I’ve actually thought of Jennifer Aniston and her mother Nancy Dow several times as I’ve covered various stories about the Duchess of Sussex. Hear me out: Meghan’s strained relationships with the White Markles just reminded me so much of Aniston’s estrangement from her mother. The estrangements, for both Meg and Jen, came after their family members sold them out publicly, sold lies about them to the press, and simply refused to recognize certain boundaries (of decency and respect, mostly). In Jennifer’s case, her mother had so warped Jen’s sense of self that it took decades of therapy for Jen to really work through it. Jen has talked about it many times, how her mother was always vocally disappointed in Jen for not being pretty enough. Jennifer’s estrangement from her mother lasted for years and years, and I’m not even sure that Jennifer saw Nancy before Nancy’s death a few years back.
Jennifer is currently promoting Dumplin’, where she plays a former beauty queen raising a plus-sized teenage daughter. Obviously, this film raised a lot of old issues for Jennifer about motherhood and beauty and body image:
In Dumplin’, Jennifer Aniston plays a former pageant queen whose plus-size daughter enters her competition to make a point about beauty standards. Aniston, 49, told The Sunday Telegraph about the parallels between her experiences with Dow and her role in the movie. When the reporter asked Aniston if her relationship and the one in Dumplin’ are alike, Aniston reportedly replied, “Where do we start? One of the reasons I really loved the mother-daughter aspect of it was because it was very similar in a way to what my mother, and our relationship, was,” Aniston said, according to the publication.
“She was a model and she was all about presentation and what she looked like and what I looked like,” Aniston continued. “I did not come out the model child she’d hoped for and it was something that really resonated with me, this little girl just wanting to be seen and wanting to be loved by a mum who was too occupied with things that didn’t quite matter.”
Aniston is proud of the movie’s message. “This movie is so special because it is about stripping away those preconceived notions of beauty, trying to become individuals and not feeling that we have to live up to some unrealistic ideal that society is feeding up to us,” she explained. “My idea of beauty is, is what makes you feel beautiful and what makes me feel beautiful is the people around me, the life that I have. And maybe a good hair day.”
Much like Dumplin’ resonated with Aniston, this interview really resonated with me. My mom wasn’t and isn’t sh-tty like Nancy Dow was, but it really is amazing and universal how our mom’s words stick with us. I can still remember every negative thing my mom has ever said about my appearance, and if I’m being honest, a lot of that still affects the way I see myself today. Poor Jennifer – she was always going to be sort of screwed up because of her sh-tty mom.
Photos courtesy of WENN.
I can relate also. My brother (whom I love dearly) was the golden child. Rarely ever got in trouble and when he did, my parents just had the “boys will be boys” mentality. I was belittled and abused incessantly all throughout my childhood. Even when I did really well with something it was never good enough. I was never acknowledged. I was always a disappointment. That hurts and has a lasting effect for life.
I pray you are able to experience much happiness and success in spite of what happened with your family.
Thank you, Missy! Life is great for me now and I am very happy. I know my worth now. My husband is amazing and the first person to show me what unconditional love truly is. I finally decided to go to therapy about six months ago and it has helped me tremendously. 🙂
The same thing in my family except it was my younger sister who was the favorite. She never did anything wrong and I was the “rebel” I guess. I too remember almost all negative things my mother said or did to me during my childhood. The whole thing got so bad we ended up going to family counseling 6 months before my wedding because I stopped talking to her and my sister. It helped a little but here we are 13 years after my wedding with four little ones and I’m starting therapy again because of the damage that has already been done and the fact that she’s not changing and doesn’t want to. I fight every day to be the opposite of her and it is hard. Sometimes I hear myself sounding just like her and it’s like a slap in the face. I do NOT want my kids to feel the way I felt, unloved and not good enough, or feel about me how I feel about her.
Mel M, Yeah, I was definitely the “rebel” and “bad kid”. Awful, horrible unspeakable things happened to me when I was a teenager and my mother told me that I deserved them b/c I disobey her and disobey god. Who says that to their child?!?! I completely cut my toxic father out of my life over a year ago and my mom just told me recently that I need to let it all go and let him back into my life like non of the abuse ever happened to make it easier on her. Ummmm…..no. Not gonna happen.
I’m so glad that you are in therapy for the damage that was done to you. That is so brave of you and I’m so happy for you! Sending you all my love and support!
@skipper- I’m so so sorry you had those experiences, it’s just not fair. I think you are absolutely right in cutting off relationships that are toxic to you even if it’s inconvenient to others. Keep at it, you doing you. I know it’s hard when your whole life you tried to please and live up to someone’s expectations that could never be met, it’s really hard to let go and do you. Tonight will be my third session and so far I’ve learned a lot and sent my mother a lengthy email about what’s going on and why. I didn’t do it in person because a) their visits always stress me out and b) I would never get everything I wanted to say out because she would interrupt or roll her eyes and sigh like a teenager getting into trouble. So I had to go that route. This also involves my father but it’s much more my mother. I hope to heal myself and maybe get a better relationship out of it with her but i don’t see that happening which is fine. We were never going to be bffs like some moms and daughters are. Thanks so much you for the love and encouragement and I hope you too can find healing in whatever way you need too.
Mel M, the fact that you are worried about how your kids are feeling and how you’re treating them puts you miles ahead of your mom. Your kids having the benefit of an adult who loves them unconditionally and takes their wants, needs, and thoughts into account is the best gift you can give them. I was an only child, so no siblings, but having kids made me realize how dependent on her my mom tried to make me. Any time, even as an adult, I expressed things that differentiated me from her, she was angry. It was never huge, dramatic things, but all those drops in a bucket will tip it over eventually and when she spoke to my kids the way she did with me, I lost it. I had to severely cut back contact. She is deceased now, but the limited contact was worth it to not have my kids go through what I did. Hang in there and I’m sending hugs!!!!
Now that #metoo has intergrated, we have collective language to identify the perfect male child “difficult” girl syndrome. As a Mother of a boy I will attest boys are easier because society is easier on them.
There’s a great subreddit called Raised By Narcissists if anyone’s interested
https://www.reddit.com/r/raisedbynarcissists/
My father was a straight-on physical abuser. I got punches, kicks, all sort of stuff since I was a toddler.
I was called obese since I was 3. Needless to say I developed an ED and nearly died from it.
To this day I am estranged from my father and the only silver lining is that I married a wonderful man a few years ago. I never wanted children though.
I’m sorry you had to go through that, but glad you found a wonderful man.
Maybe her relationship with her mother traumatized her so much she didn’t know to be one herself.(please don’t attack just throwing out a theory like many of us do here)
I understand what you’re saying. When a child is raised by parents like Jennifer’s it can definitely turn them off from being parents themselves. They don’t want to continue the cycle and fear that they will turn out just like their mother. It’s a legitimate fear.
