I don’t watch Vanderpump Rules, but I amuse myself by pretending it’s a really shady reality show about terrible “pretty” people who work fake jobs at a restaurant to cover up the fact that they’re all drug dealers. Isn’t that what it’s really about?!?! That’s always been the undercurrent I’ve felt. That’s the subtext. But here’s the thing: Lindsay Lohan doesn’t do subtext. She only does TEXT. So when Lindsay Lohan told the New York Times last month that she wants to do a Vanderpump Rules-type reality show, I thought “oh, so we’ll be seeing her openly doing and selling drugs at a nightclub?” Plus all of the other stuff about how Lindsay supports herself these days, which involves a lot of wealthy johns in Europe and the Middle East. How would a reality show even deal with all of that? Well, good news: we’re going to find out. Lohan’s reality show is apparently moving forward.

Lindsay Lohan’s planned reality series based on her new resort business in Greece is moving forward and will start shooting in ­August, sources exclusively tell Page Six. Sources told us that Bunim/Murray Productions — which has made such hits as “Keeping Up With the Kardashians” and “Road Rules,” as well as Dina and Ali Lohan’s short-lived “Living Lohan” — will be behind the show for MTV. Lindsay hinted in a recent New York Times profile that she had a series for MTV in mind, but did not elaborate on any details.

“Lindsay is telling pals that she has a signed deal for a new reality show,” said a source. “Bunim/Murray is producing, and it’s about Lindsay’s new beach club in Greece.”

The source added that the series — “a cooler, hipper, edgier ‘Vanderpump Rules,’ ” presumably with Lohan at the center as the Lisa Vanderpump-like character — will start filming at her new Lohan Beach House on Mykonos in August. The source said the show will introduce Lohan and the central characters while the Mykonos scene is in full swing — and then, after the summer, will shift to follow Lohan and her crew going about launching a new location of the beach club. Reports have said Lohan is opening another location in Rhodes, Greece, soon. She also previously licensed her name to an Athens club.

“The show will have this European flavor to it,” said an insider. “Lindsay feels that it’s not so uptight like filming in Los Angeles or New York, and they can get a better cast of characters.” The source said there could be “a lot of English” guest stars, as they are closer to the Greek party scene. Lohan has designed every aspect of the Mykonos club, reports have said, down to the playlists.

[From Page Six]

Such a mess. I can already predict the falling out in the coming months – Lindsay will throw something at a cameraman, she’ll break some expensive piece of equipment, she’ll show up late for filming, the cameras will catch her doing lines while she downs a bottle of vodka. All of it will be messy and crazy and Lohan. MTV shouldn’t have even bothered. As for this being a “cooler, hipper, edgier ‘Vanderpump Rules’” – girl, stop. Vanderpump Rules is crazy-popular with key demographics. What is the audience for a reality show about Lindsay Lohan doing drugs in Mykonos with random British Z-listers? I’m really asking, because I don’t think this is what “the kids” want to see, at all.

Photos courtesy of WENN.