Happy New Year, bitches! Or alternatively, salutations on this day of the rapture. Allow me to explain: today is Rosh Hashanah, the Jewish New Year. It falls on a different date in the Gregorian calendar each year because the Gregorian calendar is solar, while the Jewish one is lunisolar. (And the Chinese is lunar, rounding out the trifecta of New Years I observed as a Jewish kid growing up in San Francisco. Shanah Tovah Gong Hei Lang Syne.) But today is also special because Jesus visited a South African pastor in a dream to give him the heads-up that the rapture will be taking place today and tomorrow. Pastor Joshua Mhlakela dutifully spread the good word that “The rapture is upon us, whether you are ready or not,” and social media took the baton from there by spawning the hashtag #RaptureTok. So as faithful TikTokers contemplate their (potential) upcoming ascent to heaven, they have a fervent request for Jesus: please let us take our dogs!
If you’re unfamiliar, the rapture in Christianity is the belief that good Christ-loving folks of Earth — both living and dead — will ascend to heaven with Jesus Christ.
People have taken this belief and run with it on social media, which has started the trend of #RaptureTok.
In the hundreds of videos with that tag on TikTok, you’ll discover everything from rapture tips to people wondering if they can take their dogs with them if they’re the chosen ones.
One woman’s video with over 200,000 views is making light of it all by referencing another jokester’s videos on the topic. “He’s a riot, he’s making this whole journey so fun.”
She went on to explain that in one of his videos, he mentions how there’s an angel assigned to each person when they get raptured. “He’s like, ‘I wonder if our pets get raptured too.’ He goes, ‘Could you imagine the angel that’s assigned the one little Chihuahua? They’re going up 1,000 miles per hour,’” she said, giggling.
…“I ask God all the time to please take my dogs when we’re raptured,” someone wrote in the comment section of that video.
“I have prayed for my fur babies to be raptured with me,” agreed someone else.
“They replied, ‘Believe in the Lord Jesus, and you will be saved — you and your household.’ My household includes my fur babies,” a hopeful commenter wrote, quoting scripture.
While there are plenty of serious videos on the topic, of course, there are many skeptics making light of the situation, dogs aside.
One video posted under #RaptureTok showed two people hysterically laughing with overlay text that read: “I am so petty I am going to lay out a couple of outfits in my driveway on sept 24th so when my neighbor walks his dog he will think me and my dog made it to heaven for the rapture and they didn’t.”
I love how all these people are worried about whether their fur babies can go with them, as if it wasn’t the reverse that is the case: that our pets are assured entrance while we humans ought to be praying we get to tag along with them! Don’t these TikTokers know the holy proverb, All dogs go to heaven?? And of course there’s the argument that heaven is wherever your dog is. Honestly, though, and despite this not being my religion, I’m confident in saying that these 48 hours are not the rapture. Not after learning that the tragic half of the rapture decrees that “those left behind will endure seven years of suffering, war and devastation led by the Antichrist.” Is that not proof positive the event already took place, and we’re the left behinds?
Whether you’re reading this edition of Celebitchy from heaven, hell, or whatever it is that constitutes our current plane of existence, I say Merry September 23, ya filthy animals!
Photos credit: Jozef Fehér, Pixabay, musicFactory lehmannsound, Laurie Gouley, Matheus Bertelli on Pexels
Well, if it is the Rapture, at least my dog will no longer have chronic gastrointestinal problems! A plus!
I was raised Catholic and our priest told us as kids that our dogs will be waiting for us in heaven. I’m pretty sure that’s not a part of the Catholic doctrine, he was just trying to describe heaven to children as great as possible. No use of trying to explain righteousness to 8 year olds. ‘Your puppies and bunnies and kittens are there’ is sufficient for a child to understand paradise.
As for the TikToks, something tells me referring to pets as (fur) babies would already be frowned upon in strict human-centric religions. So there’s that.
I was told the same thing by our priest as a child too. The Feast of St. Francis was a huge day in my home parish as a child. Our priest was a huge animal lover and you could tell that the blessing of the animals was one of his favorite things to do.
My grandma always said that animals were not capable of sinning, so of course they’d go to heaven.
Can someone please tell me the time this is happening? I need to put in PTO. And why didn’t Trump announce this with his Tylenol Revelation?
But what about my cat?
Please see the enclosed Instagram post; it depends
That is purrrfection
Omg, priceless.
But, now I’m offended. Offended, I tell you!!! Dogs can get away with chewing up furniture and eating underwear out of the hamper, they can sing the song of their people at 4 am, they can drag you with their leash out into the middle of traffic – but they get an automatic pass? No, I say, no!
The cats have their own line, like TSA precheck. Yall know they aren’t queuing for any length of time
I’m really not worried of the rapture. My dog is so transactional, she’d miss me, but she’d find a way to get those snacks.