@skipper I just read your comment and can SOOO relate! I am so sorry you had to go through this too. My parents still apologize to me to this day for not doing anything about the abuse and harassment I endured throughout middle/high school. Luckily, they did not blame it on God, but any horrific (and I mean horrific) thing that happened during that time was my fault and I must have “done something to someone to deserve how I was treated”. I wish you luck in your healing process….it has been 15+ years for me and I am just learning to like myself and to handle my extreme anxiety without self medicating. It has been a long, painful journey.
You could be right, Loopy. I have had friends who didn’t have kids because they didn’t have good examples of what a parent should be or thought they may repeat their own parents pattern of abuse.
I feel so lucky my mom was never critical of my appearance. I just think it’s so cruel. Didn’t Tori Spelling’s mother also say nasty things to Tori about her appearance? So evil.
Parents criticizing their own child’s appearance is extra insane… because the PARENTS are WHY the children look the way they do! FFS!
I probably have invested way too much time thinking about this very subject. One of the things I’ve always admired about Jennifer is how she’s carried herself despite her mother’s cruelty. I say the same for Angelina and how she’s carried herself despite having a toxic father – both women overcame a LOT in their own lives to grow into their amazing selves and I wish they wouldn’t be pitted against each other. I think they have more in common than most people acknowledge.
I was also raised by a very cruel parent (father) and it certainly influenced my notion to never have children. I always knew from a very young age that I didn’t want to be a mother. I acknowledge that my decision was influenced by the terrible examples within my own family, plus I was scared that I wouldn’t be able to break the cycle of abuse. The way they beat me down emotionally destroyed my confidence and self esteem and it took decades to dig my way out, so I absolutely relate to Jennifer’s situation. I love that she is thriving and living her best life – she definitely inspires me.
Long story short I think you might be on to something Loopy.
I never wanted to have children either. One of the biggest reasons being how awful my parents were at parenting. My husband and I ended up with a surprise pregnancy and chose to keep our sweet girl. She is now 14 years old and my husband and I are the most loving, affectionate, supportive and dedicated parents ever. We definitely broke the cycle and I’m so happy about that.
Aww Skipper I’m so glad that your outcome was different than what you were conditioned to expect. Frankly, YOU WIN. You broke the cycle and your daughter is going to grow up so loved because of that. *hugs*
@a reader, Thank you so much! That means the world to me.
Same. I had an awful and emotionally abusive mother. I knew from the time I was a tiny kid, like 5, that I would never be a parent. All these stories you are all sharing are breaking my heart this morning.
Skipper your most recent comment brought tears to my eyes. It makes me so happy to see others succeed when we were conditioned to fail. You are giving your daughter the love and support you never had and I hope it comes back to you a thousand times. I suspect it does every time you look at your daughter. Again, YOU WIN. I had the same realization in therapy late last year…. although I ultimately didn’t have children I still won. I broke their cycle. When I die, all their abusive behaviors die with me and the world will be a better place. That’s a win for me.
I remember reading a couple years back that there is some truth to this theory from a psychological perspective. This was something that was actually studied. The theory was that if you have a parent really mother, who really love being a mother, you were most likely love being a mother and vice versa .
My mother was also slightly emotionally abusive. Her mother was waay worse. My mother stopped talking to her when I was little. I stopped talking to my mother 5 years ago. Everyday I am afraid I will end up like them with my daughter. While I try, and sometimes it is really hard, to break the cycle of their behavior, I still fear, that one day my daughter will turn away from me as well. I just hope I am doing it right because, I never grew up with a role model mother. Thankfully, my MIL is one.
I don’t know why, but I got the impression just from subtle hints that her and Justin tried IVF of tried to have a baby and it didn’t work. Although, not having a loving mother as a good example does affect the decision. . My mother treated me terribly and I was nervous to become a mother myself, but I very purposefully love my kids differently then she loved me. I am a great mom! I really try. I have had therapy and read a lot about parenting…etc. My mom also had mental illness, which I do not so that is also a factor
When my Mother asked about grandchildren, I straight up told her, ‘You raised me.’. Totally went over her head and to this day she still does not get it.
I think it’s certainly possible, I know a few people who made that decision based on a bad childhood.
Or maybe being a mother is a choice that greatly affects your life in a lot of negative ways, and she simply made a decision not to become one because the cons outweighed the pros and it’s not a sign that she’s damaged somehow?
I’ll never forget that my mom and grandmother told me I looked fat on my wedding day, while I was sitting in the hairdresser’s hair getting ready for the biggest day of my life. It hit me like a ton a bricks. I wasn’t fat (and even if i was, it was not ok to say that to me) but they always had such a warped view of my body. Both are tiny, petite women and Im tall with a larger frame and have always been made to feel like my body is awful and unacceptable. They have caused me alot of body issues that I doubt I will ever get over.
Yes my mum was no picnic either, she was one of those mothers that put her husband above all and her kids were very secondary, Didnt teach us about sex, relationships, money we all had to figure it our by ourselves and how she wonders why our relationships with both of them are strained.
I so empathize with you. My mom is naturally a very slim person, and she has always been weight focused and obsessed with staying at or below 114 lbs (no idea what that specific number, but it is not a healthy weight for her height). Being exposed to that from childhood gave me a very unhealthy body image and even today although my mom is quite elderly whenever I see her she always gives me a visual once-over assessing my weight.
YES. What you and Lala went through is not dissimilar from my experience. I’m 5’4″ with a (now) athletic frame and my mom is 5’2″ and has a tiny, petite frame–102 lbs. Whereas I greatly struggled (and usually failed) to stave off weight gain throughout junior high and then high school, my mom basically didn’t struggle with her weight until she hit 65. But that didn’t stop her from always obsessing over food and calling herself fat when she was clearly not. Always dieting, always shaming herself for having a meal that she deemed “too large”…and on and on.
Don’t get me wrong–my mother is a wonderful person whom I love dearly–but when I was in the worst, darkest stage of my ED I tried to explain to her how her comments (and my dad calling my preteen body “chubby” and “thunder thighs” among other cruel taunts) had a really debilitating effect on my self-esteem. She seemed so shocked and hurt that I’ve never been able to broach the subject in the 8 or 9 years since.
I’m sorry to all the C/Bers here who had traumatic experiences with their mothers because overall, I was pretty lucky. But as my mother always says, we never truly escape our parents. The formative years of childhood forever shape how we see ourselves and others and it is a long and complicated road to undo all of that damage. Hugs to all of you.
Yep, adding insult to injury. You do the emotional work to get over those casually cruel words, then you garner the strength to bring them up as an adult, and then you’re stuck with the emotional burden of dealing with the fact that your parents are in denial about the pain they inflicted.
People say parenting is hard. Being an offspring ain’t easy either.
