Sportscaster Erin Andrews wrote a personal essay recently about her journey with in vitro fertilization. She and husband Jarret Stoll have been trying to conceive for a while and have, as of yet, been unsuccessful. She has also been quiet about her family planning up until now. But as she entered her 7th round of IVF treatment, she decided she wanted to tell her story. Erin’s motivation is that she doesn’t want women to have to suffer through fertility struggles in silence, especially when so many are going through the same experiences. So she wants to be honest about her story to help others not feel shame and encourage more people to become vocal themselves.
Erin Andrews is opening up about fertility struggles and why it’s important for her to be candid about her journey.
The veteran sports broadcaster, 43, writes in a new personal essay on Bulletin about undergoing a seventh round of in vitro fertilization (IVF), which she describes as a “time-consuming and emotionally draining process” and she’s been “going through these treatments since I was 35 years old.”
“I have been trying to do IVF treatment for a while now, but sometimes it doesn’t go the way you want it. Your body just doesn’t allow it,” writes Andrews, who is married to former NHL player Jarret Stoll.
“Every cycle is different in a woman’s body, so some months are better than others,” she continues. “When I heard this was the best time to go through another treatment, I had to figure it out all over again. How am I going to juggle this treatment on top of my work schedule? I got so stressed out. When this happens, it really makes you question: Is it the future of my family or is it my job?”
Andrews explains that in her line of work “women feel the need to keep things like this quiet,” though she says there are “so many other women who maybe put their careers on the back burner because they don’t want to miss out on any opportunities.”
“It’s so common that people are starting families late and put so many other aspects of their lives on hold,” she says, later adding, “I am not ashamed, and I want to be vocal and honest about this.”
“You never know who else is going through this; it could be another coworker or the person making your coffee every day. There are more people than you think,” she says. “Now that it’s my seventh time, something just hit me. Why am I keeping this such a secret when this is just a part of our lives? Instead of feeling ashamed, we need to give ourselves more love. It freaking sucks, because it can seem like it’s such a lonely thing. There are so many of us going through this though, and it’s just not talked about.”
Erin’s been trying IVF for eight years. That’s a long time to wait for a baby, let alone deal with all that goes into IVF treatments. And as she said in her essay, she’s still juggling a career and the backlash all the time IVF is taking her away from her job. I’ve never done IVF. I know a couple of people who have. One could only afford one round (it didn’t work). Another had the means for multiple, about as many as Erin, and they were successful eventually. Another gave up after a few failed tries because it was too much for them emotionally. There is nothing to be ashamed about. And Erin’s right, hearing about others with similar experiences provides a lot of comfort. She also said it’s especially important with IVF because of the unique circumstances like the cost, time and physical and mental toll it takes. From an outsider perspective, I never knew if I should ask about my friends’ IVF journey or not. It’s not that I didn’t want to talk about it, because I found it fascinating. But I knew how much they had invested, both personally and financially, and I did want to say “so how’s it going?” if it was going poorly. But now I’m worried that I contributed to making those women feel like they needed to keep quiet. Hopefully people like Erin will bring the subject into the mainstream conversation. Once we’re used to the subject, we can find a better way to discuss it with those we know who are going through it.
Photo credit: Instagram
Go Erin. Oh and there’s that bout she had with cervical cancer along the way…
I’m going to ask a question from the perspective of someone who doesn’t want kids and who has been in the foster system. Please nobody take offense, I’m not shaming or judging, I just want to understand. Why do people want biological children so bad? 7 years of IVF seems really hard. I only know one person who went through it. She was successful her first round but it was rough. What it does to your body makes doing everything else hard. Why not adopt? Is adoption just as hard or is there really some kind of attachment to your own (and/or your partner’s) genes that I just don’t get?
I also always ask the same thing honestly, especially having worked with kids in foster care who’d love to be adopted.
It’s about what people want and some people want to carry and have biological children. I can’t say why it’s more important than having children at all but given the time, care, and expense to raise any child, no matter how you got them, folks have to think about what parts of it they want I guess.
