It’s time for another episode in our new daily series, “The Farty Bump Watch: Gas, Food Baby or Actual Baby?” Except that we still don’t have new photos, but that’s okay because Jessica has been looking slightly pregnant for about a year now. Yesterday, we heard about In Touch Weekly’s “confirmation” that Jessica is knocked up, only it wasn’t really a confirmation, it was just some unnamed source talking about how Jessica is eating nachos dipped in chocolate, which is described as a “pregnancy craving” and NOT as “Jessica’s normal Wednesday”. In Touch also claims, in their print issue, that Jessica learned about her pregnancy because she took TEN pregnancy tests. Who wants to guess about what happened to the first nine tests? “Imma fart on this one, it’s gonna tell me if I got a gut full a’ chocolate nacho baby.” Meanwhile, Us Weekly says that Jessica’s wedding is definitely, totally postponed. Guess what happened there? “Imma fart on mah wedding dress–oooh, whoops, that wasn’t a fart. Musta been the chocolate nachos.”
No race to the altar here! Jessica Simpson’s ex-hubby Nick Lachey remarried in July, but the Fashion Star mentor is in no rush to say “I do” to fiance Eric Johnson. Although it’s been over 10 months since Johnson, 32, proposed, insiders tell the new Us Weekly — on stands Friday — that all wedding plans have been put on hold.
“Everything is up in the air,” a source tells Us. “She can’t figure out what kind of day she wants. Some days she wants a big wedding in Hawaii, then other days she wants something closer to home.”
But some of the 30-year-old singer’s friends fear the delay is due to more than just venue indecision.
“She was so gung ho about planning their wedding, and now she’s gone dark,” says a pal. “She won’t commit to a date.”
Meanwhile, her finance-é, Eric Johnson, is having second thoughts, and he’s feeling lost. An insider says: “His entire life is about the Simpsons, and he’s not sure that’s what he wants.”
Eric better figure it out soon, he’s going to be the proud father of a little chocolate nacho baby in less than seven months (by my estimates). Seriously, though, Eric knows what he wants: the golddigger’s paradise. Big boobs, a baby and a monthly direct deposit for his trouble.
Photos courtesy of Pacific Coast News and Jessica‘s Twitter.
LMFAO(“F” as in “fart”)!!! I’m laughing at my computer screen, Kaiser you are hilarious! Can’t wait for tomorrow’s episode of “Days of our Farts”!
Kaiser, you always rule, but for this you reign supreme:
“Imma fart on mah wedding dress–oooh, whoops, that wasn’t a fart. Musta been the chocolate nachos.”
LOVE it!
Chocolate nachos sound absolutely disgusting. And if that’s what she’s eating, she’s going to BLOW. UP.
Maybe Eric’s seeing what’s happening to Kris (Oaf version) and is having second thoughts?
I really, REALLY hope she’s pregnant. For 2 reasons. A) Her non pregnancy style is hit or miss-imagine her maternity style. It’s going to be HILARIOUS. B) Pregnancy Brain. I think we can all agree that, while having a huge empire worth BILLIONS, Jess isn’t the brightest crayon in the box. I want pregnancy brain quotes. It will be EPIC.
She could do so much better than this idle sponger. Anyone else notice his shirts always look in need of a good iron, and his hair looks dirty and uncombed….gross.
Samigirl – If how she usually speaks is considered “normal” (for her) you just know the pregnancy brain quotes are going to be HYSTERICAL!
It sounds like they are both having doubts. *Mornin bellaluna!*
I think I’m missing the reason that everyone hates on Jessica Simpson…. sure, she does not seem that bright and I would describe as a little “simple” but all this drunk, fat and farty stuff just seems mean spirited. I mean, after like the 10th post this month regarding her food intake and bowel movements. I usually think your funny and when the object seems to deserve it – Kim K for instance – then I get it. Maybe I missed the headline that she is shop-lifting, drug-abusing, puppy kicking, sex-tape making, b*tch. Who knows?
I just can’t with him. He’s so incredibly uninspiring, I can’t even strongly dislike him.
