn’t be judged for struggling with a mental illness, up to a point you shouldn’t be judged for how you chose to remedy and address it.

    • sherry says:

      I’m not sure when she gave this interview, but I was at her concert here in Nashville a couple of weeks ago — she has the BEST concert – and she’s very chatty. At one point, she was talking about how fast her son is growing and that her womb was starting to yearn to have another baby. She was quick to say she is not currently pregnant, but she’s taking a break when this tour ends and I would not be surprised if she’s pregnant within a year.

      • Nicole says:

        I was there too! Such a fantastic concert. And yes I wouldn’t be surprised if she was pregnant next year either. When she played sweetest devotion you could tell she loves her son. I think she really loves being a mom but doesn’t want to pop out a child just because society says she should.

      • lower-case deb says:

        didn’t she even said that in the interview?
        and even in the same paragraph she begrudges not having me time, but at the same time is okay if she doesn’t get me time anymore because she loves her kids so much.

        but i don’t see it as flipflopping though. some days when my kids are absolute angels, i thought about one more–especially when they play with their cousins and i was having a good day. so much so i actually hid all the birth control things to hurry things up along.

        but there were days that i was so frustrated i was really a wreck. thankfully my husband has been trained well to read the signs. and i’m glas that my sisters and parents are so understanding.

        sometimes i feel like i’ve done a good job being a mom and would fancy myself having more kids (esp empty nest coming soon!)
        other times i was so miserable and was so sorry that my kids and husband had to be saddled with a crazy mom and a basketcase wife.

        maybe this duality exists also in Adele, loving so extremely and hating it so extremely as well.

      • Fire rabbit says:

        I have a feeling what Adele says changes on a whim. Alll the time.

    • Anilehcim says:

      Isn’t that the truth. I have a cousin who judges me and my sister both so harshly for being unmarried/not having children that I don’t even bother associating with her anymore. Just as an example, I compare women like that, ones who base their lives around whatever timeline they create in their own heads (i.e., “I’ll be married by 26, have my first child by 28, etc.”), to Charlotte from Sex and the City. They have a very particular mind set and whatever goes against that is judged. It’s very strange to me because most women who choose not to get married or have kids don’t have a problem with women who do.

    • Jessica says:

      It’s a true story. I can”t have kids, and we have lost friends and are at the bottom of the heap with the in laws as a result. Thank you, Adele!

      • Louie says:

        OMG Jessica that sounds really sad! Sending you a hug… and wishing you tons of strength to cope with all that! And supporting friends..
        I now use to say I’m childfree and not childless, because after all I have a very fulfilling life. Concerning social pressure I’m agreeing fully with Adele !!!
        I know that kind of situation, cause we struggled 4 years having kids (having IVF etc). With her son not reproducing the m-in-law wasn*t amused as well.
        At some point we said it brutally clear to friends/family that we’d have wished to have kids but fate had different plans with us and that they’d be well advised to just accept that (and that they can most likely not imagine what we went through).
        Child-free life can be in fact more free, more fascinating and adventurous. And so many ressources you*re able to spend on your own dreams. But for that you have to plan your life actively and creatively and won’t expect children guiding you through your life. So indeed because it’s still less common I agree fully with Adele it’s the bigger and more adventurous challenge!

    • kimbers says:

      Ive never felt judged bc i don’t care what other women think of me.

      • squee says:

        well done you eh!

      • Joanie says:

        Same, @kimbers. I’ve noticed that some of them get really put out by my obvious contentment with my child-free life. I don’t think it’s got anything to do with kids – I think that women are just socialized to worry constantly about what other people think of them, and if you’re the type that truly gives no f*3&s, it bothers them.

      • Dee Kay says:

        My husband and I have reveled in our childfree life ever since we made the conscious decision at age 40 (42 for him) to never, ever, ever procreate. I think if we cared what anyone thought of our private and persona life, we would be much less happy. But since we don’t care, it’s been phenomenal!!

  2. paolanqar says:

    I have decided not to have children and every day people try to convince me that this is not what i really want and i will regret it one day.
    what i really think is that having children is a selfish act but you don’t see me going to the same people and tell them so.
    pollution, overpolpulation, diseases, pain, no jobs, cost of living and cost of education are just a few things i think of when people tell me i SHOULD have children
    everybody is free to do what they want but those who decide to willingly put another person on this fucked up world, in my opinion just does it for themselves and to feel loved.
    i know many will disagree with me but I, just like people with children, have my own opinion.

    she looks fantastic by the way. one of the most beautiful women i have ever seen. her face is mesmerizing.

    • paolanqar says:

      double post sorry

    • yeahiknow says:

      amen sister. people get defensive because, “babies!”

    • Jennah says:

      Hear hear paolanqar. To each their own. Pressuring anyone to have children is wrong and I feel it smacks too much of making a woman her ovaries (or a man his testicles, though that never seems to happen). There is room for those with kids and those without and I agree that many of the reasons for having children can be less than noble and even selfish.

    • Laura says:

      My husband & I have also decided to not have kids & I’m 100% happy & secure with my/our decision for many of the reasons you stated. Many of the older women in my life don’t understand this decision but I just firmly state over & over again, no babies for us. Thankfully, my mother & mother in law are both very supportive. And if we ever change our minds & decide we really want a kid we will adopt & give love to a life that is already here that doesn’t have a home.

      The comments that make me the maddest are when a woman says that I’ll never know the true love of being a mother. While some part of that is true, I have always been the motherly one of my circle of friends & have so much empathy for all life. I have told my coworker that never bring umbrellas when it’s going to rain. I have taken care of family and friends when they were sick or incapacitated. Don’t tell me I don’t know how to love just because I didn’t have a child. /Rant over. Thanks Celebitchy for giving me a space to vent. & Love Live Adele!!

    • chaser says:

      I agree with you that having children is a selfish act. I’m sorry that you’ve experienced negative comments and pressure. It is not fair and I agree with Adele that not having children is a very brave move in the world we live in today.

    • Jo says:

      Agreed and I’m glad someone finally said it!

    • HK9 says:

      I don’t have children because I had to have a hysterectomy. However, I’m fine with not having children. This is not a popular opinion but most people who prattle on about ‘you don’t know love until you have children’ where so selfish before the blessed event (but didn’t know it) that they think the act of putting someone else before yourself with no agenda is some groundbreaking thing. I learned to do that as a child, and I was raised by wonderful people so I already know how to love thank you. (which is also why my 1 niece, 5 nephews and 5 godchildren always want to come to my house.)

      When I tell people I don’t have kids people tell me I’m not normal, or that’s ‘weird’ or they just stare waiting for me to justify myself. I just let smile silently. One of the greatest joys of my life is seeing friends who wanted children have them and love them. Although parenting is incredibly hard they love what they’re doing and I love supporting them in their choice. I also love my own life and have no regrets.

    • Lise says:

      Preach!!! this is very articulate and well said!
      I have always felt pressured by peers and older people to have children and get married (me and my boyfriend are very happily living together) and now I just tell people I don’t care.
      I like Adele in this interview, my friend went to the Brit school with her and said she was very funny and knew how to have a good drink up and a laugh! My kind of person.

