When I was a kid, growing up in the South, it was socially acceptable to physically punish children. Many Southern parents grew up with “whoopings” or spankings or some kind of physical punishment, and they did the same to their kids. Nowadays, it absolutely feels like Parents Who Spank are an oddity, like their methods are arcane and abusive. Anyway, Kelly Clarkson said this week that she’s “not above” spanking her kids. I would assume she’s just talking about her daughter, who is 3 years old, and not referencing her baby son.
Kelly Clarkson isn’t opposed to a spanking.
“I’m not above a spanking, which people aren’t necessarily into,” she told a Rochester-based radio station last week. “And I don’t mean like hitting her hard, I just mean a spanking. My parents spanked me and I did fine in life and I feel fine about it,” she explained. While she, personally, sees nothing wrong with a little spank, she’s aware that it’s a belief not shared by everyone.
“So that’s a tricky thing when you’re out in public, ’cause then people are like, you know, they think that’s wrong or something, but I find nothing wrong with a spanking,” she said, before adding, “I warn her. I’m like, ‘Hi, I’m gonna spank you on your bottom if you don’t stop right now. Like, this is ridiculous.’”
The pop star, 35, made clear that her southern upbringing informs her belief about spanking as a form of discipline.
“I’m from the South, y’all, so we get spankings,” she said. “My mom would call the principal if I ever ended up in the principal’s office and give permission for her to spank me…I’m a well-rounded individual with a lot of character, so I think it’s fine.”
Clarkson shares daughter River Rose, 3, and son Remington Alexander, 1, with husband Brandon Blackstock. But the “American Idol” winner is done having kids, as she revealed that she got her tubes tied and Blackstock had a vasectomy following Remington’s birth.
Nothing Kelly says reads as some kind of confessional that she’s an abusive parent. Again, that’s how I see it, and I’m speaking as a childfree woman who chuckles to myself whenever I see a child acting melodramatic in public. There are a million ways to effectively discipline your kids that don’t involve any kind of physical punishment, and it’s clear that Kelly is using “spanking” as a threat and some kind of warning system when River is misbehaving. However studies show that while physical punishment may work in the short term, it can cause children to be more aggressive overall and to eventually spank their own children. Hopefully Kelly’s methods aren’t that severe.
Photos courtesy of Pacific Coast News.
I feel like most parents still spank or flat-out hit, celebs just want to look good so they don’t. I’m shocked Clarkson said this publicly.
What? I have known many fellow parents and I don’t know anyone who hits/spanks as a routine form of discipline. I know anything can happen behind closed doors but I’m skeptical that “most parents” hit their kids.
No one I know hits their kids.
Most parents don’t. Most parents I know spend so much time figuring out how to be angry and frustrated with their kids and handle it WITHOUT hitting them because it was the last thing we wanted to do.
I have never spanked or hit my kids. I would rather cut off my arm than strike them. Not in a million years would I do that.
My parents didn’t spank us either.
Everyone I know believes spanking is the only way to keep kids in line. I screamed at my sister and mom when I heard them, from an entirely different floor of the house, hitting my tiny nephew. They never spanked kids in front of me again, and legitimately changed their approach to parenting after that. They still threatened violence, even death on morr than one occasion, but slowly managed to deal with their anger and are completely different people around kids now. I spanked very briefly until I realized how horrible, wrong, and backward it was (years before the aforementioned event) and broke down mid-swat. I don’t hit adults, or animals, because that legally constitutes abuse – but hitting your kids is some kind of right??? Wtf?
Dear Kelly:
Please keep your parenting advice to yourself!
My mommy broke 13 brooms beating me with them. When you go home tonight, throw a cushion on the couch and hit it hard enough with a broom to break the broom. Just try. I’ve also had about 10 concussions from her picking me up by the hair and throwing me backwards against a wall. A couple of them kept me out for a whole weekend. Then I would wake up in a soiled bed and get beat again because I had wet the bed. I have a 7-year gap from ages 5-12 where I can only remember my house and the fact that we got a little black puppy. It was bad. I have never hit a human being in my life nor would I allow it.
I still partly feel violent or think I could be just from fear of more pain. As far as I’m concerned, I’ve filled my quota for this lifetime. If I’m ever attacked, I’m very much afraid that I would badly hurt someone, just to stop them from hurting me more. I would make very sure they couldn’t hurt me any more. It would probably end badly for both of us.
I wonder also who hides it…
@LadyD
I took up boxing recently. It really helped.
Because I was a random danger to people, as a teenager (and older) I was unavoidably part of all the brawls in the neighbourhood and at school.
After almost 20 years of being beaten up I had become a fury.
I mean, my son is too old for spanking (14), but I know parents who do. I just don’t see it actually working or being effective.
And, a lot of times, I’ve seen parents spank their kid over something that definitely didn’t need a spanking over. So many other ways to discipline come on.
There are a million ways to discipline and hitting is illegal in some states. My kiddo is respectful and well behaved. I’ve never hit my child- it would feel antithetical to love- plus I’m his role model. Violence is just a low form of humanity- I’m not teaching violence –no thanks.
@LadyD, I was beaten too, it’s embarrassing to admit, I don’t talk about it much, because it’s kind of seen as a socioeconomic issue where I live amongst the super liberal trust funders. People would assume I’m dangerous, so I avoid stigma. Most people raised in the 70s were hit or spanked, so that much I can discuss. However, I’ve NEVER hit my child, though this behavior was modeled. I took child development classes, martial arts and still take yoga every day. I’m relearning patterns so they don’t repeat generationally. It takes work- everyday is a decision to love myself and others.
Spanking is physically and emotionally harmful. Some also think it has aspects of sexual abuse because the bottom has so many nerve endings, and is right there next to the sex organs. Spanking is physical force, a humiliating corporal punishment, and teaches fear, not respect. It is a violent act on the part of parents who haven’t learned any other way to manage. Somehow children can be raised and disciplined without its use.
Just because it’s more prevalent in the South doesn’t make it right. Slavery was also more prevalent in the South.
Saying, “I was spanked and I’m okay” is usually a self-justifying remark.
I like her, but I am sorry to hear her say this. It’s ignorant and wrong. I’m totally judging.
Perfect comment.
You are correct. I am a child psychologist and spanking is never okay. Do you hit anyone else in life to punish or to guide?
No.
Parents who spank need to educate themselves on better discipline methods.
Agreed. Perfect comment!!!!
I’m childfree, but I don’t redirect even my cats behaviour with physical force. And my cats are awesomely behaved, for cats.
“Do you hit anyone else in life to punish or to guide? ”
This!
Exactly!!!!
Not to mention that kids eventually develop some sort of resistance or immunity to spanking, losing its intended effect. It’s only a very temporary solution, and not even a very good or effective one.
And think about the long term effects on society at large. It teaches children, many who will grow up to be leaders of government and industry, that hurting someone into compliance is a valid tactic over discussion and negotiation. The implications of our personal decisions are huge.
I hesitate to get into the long term effects of it because I know many people were spanked as kids and I don’t want to offend them, but there are a number of studies that show how damaging it can be in many areas of one’s life from IQ to interpersonal relationships to the propensity for violence. Not everyone is affected the same way of course, but it can be incredibly damaging to a child.
All that being said, I don’t have children, so while I hope parents are aware of the potential consequences, I can’t judge them for what they choose to do because I have no idea what it’s like to raise a kid.
I was spanked and I don’t think it harmed me. However, when we know better, we do better. All the studies say other forms of discipline are more effective than spanking. So why do it? I don’t spank my kids.
I’ve also been reading that yelling can also be very bad for your kids so I’m trying stop that too but MAN that is a hard one to stop doing.
Fair warning: I’m happily childless, but from my observation of relatives, hitting doesn’t produce better behavior, it just builds up resentment and sneakiness. Now, a light pop on the bottom to get a child’s attention during a tantrum isn’t the worst thing, but what really works are: 1. Time out, 2. Removal of favored toys/playtime with friends, and 3. Restrictions on social media/internet time—and tie that loss directly to the behavior and articulate what behavior you do expect and why. Kids are all id and ego and understand quid pro quo very well. Learning self-control isn’t easy, but young children can do it.
With my four year old we have tried everything. Spanking, because we were both spanked so you think “hey it worked on me” (which we stopped a long time ago because it didn’t feel right and it didn’t help), time outs (ha! Those are a joke to him), taking toys away including his kindle and he literally doesn’t care about any of it. Once he gets something in his mind there is no getting it out. He has zero motivation and it’s the most frustrating infuriating thing I’ve ever experienced. He is constantly testing us to see if we will follow through and we ALWAYS do and after two and a half years of having the same fights and doing the same thing we’re exhausted. He was the same way with potty training, nothing motivated him. We just had to wait for him to want to. So we are just waiting it out and hope it’s a “strong willed child” phase. We’ve also spoken with his teachers a lot and they say the same thing. He is really smart and he can be the sweetest and then he came be the most difficult. He knows who the weak ones are to take advantage of and he knows how to manipulate. Praying out tounger twins don’t have this “phase” or Lord help us.
@ Mel – perhaps the twins will start to gang up on him. Trouble is if kids think they can get their own way all the time they may grow up into unpopular adults or, even worse, bullies.
@spidee-ha I wish, they love him too much.
Oh and we never let him get his own way. We never give in so that’s why it’s so frustrating and exhausting that he continues to push and push. We’ve tried everything, positive reinforcement and praise, and everything I said above. He is just super stubborn and is not motivated by anything. And it’s not like he’s a devil always doing bad things, it’s stuff like never wanting to go to bed, not running at school, not wanting to take his nap at school, not wanting to pick up toys, stuff like that. He’s not malicious, just doesn’t like being told what to do. We know how good he can be so thats why it’s so frustrating that sometimes he chooses not to be.
What I was trying to say in too many words was, not every child responds to those four obvious parenting tactics. Every child is different and just because those things didn’t work for you it doesn’t mean it’s your fault as a parent that your child doesn’t have perfect behavior by now or that you’re a bad parent or even that your child is terrible. You just have to figure out what your child will respond too and it may take a very long time.
@Mel M, it’s like you’re me writing about my daughter. She is the same way as your son, freakishly so. We’ve never spanked but I won’t lie and say in desperate moments I haven’t thought about it.
My son is 2 and already so visibly different in his behaviour from his sister. He has his moments, but it just so much more chill and manageable on a daily basis.
Spanking is abuse. Do adults hit each other to resolve issues? If we do, we can be arrested for assault. A 3 year old cannot defend themselves against a grown adult. Who dictates when the line is crossed between an “acceptable” or unacceptable spanking? Parents are supposed to be their child’s protectors and it’s very confusing when we spank them. How are we supposed to teach children that hitting is wrong if we hit them? Children’s brains do not process logic the way adults do. I have to repeat myself over and over again to my toddler. That’s part of parenthood. It’s frustrating but repetition is how they learn, not spanking. What does hitting teach them?
I agree. I raised two boys-now 16 and 17-and I never hit or “patted” them on the bottom and I never threatened to spank them. My dad, now passed (b. 1920) , once smacked my one and a half year old son (the 17 year old) on the bottom for not “obeying” him. He got a piece of my mind and it never happened again.
Back in the day, Oprah talked on this topic. She was in front of her audience and asked – what would you do if I heard you whispering during my show, and I walked over and slapped you across the face? Is that acceptable?
Personally I don’t know anybody who spanks/hits their children. I am childless so cannot say if I would if I had them.
And I think I was spanked, of course, but it was really unimportant as it got lost in the memory of all the other beatings I got as a child and teenager.
@LadyD: this is horrible. May I say I am sorry, yet from my mind sorry is not enough. I have problems with the word sorry. It does say something, but I don’t think it’s enough – I am repeating myself. What happened to you is awful. I remember from your previous comments that you are wise, intelligent, critical. Don’t allow that past overwhelm you. As for the latter part , just find a good martial arts class, like Aikido, that’s one peaceful martial arts class. So you don’t hurt yourself or “other” people. You CAN protect yourself, physically AND emotionally. YOU can do it. Before you go to sleep, imagine you place all that trauma in a box and burn it. That will help. Focus on good things in your life, the good things there are and/or the good thing you want to have in your life. Don’t waste any moment feeling that you are a victim.
My kids are 6 and 8 and I’ve never spanked. Yes, I was spanked (very rarely) as a kid…but when you know better you do better!
What?! I don’t know anyone who deliberately hits their kids, I’m 100% sure of it. And we’re all normal, frustrated, imperfect human parents. I just thought it wasn’t done any more AT ALL, other than cases of abuse where the intent is sick and malicious. In fact, I thought it was illegal. Isn’t it? (in Canada.)
I disagree. I was spanked maybe a handful of times while growing up. Often the threat of a spanking was enough to set me right. However I knew that when I eventually had kids I would prob not spank as I felt there are better more effective ways to raise disciplined children. Now that I have a 2.5 y/o and trying for another I could never ever imagine hitting her. She gets sooo worried that I might get mad when she does something naughty. She loves me, looks to me for everything, I could never intentionally hurt her and have her not feel safe with me. I just can’t even fathom hitting your own child. And I don’t know a single parent who does
I have to say I was physically abused and it was called a beating, no one in my culture questioned this, if they saw it or not. When I was about ten years old I met a family whose parents never hit. I was super shocked like I heard the world was round for the first time. My point is, these aren’t “mommy wars”, this is where people can hear THERE IS ANOTHER WAY. I have never hit my own child, he’s an honor student, an athlete, and is socialized, personable, etc.
She’s a disappointment.
Let the mommy wars begin.
I KNOW RIGHT? Nothing brings out the worst in people than other people actually trying to raise their own kids BUT WHO ARE FOR REAL DOING IT WRONG AND ARE THE ACTUAL WORST.
This isn’t about child-rearing styles, this is about child abuse. At some point we as a society draw a line, and with more and more states deciding that corporal punishment (physically assaulting, no matter what cute names it’s given) of children is wrong, in the classroom and in the home, we as a society are changing. We used to make kids work in factories and also hold them as slave property, too. It’s time to stop this.
I’m a mom and I’m not fighting other moms. I’m fighting to keep kids safe from harm.
Right?! To each there own. I’m not a mom, but I left my comment & now will dip out of here before it gets nasty!
I don’t like how the little monsters behave sometimes but I actually do not think spanking is a good idea. If you’re taking out your frustrations on the child, that is a recipe for spanking turning into abuse. I remember every single time I was spanked as a child which wasn’t often, maybe three times, but the fact that each and every one stayed in my mind to this day says that it was a traumatic experience.
Yeah, I read the headline and went “Ooooooooooo she’s in for it now!”
Completely agree, Who Are These People. Defending spanking by saying “to each their own” or making it out to be a choice in parenting styles is not okay. That’s like saying getting high or drunk while pregnant is simply an acceptable choice one makes. Both drugs and alcohol have been shown to negatively affect fetal development. Similarly, as so many have pointed out, numerous studies show that spanking has a negative impact on children’s emotional and psychological health. This shouldn’t be up for debate.
It’s not mommy wars for people to oppose hitting children. It really is ok to speak up for children who are subjected to this misguided, harmful practice. And, yes, it’s ok to draw bright lines and say this is a thing that people should not do.
Lol as long as there is some discipline! You may not spank but parents MUST discipline. I have seen kids hit their parents and break things because they did not do anything. Frankly those are the only kids i wished i could disipline myself as there is no way i would let a 5 year old beat me and break stuff.
It’s a myth that kids who aren’t hit -also aren’t guided or re-directed. My kid is far from out of control, and he was never hit. I also didn’t use the word NO unless it was an imminent situation. Imagine hearing NO every second, the world would seem filled w landmines. I used “yes” to re-inforce what he CAN do. My family thought I’d have a spoiled hell-raiser, but my kiddo is an honor roll student, elite athlete and a smiler. Really, there is another Way
Isn’t that a bit sexist? Mothering is the most important job in the planet. Calling women who are expressing their distress about child abuse “Mommy Wars” is belittling. What would you call a group of men discussing an important topic?
