The Telegraph and the Sunday Times both had big “preview” stories about the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s week-long Caribbean tour, which starts this coming Saturday. It’s going to be a mess and everyone knows that. In fact, I think acknowledging that William and Kate are going to be worse than nothing will probably work in their favor. Expectations are so low already, Will and Kate will get credit for merely showing up and doing flag-cosplay. Sources told the Telegraph that William and Kate plan to “listen and learn about the issues that are really important” while also helping Jamaica, Belize and the Bahamas “celebrate” the Jubbly. William is scheduled to make speeches in all three countries, and Will and Kate will attend receptions or dinners with the Governors General of each country. The Telegraph’s coverage dropped this in: “They will also undertake engagements on topics close to their hearts, including the environment and early years education, taking part in sailing, a ‘world-famous junkanoo parade’ and ‘celebrating the seminal legacy of Bob Marley.’” Pandering.

The Telegraph’s coverage leaned heavily into the idea that the Keens are “really excited to be following in the footsteps of the Queen” on the tour. They’re actually following in Prince Harry’s footsteps, since he was the last royal to visit these countries in 2012, and his tour was a roaring success. So much so that conversations about Jamaica’s independence were shelved indefinitely, based off of Harry’s popularity and his massively successful tour. Which brings me to the Sunday Times coverage, which was a bit more forceful. As in, William and Kate need to step up and try to charm Jamaica into “staying.” LOL good luck with that.

“There is no question that Jamaica has to become a republic,” said Andrew Holness, its prime minister, days after Barbados’s historic move to sever ties with the monarchy and do just that. The Queen was said to feel “sadness” at the departure in November of Barbados, the island known as “Little England”, in a ceremony that was watched by a “regretful” Prince of Wales.

But all eyes now turn to the Duke and Duchess of Cambridge’s first visit to Jamaica, where the republican beacon burns bright. On Saturday, William, 39, and Kate, 40, embark on a Caribbean charm offensive for the Queen’s Platinum Jubilee year that will also take them to Belize and the Bahamas. A meeting with Holness, 49, is on the cards and other engagements include “celebrating Bob Marley” and seeing the Jamaica Defence Force in action. The success of their mission may determine whether or not they will reign as king and queen of Jamaica, which gained independence from Britain in 1962.

The republican movement in Jamaica is not new. At the start of the Queen’s Diamond Jubilee year in 2012, the republican prime minister, Portia Simpson-Miller, gave her inaugural address with a promise in patois to remove the monarch as head of state: “I love the Queen, she is a beautiful lady. But I tink time come.” The official line from Buckingham Palace is unchanged: “The issue of the Jamaican head of state is entirely a matter for the Jamaican government and people.” But hot on the heels of Simpson-Miller’s declaration, the Foreign and Commonwealth Office dispatched one of the most effective weapons then in its armoury — Prince Harry — on a tour of Belize, the Bahamas, Jamaica and Brazil.

Hours before Harry’s meeting with Simpson-Miller in March 2012, she suggested Britain could apologise and pay compensation for the “wicked and brutal” years of slavery, reiterating her determination to “take full charge of our destiny” and remove his grandmother as head of state. But the prince greeted her with bear hugs, kisses and hand-holding diplomacy in front of a photograph of a smiling Queen. He later raced and joked with the sprinter Usain Bolt and danced in blue suede shoes with a local troupe.

Professor Philip Murphy, director of the Institute of Commonwealth Studies at the University of London, said: “Jamaica is the one to watch. The political will is strong and the issue of reparations for colonialism and slavery adds moral weight to the republican cause.”

Despite decades of pledges from governments and polling suggesting that half of Jamaicans favour a republic, the movement idles in neutral. Barbados was unique in not requiring a referendum to remove the Queen as head of state, with the prime minister, Mia Mottley, using her comfortable majority to push it through.

A royal source said the Cambridges share the “institution’s view” that Jamaica alone must decide its future. “The focus is on the Platinum Jubilee and the purpose of the tour is to thank the people of each country for the support they have shown the Queen.”

[From The Sunday Times]

The Times had more about the politics of gaining independence, which would have to happen by referendum in Jamaica. Meaning, everyone would have to vote on it. Which… I mean, that’s possible? It will definitely be interesting to see how William and Kate do specifically when they’re in Jamaica. As I said, they’re already preparing the narrative that they’ve “done well” if they just show up and don’t make complete asses out of themselves. Even with the bar set that low, I kind of think they’ll still make asses out themselves though? They can’t help it. Island wiglets, Caribbean bum-flashes, Bob Marley-themed buttons, flag cosplaying and Baldemort looking at Kate with barely veiled contempt for a whole week in between his speeches about how Jamaicans are having too many children.

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red, Instar and Backgrid.