Hey Kitten, just wanted to say thanks for your comment last week on how to deal with in-laws and politics. I didn’t reply on the thread because it got late, but I appreciated your sympathetic words! 😀
My mother is 5’8 and was 103 pounds at her thinnest (long before I was born, but I heard her stories enough growing up that I knew) . I believe she has had an ED for most of her life. She didn’t say much about my weight, other than to say how much SHE preferred a straight up and down figure (whereas I have very much an hourglass figure).
My father, on the other hand, looked me up and down as a young teenager and said, “yeah, you are going to have a weight problem when you are older.” I wasn’t heavy then and I’m not now – and even if I was, why say that to your daughter???
It took me graduating, moving out and meeting non-relatives who told me I was pretty to realize I was attractive because I felt big boned and pudgy in my family.
My parents certainly didn’t mean to cause harm, but it’s amazing how much those messages stay with you.
I’m so sorry. What a horrible thing to say. It seems you are in good company here, at least. And we will know better than to treat our children that way.
I am so sorry OriginalLaLa. You deserved to feel special and beautiful on your wedding day. It’s mind-boggling that they would say that to you.
That is horrible. I’m so sorry. As a mom myself I wish I could reach out and give you a big hug. The things that must go on in someone’s mind to say that to a bride (your own mother!) have nothing to do with you and everything to do with them. Sending you lots of love.
Ugh, that’s heart breaking, OriginalLala.
I apparently at 3ish told my mom she looked like a whale when she was trying on a bathing suit and foolishly asked her toddler what I thought. In my defense, at 3 or 4, me saying she looked like a whale was a high compliment because I loved the ocean, and I knew my mom liked killer whales. I can’t imagine how cutting that must have felt at the time though, and my mom certainly wasn’t big. I think she was around 115-120 even after having me, but I also think this was the first summer after she’d had my brother.
My grandmother has pointed out that I have a large nose on one occasion. I went and got it pierced to distract myself from disliking it, honestly. And it annoyed her because she doesn’t like piercings, so win win. It’s crazy how much a comment can stick with us though – especially when it’s not true. It’s like the less true it is, the more it seems to stick.
At 5 I told my mom that McDonald’s was a “better cook”.
As an adult I reached the c-suites, and one night my mom heard my mom saying “I didn’t think she could do, but she seems to be doing okay.”
Turn about is fair play – but ouch. They do say you always hurt the ones you love.
At 11 years old I told my mother I didn’t need her. (I meant more like emotionally – like i could make my own decisions, think my own thoughts, and, with all the foolishness of a child, figured that if I were thrown out into the world I could make it).
I only really meant it emotionally and in terms of personal independence/autonomy, but it was an incorrect/dumb thing to say.
But honestly most of the time I think to myself that I dont’ think my mom’s ever really forgiven me for that remark.
OriginalLala, I am so sorry that happened to you. My mother was 5’4 and 95-115 pounds her whole life. I, on the other hand, am nearly six foot and my lowest weight since I stopped growing was 145 pounds (and I was VERY fit, training for a marathon at the time). She always made me feel unsightly, huge, and awkward. She once tried to comfort me by telling me that at least I wasn’t “schlumpadink fat”, whatever that means. If she had wanted a tiny daughter, maybe marrying a former college athlete who was 6’4 and 250 pounds was not the best way to go. Therapy has helped some, but I will always feel somewhat large and ill-bred because of my size.
Oh that’s awful. I’m so sorry.
My mom broke a lot of the bad cycles from her mother, but she was always skinny, and I am not, and though we are very close, there’s still some weirdness there about it. It’s tough, but at your wedding is the worst place for that to come up.
I was in a wedding where the bride was rushed getting ready, and her mother sat there not helping AT ALL, and started saying the dress didn’t fit right, why did you wear that underwear, I don’t know why you picked that, blah blah blah, right as she’s about to walk down the aisle. I had only met her the day before and I almost told her to STFU. It explained a LOT about that particular friend and how rude I’ve seen her be (we’re not that close anymore).
Oh my gosh OGLala
I am so sorry
What horribly selfish women they must be!!! To say that to you at all- but on your wedding day??????
NOONE deserves such cruel words and mean spiritedness
hugs to you
So sorry they said that to you, OriginalLalLa, especially at a high-stress time. Those comments really stick with you, but I hope you’re happy and healthy today. Your comment resonated with me because my mother and sister are tiny and birdlike. Though I am only an inch or so taller than either of them, I’ve always weighed a lot more, even at my tiniest when I was an avid runner. I guess I’m just more dense? Now that I’m in my mid-30s and struggling with metabolism changes, overuse injuries combined with reduced energy for working out, and quitting drinking alcohol, I am 20 lbs heavier than where I was 3 years ago and wanted to lose 10 lbs. 🙁 My mother is also highly critical of me and my sister (but never my brother, the much-wanted boy!), and really lets loose on “fat” people. It’s really a toxic soup, is what I’m saying.
Everyone’s comments make me feel very seen, so thanks to you all!
OriginalLaLa,
I am so sorry and I hear ya – my mother told me the day before my wedding that I looked anorexic. Way to go into your big day feeling on top of the world, right??
Lordt I can relate to this! My mother is 5’3″, has never weighed more than 120 pounds in her life (and she considers that “obese”), I’m positive she’s had an ED her whole life (thanks to HER mother). She was also literally a beauty queen. From Dallas. With blond hair, green eyes, and peaches and cream perfect skin. Gorgeous.
I’m dark haired, brown eyed, olive skin (thanks dad), and I grew to 5’7″ and now I’m at my heaviest weight ever. I won’t even say. I’m not obese medically, but definitely overweight.
I’ve learned not to take pictures with her. It looks like she’s Leia and I’m Jabba the Hut.
It took years for me to appreciate my own beauty. I look back at pictures and think wow, I was very pretty (and I was never heavy until my 40s) and didn’t know it, because I lived in the long shadow of my beauty queen mother.
Sounds like I need to see this movie, but ug, I can’t stand Jennifer as an actress. And that fake southern accent will grate on my nerves SO badly.
(Fortunately, I raised my own daughter very differently. I never put an emphasis on her appearance.)
This resonates. Children often times do not even know that comments, behavior, treatment is not appropriate in many instances, until they are older, at least in my case. I thought my Mother calling me certain names, or saying certain things (even as hurtful as they were) was… normal. It wasn’t until I was much older, in my 20’s in fact, that I realized this was not normal it was not “OK”.
I’m 39 and I still have to check with my husband sometimes about whether something my mother said or did was normal or not. It never is and that’s why I haven’t talked to her in six years. Luckily, now it’s just small petty stuff but for a while it was “funny stories” that terrified him.
I am one of the few lucky ones who have amazing parents.
My mother always told me I was pretty and never once said anything negative about my appearance.
She’s a treasure!