    • Lightpurple says:

      I wanted kids but can’t. Chemo took that from me. There are family members I avoid because they are unbelievably insensitive on this topic. It amazes me how often and how many people, including complete strangers, believe they have the right to talk about my uterus without any care about what pain they may be causing.

      • BearcatLawyer says:

        @lightpurple, same here. Hysterectomy for invasive cervical cancer. I resent having had to develop a thick skin and sturdy teeth to grit in response to all the busybody types who think my health and my body are their business!

        But if there is one thing I am starting to enjoy a bit, it is the unmitigated envy I get from all my friends who are parents when they see me doing whatever I want whenever I want. It does not fully make up for the BS (or the cancer), but it sure helps.

    • lisa says:

      ita, every decision to have a baby or justification of it starts with “i want.” 7.5 billion people is more than we can handle and my genes aren’t special.

      • Godwina says:

        “7.5 billion people is more than we can handle”

        THIS ^^

        “and my genes aren’t special”

        AND THIS ^^^^

    • SilverUnicorn says:

      “I have decided not to have children and every day people try to convince me that this is not what i really want and i will regret it one day.”

      I’ve heard that for a total of 30 years…. I’ve never regretted it and more, with the time passing by I even regretted lit less. I’ve been married 4 years and both of us are ok with not having them; still, people can’t stop themselves and ask ‘are you sure’?
      They never learn.

      I also agree Adele has one of the most beautiful faces ever!

    • bros says:

      I never wanted to have kids and always detested them and everyone else’s kids-never liked babysitting, never felt the biological urge to have one. when I got married, I knew my husband wanted kid(s) and since it was so important to him and he had had such a hard crazy life and I loved him enough that I would do it for him. I had to rip it off like a bandaid and just get pregnant even though there was nothing telling me I wanted to do it and I was certainly not yearning for it or ‘looking forward’ to being a mom. I had a horrible labor and a kid who was allergic to everything I ate in my milk and never slept, literally, for 14 months and was going crazy. of course I loved my child and took good care of him, but the disjuncture with my former life, where I had a super fulfilling job and got to travel the world, was precipitous. I had to seriously curtail travel for almost 18 months while I was breastfeeding and my career definitlely took a back seat/just wasnt the main priority that was taking up brain space. I remember what my old life was like every day, like Adele says. some moms are fine with this, and say ‘I dont remember what life was like without my kids’ or some such, but I totally do and there are times I miss it so much, just belonging to myself.

      However, in the end I am glad I had a kid because I have always tried to say yes to every adventure and experience in life, no matter how dangerous or potentially uncomfortable and it’s worked out well for me. I like amassing experiences. What is interesting about having a kid is the co-evolution that it means for both a parent and a child. Every day he is different, growing, and needs different things from me, so I am coproduced as he becomes a human in real time. It’s fascinating to watch and you are no longer a static, stable person, but an evolving person right alongside your kid because of the developmental changes they are going through. life kinds of expands and is richer, even if way more hard and far more constrained in other areas, like free time, leisure, the strain it puts on marriage, or having any true ‘me’ time. I dont think everyone should have a kid and I still can’t say whether it was the ‘right’ decision to have made, but it was definitely life enhancing and interesting, even while containing daily tortures.

      • squee says:

        What a perfectly balanced comment. I always thought I wanted kids when I was much much older, but had one way younger (25) than I’d previously ever wanted. Unfortunately, it was a pregnancy I didn’t particularly choose with an awful, controlling, violent man I had to escape from, and having a child was such an unbelievable mix of positive impacts on myself and negative impacts on my life and wellbeing. It is a lot more acceptable to discuss the positive it seems! I am so so glad I have my daughter and that was a positive overall in my life, but I completely get where other people are coming from that don’t want kids and it must be an absolutely ball-ache having people ask you and lecture you and question you all the time!

    • me says:

      That’s funny because from what I see it seems like those who have children are the ones that regret it ! They seem miserable and complain about their kids all the time. Why have kids if you’re just going to act like you don’t want them? It’s like they had kids because someone made them have them. I don’t think I’m going to have kids and I’m ok with that. Anyone who isn’t ok with it can go to hell. I don’t think this world is a good place right now and don’t see any reason to bring children into it.

      • Lady D says:

        Either Dear Abby or Ann Landers did a survey; If you could do it over, would you have children?” Over 2/3 of the respondents said no, stats that gobsmacked me. I mentioned it to my senior neighbour and she stared at me then said, “little children, little problems, big children, big problems. She then told me not to have children.

    • Timbuktu says:

      I think deciding to have no kids can be very brave, unselfish (I think a lot of us have kids just because we *should*, because we worry we’d regret it if we didn’t, etc.), and lucid (if people honestly think they aren’t cut out to be parents – how many people clearly aren’t cut out to be parents either, but have kids anyway?).

      • Godwina says:

        This is probably a good time to post a periodic reminder that desire to have kids (or belief in how good or poor a parent one might be, ahead of time) in no way correlates to how good a parent someone is/would be. I know too many people (men and women) who never wanted kids but ended up with them and turned into amazing parents. I know others who dreamed of having kids and turned out to be crappy parents. QED.

    • Nicole says:

      I get pressure to have a child even from my doctor. I have been given 6 months to decide or have a hysterectomy.

    • Fire rabbit says:

      It’s absolutely OK if you don’t want kids. I respect your decision and support you. No need to elaborate to me or anyone else about it. Ever. Now, let’s move on to other things(because other people really don’t care).

      That’s what I’m thinking as I’m on the receiving end of a young woman’s uninvited, and wholly unnecessary, insistence that her personal choices make her brave, make her more special than those Lesser Women who might choose to have children.

      • Kitten says:

        “No need to elaborate to me or anyone else about it. Ever.”

        I’m assuming from your comment that you have kids, because otherwise why would you feel threatened by people sharing their stories on this thread?
        Do you honestly think that the consistent message that society sends child-free people is “You are brave and special?”

        Quite the opposite, actually. People who procreate are the status quo and those of us who make the choice not to are often patronized, criticized, or seen as *less than*. We are told that we will never know what love is and made to feel as though we are selfish people living incomplete lives because of a very personal life decision that we made.

        Personally, I loved reading through this thread full of stories from child-free commenters. Society so often makes me feel like I’m defective because I don’t want to have kids and these comments remind me that there are plenty of people out there who feel like me and that I’m not alone.

      • paolanqar says:

        thank you Kitten.
        you are not alone *hugs

      • Nicole says:

        Thank you so much Kitten. I constantly feel lesser than others by men and women because I did not have kids when I could and now will have to castrate myself. I am sorry, but that’s what it feels like. Thank you for your input, these stories make me feel stronger and not alone.

      • tegteg says:

        Thank you, Kitten! You’ve perfectly summed up everything I would’ve said. It was really nice reading the stories of other women who don’t want children, because often times people look at me like I’m insane when I tell them I don’t. Or I get the “you’ll change your mind!”