He looks just like pre-fame Papa Joe.
@Anodyne…we don’t hate her. In fact, I think we like the fact that she admits that she’s gassy, and not super girly and stuff like that. We are just poking fun. You won’t see one actual cruel, “I hope this b*tch dies” comment on here. It’s just for funsies. Why so serious?
@the original bellaluna-I KNOW. She cracks me up every time she gives a quote. I’m crossing my fingers. But we better not have the same due date!
I think that if SHE would stop talking about farting and not brushing her teeth, then the rest of the world would follow suit. I just don;t think it’s going to happen anytime soon.
I don’t see much hate for her, just a lot of teasing which she has admittedly earned by being the queen of TMI re: her bodily functions!
People don’t like her because:
A. She claimed to be this Christian “Virginal” girl who would not sell out her beliefs……. and after she got famous those so called “Christian” values she supposedly had went out the window.
B. The way she did Nick with the whole divorce…..
I seriously doubt these two are going to really get married.
And she’s Freakin’ Stupid if she does end up marrying Eric.
@Samigirl
Congratulations..wish u a gr8 pregnancy..
this jessica chick is such a cow..i feel we should say she is gestating..
her face does what mine does when i get chubby. so for her sake (and mine!) i hope that goes away haha
they look like BRITNEY and JASON…
He kinda looks like Spencer (of Speidi fame)
Umm, Kaiser- she looks more like that awkward 4 months-ish time where you are thick in the middle but not yet too obviously “bump-ish” to me. I remember that stage well. When I’d tell ppl, they often respond with,”Oh, I thought you were just gaining weight.” But then, I am 5’5,short-waisted, bigger boobs, so there’s that.
A bit farther along than two months, is my guess. Gigantic boobs already, poor thing.
If the wedding is off it’s because he wouldn’t accept the Simpson’s lowball offer of $500,000 to marry her. http://tinyurl.com/3hmg68v
And if she is pregnant, it’s because she accepted his counter offer to sell her some of his DNA for $500,000. I hope he negotiated a cut from any pictures the Simpsons sell of the child that may result from this transaction.
Co-sign with #1 and 2. Great line.
And who says Blind Items are never right?
I also think she’s at the 4 month stage. I could still fit into my pre-pregnancy horse show pants at almost 5 months with #1, even though my husband freaked out and told me I was going to kill or squish the baby. I didn’t, but I needed a belt for sure.
She’s going to look like the blueberry girl from Willy Wonka if she keeps eating chocolate doritos. GAwd, that is disgusting!
@Anodyne – I agree with you
She gets trashed more than the famewhore clan
This story has been out for a couple of days and no denial. Is Papa Joe just letting this story marinate or is he busy trying to sell the exclusive to People magazine.
Ahaha, I missed the whole farting thing with Jess.
Remember when she said she didn’t brush her teeth because it made them too slippery? Girl isn’t the most discrete person out there! She kind of grosses me out… but at least she’s honest?
http://tinyurl.com/275e3s5
I like her. I like that she just says whatever and doesn’t really care. We all fart and shit and we all have somewhat unstellar moments in our lives. I think that if she is admitting them to us, it makes her more likeable. She’s just a famous girl who is now a business woman. Do we need to think that she is perfect and doesn’t do any of those things. Sure not everyone talks about them but some people do. I’d love to meet her. I think she’d be a lot of fun!
Kaiser, you crack me up. Epic prose genius.
i hope she quits wearing heels if she is pregnant. She always looks so unstable and your center of gravity shifts or something…
Kaiser you are hilarious. Jess makes me mad because she’s so silly. She could have got a lot better than this dud gold digger. At least Nic n Vanessa love each other. Won’t make it to the altar. Huge PR for Jess being a single mom. Randomly picked dude who had the gravy train for a while gets a payout and has to keep quiet.
At least Jessica can pay nannies to help take care of the kid. I can just picture Jess being so wrapped up in her own little ditzy world that she would forget to feed the baby for a week or two. She seems like a nice person, but nice doesn’t always mean good mommy material!