This is the continuing tale of how Ray Rice was suspended indefinitely by the Baltimore Ravens after “new” video footage surfaced. The footage showed Ray hitting his future wife, Janay, until she knocked her head on a rail. After she was unconscious, Ray continued to kick Janay’s body. The video was extremely difficult to watch. NFL commissioner Roger Goodell claimed that he did not see the video prior to its release to the public, but questions remain. I’m curious to see if female fans will continue to support the NFL. Ray Rice is a high-profile example of how domestic violence is treated in the NFL. There’s a whole slew of other recent cases involving NFL players. The association drew up a new DV policy, but will it help?
Ray Rice should be toast as far as the NFL is concerned. Late yesterday afternoon, commissioner Goodell admitted that he hasn’t ruled out a return for Rice. The good news? Rice’s sponsors are falling by the wayside. Nike announced yesterday that they cancelled Rice’s contract in light of the new footage. The sponsorship should have been dropped months ago, but it’s hard to blame Nike when the Ravens dragged their feet until damning footage went public. Rice broke his silence yesterday to say, “I have to be strong for my wife.” Uh-huh.
The victim in this situation, Janay, has posted the following message to Instagram. She blames the media:
“I woke up this morning feeling like I had a horrible nightmare, feeling like I’m mourning the death of my closest friend. But to have to accept the fact that it’s reality is a nightmare in itself. No one knows the pain that the media & unwanted options from the public has caused my family. To make us relive a moment in our lives that we regret every day is a horrible thing. To take something away from the man I love that he has worked his ass of for all his life just to gain ratings is horrific.
“THIS IS OUR LIFE! What don’t you all get. If your intentions were to hurt us, embarrass us, make us feel alone, take all happiness away, you’ve succeeded on so many levels. Just know we will continue to grow & show the world what real love is! Ravensnation we love you!”
[From Janay Rice on Instagram]
A lot of people can’t understand why Janay would defend her abusive husband in such a way. No judgment. Janay is in the midst of a dangerous situation. We already saw what Ray did to her under “favorable” conditions in an elevator. He spit on her and knocked her unconscious. Now he’s lost several millions of dollars. He’s probably resentful as hell and livid. Every DV situation is different, but I suspect Janay is (consciously or not) doing what she can to survive. Remember, the Baltimore Ravens already pressured Janay into apologizing for the “role that she played” in being beaten by Ray Rice. Janay has been conditioned to think her husband’s violent actions are her fault. I hope she can extricate herself from the situation before it’s too late.
The Rice situation spawned a heartbreaking discussion on social media. On Twitter, author Beverly Gooden started the #WhyIstayed & #WhyIleft tags. Here are many examples from the thread. I got carried away with the volume of this discussion, but it’s worth it. Mia Farrow (yes) chimes in too:
* Beverly Gooden: I tried to leave the house once after an abusive episode, and he blocked me. He slept in front of the door that entire night. #WhyIStayed
* Mia Farrow: #whyistayed -love/emotional dependence /diminished self respect/ denial #whyileft – denial crashed: enter clarity, strength, courage
* Doree Anne: “My girls needed a father, #whyistayed. My girls needed a mother, #whyileft.”
* Asha Bandale: I felt shame being a single mother. #whyistayed I felt worse knowing my daughter saw him hit me #whyileft
* JarraLynne: #WhyIStayed My college dean told me I would ruin his future if I spoke up. #whyileft I pledged Delta and got the hell on
* Cruikshank: “#whyistayed She convinced me that I would be alone if I didn’t stay. I even stayed after she put me in the hospital. Men get abused too.”
* WalkTheRope: He fed me his warped version of reality so often that I doubted my own thoughts & feelings #WhyIStayed. I learned to trust myself #WhyILeft.
* Caitlin Constan: #WhyIStayed Because I was so ashamed. I’m still kind of ashamed to be posting this online. Imagine how I felt when it was happening.
* SassyLibrarian1: “You can mute me. You can mock me. But I’m done being silent. #WhyILeft”
[From #WhyIstayed & #WhyIleft on Twitter]
That last example is poignant. Lots of tweeters asked why it was even necessary for these hashtags to exist. Like … why didn’t these women “just leave“? And you know … stop cluttering the Twitter stream up with uncheery things too. Sigh. Unless you’ve experienced DV firsthand, you have no idea what it feels like. No judgment. Let these women speak.
Meanwhile, DiGiorno used the #WhyIStayed tag as an advertisement. Gross.
Photos courtesy of Getty & WENN
I live close enough to the Ravens stadium that we can see the blimp from our house.
People are falling over themselves to give away their Ray Rice jerseys and autographs.
This poor woman is in such need of help.
And she is probably more afraid now than ever.
She is blasting the media to try to save her own skin. Self-preservation. Cause I am sure he is telling her this is all her fault…
They both need help. It is possible for an abuser to get help and change his behavior,but Ray Rice doesn’t seem like he’s there yet.
When I first saw the video two things happened to me, I got goosebumps and every cell in my body was vibrating because I was so enraged and I immediately thought of her wellbeing. I am so afraid that she is getting the brunt of the fall out. Then she sat at the press conference with her abuser as if she was responsible and that she had a share in the blame, which is shaming her again. The brutality he’d shown was chilling. The way he discarded her after he assault her, like she was trash. It was THE most disturbing thing I had ever seen, I was so enraged I couldn’t watch the whole thing. There is no communication problem here or relationship up and downs, this was assault. He could have killed her and he needs to be in jail.
I’m sorry it’s long. But never in my life has a situation bothered me so deeply. He’s not even a bully, He’s sadistic.
@FingerBinger
No, it is not. It is estimated that only a very small percentage of abusers ‘redeem’ in the end. A lot of people think abuse is a consequence of something bad that happened in the past, very often it is not like that, it is a choice. And if you choose to be that way… How hard is to make you understand you’re wrong? Abusers actually think the rest of the world is wrong about that reasoning, not them.
@ Lady MacBeth : I believe abusers choose to be that way. They “vent” their anger at targets that will not fight back, targets they (the abuser) has control over for financial or emotional reasons. If an abuser had no control over their anger, then they would beat their bosses or a stranger on the street or an armed police officer. But they don’t attack these people because these people can strike back.
What we saw in the elevator video is the REAL Ray Rice. Janay Rice has seen this version many times and she is truly afraid. I hope she gets out.
A commenter on here one time recommended a book called – Why does he do that – Lundy Bancroft – it is excellent read and shows it comes from how the person genuinely Thinks. It is about how the abuser thinks. How they think is the target deserves the abuse. The target believes they DESERVE the abuse. Likely, in the past, he has corrected her behaviour, where she has gone ‘wrong’ and when this is done enough it makes one feel like everything they do is a ‘mistake’ and then the target really genuinely feels they deserve this treatment. Alcoholics often behave like this – it is easy because they can abuse then ‘forget’ then the target thinks they are crazy becasue the abusive incident is ‘denied’ and ‘forgotten’ by the abuser – abnormal user.
I read a great article on dv. While I wasn’t in a physically abusive relationship, I know eventually it would have gone that way. He was emotionally and verbally abusive. It was horrible. Anyways.
The article said something that just rocked me.
“Abusers pick partners who are already feeling powerless in another area of their life”
I read that and everything just… Clicked.
This poor woman is in survival mode. Hell, an abuser will abuse you and then make you feel sorry for putting him in the position of having to abuse you. She is in hell right now.
http://www.abigails.org/treatment%20success.htm
Information from Dr. Jeffrey Edleson, University of Minnesota, from a summary by Jessica Amo for the newsletter Break Through.
Batterer intervention programs have been extensively evaluated. Results of these evaluations show that only one of five (20%) make it all the way through the program and are reported not violent during follow-up periods. On the other hand, of those men who complete batterer intervention, about 53% to 83% are reported not violent at follow-up. Another evaluation found that emotional abuse continued post-treatment despite the absence of physical abuse. This has led some programs to include more emphasis on stopping emotionally abusive behavior in addition to physical battering.
@Kiddo,
Thanks for the information above. I truly wish there was a magic formula to help these people. Yes, these abusers. Only they can put a stop to this. It’s difficult to imagine what goes on in their minds/hearts. I mean I have to believe they are just mentally sick as hell while either not realizing and/or particularly caring if they do. See, that’s where the disconnect comes in for me. You can hopefully help people that want to change but so many of these abusers just simply don’t want to “take the medicine” because then it is their problem to fix. No one else to blame.
Aside from the battering/control/abuse issues, I wonder how many suffer from comorbidities? If there are are personality disorders or misc other mental health DXs, you probably can’t simply stop behavior without addressing and treating those things as well.
@Kiddo,
I suspect that many suffer from comorbidities. I know these issues would have to be diagnosed and treated. I don’t know. Maybe, there should be some sort of diagnostic requirements, outside of “anger management”, required when a person is convicted for this kind of behavior. As furious as I am over their behavior, I cannot help but think that they are living an inferior, joyless life. Unfortunately, I cannot pity them regardless of what issue/issues drives them because the pain the inflict on others is simply monstrous, intolerable, and so very insidious.
@ Sarah, that excellent article that was posted in a previous thread on this incident had one quote that really stuck in my mind. It said that an abuser lashing out violently isn’t them losing control, it’s them regaining and maintaining control. I can’t believe I never saw it like that but that’s exactly what it is.
@Tulip and Kiddo: the one thing that abusersbhave in common is that that all believe that they deserve to have power and control over another human being. And in many ways I actually think that you’re treading down a dangerous path, because by trying to pinpoint what is essentially a crime of entitlement onto some sort of other diagnosis, it allows the abuser to once again avoid their own primary responsibility. Abusers can be mentally ill themselves, can have addictions, come from every single socio economic, religious, or geographic background, and the one thing that they have in common is that they want to have power and control over their romantic partner, and they’ll get that power by physically abusing them or simply destroying them mentally.
And re: anger management. Its crap for abusers. Domestic violence isn’t actually characterized by the violence itself, it’s actually about the cycle of power and control that the abuser exerts over his victim. It’s calculated, and anger actually plays very little part in abuse. Rather, a true batterer’s intervention program is preferable, as it is intended to get to the root cause of domestically violent behavior, including controlling, emotionally abusive behavior. It may seem like just semantics, but it’s far, far, far preferable to an anger management program.
@bridget
I agree completely with your post. Thanks for taking the time to formulate the very thoughts that I didn’t pinpoint in my own post. I did and do feel that, ultimately, abusers are completely culpable for their behavior regardless of anything else. Truly sorry if by going off on the above-mentioned tangent that I wasn’t absolutely clear about that.
My abuser, my father, grew up in France during World War II and had bombs dropped on him when we was growing up. He was separated from his family, his father died and they literally had to flee from Nazis coming to kill them in the middle of the night. Today we have a better understanding of PTSD and the toll and consequences trauma can have. If my father had had a normal childhood, he might not have had the emotional problems that left him feeling out of control and abusive. These things never happen in a vacuum, there are always causes and triggers.
@Bob Loblaw:
My dad was emotionally/verbally and borderline physically abusive. He had the opposite upbringing as your father. He had polio as a child and was close to death, so he was ridiculously spoiled by his family. His parents and grandparents worshiped the ground he walked on. When he was cleared with negligible health defects, they continued in that pattern.
When he began having adult relationships, he just couldn’t understand why the world didn’t revolve around him. Why didn’t everything happen perfectly and instantaneously like they did in his nearly idyllic childhood? He never learned to cope with the slightest disappointment and in turn, lashed out at his wives, daughters, co-workers, etc.