        @Fire rabbit: You clearly have kids because you don’t understand the plight of the childless woman. You may say that we should never elaborate or discuss our personal choice to have children, yet society forces women without children to explain their decision/reason for not reproducing. Why is it that people with children ALWAYS think it’s okay to ask me when I’m having kids, how many kids I want, and to tell me that I don’t know my own mind? And now, you tell me that other women who have faced the same disrespect and isolation cannot share their stories in solidarity. Be a little more sensitive. If you don’t want to read the stories of women who have decided not to have children, just keep scrolling. We (childless women) don’t have the option to do that in our daily lives where people think it’s okay to comment, question, and criticize our personal choices.

      • teacakes says:

        @Kitten – thank you. I’m glad to hear from child-free commenters too, because god knows real life drills it into me every day that I’m wrong and weird for not having/not wanting one. It’s just a relief to know, from however far away in the world, that I’m not alone.

      • squee says:

        I have a child yet enjoy reading these anecdotes about people’s different opinions on interesting stuff. I’m not offended, it’s no secret there’s benefits to not having kids!

      • Robin says:

        You’re not on the receiving end of anything. The comment wasn’t directed at you.

        Being child-free is an admirable choice. Having children can be an admirable choice too…but it’s one of the least eco-friendly things you can do.

      • emilybyrd says:

        “Now, let’s move on to other things (because other people really don’t care)”

        Then how come people are always in my face, asking about whether I have kids or assuming that I do or saying that I should? Seems to me, firerabbit, like other people care too much!

    • Lucylooloo says:

      As a parent, sometimes I feel equally annoyed at the assertion I had kids to fulfill some selfish desire (both babies past 40yo). Just like you want things so do I. Doesn’t make me selfish, just makes me different than you. There are lots of reasons people desire to have kids and some feel different about the state of the world.

      I celebrate my friends who have made the decision to not have kids, because coming from the Midwest, it is a very brave thing to do. I applaud them because they know themselves and their priorities enough to say this is not what they want despite outside pressures and norms . Just like they supported me in delaying having children, another midwestern NO-NO, and support me now that I am about to have my second.

      None of us are selfish for pursuing what makes us happiest in life. It’s more than okay to want different things without having to devalue someone else.

      • smcollins says:

        @lucylooloo
        Thanks for saying that, I feel the same way. I was starting to think how clueless I was to my selfishness while I was reading some these comments. I’m very much a “to each his own” type person. Don’t judge me and I won’t judge you. I didn’t have my first kid until I was 38 (almost 39), and just had my second at 41. My husband & I were always of the mind that we didn’t want kids, until one day we realized that we did. And that was our (unselfish) choice to make.
        Now, truth be told, we only wanted to have one so our second was quite the surprise. But that’s life, and we couldn’t be happier.

      • Carol says:

        Thanks, lucylooloo! I feel the same way. I have many friends who have chosen not to have children. I have friends who have children – one child or many children. I have friends who are unable to have children and adopted. I have friends who are unable to have children and chose not to adopt. I happen to have four children. I never thought of our respective decisions as being brave or selfish or anything other than decisions we all made hoping they were the right ones for us. Why we have to be so insecure about our own decisions that we need to judge anyone who makes a different choice saddens me.

      • Godwina says:

        Well said. We all have our dreams and they vary widely.

    • laur says:

      I’m so glad there are other people on here saying what I think about not having children, I thought I was alone! So many people ask me when I’m having kids and I’m like NEVER!! I don’t think it’s brave not to have kids, it’s just my choice. I feel it’s more responsible choice given the over-populated world we live in. The world can do without me adding to it. I don’t judge those who do have kids if that’s their choice, so I don’t get why they judge me. Glad to see some of my fellow celebitches are on the same page as me!

    • Wendy says:

      I as well am not having children.
      The other day at work a person told me that the greatest single thing a person can do to decrease their carbon footprint is not have kids!

      • Jeanine says:

        +10000, when I hear that 2/3rds of wildlife will be extinct by 2020, I think that we are doing right by not having children.

      • Mae says:

        Yeah, the environmental impact is where the ‘selfish’ part of kids comes in. Our personal choices affect the rest of the world, and not thinking about that broader impact is selfish. One (biological) kid per two adults would still shrink the population, so I think that’s fine, in my worldview.

    • Louie says:

      Harshly said having children is at first a narcistic pleasure because I want so see some of my genes, my treats, my looks in another person and living on beyond my death. It adds instantaneously meaning to your own life. (As a childfree you have to add that yourself).
      Nevertheless it turns out to be a really exhausting and sometimes destroying narcistic pleasure, especially for women. Still there are much more women than men who tent to give up themselves for the sake of the kids. (Not only career and money but often also their looks, friendships and their marriage).
      Not having kids is imho not egoistic at all but is in fact better for the planet.
      I won’t shade parents though, I truly appreciate their sacrifices ! (As long as they are not too judgy against childfree persons).
      And of course I like children and I’m a passionate aunt and godmother and love to take the kiddos’ from time to time to relief the exhausted parents a little :)

      • Lexie says:

        I don’t judge any choices a woman makes about her own life, so don’t judge mine. I have a 2-year-old and what I do every day to give her love, guidance, food, safety, etc. feels very much the opposite of “selfish!” We should banish that word from this conversation.

      • Mae says:

        But wanting a kid to love and care for is pretty much inherently selfish. People want a child to fulfill their urge to procreate, after all. Procreation is all about selfishness, from a biological standpoint: you’re propagating your genes. I don’t think being selfish is hugely terrible, anyway; everyone is to some degree. But caring for your kid is just a basic responsibility you have now, not some sort of great act of selflessness. I just don’t like when people frame the raising of their kids as a ‘selfless’ act. That line of reasoning is how childfree people end up being called selfish.

    • Val says:

      Hear hear!
      It’s nobodies business what anyone else decides to do with their ovaries.

  3. Jenns says:

    I don’t think we’re brave. We just want to live our lives without having a bunch of busybody a**holes being judgemental over our choices.

    I will say this though: Most of the people who give me grief about not having kids are old people. I’m now 37 and most of my friends have kids. And while they like being parents, some of them openly admit that their lives would’ve been just fine without children. The idea that a woman is only complete by being a mother is a myth that needs to die.

    • MissMerry says:

      I agree, ‘brave’ isn’t the word I would choose.

      I mean, I guess one is ‘brave’ for doing what feels right, even if that means not doing what everyone else (or even you) though you’d do with your life (have kids).

      But how sad is that? You have to find bravery to not bring another life into this world? that’s insane to me…it’s such a big deal to be a parent and create a new life you’re responsible for raising into a useful part of human society…and to think about what you’re birthing your child into in terms of culture and politics and environment…it’s scary to me.

      I like to think of it like this: no matter which you choose, you WILL miss out on stuff.

      I do not have children and do not have plans on doing so with my husband. We will miss out on everything that our friends who have chosen to have them will experience: school, love, trips, life lessons, our parents will not be grandparents, the relationship you have throughout your life into old age with those children, etc etc.

      But those friends are also going to miss out on what me and my husband have: schedule freedom, longer vacations, free weekends, spending our money on certain things, time, taking care of each other and ourselves first, no resentment towards the children if we’re having a hard time, no pressure from other parents, etc etc

      I think there is the opportunity to balance all of it if that’s really important to the couple having kids, but in general when you have kids or don’t, you fall into a certain lifestyle and you will, without a doubt, miss out on things either path you choose.

