Procyon lotor, those wily North American mammals known for their superlative dexterity and striking features of the ringed tail and seeming bandit’s mask across the eyes. With characteristics of being intelligent, nocturnal, and omnivorous, I can’t help but feel a kinship to the little rascals. Still, even I recognize their propensity for destruction in pursuit of pleasure. (Though I’m not so angered as to call the cops or wish species homicide on them.) So, that heritage coupled with the added pressures of the holidays brings us this bit of news from Thanksgiving weekend: one raccoon resident of Virginia was found “drunk, sleeping and spread-eagled” in an ABC liquor store on Saturday. After following the trail of broken and imbibed whisky bottles, an employee finally located the inebriated critter in the bathroom. Even in a drunken stupor, the raccoon was smart enough to pass out next to the toilet.

“He fell through one of the ceiling tiles and went on a full-blown rampage, drinking everything,” Samantha Martin, a local animal control officer, told the Daily Mail.

The Hanover county animal protection and shelter confirmed the raccoon was drunk and said it had since become sober.

“After a few hours of sleep and zero signs of injury (other than maybe a hangover and poor life choices), he was safely released back to the wild, hopefully having learned that breaking and entering is not the answer,” the agency said.

Raccoons have adapted to living in urban areas to such an extent that they are now showing physical changes that resemble early signs of domestication, a recent study found.

Their snouts have become shorter than raccoons living in wild environments — a trait that domesticated animals tend to develop. Other traits are smaller teeth, curlier tails, smaller brains and floppier ears.

Raccoons have proved remarkably successful at living alongside humans, in part because of their adaptability at surviving on human refuse.

“Wherever humans go, there is trash,” Dr Raffaela Lesch, an assistant professor of biology at the University of Arkansas at Little Rock, recently told the Guardian. “Animals love our trash. It’s an easy source of food. All they have to do is endure our presence, not be aggressive, and then they can feast on anything we throw away.”

…Alcohol consumption is abundant in the natural world, according to a recent study. It occurs in nearly every ecosystem, with most animals that eat sugary fruits and nectar likely to be regularly drinking it.

A rampage by a feral pig that stole three six-packs of beers in the DeGrey River rest area in Western Australia prompted warnings for campers to secure their food and alcohol. Once camper said the pig drank all 18 beers, then got involved in an altercation with a cow.

In Turkey, an obviously intoxicated brown bear cub was rescued from a forest by people after eating “mad honey”, or deli bal in Turkish — a substance produced in small quantities by beekeepers in the Kaçkar mountains above the Black Sea, where rhododendrons produce a potent neurotoxin and the honey that bees produce from it can induce a mildly hallucinogenic or euphoric state.

[From The Guardian]

Cast not your judgments on a raccoon in the throes of addiction! This time of year can be a pressure cooker for anyone, and who among us hasn’t had a bad night we’d rather forget?? For all we know, this raccoon has lost his longtime gig in DC thanks to stupid DOGE cuts and is feeling ashamed that he can only afford to get his kits two pinecones instead of 30 this Christmas. My point is, everyone is on edge this year! We’ve maligned these extraordinary creatures as thieves, when in fact we should be celebrating the fact that at least someone on this planet can make hay out of the trash we humans produce. See — they’re environmentalists! AND thieves. But I ask you: why would Mother Nature have given them those bandit masks if they weren’t supposed to get up to criminal activity?! It’s just science!

Anyway, the important thing is that this furry fella has recovered, and if that liquor store didn’t have Procyonidae insurance already then they had no business being in business to begin with. And, perhaps best of all, now there’s merch! Hanover County Animal Protection & Shelter is making lemonade out of limoncello by selling “Trashed Panda” tees, with all proceeds directly going to shelter animal care. To say they nailed the graphic is an understatement. Just like Moo Deng pants were the best thing to happen in all of pantsdom, so will this t-shirt go down in the annals of animal clothing history. And yes, I’ve already bought one for myself, and am seriously considering nabbing another to give to a friend. It’s that good.

PS — Big thank you to The Guardian for including the pig and bear stories at the end. “Got involved in an altercation with a cow” will stay with me forever.

Stock image of raccoon credit Jordan Rushton on Pexels. Other photos credit Hanover County Animal Protection via Facebook