Same here Maya. Growing up, all of our friends wanted our mom to be theirs too! Must be in the genes, since I can’t even imagine hurting any of my children. You’re right, we are the lucky ones. (I also think Jennifer is much prettier than her mother was. I think her mother was jealous of her and later on her fame). Hope they made amends at the end.
It’s not genes. Loving, well-adjusted parents provide a loving, healthy enironment for their kids. Toxic, dysfunctional people raise messed up, dysfunctional kids, This can be all overcome (I’m a firm believer of that) but sadly, a lot of people don’t have rescources to work on it with a therapist, and then some don’t even try, they just procreate instead of taking the time to sort themselves out and pass the dysfunction onto another generation…
I was lucky in having the best parents in the whole world. I took it for granted way too long.
I know for a fact that children believe what a parent tells them. I consistently told my son he was smart, funny, kind and handsome. He grew up believing these things and is very smart, sailed through his education, he has a great sense of humour, he’s kind and generous and loves animals, and while I know I am biased, he turned out very tall, dark-haired and most good looking.
My father in law has this type of relationship with my partner. Lukas(my partner), was not the son his father expected. He grew up to be an artist, he has a day job as a journeyman electrician, but in his time off, he paints, he writes and plays music, he makes claymation videos. I think his father expected a workhorse. In your off time, cutting wood, doing that kind of work. It’s not Lukas and his father hates that. I’ve never heard him say a good word to him, it’s always a criticism first. I don’t think it helps that Lukas was taller than his father by the time he was eleven, and ended up almost two feet taller. Men can be so fragile lol
I mean – that’s almost hilarious because it sounds to me that he IS a workhorse. My husband is a journeyman plumber – he comes home exhausted pretty often. There’s a lot of responsibility on a journeyman too. And if he’s then coming home and painting, writing music, and making freaking claymation (it boggles my mind that he can even do that because my attention span is just so fleeting) that’s a lot of stuff that takes time and energy! My father in law is kind of like that to a degree too, though. He’s always on the go, he cuts wood for a living and is really handy in general. He’s always messing around with something and is very much of the opinion that his decisions are the best and only ones. He’s a lot harder on his son in law than my husband though.
Yes! My partner is a workhorse! Plus he has to drive over two hours to get back and forth to work, he works in the city and we live an hour away. I swear my heart doesn’t beat until he makes it home in one piece in the winter months. It’s just that his father thinks his hobbies are a waste of time. Lukas is an amazing artist, amazing person in general. But I see the hurt in his eyes when his dad can’t even bring himself to compliment his own son. We commiserate together, I have a shitty father too but in the narcissistic abandoning kind of bad.
F-ck that guy. Seriously. I am now officially rooting for Lukas haha.
I know the fear, though. We don’t have a commute anything like that most of the time, but I know my husband sometimes is sent to jobs an hour or more away in the winter. The old company he worked for also had really sketchy work vans and I know he was driving home from about 45 minutes away and it took at least twice that time to get home one night because it was a blizzard. I’m thankful for the new company he works at because they’ve given him an all wheel drive truck to use, and are sensible about taking their guys off the roads when it gets really bad out. The waits are awful though – so I completely understand. I have such a hate on for people who call the on-call line when it’s a blizzard and they have a slow draining sink or something that can definitely wait until the next business day.
Not sure what it’s like in Nova Scotia, Erinn but here in BC to call a plumber after hours almost doubles what you have to pay. If we’re calling plumbers after hours, it’s because we have no choice.
I’d be pissed and worried if I was in your shoes too, over a slow moving drain or an annoying drip call from some clown who doesn’t understand or care about the risks someone is taking for them.
I’m always amazed by people who look down on electricians and plumbers as though those professions are “so beneath them” and the people who do those jobs are not worth as much.
Like, OK jerk, next time your toilet explodes and crap rains in your house, fix it yourself, since you so SKILLED at it you don’t need an expert. To say nothing of shorting out your house and needing an expert repair that won’t burn the place down. *massively huge eyeroll* Not to mention these workers need to continually update their skills to keep up with the technology of appliances.
I’m with you Izzy, well said!
My mother ridiculed my body once puberty commenced. I was/am normal weight, but she would talk about my breasts to my other family members—I still wear an A 1/2 cup and feel considerable shame about it at age 36. When I moved out and lived on my own, she would come to the restaurant I worked at and talk to other patrons about my appearance, from fluctuations in weight to bra size to my hips to my hair. I eventually quit. I haven’t spoken to her in ten years but I am never not thinking about my physical body in space.
@Kristy, so sorry to hear. Embrace yourself just the way you are! You are Beautiful! Your mother was probably projecting her own issues on you and can hardly be a happy person! Much love ❤️
@Kristy, I am sorry to hear that, but please remember that your Mother’s words are a reflection of her own issues. I saw a therapist a couple years ago who helped me understand this. After years of watching my Mom favour my disgusting brother, things came to a head for my family dynamics this past Thanksgiving. It was so wild, awful, and therapeutic at once, with all the crazy, toxic events that transpired. But I stood my ground and refused to continue to be bullied by my Mother and my disgusting brother as I let things slide for 2 days and pulled out my own big guns by saying one thing in return, which literally sent him packing from my parents house late at night (he has always been a coward and a bully). Honestly, it was like the Wizard of Oz – when everything you see is black + white and then goes to color. And I felt very calm and at peace for defending myself as they attacked me. I dont know if I will ever speak to either of them again – but I am very much at peace with speaking up for myself and putting them in their place. #staystrong
@OCE I’m so sorry you had to deal with that, but great job being a class act. It’s actually pretty common for a someone to try to set boundaries with a toxic family member, have that member flip out, and then be backed into the No Contact corner as that family member continues to escalate. Hang in there and take care of yourself. I’ve been 4 months NC with my parents after living the pattern I described above. I tried a couple times to give my slightly less awful parent a chance to distance herself from the more awful parent’s insane threats, but she’s not interested. But I promise it gets easier. It doesn’t distress me as much as it did those first couple months.
I wish my mom would have been proud of me, of who i am, not because of my looks but because of my other qualities. But how others could see me (and see her through me) was all that counted. Of course, i was never pretty, smiley or silent enough.
I could never please her. And i still find myself wanting her approval.
I chose a very long time ago not to have children. Partly because I didnt want to use them to get her approval, or feel like they werent enough either.
Being a mother seems hard. But it also seems pretty easy… YOU SHOW YOUR CHILDREN YOU LOVE THEM UNCONDITIONALLY. DAMMIT.
Wow, some of these stories are awful to hear. I’m so sorry for those who had to deal with this sort of thing. My own mom has said some stupid things over the years, a couple of which stuck with me, but I see I should count my blessings.
The best was my grandma whose idea of a compliment was “you don’t have a hump on your back”.
