I was going to title this story something like “Bradley Cooper: this is the sexiest man alive?” but somehow that topic is as dull as Cooper. Apart from speaking French fluently, this guy has almost no sexy qualities, but that’s kind of a given at this point. Look at him going to play tennis with his mom. I would not look twice at this guy if he wasn’t famous. It’s that bad haircut, the too-small sunglasses, the facial scrub that isn’t quite cultivated and the fact that he looks like he has no swagger. Plus the dude can’t dress. Cooper has some of the components of sexiness but they’re just not put together well.

Compare Cooper’s casual sporty style with Matthew McConaughey’s. McConaughey has a freshly shaved head (or maybe his hair is just stuffed under that hat) and he’s wearing a bright orange fleece with gray shorts and black sneakers. Somehow McConaughey looks better though. He’s geeky too in his way, we know he smells bad, and with his neck sticking out like that he looks like a turtle, but I so would. It’s probably because I know what’s underneath all those layers. Still, I want to see him bald without the cap. I googled “Matthew McConaughey Bald” and found this photo of him bald in 2002’s Reign of Fire. (Which I’ve never heard of before.) He really works that bald look and he isn’t one of those guys with a weird-shaped head who can’t pull it off. (Like Matt Damon or Tom Hardy.)

McConaughey, 42, was photographed outside the “Dakar Skin Clinic” in Beverly Hills late last week. Do you think he had a little freshening up? Will we be able to tell the next time he hits the red carpet? I’m hoping he shows up looking preternaturally young but almost untouched, like Tom Cruise as of late. That little minx.

As for Cooper, he needs to get some styling advice from his fashion idol Ryan Gosling. I get that he’s just going to play tennis, but check him out a day prior in his day casual wear. He went to lunch in Pasadena wearing those same black sweatpants with black sneakers and layered black jackets. He knows he needs to step up his game and he even admitted as much on a recent appearance on the Graham Norton Show. He said “I literally look like the neighbor who never really comes out of his house.” It doesn’t look like his fashion self awareness has been translated into any kind of effort yet.

Photo credit: Fame and Pacific Coast News