John Mayer: Jessica Simpson was like sexual napalm

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CB hates when I use acronyms, but OMFG. This interview excerpt (via Us Weekly) of John Mayer’s sit-down with Playboy is f-cking epic. This douchebag… well, there is not one single bone of him that is any way discreet. Mayer talks about how the sex with Jessica Simpson was “crazy” and “like sexual napalm” it was so good. Which, I gues we know now that Mayer is a boob man, right? I mean, when he’s not thinking about boys.

Mayer also discussed Jennifer Aniston, at first complimenting her, saying “That woman was the most communicative, sweetest, kindest person.” But then Mayer says something that I think might actually be right on the money. He’s talking about whether his Twittering broke them up, and while he denies that his excessive tweets played a role, he says “The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she’s still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, ‘These are the new rules.’”

John Mayer is kissing and telling — again.

UsMagazine.com has an exclusive peek at Playboy’s March issue, where the singer, 32, dishes on everything from his past relationships with Jessica Simpson and Jennifer Aniston to his dream mate.

He dubs 29-year-old Simpson (whom he dated from 2006 to 2007) “a drug.”

“And drugs aren’t good for you if you do lots of them,” he says, adding, “Yeah, that girl is like crack cocaine to me.”

“Sexually it was crazy. That’s all I’ll say,” he continues. “It was like napalm, sexual napalm. Did you ever say, ‘I want to quit my life and just f*****’ snort you? If you charged me $10,000 to f*** you, I would start selling all my s*** just to keep f****** you.’”

He didn’t share bedroom details about Aniston, who turns 41 Thursday. But he denied reports that he penned the tune “Heartbreak Warrior” about her. “That woman would never use heartbreak warfare,” he tells Playboy. “That woman was the most communicative, sweetest, kindest person.”

He also denied that Twitter obsession led to their split last year.

“There was a rumor that I’d been dumped because I was tweeting too much,” he says. “That wasn’t it, but that was a big difference. The brunt of her success came before TMZ and Twitter. I think she’s still hoping it goes back to 1998. She saw my involvement in technology as courting distraction. And I always said, ‘These are the new rules.’”

Oh, and how many women has he bedded since their break-up?

“I’m going to say four or five. No more,” he tells Playboy. “But even if I said 12, that’s a reasonable number. So is 15. Here’s the thing: I get less a** now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don’t like jumping through hoops.”

These says, he says he is hesitant to settle down.

“I hate being the heartbreaker. Hate it,” he says. “If I date somebody and it doesn’t work out, it’s another nightmare for me.”

Of course, any interview with Mayer would not be complete without an Us Weekly reference.

Asked about his future, he says, “From now on I’m just going to pretend that people really dig the s*** out of me. I’ve been trying to prove to people I’m not a douche bag by not dating, by keeping my name out of Us Weekly. That’s f***** up, man. I’m not dating. I’m not even f******. So now I’m going to experiment with ‘f*** you.’ In 2010 my goal is to get more mentions in Us Weekly than ever.”

You’re off to a good start, John!

[From Us Weekly]

Ugh. “I get less ass now than I did when I was in a local band. Because now I don’t like jumping through hoops.” Shut your douche mouth, jackass. You don’t like jumping through hoops? So, you mean, the ass is falling from the sky? You mean you might actually have to work for it a little? You mean you can’t just point to some girl and say “I’m going to get you pregnant”? F-cking misogynistic psychopath.

wenn2305401

MET Costume Institute Benefit Gala Presents "Poiret: King Of Fashion"

Mayer and Jennifer Aniston at the 2009 Oscars & Mayer in London on January 18, 2010. Credit: WENN.

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78 Responses to “John Mayer: Jessica Simpson was like sexual napalm”

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  1. bite me says:

    love him haha… well as least simpleton is talented in one area

  2. Sumodo1 says:

    I just want him to get permanent laryngitis. And go away.

  3. LindyLou says:

    Un-freakin-believable douche!

  4. bella says:

    Does that mean sex with Jess burns? Because doesn’t napalm burn?

  5. bella says:

    @ Sumodo, we’d have to remove his larynx and cut off his fingers; that way he couldn’t speak OR tweet.

  6. CB Rawks says:

    He is such a nasty person. I find it amazing that anyone likes him.

  7. Karen says:

    What a moron…….

  8. Alexis says:

    Yes he’s a d-bag, but he actually paid Jessica a HUGE compliment! You know her creepy pappa Joe read that and said “Damn Right!”

  9. Dorothy says:

    @ bella LOL!!

