Generally speaking, I like and enjoy Victoria Beckham. I think in the last four years especially, she’s softened a lot and seemed to loosen up a bit. She even smiles in public now, and occasionally wears shoes which don’t have a three-inch heel or higher. Her fashion line is going well, and she has stores around the world. Her family life seems better than ever, with an adoring husband, three growing sons and a much beloved daughter. So who is Posh at 42? As it turns out, she learned a lot in her years. She sat down and wrote an open letter to her younger self for British Vogue’s February issue, and I found it mostly charming. Even the “that’s crazy” moments are couched in Posh’s explanation that she is fundamentally insecure about herself. You can read the full piece here. Some highlights:
On beauty, plastic surgery & diets: “Your complexion will sort itself out (in fact you will launch your own make-up brand); as soon as the Eighties are over, your perm will die down, and your weight will settle itself. At school you eat Super Noodles and boxes of Frosties because they say they are fat free, and you will endure many other silly fad diets (including an addiction to green juices). Instead, learn to embrace your imperfections – that is what I want to tell you. Let your skin breathe; wear less make-up. (And don’t ever let that make-up artist shave your eyebrows! The effects last forever.) You will always be addicted to Elnett hairspray but you will tone it down. Less of the “Hello! I just got stuck in a wind tunnel”, please. And I should probably say, don’t mess with your boobs. All those years I denied it – stupid. A sign of insecurity. Just celebrate what you’ve got.
Fashion lessons: “You are going to have so much fun with your clothes – PVC catsuits; chokers that say absurd things; weird spiky blonde hair. It will never occur to you that you appear ridiculous. You will turn up at awards ceremonies resembling a drag queen. But I look back at you and smile. It will add interest to your life to go from one extreme to another. I love the fact that you will feel free to express yourself. Fashion will take on added stature one day, but try not to be stifled by it. You will learn, as you mature, to swap heels for Stan Smith trainers, minidresses for crisp white shirts. And you will never be one of those people who just roll out of bed. Wear sunglasses a lot. Even inside. Especially at airports. They turn a nothing-outfit into something quite pulled together and cool.
On boyfriends and lasting love: “Learn more about football, especially the offside rule. And yes, love at first sight does exist. It will happen to you in the Manchester United players’ lounge – although you will get a little drunk, so exact details are hazy. While the other football players stand at the bar drinking with their mates, you will see David standing aside with his family. (He’s not even in the first team at this stage – you are the famous one.) And he has such a cute smile. You, too, are close to your family, and you will think how similar he feels to you. He’s going to ask for your number. (He still has the London-to-Manchester plane ticket on which you wrote it.) I’m afraid that most of your first dates will be in car parks, which is not as seedy as it sounds. It is because your manager, Simon Fuller, will warn you, “Don’t let anyone see you out together or you’ll get hounded.” At the time, you won’t understand why.
On marriage: Have patience. Bite your tongue. Be supportive. And preserve a bit of mystique. Never let yourself go completely (at least brush your hair, clean your teeth, have a bit of a brow going on because you will always want him to look at you and feel attracted). Always make time for each other. Because if you don’t, everything will revolve around the children and I’m not sure how sexy that is! And do not forget the person you fell in love with. You will follow your man around the world, moving from Manchester to Spain, and then America. In Spain you will revel in watching him enjoy some of his best footballing days. Spain is also where you will lay the foundations for your own fashion brand by collaborating with others on denim and sunglasses.
The hard times: “But I need to warn you: a lot of your time there will be really hard. I’m not afraid to say now what a horribly difficult time it was. People will say awful things. You will be a laughing stock. Every time you turn on the television or look at a newspaper it will seem as though someone is having a go at you and your family. You will learn how mean other women can be. (And it will teach you always to support the women around you, to take them on a journey with you.) Others would crack under the pressure, but you won’t. Use that time to close off, to focus, work hard and protect the children. In relationships people will throw obstacles in your way, and you either manoeuvre around them or you trip up. You will never discuss with David how many children you both want; you don’t say to each other, “Where shall we live?” You don’t discuss any of that because you will be young and in love. Even when you don’t necessarily want the same thing, your support for each other will mean that you will stick together and grow up together. And it will be worth it.
