Most people have horrible date stories. The difference between my horrible date stories and Martha Stewart’s is that people want to hear hers. Fortunately, Martha is always happy to throw someone under the bus so she’s spilling the beans on some poor sap who stiffed her. Martha, who said she doesn’t “have that much time for casual dating,” still manages to get out there occasionally. She doesn’t really care if they can cook or set a proper table, she just asks herself, “how much time do I want to spend with that particular person? How interesting is that person to me?” I imagine the list of people who seem interesting to Martha is pretty slim. But if you do make it on to the list, I suggest you stick around for a decent length of time and for God’s sake, don’t pull a runner on the bill.
Martha Stewart is a busy woman. She’s published over 80 cookbooks, launched a meal kit company, hosts a cooking show and so much more—so you can imagine her hectic schedule might affect her love life.
She’s not however, immune to some dating horror stories.
“I went to the lounge area at Le Bernardin with this guy,” Stewart says of the worst date she’s been on. “He had to go somewhere afterward, and I had to go somewhere after. It wasn’t a first date, but it was like a second or third date. We each had places to go; he did not ask me to go with him to the second place. We had cocktails and a little caviar or something. Then he just got up and said he had to run, and he ran out and didn’t pay! And I thought that was extremely rude.”
Her “guilty pleasure” foods are equally as shocking. “It’s a spoon of really good organic peanut butter, or a slice of American cheese from my housekeeper’s drawer,” she says. “I steal American slices sometimes—in the plastic, it’s so horrible. But it’s such a good snack.”
But, wait, there’s more. “I eat pickled herring as a late-night snack before I go to bed because it’s savory and good,” she admits. “I like liverwurst, and I know how bad it is now. I love squeezing it out of the tube and just eating calves’ liverwurst.”
I haven’t been on a date in 15 years so I honestly don’t know how it works today. How does a couple decide who pays? Do you discuss it ahead of time? When I was dating, I roughly adhered to the Whoever Asked rule but I also made sure I had enough cash to offer to pay half, at least. I assume that Martha dates men from her social circle so I would guess this guy could pay for himself. But racing off and not even asking if she’s covering the check? That is rude. I do love, however, how fancy their second date sounds, “let’s meet at Le Benardin for some caviar before our other appointments, just for a quick catch-up!” My friends and I do stuff like that. Except, instead of Le Bernadin, it’s the laundromat and instead of caviar, it’s the half-eaten Snickers we fish out of our kid’s jeans pocket. And there’s no appointment after, that’s literally the highlight of our social calendars.
But let’s talk about Martha Stewart chowing down on plastic wrapped cheese and squeezing liverwurst from a tube, because that’s a visual I want to keep. I swear stealing them from her housekeeper is part of the pleasure. I bet she hides under a hand crafted organic alpacas’ wool lap blanket to eat it too. In addition to the fare above, Martha admitted to a soft spot for hot dogs because they didn’t have money growing up and the local hot dog shop was the most they could swing. Instead of saying, ‘look how far I’ve come,’ she talks about treasuring those memories and how hot dogs make her think of her mother. Of course, it’s Martha Stewart so her story ends with a hot dog named after her at Pinks in Los Angeles. Where I don’t think you will find hot dogs and tube-liverwurst? In her meal kits that’s she’s producing in partnership with Marley Spoon. She said the reason she joined the meal kit craze is for sustainability because $43 billion gets wasted in supermarkets every year. Then, as she’ll take any opportunity to poke the Orange Bear in office, she added, “we can give that money to President Trump.” Nah, even if you did, Martha, he’d probably still stiff you in Le Bernadin.
Photo credit: WENN Photos