    He has got the attitude of a 15 year old. Not to disrespect the 15 year olds out there!

  10. Sumodo1 says:

    @bella, yeah I was thinking about chopping off his fingers, but if he couldn’t sing anymore he wouldn’t have “conquests” to drag through the mud. @ Alexis: You little devil! BTW, now we know why Jessica Simpson constantly gets dumped: she gives away the milk for free.

  11. lucy2 says:

    LOL to the comments so far.
    He is so gross. I honestly don’t understand what any woman sees in him anymore, especially if he’s willing to talk about private things so publicly.

    I still love the dress Jen wore in that pic, even if she did have a douchey date. What was she thinking?

    I don’t know if Jessica should punch him in the face for being so rude and gross, or thank him because I bet a bunch of guys are now dying to go out with her.

  12. Samantha says:

    Well, he is a douche…but eh, its a compliment for Jessica…right? He could of said much worse. Meh. And the dig at Jen going back to 98 was kind of harsh. Ah well, what did we expect from the Oscar Mayer weiner?

  13. Beth says:

    Wow he’s a sleazebag. I know it’s Playboy but I think it’s wrong to talk about sex about specific people, even if it isn’t bad. Was he taking a dig at Jennifer’s age and/or career? He’s probably not talking about Jennifer a lot because she’s still considered an A/B-lister and Jessica is sliding from C to D-lister.

  14. TG says:

    I don’t know what his appeal is. Can’t stand his songs they are too cheesy for my tastes. And he didn’t discuss sex with Aniston probably because there was none. Perez Hilton announced that he and Mayer had kissed and not one week later Mayer was hooked up with Aniston total PR play. If it was legitimate than she is even more desparate than I believed and I bet Brad is embarrassed to have been associated with her.

  15. Praise St. Angie! says:

    when I first saw him on The Chappelle show, I didn’t know anything about him, and I thought “oh, this guy’s got a good sense of humor” and figured he was probably a pretty good guy.

    but no more…not for a long while now. douche doesn’t even begin to describe what this guy is. he needs to just shut the hell up about the women he’s dated.

  16. kermit says:

    Interview with Playboy. Uncool. He’s putting out what should be private thoughts about his opinion of another person’s sexual prowess. Jessica doesn’t present in this way and is more campy when sexy and it’s a shame he involves her. He comes across as juvenile in the little I’ve read that he has to say.

  17. Erin says:

    He and Tila Tequila would make a great couple; they’re definitely on the same maturity and famewhoring level.

  18. Jag says:

    Wow, that was quite the compliment done by an azzhole.

  19. anna says:

    I can’t make my eyes roll any further into the back of my head. I just can’t.

  20. Just a Poster says:

    Now if we can just get him to only sing.. life would be good.

    Dude is crazy!! Dude is absolutely crazy!

  21. Allison says:

    he makes me sick. what a douchey, self absorbed, famewhore. I seriously hope taylor swift isnt really dating him…

  22. Madelyn Rose says:

    Oh my. He always seems to outdo himself in terms of being a total tool. Poor Jessica, but I can see her smiling when she reads it, happy for the compliment. Something about her tells me that is how she would view it.

    And about the comments about TMZ and Twitter being the “now” for celebs. Uhm no. It is exactly because he courts TMZ and endlessly posts on Twitter that people can’t stand him. He needs to learn from the “stars of 1998″ and leave a little to the imagination. I agree with Jen on that one.

  23. loca says:

    Ew. What a dbag. You can see he has no respect for Jessica or else he wouldn’t have been so graphic. At least Aniston gets some respect. Yuck.

  24. Madelyn Rose says:

    And I don’t get the comment about Jessica getting dumped because she “gives away the milk for free”…not trying to attack here, but just asking what you mean?

    Are you saying that all women who have sex before marriage are giving away the milk for free, and thus, the men won’t marry them?

  25. Laura says:

    Well, I for one will not be surprised when he gives another interview and talks about Taylor.

  26. SageAdvice says:

    Wow…just wow. If he got any more douchey, I think he would implode upon himself and create a Douche Hole.

    EDIT: Also, I know it’s Playboy, but geez. That is gross. I did not need to know anything about Jessica’s sexual prowess.

    Jennifer Aniston has the right idea about fame though. It doesn’t come from TMZ and Twitter. It comes from making stuff people want to see. The majority of her fame came before internet gossip exploded, and I think that’s a GOOD thing.

  27. She-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named says:

    I think he didn’t mention Aniston because I don’t think they were ever really dating.

    She needed a date and he needed the publicity.