Same here. I’m the youngest of 3 daughters and once (many years ago) when my mom & I were out to lunch a conversation she had with a friend came up. Apparently they discussed who was the most attractive between the 3 of us and, based solely on looks, was a toss-up between my 2 sisters. I was a little shocked and hurt (but not entirely surprised, I was always considered the “ugly duckling”), but then she followed it up with if you looked at the person as a whole (looks, personality, character…) it was me hands down. I understood what she meant and that she wasn’t trying to be cruel about my looks, and it was just that one time, but it was still a little disheartening to hear from your own mother. My mom’s great, though, and we have a really good relationship.
I remember an interview a decade ago or so, in which Jennifer stated that her mother was resentful that her “ugly” daughter had so much success. That has to HURT.
My mother is a beautiful person but she scarred me when I was 18 and it took me 13 years to see it. She told me, after I lost 25 kilos, that I should always watch my weight and never let myself go, especially if I’m with someone because they would then lose interest in me. I took her words and made it my mantra and tied my worth to my appearance. I’ve never been in meaningful relationships because I’m very insecure. After 3 years of therapy I stumbled on this issue after my sister triggered me when she asked me “will you ever love and accept your body? you’re beautiful” (I had been complaining about my thighs). My mother had, without meaning to, passed her own personal experience TO ME and I believed her. I tied my worth to my looks and I believed I was never going to be good enough. It caused me an ED and years of pain and misery.
This often happens with beauty queen mothers, who end up with daughters that look more like their fathers.
The emotional abuse is staggering.
It was the same with Tori Spelling and her mum, Candy’s disappointment that Tori looked like her father Aaron and not Candy. According to staff, Candy never let her forget it.
No wonder Tori had her first nose job so young.
I’m not surprised by that at all, but looking at photos, I actually think Tori looks more like Candy than her father, both years ago and now (post plastic surgery for both).
This WHOLE THING…is so triggering for me….because I SO OVERSTAND where Jennifer is coming from regarding her Mama…..
Aaaand I’m crying from reading the article and even more from these comments. I can relate to all of you, and I’m so sorry we had to endure these things. I still get the weight comments from my gorgeous and petite mother, even though I’m 5’9 and 130 pounds I feel like Shrek next to her and always eat my feelings after she visits, which isn’t often anymore. I’ve learned to keep her at a distance.
The best thing we can do is not repeat that cycle with our children, not give them a childhood they have to recover from.
I’ll definitely see this movie!!
“…not give them a childhood they have to recover from”. Well said Jess.
My mother didn’t put down my appearance so much as my character, starting when I was barely school aged. She was a depressed and anxious desperate housewife with who-knows-what baggage from the past, she was frequently overwhelmed by normal childish behavior, she needed help, she didn’t get it. She could be wonderfully kind and fun, or she could turn mean, which she did so often that it was just normal for us. She would build you up with one hand and tear you down with the other. To this day, below the (mostly healthy and happy) surface, I have a deep, global sense of being wrong and bad, on a child’s level of comprehension, which makes it that much harder to fight because it was imprinted long before I had the tools to understand what was going on. On the bright side, her death was easy for me. The wake and funeral were mostly pleasant days of accepting condolences that I appreciated but didn’t need. Parents, spouses, EVERYBODY, think about the words you allow to come out of your mouth. You may forget them the minute they’re said, but your target won’t.
I love the last line you wrote here square_bologna: “Think about the words that come out of your mouth “
I’ve tried incessantly to share this idea with my mom. She had a pretty f’ed up childhood so I sympathize on many points with her … but unfortunately she’s tried to build this dream family only to be met with the normality of life (deadlines, husband doesn’t make a ton of money, daughters aren’t glamazon models…) which she takes as faliure. I can’t tell you often I’ve heard her complain that “she’s the most unhappy person in the world” and she uses these feelings as an excuse as to why she says horrible things to my sister and I. It’s like a seesaw- some days we are beautiful and can do no wrong with our kind hearts and other days she will openly question how we have any women friends because we are “anti woman” (this conversation almost made me laugh had it not been followed by “you need to work on loosing weight”). She’s just tremendously insecure and any non-agreement or idea that is contrary to hers is seen as an attack which is followed by her saying disgusting- horrible things. I’ve been called a slut as a 15 year old who wanted to get frozen yogurt with my bf before he went away for the summer… I’ve been told she should have had an abortion only to hours later be told that I’m wonderful. It’s emotional whiplash and while I go through spans of not talking to her – I always feel obligated to go back and make things right because I have this weird idea that my family should be complete in that way. I don’t know if it’s more adult to continue trying to build that relationship with her or more adult to walk away. God this feels like a Dear Abby submission- I don’t know, Jennifer Anniston’s interview made me think a lot about my mom and what I want. Ugh.
@Jensays, I’m so sorry, that is indeed f’ed up. You don’t have to try to figure out what the “adult thing” is, only the thing that’s healthy for you. It might be better for you to have little or no relationship with your mother, as much as that idea might break your heart now, than to continue suffering the “emotional whiplash” (good summation!) for however many more years. You can’t build a healthy relationship with a sick person, and you can’t make her well, no matter how much you want to. Take care of yourself. <3
Jess,
Sadly it sounds as if your mom cycles through extreme emotions and can’t self regulate. She most likely never bonded with
her own mom as a child, ergo BDP type
behavior. My hugs go out to you. It’s not your
fault honey.
I’ve had the same experience with my mother’s death. Her funeral was easy. I didn’t cry, I talked a lot (which I normally don’t do) and I haven’t really grieved her, because she made me miserable. Everything was always about her, somehow. I think saying I was her emotional hostage is the best way to put it. I don’t think I’ll ever grieve her, “properly.” I just feel free.
@JustCrimmles, if that’s how it turns out, it won’t be surprising. I’m actually grateful that losing my parents wasn’t the heartbreak for me that it seems to be for so many people. I have a lot of good and fond memories, but I don’t feel a void. Enjoy feeling free. 🙂
SB, I’m so sorry you went through that. Reading your post though, it sounds like you have done a lot of work to understand her, recognizing that she needed help she didn’t get, etc. That’s pretty impressive, and I have to imagine has helped you to move forward.
Thank you, @lucy2, I have done a lot of work and gained a lot of insight. I actually have a lot of sympathy for the stress that she was under. But if I treated a child that way even once, I hope to god I would be a big enough person to a.) apologize from the bottom of my heart and b.) get myself some help, no matter what kind of stigma that had in my mind because of my upbringing or whatever else. My best guess is that she justified the verbal abuse as “discipline” and feared she would lose face/authority if she acknowledged any wrongdoing. I give her credit for getting a lot of things right, but she got a lot of it really wrong too. I hope she’s at peace now.
My mother used to have the same atitude as yours. She was a teacher, very strict and pushy and very controling un a soft and smiling way. She would praise you always if you behaved as she wanted, and she would rip you if you tried to do a different thing. At the end you just learn that her love is proportional to your behaviour meeting her standards. And she loved us and wanted us to succed because we (my brother and I) are considered an extensión of herself..