      • Lucylooloo says:

        Perfect comment!

      • Carol says:

        Yes! No matter what there will always be the road not taken.

      • Wilma says:

        I think we should stop imbuing personal choices (and I do wish for everyone here that whether they have or haven’t any children it is a personal choice) like this with moral characteristics. Because when a choice like this, which doesn’t ping at all on the scale of moral choices, becomes something that defines our characters (eg being brave or selfish) people who make a different choice suddenly become benchmarks to your own character and that’s ridiculous. I can perfectly defend my best friend’s choice and she can perfectly defend my choice, because we both know that it doesn’t make a difference to who we are as people. I haven’t become a different person because of having children and she won’t be a different person because she doesn’t have children. It just happened to turn out this way.

    • lower-case deb says:

      i wonder if she felt so pressured at first and then succumbed? only now learning to love it?

      especially if the one who’s pressuring plays a guilt card.

      one of my besties, was like this, but her ending was not as rosy as Adele’s.

      she’s like Adele, an only child of a single mom who worked hard for her child. her mother told her to settle down get married get companionship. “i don’t want you to be alone when i die,” the mom told her.

      she knuckled under and got married to a man whom her mother barely tolerated.

      soon her mother pestered her for grandchildren. first, she just said “it will be nice to see my grandkids before i die.”

      then it snowballed into “you ungrateful brat, i gave up my whole future to give you your life and you can’t even give me one granchild?”

      my bestie offered to adopt a child but her mother wanted a biological grandchild. maybe it’s because of a very Asian upbringing, her mother began talking about sin, and disobedient children, and basically piled so much guilt my bestie snapped.

      i really mourn that family, i’m still friends with my bestie husband, and he said: if only i was brave enough to take my wife away from her mother,

      if only my bestie was brave enough to walk away, or to not take it to heart the guilttripping.

      if only she was brave enough not to let her mother rule her life?

      “if only” and “brave” are the words he uses often. so, i wonder now whether that was what Adele meant by brave–especially when the pressure was relentless and personal and hits all your buttons?

      • Mae says:

        That really sucks, deb. The pressuring for a grandchild is awful, kids don’t owe their parents for raising them. It’s a bizarre line of reasoning. Everyone gets to live their own life, and not be a puppet jerked around by parents, friends, or whichever busybody feels entitled to someone else’s life. I have a relative who likes to play puppet-master and I just ignore everything they say, because their advice is about them, not me.

      • Val says:

        Wow that is awful. I can’t imagine how horrible that must have been for your friend.
        And that mother is terrible. (Sorry not sorry)

      • G says:

        One of my friends is in a similar position now. Her mother has been pressuring her for grandchildren since she was about 15. It’s led to some pretty nasty relationships as a result. No kids for her yet, but it’s probably a matter of time.
        And she wonders why I am not fond of her mother. Such a selfish thing to do to your child.

    • als says:

      I don’t think Adele is saying people that chose not to have kids are brave, only that SHE considers them brave, probably compared to her own mindset. She had a kid before turning 25 at the peak of her career. She was probably not a full adult yet.

      She curses a lot and creates the image that she’s very down to earth and secure but I don’t buy it. And she has a great voice but she was a child, still is.

  4. Escondista says:

    I have hit my 9th month of pregnancy with my firsts child and the same people that encouraged me to do it are the people now telling me to say goodbye to money, sleep, and happiness. I suspect these same people will be pestering me about when I will have a second child.

    • MissMerry says:

      It’s almost like we don’t know what to say to each other, so these sort of things come out.

      For example: my friend has 2 kids under 2, he and his wife seem really happy, the kids are great, they have a home and some money and live a good life…but every chance he gets he talks about ‘getting away from the kids’ and ‘omg a night without kids count me in!”

      like it’s SO BAD HE HAS TO ESCAPE…he doesn’t really dislike his family or spending time with them, but he’s seem that sort of ‘dad attitude’ on TV or something and now just mimics it…its weird.

      • GemslieKnope says:

        As a parent of three year old twin boys I can definitely say your friend is not weird for wanting to have time off from his kids! It’s hard work and very intense as well as massively rewarding so if I get the chance of a night off I’m grabbing that opportunity with both hands! I was always ambivalent about having kids but my husband really wanted children and a few years ago I was having a bad time at work and was at a bit of a crossroads in life so in my naivety I thought “I might as well have a baby and have a year off work to evaluate my career/life”. 10 weeks later I’m rushed onto hospital with a suspected miscarriage to find out I’m carrying twins. Then I developed perinatal OCD and nearly died in childbirth. It was TOUGH. I regularly thought I’d made a huge mistake but we all came out the other side and we’re now a happy little family. People ask me when I’m having more kids, and it astounds me that people ask me considering how hard ita been. I just tell people to mind their own business.

      • bros says:

        totally normal. I went back to work early because it was easier than watching my own kid. I definitely crave a night off with friends and sometimes it is so bad you just want to walk away. but I always miss the kid when I get home and can’t wait til morning to see him. it’s a trade off.

    • Dani says:

      You’ll only be saying goodbye to sleep briefly. I have a 3 year old, and while they are expensive, and I’m pregnant with my second, every moment of every day with her is worth every single penny I’ve ever spent. Just her smile, her innocence, her carefree attitude and messy curly hair bring me the most happiness I’ve ever experienced. Happiness and love that I didn’t even think I was capable or deserving of. Don’t let the naysayers get you down. Have an easy birth and enjoy every second!!

    • Hummos says:

      Those people, usually mums, are so bloody annoying!!! I got married young, in my early 20′s. We waited a decade before trying and it all came easily. But the amount of pressure I faced in my 20′s was insane. And then immediately when I fell pregnant it was ‘say bye to sleeping and going out’ like WHAT?!

      Personally though I feel bad for those mums because they’re often the ones who had babies because ‘it’s just what you do’. I didn’t need a child to feel complete but selfishly I wanted one anyway. I know the difference at least. I’m very happy but would have been equally happy without. We need to stop pressuring young women to make the same fertility choices we make! Motherhood isn’t the only thing life has to offer in spite of what social media might say

      • Erinn says:

        I’ve been with my husband since 9th grade. We got married at 24. The pressure is INSANE. Especially from his family. Most of them had kids very young, and they’re just completely baffled that I’m not rushing to pop one out.

        Do I want kids? Probably. Maybe 1. Maybe 2. I don’t know. I’m 26 and they’re just half horrified that I haven’t gotten pregnant yet.

        Someone I don’t know more than by name (she knows some of my husbands family pretty well) actually looked at us during a funeral for my husbands grandmother and said “Well when are you guys having kids?” This was honest to god before the grandmother had even been buried. I couldn’t believe how crass of a question that was – especially in that circumstance. Even better – she didn’t actually ask me, she asked my husband and shot me a dirty look. This woman is incredibly unintelligent, incredibly rude, and suuuuper evangelical religious. She has done nothing in her life other than pop out kids. So I can only imagine how pathetic she thought I was for not having given my husband a child yet at the ripe ol’ age of 25.