I feel like spanking will be a thing of the past in a couple of decades. I believe Scotland recently banned it. I think that is the way we’re headed, and I’m absolutely okay with that. Physical punishment should not be a “different strokes for different folks” type thing. I do not believe parents should spank their children, and I say this as someone who was spanked as a child.
It’s already banned in Denmark, Australia, Sweden, Croatia, Cyprus, Finland, Germany, Israel, Italy, Latvia and Norway.
It is NOT banned in Australia! It’s called legal chastisement and is exactly that -legal. Get your facts straight before you post.
Anybody ask the kids? Pretty sure spankings are happening as I type this.
I wish it was banned in Australia. It’s bull that it isn’t.
And yet Australian kids have all the same feelings as kids in Denmark, Israel and Latvia. I hope for their sake it’s banned there soon too. It is not necessary to hit children and it only promulgates violence. The research is solid. Hitting children is an abuse of power.
It’s banned in over 50 countries, Tunisia and Ireland were two other recent bans, and Wales in currently considering it. Canada, unfortunately, does allow it to some extent. I hope the Trudeau gov’t changes that to fully banning it.
Spanking is now illegal in Canada (within the last 2 or 3 years, I believe).
Sorry, you’re right. Canada does allow ‘physical discipline’ though, by a section in our criminal code.
I agree. It is not OK. No one wants to think their parents did something that caused long-term harm to them, and I’m sure most parents think that spanking is justified, or that it is for the child’s own good. My parents “spanked” liberally, and with an implement, not just the hand. Like Kelly, I excused them for years and said things like that I had turned out just fine. When you come from that parental environment, the best way to describe it is that you, as a person who was spanked as a child, is indoctrinated to feel superior to your peers who were not spanked.
Then in recent years, I started reading about the long-term affects of corporal punishment and realized that childhood spanking has been linked by researchers to some of the struggles that I myself have gone through, such as depression, drinking too much, accepting abusive relationships. It was like the light switched on, and I recognized how much that those “harmless” punishments may actually have impacted me, permanently. Nowhere else in society, other than professional sports, I guess, can one human being physically and repeatedly hit another and be excused for doing it. While I absolutely understand that Kelly is just as indoctrinated and bound by parental love as I was, my present day take on it is that it’s appalling and wrong.
Chaine, completely agree with you. I said something similar down thread, I struggled with anxiety and anger issues, as well as abusive relationships and drinking too much in my 20’s. I don’t think a lot of people like to admit those things when they say “I turned out fine”. Sure I turned out ok, as in I’m a functioning human being with a nice job, family, and no prison record, etc, but man I definitely took the long road here. There are other ways to punish children and because of my struggles I choose those over hitting.
It IS wrong and I’m sorry that this happened to you. It’s never to late to heal and I wish you peace and love while you do so.
I was spanked and was a terrible teenager. Once I got over my fear of being spanked I was pretty much uncontrollable. I turned out okay in the end, but that’s despite the spanking, not because of it. I love my parents and have a close relationship with them, but they weren’t perfect and could’ve used some parenting classes.
While I don’t think spanking is necessary, what about grabbing your kids hand or arm tightly or roughly as a warning?
Or picking up your kid roughly and roughly setting him/her down on a chair for ‘time out’…I mean, a light spanking could be on the same physical level as those two examples but only spanking (even lightly) is discussed and banned…
Grabbing an arm and setting a kid down roughly are not as physically apparent to people looking on, but it’s used in the same way as spanking but nobody seems to talk as much about ‘omg that mom grabbed her kids arm too hard to walk him out of the store when he was acting up!’ or ‘omg that mom put her kid down roughly on a chair when he was acting up, that should be banned!”
just interesting.
It should be. There is firm, and there is manhandling. I have found I can find many other ways to get their attention without physically hurting them. When kids flip out in public, it is usually an oversight by the parent as in not picking up on signals earlier that the child is tired or overwhelmed. I am guilty of that.
I will think I will just pop in and get some apples or something and it pushes the child over the edge. Each child is different, and some are more patient than others.
They are new people and have no idea what to do with stress or frustration.
Good point about not picking up signals from your kid b/c you’re just trying to get through the day and the things you need to do. I am not a mother but I know it can’t be easy.
I guess my next question would be…who gets to decide what is ‘firm’ and what is ‘manhandling’. Strangers looking on? the parents? the cops? i think one should use their judgement and be honest with themselves about the way they are handling their children, but a firm grab for a big dad might be ‘manhandling’ to a woman looking on.
Something I just thought of: animals, in general, use physical acts to teach behaviors (for example, a cat will grab it’s kitten by its neck until it stops wriggling when it needs a bath, or if a cub is playing too rough or annoyingly, an adult will respond physically to teach the cub that the behavior is not acceptable…and those cubs and kittens learn really quickly).
I know that seems like a silly example, but we’re animals too, and if done within reason (since we are reasonable animals and are able to verbally communicate on top of physically communicate), then I think Clarkson’s point of saying “I’m gonna spank you on your bottom if you don’t stop right now.” and then giving them the chance to a. stop or b. get lightly spanked or held to correct a behavior doesn’t seem unreasonable. (its just such a slippery slope…)
If the child just doesn’t listen even when spanked, the spanking obviously isn’t the right tool to correct the behavior. it shouldn’t get rougher to try and prove that point.
Miss Amanda, In the case of animals, the cat holding her kitten still is just holding her kitten still or the parent animals nipping the little animals are being very careful not to hurt the little animal, but are just getting their attention. Animals have different pain thresholds and sensitive areas than humans. You don’t see a momma cat using her claws on her her kittens eyes or underbelly, they are doing the human equivalent of tapping on the shoulder and saying “hey!”
I get what you are saying. I think the difference is that a spanking is a deliberate choice a lot of the time, the parent threatens to spank if the child doesn’t stop doing xyz.
I think the grabbing of the arm, or pushing into a seat etc, are more ….almost accidental or….I am having a hard time finding the correct words, if not accidental, more reactionary? Parent gets frustrated and angry and grabs too tight, possibly not even registering they are doing it. I am not saying this is OK. It is not ok. But to me, the difference is that while some people may feel that spanking is a parenting choice, a legit one even….. I don’t think people are making the conscious CHOICE to grab an arm too hard etc.
I am embarrassed to admit that I have done that. My son didn’t want to leave the house, it was time for preSchool for him / work for me. And I was extremely stressed. I was bigger than him, so I dragged him out the door. It wasn’t violent…so much as it was loud and dramatic, as he was throwing a temper tantrum, crying and screaming. But once we were buckled in the car, I realized that I had my HANDS on him, while super angry and he was not cooperating. It felt like we had just had a fist fight (we did not hit each other, but the angry physicality of it FELT like a brawl after the fact) And just that idea was VERY upsetting to me. He was fine. It isn’t like I was super rough with him. But the idea of physically controlling him while I was so frustrated? It felt very wrong to me.
I think in general, never mind physically punishing my kid, I don’t want to TOUCH my kid if I am super angry.
If America was anything like Europe we would have a universal healthcare system by now. America will never ever ban parental spanking; some states still allow teachers/principals to spank.
@Dorothy, it would take even longer in Asia…
She has balls to say this! I spanked when the kids were small. Luckily it was just a short time in their lives. Now they listen to reason.
Because spanking them before they were old enough to be reasoned with isn’t cruel at all.
Thank you for this.
Very true.
That’s true. It’s really like the terrible threes where I find I’ve ever had to resort to a spanking.
All that’s ever necessary is restraining a child to keep him or her from running into the street, touching fire, etc. There are so many other ways to teach appropriate behavior. What does spanking “teach” other than “Mommy/Daddy loses control and hurts you when you do something we don’t like?”
Parents need to reason this out better.
Yup. When they hit that age where they’re mobile but not really listening to what you’re saying it, yes. I mean, obviously sparingly and not abusive. But if it’s a life and death situation? Like, once my son threw a fit in the car and got himself out of his carseat when I was on the highway – not cool dude, not cool at all. I pulled over, gave him a spanking, and put him back in his carseat. He never got out of his carseat again, and now he’s a healthy, happy senior in college who calls me every week. I think if asked, he wouldn’t even remember it or care; I seriously doubt he’d call me cruel.
Weird. Never happened.
It’s so totally weird how every spanking-justifier has this story of something “dangerous” a child did, so they physically spanked them and then they, quote, “never did it again,” thus making them both right AND a savior. This almost always is a story told of a now-adult (or near-adult) children who, “turned out great.” Weird how you haven’t actually ASKED your son if he recalls that incident? Or considered that perhaps pulling over on a roadside to spank you child wasn’t just as, if not more, “dangerous,” (could have been sideswiped, etc.), than a child releasing themselves from their seat. (Cause he had to be unstrapped when you spanked him, as were you, and my friend’s son was accidentally killed while on a roadside, so, yes, those things occur, too.)
My grandma has this story she loves to tell EVERY TIME I see her about how my mom — or sometimes it’s one of my aunts, the story is fluid — ran out on a road where busy trucks sometimes drove fast and she grabbed her and then switched her “legs up and down while she danced and screamed.” Afterwards, a neighbor chastised her for beating her child, my grandma told her about the road, and the neighbor apologized to my grandmother and my mother/aunt, “never did it again.” Oh, how she loves that story. The only problem is that it’s not true. The nosy neighbor never apologized to my grandma, who she disliked her entire life for this and other reasons. And, while none of her children were ever smashed by a truck, my mother, and her sisters, received MANY switchings, for MANY things they, indeed, did do again. Often many times.
Heck, when I was little — like, 5 — I was having so much fun running around the neighborhood with friends I forgot to tell my mom I’d left one house and gone to another. When I came home she switched me. I still remember the welts. I did go on to be late and careless other times in my life. I also got switched for running a toy car over my mother’s wooden rocking chair, destroying the finish. True, I never ruined that particular chair again — which stayed damaged, and pointed out to me as my fault, for YEARS — but I broke/destroyed/was careless with many other items I shouldn’t have been many additional times in my life.
My grandma switched my mom (or whomever it actually was) because she was scared and angry … The same reason my mom then continued the behavior and switched me when I worried her/destroyed her beloved property.
Yeah, I wasn’t spanked but I got a slap on the cheek for especially bad behavior that needed, often for my own safety, to cease immediately. When I got old enough to actually speak and communicate through words, that stopped because, well, duh.
Did I read your comment right, Wren? Someone was bitch slapping you as an infant? That seems incredibly harsh.
Infant? Um, no. More like between the ages of 3 and 5. And not a bitch slap. A mild smack on the cheek. Singular.
That is wrong Wren.
I recall you saying you didn’t want to have children. I don’t mean this to shame you or challenge you but hitting in the face is a sign of profound disrespect. I have yet to find a loving parent who would strike their child in the face. It is abuse. A child doesn’t just feel the pain, but they learn to be confused about love.
I don’t hit my pets, and I wouldn’t hit a stranger so why is it ok to slap a child who has no voice or power to fight back or explain?
I guess we’re just going to disagree. I don’t believe it was wrong. I was doing a thing I should not have been doing, disregarding all warnings, and then there were unpleasant consequences. It was never confusing.
Because nothing makes a fellow human being more reasonable than being hit, am I right?
Oh and the premise made here that Clarkson perhaps just THREATENS physical violence against her preschoolers … Doesn’t seem a whole lot better.
Spanking is not cruel. Not that I endorse it. There is a difference between spanking and beating a child.
“I’m a well-rounded individual with a lot of character, so I think it’s fine.”
I don’t really get what she is trying to say here. While I am not an advocate for spanking, her approach seems pretty harmless, however… Certain disciplinary actions that have worked “well” for ourselves may not always work well for our children.
It’s a variation of “I was spanked and I turned out just fine,” which is laughable because no, no one who thinks physically hitting anyone, let alone children, turned out “just fine.”
Bingo
There’s a lot of emerging evidence that spanking is psychologically damaging to kids (not all kids will be damaged by it, but it’s more damaging than peaceful punishment methods). I’m not saying parents who spank are bad parents, but I do think that when you know better, you do better.
Plus, we should be teaching our children to control their impulses and make smarter decisions. Spanking just enforces an absolute authority over them. Spanking is an easy fix. Discipline takes longer. There is no reason ever to hit a kid.
Plus, toddlers will drive you to the point where it is unclear whether the hitting is for their benefit or yours. I’ve been at the point where I have wanted to toss my toddler across the room. Spanking, to me, would feel like indulging my frustration and that isn’t discipline.
That’s exactly how I feel. And if the best way I can come up with to punish my kid is spanking, then I’m the one who has impulse control issues.
Plus, if your child isn’t old enough to be reasoned with, they’re not going to fully understand why you’re spanking them. If they’re old enough to be reasoned with, then it makes more sense to reason with them.
Yea I don’t know why people think spanking will teach a child to behave. You’re not only teaching your child to fear you (it’s not respect, let’s be real) but also teaching that violence is okay as a form of punishment, even if it’s “not hard.”
This exactly. I’ve always thought that you spank your kids more out of frustration than for teaching purposes… And my mom will totally admit that too and she’s not proud of it. I understand how a parent could spank/slap their child out of stress or frustration because kids are sometime terrible and their temerity will scare the hell out of you, but please, don’t tell me that it teaches them a lesson!
There are some forms of “corporal punishments” that I can give a pass to: for instance, toddlers that bite will usually learn that it’s not fun when they finally get bitten too, but that’s something they’ll experience from their peers and not their parents.
“Plus, we should be teaching our children to control their impulses and make smarter decisions. Spanking just enforces an absolute authority over them.”
Good point.
Parents are upset when their kids hit their siblings, and yet the parents taught them to physically punish someone when they think a person has done something wrong or that they don’t like.
We are better than that or should be.
Spanking is the laziest form of discipline, with the “bonus” of parent getting to work out their anger. And the worst part is that they’re continuing the cycle of spanking.
“Plus, toddlers will drive you to the point where it is unclear whether the hitting is for their benefit or yours. I’ve been at the point where I have wanted to toss my toddler across the room. Spanking, to me, would feel like indulging my frustration and that isn’t discipline.”
YES!
The other day I got really angry at my kid because I had had a bad day and was extremely tired. I am not excusing myself, mind you, what I did was inexcusable. And I spanked my kid, stopping, horrified, mid-way.
I will never forget the way my son looked at me.
Complete disappointment, utter disbelief.
The horror. When a kid yells back, or has a tantrum, or doesn’t obey, he’s testing the limits and learning how to deal with his/her issues. They have to have that space.
Hitting them takes their space away, their personality and specifies that impulse control (what we are asking of them) does not apply to the parent.
I am still horrified at myself and enrolled in a gym to get better at relaxing and channelling bad energy.
Don’t beat yourself up over it. We’ve all been at that point.
I’ll never, ever understand this mentality.
If you laid a hand on anyone else in your life for behaving poorly or not doing what you want you’d be considered an abuser no questions. But do it to the most vulnerable people you possibly can, the people who rely on you entirely for their care and protection, and it’s fine apparently.
Personally, I never did it.
And her kids are so young….
Thank you.
Spankings usually occur when a child is too young to be reasoned with. They understand spanking is a punishment though. Also, if it’s done right, it’s mostly a shock to them, rather than a painful experience. I don’t know, I was spanked a lot as a child and I don’t have bad will for my parents.
It damn well is a shock to have the person you rely on for protection to hit you. All they learn is mistrust and betrayal.
This isn’t the shock that’s needed to learn more appropriate behavior in any given circumstance. Coaching and supervision are needed, plus removing temptations irresistible to little children. Parents losing control: The last thing any child needs to feel safe and secure.
