Why can’t I stop laughing at this? Laughing at this disaster, this train wreck, this systemic insanity makes me a horrible person. I need a good slap. Okay, here’s the story: everyone (in the media) seemed to decide all at once that Lindsay Lohan is doing really, really poorly. Just my opinion: Yes, Lindsay isn’t doing well, but I’ve been following her cracked-out activities for years, and she doesn’t really seem any better or worse than usual, for what it’s worth.
Anyway, so now that “everyone” is in agreement about Lindsay, her dad decided to do a big press conference asking Lindsay to “get help”. In nearly every case, a father imploring his daughter to help herself would break my heart. But Michael Lohan isn’t your average case. Michael issues a litany of excuses for why he has to go public, rather than trying to approach Lindsay privately: “I’ve tried every way possible to reach out to my daughter. I’ve called, texted.” That’s it. That’s the extent of “every possible way”. He’s made a few calls. He sent her a couple of texts. Way to bust your ass for your flesh and blood, douche. As for the last time he did speak to her? “Last week she called me when she fell into the cactus. She said ‘Daddy, I need security.’” Daddy, I need a bodyguard to protect me from cacti! DADDY WHY DIDN’T YOU TEXT ME?!? Why can’t I stop laughing? *slaps self*
Michael Lohan addressed the public in a live press conference on Tuesday where he implored his oldest child, Linday Lohan, to get help for her various problems.
Dressed in a suit in his attorney’s office in New York, Lohan blamed the people in Lindsay’s inner circle for enabling her partying and alleged prescription drug addiction.
“People around her that know Lindsay know she’s not ok,” Lohan said. “I get calls from some of her closest friends when they’re out with her during the night. I don’t want her to be a statistic. The press is already writing obits for her. How sick is that?”
Michael begged the media not to judge him for reaching out publicly to his daughter time and time again.
“Extraordinary circumstances call for extraordinary measures,” Lohan said. “I’ve tried every way possible to reach out to my daughter. I’ve called, texted…in difficult times she reaches out to me for help. Last week she called me when she fell into the cactus. She said ‘Daddy, I need security.’ This is not about publicity. I’m beat up in the press. It hurts the people around me.”
Michael says he plans to return to Los Angeles “in a week or two” where he wants to sit down with Lindsay and her lawyer Shawn Chapman Holly and convince her to go to rehab.
“If you’re an enabler, get the hell out of the way,” he said. “If Lindsay won’t sit down privately, my attorneys and I will take other measures. I just hope Lindsay is accommodating. Lindsay needs a private setting where she can detox and get individual and family therapy. That’s the program I have in place. It’s here on Long Island. I’m sick and tired of all the nonsense.”
First: a father who was genuinely concerned about his daughter’s well-being would be able to confirm a hard date for when he was going to be in town, you know? None of this, “in a week or two” business. Second: Can you imagine trying to detox around Michael? If I had to spend a full day with this man, I would become an alcoholic. So no, I don’t think Lindsay should do detox in Long Island. I think if she ever gets clean, it will be because she screwed up big-time, and the rehab was court-ordered. I for one am praying that if and when Lindsay does screw up majorly, it’s not because she killed some innocent person crossing the street or something.