People I know who’ve done IVF have told me essentially that – that they’d like to have biological children if they have children.
Hi Steph! I can answer from my perspective. I have never wanted kids. Only recently has that started to maybe change, and mostly because of my niece. When I was younger I said if I ever did get them I’d be just as into adopting, but something about that connection to my niece who is a mini exuberant version of my sister has made me want biological if I ever do take the plunge. It feels like a more automatic hardwiring in my brain to be connected and attached, and I’ve never loved a little kid before so for me that’s notable. That said that is definitely not the case for everyone, but it’s something I’ve noticed that surprises me.
My sister used to always say, “Having kids is the ultimate vanity project.” I think when you haven’t had them, you think they’re going to be this amazing combination of you and your partner’s best traits….and the reality is, they are their own little people with their own unique mix of traits and while they *may* look and or act like you, they may not. Admittedly, I gave birth to my own and fortunately had no conception issues. That being said, as a parent now, I recognize that I could have/should have adopted, and the idealization of giving birth to your own is another facet of our lives we attach too much importance.
My husband and I have started trying. And once we did, I found myself in a lot of online spaces where other women could not conceive, or had been trying for much longer than us, and were grappling with very real fears and anxieties. And I think I’ve become much more empathetic now to a group that I didn’t understand before.
Adoption is extremely complicated. It’s not simply “this child is a blank slate”. You have to deal with insanely high costs, questionable morality of agencies, the knowledge that one day your child may seek out their birth family, plus the added complexities of what is many times white parents adopting children of color. Even more so than biological kids, adoption is not a situation to be taken on lightly. It is not a plan B.
There are women who want a biological child, and who recognize that adoption is not for them. Respecting that is part of what it means to be pro-choice.
Thank you for your response. I knew the comments would immediately digress into shaming women for undergoing infertility treatment rather than “just” adopting. It’s especially insulting coming from women who were able to have as many biological children as they desired. It is a woman’s choice, as you said, so the judgement from people who are feminists and support a woman’s right to make choices about her body in all other respects is baffling.
I am fortunate enough to have one living child and experienced secondary infertility. We did three rounds of IVF with our gametes and a donor/donor cycle. We have no living child from these attempts. The thing about IVF is, people who go through it aren’t sterile. They may have poor sperm quality, blocked tubes, low ovarian reserve. Or like us, may be unexplained. That leaves you with the hope of success. Thar tiny bit of hope keeps you going.
Adoption is not easy either. It’s insanely expensive, can take years of similar heartbreak, and you may still not end up with a child. For myself and probably others, you are emotionally and financially exhausted after infertility treatment, whether it’s one round or seven. Everyone has a limit and many people just need to heal and move on.
Thank you for this response. It is so appreciated. I’m still not ready to talk about our experience (infertility and the adoption process – especially when they both fail – can be hell on earth), but I encourage folks to google why “just adopt” is harmful. Why don’t fertile couples “just adopt”? There are plenty of resources for you to check out if you want to understand more.
Hi, Steph. Maybe I can shed some light. My husband and I are dealing with infertility right now and we’ve been exploring all of our options. We’re currently doing IVF. We’re fortunate to have incredible health insurance that covers most of it. Adoption is actually harder and more expensive for us. IVF our best option for having a child. We’re putting money away to save for adoption and/or college funds as we go. Plus if we want a second adoption might be our best bet. Fostering is a completely other thing, but one we’re exploring. With fostering you have to know that this kid most likely won’t ever be your child, and that is a completely different relationship with that child. We’re having a lot of discussions about if we’re up for the task. There are a lot of paths to becoming a parent and each has its unique challenges. Biology is actually one of the things least impacting our decision. This is just my personal perspective from someone experiencing infertility.
I’ve always wanted to adopt.
My cycle is very irregular so it’s been in my head to maybe adopt, even if I was able to have my own child.
Eventually I got surprise/not planned pregnant and had a beautiful healthy baby.
Now that I have one kid, my own blood, I feel like I’m too scared to adopt.