I wasn’t spanked, I got a cheek slap, but no, I never viewed it as betrayal. I viewed it as “actions have consequences”. Which is a hard truth of the real world. It never same out of nowhere and there was always a warning. It was always the result of something I’d done, or more accurately was in the process of doing, that needed to cease immediately and not be repeated. Once I could speak and reason, it wasn’t needed anymore.
So it is ok to spank adults with dementia? Or people with mental disabilities? These are also categories of people who cannot always be reasoned with. No? Just children? Ok. So it’s about control and making the spanker feel better, not about dealing with the behaviour of the individual.
There is no right way to hit anyone. If they can’t understand reason, then they can’t know they did anything wrong unless you tell them and show them.
Exactly. Yikes.
I’m torn, I know they say if you hit a child it teaches them to hit. But there’s a difference between hitting and a spanking. I received my last spanking at about 8 years old and I think the last time I spanked my son was when he was 4, he’s 12 now. It works for some parents, while a different form of punishment works for others.
That “time out ” crap barely works either. You can ground kids, take away their toys for a period of time, and don’t allow them to do things that they like to do, if they play sports take away that luxury for a game or two.
Now on the other hand that doesn’t always work. I know because I work in a residential facility and we house close to 100 kids who have been removed from their home for various reasons. Mainly because their parents lost control of them and they have serious behaviour problems. I work with therapist, counselors, psychiatrist and substance abuse counselors. These kids are not easy. They are quick to physically attack staff, curse them out and their favorite go to phrase is SMD, the girls say it more than the boys. These kids make you want to say your mama should have whooped your ass, then maybe you would know better. We have to physically restrain kids to keep them from hurting others and themselves.
I was in Toys R US one day and this little boy of no more than 9 or 10 cursed his mother out. She was like you’re not going to get that video game and you’re not going to soccer. That little boy said I don’t give a fuck, fuck soccer, fuck everything. She was so embarrassed. I heard a few people say she needs to whoop his ass. If my son ever talked like that to me I would have Sparta kicked his ass out that store
If spanking isn’t hitting, what is? I don’t understand the difference being drawn here. Spanking is totally hitting. The thing that people use to say “spanking” is not “hitting” is that the spankee is one’s child – a small, young person who is utterly dependent on the protective goodwill of the parent.
If spanking were truly okay, would parents like it if a stranger walked up to their “misbehaving” child and hit them to “make them learn?” Why do parents have this “privilege” to hit children as if they’re personal property?
They are not property. And parents can raise kids without hitting. Instead of all the adults who say, “I was spanked and I’m fine,” how about all the adults who say, “I was not spanked and I’m *really* fine!”
@V4Real – Thank you for that 300 reference. I laughed my real laugh at work, so now everyone knows I’m not exactly working. But, totally worth it.
V4Real, we’ve had some disagreements in the past, I think. We discussed the child of a celebrity who’d been hitting chickens with a bat, and you thought it was child like behaviour and NBD. Now you think ( at least some) children should be hit more, to root out misbehaving? I find that sad, since I see so many well behaved children whose parents are patient and firm, but do not spank. Also, you work with troubled children, who have been removed from their homes, and you think they should’ve been hit more? Don’t you know that the number one reason children are taken from their parents is physical abuse? I work with children too, and most of the seriously troubled kids I meet have been hit for every little thing since toddlerhood by their unfit parent(s). Result? The kids were aggressive themselves, suspicious of authority and constantly restless. More violence would not have helped them, IMO.
@Who are these people. Let me rephrase that. There’s a difference between spanking and beatings.
To answer another question of why a stranger can’t walk up to your misbehaving child and spank him but you can, well it’s because it’s your child not theirs. They also can’t tell your child when to do his homework, when to eat, when to play, when to do chores but you can. Now don’t get it twisted, I didn’t say I was for spankings, I said I was torn.
Now if you’re around the kids that I’m around you might change your tune. These kids are not your normal bad behaviour of throwing little tantrums. These kids are talking to adults and parents as if they’re adults. These kids are fighting their parents, spitting in your face fighting in the streets, joining gangs, robbing people, sneaking out of the house, doing drugs, skipping school, weapons possession and worse. We take kids as young as 10 years of age. Here’s an example , we have a boy at the age of 13 who was arrested 3 times, once for possession of a firearm, second for robbing someone and then again for stabbing a man. He came to us from lock-up. Two parent home who said they discipline their kids by , grounding, counseling and taking things away. They never spanked their kids. Not saying that a spanking when he was 8 would have made a difference (It’s clear the kid has issues but parents refuse to put him on meds) but even therapist knows that what works for some will not always work for others. And some of these same therapist who are saying spankings are bad or quick to throw these kids on medication.
I’ve witness a lot of these kids curse their parents out when they come to visit or threaten to hit them. I can’t imagine what would have happen if I called my mom a bitch at the age of 12. Some of the kids I work with have done ok with the years of counseling and medication we provide but some are now in jail or worse if you know what I mean. I’m pretty sure you haven’t experienced kids like these. I’m sure you probably never dealt with children in Group Homes, or juvenile detention centers or residential treatment facilities like mine. And our motto here is counsel, counsel and then counsel some more, award good behavior but that doesn’t always work.
One of our therapist strongly believe you never hit a child until she was physically assaulted by one. She punched that child in the stomach to get her off of her.You never know a parent situation until you’ve walked in their shoes. That being said, spanking a kid doesnt always lead to some type of dysfunction in their adult life. Most of these kids were never spanked but received other forms of discipline and look how they are turning out.
And keep in mind that various forms of discipline is also a cultural thing. They’re trying to change that cultural component but it’s not for everyone.
@ANKEL, sorry I just saw your post after my recent novel I just posted. I don’t quite recall exactly what I said on that old post but I’m sure you misconstrued what I said like you’re doing now. Where did I say it was ok to hit a child. I do believe I said I was torn and I gave examples of troubled kids who parents claim they never hit their kids but tried other forms of discipline.
To what extent do you work with troubled kids? I would like to know. And yes we have kids that have been removed from their homes due to physical abuse or neglect. But most of our kids are here because of their bad behavior that started when they were 4 or 5 and up. These parents can’t control their kids and it had nothing to do with hitting them. Some of these kids were removed from the home because of the parents lack of discipline or whatever method they were using wasn’t working. Some of these kids received years of outside counseling and some on meds before they made it to our program but that wasn’t enough. We are more of a behavior base program but we are leaning more to programming kids who are medicated and have a psyche component to them. But most of the kids are just plain bad behavior . Our kids come to us through several sources such as DSS/lock-up, PINS/school district or OCFS.
Maybe we service different types of kids than you. So please give me some background on the population you service.
And once again I never said hitting or spanking was ok, I said I was torn, I spanked my child until he was four, and let me be clear it hardly happened unless he would not take to any other form of discipline. Spanking was my last resort and he received two to three smacks on the thigh. Not beatings but smacks. And we always discussed the behavior and it worked for me. Like I said he was 4 the last time I spanked him, now he’s 12. What works for one parent doesn’t always work for the next.
But that’s not a comparable situation. No one is saying an adult should lay down and allow themselves to be beaten by a disturbed child. After that therapist freed herself, did she proceed to “whoop” the child to teach them a lesson?
Yes Kelly, it is comparable because after that incident her tunned changed. She even said I’m not your mama, you hit me you get hit back. Your mama should have been putting hands on you from the moment you started acting out. And this child did not come from a home where spankings were giving out so what taught her to hit, why did she use to hit her mom.
Yep we see things differently when the situations happens to us don’t we. That kid is no longer one of her clients. But see, it’s not always easy for a parent to say I don’t want to deal with my kid anymore. The therapist just switched the child off her caseload.
V4REAL, it’s not nice, or correct, of you to accuse me of misconstruing your words. You talk about children being better off with spankings, you talk about kicking their asses Spartan style if they misbehave. I call it hitting, because they are the same thing. You wanted to know what I do? I’m a kindergarten teacher. And, before you tell me how easy that is, I work in a poor neighbourhood with a high rate of immigrants. Many of the adults have escaped war. A number of the mothers are prostitutes. Hitting is the norm, or spanking/physical discipline if you like. Every child goes to kindergarten here, because their parents get subsidies, and the most troubling children are still a year or two too young to be institutionalized. We get children who’ve already been taken by the protection services, and kids whose mothers are in hiding from their boyfriends. Last year we had a 6 year old whose single mother was an addicted prostitute from a war zone. Why he hadn’t been taken, I don’t know. She’d “whoop” him, and he’d attack adults and children dozens of times EVERY DAY. Usually laughing and screaming wildly. Sometimes eyes rolling. He had his own full time carer, whose main job was to keep him from seriously injuring the kids, and I expect that’s what will happen to another of our boys too. He’s getting worse. We do realize that every year, some of “our” former boys will end up as gang members. And let me tell you, what almost all the calm and well behaved children have in common, is kind and rational parents, not more “discipline”.
@Ankhel Please stop you are misconstrueing what I said. Show me where I said spanking was ok. I said other people said a kid should have been spanked. I never said hat, shame on you for accusing me of saying it. And stop trying to twist my joke about my son into something it’s not. You’re not being fair or honest.
Now to our difference in the services we provide. Like I already said the kids we service are mostly behavior kids who have not been spanked by their parents. Please carefully read what I wrote above that describe the kids I service. These kids live here, they go to school here, this is their home. Some get to go home on weekends and holidays while others are here 24/7. These kids started with behavior problems from ages 3 and up. Their behavior never improved, most of our population was not spanked by their parents or abused. Maybe bad parenting. We service kids from age 10 to 21 depending where their birthday fall during the school year. At 21, they age out. We have 10 year olds that if they don’t like what you say they will spit in your face. We have kids that attack staff, therapist, and people in the community. They do drugs, carry weapons and it has nothing to do with them being abused. I spend 8 -9 hours a day 4 to 5 days a week with these kids most of the time locked in a cottage with them. And this is my second job. Both my jobs are with the same organisation. Can you imagine working in a house with 12 -16 kids, various ages and different personalities. Are you breaking up fights almost ever day you work. Are you getting attacked by kids because they were simply told they couldn’t do something. I see the population we service are different and so are our opinions. You work with physically abused kids, my population is not abused.
Yes, exactly. This is an abusive and entirely unnecessary practice, and no amount of mental acrobatics will make it anything but. She’s cancelled.
My friend’s brother was spanked. Repeatedly. She can’t remember he was that awful a kid, but for some reason her dad spanked her brother often – and he did it only to his son. It later turned out my friend’s mom was abused by her husband too.
Her brother ended up with heroin addiction, self worth issues, feeling like he constantly did something to make other people mad and therefore deserved being hit.
Needless to say, I am very against spanking.
Even from when I was a child, it made me fear people – adults – or to think that I was inherently bad, and to make choices out of fear.
I also Really have trouble trusting people. I was not spanked a lot, usually just an object like a beltheld over my body as a verbal threat was hurled down that if I didn’t shape up I would feel the belt, and just the touch or sound of it made me cry and whimper. How is that not torture? Holding me in that position, making me on edge, hypervigilant, because of reasons no one can even remember.
I got straight A’s, never missed a day of school, was “perfect” so I wouldn’t get yelled at or hit, until I had a mental breakdown.
God, even writing that makes me see how abusive my parents were. I am low /no contact with my parents, so if you want that relationship with your kids, spank away.
Um … throwing in a “Y’all” does not make this cute. I usually don’t get into parenting discussions because that can only lead to being yelled at and in general, rules are tricky but … really? This is not about the parents or what they believe. You just never know how a particular child will react to being hit. And calling it spanking does not make it cuter. One will – as Kaiser says – be fine and another may never get over it. Just don’t do it. It’s so lazy, too. Are you too dumb to come up with something better than fear as a method? You want your child to be afraid or to respect you?
Hoping my kid respects me for the self-control I exerted NOT to hit her when she was pushing more buttons than Kim Jong Un.
LOL Oh I was EXHAUSTING when I was a baby/child. My mother talks about it to this day. “You got on my last nerve sometimes. It was a full-time job to get you to accept rules.” She says she slapped my diaper-padded butt maybe twice and then self-corrected because she thought “What am I doing? This is not me. I don’t want to hit a toddler.”
I think this is a good question, actually. Who wants to be a person who hits a toddler??? Kids are hard work, which is one of the reasons I’m leaning heavily towards no.
My parents physically punished my sister and I when we were children. For some reason, my father would mostly go after me, while my mother would slap or pinch my sister. (They were proud because they never spanked or caned us, like their parents had with them. That was bad, apparently.) It didn’t happen often, it was months between each episode as I recall it. Still, to his dying day I was wary of my father. When he got senile, I hid his kitchen knives, because I worried about his day carer, locking herself in. It made me feel silly, but I did it, even if I’d never seen him hit an adult. I felt guilty because I didn’t love him as much as I felt a daughter should, but that’s how it was.
My sister, on the other hand, was a daddy’s girl. She hated mother for years, said our mother didn’t care for her. (I love her, and knows she loves us, but I see that my sister didn’t have the same experience.) These days, my sister tolerates mum, but that’s it.
I know that a lot of people say they were “physically disciplined”, and how it didn’t hurt them. That may be so. But you never know how physically or mentally hurting and scaring a child will work out. It may seem like an easy fix, but you know what they say about easy fixes, right?
I grew up in New England getting spanked like kids in the South. My mother always gave us warnings about being spanked if we didn’t behave. I still grew up a good person even though my mother used to warm my ass with spankings once in a while as a bratty kid
I grew up in New England, too, and while my parents joked about spanking, they never did it. IMO, if you as a parent can’t find a way to discipline your kids without physically punishing them, then you are the problem, not the kids.
My parents used to usually warn and joke that we’d spanked, but I don’t think that my mother was terrible because she spanked us a couple of times as kids. It’s not like she whipped us with belts or hit us violently. We were almost always punished and disciplined without being spanked. My sister and I didn’t become petrified, traumatized and full of fear and hate from a couple of spanks
Yet other children do become traumatized, and it’s not fair to characterize them as being “full of fear and hate” as a result. What your mother did may have been more mild in intensity than what other parents do, with hands, fists, belts and other forms of whips. When an adult is angry, there is no telling how badly they lose control, and let’s face it, the entire range of ‘spanking’ and hitting kids is about adults losing control in anger and hurting their kids’ bodies BECAUSE THEY CAN.
You know you’re a serial killer, QUIT PLAYING BETH. Your parents spanked you and now you kill and eat people and kick puppies. There’s no debate, it’s obvious. It’s SCIENCE. Stop killing people, jeez. /s
(I don’t actually believe you kill and eat people or kick puppies. But then, I *would* say that because I GOT SPANKED TOO [[GASP]]!)
LMAO!
“It’s SCIENCE!!!” Lmao!!
Hey Beth – you make me laugh and I love to read your comments. I think what is troubling about a comment like yours (I once thought as you myself) is it reminds me of Catherine Deneuve, like the women who say that a man once tried to feel them up, but They are fine, not scarred by it at all, it is a normal part of growing up to learn how to fend for yourself.
But….no, it doesn’t have to be that way. And It is fine if you personally don’t feel scarred by warnings of and actual spankings, but mine gave me nightmares, anxiety, and led to me never confide in my parents for anything because they were clearly not safe people.
I respect that you are fine and ok – but a lot of kids who were spanked because our mom and dad were tired and overwhelmed, not because I was doing anything other than being a bouncy happy kid who wanted to play with my parents when they got home – spanking was traumatizing. To know you can be lashed out at for whatever reason is scary.
That is my two cents for the people trivializing it. Thanks for reading.
*hugs Domino*
It’s not only different strokes for different folks, different strokes for different kids. I’m not personally against spanking, but some kids can get the point with timeout or a stern warning. Also, I don’t like when there’s no variation for disciplining. Spankings aren’t necessary for any and all misdeeds.
this is my take on it as well. I don’t think an across the board approach works either. different kids require different approaches. my brother got spanked growing up because he always pushed things too far and couldn’t help running his mouth (he’s almost 50 now and still always has to have the last word, lol). I responded better to threats and reason, so I never got spanked. my own daughter is not unlike my brother, behavior-wise, but the farthest I’ve gone is to smack her hand, which works to get the point across.
