Jim Carrey’s ex-girlfriend Cathriona White committed suicide on Monday

In 2012, Jim Carrey began dating a young Irish woman named Cathriona White. They ended up splitting in late 2013, only to get back together at some point. They continued the on-and-off thing, especially this year. I thought we covered the coupling at some point, but I can’t find anything in our archives, so I guess we skipped it. Anyway, Carrey and White were on another “back on” cycle over the summer, but they broke up again several days ago. And then on Monday of this week, Cathriona took her own life.

Cathriona White, Jim Carrey’s on-and-off girlfriend, has died in an apparent suicide, PEOPLE confirms. The Irish native, 30, was “pronounced dead at 8:40 p.m. last [Monday] night at a residence,” Los Angeles Assistant Chief Coroner Ed Winter tells PEOPLE. Although White’s final cause of death cannot be determined until the autopsy is conducted, Winter said there were indications at the scene of a suicide.

“It was reported as a possible suicide. There evidently was a note found. There were pills located near her,” said the spokesman, who added that the “final cause of death won’t be released until we get full toxicology and tests back.”

According to the Irish Independent, White – a native of the Tipperary region of Ireland – and Carrey, 58, first met on a film set in 2012. They reportedly dated for most of 2013 before reuniting earlier this year. In May, the pair were spotted walking hand in hand in New York City. However, TMZ reports the pair recently split again.

White seemingly issued her final Tweet last Thursday, which read in part: “Signing off Twitter, I hope I have been a light to my nearest and dearest.”

[From People]

TMZ says that her suicide note was addressed to Carrey and within the note, there was a reference to their most recent split on September 24th. As for the indications of suicide, TMZ says that law enforcement believes she overdosed on pills.

Jim Carrey released a statement a few hours after the news broke on Tuesday. He said:

“I am shocked and deeply saddened by the passing of my sweet Cathriona. She was a truly kind and delicate Irish flower, too sensitive for this soil, to whom loving and being loved was all that sparkled. My heart goes out to her family and friends and to everyone who loved and cared about her. We have all been hit with a lightning bolt.”

[Via TMZ]

This is incredibly sad and I can’t even imagine what Cathriona’s friends and family are going through right now. If you or a friend needs help, the number for the American National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is 1-800-273-8255.


Photos courtesy of Instagram, Fame/Flynet and WENN.

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221 Responses to “Jim Carrey’s ex-girlfriend Cathriona White committed suicide on Monday”

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  1. Betti says:

    So so sad – sympathies to her family. RIP Cathriona.

    I read somewhere else that she had a history of depression – not sure if its true.

    • BRE says:

      And doesn’t Jim have a history of depression? If so that was not a good coupling to begin with. So very sad!

      • hadlyB says:

        Yes but honestly with his track record on how he treats women, his own crazy talk from time to time I think he has much more than depression.

        I wonder how many women he drove crazy or to the brink that we don’t know about because they happened to be stronger than Cathriona? Not everyone is strong to take what people dish out to them and it can wear you down.

        I know from experience a person in your life that you love can truly wear you down and make you doubt your self worth. And its tough to pull yourself back.

      • sarah says:

        @HADLYB Whoa, I’m really uncomfortable with you insinuating he caused her to commit suicide?! I understand he has a public persona as being crazy/out there but it’s a little disrespectful to jump to conclusions and imply he drove her nuts with his depression and mental health problems that she had to kill herself. MANY couples deal with 1 or both partners having mental/depressive issues to work through, that doesn’t make them a “bad match”, you don’t know them. Sorry, not trying to be rude

      • aussie says:

        Depression is a illness, It is NOT about being strong enough.

      • Nancy says:

        hadlyB: That doesn’t seem quite fair to me. It sounds like your insinuating Jim drove her to suicide which is mean. Anyone who has lost someone to suicide wishes they could have said or done something to prevent the tragedy. I know this from my personal experience having lost my nephew this past May. Her parents and friends probably feel the same guilt that he may feel. Some people don’t let others know the pain they’re in, such as Robin Williams. I just hope and pray that anyone that feels life is to unbearable to go on will read about her, and seek help. Blaming others is not the answer.

      • minx says:

        So, he was supposed to stay with her to prevent her from killing herself, or something?
        He “drove women crazy” or “to the brink?” That’s just not fair.

      • EM says:

        He is not the full quid. Comes across as very unstable at times. I feel terrible for her family.
        Some relationships have horrible outcomes, like a collision course.

      • hadlyB says:

        Oh no, I am not saying he caused her suicide. But if she suffered from depression, he did and any other mental illness that HOW he treated her may have pushed her deeper or caused her other anxiety.

        Being with a toxic person may not cause depression but it sure can make it worse and it definitely doesn’t make it better.

        I have seen people from years of mental abuse change from who they were to totally different people — so yes I can firmly say people in your life can have an impact on you; your personality, illnesses, life in general. I have seen it happen.

        I am full aware of depression and how it works believe me. I wish I didn’t.

        Suicide, depression, and mental/physical abuse is no stranger to me or my family. Unfortunately.

      • LisaPi says:


        Your messages are so inappropriate. There is absolutely no reason to assume that Jim Carrey caused this woman to kill herself. She was sick and her sickness overcame her.