For me, personally it’s too hard to handle a baby and a toddler. I see some parents doing it with a breeze, and they have multiple kids and are rocking it. For me it’s been harder mentally and physically. It’s just too much responsibility. I feel like it’s more ok to make mistakes, to mess up, your own kid a lil bit, but to make mistakes with a child that has already been through a lot is too stressful a thought for me. A poor child that has already lost their biological family should come to a home with 100% patience – and I don’t feel like I can offer that. I’m not saying I abuse my child in anyway, I am not, and would never, but emotionally it’s very straining, and I can imagine an adopted child needs a lot of extra emotional support.
I’ve never struggled with infertility. Adoption is something 2 people have to agree on. My sister and brother in law adopted their now grown up kids because he was infertile. He was vehemently opposed to a sperm donor for IVF because the kids would have been the bio kids of SIL but not his. For them, adoption was perfect. It was very, very expensive, BTW.
My cousin and his wife did IVF and were successful. She very much wanted to be pregnant. I think both sets of grandparents would have had some issues with an adopted grandchild, if I’m being honest. Her parents contributed a lot of money toward the IVF. She is their only child.
I have a friend who did one round of IVF. She was miserable. It failed and she and her husband decided they didn’t want kids anymore. Fast forward about 8 years. They divorced. He remarried and has 2 kids.
I guess my point is that there are several reasons why people want kids and just as many reasons they choose IVF or adoption.
Hi Steph, I’m the same way, I don’t want kids and never really have (although recently I’ve been thinking more about fostering, not from a maternal perspective but more because it seems like a rewarding act of kindness for the parties involved).
I think that people WANT children as badly as I DO NOT want children, if that makes any sense. So they are a willing to do what it takes to conceive, the same way that I do what it takes to not conceive.
A few years ago, after a really terrible breakup, I considered donating my eggs because I truly don’t want to be pregnant, ever. But the process for extracting the eggs is so intense, I backed out. So my hats off to every person who goes through the excruciating IVF process, and best of luck to everyone.
Thank you to everyone in this thread for sharing their perspective.
Edited to add that my roommate has never wanted children either. In 2020, her sister had a baby boy who looks exactly like my roommate (we all get so freaked out when they’re together, hahaha) and now she’s totally obsessed with him. She can’t talk about him without tearing up, feels like he’s as close to her as a biological child and is prepared to give him the world – has even started a college fund on his behalf. So the fact that he looks like he could be hers biologically (I mean, it’s uncanny how much they look alike) makes her feel so intensely connected to him that it’s really kicked her maternal instincts into gear.
Thank you for asking this and being respectful, Steph. As someone who also does not want children, I read this headline and couldn’t even wrap my head around why someone would do that to themselves for such a long span of time, so I wondered the same as you. But because I don’t have that desire for children, I’ve always been like, ‘well, if I ever met someone I wanted to have kids with but couldn’t conceive, we’d just spend that money we would’ve spent on kids traveling and living well.’ It’s never been an innate, must-have-children feeling, but something I could take or leave. I guess some people really feel very strongly about having children, though, and I respect that too.
The reason I was fine with IVF over adoption was because I had a very good friend who tried to adopt. She went through agencies and twice she thought she was getting a baby only for the mother to back out and decide she wanted to keep them. No judgment on the moms from me on that at all, but for my friend each instance was hugely heartbreaking for her, because it took so much money, time and effort to even get to that point, in a crowded field of others trying to adopt. That success she had, that validated the work, was just gone in the blink of an eye.
It took her over four years to eventually adopt a child, and only then because her career was in legal services and she happened to be helping a woman who was severely addicted to drugs who had a two year old she did not want, who also didn’t want to go through the adoption process. That was over a year after she and her husband divorced from the strain on their marriage from trying to adopt (fun fact, divorce actually can make it much much more difficult to adopt).
A lot of people who want children and want to be parents don’t elect to foster, because often you don’t actually get the opportunity to adopt the child (and in fact in some systems they cycle the children through multiple homes to try to protect against that attachment, because the goal is reunification with the birth parent).