Ding ding ding. I think spanking isn’t what most people imagine. It brings to mind a squirmy kid laid across the lap while you absolutely wallop them. That’s not the case. She’s probably talking about a light wallop on the butt to get attention, as most people who “spank” their kids tend to do.
Additionally, there are a lot of things people do to children that have psychologically and physically harmful effects later in life and you don’t see people up in arms about it like you do with this one. It’s a strange double standard to have.
EXACTLY! Some people think that spanking, beating, and whipping are all the same things. They certainly are not.
@broodytrudy. Thank you. Thats how i see this too. I got smacked when i was a child, smacked meaning a light tap on the back of the legs! Personally I wouldn’t smack….I couldn’t smack my dog, so kids would be a no no. However I think people are misinterpreting what Kelly means. Or maybe not asking the question.
Spanking and other physical consequences are a tool. Nothing more or less. Like any tool, there’s a right way to use it and a wrong way, the right time to use it and the wrong time. A hammer isn’t a bad thing, but it can be used for unspeakable destruction. Doesn’t mean it’s not an effective tool in the right circumstances or should never, ever be used.
Replace “I’m not personally against spanking” with “I’m not personally against hitting a much smaller, defenseless, immature person.” I don’t get that mentality. There just isn’t a justification for hitting a defenseless person. To me, hitting a child is no different that hitting someone with a mental disability, or an adult with dementia. Some adults with dementia can be very, very difficult to deal with and do engage in dangerous behavior, but I don’t think a single one of us would consider hitting them to get their attention or make them change their ways. I also find it weird that spanking seems acceptable for only the youngest, most vulnerable kids. If it’s right for little kids, why not continue? Somehow parents only seem to justify it when the kids are the most helpless and least responsible for their behavior.
I get that different techniques are needed to different kids, and I get that kids can make us incredibly angry, incredibly frustrated, incredibly scared, incredibly overwhelmed. But that’s exactly why we should not be hitting them.
Finally, I have to say that the comments that people make about why spanking can be justified are exactly the same comments that men use to justify beating their wives and girlfriends.
This.
Good point. Slapping your wife to correct her bad behavior used to be considered appropriate. Now it’s assault. I think spanking kids will head the same way.
Fun note…some Christian sects promote “wife spanking” and no not in a sexual way. As in, correct your wife like you would a child. I happened upon it once while reading a blog on Christian gender roles. It was litterally like, “Talk to your wife about the problem, talk to your pastor about it…if she still misbehaves and doesn’t clean…spanking is warranted.”
My parents were pro-spanking but they never actually did it, just threatened it and I did not want to find out if they would, so I never pushed them far enough. Though my mom did once dump a bowl of oatmeal on my head when i was 16 and being a little teenage shit. I totally deserved it though
No opinion/comment on the spanking (being the childless monster that I am), but I’m not on board with this ‘I’m from the south y’all’ being used a catch-all reason/excuse for doing shit that is otherwise frowned upon and/or for clever marketing.
Britney, Reese etc have all played this card – but the narrative that ‘The South’ is some magical land where everything is different (often in a negative way) is ridiculous.
I think spanking is just a lazy form of discipline, it’s much easier to spank than to find some other way to discipline a child.
And I say this as a mom who tried spanking a child and just felt lame and stupid after that, with no real result accomplished.
I got real results in discipline with other methods of punishments that don’t involve physical punishment.
And I say that as a child who was never ever hit by a parent, yet I, like K. Clarkson, feel that I am a well rounded normal person.
When I was young, I saw a special on spanking. I will never forget the image of this hulking woman, splayed out on the couch while her four petite little girls were standing in line, sobbing and waiting for this barbarian to wallop them from a laying position.
My mom spanked me the “proper” way. She never spanked while angry, she explained why I was being spanked, and she always comforted me afterwards and told me she loved me. And I remember how enraged I would be afterward. I also grew to be pretty meek and introverted, but that may have been my inherent nature. Anyway, I have guilted my mom relentlessly over the years, and she feels deep regret. She grew up in a loving family, but they had whippings and she’d be chased down by her mother and older sister because she’d run.
Violence leads to more violence. Spanking children teaches them it’s ok to use physical aggression. There is a ton of research on this, it’s not even up for debate. Unfortunately anyone can become a parent but most people are not equipped to, they resort to spanking because they don’t know how to deal.
Yes, violence does lead to violence. having experienced lots of punishment as a child (mostly yelling, a small amount of grabbing, and handful of spankings), it didn’t set off red flags for me as domestic violence when a partner began to do the same to me.
When you are around abuse as a kid, you struggle to call it out as an adult. How can you, when someone grabbing you, lightly tapping you to get your attention, spanking or dumping things or threatening to do things ‘for your own good’ has been normalized as ‘love’ and ‘for your own best interest’ for so long.
Thanks for sharing that Domino, you express it so well. It gets so confusing for kids when violent behavior is normalized in the family. And for sure this just speaks to our culture of violence, the rape culture and the way women are treated, the “right” for gun ownership. It’s all part of the same problem. None of it is ok. I applaud you for questioning things as an adult.
Wow Domino.
That is one of the most insightful comments I have read lately.
It would be interesting to do a study about adult relationships and those who were physically punished. I wonder if it makes it easier to miss red flags and signal. I never understood why some behavior that seemed alarming to me was not to some of my friends. Idk.
Not sure. My grandad beat my mom, my mum used to tap me on the back of the legs, I personally wouldn’t smack. I think we evolve. Your argument means that abused always become abusers and that is a disservice to survives that don’t.
what it means is that violence leads to more violence because it shows by example how to behave. and we learn from our parents. that’s awesome that YOU have evolved and have learned better ways to act and react. but not every child or adult knows how to re-learn what they have been taught as a child. many people will believe that abuse and physical aggression are normal and ok because this was a normal part of life growing up. and so the cycle continues UNTIL one makes a conscious decision to change, or until one realizes it’s not ok to hurt someone else.
So as I said, this means all abused become abusers then right?
ugh, i just can’t rationalize when people are irrational 🙁 reread what i wrote, i won’t keep repeating myself.
Well spanking certainly never calmed a child down, so I don’t get the shade on other methods of trying to do so.
Spanking sends a strong message, to me it shows a loss of self control on the part of the parents in many cases, and a lack of other parenting methods available.
From my own experience, having a three and a half year old child, you can have a very well behaved child by giving time-outs, taking away small privileges, and setting strong expectations that you talk about regularly. I only gave my son one spank, when he once purposely ran away from me in public. That was so scary and unsafe and when I got ahold of him I have his butt a strong spank one time.
It meant something to him! He was talking about it for days, and so we kept talking about how he can never never run away from me like that. It hurt me to do it and I don’t think I’ll ever do it again. I can’t imagine spanking him just for acting up like a regular child.
No, spanking is NOT a choice. I live in Europe, where corporal punishement is increasingly illegal and it’s simply common sense to not use physical violence – and not matter how light it is, you use your hand against them! – on children. As every human wants to be free from suffering from violence.
Plus, spanking is often accompagnied by a humiliating, because defenseless and powerless, side.
Humans have a right to have a violence-free life. It’s irritating and frustrating, that obviously children aren’t set to the same standards with an violence-free upbringing. It’s a shame and barbaric.
Yes. Agreed.
If I spanked my 5 year old, she would be devastated. I just don’t understand this line of thinking. There isn’t anything she does that can’t be handled with a discussion. I yell at times but spanking… don’t get it. It’s also kinda weird that people spank bums, right? Just saying….
People spank kids on the bottom because there’s a lot of fat there. The spanking is more about instilling fear than making sure it hurts.
A friend of mine told me his grandmother’s punishment for him was to put a sheet of newspaper on the floor, pour out a cup of uncooked rice, and make him kneel on it in shorts.
I think it’s about humiliating.
@ Josephine,
Yes. You teach children where their no-no bits are, that they decide over their own bodies, and not to let others touch them there. Then you hurt that specific area, which underlines how powerless they are, and adds to their humiliation. I’m happy I was never spanked at least, because the idea of my father doing that to my butt creeps me the f out.
I think it is telling that spanking is part of sex play. What is that all about? Maybe a Freudian scholar can explain because it is weird.
I tell my kids to not hit each other and and keep their hands to themselves. If I spanked I’d be a hypocrite. There are other more effective ways to punish.
Still love her though 🙂
This. Even if you ignore all of the studies showing how damaging this is – I’m not sure how you can teach your kids not to hit others while spanking them when you’re mad at them or because they didn’t do what you wanted.
Now – I was spanked a couple of times. Not often at all – and while I don’t hate my parents for it – I think they didn’t really know what else to do. That’s what happened to them for the most part – and it was still pretty socially acceptable to most. I know there was an instance where I was about to reach to touch something hot (wood stove) and they instinctively swatted my hand away – which made me cry anyway, because kids cry. But I don’t think THAT kind of instance is a bad thing. They had to move quick to prevent me from scalding myself, and it wasn’t out of anger- it was to deflect my hand.
I’ve made my mind up that I won’t spank. I’ve read enough studies, I don’t want to go there. But that also doesn’t mean I’d let any kids run wild. There are other, much more appropriate ways to punish a kid at all ages. And most of the time – spankings aren’t being followed with a discussion about why what they did was wrong, etc. There are a lot of people who just are angry at their kid and that’s that. There needs to be more than a fear of being smacked to make a kid understand WHY they shouldn’t do something. And just because someone like me turned out “just fine” (debatable, really) doesn’t mean that the next kid has the same kind of resilience/reasoning skills/support to make sure they turn out “just fine”.
I’m pro spanking.
I’m not going to haggle, reason, negotiate, or bargin with someone who can BARELY wipe their own ass.
That’s ridiculous.
Do you also beat mentally disabled people or old people who cant do these things?
With this kind of disdain for small children, let’s hope you sign up for some parenting classes ASAP.
Thank you QueenB.
Jeez this woman said nothing of hitting disabled or elderly people. She spanks her kids, it’s her form of discipline and it’s her choice. Spanking could be for her just a few light taps.
If you’re against spankings that’s your right but don’t judge others on how they discipline their child until you’ve walked in their shoes. If she said she beats the hell out of them or just hit to be hitting then yes, there’s a problem.
Upthread I even said that when you hit it teaches kids to hit. On the other hands there are kids that have never been hit by their parents but they still hit their siblings, sometimes it’s just impulse.
But none of us know what another parent deal with. Speaking of parenting classes I’ve sat through some with parents as well as family counseling (I was learning as well) and you wouldn’t believe what comes out these kids mouthes to their parents.
What would be your course of action if your 7 year old said to you f-ck you, you then threatening by reminding him of consequences such as grounding, or punishment to their room. But the kid still say F you mom, I’m not going to my room and he doesn’t comply but still continues to disrespect and use profanity against you. What do you do if he hits you. People are coming down on people who say they spank their kids but yet are offering no advice on another way to handle a child that is behaving very badly and abusive.
Nope.
But most children aren’t mentally disabled. They need training & positive reinforcement to learn proper boundaries.
Not going to back down on this.
#SorryNotSorry
Clearly the “barely able to wipe their ass” remark was in reference to the young age range I’m specifying.
Not the elderly or adults that are incontinent.
Stop being ridiculous.
That’s harsh. I cannot say that i never got slapped but i do remember that seeing my mum upset and sad was enough for me to stop acting out.
My sis never got slapped. But she knew how to slap me despite being smaller and younger.
Also that over the knee thing seems too weird. I know people do it, but still… Yuck.
I’m so glad you never looked after my beloved 87 year old Grandmother. Not being able to follow an argument or go to the toilet independently is never an excuse for violence.
Then don’t, Desertreal. Talking to very young children isn’t always helpful, because their reasoning is limited. What you can do, if you want, is say “No, don’t hit your brother/ bite me/ tear up the book”, so they know what they did, and then remove them from the situation. Put them on the floor if they bite you, take the torn book away etc. If necessary, because they won’t stop, say “I said no” and put them in a high chair or a play pen for a bit. “Until you calm down.” Ignore their tantrum. After 3-4 years, they’ll be old enough that you can reason with them, and learn them right from wrong.
@DesertReal – If you’re so grossed out by kids who can’t wipe their own bums properly I’m not sure why you’d want to put your hands on them.
Hey crazy people-
There is a difference between mistakes, confusion, slip-ups, being mad, sad, disabled, sick, or impaired.
I’m talking about those rare occasions after multiple warnings, and wilful disobedience, lack of respect for authority figures, and disregard for others feelings. You all KNOW exactly what I’m talking about.
Kindly set aside your knee-jerk reactions.
Thank you.
I have no issue with this. I was spanked as a child, not hard at all. Was more about the humiliation of being put over a knee and disciplined. As a teenager I got slapped across the face a couple times when I was being truly awful. There’s some children around today who could use a little more discipline.
Okay this! And I’m black & from the South so maybe it’s a cultural thing…everybody got spanked here! But I can count on one hand how many times I was spanked as a child. It didn’t damage me or turn me into a violent person. I don’t have a desire to hit someone when I’m angry. Hell I don’t know anybody personally that was damaged from it. I don’t consider it abuse either nor did I fear my parents. It’s a form of punishment that works(ed?) on many people (it worked on me), but I know some won’t get that.
MellyMel
I was told that it was a holdover from slavery. A woman from BLM said that to me a few months ago. We were talking about childrearing and violence as well as a bunch of other things, but it came around to that subject. She was urging black families to stop because it wasn’t born out of a positive experience.
I don’t know, but I was wondering if this is true or if it is part of some African cultures to spank. Could that be a thing?
Another woman, who wasn’t black but from a minority culture from another country, said her parents did it out of fear of their children getting hurt by the majority group for doing something wrong or being in the wrong place at the wrong time.
@magnoliarose I’ve never heard that, but it does make a lot of sense. I think a lot of what our community does/says stems from those days and it is so ingrained in us that we don’t see anything wrong with it. I do get the argument of our parents & grandparents especially being in fear of their children getting in trouble with the majority group. That’s still prevalent today, so many probably felt and still feel like if they punish their children this way, they’ll stay out of trouble.
The only thing that irritates me about tgis discussion is the false theory that spankings are apart of black culture because of slavery. That is a lie and misconception as this form of discipline was used in Ancient African cultures. No torture & abuse on a certain psychological level is a hold over from slavery, and very different from “spankings”.
But here is the thing – were you truly being awful? If a partner hit you using that same rationale – you were Being awful, I had to hit you to get you in line, would that make it ok?
Absolutely not.
But you don’t teach anything by humiliating someone! And you wouldn’t let 2 adults or 2 kids hit each other because that’d be wrong, no matter the reason, so why would you do it to your own child? The only thing that this shows is an adult who is losing its temper.
Personally, if my mother had ever tried to slap me in my teens (or whenever I was tall/strong enough), I would have slapped back. Why would it be ok to slap your kid but wrong to slap your parents if they hurt you?
But this is exactly what is troubling. Using humiliation as a tool is highly problematic.
I disagree re humiliation. Humiliation is a very powerful tactic. If a person does something terrible, humiliation can really work. Think about thieves being put in the stocks. The humiliation was a good deterrent. It’s like people who say shame is a bad thing. Shame and regret are part of learning what is right or wrong. Discussion is also needed to heal this but I do find it odd how children are protected from feeling embarrassed or ashamed as if it is the worst thing in the world. I don’t think children should be abused or that people should be cruel but part of the learning process is knowing that doing something bad generates a feeling of shame or guilt or consequence. That so many kids and adults DON’T feel shame or responsibility for their actions is a bad sign.
As some one who was physically abused as a child, I would NEVER lay a hand on my child. Spanking is abuse, trying to argue the varying force with which someone spanks is the measure as to whether it’s abuse or not is not acceptable in my book.