      • Guest1 says:

        Hadlyb…. your statement is ignorant and I strongly advise you to get educated on depression. If you would, then most likely you would refrain from blaming anyone when someone succumbs to their depression.

        Eta: bull on you being familiar with depression and mental illness. You would know first hand that it has biological roots and, yes, it can be exasperated with outside influences but ultimately it is an illness. Stop implying Jim Carey in some way caused her suicide. You speak of their relationship as if you were under the covers with them. You’re an outsider who doesn’t know her medical and mental history. If you want to honor her then wish her a safe journey and hope she’s at peace now.

      • JenniferJustice says:

        He may not have known what he was getting into until after he had feelings for her and then didnt’ know what to do. Maybe the reason they kept getting back together is because he worried about her and didn’t want her to hurt. And nobody knows that he is a toxic person. That’s a harsh judgement to conclude based on him simply having relationships that did not work out and who was his last long-time relationship? Jenny McCarthy who is doesn’t seem altogether stable or rational herself. If anything, a conclusion might be drawn that Jim is a “rescuer” and I’ve know people like that. They think they can help a person, but they can’t. It’s still not fair to imply he pushed this lady to the brink because she was fragile and he was harsh. Nobody knows what he was like with her. It’s is very possible that his being with her prolonged her life – not shortened it.

      • Tammy says:

        @hadlyb: You can’t assume anything about their relationship based on your own experience. Jim Carrey is not responsible for Cathriona’s suicide.

      • justagirl says:

        @HadlyB I understand what you’re trying to say. I also see why others were quick to address any perception of blame.

        But it’s clear from even your 1st comment that you know what it’s like to doubt your self worth & to try to pull yourself back….so other commenters could have been a bit less harsh towards you. Attacking you was unnecessary.

        You had a good general point that a toxic relationship – whether romantic, work, friendship, or family – can wear us down, cause us to doubt ourselves, and turn people into a shadow of their former selves. One’s family background, mental health, and coping skills all contribute to how they respond to that situation.

        @ Guest1 Depression does not always have biological roots. “Reactive depression” can occur in response to a stressful event or a long-standing situation…and is no less serious than depression with a biological basis.

        This is a sad situation, whatever caused it. No point in attacking commenters who are only trying to share their experience that might benefit others.

      • FLORC says:

        I’m not going to jump on you. It’s your opinion and seems imo a bit misdirected. Trying seeing into what you are saying rather than attacking it outright within any other line of thought. That makes for a shallow 1 dimensional conversation.

        He may have not been a great partner and that may have triggered or guided her depression to a more extreme level. That point is tough to argue against becaue we can’t know the details to counter it. It should not be so quickly swept aside.


      • FLORC says:

        Try taking your own advice.

      • bluhare says:

        From what I understand Carrey has been dxed as bipolar. I do not know; but I have seen that. I worry for his mental health as a result of this too. The guilt over something like this . . . I can’t even imagine.

      • mytbean says:

        Hadlyb, I understand what you’re saying and sympathize. Being the partner to an angry depressive can – by way of mirror neurons – damage an otherwise healthy person’s mental state. And if both people have depression, with one expressing it with withdrawl while the other attacks, I’m sure it’s harder.

        Either way jumping in to save a flailing swimmer can cause two people to drown. And if neither is swimming well….

        I think people here though are saying, basically, we need to pause and mourn and sympathise… Because no one can *really* know everything about their relationship or biochemistry or mental states… It’s more civil to be kind to those who are presented as the mourners in this sad situation. Suicide leaves everything raw.

      • Boo says:

        HadlyB, I appreciate your comment and agree with you.

        This was a triggering and sad way to start the comments, by attacking someone who is speaking truth.

        If it were not possible for a human being to adversely impact the mental health of another, then why do anti-bullying efforts exist today? Why do women’s shelters exist today? How about adult children of alcoholics programs and supports? Why are there behaviour standards and rules for patients and residents in hospitals and long term care homes? Why are there rules in every mental health therapy group about treating each other with respect and kindness?

        Because people can and do hurt each other emotionally and mentally, intentionally or not.

        HadlyB, you’re not wrong at all.

        Nowhere was it stated that Jim Carrey was being blamed for this suicide. That was a leap everyone else took.

    • Nancy says:

      @hadleyb: I get the sense you are talking about your own personal life experience and this has nothing to do with the involved parties. Probably best to wash your face, have a cup of coffee and stay away from this thread today. Sometimes when we try to explain ourselves we just get in deeper. Depression is a cruel disease and afflicts many people. Chill and make it a good day. Heck, it’s not even lunch yet!

      • Sea Dragon says:

        I agree with Nancy. You sound like you speculated based on your own experiences. The nature of the subject makes tensions run high. You clarified that you meant no harm and that’s that. Enjoy the rest of your day!

      • belle de jour says:

        Just wanted you to know that your restraint and gently tuned ear here made my own day better, too. Thanks.

      • Nancy says:

        @belle de jour: Thanks sweetie. It’s a very reflective day today, isn’t it. Raining outside where I am, at home today. Sometimes just a hint of understanding or non-judgment makes it a bit easier to cope. Love your name, my sister lives on Belle Avenue and I collect bells and there you go. Happy hump day!

      • belle de jour says:

        @Nancy: It is indeed. And sometimes the story is whispered loudest between the lines.

