Tiger Woods: pity parties, Vicodin, meditation, Ambien & apologies

The Masters - Preview Day 1

What is it with douches throwing pity parties for themselves? Jesse James paid his lawyer to throw him a pity extravaganza on Monday, and around the same time, Tiger Woods gave a press conference at the Masters game in which Tiger came across… like a douche. Tiger admitted that “a lot has happened in my life in the past five months” and that the most difficult part was “having to look at myself in a light that I never wanted to look.” That was the most difficult part of the Whore Extravaganza? Having to look at yourself in a different way?!? HuffPo has the full video, and here are some of the highlight quotes:

On coming back to the game: “The encouragement I got, it blew me away,” he said. “It really did. The people here over the years, I know they’ve been extremely respectful. But today is just something that touched my heart pretty good.”

Explaining to his kids: “The pain and the damage I caused my wife, my mom, my kids … Going forward, I am going to have to explain all [this to them] … but that’s my responsibility. I did it.”

On rehab: “[I did it] to take a look at myself … I’ve come out better. I am certainly a much better person for it. I hadn’t hit far enough on the bottom to make myself look at what I had done [before the scandal broke].”

He will continue to seek treatment: “I am not going to stop it in the near future, that’s for sure.”

On being entitled: “What I was thinking was not correct,” he said. “I was rationalizing. I was in totally denial at times…. I fooled myself. I lied to myself, kept others in the dark…I need to be a better man going forward than I was before. When I stripped all that away and realized what I had done, the whole magnitude of it, that is pretty brutal. I take full responsibility.”

He missed his son’s first birthday because he was in rehab: “That hurts. That hurts a lot,” he said. “I can’t go back to where I was. I want to be a part of my son and daughter’s life. I missed his first birthday and [that’s] something I regret and will probably regret the rest of my life.”

In the future: “[I need to be] a better man … I am trying as hard as I can each and every day to get my life stronger. Along the way, I want to help more people who aren’t ready to help themselves, as I was. [I have been meditating] religiously. I need to do these things the way I used to do it, and unfortunately, I got away from that … and lost my life in the process.”

On his drug use, from Ambien to performance enhancing drugs: “Most of the time I was on the Ambien was when my dad was sick and when my dad died. That was a tough time in my life. I was still taking some of those things to help me sleep.” He wouldn’t confirm that Ambien played a role in his car accident, saying, “The police investigated the accident and they cited me 166 bucks and it’s a closed case…. I have never taken [human growth hormone or PEDs]. I’ve never taken any illegal drugs in my life.”

[From Huffington Post, MSN Sports and Us Weekly]

So, whatever. Tiger’s back, golf people love him again, and we’re all supposed to pretend that the parade of Tiger’s “mistresses” never happened, I guess. Just like we’re supposed to pretend not to laugh at whatever Tiger is trying to grow on his face. Oh, but I did learn something I never knew about Tiger – did you know he’s a practicing Buddhist? Fascinating. I wonder how much you have to meditate to forget all of the idiots you banged?

The Masters - Preview Day 1

The Masters - Preview Day 1

The Masters - Preview Day 1

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29 Responses to “Tiger Woods: pity parties, Vicodin, meditation, Ambien & apologies”

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  1. bite me says:

    whatever, just want him to win the masters

  2. Linda says:

    We need to create a Skank Island where people like Tiger and Jesse can go live happily ever after and get out of the public’s eye – because they are nothing more then low lifes and personally I’m sick of looking at them.

  3. Sarah says:

    What gets me with Tiger and Jesse is, they’re not really sorry they banged whores, they are just sorry they got busted banging whores.

  4. wildflower says:

    Well, what a relief, it was all a “growing experience”. How nice to know that he will be a much better person from now on!

  5. CandyKay says:

    Well, what did you want him to say?

    What would be good enough for you?

  6. Popcorny says:

    I hope he loses.
    I hope 723 sluts come charging up and chase him around the course like that old man on Benny Hill.
    I hope someone snaps a condom (loaded with mayo) and hits him on the side of the face.
    I hope someone shouts “WHORE” instead of “FORE”.
    I hope he hits a ball off a tree and it ricochets into his nuts.
    I hope a big hairy transvestite comes running on the green with an Alred look-a-like and screaming “Me too, me too!”.
    I hope Tonya Harding jumps up for an impromptu and spontaneous celebrity-death-match at the 7th hole, or at least starts yelling “Me too, me too!”.
    Whatever, I want him humiliated.