    At least I hope for her sake she never actually dated this psychopath.

  28. Peach says:

    These are the new rules?

    What the what? If I was dating a guy and he wouldn’t stop twittering about shit I’d dumb his smarmy ass too.

    And whoah. It’s not that he said anything mean about Jessica, but he did say something private. If she wanted the world to know she was a great lay she’d have let it be known. Him talking about moments she was right to assume were private is just so classless.

    Which pretty much sums him up perfectly. Devoid of all class.

  29. Elanenergy says:

    Finally, a John Mayer comment I can sink my *gritted* teeth into. He is being honest, voicing the thoughts of every guy who would do what he does if given the opportunity. It is particularly bad amongst men under age 40—their incredible sense of entitlement about women; and Jennifer Annisten’s “idea” that he is courting distraction is the KINDEST way of calling out his particular brand of swagger—with his personal and professional life. Douche, yes. Common male trait these days, sadly, yes.

  30. justathought says:

    Referring to JA as “that woman”…just sounds like one of a herd.
    Is that all he can say about her? Sweetest and communicative? Terms like “playful or spontaneous” would tantalize the imaginations of playboy readers! He laid it on thick with JS but obviously she made a lasting impression on this motor mouth of a man!

  31. Jewbitch says:

    Whatever happened to NOT kissing and telling?

  32. snowball says:

    “Perez Hilton announced that he and Mayer had kissed and not one week later Mayer was hooked up with Aniston total PR play. If it was legitimate than she is even more desparate than I believed and I bet Brad is embarrassed to have been associated with her.”

    Didn’t take too long for the “whoever she dates, it must be PR.” Jen’s “desparate” and of course, Brad was totally embarrassed that he even knew her.

    Good god, it’s ridiculous. The only things you left out were calling her Chiniston and saying she looked like a man.

  33. Beth says:

    I think it’s funny. He shouldn’t be kissing and telling, but honestly, do we give a f***? And if so, why? He’s got a gigantic ego, but obviously for a good reason. Clearly, he must be good in bed. He’s tall, he’s got that deep voice, and he can play guitar. I wouldn’t kick him out of bed for tweeting, that’s for sure.

  34. k says:

    I thought he always operated with a F* you attitude. He thinks he is turning a corner this year?

  35. Lauren says:

    That is the best compliment Jessica has had in years! Papa Joe probably welcomes the publicity, since Jess’ career is dead.

  36. teehee says:

    How disresetful to the woman and how skeezy of him– however its not like we didnt know thats all he cared about– after himself, of course.

  37. Cheyenne says:

    Somebody needs to hot-glue his mouth shut.

  38. wow says:

    UGH! Okay NOW I see why some of you all called him a douchebag all of this time. Talented muscian of not, it is low class to tell other people’s sexual business in print like that. Tacky, tacky, tacky. And he didn’t have to go in on Jennifer A. with the 1998 snip.

    I wonder why he felt it neccesary to talk about his sexual exploits to the media? I can’t believe JA dated him…TWICE. So glad she moved on.

  39. Lucy says:

    He’s the biggest DBag alive. Hands down.
    He would do anything for a title online.
    He’s repulsive.
    Fake, delusional, overrated, overrating himself and totally annoying.
    He’s also quite ugly. That face? Please.
    No one with that face can be tipped anything as attractive.
    He’s tacky and lacks any bit of decent class.
    And he’s in denial.
    All these women talks just hide the fact he’s hookin up with men. And he prefers actually them.

    Whomever like this individual has a serious self esteem problem. Serious.

    He’s below the scum level.

  40. Samantha says:

    I imagine Jessica was excited about it. Jess: Daddy did you hear? John said I’m sexual napalm!
    Joe: That’s great sweety, run with it. Show the world them beautiful God fearing tittays! And stop pretend seeing that pumpkin smasher guy, your bajingo is on the up and up now! Who’s hip at the moment? What about that Edward guy?
    Jessica: Eww daddy NO! He’s a vampire!

  41. javelin says:

    I wonder if Mayer has any philosophies or opinions that don’t revolve around himself (or his penis).

    Jessica should do a cover of Kelis’ “My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard…!”

  42. jeannified says:

    Well, Chinifer Manistin is NOT going to like THIS! She’ll focus on the fact that he’s REALLY saying that Jessica Simpleton was the best f – - k EVER, AND that she isn’t up with the times, technologically speaking! He’s gonna pay for this one!