        Well, my mutt self is half a bona-fide Southern Belle, the name ‘Belle’ runs in the family, I’ve rung the bell on an SF cable car, and my Auntie, like you, collects bells.

        Obviously, we were destined to sound off to each other on a comment board about celebrities.

    • Tess says:

      I have struggled with depression since I was ten years old. My illness is something I will have to deal with for the rest of my life, the doctors tell me. Luckily anti-depressants have kept me alive and I function well now, I’m able to work and have a family. Still I have episodes where the depression comes back and those are very difficult times. I completely understand why someone would say I can’t take this pain anymore and end it. Depression is so emotionally and psychologically excruciating that taking your own life can seem like the only way out.

      That said, IF it is true that Cathriona left a suicide note specifically adressed to her ex boyfriend mentioning their recent breakup I think that is so cruel of her and could cause immense emotional harm to the recipient of the letter. I sincerely hope TMZ has it wrong.

      • Nancy says:

        You’re a strong woman and brave to share your story. We all have one. Keep fighting for yourself and your kids. Kudos to you. On the other side of this, TMZ can be so heartless just trying to get the headline. Any recipient of a suicide note should be hands off. Jim Carrey has had a difficult life and doesn’t need to be labeled as someone who drove a young woman to suicide. Once again, mental illness needs to be addressed in this country, not just when mass killings or events such as this occur. Bless you Tess, you’re special, I can feel it through your words.

      • Pamela says:

        TMZ *IS* heartless and just looking for a headline. First off, I’m not sure that anyone would have released that info. Also— even IF she left Jim a note, and even IF it referenced their recent break up—it could have said “This wasn’t about our recent break up”. Instead we get a gossipy story that implies she killed herself and blamed him.

        So gross.


      • SillySimone says:

        Tess: I feel like we are kin, because this monster has roped us in. But, and I say this with all respect, she was not in her right state of mind when she wrote/left that note. TMZ should be ashamed for making it public. I pity her and I pity him. But the note is a product of her illness and she cannot be blamed for it after she died of it.

      • Mispronounced Name Dropper says:

        Good on you, Tess. I can totally relate. Depression is excruciating and exhausting. I have days on end when my head is at me with death and despair from the time I wake up until the time I go to bed. Yet, I’m expected to function at the same level as people who don’t have depression otherwise I’m accused of being lazy or of having a bad attitude.

    • Katherine says:

      I understood what you were saying hadlyb, just breathe and take a step back for a bit. Your comment was obviously misinterpreted, a bunch of people leapt to conclusions. It’s never okay to gang up on someone, that doesn’t help anyone. Attacking you was completely unnecessary. I also think it was harsh to imply that you were lying about your own experience with depression, totally unfair. We should all be trying to help each other, not tear down someone’s opinion or experience because it’s different from ours.

  2. Veronica says:

    She was striking beautiful and seemed so kind and intelligent. My heart aches for those she left behind.

  3. Lindy79 says:

    So, so sad

  4. L says:

    suicide is always tragic. Depression is the curse of the Irish, and I say this from personal experience.

    • Patricia says:

      Yes I can second that, also from personal and family experience.
      The sweetest people, and the saddest people. The Irish.

  5. sad says:

    *Rolling on the floor and crying my heart out* Rest in peace gurl. Tearful goodbye, my queen. May Jim find peace and love soon

  6. Princess Consuela Banana Hammock (paola) says:

    pretty and young impressionable girl dates rich and famous Hollywood man.. then her world falls apart.
    Very sad and extremely tragic.

    • Kami says:

      While it goes without saying that its not his fault, I really hope he didnt treat her callously in that breakup. Its true that your mind has to already be in a bad place but it does take one final shove to push you over the edge. I hope he wasnt the “shover”.

      • Kitten says:

        “While it goes without saying that its not his fault”

        Does it really go without saying though? I actually think it needs to be said often enough so the people here who are insinuating that Jim somehow caused her to take her life understand that it doesn’t really work like that.

        It’s really crass and unfair to take a tragedy that was the result of an illness as an opportunity to assign blame. Gross.

      • Jayna says:

        @Kitten, I so agree.

      • Lara says:

        @kitten I also strongly agree. My cousin committed suicide after a bad break up and the woman actually left the city I grew up in because of the blame she got. I felt so awful for her and nearly fell out with my family because I said there was only one person to blame for that death and it wasn’t her.

      • FLORC says:

        Fault and Factors are not the same. A bad break up can change so much in a person without them realizing. No appetite. Becoming catatonic. Chemical imbalance as a cause for depression. And that could come about from how the person treated you or simply their presence is no longer there and your body goes through a type of detox.

        Still, no one here can know what happened. So, no one here can say without any doubt he was or wasn’t involved.
        I’m on no side of this. A young girl’s life was taken out of sadness.

    • JenniferJustice says:

      She wasn’t that young, so also not that impressionable. She may have been star-struck, but that doesn’t mean he took advantage of her. Only a third through this thread and already frustrated with the insinuations that Jim is some monster who ruins women and makes them kill themselves. She has a long history of mental illness and he only dated her in 2013 to present and that was on and off. I dont’ beleive anybody drives another to suicide. If she were that fragile, she could have went off the deep end with anybody.

