Janelle Monae: Women should withhold sex until men respect us

Kendall Jenner appears in a commercial for Pepsi

Janelle Monae covers the May issue of Marie Claire. The May issue is the Fresh Faces issue, and there are five cover subjects: Janelle, Aja Naomi King, Emily Ratajkowski, Zoey Deutch and Alexandra Daddario. To me, Janelle isn’t a fresh face because she’s been around for years. She had her breakthrough as an actress last year, of course, so in that sense she’s “fresh.” Anyway, I like Janelle a lot – she was one of the best parts in two Oscar-nominated films last year, Moonlight and Hidden Figures. And I hope we get to see more of her in the years to come. As for this MC interview… she sounds badass. Someone needs to cast her as Lysistrata.

On respecting women: “People have to start respecting the vagina. Until every man is fighting for our rights, we should consider stopping having sex. I love men. But evil men? I will not tolerate that. You don’t deserve to be in my presence. If you’re going to own this world and this is how you’re going to rule this world, I am not going to contribute anymore until you change it. We have to realize our power and our magic. Because I am all about black-girl magic, even though I’m standing with all women. But this year? This year, I am so carefree black girl.”

On being strong and in control as a woman: “It is important to redefine what sexy is. To redefine style… It is important for women to be [in control], especially when gender norms and conformity are pushed upon us. Women automatically are told that this is how you should look. This is how you should get a man. This is how you should get a woman. You need to fit into all these boxes to be accepted. I don’t subscribe to that way of thinking. I don’t think we all have to take the same coordinates to reach the same destination. I believe in embracing what makes you unique even if it makes others uncomfortable. I have learned there is power in saying no. I have agency. I get to decide.”

On the origin of her singular sense of style: “Being poor helped me be more creative. It was my superpower. I had to get comfortable in my own skin—you know when somebody walks in a room and they have such a confidence that they dare you to say something about them.”

[From Marie Claire]

Should women – realistically – withhold sex until men respect us? It’s literally a question as old as time. I don’t believe that men, as a group, will ever entirely respect us. We will convert some men to our cause, and maybe withholding sex will change a few minds. But is withholding sex indefinitely really going to move the needle that much? No. Probably not, because there will always be women who are like “Oh, I’m not like those nasty feminists, I love sex!” Also: this whole idea of withholding sex plays into the notion that sex is something that only men really want, not women. Women enjoy sex just as much as men for the most part. Still, gotta start somewhere! And you’ve got to break a few eggs to make an omelet, you know? We’ve tried talking to them. We’ve tried educating them. We’ve tried to be their friends. And it’s still not working. Order your vibrators and let’s get to it.

Kendall Jenner appears in a commercial for Pepsi

Photos courtesy of Nicolas Moore/Marie Claire.

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75 Responses to “Janelle Monae: Women should withhold sex until men respect us”

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  1. eggyweggs says:

    She’s so pretty and so cool. That’s all.

  2. D says:

    Can’t we try to figure out a way to solve this problem without withholding sex? Because this plan doesn’t sound like much fun at all. 😉

  3. Brittney B says:

    Are you reading this, Tyrese?!

    He was obsessed with this woman, and this is the *perfect* companion piece to his interview today.

    • Almondjoy says:

      Omg right?! I literally said the same about his obsession with her in the Tyrese thread. But the bad thing about him is that he feels she’s the type of woman who deserves respect… he puts women into categories and she falls into the good category. He’ll never get it.

    • detritus says:

      as if Monae would give him the time of day. what a twit he is.

      Tyrese is exactly the type of man she means.

  4. swak says:

    I’m sorry, withholding sex is not the way to get a man to respect you. If you don’t want to have sex, don’t but don’t withhold sex on purpose. We need to have meaningful conversations. There are some men and women that are never going to respect women and/or men and you won’t change their minds.

  5. Kitten says:

    I read the headline and was ready to get feisty but in full context I agree with everything she says here.

    • detritus says:

      I’m not going to go full on a ‘no sex’ ban, but I would 100% support no sex for men who use the words slut, thot, ho, etc.

      Can we cut them off? I’m sure there will be enough of the good dick to go around.

      • Kitten says:

        Exactly, Detritus. This seems like a really good plan to me.

      • Sixer says:

        I think we should have sex with the bad dicks, then laugh at them and say they won’t be getting repeat custom if that’s all they’ve got to offer.

      • detritus says:

        lol, the ole ‘show em what they’re missing’ tactic eh?

        we just need a catchy phrase…
        no blowjobs for blowhards?
        Only once if you’re a dunce?

      • Sixer says:

        I like only once if you’re a dunce!

        “It’s sweet you think I might want to date you, deary, but I only give return business to the good dicks.”

  6. Suki says:

    If all women worldwide withheld for a year, the world would definitely change, but rape rates would rise!

    • Lady D says:

      So would murder rates.

    • anna says:

      everytime i think about this, i arrive at really radical conclusions. women wouldn’t be raped, beaten or even harassed at the rate they are, if men knew for sure that there would be resistance. and i mean violent resistance. just to be clear, i oppose violence, but where did it lead women in society to be the peacekeepers and the silent sufferers? into submission, that’s where.

