Justin Bieber at his roast: ‘There was really no preparing me for this life’

Justin Bieber

Justin Bieber had a big weekend. He turned 21 a few weeks ago but officially celebrated his birthday in Vegas, nightclub style. Earlier that day, Swaggy was roasted for Comedy Central in LA. I think the remarks outside the venue were more interesting than the ones inside the event. Hannibal Burress told the press, “I would not call myself a Belieber. I’m a disbelieber. Martha Stewart said she had “some questions” about Bieber’s Calvin Klein ads. Why did Martha show up? #savetheeggs

The episode will air on March 30. Like many roasts, several jokes slipped out to the media. Most of them weren’t funny. A lot of the jokes were really raunchy and can’t be repeated here. Bieber’s guests took several swings at Selena Gomez, which doesn’t seem fair. Here are a few “highlights”:

Kevin Hart: “Orlando Bloom took a swing at you; you have a perfume called Girlfriend; you threw eggs at a house – not gangsta.”

Shaquille O’Neal: “Justin as a father of six you have to straighten up, son. Last year, you were ranked the fifth most-hated person of all time. Kim Jong-Un didn’t rank that high. And he uses your music to torture people.”

Ludacris: “Justin wants to be black so bad he’s actually seen Kevin Hart’s movies in theaters.”

Snoop Dogg: “Justin’s life changed when Usher heard one of his songs and liked it, which only goes to prove that Usher ain’t black.”

Bieber’s rebuttal: “What do you get when you give a teenager $200 million? A bunch of has-beens calling you a lesbian for two hours … I turned a plane into a bong. I turned a lot of people off the past few years. There was really no preparing me for this life. I was thrown into this at 12 years old, and I didn’t really know what I was getting myself into. There’s been moments I’m really proud of and a lot of moments I look back and I’m pretty disappointed with myself for. But the things that I’ve done really don’t define who I am. I’m a kind-hearted person who loves people and through it all, lost some of my best qualities. For that, I’m sorry. But what I can say is that I’m looking forward to being someone you can look at and be proud of. I’m excited to see what’s next. You have my word — I will not end up broken, pathetic, bitter or sitting on someone else’s roast. I’m at a moment of change. This is a new day. … I’m going to Vegas … on my jet, bitch!”

[From Cosmo]

More jokes can be found at the Cosmo link. This is all part of Swaggy’s redemption tour. He’s trying to prove he’s a man, and this coming-of-age tale involves being the butt of tasteless jokes. Bieber became famous at a young age, but that doesn’t excuse his “breaking the law” attitude. He keeps apologizing though. Only time will tell whether he’s serious.

I’m including photos of some attendees. Scooter Braun, Chrissy Teigen, and Carly Rae Jepsen’s new red hair showed up. The beleaguered Seth Rogen did not accept his invite. Bieber really spiffed himself up for this roast. He got some caramelized highlights to accessorize his dirt lip. Swag.

Justin Bieber

Martha Stewart

Snoop Dogg

Carly Rae Jepsen

Photos courtesy of Fame/Flynet & WENN

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38 Responses to “Justin Bieber at his roast: ‘There was really no preparing me for this life’”

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  1. QQ says:

    All I got is that Swaggy here understood where his money is at and that America Got a sexy, sober Jonas we could use still and about 2 blonds and a Brunette Austin Mahonne Types filling his spot in a pinch and realized he didnt wanna be black anymore that’s all

    also Martha’s Coat is EVERYTHING

    • Erinn says:

      Martha actually looks pretty amazing- I thought that when I was reading the quotes this morning. I just really want to shave Justin’s dirt stash so bad.

  2. swedish chef says:

    He looks…. gross.

    • TrixC says:

      Right. He has one of those faces that was cute as a young teen, sort of androgynous looking, then he grows up and he’s not good looking at ALL. He really just needs to go away, enjoy his money and find something else to do with his life, because his entertainment career is surely over.

  3. aims says:

    There is a little thing called common sense. We all have it, but a few use it.

  4. AntiSocialButterfly says:

    Gawd, he is such a d-bag. The epitome of one, actually.

    Also, not really a Snoop fan, but he looks great!!!!!!

  5. Shahrizai says:

    I don’t care about Bieber. I’m way more into what Snoop is wearing… is it weird that I think he looks great? 🙂

  6. Pri says:

    I think the Will Ferrell “Bruce Jenner Hermaphrodite” and other Jenner jokes poking fun at his gender-change were in bad taste!

  7. lizzie says:

    what is that haircut? i don’t get it.

  8. iheartjacksparrow says:

    Justin is a punk. The problem as I see it, no one among his hangers-on want to tell him what a punk he is because that person would be thrown from the gravy train. So he’ll continue to throw eggs at houses, pee in buckets of cleaning water, and spitting on fans from balconies until someone can wake him up to what a jerk he is being, or someone beats the crap out of him.