Spanked once when my guy tried to use furniture as climbing tools. I was so scared I smacked his diapered ass and put him in bed. Then called a mommy bestie in tears about what an unfit animal I was. She laughed and said toddlers don’t understand gravity, it is ok. Never did it again, and he never did either. Luckily he’s almost 5 so reasoning has kicked in lol.
I’m a “to each their own” kind of person, I don’t spank but if that’s your thing have at it, no judgment from me, unless I see your kid hit another kid and your response is to hit them then scream “we don’t hit”, because that’s always pretty fkng funny to watch.
I’m from the south and got “whoopings” all the time too, sure I turned out “fine”, but I also ended up with anxiety, anger and trust issues, and a desire to hit things when I get upset. In my 20’s I was batshit crazy, took me years to quiet that noise in my head. I feel like spanking played a huge part in that, and it didn’t work, I was still bad as hell when I was little, lol. So yeah, I choose not to spank and my 10 year old is doing great, I’m sure I’ll screw her up in many other ways, but for the most part she’s well behaved and sweet. When she’s being bratty or we get into an argument my first instinct is to spank her, or just “pop” her as Kelly said, and that makes me sad. It’d be easier if I just spanked her and got the punishment over with, but I couldn’t do it.
Thanks for being self-aware enough to break the cycle and raise your child with thought and self-control.
Thank you for sharing that.
I wouldn’t want my children to be afraid of me to the point they hid things from me or didn’t trust me.
Be proud of yourself for doing your best for your fine girl.
Awe, thanks everyone, I appreciate that😄 I know I’m not perfect and I’m impatient as hell and probably yell too much, but damnit I’m really trying to break the cycle and keep her from struggling internally as much as I did, it’s hard enough in this world as it is.
Spanking is the use of physical force by a more powerful individual to subdue a less powerful individual. Why is it that feminists who are ready to call out abuses of power between adults find it acceptable between adults and children? Do you think people who harass other people, rape other people, and otherwise exert power over others WERE NOT hit as children?
I’m a feminist who also calls out child abuse. This isn’t an issue of feminism.
I’m sorry – to clarify, I did not mean to imply that feminists sanction child abuse, or that feminism allows for child abuse. What I meant to say is that movements that examine power dynamics among adults, and members of movements who challenge those dynamics, should also examine and challenge power dynamics between older and younger people. Spanking is a form of exerting physical power over a younger person to subdue them.
lately I see more and more feminist sites saying the key to getting our new generation of women and men to call out abuse is teaching them ownership of their bodies and what is consent from a young age.
Well, it is hard to feel like you have ownership of your body when your parents hit you.
And when men are socialized more to use violence to solve problems /deal with emotions then I personally think women are in more danger from normalization of abuse (I.e. Spanking/other violence is ok to use, the idea that victims deserved it reads to me as priming for acceptance of rape culture)
Of course both men and women are hurt by the portrayal and experience of violence as mundane and necessary, it is just women are more likely to die from the ensuing violence that adults reenact.
Ir is always, of course about power, and who has it and how and why.
I’m a mother to three and one child was very challenging, but I have never put my hands on my kids. I’m not a mommy shammer, I would never tell anyone how to parent. For me, it was way more effective for us to take away things that were important to them. Toys, art work. Later on, cell phones, Xbox and computers. That woke them up and they knew we wouldn’t budge either. I now have three well behaved teenagers who are polite and respectful. Their teachers and friends parents have told me so.
On the other side of the coin. I was spanked and I think that has a lot to do with my mother’s generation. I got spanked by hand, wooden spoon, and when she was really pissed, whatever object that was within reach. There was one time when my brother was acting up. He was maybe, 7 or 8. My father took him into the bathroom at our local Dairy Queen and beat the sh*t out of him. I’ll never forget the crying and I was physically prevented from stopping it by my step mom. Now I’m absolutely positive that the cops would had been called and an arrest would have gone down.
So, no, I’m not into spanking when there’s many other ways to punish without physical pain. That’s me though.
I don’t get how telling someone not to hit vulnerable child is Mommy Shaming. If you told your neighbour not to hit his wife, a disabled person, or even his dog, you’d not be accused of shaming them, but would probably be applauded for intervening in an abusive situation. Weird how daring to say you think hitting children is wrong is deemed Mommy Shaming. Something is really off in our society.
I remember a somewhat similar incident where my brother was being spanked and I tried to step in and stop it. I think he was at most 2 years old and I would have been 4. I had been spanked once or twice previously and it had clearly left enough of a mark on me that I felt it was my responsibility to protect my little brother. I got spanked too for my efforts. My mother was against spanking but had allowed it up to that point, but I think that’s when she put her foot down. My father really is a gentle man in all other contexts and I think he only spanked us because that was a normal part of his own childhood. My grandparents regularly spanked him with hands, belts and wooden spoons. From the stories I have heard, it didn’t make him any less of a handful as a child. And he had a lot of depression and interpersonal issues as an adult. I still remember my own (few) spankings as traumatic as well. I love my parents and don’t resent them for it and I ended up turning out fine in the end (though as another commenter put it, I also took the long road there), but I still wish they had never spanked us.
I now have 2 children; a 2 year old daughter and a 5 week old son. I would never dream of spanking either one of them. My daughter is starting the “terrible 2s” and I know it will probably get worse, but so far we have plenty of effective methods of disciplining her that don’t involve physical punishment. I also don’t understand people who say they spanked their children because they were too young to be reasoned with. I’ve been reasoning with my daughter for ages. Kids understand so much more than we give them credit for.
I have to say on the rare occasion I have spanked my children. I know a lot of people won’t agree and that’s fine. Just know that time outs and taking toys away are always the first steps. A spanking is always a last resort.
I have three kids 1, 3 and 5 and I am trying to raise the best kids I can. I received spankings as a kid too.
My father was against spanking but my mom sure would spank the shit out of me and my sibs when we disbehave or do something stupid or disrespect others. Not just hand spanking but belt, hanger, broomstick you name it. Lol. Me and my sibs grew up fine. No aggression or whatsoever. But then again, people are different.
I know you say you’re fine, but your mother was outright abusive and way out of control. Parents don’t ordinarily attack their children with belts, hangers, broomsticks etc. It’s too bad your father didn’t stop her.
My father was at work all the time when I was growing up. He’s already left for work when I wake up and I’m already asleep when he comes home. I don’t get hit for no reason though. Just when I’m being disrespectful or rude or just causing a havoc. I never found it traumatizing or anything. It didn’t make me aggressive either nor it made me want to kick or punch somebody when I’m mad. I don’t think of my mother as cruel or a monster either. In fact, when me and my sibs reminisce about our childhood life and talked about how we get our ass whooped when we do some bad stuff we would just laugh. But like I said, every person is different. Just because I grew up fine doesn’t mean other people wouldn’t be traumatized.
Sunnydeereynolds, why is it that behaviour you’d probably find shocking and scary now, like someone getting angry with you and attacking you with a clothes hanger, didn’t affect you on many occasions as a child? Is it because you were tougher and stronger as a little one? Or because the one who hurt you wasn’t a stranger, but a loved one?
Such a slippery slope topic. I was spanked. And I have some terrible stories. My husband was spanked, and he has some terrible stories. The thing about spanking, for me, is the whole physicality of it… I hate it. My oldest child was a complete terror on wheels and his antics normally ended after I was forced to step up to the antiquated parental table and get medieval. I never spanked my second child. He was practically perfect lol. I’m not joking, the angels descended from heaven and placed him on my lap, and then he turned 15. 😞
My youngest had (and has) a bit of his oldest brother in him which sucks because crazy kids really make us have to parent 24/7! He’s starting to chill but then again, so am I. I don’t spank him, but I remember threatening to do so. My devil voice has always been enough to thwart deviance lol. I’m southern and I hate spankings. The thing is, most spankings occur in the heat of the moment and when done in anger, I think it defeats the primary purpose at that point… control. Since my oldest could get completely out of control, I ended up having to employ very controlled discipline. I hated it. Sometimes I failed and yelled. Sometimes we both cried. Sometimes we both yelled, cried, laughed and cried some more. But the adult he is now? Wow, what a man, what a man, what a mighty good man. It’s crazy to see such a grounded gentleman… caring, respectful, restrained but engaging. So however traumatic having a wild child can be, there’s always hope and spankings don’t permanently damage if done with love (thank God). Because I HATE them.
Just wondering how hitting someone can be done with love. This is a variation on “it hurts me more than it hurts you.” How can an adult hitting a child possibly hurt the adult more than it hurts that powerless, humiliated, hurting child?
Good luck with your kids. Mine was a handful but I worked hard to blow off steam privately, not against her.
Yeah I figured that wouldn’t translate well, because it doesn’t make sense to me either. It did for my parents’ generation and prior because they truly felt that if you love your kids, ‘sparing the rod’ is the real abuse. My early ‘spankings’ as a mother never worked for me, and I was the one feeling pain, guilt and remorse so I had to simply tell my parents to leave me be, and let me handle my children my way. At some point, we all have to realize that physical pain does not a proper person make. Imo anyway.
No method of discipline is perfect. My sister uses time out, yet my niece still behaves like a street urchin. I threatened to spank her a few days ago, and 😶 the wailing. The histrionics. The way she immediately slammed her own butt to the floor, because she knew what was up. I’ll never ask her to eat Spam again.
Comments on this article are going to be a mess…
I was spanked as a kid (up until 7/8 years old), slapped a few times. Only my mother would use it though, coming from an italian family who used a whip on her and her sisters.
Can’t judged parents who use it. Probably won’t use it on my kids (if I ever have some), because it wasn’t effective for me and my sisters, we will just caused trouble knowing what would happen and go on with it.
This is the thing, kids will be kids. I’m encouraged by the passage of anti-violence laws against children. They are not personal property and they are not unfeeling. This is the second wave of legal protections afforded a vulnerable class, after the passage of child-abuse and reporting laws in the ? 70s and 80s. We are likely to find that children will grow up into generally decent people without the use of force. A few will still be bad, but not because we didn’t hit them.
My mom spanked me one time when I walked out the door and crossed the street when I was 3 while she was putting my baby brother down for a nap. She sort of dragged me across the road, she was crying, and swiftly swatted my bum as we walked. I remember it vividly. How upset she was. How this particular punishment was different. I never did anything that brazenly bad again, and never got spanked again. I understood that a spanking existed, but would only be used when absolutely necessary. That said, I don’t plan to spank my kids… but I never say never.
I can understand spanking in these circumstances. Clearly rare and not intended to hurt, but to make emphatic the point about not doing something that dangerous ever again. Used routinely, to hurt and humiliate, no. But I understand the impulse in a case like this.
It doesn’t strike you as a lack of control?
Yes, that’s true. Good point.
I am OK with occasional swat here or there but rarely spanking and if it’s done it should be as a as a last resort and not too severe and never done in anger
However oftentimes that is not always the case, I was sparked as a child’s and even then I knew that my mother was taking out her unhappiness and frustration with her life on me and whilst I have forgiven her I have not forgotten it
Also spanking must stop at a certain age and if it’s the only way to reach your kids then I’m sorry you are doing something wrong , I once had neighbors who spanked thier children almost every single day ( the kids were terrors ) but clearly the daily spankings weren’t working
Did they spank the kids because they were “terrors” or were the kids “terrors” because their parents were physically abusive?
That’s. My point exactly hence me saying if you are spanking everyday ( especially in anger) you are doing something wrong )
If you put your hands on a fellow adult, for any reason, it’s a crime called assault, but if you physically hit a small, defenseless child in your care, it’s nothing but a disciplinary prerogative? Nope.
Spanking isn’t a “mommy war” debate. It’s wrong. Period. EVERY study has shown it’s harmful to varying degrees. It’s like climate change and the earth being round—a proven, scientific fact. Spanking not only doesn’t work, but actually has the opposite effect of curbing misbehavior.
Spanking is not cute and never OK. Don’t believe me, some random Internet lady? That’s all well and good, but check with the experts. The most recent, in-depth, long-term scientific study on the effects of spanking just released results last November. There were many articles breaking down those findings. Here’s one of the best …
https://www.wsj.com/articles/spanking-for-misbehavior-it-causes-more-1513267680
DISCLAIMER: I was, occasionally, spanked as a child. I don’t think it “harmed” me, per se, yet I’d never do it to my own children. I have three children under ten, including two boys who could be politely referred to as “challenging.” We are FAR from perfect parents, and my general parenting motto is that most of us are doing our very best and should spend more time worrying about your own parenting, rather than everyone else’s. I have never spanked, or otherwise used physical discipline own my children, and I never will. When you know better, do better.
If another adult is doing something wrong, or dangerous, is it OK to punch them? Or “give them a little pop,” or “swat,” just to let them know? (The cutesy terms … Ugh. Hitting is hitting.) That’d be crazy to do a stranger, right? But what if it’s someone you know, and love? Like, is it OK for a husband to give a wife a little slap when she insults him? After all, that’s rude and uncalled for, right? Or, heck, what if the wife is doing something dangerous? Can the husband hit her then? This was once accepted behavior in our society. Is anyone gonna’ argue for, ‘My dad smacked my mom sometimes time, but it wasn’t abusive and only as a last resort.’? Thought not. Because: When you know better, do better.
Great post! Completely agree.
Great post indeed. Thanks! All the folks who say “I was spanked and I’m okay” have to stop and think that if they were NOT spanked they would still be okay. It wasn’t the spanking that made them okay. It was that they grew up in a culture that validated it, and they weren’t assaulted to the level of child abuse – which many children are. Many parents abuse their children under the “cover” story of spanking and discipline.
Yes, I am nodding at your comments WATP.
Spanking doesn’t make you who you are or teach you how to stay in line.
Rather you act well when you have your basic needs met -Consistent food, clean water, clothing, heat, ability to sleep and feel safe and that your parents and family are there for you. Being cared for and respected for for who you are helps you to grow and reach your potential as a human.
Too bad it took abuse to teach me that lesson, but better late than never.
In my fishbowl Rochester NY,I went to a almost 80% black school were we all had at least two things in common, a large majority of us didn’t have a father in the household and we all got spanked.
I have no issue popping an small child on the hand. Not hard, no yanking them, just to say, “do not do that again or this will happen”
I never have to pop my kids more than once for them to get the idea. I was spanked from a toddler up to maybe 15. For me, it didn’t do anything but make me hurt for an bit but I then went on to be a teenager and get in trouble anyway. It solved nothing. Spanking however effects people differently. There were times were my mom took things way too far. Mostly on my brother and I know he has resentment at her for it and so do I. So I do “spank” my kids, but I’d never used a belt or force. I mostly talk to them or warn them, which seems to work best for them.
I do agree you have no idea how spanking will effect a child. But I see no issues with little pops on the hand when they are young, especially in extreme cases. Like, say your toddler is playing with a socket. I don’t know. I will never beat them with a belt and even the pops will stop when they get older. I always explain to them what they did wrong and why they shouldn’t do it.Raise your kids how you want to, however the results are on you as the parents.
I don’t even consider what I do spanking. It’s just a pop that probably doesn’t hurt my toddlers hand but I guess it’s the “I did something wrong” that makes my toddler cry. She cries when she can’t so something the way she feels it should be done., but she’s 4 now and I haven’t had to pop her since she was 3. My 5 year old is like that too. However, I do feel bad now because of this thread.
Yeah, I wish I never wrote anything. I do not want to be called a bad mother or abuser. I grew up differently the most people here (in a black single mother household) I agree that as kids gets older spanking is useless. I have popped my toddlers in extreme cases then explain to them why they shouldn’t do certain things, mainly dangerous things. But maybe I’m wrong in doing so. Just skip my comment.
Reading these threads I’m glad that I have not popped my children in a year. I will stop. My kids aren’t scared of me and talking to them works better anyway. Especially since they are getting older. So while I’ll never judge (or even ask) parents for there choices in parenting, I think I’ve already unknowingly changed mine because it’s been a year since it happened.
