Amy Poehler is still promoting her Yes Please book like crazy. Her publishers must be thrilled because Amy is working hard for those sales.
When we last covered Amy, she was talking about the feminism discussion in the media. Now she’s talking to NPR’s Terry Gross about motherhood. Amy has two young sons, Archie and Abel, with ex-husband Will Arnett. They co-parent pretty well from what Amy says. In these excerpts, Amy speaks to the pressure of being all things as a mother. Her reasoning is that mothers who work outside the home are supposed to spend their days full of guilt. And that stay-at-home moms are made to feel bad for not heading to the office every day. Amy believes the “unspoken pact” tries to guilt women no matter their choice. Dig it:
The “unspoken pact” of working vs. stay-at-home moms: “There is an unspoken pact that women are supposed to follow. I am supposed to act like I constantly feel guilty about being away from my kids. (I don’t. I love my job.) Mothers who stay at home are supposed to pretend they are bored and wish they were doing more corporate things. (They don’t. They love their job.)”
She did suffer postpartum depression: “I look back now and realize that I was unprepared for what my emotions and body and energy level would, you know, consist of. I had to go to L.A. and start this show, and my baby was only a few months old and it was a very difficult time. It was harder than I think I wanted to admit at the time. I think I tortured myself a bit in that first year about what kind of mother I was and could I do this thing well and also give birth to this new show.
“There’s not enough … working mothers who kind of talk about who they leaned on and how they got through that difficult time. There’s this thing where nobody likes to talk about how difficult things are. Everybody likes to talk about [how] easy it is or can be if you only do X, Y and Z. But it’s difficult to be away from your baby and to be working hard and also want to be working — and it’s difficult to be staying at home after you’ve been a person who maybe wasn’t.”
[From Yes Please & NPR’s Fresh Air]
I love what Amy has to say about the difficulties of adjusting to motherhood. With or without postpartum depression, it’s not an easy transition for many women. A lot of people tend to sugarcoat their experience (ahem, Facebook), so it can be a shock to realize that taking care of a baby is … hard. Then you start to wonder if there’s something wrong with you. Nope. Parenting is difficult work, and it’s rarely a smooth road.
Amy did a Reddit AMA with no standout quotes. She was very funny and interactive with users though. She talks about stuff like being able to destroy boyfriend Nick Kroll with her mind. That’s probably not a huge exaggeration. She also visited Seth Meyers and grilled George R.R. Martin on GOT trivia. Here’s a video clip.
Photos courtesy of Dey Street Books & WENN
Amy is a fresh blast of reality after reading that gushy Olivia Wilde piece.
This. Needed her statement badly after reading that “gift of motherhood” line.
Oh please. Olivias a new mom, leave her alone.
Thank you! Everyone, leave all the moms alone. Why do we always have tear down to make our points?
I love what she says about working moms. I love my job, too. And I’m grateful I have the flexibility to drop my kids off & pick them up every day. But guess what? Even though my schedule is flexible, I don’t volunteer for every opportunity at their schools. It’s good for kids to be separate from their parents. I’m a huge believer in giving your kids the gift of autonomy. I also think there’s an intrinsic danger in this precept that only a child’s parents can possibly do what’s best. It’s what creates helicopter parenting. And I think it’s what lies at the root of “mommy guilt” – the notion that your child is somehow suffering without your constant attention.
Seriously – just stop. If you want to work, work, if you want to stay home, stay home. But don’t feel bad or be apologetic. Your kids will thrive if you are content – whatever that looks like.
This. Times a million. Thank you.
Yes! What she said about that really struck a chord with me, too. I stay home with my kids and have zero interest in a job in the corporate world. Never really have ever had any ambition as far as that is concerned. I think she summed up beautifully what the perceptions are about working moms and stay-at-home moms and how we should basically get over that and just live our lives. If women want to work and have kids that’s cool. If women want to stay home with their kids, that’s cool. We should stop shaming each other and judging each other for making either choice. It’s possible to raise happy or unhappy kids in either situation!!