      • Lady D says:

        I’ve become a firm believer that restraining orders should come with a gun. That’s the only way some women will be safe.
        When I spoke of murder rates rising, I meant that more women could/would possibly die. A castration program I read about in the 70’s proved that when truly angry men couldn’t rape, they would turn to murder to get their release. Women are no safer.

      • anna says:

        wow. you have a link for that?

      • detritus says:

        certain parts of Africa, I think North and West areas, tried using a rape guard.
        Inserted like a sleeve it would send needles into the rapists penis upon insertion and would need to be removed by a doctor.

        It increased the rate of murder that followed rape by a significant enough margin they discontinued the project.

      • pato says:

        this. thanks.

        we like sex but we can live without it, unlike men that go nuts if they don´t get laid. and we don´t kill men because they don´t want to hook up with us.

  7. Craven says:

    So does being in a long dry spell count? Seriously though, this call has been made in a number of African countries over the last decade. Sure its impractical and problematic in some ways but it does get people talking about the lack of male allies, about female sexuality, about feelings of powerlessness, about how to effectively influence. The call itself, even without action, IS powerful.

  8. Shambles says:

    This post is everything. I absolutely love her. She is queen of Tuesday.

  9. Lucy says:

    I think I can hear Tyrese crying…

  10. Jeesie says:

    I loathe the withholding sex idea. As you said, it just furthers the notion that women don’t actually like sex and that it’s something they do for men. Something they give to men. And it puts the onus on women. We’re supposed to deny ourselves pleasure because of a problem with men? So as usual we’re the ones who have to change and sacrifice because of a problem we aren’t causing.

    Inevitably it pits women against each other, because, shocker, getting half the worlds population to agree to do something and follow through won’t work. So it becomes about the women ‘letting down the cause’ by enjoying a healthy relationship/sex life.

    Plus, end of the day, you can’t get lousy people to become good people by trying to force their hand. That’s not how it works. At best you’d just get some guys pretending they’ve changed for a little while.

  11. DahliaDee says:

    Right, because men would never put restrictions or make demands of women’s bodies without their consent. Oh, wait!

  12. QQ says:

    Baby WYD?? *SCHREECH* I Love you sis, and My Love you Look STUNNING in these pics, queen that you are, Winner at the game of life Truly… But WE are not gonna do this, we are NOT going to say let’s keep our legs closed then they will___ NO NOPE not Today not on 2017, not to girls not to grown women, Our like, love for sex, physical urges, will NOT Be the determining factor to our respectability/love granting or nothing F*ck That Today, tomorrow, forever, That said also we have brains and Critical Thinking so OF COURSE we oughta not administer our DELICIOUS GOD GIVEN MAGIC QUEENDOMS to Republican men, idiots and bottom dwellers the likes of BelaFauxten, Penns, and assorted but COME ON SIS, WE KNOW THAT

  13. MissMerry says:

    I don’t know, withholding sex means that eventually we plan on ‘giving it back’, and then there’s a good chance things will just go back to the way they were.

    I also think that denying yourself sex as a woman to prove a point to a man (or men) doesn’t make sense. I feel like it would perpetuate the thought of ‘oh, as a woman you can’t ‘not’ have sex with your man, or men? you must be a slut if you’re not withholding for the cause’

    It’s not like we’re withholding sex from the men who are in power and making laws and decisions that hurt women, either. I think the wives, girlfriends and consorts of the men in power could withhold sex in the name of women and make a different…but would that difference last? Or would we all just end up getting assaulted and raped and told ‘well, shouldn’t hold it back from us’ because that lack of respect is already engrained?

    Plus there are so many toys and purchasable holes men can stick it into, they’d probably find a way to treat us as less than them and still get their kicks from toys and robots.

  14. Evie says:

    There is an ancient Greek play called “Lysistrata” where women ended a war because they refused to have sex with men until a peace treaty was signed.

    • MoreSalt says:

      I was coming to point this out! This is not a novel or new idea. My university put on the play and it was fantastic.

    • JaneFr says:

      Yes. I caught the reference, we studied the play and it’s probabilities in today’s word yeas ago at school. So I immediately thought it was more an allusion to a coming together plan than an sex is the answer to every thing.

  15. littlemissnaughty says:

    I don’t hate the idea. At the very least, just don’t sleep with a guy who doesn’t respect you. There, done. Because THAT is the real issue. We don’t have to come together as a group to make this decision. If women were raised with self-confidence and a sense of self-worth, this would be the status quo. Don’t respect me? GTFO.

    • anna says:

      totally agree! posted something similar before i saw your comment.

    • Beth says:

      Absolutely. I take a while before I have sex to make sure there’s respect from both of us. Just because I’m a woman who is like this doesn’t mean all women have to be like this. We’re all different and can each make our own decisions.

  16. Annetommy says:

    Respect the vagina? More than the uterus or pancreas or appendix? It’s women that need respecting, not their pus@ies. And I know that’s meant to be her message but it seems an odd way of expressing it.