Anagram thanks for your honesty. I don’t judge you as a bad mother. I am really cheered you are willing to reassess. Thanks for reading.
Learning, growing and looking at things differently is always a good thing. If this causes you to do a little research and reassess and reflect on your actions, and maybe set a new tone for future ones with your children and, hopefully, eventually, THEIR children, you’ll get zero shade from me. If you simply don’t want to actually consider what you did, well, that’s another story, but I certainly have hope from your comments here that it’s the former.
Don’t blindly accept the judgement of anyone, online or in real life, but taking in criticism and seeing if it has value through your own insight and research is certainly valuable and, in this case especially, I hope continues. Even if you’re no longer spanking your kids, you can still make a difference by talking to them now, and in the future, and hopefully breaking that cycle.
Dupe, sorry.
Don’t be ashamed. In your original post, it sounded as though it makes you uneasy and probably just needed a little nudge to bring up the memories of how you felt about your mother to make a decision about the issue.
Today is a new day, and you can do it differently now and even explain to them and apologize if that is what you feel like doing.
I never loved my parents more than when they admitted they were wrong and validated my feelings and apologized. It feels so good when a parent does that, and it really can reset everything.
It made me feel so close to them, and it made me see them as people and have more concern about their feelings outside of my egocentric child mind.
All childhood development theorists would say alot different. All it does is teach fear. Saying “I did fine in life and I feel fine about it,” is a really poor excuse to hit another Human being. Violence on any level only teaches violence. That quotes come to mind “don’t raise you’re children the same way you where raised”.
I would agree with that. In retrospect, I can see how the fear of being the physical punishment caused me to hide things from my parents and lie to them. To this day, in their eighth decade, I don’t feel that I can have an honest conversation with them there’s just a basic level of distrust and resentment.
Yes exactly, parents are there to teach children about emotions and how to deal with. Not hit them because a toddler is having alot of emotions that day. The theory that spanking or whatever people want to call it to make more acceptable to them works in the short or long term it’s like no one actually has any understanding if childhood development. Those early years are so important!!
Hitting a child is a gut-level betrayal that’s (almost or entirely) impossible to get past.
Obviously she’s not supporting child abuse nor does it sound like she’s abusing her daughter so however she wants to discipline her child is her business. I’m sure others will disagree and swear their way is the right way but whatever. I wouldn’t share with the world my views considering all the judgement but again whatever
Some parents will take what she’s saying as a way to justify abuse. She’s also ignorant of the increasing number of laws passed against corporal punishment of children. Clearly many legislative bodies in the US and other advanced nations have listened to experts and found it against the morality that we want enshrined in law.
Which laws becase as of now it is techinically not illegal to spank your kids in all 50 states as long as the punishment is reasonable. You are not allowed to use a closed fist or cause injury or certain objects.
They may be moving in a direction to ban it but as of now it is only banned in most schools in the US. I’m not speaking on other countries which I know have banned it.
When I first had kids there was a little spanking involved. I’m still ok with a little pat on the butt of a toddler who has run into the middle of the street, but the reality is spanking is not effective. It only causes your kids to resent you, not trust that you have their best interests at heart.
Her remarks – and a lot of the comments in this section – make me sick. I truly believe that parents who hit their kids (and yes, you can call it “spanking” all you want to make it sound cuter and less severe, but the fact is, you’re hitting your children) are parents who’ve lost control and thus show their kids that when you lose control you resort to physical violence. Something that would never be accepted or tolerated towards another adult but apparently is a-okay when it comes to your kids. These young souls who trust and love you more than anyone in the world and who are supposed to feel safer with you than with anyone else. You hit them. It is such a cowardly, loser thing to do and such a horrible thing to teach your kids. That they’re not worthy of the respect you show all the other people you don’t hit.
Of course I grew up in a country where hitting your kids has been illegal for decades so my view on this matter is obviously a little more civilized than Clarkson’s. I have lost so much respect for her.
Thanks. People living inside a violent culture find it hard to see what it looks like from the outside.
Once I saw a woman on TV who spanked and then she caught herself in the mirror doing it and was horrified by the sight of her child cowering in fear and terror. It looks horrible.
I was spanked as a child and I absolutely do have ill will towards my parents. I learned from fear not to do things that would make them hit me but I can remember with clarity almost every time they hit me or my siblings.
This is why it is terrible. Maybe one child moves on but why risk that your child isn’t one of the ones who move on if you believe in spanking. How would it feel to know one of your children grew up to think of you as you think about your parents, Busy bee.
I used to feel sorry for seniors in nursing homes who no one came to visit who had kids and I sometimes still do until a woman I was all judgy about told me she didn’t attend her father because he was a cold, autocratic disciplinarian as a parent. She didn’t feel moved to go out of her way to visit him because she wasn’t attached to him. Others have told me similar things. I am sure some parents are legit ignored, but I don’t jump to that conclusion anymore.
I don’t have much of an opinion on spanking children (wasn’t spanked, don’t have kids so can’t really say how I’d raise them), but I DO know that when I was researching dog trainers for my dogs, one of the key things I looked for was someone who uses positive reinforcement rather than punishment. The idea of someone even so much as swatting my dogs behind doesn’t sit well with me,,, so I can’t get my head around people being ok with their kid being hit – especially by another adult!
You have to be careful with trainers of all animals. I would lose it if someone hit my dog. I don’t even want to think about it.
Spanked as a child, the last time it happened I was around 10 or so, and occasionally with a belt. Usually by my dad. Mom used to slap me, once slapped a loose tooth out of my mouth. I just remember the fear and hatred I felt afterwards, not trying to correct my behavior. One day during a fight they threatened to slap/spank me and I told them I would hit them back and it never happened again.
I tried the “I’ll hit you back” with my parents, they said they’d call the cops on me for assault. My mom was big on “I only spank you because I love you,” and I eventually told her she only spanks us because she never had any better ideas. It was either get hit, get grounded in our house, sometimes both. But knowing how each of my parents went through childhood- my mom was mostly neglected by both parents, my dad and his brothers were literally lined up and beaten for things like leaving a toy out. My mom was quicker to hit us, I’m sure she broke my nose a time or two, because it wasn’t crooked when I was little. My dad, it took a lot for him to get to that point, but when he did, it was bad. If we called it child abuse in the moment, they mocked us/reminded us that it was being done out of love. But time and learning confirm, there was a lot of physical abuse in my house growing up. And it absolutely affects how a person deals with things, and I see so much of my dad in myself this way, that I’ll yell about anything, but once I’ve been pushed past whatever line, my first instinct is to want to go ballistic on whatever/whoever. It’s kind of scary. I hate that, in dealing with my niece, who is the closest little human to me ever having my own that I’ll likely get, I’ve threatened to spank her, because she is difficult and rambunctious and still very much testing the limits at age five. It’s that ingrained as the first go-to. I’m working on it though, if she refuses to eat, fine. She just doesn’t eat.
Parenting is a hard and thankless job and my hat’s off to anyone who is actively trying to do their best, and even better, doing their best and not listening to that effing Dr Dobson. His opinion mattered too much to my mother, and I suffered a lot from that, too.
Oh Lord. A light swap to get their attention (likely on a butt padded by diapers anyway) is seriously not like sending a 10-year-old out to the woods to get a switch. I mean please. Props to her for having the guts to just say it. People don’t have to agree, and can certainly raise their kids differently if they so choose. But a swat on the behind to get their attention is not a “whoopin.” People need to seriously calm tf down over this. I know I was spanked a few times, or my parents claimed I was, but I literally don’t remember any. At that age, if you have an especially defiant child, they’re aren’t necessarily “plenty of other ways to discipline.” That comes when they’re older – I used to joke I got my son electronics so I’d have something to take away as punishment. Tell that defiant three-year-old who’s probably not caring about an iPad too much, to take a time out – I promise you, that kid is not going to give af about your time out. An especially rambunctious kid will be out of that corner and doing exactly what he/she was doing before in two seconds. You gonna duct tape ’em to the wall? No, because THAT’S child abuse.
An especially rambunctious, defiant child is only like to become a rambunctious, defiant, VIOLENT child after being treated that way by a parent.
Any tips for said child?
Then you’re not using it to get their attention, you’re using it to punish so they won’t do it again. Because if it’s for the attention, that means you’re following up with something else. Are you? No, the “swat” or whatever IS the disciplinary measure and that means you don’t know what else do to. That’s on you. Plenty of parents manage without hitting their kids, rambunctious or not. If it’s legal where you are, fine. Do it. But don’t downplay it then. Have “the guts” to admit that your only option is physical.
And btw, if the kid is 3, don’t they go to kindergarten? How do the teachers there discipline him? Would it be fine if they swatted them?
Three year olds are not in kindergarten. In the US at least they must be 5 to start kindergarten.
It’s still common among the uneducated and poor, especially here in the south. It’s actually popular in the lower class of society because no one learned there was a better way to parent. Spanking is 100% unnecessary if you discipline your child properly and create and environment of mutual love and respect. Fear through violence should never be used to control a child.
Don’t know if there is any research to support what you are stating regarding the socio-economic level of people that spank, but I know plenty of people who are well-educated and wealthy, doctors even, who still use or at least advocate physical discipline.
+100 I highly doubt that there’s proof that only uneducated and poor people spank their kids, because it’s not true
I am certainly not an advocate for spanking but your disdain for the lower class is quite obvious . Cuz of course the poors never learned to parent eye roll There are a lot of low class parents who are good parents and raise healthy well adjusted kids and a lot of rich middle class kids who raise disrespectful entitled bratty children who are dishonest and never learn accountability cuz Mom and Dad will bail them out. See affluenza kid, The Trumps, a prep school rapists etc.
Don’t you sound delightfully judgy, alot of rich people hit there kids don’t assume it’s only poor people.
The class-ism in these comments are astounding.
I know “educated”, “high income” people who use physical violence to punish their young children. They were also hit by their educated, upper middle class parents. Turning this into a classist thing is wrong because it happens amongst all socio-economic groups.
I know this topic is controversial….but there are better ways to discipline your child. When they act out, it’s usually from something that stems deeper. From my personal experience, I was spanked. I got so used to the pain that I continued to act out because I was angry. From that, my hair got pulled, I was hit harder. I learned to block out the pain. I never felt secure or safe as a child. This has affected me deeply throughout my life. Just like Kelly, I rationalized it to “Oh I deserved it. I wasn’t hit that hard, it’s fine.” But it’s not ok. A 5 year old perceives this pain differently from an adult. Anyways, just wanted to share my experience, and hopefully shed some light on it. Therapy has helped me come to terms with this, and I will never ever lay my hands on my child.
No one spanks their kid when they are calm. They spank their children in anger, which is truly terrifying; taking advantage of their physical and positional power over a little person. I have four kids. I do not spank.
The point of any discipline or behavior correction should be “actions have consequences”. How to communicate that will vary depending on the situation and the perpetrator. I guess I just don’t understand why it’s always such a Bad Thing. My parents set and enforced rules. There were consequences for breaking the rules or for particularly egregious behavior. I was never disciplined out of nowhere and there was always a very definite escalation of 1-2-3. Asked to stop, told to stop, and whap! Or as I got older, there were other and more appropriate consequences for 3.
I train animals, and the 1-2-3 method works well. Physical discipline is a tool I like having at my disposal. I very rarely use it, but on the rare occasions I do pull it out it’s extremely effective. Some people think I’m abusive, but my animals all have good manners while more often then not theirs run all over them, which in the case of large animals is extremely dangerous. I think it’s dangerous to let kids run all over you too because they don’t stay small and harmless. My goal is *always* to never have to do more than ask, and everything I do works towards that goal. But you have to be ready to back it up, or there’s no reason for anyone to listen to you. How you back it up depends very largely on the situation, the subject, and the circumstances.
“Some people think I’m abusive” … That’s the key, right there. You know what it is.
We have very polite, well-behaved animals — much more reliably so than our kids, actually — and we’ve never hit them either. Never would. Fear isn’t respect. Fear isn’t love. Hitting isn’t OK.
I think part of the problem here is that people think “beating in anger” when they see the words “physical discipline”. I very rarely hit anything. In fact I don’t remember the last time I did so.
I say “some” because it’s the truth. Most people do not think I’m abusive. There are a few who do. Mostly because they believe that any correction of any kind is abuse. I set and enforce boundaries. One time, on a very windy day, a horse was playing up while I was leading it to the pasture and ignoring me so I gave it one short, sharp jerk on the lead rope to bring its attention back to me before it ran me over. That, according to one woman, was abuse. Another lady told me I abused my horse because I didn’t tie the horse to the tie rail, just draped the rope over the rail. Another time I said “quit!” to a horse for not standing still while I was working on its hoof (a thing this horse had been well trained to do) and was told I was abusive. One of these people has been put in the hospital multiple times by her horse because she refuses to set and enforce boundaries. Another complimented me frequently (and genuinely with a touch of jealousy) on my horse’s good manners.
I think the problem here is that people seem to think you can hit kids, or animals, both defenseless creatures in our care, and think it’s somehow justifiable and OK.
Do you want to be hit? To be hurt by someone larger and more powerful than you? Someone you love and depend on for the things that sustain your very existence, like food and shelter? Even if you did actually do something quantifiably wrong? I sure don’t! If the next time you “jerk” or otherwise hit your pet and they bite you, that’s cool, right? I mean, they’re just correcting your actions they see as wrong, so you won’t be mad, right? And, like, it’s totally OK if it’s a gentle bite, and it’s not their bad if what a horse defines as “gentle” isn’t the same as a human, right?
To take it back to the actual subject at hand, children … My oldest son once slapped me across the face in Target when I said no to getting him a toy. He was maybe 3, at the time, but it hurt. I was STUNNED. I was angry. I think I said something not wholly appropriate like, ‘Child, have you lost your damn mind?’ But what I did NOT do, is hit him back … Because what would that teach? Like the dog that bites, he was reacting in anger because it’s an instinctual human reaction to fight that which we don’t want to occur. As adults we’re wiser, more reasonable and know those animal-level instincts aren’t acceptable in society. We use words and non-violent actions to express our anger and frustration. Do I always use those things correctly? Nope.
That day I picked up my son and carried him out of Target, while he kicked and screamed and generally pummeled and abused me the whole time. A lady stopped me and said, ‘Don’t hurt him.’ (I didn’t. I wouldn’t. But I sure wasn’t feeling kindly towards advice at that moment; I can’t remember what I said, but it was, shall we say, curt.) I put him in the car. Strapped him into his carseat. And then stood outside the car — mild, spring day, FYI — pacing and breathing deeply, while he screamed bloody murder. Eventually, I calmed down enough to realize I’d left my diaper bag, including my wallet, in the cart I’d abandoned to carry my son out. I seriously considered just leaving it, but I got him out of the car, carried him back through Target, where he resumed wailing, carried him back out and then we went home. Eventually my son went silent and I don’t think I spoke to him for 10 minutes or more, which probably scared him as much as anything.
Guess what? He never slapped me again! Is this because I’m a super parent who nailed that interaction? Umm, no. I can think of 50 ways I could have handled it far better. But it’s also not because I spanked him, gave him “a little pop”, or “a swat to get his attention” or a “bit of a jerk,” or whatever euphemism for physical violence against children you employ.
Of course I don’t want to be hit, but it was extremely easy to make that not happen. Firstly I could follow the rules. If I chose not to or forgot about the rules, I could heed the multiple warnings. This was the model in my family. This is not true for others. I am not advocating for repeated violence or lashing out in anger. Nor am I saying that physical consequences belong anywhere near the beginning of a correction. That gets you nowhere and teaches nothing.