      • tracking says:

        I agree. Unless there is hard evidence he was cruel to her, I withhold judgment. He’s been open with his own struggles with mental illness. Since he is older, he might have been wise enough to realize this was not a healthy pairing.

  7. tifzlan says:

    This is so incredibly tragic and traumatic. RIP to Cathriona.

  8. Chelly says:

    I’ve never experienced the loss of a love by suicide and then just like that, there were 4. I’ll never understand the need to end it…the hurt doesnt stop, it just transfers to those of us they leave behind

    • BengalCat2000 says:

      When you’re in that dark place, there is no rationale. RIP.

    • Kami says:

      I have lost someone to suicide and been suicidal myself. When you are in that darkness its hard to believe that anybody would be particularly heartbroken in any meaningful way by your departure. It always felt like any hurt would be a result of misplaced guilt than a sense of real loss and that it was patently unfair to expect me to keep trudging on in that state just so they dont feel guilty. In the end the motivation to survive just has to come from within.

      • Square Bologna says:

        Very true, Kami. Hope you are well now.

      • Tash says:

        So brave of you to open up like this. Sending lots of love your way Kami.

      • Christin says:

        Thank you for sharing this, and my best to you.

      • Kitten says:

        Kami-The way you explained that brought tears to my eyes.

        Y’all are so brave to put your feelings into words. That is not easy to do with something as personal and so completely soul-crushing as depression. I do think that it helps others to understand so I thank you for your courage.

      • Shambles says:

        Kami, tearing up for you, Cathriona, and every other beautiful light that feels trapped in the darkness. Sending love your way from the very core of my soul.

      • Guest1 says:

        Well said, Kami. Spoken like someone who unfortunately has been “there”. I wish you the best in your healing.

      • laura in LA says:

        So true, BengalCat2000 and Kami, I’ve been in that darkness myself. And it’s something that still haunts me, but the presence of my dogs and ongoing support from family has kept me going.

        It still hits me, though, when I hear of a suicide like this because I understand how she might have felt. May she now rest in peace and with love.

      • Anna says:

        Wow, you really put words to this…truth…

    • Ninks says:

      I think many people who commit suicide do it because they feel worthless and believe that they are a burden on the people they love and that by taking their own lives, they are setting those people free. A colleague of mine committed suicide a few years ago, and I fully believe she was doing it because she felt she was a burden to her son and that he’d be better off without her. It’s an absolutely devastating way to lose somebody you love. Having lost loved ones through illness, old age, accidents, I firmly believe that suicide is the hardest to deal with. My heart goes out to all Cathriona’s loved ones.

      • Anna says:

        I also think people commit suicide because they feel so uncared for by their so-called family and friends that they feel worthless and that it genuinely would not make a huge difference to those around them if they were gone. When people who supposedly love or care about a person consistently don’t show care, it can be excuciatingly painful emotions-wise and lead to feelings of hopelessness i.e. if those closest to them can’t be bothered, then what is the point.

    • Crumpet says:

      Chelly, beautifully said. Thank you.

    • Erinn says:

      It’s hard to understand. But when you’re in that kind of place, you really do think you’re doing everyone a favor and that it’s better for them to have things go that way. The burden you perceive yourself as would be lifted from them. It’s not rational thinking, but it’s not done to hurt your loved ones.

      • JenniferJustice says:

        Found this part of the thread particularly enlightening. Thank you all for so eloquently stating what it’s like to be in that place because for those of who have not experienced it or dealt with a loved one experiencing that darkness, we have no idea. I actually wondered if suicide from depression was a way to punish someone that hurt you and purposely make them feel guilty. I’m glad to have been set straight and know now that it’s quite the opposite. Staying alive just so your loved ones don’t feel guilty is something I’d never thought of before. Thank you.

      • Eve says:

        @ Erinn:

        You nailed it.

    • Ktae87 says:

      My mother attempted suicide when I was 16, thank god she survived. I understand the the reasons why she did it. But I feel so deeply sad for this young woman’s family. The hurt never ever goes away. I have the little box in the back of mind that the doubt always lives in. Why weren’t we good enough for her to fight to live for us. Thank God, she is healthy now, but it really has taken me a long time to overcome. For this young woman’s family I really hope they can find some peace in the future. Its a long road, but the peace does come.

  9. Rosalee says:

    Sad, such a beautiful young woman – so much sympathy for the family. Suicide is devastating for the people who loved and cared for her, she must have been in deep emotion pain to want to end her life. My heart has been in my throat for the past two years supporting and loving my granddaughter who suffers from depression, three suicide attempts all serious all planned but failed because of timing – she is in therapy and taking meds to create emotional balance. All we can do is support, encourage make life as normal as possible filled with laughter and joy and let her know she is deeply loved. F**k depression.

    • JustCrimmles says:

      Love and light to you and your granddaughter. From someone who has been where she is, it can get better. It’s hard as hell, to change the way we think and what we believe is true. It’s hard to remember that everything in life is temporary, including life itself. Knowing someone cares is monumental, when in those lows, we don’t seem to even care for ourselves, so how can we believe anyone else does? Show her she is a worthy person, she is loved, and she deserves to be here just like everyone else. Just keep swimming. And take care of yourself, too! Hugs all around, hoping nothing but the best for you.