  7. Marjalane says:

    I give it six months and there will be stories of Tiger hitting the ‘ho bars. It’s just wrong that the Masters is shelling out for over 100 security people so Tiger “will be safe”. I didn’t care for golf before, but now I hate it. Tiger’s attitude is so classic- “I haven’t been having “FUN” for the last few months, I mean, ever since my wife busted me banging sleazy strippers. Now that I’m back to being adored on the golf course, I’m having fun again.” Blech.

  8. snowball says:

    I watched it live. I guess I didn’t think it was that bad, what did everyone expect? That he’d whip out his wanger so everyone could see what everyone else had been getting, then he’d cut it off and distribute it?

    He wasn’t going to cut off a limb, he wasn’t going to read from the list of text messages like they were Shakespeare, he answered the questions, some of which were not that nice.

    He didn’t have to toss in the whole barfalicious stuff about loving the game again, but he had to have some dumb tagline to explain why he was suddenly signing autographs for the first time in his career.

    He didn’t give any more or less than what was expected, which is pretty much the story of his career. At least he came out and said Elin would not be there, so maybe they’ll leave her alone for a while now.


    This is the Masters, the only tournament where noone is allowed inside the ropeline, including press. Everyone said the crowd was respectful and there was some applause, but it was nothing like what Tiger would normally hear. This isn’t anything abnormal, the crowd at the Masters is generally considered apallingly respectful and would probably mass faint if anyone booed.

  9. flourpot says:

    Agree completely with Sarah. Let me quote some of his statements, tho, only because I don’t believe a single word he says and, you know, it’s fun.

    “it blew me”
    “I did it”
    “I stripped”
    “I am not going to stop”
    “I am certainly a much better person”

  10. Popcorny says:

    ” … noone is allowed inside the ropeline, including press … ”
    That’s disappointing, but new hope arises …
    I hope someone takes a plane and flies overhead releasing a clusterf’k of of 10,0000 mayonnaise-filled condoms (and a Tonya Harding) all over the course.
    That would be awesome.

  11. nycmom10024 says:

    I find all the attention seeking, sad and hurt mistresses more boring and annoying than Tiger or Jesse. Ladies you have sex with a married man and you expect an apology because there are others!?! Come on, enough already.

  12. Rianna says:

    @popcorny. Thankyou for giving me the biggest laugh I have had all night lol!

    Personally I think that Tiger has learned his lesson, albeit because of his fame monster, but I think he has learned hard.
    I don’t think that he is going to go back to screwing around in a while because he will be under so much media scrutiny that if he even talks to a woman under the age of 50, everyone around him will be giving him the side eye lol!

    and no I never watched the tournament or the press conference. Umm boring. I would rather watch paint dry than subject myself to hours upon hours of golf lol!

  13. scout says:

    I suppose he should still be able to have a career…he did not break any laws of the land…but it does seem like there should be some consequences that last longer than 6 months or so for all the betrayals he committed – not just to his wife but to his sponsors, etc. Time will tell, but my sincerity meter is giving me a funny feeling..like there is more to come regarding his personal indiscretions. I think he has gotten smarter now, though, and he will be less likely to be so overt with his actions. Of course, all eyes will be on him…so it will be hard to hide!

    And I couldn’t care less about golf…like watching grass grow or reading the phone book…only more boring.

  14. meme says:

    not sure why but i hope tiger wins the Masters also. he seems genuinely remorseful to me. as for those skanks wanting an apology from tiger, screw them. how about they apologize to elin for screwing around with her husband.

  15. Tia C says:

    @ popcorny: really really awesome ideas, lol.

    @ Rianna: totally agree about watching golf. Watching paint dry is FAR more exciting.

    All I can say is, even though it’s not my business, I really hope Elin never trusts him again. I wouldn’t.

  16. Alexa says:

    How inspirational it could be if he is being wholeheartedly genuine. It would be like that parable in the bible about the “lost” son and the “good” son, the two brothers.

    I don’t remember it too well, but here’s the jest of it:
    The first son regularly visits his parents, brings them gifts, is a good, hard-working, law-abiding and loyal son. The other brother is a wayward, jobless, substance-abusing and prostitute-visiting tramp who hasn’t visited his family or kept in touch in over ten years (except when he needs money, legal help, or bail).