  43. JustV says:

    I think his comments about Jessica shows that he has zero respect for her. Whatever attraction someone may have for him, I would not date someone who has shown so little respect for a previous girlfriend.
    There are more respectful ways of saying that you and a person had ‘sexual chemistry’ without reducing it to such common terms.
    I also don’t get the comment that JS ‘is giving the milk away for free’. She may not always come across as the sharpest knife in the drawer, but she doesn’t deserve this level of disrespect.

  44. KKEsquire says:

    Idon’t understand why everything he says pisses people off so much. Why do the comments of a shallow, immature (which is pretty common in the successful professionals I’ve encountered in Manhattan) 32 year old cause such outrage and anger. He said one was good in bed and another was too much of a generational gap. He said it crudely, but he’s honest. I imagine this is exactly what Gerard Butler, and any other celeb is like in real life, they just have PR people filtering what gets said to the press. They’re all like this, you’d have to be to survive in Hollywood.

  45. Cheyenne says:

    @Beth: He may be good in bed, but would you swap fifteen minutes of ecstasy for a lifetime of STDs?

    I hope every woman who’s been with him gets tested. Guy must be a walking Petri dish.

  46. Neelyo says:

    I bet Aniston did wish it was 1998 when she was still with Brad instead of a loser like him.

    And I guess we know how Jessica keeps the guys. We always knew it wasn’t the sparkling repartee.

  47. Tracy9s says:

    He needs to take his big head and his big mouth and go away!!

  48. LolaBella says:

    I hope Taylor Swift is reading about this and seriously rethinking having a relationship (Allegedly) with this douchebag.

    Really John, you’re too old for this stoner frat-boy, IDGAF nonsense.

  49. snapdragon says:

    man-whore.

  50. PJ says:

    Come on — JS was probably thrilled to have the world know that she’s hot in bed! Look at her huge boob implants, flaunting her sexuality — she is not a private or shy person. We can’t compare someone like her with average (normal) people like ourselves.

    And Jen was probably pleased that JM said she is kind. Sounds like Jennifer is not into technology, and that was a difference of opinion between them, but not a deal-breaker in terms of the relationship. JM interpreted her lack of interest in tech stuff as relating to her age, which could be true, but then again, maybe she’s just not into it.

  51. yadira says:

    Oopsy, I misread. I thought he said
    “the burn-out of her success was in 1998″. I thought he meant her best assest was doing “friends”.

    Well, he is still a douche.

    And Jessica Simpson looks like a blow up doll in that pic with her boobs hanging out. WTF?

  52. PJ says:

    I agree that JM was being outrageous and over-sharing, but as #44 noted, this interview was probably more honest than anything we’ve read in a long time.

    Playboy no doubt asked JM about his sex life, and he told the truth. I read the interview and laughed.

  53. andrea says:

    wow. this guy is beyond. aniston must be (should be) MORTIFIED. i mean, anyone who dates him should be mortified, but aniston in particular.

  54. Roma says:

    Am I the only one who seriously doubted that Jessica Simpson would know what napalm even is?

    Jessica: “Is John saying having sex with me was like having sex with his palm??”

  55. Jess says:

    Just read his article with Playboy. Any woman who decides to sleep with this prick is a fucking masochist. Also, do you think he’s one of those douches who owns a word of the day calendar and tries to use a new word in a conversation just so he could sound more intelligent? He seems like the type.

    I do like the bit where he slates Perez in the article.

  56. ogechi says:

    I have never called anybody an imbecile before but i think John is completely one.

  57. Courtney says:

    he sounds like he may be depressed, he’s living in the past and it seems like everything that he regrets just is cycling around in his head. It wouldn’t suprise me if he was in a very strange place emotionally and thats why everything he says seems so hateful. I just read these and I hear a man that is crushingly lonely, and sick of being ‘used’ by groupies. I can’t feel disgust, only pity when I read how far he has fallen into his own mind.

  58. Zzzzzzzzzzzzzz says:

    THIS is the man Jennifer Aniston decided to date? And TOOK BACK after the first round went bust? Oh dear. I’m embarrassed for her.

  59. bubbles says:

    I wonder if his Momma reads his interviews? does he have sisters? or aunts? wait.. isn’t he the guy who wrote the sappy Fathers be good to your daughters song? was that about respect for women or just about Jessica and her Daddy?

  60. flutters says:

    I guess those album sales must not be going so hot for ol John huh?

    This is sort of Bulworthesque and he probably thinks/tells his intimates that he’s doing this social experiment to see how much he can get away with saying. One day he probably intends to make the excuse that he was just playing the public and setting up a space for himself so he wasn’t constricted to be a strait-laced good guy.