      • Rosalee says:

        Thank you very much for your lovely words. I adore my grandchild, she is the loveliest young woman, beautiful, bright, witty.. and very tall. She reminds me of a line in a Steve Curtis poem, “She walks in grace and beauty” – I wish my darling girl could see herself through my eyes, I wish she could see herself through my heart. I keep repeating the line from the Bruce Cockburn song, “kick at the darkness until it bleeds daylight” when she slides into darkness and hold her hand and talk about nothing and everything. One day I hope she is you..

  10. JudyK says:

    What a beautiful girl she was. How very, very sad.

  11. Zapp Brannigan says:

    Condolences to everyone that knew and loved this young woman.

    For Irish readers who may be suffering from depression Aware.ie has very good resources for those who need help. At my lowest point I found them very helpful.

  12. tracking says:

    Beautiful young woman with everything to live for. What a tragedy.

  13. Sixer says:

    Thanks for putting the helpline number in the article, Kaiser. Vital when reporting suicide stories.

    Here is the UK number for the Samaritans: 08457 90 90 90.

    Best wishes to all those mourning Cathriona White.

  14. Illyra says:

    It’s very sad that she was hurting so much, but I hope she didn’t blame him for her decision in the note. That would have been unbelievably cruel.

    Thoughts are with the family and her loved ones. I hope Carrey is getting support right now too, he’s got a history of depression and I’m sure he needs it.

  15. Eve says:

    I’ve already tried three times. And I only count the times I woke up in the hospital (twice in the ICU, once in the infirmary — first time in 2005; second on my birthday in 2013; third in 2014).

    Depression is a relentless, vicious bitch.

    I live one day at a time and don’t make long term plans.

    If I ever die from suicide, it should be rulled as death by natural causes (in my case). I’ve been taking my medication, I’ve been winning some battles. But I know, I can feel the depression is winning the war.

    I don’t expect anyone’s sympathy. It is what it is.

    • Crumpet says:

      Oh Eve. I pray the relentless bitch will die and you will be released. She has come for me as well, and so far I have resisted her lies. So far.

      • Eve says:

        @ Crumpets:

        I wouldn’t say my depression lies to me, but it certanly manipulates the truth.

        If I’m feeling quite content or in a better mood, even for a little while, if I succeed at something or am complimented on anything. It comes right at me, holding the long list of my failures. And that never fails to bring me down.

    • Nicolette says:

      Have you gone for any help? Medication doesn’t seem to be helping you. Please do so. Life is a precious gift and I know when you are deep into that dark place and can’t see the way out, it seems hopeless. It’s not. Genuinely sending you good wishes and hope you can find your way to happiness.

    • Sixer says:

      I love you, my Evelet. Get it that it’s nowhere near enough. But I do, anyway.

      • Eve says:

        I know, my beloved Sixlet. BTW, Chelsea lost at the Champions League and, needless to say, I very much enjoyed that.

    • Lindy79 says:

      Eve, you are awesome and I truly hope whatever happens, that you know that x

    • aussie says:

      Eve I know what you mean.

      its a lonely illness to have.

    • GoodNamesAllTaken says:

      Eve, you are such a shining light. Please hang on. I thought I would never get better, then after years tried Abilify to augment my anti-depressant and am doing well on it. There are new things coming out all the time. I know how it feels when you just want the pain to stop and you just want to rest. You can’t do it for one more minute, let alone another hour or day. I wish I could make it stop or help in some way, and I know I’m not. But I care about you and so do many others here and in your real life. It’s selfish to ask you to keep fighting but I’m asking anyway. Please.

    • Tash says:

      Damn. I wish I have a magic wand to dust some fairy dust over you and take all your pains away. Sending you to lots of love and hugs.
      I always look for you witty comments…they always make me chuckle and shake my head in disbelief.

    • mimi says:

      Oh my god I am so sorry Eve. I hope that there is something that can give you the strength to continue every single day.

      I feel the same way as you. I would have probably perished before my time – I have only once attempted it when I was young – but I feel so guilty for everyone left behind. Someone upthread commented that the pain transfers to the loved ones. I CANNOT imagine the people I love suffering in the way I do, so I will stick it out as long as possible. But I can feel it nagging.. I feel that I am perishing every day a little more ..

      • Eve says:

        @ Mimi:

        “But I can feel it nagging.. I feel that I am perishing every day a little more ..”

        Same here. My depression doesn’t like being ignored. If I try to downplay it, or forget it for a while, it comes back much stronger than before.

    • Naddie says:

      God bless you Eve, I know what you mean.

    • Boston Green Eyes says:

      Spiritual hugs to you, Eve, and to the others who shared.

      I’ve suffered from depression all my life. I tried to kill myself when I was 13 and I’ve been in and out of therapy ever since. I tried self-medicating with alcohol, but when I nearly died from that, I got help and got sober. After 1 year of sobriety, I just couldn’t do it on my own anymore and fortunately got help through therapy and medication. The only other time I wanted to kill myself was when I had to go off of Paxil cold turkey because I didn’t have insurance. Once I got insurance again I went on Celexa and having been taking it since. Medication has truly been a life saver for me.

      Other things that have helped me: exercise (still an addict: love the endorphins), meditation, my AA meetings and again more therapy. I realize that some depressions are really hard to treat and for those of you with such a burden to carry, I send you healing thoughts.