Yes! Stop the shame! Make the choice that makes YOU happy and F anyone who judges you!
Well said. I don’t have children (and I hear the collective “WE KNOW” but I feel I need to disclose that) but from what I have observed, you are exactly right. I think children sort of pick up the cues from their parents’ attitude – this is fun, this is safe, this is what we do, regardless of whether or not the mother is working at home or at an office. The most well adjusted, happy kids I see have parents who include them in their lives. And the least well adjusted kids are the one who ARE their parents’ lives. So much pressure.
+ whatever number we’re at now.
What sucks is if you HAVE to do one or the other, and the choice isn’t what you would have wanted.
which i think is the situation the vast majority of people are in – you don’t get to pick one or the other, or both. your circumstances (usually financial ones) dictate the “choice.”
Amy forgot about – The ones that have to stay home because they can’t justify the cost of childcare, but really miss their jobs and their freedom. And the ones who have to work because they have bills to pay, but would really rather be at home with their kids. It’s not always a choice.
I actually was just coming back to say this. I understand that it’s not a choice for everyone. I have stayed home, I have worked. I have scrubbed toilets, I’ve been on TV. And (outside of the obvious exceptions such as abusive situations) the key is in the attitude. For example, a friend of mine isn’t working at his dream job and he completely lets it ruin his life. Furthermore, his children are seeing that reflected every day. They aren’t learning to value work. And sometimes that’s what you have to do. You have to think, “Today, I’m going to scrub this toilet, or stay home with these kids, or whatever, because that’s what benefits my family.” Whether that’s financially or emotionally, sometimes work just has to be work.
So, yes. I’m glad and grateful to be able to hold a job that I love currently. But my work hasn’t always been satisfying personally. Sometimes it was just a job. But I still wanted my kids to see that I got up every morning and did the hard work. Because that’s how I believe they’ll grow up to be functioning adults, whatever path may lay ahead for them.
GiGi – i agree. having been in many different situations, you do what you have to do and, hopefully, you have perspective on it.
as an aside, i also have a friend who hates what he does, and really lets that attitude affect his entire life (yet chooses not to do anything to change his situation). and, says that he hopes that at least his kids won’t have soul-crushing jobs. sigh.
Exactly! I was a working mom until 6 months ago and readily admit I believe working made me a better mother. I was happy to help my household income go up, and I have a great village. My kids spent their day with my mother, her best friend who was a retired kindergarten teacher, and my step dad who adored them. They were almost always being loved, adored, and most importantly taught things I could not teach them. I am a stay at home mom now (was getting ready to look for a job after a summer off with them when I started having major medical issues) and even though I love it too, I worry my kids aren’t getting the same level of education without seeing their people as often. We all have gifts, and they are exposed to other people’s gifts less often now.
I can honestly say I am a much better mother for having a life outside my home as well as in my home. Too much emphasis is put on mothers being home 24/7. Get real! That’s not good for anybody.
Years ago, I was watching an episode of Judging Amy, and her mother (Tyne Daily) told someone who questioned her working through her kids’ childhoods, “I thought my kids deserved some time off from me.” That is one of the wisest pieces of advice I’ve ever heard and I have NEVER forgot it. To each their own, but most women need and DESERVE to challenge and stimulate their brains in ways that motherhood cannot. I love being a mother. I love my job. My son is not only happy, healthy and successful in his life, but proud of me. I hope I helped set an example of work ethic, motivation, and discipline (’cause let’s face it, there are times I just don’t want to go to work, but I do it anyway, yet never regret it.)
yes, and sometimes parents end up staying home or even homeschooling without ever having planned that. It just suits the situation at the time and there you go. Yet, other parents and people in general are very quick to stereotype your kid, your parenting style and your family, based on a snapshot of one aspect of your life. Not every stay home or home schooling parenting is a helicopter parent, for example. And sometimes, some of the working parents seem awkward with their kids on the weekends at the park, or don’t know the regulars, or have nanny/child care providers who seem disinterested. Just sayin’, there are so many variables and many types of situations. This thread seems to be devolving into the very duality that Amy P was suggesting we could do without. LOL
Striking eyes and thoughtful!
