Laura Dern’s goldfish passed away at 14. RIP Laura’s goldfish


The photo above is of actress Laura Dern in happier times. Unfortunately, last Tuesday, after voting with her son, who voted in his first election, Laura returned home only to find heartbreak. The family’s 14-year-old goldfish had left them for the big fish tank in the sky. She posted a lovely tribute to her beloved family member in this Instagram post:

Ah, poor goldfish. I can only imagine how much joy whatever-his-name was brought into their lives. He gave them 14 marvelous years and they loved him SO MUCH! Well, as much as you can love a nameless albino goldfish. It’s such a great shot of the partially obscured NoName. That biscuit in the foreground was his best friend, having been brought home the same day, both being an impulse buy. (The biscuit is also 14 years old but has had some work done, which is why it looks younger.) They’d spend hours sitting in proximity to each other, opposite sides of the plexiglass, relatively oblivious to the world around them. RIP, NoName. I hope they have a clay, sunken pirate ship with your name (or lack thereof) on it in heaven.

In all seriousness, a pet is a pet and when they go, its hard so I do feel bad for the loss. I had three goldfish as a kid (I named them after the Bee Gees. Ominously, they died in the same order as the Brothers with Barry outlasting the others by a few years). I will admit that I did not get as attached to the fish as my other pets. That may have something to do with having to clean the tank. But my brother kept fish and had one that, unbeknownst to him, turned out to be a giant gourami, growing over a foot large. He lasted forever and when he left us, our dog went into mourning. A decade and a half is a long time – I’d become attached to mold if I spent 14 years looking after it. For what it’s worth, I am a big fan of Laura’s and I’m just making light because the tribute is kind of funny, what with the omission on the fish’s name and the fact that the photo was clearly one in which he just happened to be in the background and had to be blown up to make him center frame. Even then, his focus was pulled by a savory bun. He looks positively content in his little windowsill, watery home. I hope Laura and the rest of her family are able to find room in their hearts for another finned friend one of these days. Until that time comes, does anyone mind if I eat that biscuit?

“I shall name you Goldfish”


Photo credit: WENN/Avalon and Instagram

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20 Responses to “Laura Dern’s goldfish passed away at 14. RIP Laura’s goldfish”

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  1. Erinn says:

    I’ve had a few devastating nights with our fish tank. I have done everything I could – bought the fancy test kits, treated the water, slow acclimatization process… made sure the temperature and fish were all compatible with each other… planted the tank with special gravel that has nutrients in it for the plants… and the last of my fish died just before Christmas.

    I think our well water might just be too strong in minerals or something. No idea. But for whatever reason, no matter how much right I did, I just can’t keep even very hardy fish thriving.

    • Stef says:

      Hahaha this happened to my mom. She bought everything for her fishes. I think they were Male because they would always hit each others bodies until they die and they were cannibals ! Lol they would started eating them. She even bought a koi and one of those that clean the glass

  2. Nona says:

    Aw … so sorry for their loss. And thank you, Hecate—I loved your post!

  3. Lightpurple says:

    That biscuit does look good.

  4. Slowsnow says:

    Looks like they liked the scone better!!
    I kid, I kid. RIP Goldie!

  5. Hotsauceinmybag says:

    I am sorry for their loss… That bein said, this post is absolutely hilarious, thank you Hecate!

  6. original_kellybean says:

    This post and it’s sarcastic tone made my morning!

  7. smcollins says:

    Cute write-up, but I got the impression from the photo that it was taken because it looked like NoName was nibbling on that tasty-looking biscuit. Maybe I’m reading too much into it 🤷🏻‍♀️

  8. Kyla says:

    That was definitely an intentional photo of the goldfish, and not a cropped portion of a larger photo. You can see the reflection of the photographer in the glass of the tank.

  9. Cyn says:

    The best post I’ve read on CB in years! Love it.

  10. BlondieR says:

    Can Kaiser account for her whereabouts at the time of death?

  11. 10KTurtle says:

    Awww I’m sad for Laura. I had a turtle for almost 15 years, and even though he wasn’t a pet I could cuddle I still really miss him. I got him in college and had him most of my adult life. When you’re allergic to everything with fur, you make do with fish & reptiles.

  12. Writermarie says:

    Reading this at work and I could not stop laughing! Love this post! #BiscuitsgetBotoxtoo

  13. Clsarah says:

    We currently have two 5-year old goldfish (one is white like hers!). My kids got them at a Halloween fair years ago and I promised to try to keep them alive (thinking it was a lost cause, honestly, so not really much of a commitment). We are now in the process of moving to a new state and I’m researching how to do that with fish – not a problem I thought I’d ever have! I am sort of attached to the little guys. There is something I find soothing about the sound of the tank and the rituals of cleaning. I still prefer our dog though, lol

  14. nicegirl says:

    Fabulously funny post here! RIP goldfish dern

  15. Ann says:

    This writing absolutely cracked me up! Love it! RIP no name.

  16. ChloeCat says:

    One of my friends had a goldfish, Goldy. He was really big. But that fish had personally! If you put your finger in the tank he’d come up & kiss your finger. And when he knew you were feeding him, before you even put the food in the tank, he’d start flapping around like crazy! I miss Goldy, he passed away at 10 years of age. RIP little dude & Laura’s NoName.

  17. Katie says:

    I’m sure there are fish experts here but I had a goldfish that started off all gold and eventually lost all color as he/she aged (probably about 14 or 15) when he/she died as all white. I wonder if that happened with Fish Dern?

    Also, my 14 year old fish cost a quarter that I won by tossing a ping pong ball on his bowl.