Tom Cruise attempts to maintain Stepford grip on wrigglin’ Katie

Baby madness nearly a year behind her, Katie Holmes is making the brave move to try and kickstart her career. She’s had lots of publicity … has more name recognition than ever, but not much recent work … unless towering over her leathery chimp sidekick Posh Beckham counts as work, or scribbling escape plans on bits of paper in her corner of Fortress Cruise. That last bit is of course just a rumor … most scientists believe she is well enmeshed in Celebrity Stockholm Syndrome and has long since begun identifying with her captors: and that’s a long list of captors – ol’ TC hisself, the press, la paparazzi, Scientologists, guarunteed A- list fame, a (just under) ten years marriage contract, high-end rhinoplasty, The Beckhams, the tabloids, nightmares of Dawson Creek Reunions, etc etc … I mean if the world is your captor — aren’t you essentially free in a globe sized prison?

Katie has some more specific ideas … she wants to get her kit off in a new flick … and jump start the career with a nice bit of the never-fails nudie show. Mr. Tom he ain’t so happy.-
Rumorficial reports

Katie is going to Shreveport , La with her 10-month-old daughter to film her next movie, Mad Money. Sources say that she planned this to “break free from her controlling husband Tom Cruise.” In order to control his wife he is planning to go with her to Shreveport and will be on the set every day.

The reason why Tom wants to attend the set is to interfere with the nude scene that Katie has with a young co-star Adam Rothenberg in her new move. He already talked with producers of the movie and told them why the movie would be better without the nude scene. However, industry sources say that the nude scene could really boost Katie’s career as an actor. Although, due to the low budget of the move Tom will have the last word since he has a lot of money and connections.

Such unfortunate decision on his part could jeopardize their relationship, because Katie is trying to continue her slowed down acting carrier and she is very persistent about it, sources say.

Of course it’s the ultimate sign of how deeply ingrained Cruise backlash has become that everyone now roots for Katie Holmes to make a break for the hills. That’s a movie we’d all like to see:

The Scene: An abandoned California landscape just outside the L. Ron Hubbard Center for Theta Beta BooYakka Studies

Over the edge of a hill we see a beautiful young mother, scrambling desperately, adorable baby clasped to her heaving bosom. The baby is oddly calm, with a Japanese toupee perched oddly, yet attractively, on its little head.
[We hear the growing thwock thwock thwock of what is perhaps helicopters just off screen]

Suddenly in the foreground the Battlefield Earth Ships rocket into sight. Our heroine reels backwards.

Cut to inside the spaceships: Two evil Psychlo Warlords in full Battlefield Earth, nail fungus Rasta gear. They cackle Scientologically as they steer the ship

Travolta : Don’t Worry Tom … Kelly tried to escape in the early days — but as all can see — her career and spirit have been crushed under my constant supervision …

Cruise: (under his breath) …and under your fatty pork cracklings chin

Fade to Black …

Coming to Theaters Summer 2007

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18 Responses to “Tom Cruise attempts to maintain Stepford grip on wrigglin’ Katie”

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  1. Fabiola Thing says:

    Funny, but I must point out that Kelly Preston was already a “church” member (and pregnant) when she and Travolta married. The marriage came after a male porn star (Paul Barresi) had given graphic details of an alleged two-year gay affair with Travolta.

  2. vdantev says:





    By A

    White Couple


  3. Alex says:

    Awesome – Theta Beta BooYakka Studies!

  4. Melly says:

    what’s the deal with suri’s right leg?

  5. Bex says:

    Hehe.. nail fungus Rasta gear..

  6. Kiwi says:

    Cackling Scientologically…lol

    Hey, do you think Katie will start botoxing a la Kidman in order to prevent her rebellious emotions from being revealed on her face? I can see it now – the evil scientologists watching her with secret cameras, searching for an eye twitch indicating the need for another round of independence-crushing saunas; and all the while her frozen mug never gives away the plans for the tunnel she’s digging leading to the Beckham’s place.

