Jan Moir’s recent Daily Mail column was a real treat. She hit all the sweet spots: ragging on Sarah Ferguson, pocket-watching the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, and taking some really funny swipes at Prince William. The broad strokes: yes, Prince Harry and Meghan have never looked better in the wake of Prince Andrew’s arrest and unroyaling, but hey, we’ve still got to stick with poor, boring, thumb-looking Prince William because he’s the (unsightly) heir. Basically, Harry and Meghan aren’t working royals therefore William wins by default. Some highlights:

In the wake of the York fiasco: Regrettably, part of this greasy Yorkian legacy is that in the immediate aftermath of their exposure, everything and everyone looks different. In this harsh light, even the bad guys look good. And don’t Harry and Meghan know it. The couple made an 8,000-mile trip from Montecito to the Middle East, pantingly keen to show that despite royal scandal, there is no end to their kindness and compassion, their sense of global duty, their humanitarianism.

The Sussexes’ $500K donation: It is an incredibly worthy cause, but is it so terribly wrong to point out that this donation is hardly a fortune in terms of global benevolence or indeed the size of their own personal fortune? Meghan’s television wardrobe for her doomed Netflix series cost almost as much; all those Cartier diamonds among the flour dust as she baked treats for her imaginary friends and padded around her fake kitchen in £700 leather sandals. Every little helps of course, let’s not be mean. Yet to put it in context, the British Government – funded by me and you and our taxes – pledged £310 million to the WHO for the 2024–2028 period. Just saying.

The Sussexes’ royal glow: Apart from the occasional wild-eyed glance from Harry, the pair looked more like royalty than royalty; glowing, confident, even smug. It is amazing how one turn of the royal kaleidoscope can change everything. Five minutes ago the champagne-soaked Sussexes were trying to pretend they were not really at a grotesque Kardashian party in Jeff Bezos’s Hollywood mansion, sucking up to the suppurating excrescences of Tinsel Town in a ballroom with blood red walls. Now they look like Windsor saints, perhaps even the only ones likely to escape the York taint intact. But is that fair?

William’s Saudi trip: The other week I criticised Prince William for tramping around Saudi Arabia looking miserable and even scruffy; his lemon-faced presence giving legitimacy to one of the most repressive regimes on the planet. I also pointed out that he was there at the request of the British government, acting as a soft power ambassador to strengthen British ties with one of our key allies in the Middle East. That is the key factor – his presence mattered, diplomatically and strategically.

This takedown is amazing: William might be a bit of a bore, moaning on about his mental health, often unappealing and never knowingly overselling himself, but he does not have his worries to seek.

Why would the Sussexes send messages of support?? Meghan and Harry might gloat at the travails of the House of Windsor – certainly, there have been no public messages of support – but they do so at their own peril. For their present is rooted in the past; their standing is based on heritage not achievement, and they are only being treated like royalty in Jordan because of Prince Harry’s ancestors. The joy of their position is that they have all the royal benefits but none of the responsibility and nothing to lose because they represent only themselves and their own brand.

King Thumb: Prince William represents a country, an embattled monarchy, a son who will be a future king, a troubled future, an uncertain road ahead. No wonder he wanders around looking like a pained thumb or the grim reaper on a day off. Still, I would rather have his miserable face under a crown than the showbiz Sussexes with their oh-so concerned looks, their faux passion and their constant cuddling of each other.

[From The Daily Mail]

I wish all Daily Mail columnists were required to undergo weekly therapy, because I feel like that would legitimately solve so many problems. This piece was a ball of chaos – partly an admission that the Sussexes look great and are doing great humanitarian work, and partly a slam on William for being so boring, so thumb-like, so unappealing, so grim reaper-esque. It’s all happening! The buyer’s remorse is so real for so many British royal reporters and columnists lately. They can’t even really get behind William and his efforts to (in essence) depose his father and cut off the majority of his family. They know that they’re stuck with this charisma vacuum, this thumb-looking dumbass.

Photos courtesy of Avalon Red, Cover Images.