  5. Brandy says:

    There have only been two times in my life that I felt that weird, biological need to have children – when I was 17, and when I was 35. The biological clock was CLANGING when I was graduating high school. I remember being certain I’d have 7 kids by the time I was 30. I went to college, got caught up in life, and I never felt it again until 18 years later, and I was dating no one special. I was wrapping a Christmas gift for my nephew, and I remember feeling it in my body like an alien force. It was sudden and scary, and I was like “I need to have a baby.” And it went away in 60 seconds, and I haven’t felt it since. I feel so much empathy for women that are wracked by that feeling constantly – that really long for children and have them or don’t or can’t – I do feel empathy for them. But, I am so grateful that I didn’t surrender to it, have a baby too young or with someone in my 30s that wasn’t right. I don’t regret it. I enjoy children, but I will never know how to hold a baby, and I will never ever feel comfortable doing so. It’s just not in my biology, after all.

    • Val says:

      I have a friend who has had that feeling for years! (She’s turning 29 now) I remember her telling me about it, and it was something completely alien to me. I was baffled. I’ve never felt like I wanted or needed children.
      Since then I have only felt it when I was with my ex-boyfriend, and I wanted to… procreate with him. I did. In my gut. I admit it (shamefacedly).
      Now I’m back to not really wanting kids. So I know for me, I have to want it WITH someone, not in a vacuum.

      • Nibbi says:

        Val i don’t have to admit it “shamefacedly.” i do think being in love or somehow deeply attached to someone can do some kind of thing to your brain or your hormones or your gut (i felt that too) to want to have a baby with them. it’s, like, Nature or something. it’s ok. and it’s cool that it went away when the relationship did. mine did too !

  6. Marie says:

    I was in my early 30′s when I got pregnant. Never thought I’d have a child, always said it and always got the same response of “you’ll change your mind”, “you’re only saying that because you haven’t tried it yet” or my most hated which is “who’s gonna take care of you when you’re old”. Now I have a 3 month old daughter and what I hear now is “when are you gonna have your second one? You’re not getting any younger”. Seriously. It’s really a “damn if you do, damn if you don’t” situation.

  7. Chrissy says:

    OT, I know, but she looks fantastic in these photos.

  8. CornyBlue says:

    I am 22 years old and people are already worrying me so much about having kids. It is honestly something I do not want .. like biological children are something I am not even willing to consider at all even if i might want adopted children. I know it is only something that is going to get more annoying and more persistent as days go on. However I do think mothers are very very brave too.. childbirth even in this day and age needs enormous courage and strength.

    • G says:

      Also 22, and also getting those same comments. Which is ridiculous because…we’re in our early 20′s. It’s not like we don’t have other things to consider at this age.

    • M says:

      Do you live in a small town or look older than your age? Because that is absurd to get questioned about at 22.

      • CornyBlue says:

        Nah I do look my age probably a but younger. I live in a metropolis lol.

      • Locke Lamora says:

        Well, I’m 23 from a small town and look older than my age, yet here, people think you’re weird if you have a kid before you’re at least 27.

      • Val says:

        Yeah but Locke Croatia is not like some rural, religious parts of North America (and some European countries).

    • lucy2 says:

      Wow that’s young to be getting pressured already!
      It’s no one’s choice but your own, as hard as it is you have to ignore everyone else and do what’s best for you.

    • Erinn says:

      My sympathies. It doesn’t really lay off either. If someone in your family gets pregnant, it’ll be a brief distraction for them before it turns around to “oh, well, what about you? When are you having kids?”.

      It’s disgusting, honestly. My SIL had her baby at 21. I’m 4 years older, so I got a lot of annoying comments with that one.

      Honestly, if they think it’s cool for them to be so rude to you, don’t worry too much about niceties when responding. They clearly don’t have respect for your plans, so don’t get too worried when it comes to shutting them down.

      • CornyBlue says:

        Awh yes I know. It is not so much as they want me to have kids now as in like they think i will be having a kid before 30 maximum. But I just dont want that, I also dont want to marry and my family dont know what to make of me.

  9. M says:

    How sad that in 2016 women still feel pressured to have kids that they don’t really want. The happiest, most content people that I know are childless (myself included).

  10. BengalCat2000 says:

    I love everything she said. I’ve always known I didn’t want children, especially after my brother was born. But having children, in my opinion, is so much harder. I can’t imagine the responsibility of keeping another person alive. I feel like the stigma of being childless is lifting.

  11. Realitycheck says:

    We’re not having children either. This world is too overpopulated. We need to celebrate the people who choose not to have kids!

  12. chaser says:

    Just putting it out there but my PPD presented in very subtle ways. I loved my child and didn’t need time apart (I already had that) but I just felt tired all the time and could not be motivated no matter how much I tried. My anxiety was heightened, so i just thought I was more anxious due to having a kid. Getting help, seeing my GP, seeing a counselor and then going on ADs has been the BEST thing I have ever done. I’m 2 months into ‘help’ and I feel like I am the mother and the person I always wanted to be.

    Sorry to hijack this story. I just wanted to send out a PSA to any mums out there that might be struggling. Please speak to someone. PPD presents in so many different ways.

    • Fallon says:

      Mine presented in horrific anxiety. Like wrapping my arms around myself and rocking on the couch and crying as it got dark outside, feeling like I was in an absolutely bottomless pit of terror. Didn’t get help for awhile because all the checklists say PPD means you want to hurt your child and I never did.

      Getting help was the best thing I ever did. And it was an internet chat board that prompted me to call my doctor. Good things do come out of the internet!

      • Mltpsych says:

        Me too, horrible anxiety that my baby would die if I went to sleep and panic attacks. I knew it was irrational but no matter what I did it wouldn’t stop until I got medication. Doctors only ever talked to me about post partum depression but there is also PP Anxiety and PP psychosis. Luckily for me I’m a therapist so I knew there was a problem that needed medical intervention.

    • gidget says:

      Thank you for this. I miscarried a year ago and THIS EXACTLY is how I have felt since then. I gave myself a year, told myself I must just be grieving, but I have finally set up an appointment with my doctor to discuss PPD. So you’ve touched at least one person by sharing your story.

  13. Lucy says:

    There’s this thing about her which makes her seem ethereal and larger than life, while at the same time so real and relatable…she truly is one of a kind, I just don’t think she’s aware of it (not that she’s insecure or anything, not at all). Fantastic interview.

  14. mazzie says:

    It’s the “who will take care of you when you’re old?” argument that gets me. That’s a terrible reason to have kids, I think. Plus, having children doesn’t guarantee they’ll take care of you when you’re old.

    I love kids (yesterday, all the toddlers in their halloween costumes were SO ADORABLE. One was dressed as a bat with little webbed feet, eee!) but I don’t want one.

    • Carolyn says:

      I had a co-worker ask me the same question once when I told her i didn’t want to have children, “Who will take care of you when you get old?” Who says that it’s an automatic that a child will take care of you when you get old. I had to leave my primary care doctor because she was lecturing about how now that I am in my 40s it’s time to focus on having children. I never felt so angry or insulted in my life.

      • me says:

        Exactly. Most children do NOT take care of their aging parents. Also, no one should ever pressure someone into having kids. It is something innate. Either you want kids or you don’t. People need to respect that.

      • Val says:

        What an awful reason to have a child! You don’t create children in order for them to serve you ffs.