He has mellowed out a lot in his older age. He sought counselling, at first from clergy, who just insisted that he pray harder. Thankfully, he started going to a church that had actual trained therapists who used cognitive therapy and problem solving techniques and were like, oh, yeah…do some praying too, I guess. His extreme temper and verbal abuses still come up during times of heavy stress, but they are milder. The last time he had an episode around me, towards my step mother, at first I began shaking and wanted to hide like I did as a kid, but then the demon woman in me rose up and I stepped between them and unleashed the 30 year meltdown of ultimate fury at him. I literally lost my voice for several days. He hasn’t done it in front of me since.
@Mitch Buchanan
I read that book and it is really a good read, totally advised only if you are thinking of being abused (even only emotionally). It offers an outlook on abusers and their different ways of acting and behaving. That book became my Bible for six months, I was sometimes genuinely surprised why I hadn’t seen all those red flags in my ex and my father.
@MoxyLady007
Totally agree with that sentence!!
@Kiddo
Did you hear that Pistorius has been cleared of premeditated murder charges? Talking about how to ignore DV issues…
Maybe she hasn’t seen the video.
This sounds like a joke but I am deadly serious. Maybe she felt the strike she received at the hands of the “love of her life” was nothing new, happens all the time – upsetting as that is to the rest of us.
But did she see the video and the wanton callousness and lack of respect and concern he showed toward her limp, unresponsive body? Is this a man who got in a heated argument, reacted poorly and responded with shock and remorse as events unfolded? NO. He reacted as usual then treated her like roadkill. She needs to see this. She is a poster-child for a woman so wrapped up in the violence that she can’t see the light. I hope she listens to the drumbeat of outrage from all corners and somehow we get through and let her know, this is not the way it’s supposed to be. It’s amazing that having a daughter wouldn’t shake her into seeing how bad her situation is and potentially worse it will become.
Janay – think ahead and imagine a man beating down on your grown daughter. She gets up, gets stitches and says, “I love him, this is our life.” SHE’S SAYING THAT BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT MOMMY ALWAYS SAID.
PLEASE climb out of the rabbit hole, pack up you and your daughter’s lives, exit that house, call a lawyer, get help. The world is on your side.
Sadly the fact that she married him not long after this means that he will probably have to do her even worse harm before she wakes up, and even that is a big if. I totally agree that the menace and disregard he showed her lifeless body was for me even worse than the actual punch. If someone did that to me, and there was video evidence, I do not know how I could look myself in the mirror and say it was my fault too. She still says “We regret”, which makes me heartsick. But it’s her life, if it makes her feel better to lash out at strangers than the man she thinks loves her there’s nothing we can do. The fact that she only sees the negative side, and does not mention the positivity of so many women speaking out about their own abuse, is telling. She’s still pretending it never happened.
She probably has, but is in denial about how serious his actions were.
Battered woman syndrome is serious and hard to break from. Almost like Stockholm syndrome. Sad.
I watched that video and felt sick to my stomach the rest of the day. I was in an abusive relationship when I was young and the first thing I thought when he dragged her body out and stood over her for a milla-second was, he wanted to hurt her more, but couldn’t because people were around. The man who abused me when I was in was in my 20’s choked me. I didn’t pass out – I had a seizure. I was aware of everything but couldn’t stop my body from convulsing. He stood over me and watched me. When I stop seizing, he kicked me in my stomach and spit on me. He stepped over me and went to another part of the house. That was the day I left and never went back – not even for my clothes and things. If I would have stayed, there is no doubt in my mind, he would have killed me – maybe not that day, but eventually. When a man goes into a rage like that, it doesn’t stop when they hit you. In fact, I beleive it angered him even more…you know, because “I made him do that.” They can’t turn it off – the blood is still boiling and they are so enraged they have no self-control. For a year with that man, I felt so horrible about myself. I remember watching “normal” couples and I felt so “abnormal”. Normalcy seemed out of my reach. Like I was a different kind of person who wasn’t like the rest. There are no words for the shame I felt. The creepiest thing was that after I left, how many of his family and friends sought me out to try to get me to go back to him. They felt sorry for him. He was beside himself and how could I not forgive him? They told me he loved me like he’d never loved anyone before and they couldn’t stand to see him in the shape he was in. They guilted me for leaving! I have never spoke to any of them since then. I still don’t understand what any of them were thinking and yes, they knew what he had done and many things before that.
I beleive Janay has taken far worse beatings from Rice than what we were privy to. She is ashamed and protecting her abuser because she thinks she can’t do any better than him. People are telling her to forgive him. People are guilting her for his dirty secret getting out. She thinks she should stay for their kids’ sake, so they have a father. She is alone and it doesn’t matter how many girlfriends or sisters she’s has on her side – you feel alone when this is happening because it’s so abnormal/unnatural, you can’t even relate to people with regular lives.
I admit, I’m impatient with Janay. I want her to leave now. But I do get it. She’s not ready yet. She doesn’t think she has the strength to make it on her own with kids. She doesn’t know who she is aside from Ray Rice’s girlfriend/wife. We have to be patient with her and hope she eventually comes around and finds strength she didn’t know she had.
JenniferJustice
I’m so sorry you had to go through that. You’re a brave, strong , smart woman to get yourself out of there, and I am so happy that you did. I know what you mean about Janay. I want to shake her and somehow show her the future, but you’re right. It has to come from her. I didn’t suffer nearly the physical abuse that you did, but I remember the exact moment the light dawned for me and I knew it would never, ever, ever stop, no matter what I did. I wasn’t the one controlling it, and the only thing I could do to stop it was to leave. It was getting, and would continue to get worse and worse. I hope she makes it out in time.
JenniferJustice I, too am so sorry for what you went through, but so grateful for your strength to share your wisdom with us.
When I was 18-20 I was in an unhealthy relationship that was not physically abusive but, I now realize, was emotionally. When I finally ended things, he began stalking me. Waiting for me to leave for work in the morning, showing up at my work, leaving flowers etc on my windshield wherever I was parked so that I’d know he knew where I was, calling me at all hours. I went to the police, but they did nothing. His behaviour was–apparently–non threatening, so I couldn’t even get a restraining order. I felt scared and utterly helpless. As a last resort I went to speak to his mother, hoping that if I explained what he was doing, not only might she be able to stop the stalking, but she could get him whatever mental help he obviously needed. You know what she said to me? “He’s realized that you’re the one he wants to spend his life with, and soon enough you’ll realize it too.” She knew what he was doing AND SHE CONDONED IT! Her words will stay with me forever because that was the scariest conversation of my life.
Thank you both for the kind words. If there was anything I could say to someone in a DV situation, it would be that when I talk about that part of my life, it seems very much like I’m taling about a completely different person. It was short-lived with only the last year of that relationship becoming so physically violent, but it was intense. As soon as I hooked up with someone nurturing, encouraging, and who was happy for me as I grew into myself and new-found confidence, I blossomed. I can’t even imagine putting up with what I put up with with that guy. I want to call myself at that point in time “that girl” and speak in the third person because it doesn’t even feel like that was me. If she got away and focused on herself and kids, in just a few years, she wouldn’t even know who that previous version of herself was. And I swear the moment you get away and gain some objectivity you see the guy for what he really is and know almost instantly it was all some warped dependence and self-loathing. It certainly isn’t/wasn’t love!
In the first picture she seems lobotomised. Poor woman.
You know, when I looked at this picture ( still cannot bring myself to watch vid), I couldn’t help but think her expression was dread and resignation at what is to come from him behind closed doors. She looks so weary, so broken.
To me she looks resigned to whatever is going to happen. Like she’s at the doctor’s office waiting for them to get on with a moderately unpleasant procedure.
🙁
Baltimorean here. Some of the reactions in this town make me want to vomit. SMH doesn’t even cover it.
AMEN. I can’t even get on Facebook today without reading about how “the media” is ruining poor Ray Rice’s life and how “the media” is ruining the Rice’s marriage. Um. Yikes. The fact that Janay blames the media is sad beyond words. The fact that people are jumping to call this a “private matter” (a beating in a public elevator? how is that private?) is repugnant to me to my very core. I need to GTFO of here for a few days!
it just gets worse by the minute
http://mediamatters.org/video/2014/09/10/hannity-guestray-rice-is-the-bigger-victim-of-d/200724
I don’t think it helps that her family (her Dad in particular) have all come out in support of HIM. His family has also been on record that they don’t like her and never have. Add to the fact that they’ve been together since they were 16, and clearly she’s never known what a healthy relationship looks like and has ZERO family support from anywhere.
That’s terrible! Sounds like she had a snowball’s chance in hell. I know what she’s going through, and I pray she finds someone who will love and support her, and somehow finds courage through all of this.
This is heartbreaking – she clearly thinks that abusive behaviour is Love. If you grow up with this abuse is Family-ar. It is what seems normal, also why it is so tragic for her daughter. I wonder if Jannay is the eldest daugher in her family as well. Abusive dads like to go after the eldest ones so they can have a ‘mate’ because of having such a lousy personality that they can’t keep a wife.
I suspect she was either abused by a parent/parents or her mother was domestically abused in front of her. The fact that her father wants her marriage to work and he is supportive of Ray tells me his priorities are money, prestige, fame, and security – not his daughter. I hate him more than Ray Rice.
That’s how I feel too JenniferJustice. A father’s job is to protect his daughter, and Janay’s father failed her. Its a bigger insult that her father, her own father, has (undoubtedly) seen that tape of him kicking his daughter like she is a sack of shit and showing no human regard for her and yet still supports him! That is what makes me angrier than the video. It goes against the grain of being a parent. Her father is everything a father should *not* be. What sort of father (or mother, has her mother been heard from?) could see someone treating his own flesh and blood, his little girl like that? Most fathers would hunt him down and beat him til he is on life support or kill him (not saying this is good, just that that would be a parent’s response), not support him! Unfortunately with a ‘father’ like him, she had no chance from the start. She has been conditioned to believe that men have the right to do that and as a woman she needs to behave and know her place. Its just so wrong and so sad and frustrating. The defending of the bashing is to my mind, one of if not the greatest betrayal from a parent a child could experience.
This is exactly, EXACTLY, how Nicole Brown Simpson’s family was. They loved that she was married to a rich, famous footballer and they had the cachet by association. When she told them about the abuse and showed them the evidence, they discouraged her from leaving.
Janay Rice needs a whole new life. Unfortunately she needs to discard her family as well as her husband and I understand why it must seem too hard.
I don’t agree that the media is at fault. The NFL is at fault. They knew this video existed and if all of the footage had come out months ago when this assault happened, TMZ wouldn’t have had anything to release. The NFL should have acted earlier and their failure to do so is the story, IMHO, not her decision to stay with her husband.
I do agree with her, however, that she is being victimized all over again by the release of this video. This was surely one of the worst nights of her life and to have it released on video like this for the world to see has to be painful.
What a mess. I wish her all the best.
Good post. The NFL is 9.5 billion dollars of dis-gus-ting, and I say that as a football fan. No mo money from me!
I do feel horrible for her and the release of the video must be awful for her. But no, for once this is really not the media’s fault at all. How about blaming the man who punched her? Or yes, the NFL. I STILL cannot believe that they thought they could sweep it under the rug or assume that the video would not become public. As if! They should’ve been proactive but noooo. Now the poor woman is suffering even more.
I’m not surprised by her statement at all, even if it turns my stomach. She is, after all, still with the guy. What else is she supposed to say?
I do have special hate for Ray Rice though. What an utter waste of space.
RAY RICE is at fault. Seriously, the NFL has effed up big time and I am definitely no longer a fan, no argument there, but at the end of the day he’s the one who assaulted his then-fiancée.