I follow her Smart Girls project on facebook. She really practices what she preaches, and I hope history remembers her as a a game-changer.
Me too, it’s fantastic. I just saw they have a team on kiva.org too, which is great.
I like that she’s honest about the struggles, i’d imagine the more people were willing to say that the better, rather than the “look at my perfect life” schtick some celebs have going.
Thank you Lucy! So sick of female celebs trying to act like their lives are pure bliss. If you have kids, even if you’re just married with no kids, chances are there are spats happening on a regular basis, you get stressed at times, you don’t have the time and the energy to do everything you want. It’s called life and life isn’t a constant rainbow with unicorns gallopping around.
If she used hard drugs regularly in the past, you can’t tell it from her face. I think she looks great.
I don’t think she did- it sounds like she experimented a bit in her 20s, that was pretty much it.
I love her so much!
And I also love George R.R. Martin’s laugh lol now finish those books, yo!
I like hearing these discussions. I’m only 22 and probably a decade away from kids, but I think it’s important we be honest with each other about the adjustment. That way we can prepare young women and create adequate support systems.
And as always, I adore her. Go Amy!
I wish people were more honest about what having a child is really like. My daughter is one and though I knew babies cried and it wasn’t going to be easy, I was not at all prepared for what was coming. My daughter had colic and would cry constantly. A horrible scream cry as if she were in pain and it didn’t matter what I did, she wouldn’t stop. She would start around the same time every day and go on for hours. It was horrible. Not to mention the insane loss of sleep and your hormones and body going insane on you. People make it seem like it’s magical fluff once your baby is born and it’s just not. I was miserable, depressed and my emotions were all over the place. I would get to the point where I would get so angry and storm off into another room and gripe about how I should have had an abortion, but then I would cry for having such horrible thoughts and tell myself I was the worst mother. Somebody out there needs to write a book telling the truth about having a baby, because it’s not what you expect at all. All that being said, it does get easier and it is worth the struggle. I think the struggle only helps in building that bond with your baby and yourself. I think I was pretty shell shocked after my daughter was born, but I would definitely do it again.
it’s hard as hell. and no one and nothing can prepare you for it.
(hope you’re feeling better. it DOES get easier, as trite as that sound.)
It will get better, Screw! And thanks for sharing. I’d encourage you to share your feelings with some moms-to-be, maybe we can help them feel a little less overwhelmed because they expected some of the things you mentioned.
Thank you for sharing that. As someone who is getting married in a few months and hoping to start a family in the next few years, I really appreciate hearing your experience. I’ve been around newborns and infants enough to know it’s definitely NOT the constant sunshine so many people claim it is.
Thanks guys! It’s much better now. I’ve got her sleep trained and on a schedule. It just really is overwhelming at first. Like Ag said, I really don’t think anyone or anything can prepare you for it. I was 15 when my sister was born, so I thought I knew it all and was prepared really well. My baby showed me lol.
I just wish baby talk was more honest and that someone would tell you: Hey! It’s not all sunshine and rainbows. Not every mother instantly bonds with their child. You’re going to get upset and probably have some crappy thoughts, but it’s normal and you don’t have to feel guilty or ashamed about it.
@screw- it gets better, I promise! I, too, had a horrible first couple of years, tbh.
My husband had a new job with freakishly long hours and I had a baby that wouldn’t nurse and pumped milk exclusively for a year. Let me tell you, that was a nightmare. I didn’t sleep more than 3 hours a night for a year and a half! But as they get older and can do more things for themselves and start sleeping though the night you slowly begin to regain your sanity. There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just remember we all have had those thoughts, you’re just one of the brave ones who will admit it.