It took me a depression the last year of med school to react and realize my mother is not always right and that her way is not the only
one. I had pannick attacks thinking that I was failing, not because of my future, but what was she going to think, would she stop loving me?
It is hard to shake off this kind of pattern of thought, heck, I’m 34 and still scared to not agree with her, por to do something wrong because she will be unhappy, por she will not love me enough. I have a daughter and now I realize how wrong many attitudes were…
I know that she would have liked a more resolute, active and atractive daughter, (I’m not bad looking actually, but I don’t dress up as she does) and I am strangely accepting of this, but when I read this kind of articles, especially the sentence about never forgeting that tour mother tells you, and I would add makes you feel -because she didn’t insult por hit, she just stopped talking to you, or froze you off- that I am really saddened, because our relationship wasn’t bad, but it left permanent scars.
@Ellaus, I’m sorry your mother treated you that way. Please don’t think less of yourself just because you were not what *she* wanted. We are not in this world to live up to our parents’ expectations. <3
Square Bologna: your mother sounds like an exact duplicate of my mother. And at a certain point after I stopped being a dependent, obedient baby and started developing my own personality and opinions, she shut me down. Everything I did was wrong, I felt like a complete pain in the butt and pretty much withdrew into myself. My father was no help, he was the classic work all day come home and eat dinner kind of guy with little patience for two little girls. I grew into adulthood feeling useless, like I was a burden to everyone, and it took me until well into my thirties before I overcame the damage. I never had children, my own childhood was the yardstick by which I measured my decision. And until the day she died she remained unemotional and surprisingly ungrateful that I took her in to live with me in 2007 for the last 7 years of her life after my father died instead of farming her out to a seniors’ home. Interestingly, my older sister grew up to have severe emotional problems, eating disorders, and died of a combination of alcohol abuse, anorexia and bulimia at the age of 41. I loved my mother but I didn’t like her and in some ways it was a relief when she died. I wish I’d been able to have a close, loving relationship with her but there was always a wall there that I couldn’t climb over.
@Jaded, I’m so sorry for the way your family was. Definitely worse than mine, though with a mother who is sometimes kind and loving and then turns mean, the ever-changing maternal opinion of one’s worth can be its own headf**k. (Likewise the notion one gets that maternal love is really just undeserved charity.) Anyway, you did so much for your mother, for so little return, I hope you have peace in your life now. <3
So many females can relate to this. I need to leave this thread or else I’ll end up writing a 10 page essay.
Just recently cut my mother out of my life so this resonates with me. She never focused on my looks, but she’s manipulative and passive aggressive and will do whatever it takes to get her way. I feel for Jennifer. It took me nearly 30 years to realize I don’t deserve that kind of treatment and I feel Like undoing the damage will take a lifetime. I’m just grateful my mother didn’t have the tabloids to sell her sob story to, that’s really rough 🙁
I remember being 10 years old when my mother called me a whale for the first time. The same happened through all my teenage years and I end up having an eating disorder (binge eating). The crazy thing is that she accused me many times of being overweight when I wasn’t in the past, but in the recent years, I gained tons of weight. I’m working through it with therapy but there is still a long way to go. Listening to her talking about her life, she went through the same thing with her mother, aunts and cousins. All them making comments about her looks. We have to manage to break this circle.
I have a male cousin who is four years older than me and was a beanpole. I was a big and tall girl. My mom always said to everyone (always in front of me so that I could hear) that it was too bad that my cousin and I could not switch bodies and that I was the one who was built to play football. I was planning on trying out for the dance team when I was in high school. I showed my mom my audition routine one day and she said “well, you’re not very graceful are you”. Needless to say, I never made it to that audition.
My own mother is a wonderful, kind hearted person, but my dad’s girlfriend – I swear that woman has never looked upon another person except to see a blemish on their face.
Starting when I was twelve, she began telling me how ‘anorexic’ and ‘bulimic’ I looked. How I was ‘too pale’ (….it’s my skin tone?). How thankful she was that *her* daughter wasn’t so skinny and pale, and had a healthy complexion and cute figure. Everything was about my appearance, and how even looking at me was an affront to her senses.
When I hit my high school and college years, it was like she couldn’t breathe without tearing me down. Once, I drove down from college to attend my uncle’s funeral, and during dinner with our extended family she announced I was going to the bathroom to vomit up my dinner (…which wasn’t true? I’ve never had an ED). My nails never looked good enough, why was my hair that color (…you mean brown?)?, if only my makeup looked a certain way, and I wasn’t so *me* then life might be easier on me, etc.
One day it clicked. She is massively insecure, and I represent a large bit of what she’s insecure about. Despite her best efforts, I am confident and sure of myself. I am smart, accomplished, hard working, kind, and much to her chagrin – slim and pretty. I truly believe if I had actually been unattractive, then she would have warmed up to me, because I wouldn’t have been a ‘threat’ to her (only she and her daughter are allowed to be attractive). When I have to see her now – it’s with pity. She can say all the awful things she wants (and she does), but at the end of the day, I get to wake up everyday and be me. And I like being me. And she has to wake up everyday, and be her. And frankly, even she doesn’t like herself.
I am so, so glad you figured that out. It’s hard in the middle of it, especially when you’re a kid, but I’m so glad you realized it’s all on her. And that your own mother is great!
I can’t imagine being so insecure and unhappy that I’d pick apart the confidence of a child.
My mother is quite the same.
She sometimes says to me “don’t you have weight to lose”. I don’t reply but I always want to say (or scream) “being a certain size is not a life goal for me” or “a person’s value is not tied to its size”.
it goes to the point where when we eat together I have to watch what I eat so she doesn’t make any snide remarks. It pains me because I love food (eating is one of the few things which make me happy – I know it’s not a very healthy relationship to have with food I’m trying to work on it).
I never ate very much in public. I remember once an aunt (yep, mom’s sister) noted how little I was eating and said to everyone at the table (like I was not there) “I think that she makes up for it when she’s alone”.
Jesus.
That’s horrible.
My God what an awful thing to say to a person
This resonates with me so much. My mom was very loving, but so disappointed that I was not the thin Barbie doll she expected. She grew up in a disfunctuonal family and did much better, but my weight was always driven into me making me so insecure. And lipstick, my mom would not let me leave the house unless I wore red lipstick because I was too pale. To this day I wear nude lipstick almost as a rebellion and bless her I can tell she still notices. These things last and last. I can’t imagine the impact of some of the abusive situations commenters above referenced. Good on all of you for fighting to have peace on your terms.
