Madonna banishes the number 50 from b-day party, says she is ‘spiritually 36’

Madonna officially turns 50 tomorrow, but nobody’s allowed to wish her a happy 50th- at least not to her surgically altered face. A-Rod’s alleged soul mate is forbidding the number 50 from being displayed or uttered at her upcoming birthday bash, because according to the Kabbalah religion, she’s really on 36. Hey, no wonder this religion is catching on with celebrities.

Madonna has it on very high authority that she is, in fact, 36.

Not only that, but the grand lady of pop has slapped a gagging order on anyone whispering the number… shhh… 50 at her star-studded celebrations tomorrow.

Guests at her country pile are under strict instructions not to give any cards, cakes or presents bearing the number 50 or face the wrath of the muscle-bound Material Girl.

But how could we have got it so wrong?

Well, using ancient techniques known only to a select few, the high priests of Kabbalah have calculated her spiritual age by channelling the energy of the poptastic one. And it’s, um, 36.

How convenient.

So does that mean that in 1994 she was actually 22?

[From The Daily Mirror]

You know, I think for my 39th birthday next year, I’m going to take a page from Madge’s book and declare myself spiritually 24. Yeah, that was a pretty good year for me- I could still rock a bikini back then. Anyone who wishes me a ‘Happy 39th’ will be thrown out on their ass and slapped. Because if Madonna can do it, I can too! Of course, I won’t have her man arms or cheek implants, but that’s ok.

Picture Note by JayBird: Hereโ€™s Madonna heading to Kabbalah on Monday. Images thanks to Bauer Griffin.

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34 Responses to “Madonna banishes the number 50 from b-day party, says she is ‘spiritually 36’”

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  1. daisy424 says:

    Kabbalah should shave years off of her age for the money she donates.

  2. javagirl1 says:

    Hell, I plan on claiming to be 29 for the next five years!

  3. Jenna says:

    I wish she would go away. She’s had great success since the 1800’s but it’s her time to pass the cone bra to Amy Winehouse.

    Don’t get me wrong, I dance around in my room in white underwear to “Like A Virgin” every single day. ๐Ÿ˜ˆ

  4. Syko says:

    Can you say “denial”?

    Time marches on, even for the Madonnas of the world. Personally I’m 19 inside, but my body is turning 66 next week and I’m gonna party like it’s 1942, and anyone can call me “old” who wants to!

  5. Alexis says:

    Did the Kaballah Mystics take into account her shoes? Those are not the shoes of a 36 year old, spiritually or otherwise. I suppose infidelity doesn’t have an effect upon your spiritual age either. Maybe it does, maybe she could have been a spiritual 34 yr. old, but she blew it (no pun intended) with A-Rod.
    Anyway, I would think you would want to be spiritually older than your physical age. Wouldn’t it be nicer to have the spiritual wisdom and knowledge of an 80 yr. old when you’re 50. Clearly the mystics got it wrong. Madonna is spiritually a tween, an idol worshiping, image obsessed, body dismorphic adolescent.

  6. Lauri says:

    Hey, I didn’t know we were allowed to do that!

    I hereby declare myself 28 again!

    Yay me!

  7. Mr. T says:

    I thought Dee-Nile was a river in Eygpt.

  8. xiaoecho says:

    Is this true?? Madge is usually so sassy and self confident – it’s not like her to fight a pointless battle like this. We all meet our match in the end – maybe Mother Nature is Madonnas Waterloo

  9. LiLi says:

    michael jackson called and wants his shoes back
    happy 50th, bitch

  10. Baholicious says:

    LiLi: LOL, right on the money!

  11. Kaiser says:

    But how old are her cheekbones?!?

    **dramatic music***

    But seriously, isn’t the Hebrew tradition to *add* numbers? Like, aren’t the Jews living in the year 3056 right now?

  12. RReedy says:

    Spiritually, she may be 36, but she comes across as being mentally 15 in the body of a wizened, blond gnome.

  13. rose says:

    Yes, I understand Madonna, because in a few months I will be celebrating the 8 year anniversary of my 30th birthday. ๐Ÿ˜€

  14. alex says:

    Spiritually 36, visually 66.

    ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜† ๐Ÿ˜†

  15. Larissa says:

    she is getting pathetic

  16. czarina says:

    If this is true, I’m really disappointed in her. As xiaoecho said, she used to be so self-confident and totally embraced herself at every stage. I would have expected Madonna of all people to have a “Half Century of Perfection” party (or whatever). Why would she end up giving into this social/Hollywood nonesense that getting older is embarassing and something that needs to be fought with surgery and silence?
    I have really lost respect for her.

  17. comment says:

    doesn’t she look scary with the man arms and the veins all over her… she used to be so beautiful and confident but then like 10 years ago she started to go on a weird path. how can someone be in so much denial? and her ‘religion’ only wants her ’cause she has tons of money lol that’s why only rich hollywood types are allowed in the cult

  18. xiaoecho says:

    czarina…….it does sound out of character doesn’t it?

  19. Ron says:

    For some reason this is just not ringing true to me. Much like the “Don’t look Ms. Steisand in the eyes” crap. Especially since she’s having a party to acknowledge her glorious birth. Wonder if God will show? Was he invited?

  20. Orangejulius says:

    Remember when she was making comments about Cher being past it years and years ago. How does it feel now, Madge?

  21. I think she is deluded about reality.

    We all get old. Even her.

  22. hello says:

    I could see this being true. She’s a major “this doesn’t apply to me” person. She cut in adoption line in Malawi. She refuses to let people go through her land or hunt on it in England, but all country wildlife belongs to the people, so they can pass through and hunt…or something like that. I don’t really know. I think I read it in LondonLite once.

    I don’t sound very smart right now. All I mean is she acts like she’s better than everyone else. Long day! :mrgreen:

  23. drm says:

    Happy B’day Syko! And Alex a truer work was never spoken…but I think you were being kind…more like 86…on a good day.

    And I agree I wish she would go away too, its just getting sad and tiresome..You’re 50 Madge and not even a direct line Yahweh or alien spacecraft is gonna change it…

  24. Trashaddict says:

    Woman looks positively unhealthy. Her face is getting that anorexic look (50 years of gravity makes your face look thin, at least). If she’d stop dressing in funereal colors, maybe 50 wouldn’t be so scary!

  25. Nudgie says:

    Can’t someone find a website to Maverick (if that still exists!) or the Malawi Rent-a-Kid Center or SOMEWHERE and have EVERYONE on the planet (with internet access of course – this leaves YOU out, China…) send her a “Happy 50th Madge!” e-mail?

    She will shit AARP cufflinks ๐Ÿ˜›

  26. enchantress says:

    There have been a few B.I.’s in recent months which might lead readers to conclude that Madonna is actually HIV +. Looking at her cachexic appearance I’m thinking this could really be true. If so, I feel sorry for her and her kids.
    Think about it – would someone as image-conscious as this woman allow herself to look this bad if she could help it?

  27. rottenkitty says:

    She had some kind of work on her face and now she no longer looks like herself. I never thought of her as a great beauty, but she had such a, “I’m gorgeous” attitude. Now, she just looks like she’s trying too hard to look young. It’s kinda sad.

  28. Mme X says:

    oh, please. 50 isn’t that old. wouldn’t it be better just to say nothing about it? Isn’t it conceding to agism and sexism by making such a fuss about it? sigh. ๐Ÿ˜•

  29. Nan says:

    Happy Birthday, Madonna. Hope you are in NY right now because the weather is fabulous today. Man, I gotta get out of this addictive CB spiral if only on the weekends.

  30. Madonna is not HIV + or suffering any other illness.

    She looks this way because she is GETTING OLDER. (Whether she likes it or not)

  31. vdantev says:

    Accepting your age is the first step to ignoring its effects.

  32. paris herpes says:

    She certainly looks older than 50 right now. At 36 she had a much better body then she does now. Maybe because she actually ate meat back in those days.

  33. Ariel says:

    Good for her.

  34. The style of writing is quite familiar to me. Have you written guest posts for other blogs?