She is spot on.
GiGi (upthread) is lucky she can draw that line but It’s not as black and white for me. I’m a working mom, and I have to say that it’s hard not to feel guilty a lot of the time. If I’m immersed in work, I feel I need to be home more; if I’m home, my mind floats to the office. Both sectors of life are constantly demanding your time and attention. Striking that balance lies with you and it’s not an easy balance to strike if you’re the primary caregiver, as most women are. Michelle Obama summed it up by saying she grew up being told career women could “have it all” and she was “duped.” If you let someone else raise your kids, that’s different but she wanted to be an involved Mom. It’s complicated.
i agree with you. i simultaneously love working outside of the home and love what i do, and want to be with my son more than i get to be with him and feel guilty and $hitty for not being with him. those feelings don’t have to be mutually exclusive. and, both aspects of my life demand a lot out of me. there often isn’t enough to go around for one or the other, so i just need to make choices. and, most of the time, i err on the side of my son. this isn’t knocking anyone down or making a comment on anyone else’s choices – that’s simply what i choose. and i couldn’t agree more with the first lady – i was “duped” and naive to think that i could do both equally well and with equal passion and dedication. i can’t. there’s not enough time in the day. 🙂
and, i LOVE amy. how could one not?
My experience is a lot like yours, feeling like I’m frequently not doing well on either front (I really love both jobs!) I appreciate her point about the problem of imposed guilt and judgment though. So true. I’m grateful that women like Amy and Tina Fey exist in Hollywood!
i absolutely agree – her points are, well, on point. 🙂
I agree, too. This was exactly my experience when I worked full time outside of the house and it was a huge struggle for me. Now I’m home and work freelance so I have a ton of flexibility. I know I’m lucky but I still feel guilty when business is slow and I’m not bringing in much $.
I do love Amy, though. She is awesome.
God, I love her. She takes the trite mommy guilt trip narrative and promptly rips it up. I quit my job to stay home but not for the reasons people think. There was no “I can’t stand to be away from my baby!” I hated that job. And when I thought about what I would be happiest doing, it was being away from there. But people are always asking if I quit because I “just knew” I needed to be home with my baby. And yes, I do love being home but if I had had a job I was passionate about, that’s where I’d be, kid or no kid. It’s never as black and white as people think.
This was also my experience. I’ll admit that sometimes I’m a little envious of moms who have careers they love, but I have zero desire to be working for anyone else but my family right now. It’s too exhausting, I can’t imagine adding a full-time job on top of it. Much respect to women who do, though!
I love Amy and I’m so happy that she’s been featured more on here the past couple of weeks. Also, she is, again, so right in everything she says here.
God I just…love her.
She is so bang on, everyone’s choices and decisions are their own! I haven’t had children but all of my friends have and I’ve been there for all these things she mentions. Some work and have experienced that guilt and then the ones who don’t also have it because they feel they should “want more”. I’ve also seen a couple struggle with that idea that they have to be “happy happy everything is perfect” all the time or people will think they’re a bad parent who doesn’t love their kids. People need to talk about all aspects of it, life isn’t perfect and it’s selling this unachievable idea of perfection that has most women (and men) tearing their hair out trying to achieve it and then feeling like failures.
Someone please make her ruler of all things please.
“Someone please make her ruler of all things please.” YES!!!
Yep, I’m behind this! Love Amy so much.
Wow, she’s really refreshing.
Has anyone read her book yet? Is it any good? I’ve been disappointed with the ones from other comedians (specifically Fey, Kaling), so am wondering if it’s worth it to check this one out from the library.
My copy arrived yesterday, haven’t had a chance to crack it open yet. But I really liked Tina and Mindy’s books so I might be the person to advise you once I do read it!
@OhDear, I’m curious. Why didn’t you like Mindy’s book? I enjoyed Tina’s, but was laughing out loud the whole time I read Mindy’s. Just wondering!