      • mimi says:

        Boston Green Eyes, thank you for sharing, I hope you continue to survive.
        I self-medicate with alcohol at the moment. It seems the easiest option to me. I am scared of my personality changing if I go on medication. I am also so scared of what might happen if I want to go of a prescription. What made you strong enough to look for help that way?

      • Boston Green Eyes says:

        I had to stop drinking because I was constantly blacking out, I had the shakes, I just *couldn’t stop*. I woke up every day forgetting what I had done the evening before and I felt soooo sick. I just couldn’t take it anymore so I called a friend who I knew didn’t drink and had a problem with it in his past. He told me to call AA and go to a meeting. That really changed my life.

        But even though I felt much better from not drinking, my depression was spiraling out of control. So I went to a psychologist and he recommended an anti-depressant. By that time, I was in so much pain that if he had said I would feel better if I jumped off a cliff, I would have done it. For me, the medication was almost miraculous – I felt better within a week. Unfortunately, I had to go on higher and higher doses and then when I had to go off because I didn’t have insurance, I spiraled down to an even darker place. Fortunately, my current medication has worked for many years.

        I am still very very afraid of going back to “That Place.” So much so that I am very proactive if I feel my mood begin to go low. I speak to a med professional, I exercise, I focus on my breath. I really do find that meditation really helps – try it if you haven’t done so yet. There are apps that can help you with this.

      • NUTBALLS says:

        BGE, thank you for being so open about your depression. I’m happy you’re here too and that you’ve found a way of combating it. I wish you continued hope, health and happiness as you fight on.

      • mimi says:

        Thank you, BGE, for your answer.

      • Boston Green Eyes says:

        I think it’s really important to talk about mental illness. So many people feel shame about it – and it doesn’t help when people who know absolutely nothing about it go around telling those of us who do, “oh, just snap out of it” or “it’s all in your head.” Without any help, whether through therapy and/or medication, I don’t have any control over my depression.

        Almost all people in my life know that I’m sober and many others know about my depression – because I think it’s important that people see the face of depression and addiction: that it can affect a normal (seeming), average human being. It’s not just people living on a park bench or walking around mumbling to themselves – though I could go there in a New York minute if I don’t continue with my treatment.

      • Eve says:

        @ Boston Green Eyes:

        Thank you for your comments, my dear. Lots of things in common with you, too (though I’ve never battled addiction).

        Many stories here, with many things in common. This has been a bittersweet thread.

    • Kitten says:

      No Eve. 🙁
      I can’t lose my favorite kitty pal.

      Sending you so much love, positive vibes, and internet hugs.

    • SusanneToo says:

      I don’t have any magic words, but just know that there are people who love you and want you in their life. Get whatever help is available. I don’t want to sound like a Hallmark card but life is a gift.

    • Jayna says:

      I’m so sorry to hear about your severe depression. My ex’s beautiful and beloved younger sister, so smart, suffered from it since young. She also tried three times over the course of years to take her life. In between she looked like she was okay, getting her Bachelor’s. After one attempt, working on her Master’s. To look at her you would never knew how she suffered such dark depression that would come back so unbearably. She also got a lot of help from family and medical and mental health professionals.

      I once suffered from horrible depression in one period of my life years ago. It was dark and unrelenting and the pain became unbearable. I never tried to commit suicide, but I wanted to die it was so bad. After going through that, I have much more understanding and empathy for those suffering from it and being crushed by it.

      No judgment, just compassion. I wish you well.

    • Shambles says:

      One breath at a time, beautiful Eve. I know telling you how loved and worthy of love you are sometimes just doesn’t cut it. So I wish you as much peace as you can find in each coming moment. We want you here. Love and hugs.

    • Tiny Martian says:

      Eve, we fight the same bitch. And you are not alone, there are so many of us. Please don’t give up, we need all of our warriors to win this battle, and every depressed person who doesn’t succumb to suicide is an inspiration. We need all the inspiration we can get!

    • NUTBALLS says:

      Oh Eve, my heart aches for you and everyone else who suffers like this. I hope you know how much you are loved and missed here when the darkness takes you away for a time. Sending you hugs and well wishes as you continue to fight the battle the best way you know how.

    • HK9 says:

      I know what you’re talking about. Sending you lots of love and internet hugs and remember-you’re not alone.

    • nicegirl says:

      Hello Eve! I know from other posters, and from my own experience, that many of us share the dreadful disease depression. However, in my dark hours I too feel burdensome and so very alone, and worse. PLEASE know that your fellow celebitches feel absolutely no burden from you. We enjoy and welcome your comments! YOUR LIGHT WOULD BE MISSED. I know I speak for other celebitches – we hope to have your input and online presence for years to come! Let’s be super old lady celebitches together, y’all!!

    • JenniferJustice says:

      Eve, I hope that after the reading all these responses to your post that you see how valued you are and that you are not in any way a burden to your loved ones. THEY WOULD NOT BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT YOU. They would mourn you all the rest of their lives. Please don’t give in. Beleive there is a light at the end of the tunnel. Your people need you and want you here. Don’t hang on to avoid their guilt. Hang on because you have a purpose and you are loved.

    • I Choose Me says:

      No words Eve just *hug*

    • paranormalgirl says:

      Eve, there are some interesting new treatment plans for Treatment Resistant Depression. Have you asked your therapist about adding Abilify to your treatment, like GoodNamesAllTaken has? It’s helped several of my patients with TRD.