  7. Pecarrie says:

    Leathery Chimp!! HA HA HA HA HA OMG I love mean jokes… !!

  8. ello ello ello says:

    kelly preston was completely into scientology before she met john travolta….she was kind of a hooker with a cause, trying to get any man she got her paws on to join the cult.
    also, tom was sucked into scientology by his first wife..who was older than him. tom never graduated high school.

    tom might be apprehensive about the nude scene because imo, filming that film by the clockwork orange director included a lot of fairly graphic sex between tom and nicole. i think it was too much exposure for a married couple…it was almost like soft porn.
    but still, tom has had his share of love scenes on film. some of the more recent ones were with cameron diaz in a film a few years back.

  9. dinky says:

    oh…there are unresolved questions about how katie and tom met and the truth about the baby.
    apparently tom and his way close friend, miscavage (which sounds like miscarriage to me. lol) were holding “interviews” for another whatever the hell is action part 5.
    anyhow, the two guys used that to basically hunt for a new wife for tom.
    another site had an interesting time line about katie and chris klein 9who was a jerk to her) another actor who looks like a tall skinny tom cruise…
    anyhow, basically she was pregnant when she met cruise and the baby is in fact a few months older than they say…thats why she had those retarded baby bumps that changed sizes all the time. she was born in early january.

  10. dinky says:

    also, tom moved his mother, his cousin and his sisters and children into the beverly hills home he rents. that on top of all the other bullchit is enough to drive katie crazy. she cut off all her old friends and hangs out with some minder who comes from a family in northern california who is as sketchy and wrong as the mob. this is all a sandcastle built on lies lies lies and more lies.

  11. nicole says:

    i think suri is adorable. and why the hell would some people stoop so low as to make fun of a baby? that’s just wrong.

    are her parents retards? yes. will she grow up and be completely fucked? most likely. but people should not make fun of her just yet- it’s not her fault that she was dealt a shitty hand at conception. it’s a shame that rarely are people given a chance before they are dumped upon.

  12. Randi says:

    Leathery Chimp!! HA HA HA HA HA OMG I love mean jokes… !!
    Pecarrie | Homepage | 03.29.07 – 5:23 pm | #

    Yes, I agree. Except I’d say the leathery chimp is Tom, not Posh. Posh is a stick bug.

  13. Elle says:

    That is a lovely picture of Kate.

  14. anon says:

    katie needs to leave and hook up with eddie vedder from pearl jam, the sexiest, kindest man on the planet!

  15. Busy body says:

    Katie is a big gal so she will take care of herself. I thought before the tabloids said this movie is a female cast only movie and that is why Tom chose it for her. Now ther is a ver sexed up scene. I wonder. Kelly Preston is pretty but John Travolta is fug, whats up with the wig on his head?

    Tom may be controlling but if he was forcing her to do drugs, that would be different. Howard Stern controlled ANS and pimped her to rich peeps for money yet none of you complained.

    I think Katie will be fine. Home gal could have done worse. Hooking up with the biggest star in hollywood is no joke. I didn’t know her before this!

  16. xiaoecho says:

    Same thing happened with Nicole. After Cruise dumped her, her career took off

  17. Anonymous says:

    each and everyone of you is a jealous loser .. tom cruise is the BIGGEST movie star OF ALL TIME with a range that goes from Born on the 4th of July to MI3! Katie Holmes was a D actress until she met him and he is a solid gentleman who does not cheat on her and has class and principles. Do I endorse Scientology .. hell no but a lot of people can make fun of Christianity as well and so making fun of a person’s religion is always out of line. Cruise has more fame and money than all of you combined multiplied by 100000 and so you all are hating! Losers! And the Beckhams have more money than all of you as well but les than Cruise. So you guys feel good jerking off sour grape comments on blogs like these while the Becks and the Cruises go on living the dream of ultimate success.

  18. Sarah says:

    UrbanDK, you just cracked me with that movie preview of yours! F*cking brillant!! Thanx for that. :o)