A lot of punishments people are describing here are disturbing. Highly disturbing. Multiple beatings? Welts? Hit with objects? Hit in anger? No consistency in punishments? Hit often? Yeah, no. But I think it gets taken too far in that any and all physical discipline must be bad. I disagree. I think it has its place. That place is limited and requires judgement, but it does exist.
We seem to have very different experiences and definitions of what constitutes discipline. I am thinking of calm, predetermined consequences for certain actions that are well established and consistent. Consistency is key, or consequences mean little. I decide well ahead of time where a boundary is, I teach that boundary incrementally, reward good behavior, redirect bad behavior, and only once the lesson is firmly in place are there punishments for breaking it. And even then, there are warnings given and the chances to correct are ample. The only exception to this is if one of us is in mortal peril and whatever it is needs to be stopped that moment or one of us will be severely injured. I’ve been there. Not fun. Not pretty. I strive to avoid these situations but life is unpredictable sometimes. I don’t even really look at that as discipline, more of survival.
If I get angry, it means I’m human. It also means I screwed up somewhere or moved too fast or ran out of knowledge on how to deal with a problem. It happens, and I dare anyone to say they’ve never experienced it. Choosing to act in anger is another matter. Anger has no place in teaching or discipline. People get that wrong with unfortunate and horrible frequency. But I also see far too many people who do not understand boundaries, who cannot establish their own nor respect those of other people. They worry about being perceived as rude for enforcing reasonable boundaries, completely lack the knowledge of what a reasonable boundary is, or get mad when there are consequences for crossing the boundaries of others. This is a reasonably simple concept that we all should be learning in childhood, and I often wonder if there’s a big thing we’re missing here with all our philosophies and studies and anecdotes.
@Wren … Nope, I’m super clear, hitting is wrong, be it with a belt, a hand, a “light smack”, a “pop” on the bottom, a “tiny slap,” or however your want to justify it. Physical punishment is never, ever OK, most particularly when used on smaller, weaker and physically and mentally developed individuals, a.k.a. children.
Hitting. Is. Wrong.
We are just going to have to disagree, then, and I’m fine with that.
My mother was beaten with anything her father could get his hands on growing up. She had said luckily in Korea the school uniform had long socks required. It allowed her to cover the welts & bruising that had developed from “being disciplined”. Even though she distinctly remembered the pain, humiliation, & anger, she used the same methods on us kids. It went from slapping me in the face to shut me up from crying at 18 mos. old to pulling a gun on me @ 14 after I ran away & locked myself in my room after she repeatedly hit me for not folding laundry. I know for a fact the pain she felt lingered into her abusing us. There is definitely a cycle. She would tell us what happened to her her as a child & compare it to what she had done to us. We we’re constantly told that we had it easy. It needs to stop. Period
I consider a spanking is just a swat on the butt or hand. What you and your mother went through wasn’t spanking, it was being tortured and beaten. Nobody should be treated like you were, and no matter what their age, it would be too scary to imagine. Being beaten like that is completely different than a hand swatting the butt
But I think that is the issue – who defines what is a “normal” bearing, or how much pain or force is being transmitted by the hand swat on the butt, and last but not least what avenue does the child have to complain? They are defenseless.
I wasn’t spanked growing up but there was one instance in my childhood I remember vividly when my mother belted me “slightly”. My brother and I had been running around our house, chasing each other, screaming, slamming doors, while my mother slept in her room. Our nanny kept telling us to lower it down, but we were children, maybe 6 and 4. I’ll never forget the shame, anger and hatred I felt the moment the belt hit my legs. The second it ended my mother realised what she had done and spent a lot of time crying and apologising, and never did it again. We have forgiven her, but we still remember the pain.
To grow up repeatedly spanked? I don’t even want to imagine who I would be.
I don’t understand how people can still think that hitting a child is acceptable discipline. If you hit your spouse or another adult, or another person’s child for that matter, for behaving in a way that you felt was unacceptable, you’d be charged with assault if they reported you, yet you can slap or hit a smaller, vulnerable person in your care and be almost smug about your right to do so. There’s nothing brave about her admitting to hitting her children and when people say “I was spanked and I grew up fine” I want to say, “No you didn’t. You grew up to be someone who thinks it’s okay to hit children”.
Oh boo. My 3 year old peed on the floor in the living room because she didn’t want to stop playing an Xbox game or some nonsense, and I calmly told her to clean it and then she would get spanked. 3 -3finger light taps on the bottom. In the same weekend she was throwing her usual dinner tantrum, and I calmly walked her to her room to calm down until she could rejoin the family. I was spanked as a kid with a switch, and I will not repeat that. But open hand spanks or taps is not the end of the world. I think most important is to address the behavior from a place of calm at these early ages.
How on earth can you “calmly” raise a hand in violence to your own child? Like it or not, no matter how lightly you hit or how few fingers you use, you are resorting to violence.
You can also take the xbox away and make her clean up her pee with you.
So theoretically you are supposed to wait until your anger has dissipated before you spank your kids, who is really going to calm down and spank when they are thinking with a level head?
What person when thinking clearly is going to hit another person for punishment? It would seem after the initial bout of anger has passed the urge to spank the kid would too.
My truth is difficult to confess.
I was spanked, and I am not okay.
Although I too am a ‘well rounded person’ with integrity who practices charity and puts out great efforts daily in my own community, who does not use corporal punishments with her children and favors open communication; and yet, the physical abuse I suffered under the guise of discipline still haunts my heart and I continue to feel the effects as they reverberate throughout my life.
Many of us were spanked and are not okay. My siblings certainly are not okay either and I truly believe that corporal punishments being normalized in our household was detrimental to our development.
Thank you for sharing this. I too was spanked and I am not okay. Took me years to heal.
I was never spanked, and didn’t spank my boys. If anyone else had ever hit one of them I would have gone batshit crazy on them. My husband never spanked, but for the opposite reason from me. He was spanked (hit) often, and with a belt. He loved his father, but he never wanted our boys to have that horrible fear and anxiety he had while waiting for his spanking. His mother would send him to his room and tell him to wait until his father got home…awful.
I am older than many of you, so here’s a little history lesson. Starting with junior high, boys were routinely “paddled” here and in my husband’s hometown. The principal usually administered the whipping, and they used a wooden paddle. Some had special paddles with holes drilled in them so it would hurt more. It hurt badly, left bruises, and the boys then had to return to class and try not to show their tears. It was awful for the whole class. I never remember anyone teasing them, at least not the same day. About 30 years ago corporal punishment was outlawed here. I truly think that those bastards with the holes drilled in their paddles should have been charged with assault. BTW at my husband’s high school the paddle not only had holes, but the name “Board of Education” on it. He says the paddle was about 3 feet long so that the principal could really get some force behind it. This was not unusual in most high schools in Texas.
Thank God it was outlawed before my sons were in school. If anyone had hit my boys I would have lost my mind. I know that there were parents older than me who worked hard on getting corporal punishment outlawed. Bless them.
I spanked my kid a couple of times when she did something really bad. One time we were walking in a parking lot holding hands and she ripped her hand from mine and bolted. In a parking lot where cars were coming and going. And my grip had been firm so I don’t know how she managed to pull away. It was the fear of what could have happened that made me spank her. She had on pull up diapers and was probably three. I didn’t hit hard but because I’d never done it before, she was shocked. She never pulled a stunt like that again. I can honestly say I don’t regret my action.
I don’t have kids so I have no idea what child rearing is like nowadays. Talking about my own childhood, my parents were BIG spankers. As someone mentioned above, wooden spoon (check), Dad’s belt (check), slapped across the face (check), all kinds of fun punishment. My mom was a big fan of grabbing me by my hair and escorting me to my room. If I were to call my parents tonight, could I accuse them of being abusive? I never felt that way then and I don’t now as an adult. I wonder what they would think. They both went to Catholic school where they were hit by nuns and the like. This is very interesting to me.
I would invite you to be curious and visit a therapist. What I found was I used to say I was spanked and was fine, but once I talked about it, I really wasn’t fine. I ama guessing your family isn’t the best at dealing with emotions either (no judgment!), or maybe you don’t quite feel fine or safe wirh intimacy, or you really like to drink /do drugs to take the edge off (again, no judgment here).There are lots of ways for it to bubble up. I could be wrong and that is fine.
But mostly I felt like I couldn’t trust people and be me for fear of being hurt? If you feel fine, your call. Not trying to make you feel or be anything you are not.
“My mom would call the principal if I ever ended up in the principal’s office and give permission for her to spank me…”
This is the only thing I found problematic. If I’m the parent, I will do the spanking. I’m not giving anyone else permission to do it. Other than that, I don’t have a firm opinion on spanking. I am not a parent and I don’t know if I ever will spank my kids.
As a person who was abused as a child I find parents who use their size and strength against or to discipline their child to be horrible. My mother beat the crap out of me, my first memory is of her dragging me off my little tricycle by my hair and slaming my face into the concrete. Now granted most people on this thread who are saying they spank thier kids aren’t to the level my mother was. Many on this thread say they spank thier children who are still to young to understand reasoning. If your child is to young to understand reasoning than they are to young to understand why you spanked them. A young child learns right from wrong or the rules of your home by watching and listening to you. I as parent do my best to show them and explain why things are wrong. When my oldest son was three when we went to the bank as I was depositing a check he ran into the street behind me. As some said up thread I could have spanked him but instead explained to him why not to do that and how the other cars couldn’t see him. We walked around the whole parking lot and I showed him how he was smaller than the hoods of all the cars. Being a parent is hard work and you have to be in constant and consistent in your parenting.
Welp I just KNEW this story would be lightning rod for arguments, outrage, and mommy shaming. I guarantee for all the 150 comments vehemently against spanking that there are probably an equal (silent) amount in favor of spankings but scared to be labeled child abusers on the internet. Spanking and whoopings are common not just in southern households but more so culturally within the Black and Hispanic community. Aside from the sweeping generalization- spankings occur everywhere although it may be more socially acceptable in the south.
Thankfully I’m childless and have no stake in this fight. I can see both sides of the argument but don’t see the need to be so harsh to each other either.
This. People who are anti spanking are out here diagnosing people who have experienced growing up being spanked as in denial, aggressive and violent and will likely abuse their children. WTF? People are different though just because you were traumatized not everyone is gonna get traumatized. I’ve never hit any animal nor other people no matter how rude or disrepectful they are. I’ve never hit my niece who’s 4 and an annoying spoiled brat. I do not like violence. But hey, if these studies says I will turn out violent and will hit children in the future, it must be true, right? Because it’s a study? Lol.
Incredibly strange how so many people find it more vile to be anonymously “shamed” online for hitting children, than actually hitting a child.
To me it’s an easy call and bright line. Hitting anyone, but especially defenseless children, is bad. Period. No matter how hard. No matter how come. Violence is NEVER the answer. If me saying that makes someone feel shame or outrage that I dare comment on their life, I’m 100% fine with it.
Exactly! These people are rationalizing and defending hitting children. Oh, how dare people Mommy Shame them? If they feel shame, then they obviously know that what they are doing is wrong. Just because something is a regional or cultural norm, doesn’t make it acceptable. My parents went to Catholic school at a time when kids got the strap or the paddle for minor infractions. It was the norm. It doesn’t make it okay and it isn’t allowed any more for that very reason. This isn’t a breast feed or you are a bad Mother scenario. This is a completely different thing.
“I was spanked and I turned out fine.”Give the woman an hour with a psychiatrist and I bet he/she would find a huge load of anger hidden in there.
I love Kelly, but this is one of my most despised comments. There are successful people who were beaten as children, locked in closets, molested, born drug positive, etc. It’s how people excuse away smoking while pregnant, spanking their children, etc.
Well. Childless woman here.
However i have raised twin boys (nephews) and oh boy did I lose my shit. Literally every day coming back from school they had forever ruined something of mine. i can say that i have spanked their bottom only a couple of times, but mostly got the respect being absolutely stern, firm when necessary – no negotiation, OR ELSE without using my hands. And they have the utmost respect and love for me till this day (now 18). And i have showered then with love as well.
I will say that although I get the fact that it has negative impact on children, I think that even when parents disciplin without physical harm, the fear they instill can be just as damaging. I used to fear my dad, and it crippled me to an extent. And I know fully grown adults who were raised to be terrified of their parents. To this day.
On the other hand… some kids are monsters, impossible to contain, no alternative spank-less disciplin method works and I just see their parents losing it, losing their youth and their minds because no psychologist, no timeouts, nothing works.
Some kids are just too much and i think it might be unfair if a parent loses their cool once or twice and suddenly they are child abusers.
Lets exercise some compassion here…
Im sure KC means gentle spanking and not terror inducing crippling violence against her kids.
I think we should give her points for a) not pushing her way on others and b) knowing her way isn’t for everyone.
I don’t have kids, so my view of this is limited. I grew up with one abusive parent and still don’t have an issue with a rare spanking or threat of spanking. Is that ideal? No, I don’t think so. Is that threat what worked to get your kid to behave out in public? If yes, I won’t judge. I don’t know. I just don’t think it’s the worst parenting strategy that ever existed, when used sparingly. That said, I don’t think I’d do it. But I don’t see it as cancel-Kelly-material.
My dad was badly physically abused(hit, punched, thrown through doors) and refused to spank or lay a hand on us ever. We had other things to fear. No pool time, no summer vacation, grounded from life basically, no cheerleading for games, etc. when we were grounded it was like prison. I also refuse to spank or threaten violent toward my own children. My husband is different. He grew up getting the belt if he was bad and thinks it made him the responsible amazing man he is today(he is truly the most caring, kind person I know). Our children aren’t old enough but we tak constantly about how this is unacceptable and I can’t get him to ‘get it’. Lord help me if he ever took a belt to our kids when they are older….I would step in front of that shit and we would go rounds. This is coming from someone who has never been punched or thrown a punch. Not my kids.
I swatted boyspawn once when he was about to run out into a parking lot. He was 5. While he continued to occasionally run ahead of me, I never hit him again. I felt so guilty… I still do. It was an impulse moment of terror (for me) and instead of making it a learning experience, I undoubtedly am the one who made HIM scared in that moment, not the actual situation. I have never hit any of my children since. I do not recommend spanking as any kind of an effective tool, both in my professional capacity or as a parent.
I just always found with my three girls that it was way more effective to take something away (even when they were small) like a favorite toy, TV time or as they got older the beloved cell phone, than to hit them. I just couldn’t bear to hit my child, trust me when I say there were times they made me so angry that I had to just walk away or when, especially as teens, they would be so mouthy that I had to leave the room…sure, I wanted to slap their face, but I just couldn’t do it. It just seems so sad to me to hit on someone that I fought so hard to have! So while, I love Kelly and respect her opinion, I really wish she had just kept this to herself.
I’m obviously the minority here but like Kelly, idc. I also believe in spanking if it’s warranted and that differs greatly from abuse. And if anyone were to tell me they were/are the perfect parent who raised/raises their child perfectly right & feels the need to express their opinion about it I’d laugh out loud. To each his/her own…studies schmudies. Like Kelly I too was spanked as a kid & did not become this aggressive, violent, emotionally tormented individual. Gasp!
Yes you did. YOU HIT CHILDREN AND THINK NOTHING OF IT OR IT”s IMPACT .That is violent. There is no non-violent hitting. You’ve just chosen to normalize it. You are keeping the cycle of abuse going .
We’re still on this. How about you raise your kid(s) your way and let others raise theirs the way they choose
There s is a huge difference between abuse and spanking. Abusing children is disgusting but spanking in my opinion is not abuse it’s spanking. I was spanked as a child it didn’t cause me to react positively or negatively to anything but it made me as a child learn much faster that something is wrong then my parents teling me to go to my bedroom. Kids today are so disrespectful to adults. Honestly what is ur reaction to a child who hits you? Or a child who hits another child? Or a child who curses at you? To send them to their room and think about what they did? Now a days u can’t even tell at ur child before people wanna scream out abuse meanwhile ur kids are over here yelling at you and controlling the house. I understand people who don’t want to hit their child and actually able to find the best ways to teach a child to learn from their mistakes kudos to you but I will never understand anyone who let’s their child be a terror to anyone (like those uncontrollable children at the mall who don’t listen to their parents because they know nothing is gonna happening them) all the while talking about how spanking or how other parents choose to raise their children is abuse
Honestly, it depends on the child. Sadly it seems that horrible, mean, selfish and spoiled kids usually get zero punishment from their parents and kind, sweet, shy and well-behaved kids get punished for ridiculous reasons.