Hmmm…. I’m putting my money on extraterrestrials will make themselves known finally.
All the good boys and girls should be left behind for the rest of us to love while their batshit crazy owners do whatever they are going to do while flying to wherever. Wonder what they will be thinking when they wake up at home on Thursday morning?
If the Rapture took the Magats and left saner people behind, we’d all have an easier time of it. In that case, I’d look forward it.
Unfortunately, it was a doctrine made up in the 1830s to sell Bibles, so of course these fanatics would fall for the con. This mass religious psychosis is alarming. I know people have said that the Rapture is coming before, but social media is making the psychosis worse this time – and these people are backed by the fanatics in government.
I just want to go to those people tomorrow and scream: how can you be so wrong, so many times, and still believe like that?
I can’t even muster a “bless your heart” for this.
I grew up in a church that was big on rapture stuff, and it was when the Left Behind books were popular. That shit traumatized a ton of kids, and still does. Also, these a holes are worried about their animals while scaring little kids with this. It’s dead serious to the children and adults in it, I can’t believe I wasted panic attacks on that in my early teens.
I grew up similarly and you’re right about how traumatizing it was. As a 50+ adult now, it just really pisses me off if for no other reason than there’s no accountability after the fact. I feel like this is about the 50th rapture I’ve been told is happening.
Blondie’s song Rapture is stuck in my head now. I’ll be humming that song as I sit in the judgement seat of Christ probably.
If the Rapture comes, does that mean we will get rid of Mike Johnson?
Anyway, Shanah Tovah. I will be eating apples and honey and petting my dog while all of the weirdos prepare to be vacuumed upstairs.
I wish. But I reckon it’s a solid bet that the most vocal famous Christians in the land will be right here come Thursday, still selling their snake oil.
The Venn diagram of “people I want to disappear from the earth” and “people who might actually be raptured” are two completely separate circles.
I read that the rapture folks are even posting advice on how to ascend. “Just let your legs dangle”, “Relax and put your focus upward.” 😂 I feel like they’re riding the crazy train with Ozzy!
The Parkrose Permaculture YouTube channel recently posted a couple great videos about this. One piece of advice was to treat yourself to some new underwear because, as you’re lifted up into heaven, you don’t want the left-behinds’ final impression of you to be looking up your skirt at your dirty old skivvies. And this was earnest advice! These people are BONKERS.
No way, that is hilarious! It’s like your mother telling you to always wear spotless undies in case you get in an accident and everyone can see them. Except way weirder.
I feel like I’ve seen that advice before, possibly for what to do if there’s an impending collision, along with “make your body be like spaghetti” vs the actual stiffen up response I’ve had anytime I’ve had a close call (along with the automatic “mom arm” thing where you act like you could somehow protect the person next to you in a 45 mph head on collision … and I am not even a mom)
Duckduckgo says 600,000 go missing yearly in USA aline, 250,000 in the U.K., etc etc. Millions worldwide. Maybe we are the left behinds who missed the rapture this time around and Trump is our penance.
(Agreeing with Kaiser per her above post.)
Seeing all the stuff that presumes a rapture would involve people being literally sucked up into the sky in their current exact physical form kinda tracks with all the fundamentalist tendency to interpret Biblical stories literally while completely, and willfully, missing the point of all the parables, allegories, etc.
Like these people can’t even imagine for a second that a divine, mystical worldwide event brought about by an all-knowing, all-powerful being might possibly include some sort of metaphysical or entirely novel transformation that doesn’t mimic the basic operational capabilities of a coin-op vacuum at their local Scrub-a-Dub carwash.
Or that Jesus meant it when he said, you know, to give your belongings away instead of stealing from the poor.
I don’t believe in any of that stuff.
However, as bad as things keep getting….. I don’t care if it’s Jesus or Calgon, just take me away!
🎯 They’re very concrete.
it’s 4:38pm my time locally 9/23. I haven’t been raptured yet. Is there a departure time. I may have missed it. Hopefully I can get the next magic carpet ride out of here.
I would like to get off the this planet I am tired of sharing it with Orange Bozo the Clown.
I have looked at the comments on TT and find some of them very hypocritical and sensationalist. However, some I find heartbreaking because adult people with a childlike mentality are being psychologically manipulated in a terrible way. How little these people must value their reality and love their lives to yearn so passionately for death. Because that is exactly the point. To create a longing for death so that nothing in this life seems important anymore. Whatever the manipulators may call it.
It hasn’t happened yet, which I can say with certainty, because I am registered with http://www.aftertherapturepetcare.com and haven’t been notified of any address to visit to retrieve the cat I signed up to rescue after its humans are gathered up.
Hmm. My parrots steadfastly refuse to talk about any of this. 😈 Given how crafty parrots are in general, I figure they’ve got the express flight to heaven already booked—and will allow me along if I give up several quarts of pomegranate seeds, which are now in season. 😂😂😎😎