    • Locke Lamora says:

      You know, I always thought that was a stupid argument, but recently I kinda changeed my mind a little. My grandma is old and sick and the entire family takes care of her. When I look at her friend who hasn’t got kids and is in a nursing home, the difference is very noticable. You just can’t get the same love and support from strangers.
      But then again, the family unit is very strog here, extended family included and I would say 90% of people take care of their parents.

      • me says:

        If 90% of people take care of their parents, why are nursing homes so full? The majority of adults do not take care of aging parents. Also, there is no guarantee you will have loving children who stay close to you (geographically and otherwise). I know plenty of families that are not tight at all. I guess you take a gamble and hope for the best. I think it would hurt much more to have kids and still end up alone than to not have them at all.

      • Locke Lamora says:

        I said here, as in my country, not the US. Nursing homes are still viewed as the last option, and the country is so small that most people do stay geographically close.

      • teacakes says:

        @Locke Lamora – my mother cared for both her parents in my grandad’s final years (grandma is still around) , family being primary caregivers of older people is pretty much a given where I am too. But I’d rather chance old age on my own than hedge my bets on children to be future caregivers.

        And like @me says, there are no guarantees that children will take care of you. My mother does all the work to care for her parents, but my aunt, her younger sister? She wouldn’t stir her arse for anything.

      • me says:

        @ Locke Lamora

        Oh OK good point…I didn’t know what country you were from. I know places like China and India have very few nursing homes and they are the two most populated countries in the world. Culture and country of residence do play a factor.

    • CornyBlue says:

      Put in money for a very good retirement home and have a amazing medical plan that lets you afford the best doctors. That is what I will be doing once I start my job next year. If you mean emotionally there will always be your friends and having kids does not necessarily mean that they will be there for you as emotional support.

  15. KasySwee says:

    I work in education. If you need reasons to be childless, ask me. Children are lovely, any and every child. But being a parent in our society is hell. We live in a world that creates a fantasy around having children without taking into account the nightmare parenting today is. Not everyone can. It is a reasonable, compassionate choice if you are among those who can’t. That said, screw Adele. I have never liked her and I loath her using her fame to say something like this. I am thinking of my disabled, poor and LBGTQ friends over the years here, people whose life situations denied them choices everyone else takes for granted. There are people who genuinely want to have kids and can’t for reasons due to health or society, it’s devastating and dealing with that heartbreak takes bravery. Not being rich and famous and saying you can’t be bothered. **** you.

    • Lucy says:

      Wow, you were doing great and then went completely off the rails. You don’t like her? Fine, but who are you to say what she can or cannot talk about? Does being rich and famous automatically mean she cannot possibly be affected by things like post-partum depression? And how it is her fault that other people can’t have children?

    • INeedANap says:

      Talk me out of having children please. My bf has been hinting at it but I think he has a rosy “dad view” of parenting where I would be doing most of the caretaking, and I don’t want that.

      • QQ says:

        LOL my bfs try that on me ( I’m FIRMLY since I was 13 Camp NO!) I’m real good for informing potentials/lovers/bfs out the gate that I’ve never been and wont be in the market for kids and when they hit the rosy View Schpiel I handily advise them of the kind of CoParenting standard I’d hold them to (AKA not the “Guys babysits his own kids” and forewarn of the misery of not having time to sleep/play games/ do their own thing/ travel/ save money and hello! My Tokophobic ass would probably have to be sedated the entire pregnancy cause Is not something id take over Joyfully and so on and so forth ( I get as graphic as possible with my gfs and sister experiences too) and My My My how quickly that always turns to: Hmmm so just Us acting like glorified teens with money forever?.. I’m IN!

      • teacakes says:

        @INeedANap – just tell your boyfriend about the costs of educating them (and I don’t mean just college, I mean also the money bled out on finding a house in a ‘good school district’ or a fancy school depending on where you live…… and you’ll be living with that till they’re 18.

        Having kids is great, if you can afford it. I can’t, what little money I save would never cover a ‘good school district’ house or even eventual university. I’d rather just travel.

      • Val says:

        I am virtually high-fiving you QQ.

      • G says:

        Maybe try making it clear to him that if it happens, he’s going to have to give up as much as you? Tell him he might have to cut hours at work or make career sacrifices and that you’re not going to consider it if he won’t agree and follow through on it?
        I read an article a while ago where women talked about this very issue. If I still had the link I would link it to you.

  16. Giddy says:

    My sister-in-law and her husband decided not to have children. They wanted to be able to travel, build their dream house,etc and they did all that. She is also the best aunt in the world to her many nieces and nephews. She remembers every birthday, travels to every graduation, and is absolutely treasured. Now that her parents are gone, she is considered the matriarch of the family. She is the glue that holds everyone together. Recently my husband lamented that she had not had children. I told him that he must not be listening to his sister, because she has the life she wanted, and it’s perfect for her.

  17. Narak says:

    I don’t have kids, most of my friends don’t have kids and we are over 50 so it’s not like we are suddenly going to change our minds on it. Conversation often abruptly ends when people with kids find out you don’t have any. Like I’m part of a different gang.
    I absolutely do not regret my choice, and I’m happy for people who have kids. Make the right choice for yourself.

  18. Narak says:

    I don’t have kids, most of my friends don’t have kids and we are over 50 so it’s not like we are suddenly going to change our minds on it. Conversation often abruptly ends when people with kids find out you don’t have any. Like I’m part of a different gang.
    I absolutely do not regret my choice, and I’m happy for people who have kids. Make the right choice for yourself.

  19. HeyThere! says:

    Unpopular opinion here today: I think having my baby is actually selfless! I am giving up so much, yet gaining things that will make me never once question my decision to be a mother. My world begins and ends with my family. My husband and I take raising our baby very seriously. I want to give the world my greatest creation of a human who cares, respects, listens, and will hopefully be a very predictive member of society!! But maybe I’m in the minority on this but I have longed to be a mother since childhood. I had an amazing childhood and am recreating those experiences and loving environment for my son. I for one do not disagree or judge anyone up thread or otherwise who don’t want children. Imagine all the free time and fabulous shoes I would have?! Haha Honestly, had I not meet my life partner whom I love and respect more than I ever dreamed, I might not have been so confident in my decision to create a family. My husband while not perfect is an amazing human in general and I think if our baby is like him, he will create some good in this otherwise dark world we seem to live in at times.

    Like someone up thread stated: with either decision you will miss out on something. The beautiful thing is nobody is wrong or right. Before my child, had him at 30, I can’t tell you have many strangers stopped me and randomly inquired about my womb and when it would be hosting a guest! I was floored. What if I had just experienced a miscarriage?? What if I couldn’t have children?? Or what if I didn’t want children?? I always thought about those things wanting to chew out the stranger asking about my womb. To this day, I don’t ask anyone about having babies. Everyone else will but I will never do that to someone!

    • jc126 says:

      I’m very happy for you that your dream of motherhood came true, and I’m happy for your little one too. We should have more parents who are so devoted. But you did WANT that child; as you said; it’s not 100% unselfish or it wouldn’t involve wanting. (Good) parents do a lot of selfless acts, but it’s difficult to think of a reason to have a kid that doesn’t start with “I want”.

