From the Desk of Clive Owen: Mustache rides are free, but the dong is priceless



My darling biscuits,

I know it has been much too long since we lost spoke. I have been away, growing this lovely mustache. I didn’t want you to see me while it was still in the “dirtlip” stages, because I think of you always. I think of you, thinking of me, your biscuits getting all hot and bothered, and I enjoy that thought. I know that your biscuits wouldn’t rise if you saw the mustache in its early stages. As it is now, I know that I might be losing some of you. I accept that. Because all it would take is one growl, one flash of my green eyes, one half-smile, and your biscuits would be mine once again.

However, this costume is tragic. Gird your biscuits, my darlings, because I am playing Ernest Hemingway, noted misogynist. And apparently, Hemingway wore clam-diggers and no socks. But it will be fine. Because you’re already imagining me out of these clothes and in your bed.

This little movie is called Hemingway & Gellhorn, and I’m working with Nicole Kidman. Can I just tell you something, my loves? I worry about Nicole. I worry that if I have to kiss her, I am going to damage one of her inflated lips. But her biscuits will charmed, I’m sure. We’re filming this thing in San Francisco… so I imagine that I’ll be getting cat-calls from the ladies and the gentlemen. As I should. Frisco biscuits should come and visit me – I would enjoy your adoration.

I enjoyed speaking with you once again. It’s been too long. Now that biscuits know where to find me, I’m hoping that I can drop you a line more often.




Photos courtesy of Fame.

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27 Responses to “From the Desk of Clive Owen: Mustache rides are free, but the dong is priceless”

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  1. Cherry Rose says:

    Normally I don’t like mustaches on men, but Clive Owen owns it.

  2. brin says:

    Awww….biscuits & dong for Wednesday morning!

  3. Rita says:

    He doesn’t look much like Hemmingway. He acts like all the other “Men Without Women” strolling along the warf longing for his youth but alas, just another “Old Man and the Sea”. His attire is to ask the question, “To Have and Have Not” and while his morning mood appears sullen, he understands the “Sun Also Rises” but at the end of it all there is only “Death in the Afternoon”.

    Yeah, I’m a fan.

  4. Hautie says:

    This is not a good look.

    He has slipped over to the, dirty old man who has candy in his pocket for you, look.

    “C’mere little girl… Uncle Clive has some candy for you…”

    Then he licks his lips. *shudder*

  5. Arianna says:

    yes thank you for this!
    i whole-heartedly approve the stache!!

    it’s clive fucking owen people!

  6. serena says:

    He gained too much weight. and god, he’s horrible in that sweat and shoes.

  7. Dorothy#1 says:

    So funny kaiser!
    I actually like the ‘stache.

  8. lemniskate says:

    Wow. He looks like Mel Gibson… and that’s NOT a good thing.

  9. mia says:

    Hautie sounds like she is having flashbacks…
    No way is Clive a dirty old guy!!

  10. jen34 says:

    @Hautie Thanks for the laugh this morning. Very creepy, indeed.

  11. Racheal says:

    He was filming a movie in Ann Arbor last year, and I spotted him while taking my daughter to school. I quickly turned the car around to loop back for a second glance. When we got to school my daughter said “My mom almost made me late so she could look at some guy.” A few judgmental glances flew my way until I said “Clive Owen.” There were several sympathetic nods that followed. Her teacher said “I fully understand. It’s okay to be late to see him.”

  12. Celebitchy says:

    “apparently, Hemingway wore clam-diggers and no socks” LMAO!

  13. REALIST says:

    This is NOT a good look. It doesn’t fit Clive. He has been troubled and tragic, as in “I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead” or “Children of Men”, but now he’s just playing one of my least favorite writers, the original “man’s man”.
    Apologies to Hemingway fans, this is more about the man. Who would want to play a drunken, disturbed, self-absorbed a–hole like him? Clive should have taken a pass.
    I met “Papa’s” ghosts in Key West, and they were not pretty. That’s where he dumped his then wife and ran off with Ms. Gellhorn (who looked nothing like Kidman-this should be interesting…)

  14. Isabel says:

    nonononono…a goatee would be hot, but not a Ron Swanson mustache!

    I mean, I would totally hit it…it’s Clive Owen, and he is the sexiest thing in the history of sexy…but the stache is icky!

  15. EdithP says:

    I think my biscuits retracted in horror at the mustache. But, if it’s for art, it’s ok. I think he does look like Hemingway — except for the North Face jacket, of course.

  16. Johnny Depp's Girl says:

    He would look good in anything..

    Thank you Kaiser!!

  17. the original bellaluna says:

    Thank you, Kaiser, for a lovely hump-day treat!

  18. Hammer says:

    He does NOT rock the ‘tache! Sorry, not a sexy look for him, even if he was cleaned up. He always looks like a horse to me, anyway.

  19. Ally says:

    Hey, how about Clive Owen for the Bourne movies? They could do prequels of the time before Bourne shot him. I’d pay to see that (I’d pay not to see LeBeouf in anything ever.)

  20. baum says:

    that sort of moustache is called a thigh-tickler…

  21. bluhare says:

    Whoa. I’m Clive’s #1 worshipper but not looking like that!

  22. Camille says:

    Clive I love you, but that is not a good look. 🙁

  23. betteboo says:

    Looks like he had to put on a little chunk too… but I still would tho. ‘Tash is temporary, Clive dong is forever

  24. Stephanie says:

    My biscuits prefer Clive clean-shaven. No exceptions. This movie should be awesome though. I was in Key West last summer and saw his house there. Amazing. I wanted to take one of the cats home!

  25. Dani says:

    @19 Ally – yes he would be perfect for the Bourne movies. LeBeouf is too much a boy for that role. And I am with all about the stache, not diggin that at all on Clive. It is a shame to cover that face in any way, shape, or form.

  26. marge says:

    so Hemingway wore North Face fleeces also?
    Didn’t know that

    Thanksfor some Clive… about the ‘stache, I’ll have to sleep on it…

  27. nooooooo... says:

    I am so torn. On the one hand, I was ecstatic when I saw the “from the desk of…” headline. But then the ‘stache! Oy. My biscuits, they are conflicted.

    @11 Racheal – last year I debated how irresponsible it would be to drive 1.5 hours with my daughter to try to catch a glimpse of Clive in Ann Arbor. I showed great restraint by not going. Glad you got a look!