I actually don’t recall – it was a while back, besides that I just didn’t find it very funny. I did like it better than Fey’s and Caitilin Moran’s (forgot to include her on that list) books, though.
Go Amy!
I love her. She’s brilliant and pretty honest. That is like seeing a a pegasus with a unicorn horn in Hollywood.
I am so grateful for her and for her success. She is a delight every time she opens her mouth.
It is hard whether you work or you are a stay at home mom. My mom wishes she could have stayed at home for a little while with her two daughters. However she was in the rare position that she made more money than in her husband (an immigrant from France who was just getting the hang of English) and couldn’t afford to stop working. Ended up making her way to the top of the corporate ladder but still wishes after all this time she could have stayed at home for a little while.
Though I do get a little confused with women who spend a lot of money on their education who decide to stay at home as soon as they get pregnant. My friend who is currently pregnant has only been teaching for a few years-she bothered to get her MA in math education. Now she is planning on being a stay at home mom (not sure if it is forever) and live off her husband’s salary (a physical therapist but is that enough for single income family?). I was just thinking if they decided to have more kids (and they probably will, they’re the marry young and have kids right away kind of people) would that be enough to live on? Not trying to judge, I don’t have kids and I’m not married. I was just really surprised when she announced she was stopping work right away.
I think she and Tina Fey are terrific, the way they’ve used their star power and audience to bring this conversation forward in the media. The one thing I would add that isn’t addressed directly here, is that this “unspoken” pact is actually spoken to quite frequently. By mass media–the constant rotation of “you can’t have it all” articles addressed specifically to women over and over–by bosses, by corporate policy, by the persistent wage gap between men and women in America, by the lack of healthy, financially feasible daycare options available to American workers. Patriarchal culture is *institutionalized*, and works hard to make sure women feel guilty and less than capable around their mothering choices, career choices. It is purposefully inflexible, putting women who have children in various degrees of an impossible position, financially and emotionally. It teaches men that parenting is first and foremost a woman’s job, that parenting garners little respect culturally. That their masculinity will be questioned if they embrace the parenting role *too* much. It doesn’t generally offer father’s the flexibility they need if they actually do want to take on parenting responsibilities at the levels that their partners do. This country flaps its jaws a lot about the holy sacredness of family, but our financial system is built to maximize profit to the absolute last molecule of a half penny. I spent a good deal of time in Switzerland and France recently, and was gobsmacked by how both humane and practical these countries are when it comes to acknowledging what families actually need to function in a healthy way. It’s America’s cannibalistic capitalist machine that’s actively making the pact Amy refers to. Just wanted to make sure we’re thinking about where and why the work/family conundrum actually starts.
Brilliant, well-said and true. The system perpetuates the myths and the guilt. Granted, some of what we feel is biological — nature’s way of resetting our priorities around motherhood. But what I appreciate, is that Poehler’s message (and those of others, here) is aimed at releasing us from self-punishing levels of guilt and encouraging a healthier, more realistic mindset.
I am so glad she said this. I have a 9 month old baby and I was never the type who dreamed of being a mother. I love my child dearly but quickly realized I was not going to have her on my hip all the time. Working or at home, my baby is treated like a person, not a little arm decoration who exists to be bounced and coddled at all times. She is exceptionally good as a result, hardly ever fusses and entertains herself so happily. She gets plenty of love and attention but she is not spoiled. She’s so happy and sweet, but even still, I feel guilty sometimes for not being hopelessly attached to her every second. And when I wasn’t working and was just at home with her, I felt guilty for not being a working mother. Guilt in all directions. It’s so unfair.
Hey Bedhead,
I just read the AMA and Amy was talking about her costar Nick Offerman when she said she would destroy him with her mind, not Nick Kroll. I actually don’t think she mentioned him at all! Just letting you know in case you wanted to edit the article.
Yes, I noticed that too! I went back and re-read it because I was so sure she had said Nick Offerman.