      • HeyThere! says:

        Welllllll, you could say the ‘I want’ for anything. LOL I don’t think this is a very good argument.

        ‘I want world peace.’
        ‘I want my grandma to be cancer free.’
        ‘I want a better job so I can give more to charity.’
        ‘I want to be happy.’

      • jc126 says:

        I’m not arguing that it’s bad to want kids, or want anything, it’s just that it’s not a totally selfless act (nor should it be), it’s something you WANT. Which is awesome, and I love to read how much you adore your child. Every kid should have a mom like that.

  20. Angie says:

    To each their own. I chose to have kids, and while I don’t regret it and definitely feel they’ve made me and my life better, I have moments where I wish I could just be by myself. I find the irony in the majority of these comments humorous though – posters venting about being judged for their lack of children then prattle on about the selfishness of those who choose to. Get over yourselves – hopefully all your free time is being spent earning money for retirement so you don’t have to depend on my kids social security dollars.

    • mazzie says:

      Ooh, mean. Feeling smug and judged about having kids, are you? I can’t speak for the U.S. but most of us do actually put money away so we can retire comfortably.

    • me says:

      People who don’t have kids pay taxes too ! I pay taxes for my district schools yet have no kids that attend them !

      • Kitten says:

        IKR
        Um, seriously? I’ve been paying into SS for 18 years now.

        Let’s hope the OP’s kids are getting a better education than she did in the public school system that my child-free ass’s taxes are paying for.

      • Val says:

        Let’s hope that with that attitude they get out asap

    • Aila says:

      I love how clearly you state you have no clue what it’s like to be socially shamed for not having children in a self-congratulatory manner and then you proceed to do the exact same thing to posters on this site.

      I also love how you state your children have made your life better. That sounds pretty selfish to me.

    • Nic919 says:

      People who don’t have kids pay for schools that they will never use. If the true cost of schooling was added up then parents would be in the hole to those who never partake of those services. Nice try though.

    • tegteg says:

      Do we live in the same state? If so, tell your kids they can mail me a check for that public education I’m paying for. I definitely won’t be needing their SS money.

  21. Abby_J says:

    I have two (usually) lovely children and I adore them. I’ve always wanted to have kids.

    That said, I am perfectly happy for people who don’t want kids not to feel pressured into having them. I don’t know if either choice is really ‘brave,’ but you make the choice that is best for you, and you shouldn’t get any hate for that choice.

    I loved her comments about shaving her legs.

  22. HeyThere! says:

    Also, mothers on this thread aren’t calling names, so please with all the respect in the world….don’t tell me I’m selfish and horrible for having a baby or wanting a family. Thanks!!

  23. Carebare says:

    That comment is so damn weird to me. Maybe it’s because I live in a big city with tons of young professionals? Literally no one in my immediate circle has kids or is even thinking about it. No one feels the pressure for kids, except from their grandparents maybe? We’re sure as shit not “brave” for it. I’m selfish and pregnancy is gross to me. The end.

  24. Locke Lamora says:

    I hate when rich peopls dismiss the importance of money. She doesn’t need to earn more because she’s filthy rich, not because she grew up without it. And having money is not about having nice things, it’s about security and social standings. This faux humility is annoying.
    Other than that she sounds fine. I seem to be one of the rare people who dont get the hype about Adele.

    • teacakes says:

      I read it more as she thinks she has enough money to get what she wants (nicer house not in the area she grew up in – there’s security and social standing for you!), and beyond that certain level, it’s not important to her. Which is fair enough imo. I wouldn’t know what to do with JK Rowling levels of money either.

    • Mltpsych says:

      I don’t get the Adele hype either. Her music all sounds the same, it’s depressing.

  25. lucy2 says:

    She looks gorgeous in those photos, such a beautiful woman.
    I applaud her for speaking honestly about her PPD, it’s definitely something that needs to be discussed more, so more mothers feel like they can talk to someone about it.

  26. TyrantDestroyed says:

    I don’t want to have children because I had to struggle financially and emotionally during my early years and it took me so long to reach to a point where I can feel comfortable with my life that I want to keep it the way it is.
    After, you have the honest parents as Adele, who tell you that is wonderful to have a kid but its so wonderful not to have kids too that makes you consider many things.
    My husband and my mother are fine with the childless life we have but recently the problem are my in-laws, they are so pushy and constantly asking when we will have a kid, especially that we bought a big house and they feel we need to fill it.
    I just wished they stopped to constantly ask for a grandchild, I don’t want to change my mind because of their pressure so I am happy that Adele for addressed this during an interview.

    • Snowflake says:

      I feel the same way you do. I grew up poor, always struggled, now that occasionally I have some money, it’s so wonderful.

    • emilybyrd says:

      I wish in-laws who pressure you to have kids were required to commit to donating a specific amount of their time (for baby-sitting and shuttling kids back and forth for their activities) and money for X number of years to the raising of the grandkids they want so desperately. I think that would get a large number of them to lay off.

  27. dana says:

    I could be wrong, but I think this issue is more prevalent in the UK than the US. At least in my experience but she’s right in that women shouldn’t be pressured either way. Adele has a great presence of mind and very down to earth. Easy to like.

    • Wilma says:

      It’s completely foreign to me and I live in The Netherlands. I didn’t make the choice to have children until I was 37 and in the years leading up to that I could really have gone either way and often was thinking I wouldn’t have children, but nobody bothered me about this. I never have never heard of someone saying things to someone else about what they should do with their uterus. It’s just not something you do here I guess. Mind you, the mommy brigade is strong over here, but they’re usually too busy with eachother to annoy the rest of the world.

      • Snowflake says:

        Oh, count your blessings. It’s a big thing, here in the US. My mom is really wonderful and hasn’t said too much. But other people just ask like it’s so crazy, not having kids.

  28. MandyPurr says:

    I agree with her that it’s brave to not have children. I also am a woman in my 30s and I’ve never been inclined to reproduce. I think that having a family is something that gives a woman purpose and as someone that doesn’t want that I have to find another way to feel like I’m contributing to the world in some way. In that way, I almost feel it’s a burden to not have them. Mothering is something that comes natural to many woman, even myself with my loved ones, and to give up something that is so ingrained in me biologically is kind of scary. I worry that one day I will regret my decision but ultimately the thought of bringing a child into this world horrifies me.

  29. QueenB says:

    i really thought she was giving a great feminist statement but at the end of the article she says: “all of my relationships are more important to me than any tour I’ll ever do. If my relationship with Simon or my relationship with Angelo started to flounder a bit now, I would pull out of my tour. ”

    and that ruins it. what a wrong message to put out there for young women.

    • Margred says:

      Why does that ruin it, why is it a bad message to young women?

    • jc126 says:

      Family is more important than work for those who have families. And that doesn’t necessarily mean children – people have to step back from work at times for parents/grandparents/siblings/spouses, etc. This is the reality of life for many people.
      It would be even easier to do as a wealthy musician on tour than it is for us working regular folks.

    • Nibbi says:

      totally disagree with you. there are more ways to be a feminist than just being career-focused. i think she’s totally feminist- because she can and does choose what she wants to do and prioritize. it’s her CHOICE and she makes it so.