      • Eve says:

        @ Paranormalgirl:

        I’ve been diagnosed with Major (or Massive) Depressive Disorder and severe anxiety. My case is a terrifying mixture of both clinical, chronic depression and external circumstances that amplify that. It feels like I’m having a nightmare from which I can’t wake up.

        Not quite sure if it’s the same thing you’re saying. But I’m taking notes of some of the treatments and medication other depressive people are mentioning here.

        Full disclosure: I take quetiapine (100mcg) and Prozac (two pills, don’t know the dosage precisely because my sister keeps all the boxes away from me) for my depression. Alprazolam (two tabs — 2mcg each — a day) for my anxiety.

        I also take one sleeping tab at night — nothing hatdcore (like quetiapine), just something to help me fall asleep faster.

      • Crumpet says:

        Eve, we share the same monster! And to top it all off, I have ADHD as well. I am on quite the cocktail that it has taken years to perfect. I have done all my own research and asked to be put on everything that I am taking – I hope your doctor is open to you being active in your treatment. I have found Clonazepam (Klonipin) to be better for the anxiety as it lasts much longer than Alprazolam, so you don’t get the peaks and valleys that you do with Alprazolam. And I agree with GNAT and paranormalgirl that an adjunct therapy can be very helpful – I can’t afford Abilify so I take Buspirone. It has really helped me.

      • Eve says:

        @ Crumpet:

        My doctor is great. He’s also (besides being a psychiatrist) a licensed therapist.

        However, there is already a tremendous amount of demand for him as just a psychiatrist so he told me he simply didn’t have the time to be my therapist. So we do a half-assed therapy sesssion every time I have an appointment with him.

        I dread the day he drops the insurance company I have. I honestly think he’s still attached to it out of sheer compassion for the clients he KNOWS they can’t afford private consultation.

        P.S.: I think I’ve heard this name (Clonazepam) before. But Alprazolam has been proven to be very good for my type of anxiety so whenever I talk to my doctor about a “stronger” anxiolytic, he seems weary about changing my medication (he told me Alprazolam was a very “safe” medication for me).

      • tracking says:

        Eve, I was just reading there is cutting-edge new treatment called TMS (a kind of electromagnetic brain stimulation). Apparently it can be effective for persistent severe depression. I hope you will look into it. You are on such a hard and painful path. Hugs.

      • Eve says:

        @ Tracking:

        I know it and I’ve already discussed that with my doctor. Unfortunately, my insurance doesn’t cover it and I can’t afford it.

      • paranormalgirl says:

        @eve: I’m so glad you have a great doctor!!! It sounds like he’s taking into account all factors. The meds you’re on are good meds with minimal negative interaction. @tracking – I was reading up on TMS as well – the results are similar to ECT but the process is a bit gentler to the system.

    • littlestar says:

      We all love you here, Eve!

      • Eve says:

        @ Littlestar:

        I’m positive that there are people on CB who can’t stand me. And that’s alright.

        Some find me obnoxious, unfunny and arrogant. Let’s face it: they aren’t necessarilly wrong.

      • Nancy says:

        But Eve who cares who doesn’t like us. They have no purpose in our lives. You sound like a badass and I love it. Even with this evil bitch biting at your heels, you’re kicking her away as best you can. In 2015, we have to be getting closer to finding medication to help all of us who suffer. I’m just an internet person but I truly care about you and everyone else who struggles to survive, myself amongst them at times.. Damn girl, it seems like you’re giving it your all. Pink Floyd…don’t give up without a fight. xoxo

      • Christin says:

        Of what little I’ve learned in my 40-something years on this earth is to IGNORE those who don’t seem to like us. It’s wasted energy to try and placate others.

        Probably one of the reasons I’m a pet person, admittedly. 🙂

      • Eve says:

        @ Nancy:

        The reply to your comment is at the bottom of the thread. Yes, I’ve been fighting it with all I can. The hardest part was acknowledging that I had a problem and that I needed to do something (kind of a lie here; my sister practically dragged me to a doctor). Even more difficult was having to accept I needed medication. But even with medication (that I take religiously)…sometimes…I lose track, and the suicidal thoughts start playing in my mind (on a loop).

        @ Christin:

        Oh, I know that. I was just explaining to Littlestar that not everybody loved me here.

        P.S.: My psychiatrist told me there is an alternative to quetiapine, but it’s too expensive (as it’s new in the market) for me right now. All I know is that if it weren’t for the medication, I’d be a lot worse (or dead) by now.

    • SillySimone says:

      Now you listen to me Eve, you cannot let this thing win. When it wins, it takes more victims. It is contagious like that. You need an anchor, something to hold on to during the episodes. You just have to survive each one and live as much as you can in between. I have done this for 25 years. I don’t know your personal life, but if you have no one to hold on to during the storm, hold on to me. I don’t know how to get a hold of you, but hold on to me even if in text.

    • Eve says:

      @ SillySimone:

      Believe me, I’m hanging on to everything I can. Even the smallest, silliest, meaningless (to other people) things. Marvel movies, the (real) football team I root for (Corinthians, here in Brazil — we are leading the national championship, by the way); , the thread jacket I ordered (from Corinthians online shop) hich arrived 6 days before I expected; waiting for Crimson Peak’s premiere (seriously, I cannot die before I’ve seen this film). It’s like I’ve been “procrastinating” my next attempt (because I know it’s going to happen again, I just know it).

