I had the chance to read Jon Gosselin’s entire In Touch interview, in which he lamely tries to deny having extramarital affairs before Kate broke it off while painting himself as the victim. It’s full of mock-worthy quotes, and includes a lot of telling non sequiturs from Jon, who insists “I’m not an alcoholic” and “I’m not a womanizer” seemingly out of the blue and with little prompting. In an inset to this nausea-inducing interview, Jon gets all indignant when asked to comment about the fact that Kate is still wearing her ring:

On Kate still wearing her wedding ring
“It’s symbolic… It’s a promise that you will stay married. There’s no love or marriage anymore, and she knows we’re not getting back together, so why wear it? It feels weird.”

Claims Kate took his ring
Jon says he took his wedding band off and left it in the apartment about the garage he lives in part time at the $1.1 million mansion in Reading, PA – but it disappeared. “It’s gone,” he adds. “I know she has it. She’s the only one with a key.”

[From In Touch, print edition, August 17, 2009, subheaders added]

Jon easily dismisses his other girlfriends as just friends, and from the weasel way he words his responses it’s like he’s not exactly lying, but isn’t really telling the truth, either.

Kate Major is just a friend
Although Jon was photographed getting close to Kate Major in the Hamptons on July 22, he insists the two are strictly platonic. “I think she fell for me, but I knew my heart was with Hailey. I could just tell by her body language and closeness. I’m just like, ‘Okay, that’s great.’ I try to be nice to everyone and I didn’t want to lead anyone on. Hailey hasn’t asked me to stop being friends with her, though.”

Was just buddies with Deanna Hummel
Jon says it was innocent [with Deanna] and accusations by her own brother that they were intimate are false. “He was crazy,” Jon says. “We just hung out. I was trying to mend my relationship at the time, and she was the only one who listened.”

[From In Touch, print edition, August 17, 2009, subheaders added]

And here are some other gems the guy comes out with during the interview, including claiming to have changed 12,000 diapers, to having no chefs or personal assistants, and to not being an alcoholic or a womanizer. (These are presented in a different order than they appear in the article.)

It’s hard being a single parent
“I was home with the kids for three months without a babysitter,” says Jon, who adds that one year, he changed about 12,000 diapers himself. “It’s hard being a single parent when you have one parent working a lot and traveling.”

Question: People now perceive you as the bad guy and an uncaring father.
Because it looks like I abandoned my kids. Kate is grabbing for film time with TLC. We share custody, so I do as much as she does. But if it’s not being filmed, people don’t know. We only film two hours a day – I’d rather go home and not film with my kids than film with them. I am not an alcoholic. I have one or two beers and chill. I spend quality time with my kids, but I also go to restaurants and clubs and do thinks I want to do. I haven’t changed. I am a great father.

Has no personal assistants or chefs or babysitters
“As soon as I get home, the nannies leave and I have to start dinner,” Jon says. “I don’t have personal assistants or chefs. I do normal things.”

Question: Do you think it was too soon to date someone so seriously [Hailey].
I’m not a womanizer. I don’t think you can control who you fall in love with. My relationship was over with Kate, and I knew it wasn’t going to be mended. Why wait? I was really upset for a long time, and then someone made me happy. I needed something to pick me up so I could distract myself from the divorce.

[From In Touch, print edition, August 17, 2009, some emphasis and subheaders added]

If we believe everything this guy says, he got dumped by his wife and then had only one girlfriend, who he’s remained faithful to. The three other women he’s spent nights with are all just friends, including the one woman who was there to confide in when he was desperately trying to save his marriage. He’s also a superdaddy and never accepts help from babysitters, chefs or assistants. This is despite the fact that his children’s babysitter was seen sleeping over at his apartment off the garage this weekend. He says that babysitter is his friend, so he must be talking to her at the bar where she works. According to his account, he only sees the nanny at his house for a little while before he sends all the staff away so he can spend some quality time with all eight of his kids. This guy is a manipulative liar and a passive aggressive jerk, and what’s worse is that he sees himself as this swashbuckling bachelor by night and the world’s best daddy by day. We’re not buying it, Jon.

Jon Gosselin is shown out on 7/20/09. Credit: Fame Pictures