  30. Katherine says:

    I feel very pressured to have a child, I am so thankful she said this

  31. ashley says:

    At times she can bug me, but it’s really awesome to see women sharing stories of their dealings with mental health obstacles (especially post-natal/partum) – I admire her for being so open and making other women feel like they’re not alone in the process.

  32. Manna says:

    “Personally, I loved reading through this thread full of stories from child-free commenters. Society so often makes me feel like I’m defective because I don’t want to have kids and these comments remind me that there are plenty of people out there who feel like me and that I’m not alone”.
    Thank you, Kitten! – MY FEELINGS EXCACTLY. Hugs from Denmark.

  33. I Choose Me says:

    I’ve always gone back and forth about wanting children. I never really felt the need to procreate and was kind of meh, if it happens. Then the choice was taken away from me and when I quickly made peace with that fact I realised that having kids just wasn’t for me. My husband never wanted a child either despite pressure from his friends and family to do so. Yep, men get pressured too though not nearly as much as women.

    I’ve got four nephews and two nieces and enjoy being the best aunt in the world.

    On a separate note, I agree with everyone who says that Adele’s face is captivating. Seriously, she’s one of the most beautiful women in the world to me.

  34. Guesto says:

    Reading that interview, I’m a little nostalgic for the days when I really liked Adele and found her and her music really interesting.

    Those days are long gone.

  35. Amanda DG says:

    I love Adele, but that’s a dumb comment. I am not “brave” for not wanting kids. It’s just a life choice and it’s quite common now. I’ve never felt less-than or “brave” because of this choice.

  36. Bliss51 says:

    I don’t have children and at 65 have no regrets about that. Is anyone out there in the Celebitchy community old enough to remember the advice columnist Ann Landers? I think in the ’70s she asked her readers if they had to do it over again would they have children? The question wasn’t posed to women but to readers in general. The majority of the responses were negative. Huh.

  37. PoliteTeaSipper says:

    As someone who has been treated as less than at every single family function because I refuse to have kids I don’t want and can’t afford, I am thrilled that she said this.

    • jc126 says:

      I’m sorry you’ve been treated like that. Don’t let them treat you as the default babysitter, either, unless you enjoy babysitting of course.

  38. Bliss51 says:

    Here are my observations as a lifelong singleton and childless woman. I come from a generation and culture where women didn’t, certainly not openly, question having children. I also live in a part of the country that has a high rate of poverty and child abuse. About a couple of months ago my state had a horrible case of child abuse that made headlines around the world. I’ll leave out the details as they’re stomach turning but let me recount things I’ve heard and watched from past years. An episode of Oprah where a woman spoke about her children who she loved dearly and yet, motherhood wasn’t all that great and fulfilling. Women in the audience were horrified. The idea that any woman would admit, hey, motherhood isn’t all that. A woman who once told me had she over to do it again, she would have never had children. Another telling me of a time when she wanted to leave both her husband and her children. And finally a much younger woman than me saying how pregnancy messes up your body. How sad she was about that. I think its a huge sin for women to declare their desire to not have children, or being ambivalent about motherhood.

  39. Noelani says:

    People are going to judge regardless. My fiance and I have a blended family. I have a 6 year old and he has a 10 year old and a 3 year old. We are CONSTANTLY getting harassed over not having children TOGETHER. Like 3 kids is not enough!!! Neither of us want any more. The last time my mother asked when we were going to have a baby together I asked her when she was going to have a baby. Not happening.

  40. noname says:

    I, too, have chose not to have children. I was married for 7 years and neither of us wanted them, and now as a single 33 year old, I don’t want them still. People also tell me I’ll change my mind or that I would make a good mother and it would be a shame not to have them. Of course there’s also the exclamation, “But who’ll take care of you when you’re OLD?!”…but nursing homes are filled with people whose children never visit and if that’s my only reason to have children, then who’s the selfish one here? I agree with other posters that I feel it’s the most responsible choice in terms of sustainability of the environment, but if I had this insatiable urge to procreate, I’m sure I’d do it anyway, but I don’t. If I had these incredible genes that I thought would better the planet in someway, it may be selfish to not procreate, but alas, that isn’t so. I’m very average and I don’t need to raise a mini me to feel complete.

  41. Nibbi says:

    man, this interview made me love adele even more, and i didn t think that was possible. she’s so real and badass to say some of this stuff , like, out loud. child-free here & happy about it. i don’t judge those that do have kids because it’s very normal and natural but i pity the fool who tries to guilt or shame or threaten me into conforming to societal expectations, because those societal expectations are outmoded & unsustainable. also, dammit, i just don’t want kids and make a far better friendly auntie to friends’ kids. also, freedom kicks ass.

  42. Madison Digby says:

    I am 34 and recently broke up with my partner of 10 years. I want children but am certain that I do not want to choose to be a single mother. I admire single parents out there but know myself well enough to think I need the emotional support that comes with a partnership… I appreciate this conversation and am not sure where I fit. I want children but may have to make peace with it not happening.

  43. Shannon says:

    I don’t see the big deal. I have two kids, 12 years apart – neither were planned, but I was happy to have them and sure, they enrich my life. But I never really had set plans to become a mother. I have childless friends and family, and sometimes I’m jealous of them. Sometimes they’re jealous of me. *shrug* life happens, I don’t think either having kids or not having them is particularly noteworthy in terms of how courageous one is. I wish the entire world would get over judging other women one way or the other. I do break my own rule, though, when I side-eye people who have lots and lots of kids they clearly don’t want and can’t care for :/

  44. Bambilee23 says:

    This gives me life! Especially, “I’ll have no man telling me to shave my f-ckin’ legs. Shave yours.” Sing it! ❤️

  45. Atpeace says:

    Wow, some of the comments on here are shocking. I think you either are a selfish person or you aren’t. The decision to have children doesn’t define you that way. Yes, some people aren’t fit to have children but some people also sort their sh*t out when they find out they’re pregnant and become good and happy parents. Do NOT tell me I’m selfish because I’ve decided to bring a child into this world. I would also never call anybody selfish because they decided not to have children. I lived what some people on here would call a life of freedom and adventure until I was 35 and when I had my son it was like being hit over the head in the best possible way. Now I experience a different adventure, seeing every little detail of life through innocent and interested eyes and I see wonder in things that I never even noticed before. If I’d had him at 25 I would still love him but I would feel like I’ve missed out on the ‘carefree’ stage. So for me it was about the right time in my life. I believe every human being has a need to be there for others, a selfless gene. Whether you satisfy that by having children or pets or a partner or a community is by the by. I don’t understand why we’re constantly telling others they’re not making the right life choices. It hurts me when people on here call me selfish for being a mother. It also hurt me when people called me selfish for not being a mother after I turned 30. Why is that word even used in relation to this?

  46. Crumpet says:

    God she sounds callous. Absolutely, no one should be judged for their child decisions, but I have never felt less brave in my entire life after having my daughter, because my life is no longer my own. I have to put her well being before mine in every decision – it just comes with the territory. I find having a pre-teen f’ckin’ terrifying actually. Everything I have to try and teach her, everything I have to try and protect her from.

    But maybe I’m just a chicken.