I feel bad for Janay because it really must suck having all of this dredged up and dragged out into the light but at the same time I also just wish she would find the strength to leave his a*s. No amount of money / privacy in the world will help her if he one day beats her to death.
+1
+2.
The #WhyIstayed tweets gave me chills and made me tear up a little.
@Bedhead-Thanks for saying specifically “No judgement.”
The only reason people should be discussing Janay’s reaction is in terms of enlightening others about the cycle of abuse. She is not at fault here and let’s remember that.
I agree. The NFL handled this VERY poorly, but ultimately Ray Rice is the one who committed this terrible crime.
And I too feel bad for her having to relive all this and have it so public, and people who can’t understand the psychological damage are going to attack her even more for her comments.
Those tweets are incredibly affecting. I hope people in abusive situations find some inspiration and strength in the #whyIleft ones.
You said it, sister!
Janay has all of my sympathy. I don’t care what she said/did or if she is a gold digger (accusation I’ve seen hurled round the net) or if she spit on him (saw this one too). When are people going to understand when they start making excuses for inexcusable behavior, the winning argument begins and ends with, “Yeah, but I don’t care….” I actually got into an argument with someone about this yesterday and you know what every time the “reasoning” of “But you don’t know what really happened…”, “She took the punch for the money, her decision”, and all the other BS that was spouted before my opponent finally got it and said, “So you don’t care….”. Damn right, I DON”T CARE about excuses!
It literally infuriates me to have people defend Rice. You know, that poor defenseless millionaire making POS that finds it necessary to knock out a woman!
AARRRGGGHHHH!!!!!
This is how I feel Tulip. So so sick of the people twisting themselves into pretzels to make excuses for the POS and blame the victim. Sick of the unending choruses of ‘golddigger’ and the ones who pretend to be in her corner then add that she’s stupid for staying. Saddened and angry at the women who still posit that she hit him first and you shouldn’t hit someone and not expect to get hit back.
I seriously hesitated before coming on this thread because I feel like one more person defending or making excuses for this dirt bag will make my head explode.
I’m not a praying person but I pray that Janay finds the strength within herself to get out before worse can happen. Especially for the sake of their daughter.
I hesitated before commenting too. I get so upset that I have difficulty in articulating my feelings thus the person that I was arguing with yesterday kept hearing me say, “Yeah, maybe, but I DON’T CARE!”. It came to me when commenting that, essentially, that is what the human population’s response should be to this kind of abuse. Excuses? Don’t want to hear ’em. Reasons? No such thing. Other side to the story? Became moot point the second he hit her.
What do people not understand that the term domestic abuse is actually a fancy word for our society to use when someone that is supposed to love you perpetrates a crime, a physical crime, against you? Shouldn’t that enrage us or do we just wait to draw the line at criminal behavior when someone accidentally in a rage or purposefully kills another before we stop adjusting our thinking because two people are in a relationship together? If it’s a crime against a stranger then, to me, it is damn sure a crime against a supposed love one. I guess though that as a society some still think that it’s “their business” and he’s just “needs help” until she is dead. At that point, I guess everyone will agree that he’s a monster. The only vindication that some will offer Janay, and those like her, is through her death. Because then we can’t argue if she deserved it or provoked it, right?
I’ll stop my rant. Hope it makes sense.
Also, I am a praying person. Janay, though I don’t know her, will be in my prayers.
I don’t care if she “started the fight” and/or “threw the first punch” and/or “hit him really hard.” Even if she did all of those things, it is clear in that video that his response of a brutal beat down that left her unconscious and dragging her out of the elevator while still unconscious was a significantly disproportionate and wholly unacceptable response.
Her marrying him, her defending him, her forgiving him and her deflecting by blaming the media does not mean his behavior was in any way acceptable, that he should not face consequences, or that the media or society has no place to report or comment on his actions, how the NFL/Ravens handled the situation. This isn’t just a private family matter as she is trying to claim. He is a public figure, how the NFL and the Ravens handled the situation impacts society, perceptions of the seriousness of domestic violence as well as how rich, entitled celebrities/athletes/public figures think they are allowed to treat others. For whatever reasons she chose to stay or she may eventually choose to leave, she does not have the right to blame the media as if her husband’s actions were blown out of proportion so that someone else can use her words as an excuse to justify the abuse someone else
I feel awful that the video of her being assaulted was made public. That must be so hard for her.
But I’m glad that it’s resulted in backlash and harsher punishment. And it answered anyone saying he was defending himself (wtf?)
I hope it gives her a reality check and her family urges her to get help and leave
I hope Ray Rice gets help too. He doesn’t need to be abusive, he can get help so he can be in a healthy relationship.
I know it must be so shameful for Janay knowing the whole world knows what she puts up with, but part of the reason victims of DV stay with their abuser is because they are ashamed and they don’t want anybody to know what goes on behind their closed doors. Perhaps, Ray’s dirty secret being outed to the public and the world knowing will help Janay leave. There is no longer a secret to protect. It’s out there now. I just hope she knows it’s not her dirty secret. This is Ray’s dirty secret. She didn’t do this. It’s who he is. I don’t beleive in rehab for physical abusers. Some people are sadistic and have no control. The man is in his what 30s? I don’t see him changing. It may not happen as often in the future, but it will still happen. In fact, I worry that bottling it up will only make his eruptions intensity when he does lose control. I wish there was a way to communicate to Janay that we don’t think bad of her. This isn’t her fault.
The NFL didn’t hit or make Ray Rice hit Janay. Ray Rice did. Janay has all my sympathy, and she can say whatever she wants because she is hurting. She has a very hard decision to make, as she obviously really loves the guy or is so frightened of the guy that she married him after this. I hope she makes the right decision for her and her family.
The NFL acted dumb. Whether they saw the video or not, what did they think happen? Still in the scheme of things since this happened Rice has not made a dime from the Ravens or played a game in the NFL. They may have been slow to the party but now people want to punish them after they have corrected their mistake. Even if it was for PR purposes does it matter that much in the long term. The NFL is essentially a PR organization of NFL teams that promote and sell professional football. Which they failed at with this fiasco.
The only good thing that came out of this whole thing is that more people are discussing domestic violence. Women’s rights groups are saying this is the largest public discussion they have ever seen. I guess when you see it in video, and just what it looks like it changes people’s opinion a bit on how devastating it really is. Maybe when Janay is a bit more removed from this and happy she will see that her awful situation may have changed and helped others.
I’m not trying to be provocative, but I’m not feeling the release of what happened in the objective format of footage is victimizing her. It must be horrific and painful to deal with the fall out. But this is the truth of what happened. No lies, no manipulation, no emotional fog, no forgetting, no unconsciousness . I think that this exposes the situation for exactly what it is in the clearest terms. I think eventually it will save her and her daughter. And I pray others in similar circumstances.
The most powerful #whyistayed/#whyileft Tweet that i read was: “#whyistayed I was afraid he would kill me if i left. #whyileft I realised he would kill me even if i stayed.” (paraphrasing, can’t find the real tweet)
I hope Janay realises this too.
So sad, and — often — so true. I wish Janay the best, and hope she can get her and her daughter to safety very soon.
so terrible true
Janay shows all signs of a battered women
Everything that needs to be said about the personal situation in one post. Perfect. The NFL (the non-profit organization NFL, mind you) has unconscionably and deliberately lied, obfuscated, and and obstructed the truth, and protected a vile domestic abuser. When they re-tweated Janay APOLOGIZING FOR HER “ROLE” in having the ever loving sh!* beat out of her they lost all plausibility in their claim to not being fully aware of how bad the situation was. They need to be stripped of their non-profit status, and organizational heads need to roll since this is a repeated pattern of behavior for this type of conduct. Disgusting.
Agree with everything you said. Also “non-profit”, I don’t think it means what they claim it means! I wasn’t even aware they were non-profit until recently. *GIANT EYEROLL*
Okay this non-profit thing is getting on my nerves because it is misleading.
1. The NFL is a 501 C6 not a C3 like the charity organizations or St. Jude as someone mentioned earlier. They are an organization of members who promote an industry or business. They technically do not pay taxes, but the members do.
2. The Ravens although an NFL team are not the NFL. They are the ones who tweeted Janay’s comment and made it public. They pay taxes to Maryland, the City of Baltimore, and the Feds, although they have some nice loopholes too, but not as many in Maryland as the Redskins down the road, as Maryland basically bent over backwards to get those guys here. Don’t get me started on the stupidity of buying teams.
3. If they change status they will probably not pay any taxes either. MLB recently just changed their status from 501 C6 to a private corp. Guess what rumor has it as a private corp they didn’t pay any taxes. We don’t know for sure as they are private. But the understanding is they did this to keep private what they were going to pay people.
These organization classified themselves as 501 C6 status, because technically this is what they are in the US tax code. Once you are set up in one tax system it is a pain to change the system, but not impossible. The NBA was always set up as a private corp. The NHL is a 501 C6 but runs at a loss even under their current accounting status. Contrary to popular thinking this will not bring a flood of taxes or really penalize the NFL at all just change their accounting. A 503 c6 profit and loss runs differently as a profit company, because different things are considered expenses than others.
The reality is people are going to watch and go to NFL games no matter what. I am guessing that this won’t effect them much. Since it seems like the NFL wants to change their PR debacle don’t you think it would be better to petition them to organize and support more domestic abuse causes to help the root problem.
If you want to go after the tax money go to the NFL teams directly- the tax loopholes and goodies from the states. But Maryland will be hard because the Redskins got so much more than the Ravens to begin with.
Thank you for your constant elegance when covering those issues, Bedhead.
I second your comment. 👍
thirded: http://img.thesun.co.uk/aidemitlum/archive/00932/SNN2003SUBB_280_932494a.jpg
Fourthed.
Thank you for the classy and respectful coverage–with all the hate being spewed against Janay, all the victim-blaming, it’s nice to be able to come here and be around people that get it.
plus eleventy billion.
Yes. I feel like everyone is yammering about this and I can barely tune in through all of the noise. The posts and discussions that I’ve taken in here have been thoughtful, powerful and important.
Props
+ infinity.
My heart goes out to Janay. This situation has put her in even more danger. I pray that she finds the strength and understanding to leave him before he kills her. Because he will.
I posted similar thoughts below. It just makes me so sad to even have this thought.
I think the NFL knew about it and until it got released was quite happy to let the 2 game suspension stand.
And people need to stop talking about this woman and going after her on social media. Many women of domestic abuse don’t get it and we know they stay with their men and defend them. Having people saying things like she’s just staying with him for the money or needs help or calling out her family just needs to stop. This reminds me of Rhianna and Chris Brown all over again. Both of these people are adults and are going to do what they do. We can just pray that she stays safe and leave it at that.
Á propos……I read this last evening.
Joe Biden, on top form:
http://jezebel.com/the-best-commentary-on-ray-rices-suspension-comes-from-163239932
Edit: yes indeed, GNAT.
I got a “Kinja 404” on the link.
http://jezebel.com/the-best-commentary-on-ray-rices-suspension-comes-from-1632399325
Should work?
Dayum…..I thought I’d mastered it at last. Sorry!
(Twas only a recent article, = easily found if you’re interested.)
try this…
http://jezebel.com/the-best-commentary-on-ray-rices-suspension-comes-from-1632399325
BOOM from Biden.
Thanks. I think that a lot more onus needs to be placed on educating young men, too. Providing support for women is only one part of it. Driving home that men who do this will be considered outcasts, and emphatically stressing how terrible these acts are must also be part of the answer.