    • mytbean says:

      Oh I’m sure people are telling him all the time. He’s just one of those people that believes only the compliments and considers the bashing as a sign of envy or hate. I have no idea how people like this learn anything. Right now, as we all know, he’s just pacifying us. He thinks that we’re idiots. But it’s all transparent.

      His retort to his burn said it all – “I was young, I didn’t know. I did dumb things then but I’m new and improved” And in the exact same breath – The people who criticize are washed up and I’m not going to listen to this because I know I’m doing fine because … private jet, bitches!

  9. msw says:

    OMG, the dirt lip is hysterical.

  10. original kay says:

    Give a 12 year old money, and surround him with “yes” people, and you get what you paid for.

    fast forward 10 or so years and it’s refreshing to see him taking ownership of his past. Let’s hope it sticks, but for now no shade from me for this “redemption” tour.

    Isn’t this what we ask for? ownership, sincere apologies? he’s giving it. if it’s not sincere time will tell.

  11. Sea Dragon says:

    Looks like ole’ glassy-eyes is back for another round of whiney BS.

  12. Judyk says:

    No comment on the little wannabe, but Martha looks FABULOUS!!!!!!!!!

    • Franca says:

      One of the jokes was – All you rappers are here amd Martha Stewart did the most jail time.

  13. Vampi says:

    Not sure who told the joke…and I am NO K-Clan fan, but the joke about (paraphrasing here) if Kendall and Justin got married the only man in the family who could give her away would be Klohe. That was over the line IMO….the roast wasn’t about her. Ugh.
    And Justin is still a little douchenozzle.

  14. Dani says:

    The only reason I’ll watch it is because Martha Stewart was there (that’s so random???). The jokes about Selena were in poor taste.

  15. Christin says:

    I don’t quite understand how a raunchy roast event is supposed to help redeem his image. To show he can take a barrage of mostly bad jokes?

    Each time he gets in too much hot water, he cries for redemption and claims he’s really a good boy. Nothing new here, it seems.

    • Senaber says:

      I think a roast was a decent idea for a PR move. It gets all the jokes out there. Once it has been told, a joke gets less funny and people can just move on. I just think it didn’t come off well because he is so desperate for “redemption.” I’m disappointed my man Will Ferrell was there. Ugh!

    • Cindy says:

      I think the idea he has is if he’s IN on the joke, he will no longer BE the joke. If that makes sense.

  16. friday says:

    I respect Seth Rogen for ignoring his invitation.
    It legitimizes this idiot to have him throw himself a roast and pretend he’s in on all the jokes about him. They generally roast flawed (and other funny) people, whom they like. Let him act like a decent human being for a couple of years before inviting him into the club.

  17. Catelina says:

    he really needs to cut his hair. And also this whole roast thing was just a publicity stunt and anyone who agreed to be part of it has lost a tiny bit of respect from me.

  18. AtlLady says:

    Well, at least his britches were pulled up. Now if only he would stop wrinkling his forehead. Does he have vision problems?

  19. CoolWhipLite says:

    I just don’t understand why he was chosen to be roasted. Did he pay Comedy Central to make it happen?

    Also, is it really all that bad that I wish the roast really involved a big fire and Bieber on a spit?

  20. BlackJack Kitty says:

    He just creeps me out! I don’t know why. Peach fuzz face, his brown eyebrows look weird with his hair, and that haircut? Maybe it’s because he’s just a little punk. Creeps me out.

  21. gilmore says:

    Lol I loved that Hannibal admitted to just being there to up his profile and that he hopes swaggy’s attempt at a redemption tour fails. More Hannibal, less bieber.

  22. sneakyninja says:


    I’m by no means a Justin Bieber fan. But I’m not gonna lie. I sorta sympathize.

    Here’s the thing. When we were between the ages of 12-21, how many of us can safely say that we did not act like shitheads? In fact, I know personally I’ve def. done things I’m not proud of…but isn’t that really part of growing up?
    Now, before people get mad — I totally get it. He did some seriously douchey and downright disgusting crap. I’m not denying that.
    The difference here is that the kid was pimped out at an early age, had been surrounded by enablers and yes-men, given a buttload of money, had all sorts of VIP and special access to literally anything he wanted, and his entire life and persona are all on blast? Can anybody seriously say that if they had ALL of that, they wouldn’t somehow act like a complete douchebag spoiled brat when they were that age and not come out with SERIOUS issues?

    Why shouldn’t he get the chance to maybe work hard, get serious, grow up and maybe be successful again? Doesn’t everybody get that shot?

    Idk, again. Not a fan. But hey – aren’t we all human beings? At least he’s somewhat repentant for his actions (on the surface) and only time can tell if his good intentions are real. But in the meantime, I gotta say…this kid has serious issues. Thank god he can afford the therapy.

  23. TOPgirl says:

    Justin is not aging well. Poor kid…he looks like a druggy and a douche. All the self dignity has left his face.

  24. moi says:

    I just “feel” that he is still a kid. An adult…kid lol We shall see how he fairs.