Want more evidence that Tony Romo is a douche? According to the National Enquirer, a few weeks before he and Jessica officially split, he totally left her at some random Texas IHOP. They were fighting in the car, and he pulled over in an IHOP parking lot, ordered her out, and drove off. Didn’t something similar happen in a horror film? Not The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, but one of those types. Poor Jessica. Not only did she get thrown out of a car, but it was in an IHOP parking lot. That’s, like, symbolic of their relationship:

Tony Romo was looking for just the right moment to finally kick Jessica Simpson out of his life – and he found it an International House of Pancakes in the middle of Texas!

[During a three-hour car ride]… tensions between the two reached a boiling point.

“They’d argued a lot over the past several months. This time, Tony barely said a word,” said an insider.

“He suddenly pulled into the parking lot of an IHOP and growled ‘get out.’ Jess got out and slammed the door. Before she could say anything, Tony peeled off. She ended crying her eyes out for the next two hours while she waited for someone to come pick her up.”

“If she didn’t realize it before, she finally got the message that Tony had reached his limit.”

[Tony] had fet obligated for months to keep the floundering romance going because Jessica had given him a $100,000 speedboat for his birthday.

But the night before her birthday, Tony checked her cell phone a found secret text messages from John Mayer. She and Mayer had reconnected at a June birthday party for Pete Wentz.

Tony was upset, “but relieved that he’d finally found the reason to be rid of her,” said the source.

“Now he’s writing a check for $100,000 to cover the cost of the speedboat gift and washing his hands of the whole mess.”

[From National Enquirer, print edition, August 3 2009]

Are we now referring to Jessica as “the whole mess”? That would be both funny and apt. And what’s up with the IHOP? Can we get a shout-out to a Popeye’s or a Hardee’s? In any case, I tend to believe this story. No matter what, there are some guys who don’t see any harm in leaving a girl stranded in the middle of nowhere, and there are some guys who would never, ever do that.

The Enquirer has another theory about the breakup too – apparently, the straw that broke the camel’s back was this Ken and Barbie-themed birthday party. According to Mike Walker’s gossip column, Jessica was relentless about dressing up as her favorite dolls, and Tony was afraid to because his teammates would never let him live it down:

According to a source: “Jessica kept flitting around Tony, squealing like a little girl, saying, ‘It’ll be so much fun, honey. All my friends are coming, and we’ll all be dressed up like dolls. And you’ll be my Ken!’”

“Jess totally missed what any woman with half a brain could see – Tony was rolling his eyes like he desperately wanted a timeout. There was no way Tony was going to dress up like a Ken doll. He never would have lived it down. His teammates would have roasted him to death. But sadly, Jess just didn’t get it.”

[From National Enquirer, print edition, August 3 2009]

Ever get the feeling Jessica doesn’t get a lot of things? I don’t think she’s as dumb as people make her out to be, but just how clueless is she really? We all know she’s not really book smart, but does she really lack so much emotional intelligence too? To not even see that she’s too enthusiastic while her boyfriend is just phoning it in? Poor Jessica. Poor Barbie and Ken.