Lindsay Lohan tells daddy: I need a bodyguard to protect me from cacti

Lindsay Lohan wears bright blue lenses during her busy night out in West Hollywood

Why can’t I stop laughing at this? Laughing at this disaster, this train wreck, this systemic insanity makes me a horrible person. I need a good slap. Okay, here’s the story: everyone (in the media) seemed to decide all at once that Lindsay Lohan is doing really, really poorly. Just my opinion: Yes, Lindsay isn’t doing well, but I’ve been following her cracked-out activities for years, and she doesn’t really seem any better or worse than usual, for what it’s worth.

It's tripsy Lohan! Lindsay Lohan heads to a house party and falls into a cactus bush. Ouch!

Anyway, so now that “everyone” is in agreement about Lindsay, her dad decided to do a big press conference asking Lindsay to “get help”. In nearly every case, a father imploring his daughter to help herself would break my heart. But Michael Lohan isn’t your average case. Michael issues a litany of excuses for why he has to go public, rather than trying to approach Lindsay privately: “I’ve tried every way possible to reach out to my daughter. I’ve called, texted.” That’s it. That’s the extent of “every possible way”. He’s made a few calls. He sent her a couple of texts. Way to bust your ass for your flesh and blood, douche. As for the last time he did speak to her? “Last week she called me when she fell into the cactus. She said ‘Daddy, I need security.’” Daddy, I need a bodyguard to protect me from cacti! DADDY WHY DIDN’T YOU TEXT ME?!? Why can’t I stop laughing? *slaps self*

It's tripsy Lohan! Lindsay Lohan heads to a house party and falls into a cactus bush. Ouch!

Michael Lohan addressed the public in a live press conference on Tuesday where he implored his oldest child, Linday Lohan, to get help for her various problems.

Dressed in a suit in his attorney’s office in New York, Lohan blamed the people in Lindsay’s inner circle for enabling her partying and alleged prescription drug addiction.

“People around her that know Lindsay know she’s not ok,” Lohan said. “I get calls from some of her closest friends when they’re out with her during the night. I don’t want her to be a statistic. The press is already writing obits for her. How sick is that?”

Michael begged the media not to judge him for reaching out publicly to his daughter time and time again.

“Extraordinary circumstances call for extraordinary measures,” Lohan said. “I’ve tried every way possible to reach out to my daughter. I’ve called, texted…in difficult times she reaches out to me for help. Last week she called me when she fell into the cactus. She said ‘Daddy, I need security.’ This is not about publicity. I’m beat up in the press. It hurts the people around me.”

Michael says he plans to return to Los Angeles “in a week or two” where he wants to sit down with Lindsay and her lawyer Shawn Chapman Holly and convince her to go to rehab.

“If you’re an enabler, get the hell out of the way,” he said. “If Lindsay won’t sit down privately, my attorneys and I will take other measures. I just hope Lindsay is accommodating. Lindsay needs a private setting where she can detox and get individual and family therapy. That’s the program I have in place. It’s here on Long Island. I’m sick and tired of all the nonsense.”

[From Radar]

First: a father who was genuinely concerned about his daughter’s well-being would be able to confirm a hard date for when he was going to be in town, you know? None of this, “in a week or two” business. Second: Can you imagine trying to detox around Michael? If I had to spend a full day with this man, I would become an alcoholic. So no, I don’t think Lindsay should do detox in Long Island. I think if she ever gets clean, it will be because she screwed up big-time, and the rehab was court-ordered. I for one am praying that if and when Lindsay does screw up majorly, it’s not because she killed some innocent person crossing the street or something.

It's tripsy Lohan! Lindsay Lohan heads to a house party and falls into a cactus bush. Ouch!

Michael Lohan Appears As Joseph At The 2nd Annual Nativity

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12 Responses to “Lindsay Lohan tells daddy: I need a bodyguard to protect me from cacti”

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  1. N.D. says:

    is she wearing contacts in the first pic? i’ve never noticed her eyes where THAT blue.

  2. YT says:

    I know where she can get lots of nice body guards … the kind that wears white coats.

  3. Katalina76 says:

    Yes, he is a douche. But he’s right. She’s gonna be dead real soon if she doesn’t straighten up. Her mother is just as bad, if not worse, though. That woman is such a famewhore that she’d rather watch her daughter kill herself than lose the money and attention. This is the mom who tells everybody on a regular basis that Lindsay is “fine”. Poor girl never had a chance with parents like that.

  4. bellaluna says:

    Michael Lohan has people around him? Who are hurt by the press? Wow, who knew?

    Anyone who uses the press as a medium for communicating with his daughter doesn’t have the right to complain about being “beaten up” by the press. And if my dad thought I needed him, he’d already be here, he wouldn’t be evasively giving the press a time frame as to when he would be here. Unlike the Twitiot, I have parents who:

    1) Wouldn’t tolerate that kind of behaviour from me,
    2) Would kick my butt if I publicly humiliated them with Twitiot-type antics, and
    3) Would be in my face to get help, and if that didn’t work, they’d be in court declaring me incompetent until they’d successfully put me in rehab.

    I’ll take my parents over hers any day of the week and twice on Sunday.

  5. lilred says:

    @bellaluna:I heard that my parents would have kicked my butt six ways from Sunday if I dared pull that crap.

    Let’s just hope he doesn’t go for conservator like Brittany’s dad did, that would be an even worse disaster than it already is.

  6. Rianna says:

    As I have said before. Send Daddy Spears after her ass. He will have her acting normal in less than a week. That dude is like a SEAL drill seargent.

  7. dread pirate cuervo says:

    He should call up Jamie Spears & find out how one goes about getting a 5150 hold. I’m pretty sure it’s as simple as calling the cops & saying she’s a danger to herself. There’s hundreds of paparazzi pix of her strung out so I can’t see a judge turning that down.

  8. Constance says:

    at #1 she is clearly wearing contacts if you look at her pupil area.

  9. Green Is Good says:

    Let’s cut to the chase: Blohan’s parents don’t give a sh!t whether she lives or dies. Either way, both these leeches will use it for publicity AND to make a couple of bucks.

    Dina will do the grieving mother stroll on every damn daytime talk show, and cash in that fat life insurance policy she has on Linds. She’s still her Momager.

  10. stephiespoons says:

    I think Lindsay should become a Scientologist. Think about it: She’d get regular detoxes, vitamins, exercise, they’d help her get over her lesbian leanings. Tom Cruise could be her mentor!

  11. Anti-icon says:

    This is gonna sound means-spirited, but wth, it’s a gossip site: I would pee my pants with glee if Dr. Drew could convince the Lohan family to appear on an entire series of Celeb Rehab. Quality dysfunctional entertainment for all. Their appearance fee would probably be paid by LAPD, to save them the trouble of attempting to nanny this trainwreck. The whole family is a hideous fail for humanity.

  12. Kim says:

    He is a loser but she is a train wreck and no one can say after she od’s that he didnt tell you so.