In April, Kylie Kelce told Not Gonna Lie listeners that she was against letting her four daughters attend sleepovers at their friends’ houses, citing “trust issues.” She said she had no problems letting her girls join evening and morning activities, but drew the line at them spending the night. Ashley Tisdale is in the anti-sleepover camp. Ashley has two daughters, Jupiter Iris, five, and Emerson Clover, 20 months. In a recent essay on her website, Ashley shared her thoughts on sleepovers. Her reasoning comes from a childhood memory where she felt vulnerable, and she suggested some alternatives to sleepovers. Here’s what Ashley had to say:
This might be controversial, but I’m just not a fan of sleepovers. Part of this is my own history, because one time, I was staying over at my best friend’s house at the same time that her older brother had a bunch of friends over. They were probably around 10 years old. I thought I’d slept soundly through the night, but the next morning, they all thought it was HILARIOUS that I had gone sleepwalking. I remember feeling really weird and vulnerable about having no memory of that.
These days, my hesitation around sleepovers goes beyond my own childhood embarrassment. As a parent, it comes down to this: You can know someone well and still not really know them. You just don’t always know who people are in their home. You don’t know how parents talk to each other, how they handle conflict, who else has access to the home… the list goes on. A family can seem lovely from the outside, and most are. But the risk of getting it wrong isn’t one I’m willing to take.
I’m not trying to be dramatic about this. I know the odds are in our favor and that tons of kids have fun at sleepovers. But I also know that when things do go wrong for kids, statistically, it’s rarely due to a stranger. So the idea that I know someone “well enough” only goes so far.
With that said, I really want my daughters to have fun with their friends. Of course I don’t want them to miss out on the joys of childhood! So this is the plan. Some of my friends and I have decided that when our girls are older, we’ll do some group getaways. The moms can get away from the house for a night, bring the kids, and they can have a sleepover in the same space. (Maybe an Airbnb or hotel rooms with a shared door.) The kids can have their independence and fun while the parents unwind nearby. That feels different and doable.
If you’re Team Sleepover, you won’t find any judgment from me. All of us have to figure out what works best for our families: iPads or no iPads, TV or no TV, sleepovers or no. Different households have different needs and different rules, and that’s okay. I can respect other people’s opinions! But as the kid who went sleepwalking through someone else’s house, I think I’m going to spare my kids that kind of midnight adventure.
I don’t think Ashley’s opinion is controversial at all. Although I grew up in an era when the sleepover was a rite of passage, I completely understand where Ashley and Kylie are coming from. Even in an age where parents can stay in constant contact and track their child’s location, you still don’t know who or what they could be exposed to in someone else’s home. The “group getaway” idea intrigues me. It’s not a bad compromise, but most kids are going to be over the idea when they reach middle school age. Kids that age are looking for independence from their parents.
As Ashley said, every family is trying to figure out what’s best for them. Each individual situation is different, too. Families like Ashley and Kylie also have the celebrity aspect to take into account, which potentially adds an extra layer of danger. When we covered Kylie’s opinion, many of you recommended having a code phrase that your child can use if they are uncomfortable or need to be picked up. I love that idea and started doing it with my own children.
Photos credit: mpi099/MediaPunch/INSTARimages, Roger Wong/INSTARimages, Getty Images and via Instagram
I, too, have trust issues. We’ve had kids sleep over a lot, but I’ve let my daughter sleep over less at other people’s houses – and only when I know the hosts well. We each have to keep our kids safe in the way we’re comfortable. And always listen to your intuition.
I had to think back and I realized my parents had at least met all of the parents of the kids whose sleepovers I went to even if they didn’t know them well. Friends’ sleepovers were all great. The crazy thing was that my parents would send me to stay at my cousin’s house on school breaks and my aunt’s now ex husband was known by the whole family to be abusive to his wife and kids. It was absolutely terrifying to witness, especially as a child. And I was a little kid and didn’t know how to advocate for myself to my parents about not wanting to be near that man. I know it’s that my parents wanted my cousin to have time with me but damn. I would never send my daughter into a situation like that. So Ashley has a point that it’s rarely a stranger.
Totally respect everyone’s right to parent their own way, I just personally don’t understand the difference between a sleepover and a playdate as far as potential for some sort of harm happening. Sure, sleeping leaves someone a bit more vulnerable, but bad things can happen at all times of the day- sleeping or awake. For me, if I question my child’s physical/mental/emotional safety at someone’s house, they are not going to the house for any amount of time.
I went on many sleepovers as a kid, and I loved them all. It breaks my heart that so many people had a different experience that shadowed what could have been a great memory.
I completely agree. I loved sleepovers and allowed my daughter to do go as well. We even allowed her to bring a friend on vacations because it was much easier to deal with two children than an only child.
I feel sorry for the children who are so sheltered. How will they cope with the real world?
Me, too. As a kid, I loved sleepovers. Often because other families were a lot more fun than mine.
And I think her kids are going to feel a bit smothered if this is indicative of how she is raising them. I’d also think parents whose kids are sleeping over a friend’s house would enjoy the downtime of having the house to themselves for a few hours.
I support people’s choice, either way. My best friend and I grew up a few streets away from each other and were constantly sleeping at each other’s houses.
I feel sad that it’s such an unsafe world in so many ways. But I was shocked when a friend in NYC told me that when her son has play dates (he’s 8 now) – just play dates- the parent or nanny of the other child is always in attendance and so is she. That’s crazy to me! My socially awkward mother would never have condoned any play dates for me if this had been the case! She would have died inside from shyness.
People really don’t understand that security always comes at a cost. Humans are social animals and children learn to be functional adults by interacting with each other in child only spaces. So many sleepovers as a kid.
Parents should deal with their trust issues with a therapist not by limiting their children’s lives and flourishing.
Yes, kids can flourish without sleepovers, but I’ve worked for a long time in higher ed and with these kids burdened with their parents unresolved anxiety issues
One of my comfort watches during these troubled times is Trevor Noah. He has spoke about how isolated everyone is now because parents/extended families no longer really socialize and kids no longer really play together. Every little family unit is an isolated unit because everyone is so terrified of each other. We have to protect kids, but something important got lost along the way. It is sad how everyone has went into isolated rabbitholes and spends most of their time with their heads down, staring at little rectangular screens and not really even interacting with their immediate familes. We are social creatures and social media/the internet does not replace human interaction. It is very important from an early age to teach your children about s#x and what is inappropriate. Little kids probably shouldn’t have sleep overs and kids shouldn’t stay anywhere the parents don’t know everyone, but overprotecting your kids isn’t great, either. At some point they are going to be set loose into the world without you and need social experiences outside your home. Isolation, especially is Evangelical c#lts, is partially how we ended up with the c#lt of the magat trash.