We’re just not covering too many Tom Cruise stories lately, which makes me sad, but nobody seems to give a crap about the Cruise anymore unless it’s a really insane story about how Tom ordered a former girlfriend to file down her incisors. For instance, did you know that Tom was at Comic-Con last weekend? He and Emily Blunt did a panel for their upcoming sci-fi/war flick, Edge of Tomorrow (formerly known as All You Need is Kill, a.k.a., “Tom Craps His Pants In Full Body Armor“), and nobody cared that Tom was there at all. Poor little Tom just can’t compete with the likes of Loki.

Such is life, but I have faith that Tom’s crazy (which is cyclical) will eventually return, and then I will be able to write all sorts of things about him. This story is a decent start.

As Tom is painfully aware by now, he’s been officially single for over a year since Katie Holmes divorced his controlling ass, but there might be hope on the horizon for Tom’s “pure instrument” (credit to Mimi Rogers). In late June, Page Six featured a conspicuous item that discussed a new “celebrity” member of Scientology. Her name is Jessica White, and she is a former Baptist who’s very excited by her newfound entry into the cult, which she describes as “enlightening.” Of course, Jessica is a social climber. She dated Sean Penn in 2009, and she was featured in the SI: Swimsuit issues for several years (I’m including photos of her from the 2011 SI vault). Yet she has fallen out of favor with the magazine (probably due to age — she is now 29) and has taken up the “aspiring actress” label. Hence this story from Star, which features a photo of Jessica smiling broadly outside the Scientology Centre in NYC. She has also been tweeting up a storm to try and get Tom’s attention by saying things such as “Tom Cruise is genius in Jack Reacher! Love this film.” Buckle up, lift lovers:

Gorgeous Sports Illustrated model Jessica White took a break from her busy career to make a pit stop at Scientology’s New York City outpost on June 24. And instead of being upset that photographers were snapping her every move, the 29-year-old beauty seemed thrlled to be seen at the Church’s Celebrity Centre. She was smiling for the camera and appeared to want the world to know that she was there.

Or maybe she wanted one person in particualr to know. Just the day before, Jessica instagrammed her love for Tom Cruise’s movie Eyes Wide Shut. “I don’t care what anyone says !! ‘ eyes wide shut’ shot by the Late great Genius director Stanley Kubrick, my favorite guy Tom Cruise and Nicole Kidman is an artistic masterpiece with deep layers of hidden meaning, that I want to explore more of!!!!! #inspired as an artist 2 be better. #amentogreatness.”

According to the insider, when Tom got the message, he immediately offered to be jessica’s private Scientology tutor. And whent he first met up, there were immediate fireworks.

Although Tom’s reps deny any romantic attraction, the source claims he “is pulling out all the stops to sweet Jessica off her feet. He’s pouring on the charm and offering to introduce Jessica to producers and help her get an acting career off the ground. He’s totally smitten!” The insider adds that Tom, 51, believes he may have even found a replacement for Katie Holmes. “He’s purposefully remained single for awhile because he wanted to wait for the perfect girl,” the insider says. “And he believes Jessica could be that woman.”

[From Star, print edition, August 5, 2013]

This. Is. Hilarious. Isn’t it? I bet Tom’s enjoying Jessica’s little display of overzealous enthusiasm, and one has to wonder whether the CO$ powers that be are in on her game or whether she’s making this huge play for him on her own. Because it really looks like Jessica is pursuing Tom like mad and in a very shameless manner. He probably likes that it looks that way for a change … like maybe he’s finally not the craziest one in the room. After all we know about Tom’s bride-seeking ways, a girl would really have to be crazy to want to be with him.

Photos courtesy of Sports Illustrated and WENN