Honestly, watching everything she went through, I had no qualms with doing one round of IVF to see if it worked. I was fortunate in that I really didn’t have a hard time at all with the shots, or the extraction, or the ultrasounds or anything else. It took a beat to process out the hormones from the cycle, but that emotional rollercoaster was like being in a paddle boat compared to what my friend went through.
If we didn’t end up with viability after that round then I was fine with looking into adoption, but honestly, I still very much doubt we’d have been able to successfully adopt here. It is probably less competitive elsewhere.
I am adopted. And I went through infertility in my thirties. It was compounded by my husband being deployed or at sea while we were trying to conceive. At the time, we did the less expensive IUIs. I looked into foreign adoptions from the most well known agency and I couldn’t believe the requirements beyond just the money. For the most popular countries in Asia, there are maximum ages, health and weight requirements. Marriage requirements. And I think I remember they didn’t want any divorces in your past. That is on top of the thousands of dollars.
But when it came down to it, I wanted my first child to be my DNA. Growing up an adopted child who doesn’t even know my own birthday, I wanted a genetic link to someone in my life.
This is a really interesting, thoughtful, and educational thread. I’m enjoying reading so many perspectives and experiences. ❤️
It’s a huge myth that there are just endless amounts of children waiting for adoption. The goal of foster care is (and should be!) getting everyone to a situation where family reunification is possible. Adopting older children is a noble path, but is certainly not for everyone, and to be perhaps a bit unkind, it can be annoying to hear that it should be the duty of the infertile (a medical condition, not a moral failing or sign from above) to be the ones called upon to navigate such a hard path…it should absolutely be a calling, and independent of fertility.
As for newborn/toddler adoption, the industry is highly predatory. It preys on pregnant people in desperate situations. It preys on people who want to be parents. Adoption, while it can, in theory, be the best option for all involved, is an inherent trauma, and more and more adult adoptees (especially adult transracial adoptees) are speaking out about it. In addition to the sketchy ethics of most adoption agencies, IVF, even several rounds, is often more affordable and has a higher success rate.
We got pregnant right before seeking out infertility assistance. I always wanted to adopt, regardless of any fertility struggles, because I’d bought the shiny happy stories. I have no idea what our future holds, but it’s unlikely to be adoption now unless it was a situation where I met someone looking to give their baby up, and we could privately arrange it with the assistance of lawyers, to ensure that nothing untoward was happening.
Kay – “[I]t can be annoying to hear that it should be the duty of the infertile (a medical condition, not a moral failing or sign from above) to be the ones called upon to navigate such a hard path…it should absolutely be a calling, and independent of fertility.” This times 1,000.
Steph – my health insurance covered my IVF costs and my state mandates that insurance has to cover 3 rounds of it. Adoption can cost up to $40,000. I took the option that I could afford. Also when you’re in the middle of being treated for infertility, yes 8 years IS a lot, but it doesn’t feel like it then. It took my husband and I six years – I just had my first baby 3 weeks ago at the age of 39 thanks to the miracle of IVF. It’s only now I can look back at how long it took.
Most importantly, people have every right to decide how and when they have their children. Not saying you are shaming, but I have been shamed for my struggles with the “why don’t you just adopt?” question. To which I respond, “If that’s important to you, why don’t YOU adopt?”
Congratulations Marie!!
I chose adoption over fertility treatments and have no regrets!
Thank you to everyone who responded! I really appreciate all of your input. Congrats @marie !
Of your responses what blew my mind most was that IVF is covered by insurance. I just assumed it was an astronomical expense or of one’s pocket so while I knew adoption was expensive I thought the cost was similar.
My second biggest takeaway from this thread is how many were able to answer with their own experiences with infertility. I’m 37 and until recently I thought infertility only affected a very small portion of the population. Clearly that’s not the case. I think it’s a mixture of our age bc we are starting families later in life and the silence around the topic.
Thank you all again for sharing with me.