  17. anniefannie says:

    Shes from Kansas City Ks ( little known fact, there’s a Kansas City, Mo AND and Kansas City, KS)
    so excited that this ethereal, enlightened goddess is hometown adjacent to me!

  18. Hannah says:

    I don’t think this is very realistic hahaha. And some men will never respect women. But came here to say that she’s supertalented and cool and a mogul in the making, she signed jidenna to her label, i have got mad respect for her.

  19. Jenny says:

    In Germany on a late night talkshow they sometime produce these ironic music videos, with this one being all about how the woman in the video has so many goals and dreams but they are shattered “because I have a vagina” (direct translation). It would be pretty funny if it wasn’t so maddening. Here is a link, I think it should be fine with subtitles: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=At9bBaPJ5-8

  20. serena says:

    She’s gorgeous!

  21. Nancy says:

    Hmm. Don’t know if she literally means to use sex or lack thereof as a weapon. Sorry I’m not into that game.

  22. Heat says:

    Spike Lee’s Chi-Raq is a satirical take on Lysistrata. The women withheld sex to stop gang violence in Chicago. Teyonah Parris is SO GREAT in it.

  23. ell says:

    i think some disgusting misogynist men should never get laid ever, but then again the women who sleep with these men suffer from internalised misogyny themselves. like, i wouldn’t touch a misogynist with a barge pole.

  24. Lafawnda says:

    Sounds good, Janelle. You first.

  25. MI6 says:

    #LisEstrada

  26. kay says:

    she makes my eyes happy. she makes my heart happy. she makes my brain happy.
    as a former rake, i must say i find her idea somewhat appealing in theory…but practical application of such? nope.
    i wish i had an answer to this age old issue, but i don’t.
    ah well, some food for thought…and a blessing for the eyes this morning.
    <3

  27. Her H!gn3ss says:

    i get her point. but i like to do IT.

  28. third ginger says:

    She is my daughter’s idol. I wonder if she has read this.

  29. chromeprincess says:

    I think it also comes down to let’s get to know a person before becoming intimate with them. If the dude is calling you a ho, slut, bitch right after “Hi my name is..” he is Eminem.. and you should have expected it from him..LOL at my own lame joke 😛 Seriously if a man is calling you that within 5mins of meeting you..don’t let his parts touch yours. I am level 43 in this game called Life and maybe this is why I sound like a grumpy ole bag but I feel we are given away supapowers (our body, mind, spirit aka our core) to most that should not be receiving it.

  30. vivi says:

    So you are basically a… prostitute?

    Like sex is the most important thing you have to offer to a guy, so you’ll cut off the air supply until he mends his ways?

    Yeah… he’ll watch porn a few days, then find a barely legal girl thirsty for attention and approval and that will be that. You sit at home, withhold sex

    Putting a price on your vagina and utilizing it accordingly is what prostitutes do. Nice going there. F-ing idiot, thinking she is now Socrates b/c she has been given some attention in Hollywood…

  31. Ana says:

    Yes, sure, let’s get men’s respect because they want our vagina and not because we deserve it. Sigh. I like most of what she says, but that idea is just so retrograde, absurd and stereotypical. It’s like the sexist men who believe in withholding money in the household as punishment to their wives. Because men only care about sex and women only care about being provided for, get it?? When are we going to evolve this debate a little?

  32. deevia says:

    So much word salad and cool posturing…

  33. Emma says:

    Janelle Monae is one of my favorite badass ladies, but I’m not sure I’m with her on this one. Withholding anything, including sex is manipulation, and I am sure there are ten thousand more ways to show your strength without using a toxic tactic like that. :/ Ladies, you with me?

    • Anna says:

      No. Anything goes as long as it leads to a redistribution of power from men to women. This is a struggle. No one gives up their power just because you ask nicely and in the right words.

  34. Lobbit says:

    Respect from men or anyone else should not be predicated on what I do or don’t do with my sex organs. Like, I love ya Janelle, but come ON.

  35. Marianne says:

    Im sorry but Im gonna have to disagree with her. Not only is that equally punishing towards women (well except for lesbians, bis and asexuals) but men should want to support womens rights because they believe in it. Not because they are getting something out of it.

  36. Trashaddict says:

    The flip side is that I’m not going to share something that’s very precious to me, with someone who doesn’t value my thoughts and opinions. I think that’s where she was coming from. Anyway, I don’t know if we will ever get away from sex being a commodity. It’s not just a commodity for sex workers and anybody who thinks otherwise is delusional. But the situation makes me sad.

    • Otaku Fairy says:

      I agree with you about her meaning it more in a “Misogynistic disrespectful dudes are beneath us and make me not want to have sex with men” type of way. Some people may call that prostitution (even though all decisions about to fuck or not to fuck have to do with wanting or needing something) or even ‘manipulation’, but I think the idea that women not being willing to sleep with men no matter what their beliefs and behaviors are, is ‘manipulative’ is backward. If you can’t respect members of a group and support their equality, what business do you have even dating, marrying, or sleeping with them? But I don’t believe that women not having sex with men as a group would be effective in fighting misogyny.