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I’m loathe to cover another Charlie Sheen story, but like getting out of bed when you have a raging hangover it has to be done. (I didn’t have more than a couple glasses of wine last night during the most boring Oscars ever, but Charlie makes me think of hangovers.) Anyway Charlie was on The Today Show this morning. Advance reports had him giving an “exclusive” to ABC and Good Morning America, but there was said to be drama over ABC not being allowed by the Academy to promote the interview during the Oscars, so maybe that led Charlie into the arms of the other major network besides his former employer, CBS. (Update: Charlie did ABC and GMA too, see below.) Charlie said a bunch of ridiculous, entitled, addict-type sh*t as he has during this entire hiatus from Two and A Half Men. He looked like an ashen skeleton with a weave on his head. If I saw him on the playground when my kid was there I would watch him like a hawk.

Charlie demanded a 50% raise to $3 million an episode, which confirms he was making $2 million an episode up until the show got canceled for the rest of the season. He made some comments about how he was overworked and underpaid and then said that he would own CBS or something. He may be “sober” and he may have passed a drug test from Radar, but his brain has some major holes in it obviously. US Weekly has a good recap that will help me avoid having to transcribe much of this:

In an interview that aired Monday, the embattled Two and a Half Men star, 45, sat down with the Today Show to slam CBS, show creator Chuck Lorre — and insist that he’s on the straight and narrow.

Asked if he’s clean. Sheen retorted, “Look at me. DUH.” The last time he did drugs? “Don’t remember. Don’t care. Drug tests don’t lie.”

The actor admits that he derailed a bit before the two-day bender in January that led him to the hospital. “I don’t know if I’d call it out of control, but the choices I was making weren’t leading to the choice I wanted. I woke up and thought, ‘you’re 45 years old with 5 kids. Let’s do something different.’ I got bored.”

Sheen stopped short of calling his at-home treatment “rehab.” “It was a crisis management center we labeled the Sober Valley Lodge,” the star quipped.

Speaking of his five kids — four of them under ten — Sheen said that he’s not ashamed of his behavior. “God no. Talk about an education!”

He urged his fans not to worry about his health. “I’ve always had a plan and executed it perfectly. Sometimes I overshoot the mark, whatever.” Bizarrely, he boasted of having “tiger blood” and “Adonis blood” to help him kick his addictions.

As for his continued rants against CBS and Chuck Lorre — who put the show on hiatus recently — he explained: “My passion is misinterpreted as anger…I don’t think people are ready for the message I’m delivering and delivering with a sense of violent love.”

That “violent love” came out again as Sheen blasted Chuck Lorre. “Clearly he didn’t bring gum for everyone,” he said, blasting Lorre’s “dictatorial laziness.”

“Come Wednesday morning,” he added, “they’re going to rename [the studio] Charlie Brothers and not Warner Brothers…At this point, it’s 3 million an episode, take it or leave it. Defeat is not an option.”

“If people think I’m insane or if they don’t think what I’m saying is true, I have no interest in their retarded opinions,” he retorted. “I’m going to live my life the way I want and I’m going to win every moment!”

[From US Weekly]

If Charlie would have just sat tight with his little harem and kept his mouth shut CBS and Chuck Lorre would probably be able to deal with him. Instead he’s trying to prove that he’s right and is making it obvious that he’s in no state to wipe his own ass nonetheless carry a major network comedy. He has no clue how he’s coming across and he’s asking for more money for a few hours acting than most of us will make in a lifetime of hard work. He thinks the world revolves around him. “it’s everyone else who is going to be begging me for their job back…. look what they put me through.” He also spouted some crap about how he’s a rock star and no one can process it. The few fans he had left are going to abandon him soon, and he’s going to have to sell off his cars, watches and house to pay for drugs and hookers.

Oh and Charlie claimed that Sean Penn and Colin Farrell stopped by his house to offer support. If that’s even true, they’re probably offering new jobs to Charlie’s “goddesses.”

Update: Charlie did ABC and Good Morning America too. Check out the coverage of that on DListed and the video is below. He seems even crazier if that’s even possible, he looks even worse and says he’s going to sue over getting shitcanned.