I agree that laying your hand on a child is wrong. I was spanked and beaten by my mom as a kid and those were the most terrible and terrifying moments of my life. I was literally afraid of her for many years, all she had to do was to look at me angrily and I’d completely be terrified. But I mean it got her the results she wanted, I always unequivocally listened to her, did what she said and never ever went against her will because I was terrified of making her angry. I think that saved me from a lot of things as a teenager because by nature I was/am a very rebellious, rude and stubborn person who won’t listen to others easily and she found a way to get around that.
I guess what I’m saying is, there’s no right answer. There are some horrible kids out there who deserve strict punishment of some sort because they’re just crappy human beings. There are also fantastic kids who deserve nothing but kindness and love. But hey, just like with the adult versions, life is rarely fair.
I agree with you.
I think it really depends on the child. Some children require more discipline and stricter parenting depending on their temperament, others are deeply sensitive. I worked in schools for 7 years, and the kids were pretty awful and disrespectful to the teachers. It made me not want to have kids, and it made me feel that punishment/consequences should be stricter within the household environment. Not to sound like an old fart, but kids these days…the level of disrespectful behavior we are witnessing in schools did not exist in the past and I believe it’s because we no longer teach children the consequences of their actions.
Some people take this too far. My mother hit me, slapped me across the face, left hand marks on my arms, and threatened to kill me if I wasn’t quiet while she was a SAHM and watched her soap operas. Needless to say, I am not sure people can know their limits where it leads to abuse. I am opposed to spanking because of it for the trauma she caused me has made me blackout most of my childhood under 11 since it is so unbelievably painful. When asked as an adult why she did that to me, she stated it was all she knew and was raised with. No excuse IMO.
Wait a tic… so which celebrity was hitting chickens with a bat?!
Parenting norms change over time. Around the turn of the century, it was commonly accepted practice to give a colicky baby a little gin to “help him sleep.” I suspect spanking, which as someone pointed out is already illegal in several countries, will be viewed in the same light as gin-dosing in a generation or two. I’m sure plenty of babies who were given gin turned out okay, but if you tried that today, your child would be removed from your care.
I would never hit my kid. No one ever hit me, and I turned out fine.
God I remember spanking in high school! My senior year, my history teacher used to display this flat bat he called the “board of education.” In high school it was always boys who were spanked and Mr. C. always made them sign and date the bat. I remember a nun in first or second grade walloping a kid w/ her bare hand. In fourth grade (public school), a teacher, very tall and a big woman grabbed a kid by the shoulders and shook him hard. All the while, yelling at him nose to nose. A lot of anger and frustration went into corporal punishment in those days. Spanking is barbaric.
Kelly hasn’t been a parent very long (her oldest is three). Let me enlighten her a bit. Usually, when a young child acts out (whether they’re 6 months or 8 years old), it’s usually due to one of these things:
– hungry
– tired
– sick
– angry / sad / upset and doesn’t know how to verbalize their feelings
– wants or needs your attention
Go down the checklist, one at a time, and you’ll find the solution. You may have to go through it several times, especially with very small kids.
If you hit your child to get them to behave, it is usually due to your immaturity as the adult.
Perfectly put!
There is a one bruise policy in U.K. so if a bruise is seen on a non mobile child it’s an automatic referral to a child safe guarding team. Spanking is an atavistic practice which Kelly should not condone as vulnerable parents may be influenced and consequently harm their kids – she should be offering positive alternatives to violence. Hitting is now listed as one of the “ACE” adverse childhood experiences which can lead to lifelong issues.
We have spanked. Not a lot, never in anger, always as a last/serious resort. Controlled 3 swats to the butt. Happens less and less these days and it was never frequent.
I’ve read all the comments with interest. Picked up my kids at the bus stop and asked their thoughts. They are 8 and 10 and very articulate kids with their own opinions and not afraid to express them.
In their words, time outs are never as effective as spankings because being by themselves in their rooms means they can read. They seem to regard spankings as the oh-hell- we-went-way-too-far ultimate punishment, rarely but sometimes necessary.
I never worry we are too hard on our kids. Actually, I fret about the opposite… that we are so happy as a family that my kids aren’t developing resilience.
And the plus side is that if they have spouses who are abusive, they’ll have the resilience to stay, rather than leave the abuse, since their parents taught them that hitting is normal and deserved if they went-way-to-far. Your children are 8 and 10. Do you really think they’d tell parents that hit them as punishment, that they think it’s wrong? You hit your children but say you think you are too easy on them? You are obviously very self congratulatory about your epic parenting so I doubt they’d dare. Articulate or not. If they know you hit them when you’re not happy with them, I doubt they’d use their articulateness to criticize you. Wait until they are adults, out of your home and ask them again.
Thank you Saffron. You saved me the effort of responding.
Judging by the fact that my daughter writes me letters when she disagrees with me… one included the sentence ‘what you said was unacceptable’ … I’m pretty sure they can articulate their own feelings.
As I said before, I read the comments with a completely open mind. The ones that made me think spanking might not be such a great idea were the ones with studies referenced and the ones that sounded like they were written by people who understood that spanking does not equal hitting/invective/abuse scenarios. I’ve honestly never thought it might be harmful. I’ve always thought rage was harmful, and I try like hell never to be crazed and wrathful with my kids. But I’m just a person, figuring life out, and I’m open to thinking I can do things better than my status quo.
Astonishingly, my 8yr old and 10 yr old can disagree with me and others without using derogatory language. It’s something we work on in our home. We don’t all have to agree with each other in this world. but we do have to be respectful of voices different than our own.
You might want to work on that.
She intimated in her E red carpet interview that she let 3-year old River Rose watch Wonder Woman. I think she could make some better parenting choices.
I don’t spank my boys, who are 12 and 22 now
However there were a few times a butt got popped to briskly remind that we don’t go in the street
And a hand would get smacked for messing with the stove.
I saved it for things they could be maimed or killed doing.
And it was so shocking to them because I didn’t hit it was immediately effective.
For everything else spanking does not work, I got hit a lot and it was called spanking.
Spanking is the lazy way
How could she hit a tiny little three year old bottom. That’s so sad.
I remember becoming so enraged once that I hit back.
I knew I would get spanked again and I did it anyway. It was worth it. 10/10 would do it again.
I’m with Kelly. My son is 20 and he was spanked up until the age of 8. We have great relationship. He is intelligent, confident and happy. Spanking is not the first line of action and I used it very sparingly. I am fine with how I raised him. Not a perfect mom, but I tried to do everything with love in mind. So far, so good.
And he’ll probably hit your little grandchildren, if he has them. Are you good with that? There is nothin loving about hitting your child. Nothing.
I was spanked on the bottom with a hand or wooden spoon if I got out of control and to this day don’t resent it or remember much of it because it didn’t hurt for long and got me out of my tizzy.
What I do remember are words. My dad and mom are very judgmental and my father will look down his nose at you if you don’t remember something from grade school (i.e. history). He can be a stuffed shirt, quite frankly. What I remember most was the day he called me an idiot. It was only once but it’s seared into my memory. Him laughing at me when I was anxious over a stomachache is another memory that has lasted. They didn’t understand IBS and how anxiety is linked to it back in the 80s and early 90s.
That’s just my humble opinion on spanking. I think spanks that leave marks and cuts are unacceptable, but a quick slap on the bottom isn’t much to worry about.
My parents used to beat me and I turned out fine. Even my parole officer says I seem like a nice person.
Wow I’m truly shocked by Kelly and the comments. I had no idea anyone spanked anymore, at least not deliberately and intended as discipline. We’re all human and minor acts of frustration (occasional yelling, the odd incident of being rougher than we’d like while putting on a two year old in a snowsuit, than sort of thing) on a parent’s part are normal – not ideal and incidents that deserve some reflection, still normal for most of us – but deliberately hitting a child?! Wow. I don’t know anyone in my generation who would think this is ok. My understanding is that “bad behaviour” is either normal developmental behaviour that is misunderstood by the parents as malicious or some sort of character flaw, or it’s a result of trauma or a neurologial difference. None of which would benefit from treating a child with violence. I thought this was widely accepted now and I’m stunned that it’s not.
Isn’t spanking illegal in many places? I think it is here in Canada. (could be wrong, maybe I’m just assuming because I so strongly think it should be)
Spanking went out of style until this book came out in the US called “Love and Logic” which said you can “spank you child on the butt until he is 5yo” . It was all the rage in my community when my kid was born in 2006. How “logical” is it to set up a pattern of fear for the kid and laziness on the part of the parent. Hello? take away his favorite toy unless he complies, duh, it totally works; they think toys are living things. My friends who gave into this book’s trend had either tantrumy kids or kind of “shut down” kids. Sorry, but I’m a skeptic- I didn’t buy the BS clean burning VW either. I was hit as a kid, for me it was traumatic. Plus a tiny being is so vulnerable…I worked hard to learn to re-direct my kiddo and manage my own frustration.
I was never hit as a child so I can’t comment and I have no children myself but I don’t particularly see the issue with how I perceive spanking, which is a light tap on the hand or butt rather than anything violent or abusive. I’ve always thought of a spank as a ‘short, sharp tap.’
I do remember an incident when my cousin punched me in the arm when we were little (he was not spanked either) and my dad went up to him and punched him in the arm back (not sure how hard but not a full force punch) and said ‘it’s not nice when someone bigger and stronger punches you is it? So don’t hit my daughter’ and my cousin never hit me violently again.
Any violence I experienced in childhood was from my peers i.e. knee biting, having hair pulled etc and I think that regardless of whether children are spanked or not, the aggression and violence comes out in play and behaviour, a bit like how kids play kiss chase to experiment/push boundaries of what they can get away with. This is all figured out in play, which parents may or may not be privy to.
I also think some children seem more traumatised by being sent to the naughty corner or more ’emotional or mental’ forms of discipline. I remember being a fussy child and not wanting to eat my dinner. I wasn’t allowed to leave the table once until I finished a sandwich and I was crying and gagging but my parents said, ‘you need to eat.’ For ages after that I hid my food so I wouldn’t be forced to eat it. I grew out of that, acquired tastes for different foods and have a normal appetite but it can be hard for a parent to know that. What I mean is any form of punishment or discipline can potentially be traumatic to a child. Of course violence is in a league of its own but parents do a great many things to their children that damage them. I know that’s not what this topic is about so a bit of a derail but I do think some people overblow a light spanking but don’t bat an eyelid to not teaching a child life skills, or spoiling them to excess or princessing them until they won’t lift a finger for themselves.
Well that’s incredibly disappointing, both the spanking and the attempts to normalize it. I just lost so much respect for her.
Agreed!
This is what’s wrong with the world. We are giving too many lenientcies to our children and that is why they have no respect. A lil spank on the butt is fine. It’s not like you’re giving a total beat down on your kid. And as one commenter stated, yelling is now mentally damaging?? Are you serious? This is why kids are not afraid and think that they’re infallible. They act up and they know they won’t receive any strong punishment. You must instill discipline and respect. Now I use spanking as my very last resort but I’m not afraid of swatting my daughter’s butt. And no, that’s not sexual abuse either. I do not lay my hand anywhere else besides her behind. I got spanked when I was a kid and guess what? I know to respect my parents and I know there could be strong circumstances for my actions…not everything is sugar coated. Thank you Kelly for not being afraid to be a parent. I admire you for speaking out about this.
Is it respect, or is it fear? I didn’t respect my parents when I was a child because I feared them and knew that what they were doing to me was wrong.
Respect should be earned – not beaten into you.
But a spanking isn’t a beating, not by the definition most posters are referring to.
If your child is too young to understand why you are punishing him or her – thus, not understanding a “time out” – then they are too young to understand why you are hitting them.
Violence is never the answer. I will never watch anything else by her. Being “Southern” isn’t an excuse. I’m Southern, and my parents emotionally and physically abused me. When I recently asked my father why he was so cruel to me, his answer was “that was the way he was raised.”
It’s possible to break the cycle and not hurt your children as you were hurt, Kelly! And no, you’re not a good person if you think that using physical violence against your three year old is okay.
I just wanted to comment that her family has amazing names: River Rose, Remington Alexander and Brandon Blackstock! They sounds like characters in a 70s era spy film! Love it.
I’ve been reading through most of the comments with interest and there’s a lot of hot debate on this issue as expected.
Generally speaking, I think the parents that are OK with spankings: 1) Usually use it as a last resort reserved for cases where there have been multiple warnings, willful disobedience, lack of respect, etc. It doesn’t seem to be the preferred or go to discipline method for most. It’s seen as a shocking way to get the child’s attention where nothing else has worked. 2) It seems to be done with the intent of discipline, not to humiliate or abuse or psychologically harm the child. I do think intent is very important although I recognize that’s a slippery slope where horrible actions may be excused “as the end justifies the means”… but is every act of spanking abuse? I don’t think so. I do think it may be effective discipline in certain circumstances.
I don’t think that everyone who was spanked grows up to be an abusive monster or a victim that tolerates abuse. I don’t think that everyone who spanks is an abusive monster or was a victim of violence.
Yes, I was spanked as a kid. No, I don’t believe in spanking my own.
Was I psychologically damaged from being spanked? Nope. Could someone else be? Yup, absolutely. I think each parent needs to ask themselves that question before spanking a child – is this punishment likely to have the effect I want it to, or is that better achieved some other way? In almost all cases, it’s better achieved some other way. But perhaps for certain kids it’s effective – ultimately each parent needs to make that judgement call. As parents, we just hope we make the right ones for our kids.
I often find myself completely out of tools with which to discipline my kids. Resorting to spanking is easy, and tempting. But ultimately I don’t do it because I don’t think it’s effective for my kids. It’s far more effective for them to experience other negative, unpleasant consequences for their actions – such as losing privileges or a negative encounter with a third party.
“I don’t think that everyone who was spanked grows up to be an abusive monster or a victim that tolerates abuse. I don’t think that everyone who spanks is an abusive monster or was a victim of violence.”
CD3,
They don’t necessarily grow up abusers, they might also grow up traumatized and be directing all that hate towards their self. I’m talking trauma, flashbacks and even dissociation or self harm.
I was never psysically hurt by my parents – once, my dad grabbed my arm but he let go when I asked, but that moment has still stayed with me, about 20 years later. I can imagine spanking -or worse- would have stayed with me forever as well. The mental abuse was bad enough, and I’m still learning how to cope with it. ( I have gone to therapy.) Sometimes I even stupidly wished I was actually hit so I would have marks or evidence that there was something wrong with my family.
I’m so glad you don’t hit your kids, and that you have stayed with your decision. Hearing things like this makes me feel hopeful.
Kelly is an asshole in my book now though. I used to really like her but NOPE, sending that message to millions of people is not okay. And that “I was spanked and I turned out fine” bullshit just makes me sad. Stop justifying abuse, ffs. Just shut up. Or don’t, because otherwise we wouldn’t know what a moron you are. I hope she keeps it under control or loses her kids. Yeah I said that, but I’m not giving her a pass on this one.
http://www.tandfonline.com/doi/abs/10.1080/15374416.2014.893518
“The findings illustrate the overall association between corporal punishment and child anxiety and aggression as well as patterns specific to particular countries. Results suggest that clinicians across countries should advise parents against using corporal punishment, even in the context of parent–child relationships that are otherwise warm, and should assist parents in finding other ways to manage children’s behaviors.”
Hitting people is wrong. Full stop.