    One weekend when the good son happens to be visiting, the other son unexpectedly shows up at the front door. He has cleaned up his act, is contrite and apologetic, and gives other evidence of having changed his ways. His father, overjoyed, calls all friends and family over for a huge all-day/all-night weekend-long celebration. He hires a band, gets a caterer, busts out his finest wines and champagnes – he makes it this big celebration.

    The “good” son feels deeply hurt by the reaction to his brother’s sudden appearance. He asks his father why his brother, who has been a horrible son, is being thrown this huge party in his honor while he has always been a fine, loyal son who has never caused his family any problems – but never has received any special fuss made over him. His father explains how blessed he is to have him for a son and how grateful he is every day for him, but explains that there is a reason to celebrate now because his brother was LOST but now is FOUND. (Something like that?)

    If Tiger can sincerely turns his life around, how truly inspirational and much richer his life could become. Ya know?

  17. bellaluna says:

    @ popcorny: too funny! Thank you for the laughs this a.m. as I’m dealing with a very cranky baby, and I appreciate your hilarity. I’ve also missed your posts! Maybe someone could fly one of those planes with the banner behind it saying something like “I banged Tiger and all I got was a golden shower” or something like that. Or maybe a sky-writer?

  18. Sudini says:

    He doesn’t at ALL appear to feel true remorse for his actions – just true remorse and embarassment that he got caught. He would still be lying and cheating if he hadn’t gotten caught.

    The level of disrespect he showed his wife and his familiy was so massive, he has a LOOOONG way to go before he can truly redeem himself and be worthy of anything other than disgust.

  19. Feebee says:

    He still sounded pissy when he didn’t really want to answer a question. Why bother Tiger? Why not say what you’re thinking like “I’ve apologised enough and if you don’t like it tough, now I’m off to hit some balls.”

  20. Sudini says:

    I really, really hope he loses the Masters. He just does NOT deserve that kind of a victory in his life after he’s been proven to be such a cruel and ugly person.

  21. cara says:

    i saw some of the shit on the news,when he said he missed his sons first birthday..boohoohoo and hoo.it was his fault for missing his sons first birthday and he expected what,us to feel bad for him? lol

  22. Me says:

    Hey Tiger, people couldn’t care less about you if if wasn’t for your prodigious golf swing. I play golf and I love your game but I still wouldn’t want to be in a flight with you. No amount of hole-in-ones from you is ever going to make me think you are a decent man. Because you aren’t. All you are is THAT WANKER WITH A GREAT GOLF SWING and ok equipment!

  23. Mel says:

    I like how the thing that was hardest about the situation was how he saw himself. Really? Seriously? What about all of the people you hurt with thoughtless, selfish actions. I want him humiliated too popcorny. The worst part about it is that he is never going to change. Tiger, Jon Gosselin, Jesse James and let’s say John Mayer for good measure should go to the island of despicible men and stay there so they can no longer humiliate others and pass disease.

  24. skibunny says:

    Popcorny: that was so funny!

  25. Sincerity says:

    Tiger Woods has entirely too much going for himself to swivel up in a corner and die of shame. The man is handling his business LIKE A REAL WINNER and regardless of how people may feel about his actions, the vast majority of us would do the same thing when our livelihoods are on the line.

    There’s no point in getting “all bent out of shape” when people fall short of our expectation because we’re not walking in their shoes. For the most part, I really hope that Tiger Woods does well at the Masters. He’s a phenomenal athlete and watching him play makes golf much more interesting to follow.

  26. Emily says:

    Lol at Popcorny and flourpot. I don’t think this or his public apology was sincere. I think he’s still the same person, and there’ll be further scandals to come. I’m still waiting for the various farm animals to start coming forward, selling their stories of their affairs with Tiger.

  27. biffalobul says:

    Tiger is the sme old pail of snot he always was. At the interview after the Masters yesterday, he was just as shitty as ever. “I came to win and I’m not happy when I don’t.”
    Could not say one nice thing about anybody.
    Eat shit Tiger.

  28. What i feel is he just does not deserve that kind of a victory because he is cruel and has has shown that and now he is just repenting for it..lolzz..

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