We haven’t moved too far from the past when women were considered property, if people consider these situations ‘private’ and ‘domestic’. They are brutal assaults, not marital or relationship bickerings.
Cool, ta, Doofus and Diana
x
You did a good job, Chris, you merely left a 5 off on the end when you cut and pasted, that’s all. 🙂
Tnx, Kiddo
🙂
That emphasis on *domestic* by Biden was a simple but critical observation. Words are enormously powerful, as tools as well as weapons, and reassessing language we use unthinkingly (izzat a word?) is a huge part of all the advancements made in any move forward.
Interesting…but to me the word “domestic” sends a clear message–“it’s a private matter between two lovers and it’s none of our business”.
It does seem to normalize violence in a sense…it makes it something other than “real” violence.
Violence and violence and Biden is right: if anything, the psychological implications of being abused by the one you love the most is worse than being hurt by an enemy.
@kiddo, I totally agree! Education, resources, tools, and the way we have this conversation needs to change. This actually reminds me a lot about the rape conversations and “prevention” measures that say “don’t get raped” rather than “don’t rape.” The focus needs to be on teaching potential abusers NOT to abuse, how to handle their emotions in more productive manners, and provide them with resources that will support this focus and endeavor, rather than trying to tell potential victims how to avoid being victimized. I think EVERYONE needs to make smarter decisions, but the emphasis of the discussion needs to start with setting higher expectations to avoid abusing and stricter/harsher consequences for abusing.
@Shahrizai, Exactly. If appropriate behavior isn’t being taught or demonstrated at home, why not introduce some curriculum at an early time at school? If there are sex education classes, there should also be something included about respectful and healthy relationships, all around.
Bleh, my comment should say “violence is violence”.
Growing up, we learned about unhealthy relationships, DV, along with sex ed, all as part of “Health Class”.
Or are you just talking about the education of the abuser as part of their treatment?
I think the difficulty is probably in identifying a “potential” abuser before the abuse actually takes place. The problem with a lot of abusers seems to be their uncanny ability to con, deceive, and manipulate.
Having present and involved father figures who set a clear example of how men should treat women is probably the most effective way to combat abuse.
@TheOriginalKitten, No doubt. But there needs to be a cultural awakening as well.
I don’t know about you, but the healthy relationship education part, for me, was minimal, at best.
Hmmm…you know I’m not sure if it was a huge part of health class or not. Probably not.
I just remember it very well just because I was entering into my first “real” relationship at that age with an older guy, so I paid careful attention to everything my teacher was saying about unhealthy relationships.
But I do recall it being framed along the lines of “be careful, young lady!” instead of “don’t do that, young men” so you have a really good point, Kiddo.
Instead of telling young women to watch out for dangerous men, we should be teaching young men to work through their anger in a healthy, non-violent way.
I agree with the domestic adjective does seem like it seems to infer it is a private matter.
How about just assaults or abuse. We need to change the dialogue and the conversation, and try to make abusers realize this is an unacceptable behavior that will be punished either in jail or some other way in society.
Perhaps the NFL being such a violent profession should have more counseling with the players to help prevent this. It does seem like these violent professions including law enforcement seem to have a quite a few abusers. In society maybe we should look at when you are in a profession involving violence you attract that crowd, and you need to look for them and counsel them before they hit someone.
“Perhaps the NFL being such a violent profession should have more counseling with the players to help prevent this.”
I look at it as a chicken/egg scenario. It’s hard to say if violent men are simply drawn to a sport like football or if football itself is responsible for propagating violence. Maybe it’s a little bit of both, huh?
This is some really interesting statistical data:
http://fivethirtyeight.com/datalab/the-rate-of-domestic-violence-arrests-among-nfl-players/
Consider the average NFL player: in order to play at that level, they must have excelled through college, high school, possibly even grade school. Think about the treatment that football players tend to receive in college and high school: the special treatment, the acceptance of behavior, the breaks given, the adoration received from the community. Now, not every player lets it go to their head, but consider the entitlement that breeds, and then add that entitlement to someone that feels a need to make themselves feel better by controlling their romantic partner, and there you go.
In a situation like hers where this is the only man she’s ever been with, even though he’s abusive that’s all she knows. The abusive episodes she’s endured have warped her judgement to the point where, as we all know, the abused woman takes on the burden of guilt in being the cause of the violent behaviour. Domestic violence is all about emotional control as well, reward and punishment. I think Ray Rice has not only been physically violent, but emotionally controlling to the point where she’s basically brain-washed. It’s a sordid, sad situation and for her to blame the media for ruining their lives is proof that she’s been manipulated into actually believing that her husband isn’t the problem.
Without a doubt, the beatings are accompanied by a raging, spittle -laced invective about how it is all her fault. B@stard.
My first boyfriend was incredibly emotionally abusive, and I didn’t know any better, either. It’s just now, 10-ish years later, that I’m realizing the hold he had on me and the way he made me feel. And this is coming from someone who has always been labeled as “independent,” “strong,” “bossy,” etc. It can happen to anyone.
Ditto, scooter. See my comment above that relates some of that experience. When you’re in the midst of it, especially if you’re relatively naive and inexperienced, it can be impossible to see that something might be wrong. In my case, even once I started to have an inkling that things weren’t right, denial kicked in–hard. For a long time it was impossible for me to reconcile the way the world saw me (like you said of yourself: strong, independent, intelligent…) with the way I felt while in that relationship (dependent, desperate, insecure). I didn’t think I could be both–I didn’t want to be able to be both–so I pretended the negative aspects didn’t exist. Until I couldn’t.
It’s been nearly 20 years, but I don’t know if I’ll ever feel that I’ve fully “worked through” the ramifications of that relationship.
I think she is doing this for survival. That’s what my mom did for my dad for years…until she decided to stop the madness and left.
This poor, brainwashed woman. I hope she has family and friends who can help her get far, far away from this guy before he kills her. omg.
She is totally brainwashed at this point and I’m sure he’s beating her as we speak because it’s all her fault. In his mind.
Your “as we speak” just brought me to tears because I know it’s true, and reminds me of the day I called the state troopers on my father after he didn’t heed my warning about my mother {she didn’t press charges >:-( }.
No one – not Nike, not the Ravens, not the NFL – has ANY excuse. Two people walked into an elevator and when the doors opened, one was dragged lifeless out of the car nonchalantly by the other. Rice admitted he knocked her out. The interior footage should not have been needed for the league, the team or sponsors to cut ties with this abusive loser.
Word.
double word.
Well said.
I did not know this story, and I am horrified by the team behaviour: they made HER apologize for what ???
I think this woman is in danger more than ever, and she needs help.
I wish her to find the strenght and run away.
The most chilling part of the video was how nonchalant he was about what he did. He did not check to see if she was still breathing or look like he had any regret at all. The fact that he knocked her cold seemed to have no impact on him at all. He dragged her out of the elevator like she was a trash bag. Based on that, I’m guessing that knocking her cold is nothing new.
And while I feel for her about the media coverage, the fault is his. He knocked her out in a public place. He is a public figure. We can’t hide this. For all of those who have suffered abuse, we need to air this and respond harshly. It’s frankly about time that people started caring. Too often women were told to not make trouble, that they must have brought it on, that their abuser doesn’t deserve consequences, that their abuser is really, really sorry and is not really “like that.”
yup, this was mentioned in a lot of posts. his (non)reaction to knocking her out tells me that not only did he hit her previously but I’d bet my next paycheck that he’s knocked her out previously.
it was like “oh, yup, knocked her out and down she goes again”. no concern at all.
My husband and I were talking about this yesterday. He said, “She just needs to leave. I mean, if someone did that ish to me, I would be out the door so fast…” to which I replied, “You CAN say that. You’ve never been in that vulnerable of a position.” We went on to talk about the statistics, where “…when attempting to defend themselves: 94% of black female homicide victims are killed by people they know and 64% of those victims are wives, ex-wives or girlfriends of their killers” (http://www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2014/sep/08/ray-rice-domestic-violence-video-janay-palmer-victim-blaming). The link contains links to other sources of data and statistics on this.
The fact that Ray Rice WAS so nonchalant about having knocked out Janay definitely seems like a clear indication that this wasn’t the first time, which also leads to speculation that it wasn’t the last, either. Her statement via Instagram makes me so sad, because she is doing what she can to survive. At this moment, she is doing what she thinks is best for her survival, and sadly, it’s not atypical to see this type of response in DV victims. It was the case for my mom (emotional and mental abuse), too, until she realized if she didn’t leave, she would die, not the other way around. I wish there was a way to have this discussion without having to rehash the moment of violence for the victims, and I really, really wish that this discussion could be had from the lens of “don’t abuse” rather than “don’t get abused.” There really is a HUGE difference in how the message is conveyed simply by the words we use.
@ Josephine
I was shocked that what you addresses took so long to come to me
Think about it, Ray “boom boom” Rice is an NFL running back strong as an ox and built like a brick shit house. ..you mean to tell me he couldn’t have cradled her in his arms and carried her out of the elelvator?? Or even a fireman’s pick up? Anything other than dragging her *facedown* on the floor, risking further head trauma.!
Even if he was drunk, he wasn’t so sloshed that he couldn’t keep his balance while dragging her. When you are drunk you lose balance and equilibrium, not strength.
The utter contempt he had for her and her condition is the worst part of the whole video. Ain’t no way that was the first time he laid hands on her, judging by how quick he was to swing on her as soon as they were alone.
Janay,….you in danger, girl!
The fact the “brick shit house” hit her in the first place and knocked her out is enough to answer the question of why he didn’t “cradle her in his arms” and carry her out. And by hitting her he showed he didn’t give a damn about head trauma, never mind the potential “further head trauma” of dragging her out.
But, yes, she is in danger.
Poor girl. My heart breaks for her. Right now it’s just a fight for her to stay alive.
The horrible thing is that the media attention probably will, in the long run, make it worse for her. Her husband is now out of a job, and he probably blames her. That doesn’t bode well for her future with him. The “tough love” approach is the one that seems to make the most sense, but it often serves to increase the isolation the woman feels. It sets up the old “us against the world” argument and will serve to actually increase the bond between the two of them.
That’s why this situation is so tricky. I’ve seen some people argue that Rice should have been allowed to continue to play (or at least ne suspened with some ability to earn a basic salary) while being required to go through counseling and other interventions that could benefit the family. It sounds bad, but what has been accomplished here? It seems like you now have a family in which the man will only get worse, the woman is more devoted to him then ever and they will continue in the cycle they’re already in. Who has benefitted from this other than the media and people getting a chance to shake their heads?
I wonder if any woman will come forward now. If you accuse your NFL mate of abuse he’ll lose his job and be banned from the league. That’s not an incentive for the woman to seek help at all.
Exactly. I get that people want to punish Ray Rice – and he certainly deserves to be punished. But this situation, to me, is more about punishing Rice then getting help for the real victim in this – Janay. Now her husband is out of a job and their lifestyle and marriage are at risk because of it. That’s a prime recipe for violence. I get why she’s lashing out – probably because she knows what is now at risk. I worry about the can of worms this has opened because the actual victim in this is no closer to getting help – she’s probably further away from it now.
I know what you’re saying but the NFL can’t control what a player’s spouse decides to do with her own life. If anything, her family and friends and Ray’s family and friends should be intervening now.
The thing about counseling is that many DV experts advocate against it for several reasons:
1.) If it’s couples counseling, the counselor usually isn’t equipped to deal with the disparate power dynamic inherent in an abusive relationship.