“And preserve a bit of mystique. Never let yourself go completely…” Yeah, no. I mean, I get it. She confesses her insecurity pretty openly, and I understand that she always wants David to think that she’s beautiful and sexy. But here’s the thing: I bet if she asked him, he would tell her (honestly) that he likes the way she looks straight out of shower or whatever. It’s like Gwen Stefani saying that she liked to wear a face full of makeup at all times for Gavin Rossdale – how can you be married to a man for so many years and never let down your guard? And I’m sorry, “You will never discuss with David how many children you both want; you don’t say to each other, ‘Where shall we live?’” Er, really?
As for the breast implant thing – we knew she once had them and we knew she had them taken out. I always thought she probably got smaller ones put in, but maybe she just had them taken out and now she’s all-natural?
Victoria Beckham pens a letter to her 18 year-old self: https://t.co/bkILn7QxD9 pic.twitter.com/jS5I9WXbmk
— VOGUE.CO.UK (@BritishVogue) January 10, 2017
Photos courtesy of Lachlan Bailey/British Vogue.
First, I hate the “don’t let yourself go” argument, not because I’m advocating for women (or men) to gain a 100 lbs and stop combing their hair, but because it’s so freaking superficial, absolutely puts the onus of a “bad marriage” solely on a women’s appearance and totally ignores what marriage — a lifelong commitment to another human being — is really supposed to be about.
It’s supposed to be peaks, and valleys, and so much more than physical attraction and looks. Otherwise, why would people remain married for 50 or 60 years? I mean, my 86-year-old Parkinson’s-suffering mother-in-law certainly doesn’t look the same as when her husband married her, maybe he should cut the thoughtless wench loose?
Marriage is about so much more than romantic love. I mean, I’m certainly advocating for a healthy active sex and continued attraction, but there is NO ONE (zero, zip) for whom their partner is eternally perfect 24/7. Because, umm, people aren’t perfect? Aging is real and even Posh will discover that a plastic surgeon can’t eternally turn back the hands of time.
Marriage is loving someone even when they’ve got the stomach flu and just puked on the bed you’re sleeping in. Marriage is cleaning up after someone who is too old, ill or sick to make it to the bathroom. It’s loving someone through Alzheimers or dementia or cancer or just a really crappy day where they have bad gas. Loving someone even if they’ve happened to gain 20 lbs, or say something phenomenally stupid that makes you want to (metaphorically) smack them upside the head.
I’m far more focused in my marriage on letting small stuff go that grates or annoys, because the big picture is that old or young, sick or healthy, fat or thin, my husband is more than a body I admired … And I sure as heck hope he feels the same way!
Edited to Add: I don’t have a huge problem with what Victoria said here, as I think it’s mostly sweet, but her body issues are just so obvious and apparent that her talking sooo much about attraction and looks is just, kind of, well, sad and telling.
That’s right. I also think it’s a reason why the divorce rate is so high. People just think it should always be sunshine, kittens and rainbows, and it’s not. Not even 10% of the time is that.
The romance, the connection, for me and my husband comes from shared looks, where we read each others minds. Especially about our children, we share looks and smile, like to say “look what e did, how lucky are we”. But then I have to pick up the used dental floss he dropped on the floor, missing the garbage pail, and it’s ok. Because it’s love, plain, boring laundry love.
Love this comment!
Agree with every word, so well put.
Yes.
That is exactly what I was about to say–just from reading the headline, I immediately thought “this sounds like she’s advocating to not let your husband see you without any make up on”.
Although the flip side is not trying at all–but there should be a happy medium.
Eeek, S – I agree with everything you’ve said but I interpreted V’s comments to mean try to put in the effort where and when you can. I mean, I love makeup and feeling like I’m looking my best, I do it more for me than my hubs, but I do want to try to look my best for him too… even if that means it’s only once or twice a week. He’s seen me without it plenty of times. Obviously, V has serious self-image/acceptance issues, and I feel for her in a way….but I think maybe it just came out a little sideways?
Some of her insecurity might also stem from being in the fashion industry. In her line of work, she’s probably required to look good all the time.
S, that made me very emotional to read, because it is so true. I love spending every day, especially the none mystique normal days with my man, to be a part of his life. I appreciate the special stuff as well, but what I really love is just being.
I am sure you are under 35 but life will teach you that men are pigs and think with their weiner. Letter to my young self dont ever get married and waste your youth on a dirt bag
Also, “Close you eyes, plug your ears and vow to forget you ever heard the name Rebecca Loos”
This.
sheesh maybe get over it? maybe they worked out those or that issue rather in private?
Hmmm. When you give other people marriage advice with a thinly veiled ‘letter to yourself’ – you sort of invite people to remember that your perfect marriage is anything but. I am glad the worked out their issues – if indeed they did – but rewriting history to benefit your own narrative is a bit rich.