Growing up my mother would always comment on my appearance. She constantly criticised my weight, what I ate and told me that I wasn’t ‘conventionally pretty’ (whatever that meant… I’m your daughter just tell me I’m pretty to you…) She told me my legs were chunky, my butt was too big etc
When I developed anorexia she complimented me on my weight loss but criticised me for being ‘picky’ about food. She has still ever acknowledged my eating disorder. Or her part in it. I was in inpatient treatment for 3 weeks over the summer and I didn’t bother telling her.
I’m in the early stages if recovery. I’m 3 weeks clean of any ED behaviours and can finally see the light at the end of the tunnel.
Unfortunately, my grandmother is sick and I will be spending a whole week with my mother when we visit her. If she comments on my appearance I’m going to scream.
Lucy I just went through the death of my father last year and found that extreme stress can make people even more “like themselves” than before. If you can, it might be good to run through various responses you can make to shut down conversations with a therapist or friend. You deserve not to have to deal with that!
Hugs. I’m sorry you went through that, I hope you’re doing OK.
I’ve spoken to my therapist and we’ve planned some strategies and my boyfriend is going to call everyday and check in. Luckily, my sister will be there too. She’s always a good buffer between me and my mum!
Good luck on your visit. If you haven’t read Twiggys comment above, please do, because all of that stuff is likely your mom projecting her own issues onto you. She may never acknowledge it because that would mean she’d have to face her own demons, but you’re already beyond her because you’re doing that, you’re facing it and working through it. You’re already stronger than she ever has been for you, so keep up the good fight!
Which is so tragic because Jennifer Aniston is far from being ugly. She may not be the most beautiful person in the world (whatever that means) but let’s be real, she is blessed in the looks department. Which is so ironic considering her mother was so disappointed her daughter wasn’t cut out to be a model. I googled Nancy Dow to see what she looked like when she was younger and from the few pictures I saw she looked pretty average.
I’m blessed to have a great mom who has never commented on my weight or my appearance, even at my worst when I was riddled with acne and very insecure about it. In fact my mom has always commented that I was more beautiful than her at my age and she was always stunned she was able to make someone beautiful because according to her she and my father are very average looking (which is so touching to hear but I do not walk around thinking I’m the most beautiful person ever and just like anyone I worry about my weight, wrinkles, gray hair, etc.).
My mother could be vicious one minute and though never sweet, reasonably pleasant. A good actress I would say although alcoholism never helps. I only have one child because I did not want to risk doing what was done to me. My brother was perfect in every way. Nothing I did changed anything. My husband and I took care of her through her health issues including diaper changing and bathing and cleaning and emotional support. On her way to hospice nothing changed. As they were taking her in a wheelchair out the door my brother was nearby and I walked up behind her and she said to a helper ” don’t let HER touch me. I only want my son here.” I can’t forget it but my relationship with my son is nothing like this so that’s a positive.
My mother also commented on my body frequently and gave me such a complex. If something was a little too tight she would tell me it made me look fat, which might have been true bc wearing the correct size can improve appearance greatly, but what I heard was “you are fat, put something bigger on.” And like someone said above, I wasn’t fat! But that shouldn’t matter! IT wasn’t about health. It was aesthetic. Also, my sister was 4 years older than me but when I was an adolescent and she was still a teenager, she was about 2 sizes smaller than me (turns out she had her own issues with disordered eating & exercise – she often shamed me for food choices) and my mom doted on her and complimented her more for “looking so good”.
And I’m very fair/pale and it’s difficult for me to tan, plus I never like laying out in the sun for extended periods (makes me itchy) and she encouraged me to tan and go to tanning beds bc “tan fat looks better than pale fat.” This all started when I was 13 or so, I remember dieting in middle school, eating rice cakes instead of a real lunch. And I can’t remember if she encouraged it, but she definitely didn’t discourage me from thinking it was necessary. Never was I told that my body was fine the way it was. Now that I have a legitimate “weight problem” medically speaking, it’s still evident that she’s disappointed that I am not thin.
That being said, generally I would say I grew up in a loving home, problems are more evident as I grow up, that’s common. But, I was well cared for and both my parents spent “quality time” with us and we had good times. It’s just hindsight and interacting with them as an adult makes clear that certain things weren’t ok. It’s all about learned behavior though, so people don’t realize they are doing anything.
My mom dealt with this but in the black community…. my mom has a very fair (think of old Vanessa Williams or Faith Evans) southern mother who was a former Jet Mag beauty submission that absolutely LOVED darkskin black men. Well with her genes being a bit more recessive my mom came out more browner than my gma would have liked. And boy did my gma let my mom know. My mother was called monkey, ugly, my gma and her friends would say she was most likely to get pregnant and have multiple babies, that no one would marry her because she was so dark and ugly (my mom was maybe mocha latte color but nonetheless), and would punish her more than any one of her siblings. Colorism was big and still is in the south in the us esp in the 1960s and older
It really scarred my mom and my bro and I have helped her through it.
Nancy Dow had a lot of nerve calling anyone else ugly.
OMG. I thought these horrible experiences were rare and infrequent. My mother had an ED and projected all of that onto me. I’m a bit taller and bulkier than her and she thought it was the end of the world. I had a blood disorder as a child and almost died. The medication made me gain weight and pushed me into early puberty. This was the end of the world. Having a “fat” 10 year old daughter. Perhaps it would have been better to have a dead daughter. Interestingly enough, she had a child die shortly after birth when I was very young so you would think she would be kinder and more empathetic. Nope.
She criticized the way I walk (like my father). She screamed at me when the model shoes in shoe stores didn’t fit and they had to go in the back to get my size. Anything over a size 7.0 is too big for a woman’s foot. It got worse as I got older. Everything was criticized. She had two more daughters after me and they are both wonderful and perfect.
I’ve been no contact for years and it is one of the best decisions I’ve ever made.
Like it’s not hard enough being a female in a male dominated world. Women, please treat your daughters better !
I’m so sorry to hear your mom said something negative about your appearance Kaiser. Criticism stays with us doesn’t it, from parents in particular. That line caught my attention in the blog because I’ve been a CB reader for 10 years and don’t know many Kaiser personal details. 🙂 Thank you for sharing something many of us can relate to – we’re sending hugs your way!
My mom has body image issues, she’s overweight (185lbs) but in very good shape but she’s determined to lose weight even though her body disagrees with her: she suffers from orthorexia, it’s hard to convince her to join us at a restaurant as a result and even the dietician she consulted a few years ago told her she was eating healthier than herself. Her MD referred her to the psychiatric hospital nearby for a consultation last month, they have a great ED program and I’m glad my mum (relucteny) agreed to try.
We started having a conversation about all this recently, I’ve tried to see her realize how sad it was that her weight has been such an obsession for the past 50 years of her life. I yet haven’t found the courage to tell her how her self-loathing has affected people around her and me specifically. She judged others as harshly as she judged herself and it messed me up until my mid-20s. I still remember the day as a teen were my mom criticized everything about me in the bus on our way to school/work: I was too fat, had crap posture, skin, hair, some people even turned around to look at the monster she was describing… Fun stuff! It took me a decade to unlearn all this, think of myself as worthy of male attention (being either/both loveable or f-able) and I still struggle sometime. If I ever have kids, I’ll cut anyone who criticizes theirs or other ppl bodies out of my/their lives. That cycle needs to stop.