Hi Steph! I don’t want kids. I think the reason why so many want a biological child is because that is what has been impressed on us by family and society. It’s been so ingrained into us that we have to have kids. I proposed adopting to my ex husband. I’m really not wanting to carry and go through labor, both freak me out but he said he wanted biological children. Family has been so ingrained into our culture that we are pressured into having biological children. I do not desire any aspect of having children and some people have reacted so strangely. They just can’t comprehend it. The pressure to have your “own” children is so strong, it is sad. There are many kids in foster care who need a good homel
@Joanna: Foster care is based on the presumption that reuniting biological families is the priority. Adopting out of foster care is not easy or guaranteed.
And, as someone else has already pointed out, there are far more families in general looking to adopt than there are children available for adoption.
Man, Erin has had a rough go of it with this and the cancer. Wishing her and her husband success in expanding their family.
I don’t know what infertility is like, only miscarriages, but that was very difficult. So I’m trying not to be judgy here. 8 times is a lot of emotional and financial investment. I hope it works out how she wants it to.
She should do exactly what she wants and we all wish her the best.
But I recall reading about Gabriel Union and her miscarriages and what she put her body through before thru got a surrogate and had that beautifully grumpy baby. And how she felt like a failure and like she had to carry the baby herself.
I hope Erin isn’t punishing herself and her body.
I don’t know if surrogacy is an opinion for her, I’m sure she has good medical advice.
I just can’t imagine the toll it takes.
My husband and I just went through a year of fertility treatments, including 2 rounds of IVF and I am now 12 weeks pregnant. It’s a very emotionally and physically challenging process filled with heartbreak and -very infrequent- moments of joy. I admire Erin for stepping into a 7th cycle – that takes a lot. I went into it knowing 3 was my limit. Not just financially, but mentally. So, I was going to therapy to prepare myself for a life without kids, knowing that was a big possibility. As my therapist said, infertility is a waiting game – you’re always waiting for the next cycle, the next test result, the next heartbreak.
To anyone going through struggles with fertility, I am squeezing your hand from afar – take a deep breath and do what feels right for you. And know, you’re not alone. 🙂
Congrats! Absolutely thrilled for you 💚
Congrats wordnerd!!
She should take a break from it although at her age her odds are dropping. I know several people who tried fertility treatments, took a break and got pregnant – me included. A co-worker tried for years, stopped, went to a naturopath for alternative medical advice and ended up having 3 kids. She was advised to change her diet. Another friend adopted a child and then got pregnant. I tried for a year and then stopped due to the expense and got pregnant a month later at age 41. I believe the stress of the procedures, hormone shots etc can take its toll. The fertility treatment clinics have no problem taking your money.
I agree with you Sarah. I had a miscarriage and it took me fifteen months to get pregnant. During that time, I saw a Fertility dr. Fertility is not an exact science and they ramp up medicines pretty quickly. I got treatment for about six months, and would ask for breaks (they were not recommended, but I needed them physically and emotionally) I had to abort one IUI procedure because I had too many follicles. I had one failed IUI. I asked for a break and got pregnant naturally about a month later. My daughter is 16 months, and I’m currently pregnant with a son due in Feb (natural pregnancy too). All of this to say that breaks in fertility treatment can be good in my experience. I’ll also say that for me, I had finally decided to stop killing myself to be a size zero, started eating and walking more, spending more time outside, and that’s how I got pregnant with my daughter. For me, easing up and physical and mental stress and getting more Vitamin D helped me get pregnant (dont dismiss the Vitamin D- it was the first medicine they gave me when I consulted the fertiity dr)
People can be so quick to give advice. “Just adopt.” “Just relax.” “Take a break from fertility treatments and you’ll get pregnant.” “Change your diet.” “Reduce your stress.” I’ve heard it all. And none of it is helpful. Most of the time it comes across as hurtful, judgemental, and lacking in empathy. In my case, I have a medical condition that would make it nearly impossible to have a child without IVF. I also work in the foster care/adoption system and know how complicated it is to adopt. And then how complicated it is to raise a child with attachment trauma and other types of adverse childhood experiences. For us, multiple rounds of IVF are the only option. And when people find out about that, I just wish they could say something empathetic and nonjudgemental. How about “That sounds really hard. I support you.” 🤷♀️🤦🏻♀️
We had secondary infertility – son was conceived first month first try. But we struggled to get pregnant with our second. After 3 years of infertility treatments and 2 rounds of IVF, we conceived our daughter. WHY did we go the IVF route rather than adopt or foster? Because of my own family history. I have a different mother than my siblings and even in our 40s and 50s it can, at times, be a painful, difficult challenge. There is love for me – and for my two children – and yet there is ongoing extended family work dealing with the difference. I did not want THAT kind of work in my own family if it could be at all avoided. So the two rounds of IVF for me were less painful work in the short-term than the life-long challenges of working through adoption loss and process. FOR ME. To be whole and to love well takes work – and extra work with adoption and fostering. Women and families should NOT be shamed or judged for the choices they make! I DO think we should shame and judge those who treat adopted kids or foster kids as “less than” – especially if there are bio kids in the house as well. THAT, to me, is utterly unconscionable. Love to all the Mamas – however you became mamas – as well as to all who choose NOT to have kids. You’re all beautiful and amazing!