2.) The abuser being present during counseling is incredibly intimidating for the victim. It’s unlikely that she’ll open up about anything for fear of retribution later behind closed doors.
3.) If Ray is forced to endure counseling not on his own volition, he’s likely to feel resentful and not truly present. In order to reap the benefits of counseling, the person being counseled has to actively participate, to be engaged. Forcing someone into counseling rarely works, particularly with abusers, who are notoriously difficult to rehabilitate.
At the end of the day, the NFL is a business that will do what’s right for their bottom line–their image, and their profit margin. I feel awful for Janay, but I don’t think that the NFL has an obligation to fix her life. She really needs family support right now most of all. She needs people that she loves and trusts to be her reinforcement and to step in and intervene.
Ideally, she would see this incident for what it is and leave, but we all know it’s not that easy, so family is the next best thing.
As far as Ray is concerned, he needs to seek treatment on his own or to have a trusted mentor or father figure persuade him into counseling. Even then, there is no guarantee, but I don’t fault the NFL for cutting this guy loose. If counseling was a guarantee for rehabilitation, then I might see things differently, but it’s a helluva gamble to keep this guy on the payroll, when it’s likely that his pattern of behavior will continue.
Something else to think about–being away from the brutal nature of pro-football might not be a terrible thing for him. That environment seems to encourage problem-solving through violence and Rice really needs to be reprogrammed to not think that way.
@TheOriginalKitten, good post.
Kitten: Counseling is not perfect, but it can work. Nothing else has really been shown to be effective. Men who abuse partners, by and large, seem to come from really similar backgrounds. A large majority come from homes in which they were either abused or they saw abuse happen. Many of them grew up in highly charged environments that had very strong ideas about masculinity and how men should act towards women – generally attitudes of dominance and control. And a great number have serious anger and impulse control issues. In addition, substance abuse and mental illness pop up a great deal. Therapy has been the only way proven to help abusers realize the roots of their issues and work through them. It’s not perfect, but at least it would be a starting point. And while mandating therapy isn’t ideal, plenty of people can and do benefit from it, so I’m not sure that should be a disqualifier.
I get why the NFL did what it did. But that wasn’t my point. My point was that they, regardless of why, have very likely just made the situation worse. Frankly, I hate that this has become a “teachable moment” because the actual victim is getting lost here (at worse, mocked). Firing Ray Rice doesn’t help his wife in any appreciable way. If her own words are any indication, she’s more devoted to him than ever. And he’s now unemployed because of this. What a terrible recipe for violence.
Would the ideal be for Janay Rice to take her daughter and run? Yes. Will she? Probably not, if history and psychology teach us anything. In those cases, I tend to support making resources available to both parties but not doing the “tough love” approach, since we’re seeing it right now.
Sam: If you’re lamenting the situation, which is essentially one of no winners, then yeah I agree with you in that respect, I just disagree with you putting the blame on the NFL.
“Firing Ray Rice doesn’t help his wife in any appreciable way.”
No, it doesn’t, but I don’t see how keeping Ray on the team will help Janay at this point either. The damage to his reputation is done and the public scrutiny she’s endured will only continue as she remains in the spotlight as a famous athlete’s wife. Not only that, but letting Rice keep his generous paycheck and forcing him into counseling sends a larger message that Ray’s rehabilitation and livelihood is more important than violence against women. So once again, the man is given the opportunity for redemption. And the woman? Well, the woman should stand by her man while he tries to get better, of course. F*ck her safety and well-being.
“Hey men, don’t worry about smacking your b*tch up! There’s no punishment for that, you still get to do what you love, still make plenty of money, you just have to see a counselor a couple times a week.”
No, sorry, but I think zero tolerance is the right message for the NFL to (finally) send. This isn’t just about Janay, this is about young men and women who look up to athletes as role models. We shouldn’t be sending the message to young men that it’s ok to beat, and we shouldn’t be sending the message to young women that it’s ok to be beaten.
“If her own words are any indication, she’s more devoted to him than ever. And he’s now unemployed because of this. ”
I don’t think the NFL is to blame for Janay’s devotion. If getting cold-cocked in an elevator wasn’t a game-changer for her, I doubt anything will diminish her commitment to him. And it should be obvious at this point that Ray Rice is unemployed because of his actions and his actions alone.
We don’t have to agree (and I can see that we don’t) but the NFL did the right thing. Sure, it was WAY too late but they finally sent the message that this kind of behavior is not ok. It’s terribly sad that Janay’s safety might be at risk because of it, but the larger message that their actions are sending is a very important one. It’s a clear condemnation of domestic violence and that MEANS something.
Kitten: I’ve got to disagree with you HUGELY on this statement:
“Not only that, but letting Rice keep his generous paycheck and forcing him into counseling sends a larger message that Ray’s rehabilitation and livelihood is more important than violence against women.
NO. Speaking as somebody who worked in counseling, NO. Oftentimes, the best thing you can do for the victim is to treat the abuser.
Let’s be real here: Most abuse victims do NOT leave their abusers – or if they do, it takes a very, very long time (I believe the latest data states that the average victim will make 7 attempts before leaving for good). That is a HUGE number of abuse victims who are staying, right now. For them, no amount of “we’ll support you when you leave” will work. They ARE staying. Janay Rice is (as of now) staying. Them’s the breaks.
I am a huge opponent of zero tolerance – in all its forms (crime, drugs, schooling, etc.) Guess why? Because it almost never works. The NFL was in a position to at least TRY to force Ray Rice to confront himself and try to get treatment. Would it be guaranteed? Hell no. Might it work? Yes – far more likely than firing him and then washing your hands of what might happen to his wife now. It would take a fool not to see that Janay Rice is at more risk of violence now then she was before, because her husband can blame her for losing his job.
Treating abusers helps victims. I know the desire for revenge and punishment is strong and going with it feels good – and believe me, I have no love for Ray Rice. But right now, treating him is probably the single best way to help his wife and daughter. The NFL didn’t abandon Ray Rice, they abandoned Janay and her daughter. When he does it again (and yes, he will do it again) they won’t be there in any capacity. She’ll just be another battered woman. Even as much as it stinks, treating and engaging abusers is good for victims. Research backs this up. Frankly, minimizing any harm to Janay should take priority over punishing Ray Rice right now, but everyone seems to have forgotten that.
Sam-you’re missing my point entirely.
You seem to think that I’m arguing against rehabilitation. Please read carefully: I’m arguing against the NFL being responsible for Ray Rice’s rehabilitation, that’s all.
Friends, family, loved ones intervening, getting Ray Rice into counseling–I’m all for that. I’m simply saying that the NFL is only responsible to the NFL fan base and as such they DO have an obligation to send a message to fans that domestic violence will not be tolerated in any capacity.
If that means Ray Rice is on his own, then so be it. Hell, the liability involved with being responsible for rehabilitating an abuser…why should that be on their shoulders?
You said yourself that it often takes years and years for a victim to leave, so if rehabilitation doesn’t work (which let’s face it, it often doesn’t) the NFL is supposed to be having this man representing their franchise? …while he goes home every night to beat his wife?
If an athlete was accused of molesting children but never convicted of anything would you think the NFL should keep him on the roaster while he gets help? No. If he was a heroin addict who was getting high on the field, should the NFL be held responsible for paying him while he’s unable to even play? Sure, get him help, but AFTER you let him go. That’s the way the world works-employers are not responsible for curing the problems of their employees.
I agree with rehabilitation and counseling, I do think that Janay’s safety should be a concern, I just don’t think that it’s the NFL that should be held liable for reforming any athlete.
@sam & TOK: thanks so much for such well-reasoned, insightful, informed, and, above all, respectful debate. I’ve learned a lot from both of you today.
One person is to blame: Ray Rice. I feel so bad for his wife, she truly believes this is not his fault. I pray she wakes up one day. Now, why I left: I am a strong woman, I was ashamed and in denial that domestic abuse was apart of my life. I hid it from everyone and would fight back, which just made everything worse. But the night he almost killed me, I was done. I called the police and my father, admitted what happened and prosecuted him. He went to jail and I remained a strong woman. I am and was never a victim, I refused that label. Instead, I chose to be a warrior. F!#^ him. It was/is his problem and had absolutely nothing to do with me. I found out, after pressing charges, that it wasn’t the first time he had been arrested for domestic violence. But, I was the only woman who followed up with the charges, the court dates, the stalking and the threats.
Sorry you experienced this but serious congratulations on taking control! I cannot even imagine how difficult that decision and its aftermath was for you. The silver lining is that I guarantee that it was/is far worse for him and, bonus, as long as he is put away he isn’t attempting to victimize someone else and if/when he is released he can take that well-earned record with him for the rest of his life! Good for you!
Seriously, the trial and all that went with it was liberating for me. I felt so strong and in control. I was no longer ashamed. He will always remember me, I left scars on his face that last night, defending myself. . Also, a 5 year restraining order was issued, so he won’t be a bother after he is released from jail. Thank you all for your support. Again, I am a Warrior! I just wish all women who faced this understood that it isn’t them, it is him.
@Tarheel Pixie
Congrats for following up on charges and trials, I did that too, previous women too scared to report the b@st@rd.
Yes, you get to the point that… You are going to die either way, so better to stand up for yourself!
Thank you and you are a warrior, too! No victims here!
TarheelPixie, Lady Macbeth, I love you both a lot right now. Hugs across the internet. Strong women unite! 🙂
ETA: and I believe we all have it in us to be Warriors.
Did any one hear what fox and friends said about the incident? They said “the moral of the story is take the stairs” then another anchor tried to one up the other one by saying “the moral is that elevators have cameras. ” and then they all had a good laugh about it.
I saw an article on that. And they wonder why conservatives can’t get women voters to align with them.
Brian Kilmeade is an idiot. http://mediamatters.org/research/2014/09/09/10-times-fox-host-brian-kilmeade-degraded-women/200704
YES! i thought i was hearing things, seriously. i mean, to say something like that, you really have to have $hit for brains.
This is what makes me SO ANGRY! The discussion is rarely “don’t abuse,” instead it’s “don’t get abused.” Putting the responsibility on the victim only serves to burden his or her load. The discussion needs to be about abusers having accountability and consequences, rather than the victim being blamed for his or her own victimization.
It wasn’t even don’t get abused, it was don’t get caught!
I can’t even with that. Don’t want to watch the vid, don’t want to support any clicks or sponsors. What a vile, disgusting group of people.
I posted it on yesterday’s thread. They are disgusting.
That is incredibly disgusting, and only helps continue victim blaming and cycles of abuse. They should all be incredibly ashamed.
Wow, that makes me angry and sick. What a bunch of useless f*ckers Fox and “Friends” is.
I feel so good reading these comments where not one is even close to “victim blaming”. It is all support and concern.
My topic is that I think it’s disgusting that the Ravens/NFL are using the “we didn’t see the video” to take themselves off the hook. They knew what he did, we all knew. He admired punching her and knocking her out. What did they think that looked like? Why was a visual needed before they believed it was brutal. A pro football player knocked out his fiancé. Horrifying. And another point made on our news, these teams and owners investigate every minute detail in a players life. They know what grades you got in elementary, they sure as hell know what goes on in his personal life. They knew exactly who he was and what he was capable of and signed him anyway.
My heart hurts for her because I know she is surrounded by people telling her she is ruining his career.
I hate the coverage of this story by ESPN and other sports journalists. The read her note without having a guest psychologist on hand to point out that this is coming from an abused woman and viewers should be careful about how the read it as it might either be coerced out of her or that it’s self per salvation to help her survive any more attacks or blaming by her husband.