Lol. Couldn’t have said it better.
You beat me to it. I was gonna write “And when the Rebecca Loos of this world (let’s face it, she was for from the only one) publicly humilate you, hang in there and go for the band aid baby”.
I must admit they defied my predictions though. I don’t believe for a second that he had an epiphany about fidelity, just learnt discretion.
“Spain is also”… the place where he cheats on you with his PA.
I agree with her about preserving a little mystique and not letting yourself go.
I think you are taking it to the extreme of thinking she means be like Stefani and wear 10lbs of makeup daily.
But both men & women in my personal circle have let themselves go after marriage or children.
That’s not an excuse.
I have heard this so many times from people who have been married a long time and have kids – they say its important to have some time as a couple and do couple things.
As for not letting yourself go – for me its a matter of my own personal esteem. If i look good then I feel good about myself and that feeling makes me more confident to deal with whatever life throws at me. I once dated a guy who was friends with this couple that had let themselves go after being married for a long time with tween age kids – i hated going out with them as he would ogle me and she would glare daggers at me. I don’t dress provocatively nor am I thin (curvy) but I do make an effort to be stylish and well groomed.
Yeah! That is how I interpreted her words
My parents have been married for over 25 years and they still date each other and find out new things about each other.
Them maintaining themselves be it physically or emotionally isn’t because they are superficial it’s because as my mom told me, they inspire each other to want to be their best everyday be it mental growth, apperance or having fun together.
It doesn’t mean such couples like my parents or you and your guy you dated are superficial.
Preserve a bit of mystique….
Me- “guess which sweatpants I’m going to wear tonight….”
Husband- “……”
Me, leans over and whispers- “that’s right big boy, the ones that are pilling….”
Sade turns on*this is no ordinary love, no ordinary love*
Yeah, mystique in a relationship, I support that.
I close the door when I poop. That counts right?
Lol. It sure does.
I totally took this as code for always pooping with the door closed.
I try to close the door when I poop too, I really do, but one of the kids always come barreling through after about two seconds because apparently that’s what you do when you’re two or six or even eleven and there’s a closed door between you and mommy… If I lock the door World War 3 miraculously breaks out on the other side in less than 2 seconds. So there goes that “mystique”.
Love. This! 😂😂😂
hahaha I needed a good laugh today after reading the details about ACA repeal.
David cheated on her before they got married – while he may have either stopped or tightened his sh!t down, he was a serial cheater. Victoria has always had issues with self esteem and has been open about them.
While David maybe a nice guy and a good father, he has not always been a good husband.
weren’t they both very young back then though?
It makes me wonder how that plays in to her ‘keep yourself fresh for your man’ approach. If your partner is stepping our you frequently assume its because you aren’t hot enough.
Except that’s exactly wrong, and most people cheat ‘down’ in attractiveness. Since, it doesn’t matter how tight you keep it, if your partner wants new and fresh.
If your partner gets their jollies from new people wanting them, or needs to be desired by many people (Batfleck), it’s going to be a long hard haul and infidelity is likely. Doesn’t matter how many nose hairs you secretly pluck, or how many pieces of cake you say no to, if your partner has their desire/lust/ego only by new conquests, its not going to work out.
well said Detritus
Isn’t he a cheating dog? I don’t really know.
aww, i love this. i don’t agree with everything she says, but it doesn’t matter. i always loved victoria tbh, because she never smiled and i could relate as a sulky kid.
i wonder if gwen stefani still wears make up at all times with her new bf whatsisname, it’s not like it did much good with gavin…
I’m pretty sure Gwenyth said that Gavin preferred her wearing makeup, which…red flag for me.
Yeah I remember that too, KB, and it sounded awful in my opinion. I felt sorry for Gwen when I read that she said that.
So… she hasn’t grown up much has she? Still 18.
It’s all about looks, being sexy and pretending you can be a designer without training or studies. Oh to have money.
@S so true. That’s why I love the film The Lobster where the characters had to find something in common otherwise the couple wasn’t deemed compatible. Our current notion of love and companionship is based on profile checks and teen assessions of beauty and desirability.
Are there any designers here? I honestly don’t understand what “design” means when you are a celebrity. How do they “design” clothes? Clothes design to me seems about knowing how to make close to fit the body. I’m not even entirely convinced that serious designers, let alone mass market ones, know it, let alone celebrities who would know more about dieting to fit into a dress than about adjusting a dress to fit a less-than-ideal body.