    Whatever. He’s obviously just trying to feed the beast. Better to ignore him than be outraged by him I think because it serves his purposes better to be outraged.

  61. Abby says:

    WOW. Just, wow. I seriously hope Taylor didn’t give it up to him.

  62. juiceinla says:

    I can’t believe this guy. Poor Jess.

    LolaBelle- excellent point on the napalm!!!

    Interstingly, He also hates all over Perez Hilton in the interview too…God I hate Perez Hilton. Why do I have to have anything in common with this guy.

  63. hmm says:

    What a shocker!! John Mayer overshares. But, he has always been this way and these women weren’t dating an unknown entity. Frankly, his record speaks for itself and if you date a guy who routinely tells everything then you shouldn’t be surprised when he spills the details. However, the synopsis on this site is probably less offensive than the more detailed one I read elsewhere. He basically calls Jessica a good lay and implies that Jen is too old for him and sooo nice but he had to dump her. And oh yeah, his penis is a white supremacist. So black girls, no luck with Mr. Mayer, but he’s working on being more Benetton in his heart and his pants. We can live in hope that one day he will be spilling details about a woman he will no doubt describe as his sexual chocolate.

  64. karen says:

    UGHHHH, I hate this guy. He needs to be STOP TALKING. He sounds like such a narcissist.

    Anyone who dates this guy has to be a supreme MORON and desperate. So, yeah it’s no surprise BOTH Simpson and Aniston dated this guy. Those girls are like two peas in a pod.

  65. Nat says:

    T-M-I…Too Much Information. I won’t even buy or listen to John Mayer’s music anymore because I hate his personality. Uggghhh. Jessica Simpson is a pretty girl and I when I used her Dessert sorbet body spray, I felt very sexy; it was so edible and it smelled great. Jess should expand her product offerings to include sex toys, in addition to her shoe and hair products..

  66. Iggles says:

    From the full interview:
    “MAYER: If Jennifer Aniston knows how to use BitTorrent I’ll eat my f–king shoe.”

    Wow. Let’s call a spade — a spade. This interview was definitely insulting to Jen. Talking about a past relationship is different when everyone knows who you’re talking about..

    I’m not a Jen fan but I can see where she would be unhappy about this interview. He IS basically says she’s too old for him!

  67. ccoop says:

    POND. SCUM.

    And my apologies to scummy ponds everywhere. That is all.

  68. Bonfire Beach says:

    I hate him with every fiber of my being.

  69. Noelle says:

    the rest of the interview is MUCH worse…

  70. Ana says:

    His comment about Jessica was out of line.
    I still remember an article Lainey did where she talked about how he seemed ashamed he was with her.

  71. Reply says:

    Why feel sorry for her. She was happy parading him as her OSCAR date and they were soo happy.

    Do u really think he changed that much between the first time he dumped her and the time she needed him to promote Marley and Me so she wouldn’t be “lonely”. In her 5 yrs after Brad people issue her friends were telling the world that the JM thing wasn’t over. She’s just having fun.

    Fun! yeah sure; he doesnt want to pet her dog in the kitchen. LOL!

  72. NicoleAM says:

    I think this guy never closes his mouth. EVER. He doesn’t even talk, he rambles. Just reading his crap gives me a headache. (And I never understood what the attraction was, he’s not very good looking.)

  73. Ursula says:

    Can a douche bag get douchier. No more clicking on this loser’s threads.

    I lost any respect I had for him when he dated Jessica Simpson. I don’t know why but to me, dating her is the lowest anyone can stoop.

  74. anon1000 says:

    don’t hate JM cause he is a douche. he has always been a douche. JSimpson and JAniston knew what he was and still wanted to know his peen. rethink your views of these two women.

  75. Lway says:

    Kaiser – you are the BOMB!! You make me laugh and i love the fact that you say what you feel!

    John is a loser – i can’t look at Jen and John without thinking WTF is/was she thinking getting involved with this loser. I mean Vince was okay and then she lost the plot completely. This asshole runs his mouth all the time!

  76. TomL says:

    Wow! I don’t think I’ve seen an article before where ALL the comments were negative. If everyone hates this guy, why is he such a big-time celebrity?

  77. I Choose Me says:

    Sigh. I’ve defended him in the past but no more. There’s a lot more to that Playboy Interview (as you all prob know by now) than his childish kiss and tell. I used to find his attempts at shock humor amusing but he really crossed a line this time that has effectively and permanently put him on a lot of people’s (people like me who still liked him despite his rabid famewhoring) shit list.