But no they are taking it at face value. That recent interview with Ray Rice and his wife is particularly disturbing. That journo is helping him spread the news that all is ok with them and they are a united front. Fail ESPN.
Very good points. Why can’t we hold sports broadcasters up to the same high standards of investigation & due diligence that we expect to see in all of our news sources?
Oh so it’s the MEDIA that lifted up his fist, punched you in the face, dragged you half naked out of the elevator and left you face down on the floor. Guess I wasn’t able to see that on the video tape.
the fact that she still married him (and appeared next to him in press conferences, made statements supporting their relationship etc.) and the sheer level of violence of this incident make me think that there is a history of domestic violence in their relationship. they have been together a long time, i think since high school. plenty of time for the cycle of domestic violence to develop, and for her to grow to sincerely believe that there is no way to get out of this, for both emotional and situational reasons. sadly, i don’t think this is going to change anything in the long run. besides the stricter punishment guidelines that the NFL instituted (let’s see how they’re enforced when it comes to it – 2 players were recently arrested for DV, one from the Jets and one from the 49ers), we as a society will still glorify the aggression these men display on the field, and continue to (pretend to?) be surprised when their aggressive behavior continues once the game ends.
rachel maddow did a great segment on this last night:
on.msnbc.com/1qKnJRU
I’m not going to judge there relationship or why she is staying with him. But for every media outlet too keep showing the video is being disrespectful and rude to her. I hope they both can make it through this rough time.
What “real love” is? Oh my God, that poor dear! She does not even know herself what REAL *love* is!
This story has been the talk here at work, at my kids school, at the store, on the local news, everywhere. Luckily, we can trade in our Ray Rice jerseys this weekend. I have one and so does my daughter. She loved Ray. He was so nice to her and hugged her and took pictures the two times she met him. Yesterday I had to try my best to explain this to her when she came home from school asking me what happened.
I feel so badly for Janay. I just saw her at a restaurant last weekend with Ray and Rayven and she is sweet. I follow her on instagram, too. She has had her name dragged through the mud far before this whole thing. People were pulling up her court records when she first started dating Ray. She was called trashy, a hood rat, a gold digger and even worse when she had Rayven. Like I said yesterday, I know someone who works for the Ravens organization and Janay had been adamant that she played an equal part in this and wanted that PR angle to put out there. That is why she asked to be at that weird, super awkward press conference where Ray apologized and made the statement that she was sorry for her role. That is why I don’t think Biscotti, Bryne, Harbaugh, or Newsom had seen the whole elevator video because that would have never been allowed to occur. Obviously she DID NOT play an equal role. I’m sure the constant speculation (like we have no idea if Ray Rice has done this before or after- that he is manipulating her and is a serial abuser- and I hope for Janay and Rayven’s sake it was a one time deal) hurts her. She has been victim blamed, called an idiot for marrying him (and told she is stupid and deserves to get hurt), called a gold digger for marrying him, it was said she started it by slapping him, etc etc. Seeing that horrible video played over and over again has to hurt. I’m glad that hashtag started on Twitter.
I’m suffering an existential crisis because of this. Normally I would send my kids to school in their Ravens gear tomorrow, but something is eating me up inside. I keep hearing the Ravens fans around me say “well what about Rothliesberger- he r*ped someone (which I know he was never convicted of) or what about Michael Vick, or so and so who hurt their girlfriend and so on” and I think jeez look at the players we support. This has got to end.
This. I’m so for the discussion being opened and all of us, as a society, taking a look at how we talk about and handle these situations, but my heart bleeds for the victims whose lives become our examples for the discussion. Until we have personally been in the victim’s shoes, we should not be judging his or her decisions when it comes to survival; we need to focus on talking about how to make the abusers accountable for their actions and doing so consistently so our expectations go from “don’t get abused” to “don’t abuse.”
I know I’m soap boxing, but this just breaks my heart, and is an issue that my family has experienced to varying degrees.
@shahrizai – i’ve read the comments you’ve made up-thread, and they’re all excellent and eloquent advocacy. and you’re totally right. we as a society need to stop victim-blaming and blame-shifting. and we need to stop glorifying violence, inside and outside the home. my heart breaks for her too, and all the other victims we don’t get to hear about.
i work in DC, and a lot of people at my work wear ravens gear on fridays. several of them wear ravens jerseys. i’m very curious to see what will happen tomorrow.
The thing that’s so shocking to me is the female fans who act like a) it’s not abuse because she isn’t leaving/pressing charges, and b) blame her for ruining his career. I had the most enraging conversation with a couple girls the other night who thought what he did wasn’t that bad “because he just pushed her and she got knocked out from hitting her head,” as if that’s no big deal. Like whaaaa??? They had seen the video!
I feel that you’re really torn over this, but please go with your instincts. I know you want to believe this was a one time thing and surely he’s not capable of this because he’s so “nice” in public, but after that video of him literally dragging her out of the elevator like a load of trash with no concern for her well being after he knocked her out cold should tell you all you need to know about his true character.
Intesting TED talk about DV and why people stay
http://www.ted.com/talks/leslie_morgan_steiner_why_domestic_violence_victims_don_t_leave?utm_medium=on.ted.com-twitter&utm_content=awesm-inlinelinkcreator&utm_campaign=ted&awesm=on.ted.com_i0SB5&utm_source=t.co#t-940785
Thanks.
Here’s an article from The Atlantic on the same topic: http://www.theatlantic.com/health/archive/2014/09/why-they-stayed/379843/
This makes me sick. I’m British, not up on NFL or anything but I’ve followed this story and it makes me ill. A few years ago, myself and my now-husband were both victims of abusive relationships. We were best friends, had been since childhood, so I watched him deteriorate from a bubbly, handsome fella to the most withdrawn man ever. He was emotionally and mentally abused by his ex-boyfriend. After a short fling, my abuser moved me in. Then began abusing me. It started with name-calling and a smack here and there and then escalated into locking me in the flat when he went to work, beating me unconscious and leaving me to wake up in a pool of my own drying, sticky blood, rape, sexual abuse, the works. I was told I was stupid, Aspergers and ADHD would make me a sh*t teacher. If I ever left the flat, he’d burn my parents home down with them in it then find me and end me too. My now-husband found out. He was putting his own abuse behind him and he became my support system and my affair. He ended up getting me out of a bad situation but I remained in it for months because I was too scared to leave. You can’t just leave, it’s not that easy. I wish it was, then nobody would be living in this situation. My husband was poisoned by his ex to think that nobody else would want him, yeah, they weren’t together anymore but he can’t have anyone else, he’d hurt him, and maybe there’s a chance they could be back together, except not really. Mind games, harrowing abuse, pain… It’s NEVER that easy.
In the end, I’m now a high school English Literature and Language teacher, happily married to my bestest friend and saviour and we have babies together born via surrogacy. When you do get out, the feeling is amazing. I wish her much love and luck and hope she finds a way out soon.
jesus, simon. so happy that you got out and are now happily married with a lovely family. as much of a support your husband was and is, you’re the one who saved yourself – good for you. 🙂
Beautiful post!! And congrats for choosing your new life, as I did nearly 4 years ago now. It is amazing, isn’t it? When you leave the abuse, it feels like getting wings. Good luck Simon!
Simon you and your husband sound like very strong and compassionate people. Congratulations on your family you have built together. Maybe love saved you.
It’s good to read that escape, and subsequent happiness is indeed possible.
A great post there, Simon, and I’m delighted by your evident, flourishing love. Thanks for telling us.
Those trapped like Janay might take heart from tales like yours too, because I’d imagine that any thought of a future must meet a gigantic brick wall, in such desperate circumstances.
Bravo to you, Simon. That ordeal was horrific, but you are clearly stronger than your abuser ever wished he could be.
Lovely post and so glad you were able to get out, Simon. I hope Janay can find strength one day too.
Simon-congrats on your new life. You deserve it!
Simon your story highlights that not all DV victims are heterosexual females. I think it is really important that we see this as a genderless issue. I don’t care what gender the abuser/abusee is. I feel too many times male victims whether they are male x male or female x male abuse are marginalised.
I am so happy you and your husband got out of these awful relationships. I hope your experiences help you teach your children how to be safe and respectful in their relationships. It makes my heart smile that you have found happiness and a new life.
Oh I must disagree there, though not in any way dismissing the fact that men do indeed suffer such abuse at the hands of women.
But the stats really overwhelm that, and show that the majority, by miles, are male offenders, in a relentless hailstorm of terror, and predominantly the victims are women. If this were a phenomenon within an otherwise equal society, then I’d be more willing to back the call for seeing the crime as a genderless issue. But this crime takes place in superficially evolved society that has finessed sexual equality in such a way as to match every right won with an equal and opposite form of oppression. Women, still, are for men’s approval, pleasure, and consumption, young people learn this from an environmrnt saturated with images of objectified women. Young women swallow the fallacy of ’empowerment through signalling voluntary subjugation’….and put up with its dangerous reality, seeing that as their informed choice.
I’m ‘scribbling’ this in great haste, on the way out, so forgive incoherence and for gawd’s sake don’t mistake me……I am SO not saying that women cause the problem. I am saying that women, and, I hope, most good men, simply do no think about the very strong hatred of women that permeates our entertainment and media culture, (and, be honest, our respected religions) though it pretends to celebrate our independence. We have female CEOs, Presidents, and Prime Ministers, and Secretaries of State, but we are not yet free and equal while we have an ancient threat in our daily lives.
So to get back on track, if I can….whilst you are surely right from a standpoint of decency, I think the matter regarding female victims is much, much more pressing, and stems from a separate, insidious, and well-protected source.
I apologise if this is shouty or over-assertive……I intend no aggression, just hurrying.
Hi Chris,
If you see my post below I talk about this. Everything you said is true. I will never argue with what you said. But that does not mean male victims are not out there and they are marginalized worse than female victims. BUT male victims of violence are also likely extremely to NOT report any abuse.
Societal misogyny is why women are overwhelmingly victims of violence, you are right. I am not denying that we have problems in how we view and treat women in the media. Especially since women are breaking out of their traditional roles. BUT by that is also exactly why this becomes a genderless crime. By making it a genderless crime and taking the gender out of it it becomes something where the law can be applied equally and fairly. What happens when domestic assault becomes assault? You get none of this violent perpetrator classes or “help” that law enforcement uses to sweep these crimes under the rug. Nope it’s a crime and you go to jail. That is why I am saying this is a genderless crime and a genderless issue. If we treat it as such we get real results not this crap that continues to perpetuate misogyny.
I heard that he had said it was the first and only time he hit her. I can’t help but think the first time someone abuses you it isn’t a punch to the face. I think it would be something that would escalate after a while.
I don’t think anyone can judge her until they walk a mile in her shoes.
DiGiorno needs to worry about the disgusting new sauce that contaminates their pizzas.
That’s a load of bullshit. I saw the video. He didn’t even check on her to see if she was still breathing. If I was a football player, and I had socked my fiancee so hard that she was knocked out (and it was the first time), the first thing I would do is pick her up to see if she’s okay. He dragged her out of the elevator, face down, grabbed her sandal (that had fallen off her foot in the elevator)–and left her feet in the hallway of the elevator.
He didn’t check on her ONCE. The person who helped her up, and comforted her was a female employee. He didn’t even TRY to offer his hand to help her up when she came to.
I’m so glad I’m not a fan of football (or sports for that matter).
+1
SO true! That kind of violence doesn’t come out of nowhere, there’s often steady escalation over time. And even if it was “the only time,” it’s not like that makes it any less horrific! Can’t understand how some people watch that video and say “Well, it only happened once,” as if there’s some “three strikes you’re out” rule to domestic abuse!