Same with perfumes (I doubt any celebrities passed organic chemistry), glasses, etc.
Well I guess my marriage is doomed because there was never any “mystique”! I have Crohn’s disease so I never got to be one of those women who don’t poop or fart around their SO :/
I feel a bit sorry for people who fear letting themselves go because at the end of the day, if we live long enough, we’re all going to be old and decrepit (and maybe even overweight!) But hopefully, we’ll be with people who still love us regardless.
I just came back from hospital where my mum is poorly but safe.
She looks like hell.
The loving look my dad had just for her was like an antidote for this kind of horses%$t (I mean Victoria’s not you @JulP).
I hope your mom is doing ok! And it sounds like your parents have a wonderful, loving marriage. I hope my husband and I have that as well when we’re older
That is so sweet – I hope ur mum is ok – ur dad sounds awesome.
Thanks @weegiewarrior and @JulP. Hugs back!
Isn’t she talking to herself? Sounds like she’s giving advice to herself or telling herself how she will wind up perceiving herself and what she does rather than telling other women not to let themselves go. At least that was the impression I got from reading the excerpt.
I don’t get their marriage (what, with the cheating and all) but it does sound like she’s talking about she believes she has evolved rather than telling other people how to live (though I’ll admit I can’t believe she wouldn’t tell her husband how many children she wanted. They’re lucky they accidentally agreed without discussing the matter).
She sounds both secure and insecure to me. If you can admit you’re insecure to the public, I think in some ways that means you’re probably more secure with yourself than other people. And she is right. There are times she’s been laughed at and that would make me insecure. Under that scrutiny, I don’t think it’s possible to be fully secure…unless you’re kind of weird like Donald Trump. I think I prefer Posh’s insecurity — at least there’s self-awareness there.
I thought the letter was cute and perfectly honest. I don’t get all the snark. What works for her, works for her.
I hope Mr Sixer wasn’t expecting any mystique when he married me. Because if he was, he must be sorely disappointed.
I love her!
Here is how I took her “mystique” comment: Right after we got married, I was reading an interview with Antonio Banderas and he made a comment about Melanie and how married life was different since he had “conquered her.” I read it out loud, looked at my husband in horror, and asked if he thought he had now conquered me. He chuckled, smiled, and said “You, my dear, will never be conquered.” All these years later we can still surprise each other with some new layer. “Mystique” has so little to to do with anything physical, IMO.
That’s beautiful!
Victoria however, doesn’t strike me as a woman of many layers.
1 boob job??! No, at least three.
Me last night: ‘Huh, hey, my vagina just farted.’
Him trying not to laugh: ‘NTK sweetie.’
Me: ‘What’s that mean?’
Him: ‘Need to Know.’
Me. Grinning. ‘Welp, I needed you to know.’
Him: Smiling broadly as he walks off. ‘Weirdo.’
You do you Victoria. I’ll do me.
ahahahaha, this sounds familiar too.
Although, queef or toot, if it’s even slightly plausibly deniable, I will look innocent and ask where the duck is though. See, I too, have mystique!
Love it. Love her. Love them. Cheers!
It’s very well known in London that their marriage is in name only and for career reasons. Mark Frith saw her hit him after Loos.
Ooh!
I liked this part. “He’s going to ask for your number. (He still has the London-to-Manchester plane ticket on which you wrote it.)”
My fiancee keeps the scrap of paper I wrote my # on in his wallet. On the back he wrote “Erica – my future wife”.
Posh & I – we’re like twins.
Awwww. Love that.
I find it interesting that Victoria and Gwen, both advocates for the “not letting yourself go”, famously have/had husbands who cheat a lot.
I don’t blame them…just saying, nothing stops someone from straying.
WHY do people keep seeing “women are so mean to each other! Support women!” I’ve been around nearly half a century and I’ve never noticed women being particuarly mean to each other. Some people are assholes, some aren’t. Support good people, regardless of their gender or race!
the dont let yourself go this is real…. and I stand behind it…. dont be too literally and take that to mean a full face of make up every damn day…. it just means when and if you’re able to dont become frumpalicious lol….and everyone who doesnt understand what she’s trying to say —– but will call Jennifer Garner frumpy and grandma-y to no avail.
the part i tok issue with is bite my tongue….. I WILL NEVER BITE MY TONGUE FOR ANYONE except my mom and grandma for sure (and family to a certain extent)….but a partner i’m not biting my tongue for ISH…lol
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