I’m 45 and my father still comments on my weight and appearance, almost daily. Like I don’t own an effing mirror. The latest was earlier this week when he told me I look like I’ve gained ALL the weight back, and we’re going on a cruise in a few weeks, and I need to commit to eating carefully and taking care of myself.
Raise your hand if you ever wanted to go on a cruise with family members who have fat-shamed you and be stuck on a boat with them for seven days. All I could think was “this is why people jump overboard.” It’s like a miserable Thanksgiving on steroids. I actually considered moving up my gall bladder surgery to this month JUST to have an excuse to cancel. Just… eff this noise.
Sorry, I’m cranky. And it’s not because I’m hungry!
Make it know they’re crossing boundaries. I always make a big deal if anyone comes close to commenting on my appearance without me being okay with it. I used to just take it and keep quiet; when you do that, people think you’re okay with it. In most cases, you probably can make it known with a half-joking, “Excuse me!” Exaggerated outrage with facial expression and tone turns the attention back on them, the wrong party. It’s not you being overly sensitive but reinforcing boundaries that people might not realise are there.
Oh man, I feel you. I’m spending the week with my mother from Friday onwards and I am DREADING it. I’ve ran through a million scenarios to get out of it – maybe even faking my own death. I really hope you can just enjoy the cruise and don’t listen to your father. Seriously, he may be related to you, but what right does that give him to talk to you like that?
How sad… Nancy Dow isn’t even attractive which makes this all the more sad. Jennifer is 100 times better looking and I googled pictures of her as a baby and little kid and she was the cutest little thing ever!
She looks amazing in that photo. I think it was this year, yes? I don’t think she’s dwelling on this stuff but sort of just being open and honest about it all, just sharing an experience. I don’t think, except in extreme cases, you have to be determined by what your parents did or said. In other words, you’re not screwed up permanently unless you choose not to move on.
Of three siblings I am the ugliest. I was small and thin throughout my childhood and my 20. I am still thin but at 1.66 m I was 45 kg for years so, thin thin. My early childhood memories were of people trolling me for being so small and ugly. My parents were tall and healthy weight. People would ask my parents in front of me to check with the hospital if they had misplaced the real me. My mother loved me to bits. She loved all the three of us. I was perfect in her eyes thank God even though she worried that I didn’t eat enough but it was ok. My father thought I wasn’t eating enough and accused Claudia Schifer (or what’s her name) of influencing me not eating. He called me a carrot -eater ( I didn’t even like or eat carrots, I can’t even sand them in my soup) but for some reason he was fixated on them.
Now that I think of that I laugh inside because I think he liked that model in particular. He never compared me to anyone else. Anyway, one day, some years ago, he told my youngest sister that she should take care of me in the future because being that I was ugly, probably I wouldn’t get married and have children of my own so my future was that of loneliness. I found my sister crying alone and she wouldn’t tell me what was wrong. She was angry on my behalf. When she told me I was hurt for real for the first time in my life BUT the thing is I am a very positive person and not that easy to break plus I was old enough to rationalize. The funny part is that ALL my cousins male and female are taller than 1.75 (guys verging on 1.9 m= 6.2-6.5???) some blonde, some with green eyes, some work as models, my own sister is beautiful and sexy so I have the genes inside me waiting to be passed to my hypothetical children that I am not yet having per my father prediction
Elga, dear, like they say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Different people have different perceptions of what beauty is. Don’t count yourself as ugly just because of what your Dad says. I know I’m full of cliches but beauty isnt everything either. I have 2 cousins who are probably not considered conventionally attractive. Both are married with children. Not all men are as shallow as your father. Sorry to slam your father but there are way important qualities than looks. You will find what you are looking for just give it time. Whatever that may be. I have some imperfections but my husband thinks I’m pretty. Eye of the beholder. Others do not think i am but as i get older, i care less what others think.
This thread just goes to show how damaging words can be- especially coming from a parent you are constantly trying to gain acceptance from. We should all have a support group. I work for United HC and I call our Medicare members…..I spent the past 1.5 hours talking a 72-year old Mom off the ledge. Her daughter hasn’t spoken to her in 7 years and she just doesn’t know why. As a daughter that had a (now lovely or she tries) mother who was rather abusive, I wanted so badly to ask what this woman , what she did to anger her daughter so. She just could not imagine that she had done anything to contribute to the situation. I know better….
My mother had four daughters (no sons). My older sister gained a lot of weight as a high schooler. I was average size, my younger sisters tiny. My mother never once commented on our weight (she was tiny and always made healthy meals). The only time i remember her saying anything was when my older sister in tears told her she wanted to join weight watchers. My mother said “well i think you’re beautiful and don’t need to loose weight but if you will feel more confident than of course.” I went with my sister solidarity. I also remember it was kind of awful. I’m sorry for all of you whose mothers hurt you. I have four children and now I’m terrified I’ll hurt them!
My mom was a dick to me about my appearance fairly often, but she had her own issues. I loved her and I know she loved me, too. She did her best by me, and I miss her. My grandmother(Mom’s mother) was mean as cat dirt but by god, that bitch got shit *done*. I have a ton of respect for her- always have. Somehow their bullshit gelled into what my husband calls my “preternaturally high self esteem”. I guess it was kind of slay or be slain around here. I wonder what I’m doing to fuck up my own daughter…. I hope she will cut me some slack because I’m trying.
Jennifer has said that she reconciled with her mother after her first divorce and told a magazine interview a few years ago that she was with her mom when she passed away and spent her last days nursing her and was holding her as she passed. Her Mom went on a tabloid TV show and talked about her in the beginnings of the FRIENDS fame, causing estrangement and several years after, published the book about her even after Jennifer asked her to respect her privacy and to not, the fact that she was able to forgive her Mom for such betrayal is admirable.
I’m surprised Kaiser really is this gullible when it comes to Aniston. Firstly, her mother didn’t sell her out. At least not until she was asked to go on an interview about a project she had, but the interview was edited so it was all about her daughter. This was not Nancy’s fault. Even though Aniston should know by now how the media can operate, she still attacked Nancy when Nancy was the victim of the media. Aniston would NOT listen to her. This left Nancy no other alternative but to give her side in a book. She was forced to do that.
Ditto the ‘oh Nancy was mean to her and a shitty mom’ bs. We only have Aniston’s word for that, and we know Aniston twists, exaggerates and manipulates facts. She has been caught out *many* times. Aniston never has anything to do with her half-sibling, so it seems to be a habit of her to exclude family she thinks are below her. There is a pattern.