I am a counselor at a domestic violence agency, and I work with both victims and batterers. I wish the NFL had mandated some sort of BIPP program for him. He made a terrible choice, and should suffer the consequences. However, all hope is not lost for him. He obviously has a lot of demons to work through. I also hope she finds the help she needs. The cycle can stop with both of them.
It’s a rough analogy that is bound to offend some on here but I think it is best to treat abusive relationships the same way we would addiction because in reality they are very similar. But much in the same way you cannot overcome an addict’s addiction for them, you cannot end someone else’s abusive relationship for them. Much like addiction, some of the people abused will get out overcome this barrier and survive. Some people will be killed by their abuser in the same way that some people die of overdoses. It’s a hard truth to accept. It’s one of those situations where you expect the worst and hope for the best.
I hope Janay sees the light and gets out of that situation with Ray. It’s a terrible and toxic situation that is bound to become taxing on her emotional & physical health. But the ball is in her court and she alone has to make the choice to leave. But I am grateful that her situation has opened up the forum on the issues that arise from domestic abuse to this day and how poorly it is still handled.
It also bothers me how much we still marginalize abused men. I’m not saying that this is a case of that but I think it is high time that we see domestic abuse as a genderless crime and give credence to males who are abused as much as female. Yes 80% of victims of abuse are female and that societal misogyny is a huge factor in domestic violence against women but that may be a huge part in that men are more likely to not report their abuse. But we have to recognize that there are women who abuse as well as men. This is about teaching respect to all.
delete
NFL culture is men being violent period. In contact if you can injury someone and they are out for the season that is good. So the percentage of psycho ‘s in the NFL is pretty high. If the NFL had been reasonable then RR would have received a stronger penalty then one also just give for smoking pot where the player was suspended for the season. Now what a mess this poor girl is home with a crazy husband all day. Personally think TMZ should stop releasing tapes of drunks being crazy on elevators. If Solange had been the size of Ray Rice JZ would have been dragged out of the elevator too. This is not helping these people guys .
Janay breaks my heart. And that poor baby girl they have-sigh. My dad grew up in an abusive home. He said as a child he thought his father would kill his mother. I can’t even imagine the horror of that. I had a friend in college who was abused by her boyfriend-it was so awful to witness first hand the crap she endured, and the cycle of breaking up/getting back together/more abuse-and NOTHING we could say would get through to her. She finally left school to get away from him. I’m never going to shade the victims.
This whole thing has really hit me hard. I haven’t been sleeping, and I think I’ve finally figured out why. Janay’s “LEAVE US ALONE” reaction made me remember my own sister in law’s reaction when I pulled her aside and asked her if my brother was hitting her and their children. (She showed up to a family gathering with two black eyes, her infant daughter had a fractured skull.) She was so angry with me. She told me to mind my own business, go fuck myself, and if I ever brought it up to her again, I’d never see my nieces again. At the time, I did feel like I was intruding on her business, so I dropped it. It’s one of the biggest regrets of my life. Eventually, my brother did serve jail time for DV, but only after years of terrorizing and brutalizing his wife and kids. Ten years later, they’re divorced but my nieces are just disasters – one of them is a pregnant teen, the other one is a cutter and severely depressed. I feel responsible that I didn’t push through my sister in law’s anger and try harder to get her to leave.
Don’t be hard on yourself. There was nothing you could have done. The choice to leave was your SiL’s to make, not yours. Pushing would have only made her resist more.
I accidentally posted this story twice. I apologize, my hands are still shaking. Normally I don’t speak of this. I just wanted to tell about it in case, like the others here, it helps someone.
Kri, my heart breaks for you, but I am so happy you got out.
Why I stayed-He said he would kill my family, including my 4 yr.old niece. I said ‘You don;t even know where they live”. He scared me by repeating from memory every phone#& address(home, work, pre-school) of all of my immediate family members. If I did something “bad” he would sit on me. Sounds funny, but sometimes for 30 minutes. I used to try to fight, but the quicker I stopped , the sooner he let me up. Like the woman in the article, he would sit in front of the door. We had 3 cats that he actually loved and spoiled.He picked up one and threw her out the window one day and then told me if he could do that to a cat he loved, I should think about what he would do to me if I didn’t” improve”. WHY I LEFT& HOW-One day I was getting ready for work, and he always watched me. Then he would take me there. That day, he had to leave for a business thing early, and told me I had to call off. I said my manager was counting on me and would get suspicious, so I had to get ready early ad leave with him. I grabbed my contact case and toothbrush and put them in my purse when he was rushing around. The neighbors were moving out next door. There were three GIANT guys holding a couch in the hallway. When I saw them, I ran to one and hid behind him like a kid. I was screaming ” Help me, help me, don’t let him take me, ” and other stuff. That bastard tried to tell them I was crazy and grabbed at my arm. The guy dropped the couch , and the other two shoved my ex into the apartment. The guy carried me down the steps and put me into a taxi. I went to a work friend’s house–a friend he didn’t know I had because she was black, and he didn’t think black people and white people could be friends.She knew what was up and had offered me many times a safe place…. I stayed hidden for two weeks, got all my bruises photographed and went to the cops and a lawyer. I called him once from a public phone to tell him he was sick and needed help. I also told him to fu&k off. I never, EVER went back. I left the city, I never saw my cats again, and had nothing but my contact lens case, the clothes I was wearing, and my toothbrush. Oh, and of course-my freedom and dignity. Janay, or whatever yor name is-this does NOT have to be your life.
Oh, kri, you are so strong…..
Kri, I have no words, just hugs. Glad you got away from that situation.
This is just…there are no words.
You have balls like no other, Kri.
I know this is probably the least atrocious aspect of your story, but when I read about you leaving your kitties…I’m seriously tearing up in my office cube. I cannot imagine how terrified you must have been.
I’m so happy you’re safe now, and I hope that bast-rd rots.
Hugs to you kri. I’m glad you’re a survivor and able to be here sharing your story.
@OKitt
That made me sad too. Who knows what that f-cker did to those poor cats.
That’s incredible kri. You have enormous strength. I am also grateful for your courageous defenders who helped you escape. {big hugs}
Chr*st almighty, Kri.
What horrors people endure every day, in our safe, civilised communities, while the (fortunate) likes of me fret about utterly trivial inconveniences at worst.
I hope you find joy and clear skies ahead. x
So sorry to hear that, but I agree, don’t blame yourself. All you can do is be there for them now, as much as you can and as much as they’ll let you. I hope the kids can get some therapy or a support group or something.
I am not speaking from experience so I might be wrong, but I wonder if the anger reaction when you asked her was really self directed anger for not being able to get out and protect herself and the kids. It wasn’t about you, but about the guilt and shame she must have felt once someone else knew.
Why I stayed-He said he would kill my family, including my 4 yr.old niece. I said ‘You don;t even know where they live”. He scared me by repeating from memory every phone#& address(home, work, pre-school) of all of my immediate family members. If I did something “bad” he would sit on me. Sounds funny, but sometimes for 30 minutes. I used to try to fight, but the quicker I stopped , the sooner he let me up. Like the woman in the article, he would sit in front of the door. We had 3 cats that he actually loved and spoiled.He picked up one and threw her out the window one day and then told me if he could do that to a cat he loved, I should think about what he would do to me if I didn’t” improve”. WHY I LEFT& HOW-One day I was getting ready for work, and he always watched me. Then he would take me there. That day, he had to leave for a business thing early, and told me I had to call off. I said my manager was counting on me and would get suspicious, so I had to get ready early ad leave with him. I grabbed my contact case and toothbrush and put them in my purse when he was rushing around. The neighbors were moving out next door. There were three GIANT guys holding a couch in the hallway. When I saw them, I ran to one and hid behind him like a kid. I was screaming ” Help me, help me, don’t let him take me, ” and other stuff. That bastard tried to tell them I was crazy and grabbed at my arm. The guy dropped the couch , and the other two shoved my ex into the apartment. The guy carried me down the steps and put me into a taxi. I went to a work friend’s house–a friend he didn’t know I had because she was black, and he didn’t think black people and white people could be friends.She knew what was up and had offered me many times a safe place…. I stayed hidden for two weeks, got all my bruises photographed and went to the cops and a lawyer. I called him once from a public phone to tell him he was sick and needed help. I also told him to fu&k off. I never, EVER went back. I left the city, I never saw my cats again, and had nothing but my contact lens case, the clothes I was wearing, and my toothbrush. Oh, and of course-my freedom and dignity. Janay, or whatever yor name is-this does NOT have to be your life.
kri – thank you for sharing. your story is heartbreaking. best of luck in everything you do.
geez, kri, I am so sorry you went through that but so happy you got out.
to all of you women on here sharing your stories, DO NOT STOP. if they can help or encourage even ONE woman (or man) to leave her (his) abuser, it’s a good thing.
thank you ALL for sharing. now I’m going to go cry for a while. 🙁
Kri, your story brings tears to my eyes.
Thank you so much for sharing. I am so, so very happy that you made it out of that situation. I am not a religious person, but thank God you are free.
I’ve been the victim of abuse, but it’s a secret I don’t share with many people (this is anonymous, so it doesn’t really count). My current roommate is unaware, and he went on a rant about how stupid Rice’s wife is for not leaving.
I’m sure there’re many out there who say the same thing.
It’s not that easy to leave. I can’t speak for her or anyone else, but it took me months of therapy to realise it wasn’t my fault, and that whatever I did, my ex would find fault with me for it. He was just an angry man who needed to take it out on someone. I in my naivety thought that I was being a supportive girlfriend who was there for the man she loved through thick and thin, being there for the man i loved when he was at his worst. I thought I was the healthy one doing the right thing. And when things went wrong I blamed myself for not doing enough. My abuser also had a way of manipulating me into thinking I was the only one he could rely on (although by rely, I think he meant the only doormat who let him vent on her unconditionally, which I mistook for love on my part), so I stayed.
Was it stupid and naive? Yes. But don’t just blame the woman. Sometimes there’s victimisation, manipulation and misguided hope involved. I wish Rice’s wife all the best.
moon, wish you all the best. sorry you have an ignorant roommate. sadly, people sometimes don’t know how to empathize with abstract situations. or they have their heads up their a$$es.
I know exactly what you mean about your abuser leading you to believe he is the only one you could rely on. My abuser did the same thing. It’s brainwashing and my abuser had a drug problem but was in recovery halfway through our relationship and part of the reason I stayed was because he manipulated me into thinking that if I left he would be dead from an od within 6 months.
I grew up with a father that smacked me around, said I asked for it. I got married to an older man who liked pummeling me cause “I asked for it”. Needless to say, I could kick the crap out of both of them today. Something prevents me from doing that called morals and conscience and do no harm.
I’m glad TMZ posted the video. I feel like people need to actually see real life abuse play out to actually get it. Abusers just don’t give a f@#&. To see the brutality followed by not caring if she’s alive or dead…as awful as it is, it’s starting discussions, and those discussions are leading to calls to action. If all this helps even one person, celebrity or no, then I’m all for it.
I feel so sorry for this woman because I see so much pain in her eyes. I’ve not watched the video. I hope she finds the strength to leave him. I doubt he’s hit one of his team mates. Why does he think it’s ok to hit his wife?