Yes, our decisions were based on my mental health, too. We had a traumatic late pregnancy loss and around the same time a close friend lost her foster/adopt kids when their birth family reclaimed them (apologies if that’s the wrong word.) The two situations at the same time all really affected me – it felt like all children could be taken away at any moment. Since after my loss, I had fertility issues, we discussed all the options but adoption felt too precarious to me. Looking back, of course I know that not all adoptions end in such a way. Even that same friend went on to successfully adopt (albeit internationally). But at that time… We chose the best route for my sanity.
I just gave birth to my IVF baby. I’m watching her nap as I type this. She’s my first baby and we tried for for six years. She was my second round of IVF (had a miscarriage on the first round and that was my 3rd miscarriage). I cannot imagine going through IVF for 8 years. It is worth all of the appointments, scans, shots shots and more shots and blood draws. But my heart is with Erin – it’s so much. And I am here to tell you that when you’re in the middle of it all, it doesn’t feel that long but at the same time so long. I am overwhelmed only now looking back at how much we went through before our sweet girl arrived.
I am also very vocal about my struggles and journey. There’s no shame in assisted reproduction. And I’ve certainly been shamed by some staunch Catholic acquaintances (sit down and deal with the church perpetuating and covering up decades of child abuse, bye) and some dipshits who actually asked why didn’t you just adopt? (Adoption is great too but we couldn’t afford it and our insurance covered a lot of IVF costs.)
Let people make their own choices on how and when they decide to have children.
I was so lucky, and I know it. I got pregnant immediately with my first. and in three months with my second. We know a couple who went through about eight rounds of IVF too before finally having a baby boy. They had another son. I’m not sure how many rounds it took for her to get pregnant the second time but it wasn’t easy then either.
This must be very rough for Erin. I hope it works for her this time.
I don’t know what I would have done if we hadn’t been able to have kids. We talked about it before we got married. We agreed that if he had a problem and I didn’t, we would both be OK with using a sperm donor but that’s a far as we decided.
IVF mama here, fortunately only 2 cycles (2 egg retrieval & 2 embryos transfers resulting in twins). We did look at adoption. It’s expensive, typically more expensive than a round of IVF, sometimes 2 rounds depending where you go. We also weren’t sure we could qualify, my husband was falsely accused of fighting with his roommate (no proof but he took a plea deal to avoid losing his school funding, while the roommate got out of his apt contract and my husband had to pay the full amount). There’s no guarantee with adoption or fostering, and way too often it ends in sadness, the system is broken. We actually were on the list with an adoption lawyer and private pregnancy service never got a call. IVF is time sensitive we were going to do 2 rounds, if it didn’t work we’d then try harder with adoption and fostering. I wanted a newborn and nurture that connection, I wanted to feel pregnant, and honestly it was amazing and I’m still amazing by my crazy toddlers. It was one of the few things I always wanted and then it couldn’t happen. We had the means to do IVF and since your eggs are only getting older, we started there. We are still thinking of fostering when our boys get older.