I don’t think Jaynay is going to leave Ray. I think she’s blaming that rail for knocking her out. She’s probably thinking that Ray didn’t hit her that hard but that it was unfortunate that her head hit the rail. I think she believes any BS from Ray if he says it was steroid rage, workout med’s side effects, stress or whatever. For Ray using his feet on her body as she laid unconscious, she’s probably made an excuse for that too. She’s already made comments making it sound like she believes she’s partly at fault for hyping up his emotions to the point where he got so angry. Her saying the media made it worse is probably her way of saying that if it had been kept silent, things would have slipped back into ‘normal’ and life would have gone on in a way that she thinks wasn’t that bad for her. Unfortunately, her mindset on what is OK is far off kilter.
She’s also mad, because since she was 16 she’s paid her dues, taken the beatings, and in return she got the man and the money and the prestige. Even if he didn’t respect her, everyone else in the neighborhood did. And her whole family got to ride along; it made the pain and the danger worth it. It made the suffering seem noble. And now the good part is over forever and the bad part is just beginning, and she’s not happy. Her family isn’t happy, and really she let the gravy train run her over mainly for them. Was she ever going to earn a million dollars, set mom and dad up in a fancy house, make sure they were taken care of in their old age? Was she going to send her nieces and nephews to college? No. Rice was her career; staying with him and getting beaten was her job. Even if he broke her bones every now and then it still seemed like the best deal going to her and everyone with whom she came in contact. She would stay until he killed her so long as everything else kept flowing.
“I have to be strong for my wife.”
Isn’t that how all this started in the first place?!? 🙁
Between that, the Raven’s (paraphrasing) “Janay Rice deeply regrets her role in these events” and Rice’s initial paltry 2-game suspension the PR around this event/scandal/CRIME has been completely tone-deaf.
I know this is not the place for this, but…. I don’t use Twitter and felt a serious need to vent.
#WhyIStayed: Lack of self-love and self-respect, the sense that it was somehow my fault (I still feel it was) but, most of all, shame. #WhyILeft: I realized people will do to us what we allow them do to us for as log as we allow them; and shame.
Thank you for sharing your story Brasileira. You didn’t have to but your words help keep the conversation going. I’m glad you got away from your abuser. Wishing you continued strength and self-love.
Thank you for sharing your story. I think you are so brave.
Maybe he did not realize that she was truly unconscious and thought that she was faking? That might explain what looked like indifference or callousness? He shoved her away and she struck her head. Could it be that he thought she was trying to manipulate him? Just trying to be fair here. None of us the inner dynamics of their relationship so I am uncomfortable with all this judging.
Nah. I think he knew she was unconscious, especially since her head hit the rail and he carried her (almost) out of the elevator. To me, it looked like he hit her a few times in the elevator rather than shoved her, especially when he sent her head into the rail.
What would she try to manipulate from him in that elevator?
Anybody else notice that when he put her on the ground outside the doors, he let her head hit the ground? Also, his using his feet on her body was a sign of extreme disrespect for her aka both a show of “indifference” and “callousness” towards her.
Seriously? He punched her and she fell face forward into the rail. And didn’t get up.
And even if she had been trying to ‘manipulate’ him–he’s a f-cking football player. He has the power and the muscle to restrain her if he needed to, if she was attacking him.
He showed ZERO concern for her. He didn’t even help her up–a female employee was the one who was comforting her (rubbing her shoulder, kneeling down to her level to talk to her).
FFS.
WTF?! Really truly?? The dynamic of their relationship is that she’s a victim of domestic violence and he’s the perpetrator.
There isn’t shoving. He takes his left fist, extends his left arm across his body, and delivers a very fast punch to her face. There are slow motion videos showing this.
Yes, heaven forbid we get judgy at the guy who beats his wife.
The good thing about this mess is women stepping up and talking about it. Its embarrassing to admit someone you love could treat you so bad. Dragging her out of an elevator? He’s toast.
A clear case of Stockholm syndrome. Somebody needs to remind her of Nicole Brown Simpson.
She looks dead inside–in that first picture. Like she’s dreading whatever’s being said, whatever she has to say, and she doesn’t want to be there. She looks really tired.
After reading all of the #WhyIStayed/#WhyILeft tweets, I’m reminded of something that my mom told me about a year ago. Basically, she left a relationship BEFORE it could get abusive, because she was very self aware, and knew what to look out for (by seeing it first hand growing up). About a year ago, when we were talking about my sperm donor, etc, I had asked her about my oldest sister’s dad. My oldest sister is eight years older than me, and I asked my mom if she was planned–because my mom was a single mom up until I was four years old (so for 12 years). And she said yes.
And basically it boiled down to this: when she got pregnant he completely freaked out on her, saying he wasn’t ready to be a father–and mind you, HE was the one who told her that he wanted to have a baby. Second, my mom was in the Navy (had been for 4 years) and had been planning on getting out, and working in this little boutique that a friend of her fiance’s owned. The friend wanted her to work with him, because she spoke English, and it would be good for business.
But as the relationship went on, after she was pregnant, my mom basically figured out that he was gonna make her do all the cooking and cleaning (on top of working) AND he was using his friend to ‘spy’ on her at work. Literally. The dude would tell him about everyone that she talked to in the shop, etc.
And just imagine if she had stayed with him, married him, and then tried to leave. How hard would that’ve been, especially since she didn’t come from money or anything like that.
I dated an abusive guy. He choked me “once” in my house while I was in bed. I pretended to throw-up, ran to my car, locked the doors and dialed 911. Police came and took him away. He called me from the back of the police van. What balls! I charged him and got a police bond against him so he couldn’t come near me. He ended up abusing someone else(his psychologist/girlfriend) and eventually blew his brains out. I didn’t feel any remorse, saddness, nothing. I’m glad he’s gone. I wasn’t brought up in an abusive home. My parents were very respectful of one another. This kind of behaviour was/is foreign to me. No one should put up with someone hitting them…..esp your husband! It will only create a cycle of violence if your children become exposed to it.
We should start a campaign where women will hold up signs at NFL games in protest of DV. I love football, but don’t want to support the environment it seems to breed too often. Hit them in the money maker, we are half the audience.
Good idea.
do it!
That’s an awesome idea!
Good idea, but also please use caution.
My mom got chased by two men in the stadium parking lot because she was wearing the wrong team’s jersey. Alcohol tends to make people more violent, and I worry that people who disagreed with the sign would want to express their disagreement.
Seriously, instead of just bitching we can celebitch and maybe someone takes notice. If a friend tells a friend, and so on. Wouldn’t it be great?!?
I hope they let me post links but I made a petition asking that the NFL fire Roger Goodell or we go after the NFL’s corporate backers. Many petitions have been made in the past few days but I hope you will help me in going after any corporate backer who continues to support the NFL. Please sign. 🙂
https://www.change.org/p/nfl-fire-roger-goodell-or-we-go-after-the-nfl-s-corporate-backers#share
A video is pretty unbiased… It is what it is. Does he hit her in it or shove her? Doesn’t really matter, but I can’t tell as it happens so fast. Looks as if she lunged at him and he does one or the other. She smacks her head on the elevator railing badly. Does he seem to kick/nudge her to see if she’s going to get up? Wow. It also looks like he doesn’t care if her head becomes the elevator door-stop.
He punches her with his left arm. There are slow motion videos.
He spits on her. She waves him off, he punches her. She pushes him away and lunges at him, and that’s when he punches her hard on the jaw.
Wow, thankyou ladies, I found the slow-mo. There went any benefit of a doubt. Dollars to doughnuts he told the onlookers she’d passed out drunk or something.
I have experienced DV when I was very young and uneducated. Now I’m older and I’ve been working in a prosecutors office for years. Battery and DV is a complicated and very real issue. It’s a threat to so many out there. I have distanced myself from watching football in recent years because I don’t agree with the NFLs consistent support of criminals. And for what reason? The main motivator is always money. Well NFL…there’s more to life than a silly game. It bothers me how intensely people treat this game. I loosely pay attention to it and that’s about it. I asked a simple question once at a Super Bowl party and nearly had my head chewed off by folks that take football WAY to seriously. It’s supposed to be a GAME, as in fun! Anymore I don’t see it as fun At All. It’s not about the game, it’s about making as much money as possible. And if you’ve never seen it, there’s a sex trafficking video out there that points to even more violence against women occurring at football stadiums during games.
I can NOT believe Digiorno would stoop that low!!!
I am so outraged right now.
https://www.nestleusa.com/info/contact-us
Link to contact Digiorno’s parent company about their tweet.
I think what Janay is feeling right now is a massive sense of confusion, mixed with wanting to do the right thing by someone she loves and on top of all of that… she feels naked. There is little wonder why she has anger towards the media, her big secret is on full display. The terrible things about her life are known by everyone. Her pain is known. In her mind, she has dealt with this but now the world sees it and everyone has a personal opinion on something that is painfully personal to her.
I recently had an ovary removed and I know why it was removed but even when hospital staff asked me if there was anything in my past that could have contributed to the situation I said NO. I said “no” point blank. Even having a broken part of me taken out and being fresh out of surgery was not enough to make me tell even health professionals what had happened. I never will.
I know what Janay is feeling right now. She’s going to figure out what’s normal and what’s normal in time… it’ll be a long road. I’d die if I was her and had to do that publicly.
I’m with you, TMZ ripped the scab off her festering wound and served it on a platter to the public, it’s sickening.
Abusive relationships aren’t always as one sided as some of you seem to think they are. There’re plenty of relationships where the abuse is going both ways. I’m not saying that’s the case in this situation and physical abuse is ever justified. However there are plenty of couples who belittle each other and generally treat each other like crap.
I know everybody wishes well for Janay but I don’t think exposing her life to the media, and everybody demanding she leave her husband, is a delightful experience for her. Bullying her into leaving him is hardly the best approach. She’s a person, not a cartoon character, and nobody is giving her much respect or consideration, there is just a lot of criticism and pressure for her to do what society wants for her. I don’t endorse his despicable behavior but I do feel great empathy for his victim and her situation. And a lot of the concern trolling is very lacking in compassion and quite judgy. Leaving your husband, ending a relationship, is no simple feat, lightly done, even with great cause.
Bullying her into leaving will only make her stick by him that much more. It’s part of what they call “battered women’s syndrome.” The best thing to say to to abuse victims is “if and when you are ready to leave, I’ll be here for you and help you get away. You don’t have to be treated like this…” and then you drop it. That doesn’t mean you don’t be his/her friend and keep tabs on this person. They NEED friends as the abuser will isolate the victim. You do your best not to judge either but an occasional reminder that you dislike how the victim is being treated by the abuser is okay (but VERY occasional and you expressing YOUR feelings not a judgy “you need to leave him”). When Janay is ready to leave, we’ll all be there to support her but it has to be her choice in her own time. The media demanding she leaves shows how little they understand what domestic abuse victims go through.
You can’t expect much from the NFL – after all, they allowed Michael Vick back in.
He feels the need to hurt someone, she feels the need to be hurt by someone. Both of these people are getting some kind of psychological payback out of the relationship; that’s how over 90% of domestic violence cases work. It’s a sick dynamic, but a dynamic it is.
Again, the only person in this scenario who gets my sympathy is their kid. He has no choice but to stay.
Yes, it’s the media’s fault for dwelling on this. next she’ll blame the casino for having security cameras in the building and elevator at all. it’s their fault. not her husband’s for hitting her, its our fault for talking about it, the media’s fault for showing it, it’s everyone else’s fault-anyone but the man who hit her
Janay’s father was interviewed and while he didn’t come out and say it he intimated this has been an ongoing problem. They dated in high school meaning this abuse is all she’s really known. She can’t imagine life with out him and yet with him she lives a compromised and possibly deadly life – until it ends.
Ray is a piece… of work. He feels no guilty or shame for his violence.