      Read your comment downthread. Unbelievable the amount of things we have in common. What’s absolutely normal, almost automatic to normal people takes an enormous effort for us.

      I’ve had episodes where I spent days locked in my bedroom. No bathing (and I’m an extremely clean person), no eating…I just would go upstairs to fill my water bottle, then I’d disappear. I actually leave notes on my bedroom’s door, telling my sister not to wake me up.

      There are a whole lot of things I could tell, but my internet is sh*tty and Google is crashing every three f*cking minutes!!!

    • laura in LA says:

      Eve, you’re not alone! Sorry if this seems trite, but one of my favorite quotes is from Winston Churchill: “If you’re going through Hell, keep going.”

      Keep going, Eve. There are so many of us battling depression everyday, and we’re trudging along with you.

    • Ayra. says:

      Goodness, this actually made me cry a bit. It took me a while to formulate my thoughts, and it’s 3am so excuse me if they aren’t too structured and comprehensible.

      I wish I knew some really comforting words, I’ve always been told “It gets better, just hang on.” but at the same time, it felt as though you’re hanging on to an illusion, because day after day nothing seems to get better. I will admit, it DOES get better, slowly. I remember giving my parents a “period” where they would grieve over me, let’s say 3 months, then they’d be fine without me.. I even made a pros and cons lists, a letter ect.. I just hated being a burden, something I still hate to this very day.
      An accurate description of it is being a black cloud that will always follow you around, just waiting for a weak day. Drowning while being surrounded by help that just seems completely out of your reach. Honestly, I don’t think depression will ever go away, since a lot of people still deal with it years later.
      On my side, I took up Tae Kwan Do again, for every bad thought I had about myself, I threw it into my punches. I studied more so in the night instead of my thoughts coming up with plans, I’d be focused on a maths problem, or a test.. While sometimes the thoughts do come back, just fight. Get an anchor, someone you want to see live their life, nieces, nephews ect.. Then slowly you’ll start being able to live for yourself, and not for others, but it’s a long process.
      Get your mind off of it for as long as you can, especially since the most dangerous part is when you’re alone.

      It’s a journey. But fight, and I know that you don’t want to have to fight all the time, and that you may get tired, but just don’t give up, don’t let it win. xx

      • Eve says:

        @ Ayra:

        I know how you feel. I have made lists, too. I have written so many goodbye letters!…

        I’ll likely be on medication for as I long as I live. Because the other option is simply succumbing to it.

  16. Kylie says:

    RIP Cathriona.

  17. Char says:

    This is so very sad & leaves me concerned for Jim Carrey. I don’t know if he’s said that he is manic depressive or if people just assume, but I know he’s talked about his history of depression.

  18. Livvers says:

    Woah. Tony Ortega is reporting that White was in the middle of one of Scientology’s most mind-bending courses (Survival Rundown) but she had gotten hung up on it.
    Condolences to her family and friends.

    • Zapp Brannigan says:

      Thank you for posting this, I just read it and it’s so sad the damage that CO$ does to people.

    • Betsy says:

      Oh, that’s worse. I generally think assigning blame for suicide is a terrible thing to do, but I would believe and blame that cult. A history of depression plus intensive cult time? Awful combination.

    • Tiny Martian says:

      Ugh. That abusive cult that denies the use of anti-depressants and psychiatrists? The one with all those courses that suggest that you should have absolute control over all of your thoughts, feelings and actions?

      So then what happens when the treatment doesn’t work? Because according to Scientology, the coursework is all perfect, so the fault would be with the individual, it would be their own failure. How do people who are desperate for help feel if they “fail” a course after they’ve been brave enough to reach out?

    • Ennie says:

      Sci$ are against medication… so there could be something there… She might have tried to go off it.
      Poor girl.

    • WinnieCoopersMom says:

      I wonder how many suicides could be linked to Scientology and cults in general if the victims could talk. A lot. The number is high. So so sad. I hope this gives a tiny bit of relief to Jim Carrey, because even though it’s not his fault, I am sure he partly blames himself.

    • Cindy says:

      Oh no. I wonder if they made her stop taking any antidepressants she may have been on? Only speculation, I don’t even know if she was on any, but if she was “encouraged” to stop them, maybe she crashed…Jim Carey wasn’t one was he?

    • Christin says:

      I read that blog entry and immediately thought of an older lady featured in the documentary. She was apparently in the midst of a terrible depression after being declared clear and going to the next level, which is the whole alien story. It devastated her. LRH and others just kept pushing her to do more ‘auditing’ when she really needed to be left alone, she said.

      If this young woman was ‘stalled’ in whatever this course entails, she may have been pushed or under scrutiny. The rumor is that she was encouraged to come to the U.S. primarily to pursue Co$. Just so sad.

    • littlestar says:

      That’s absolutely chilling. And yes, $ci is against medication and psychiatry, that is very true. Wow, just wow if what Ortega reported is true.

    • Tara says:

      Whoah! that’s so unfortunate… Also my condolences to all who’ve lost people to depression… and to those who suffer from it. I’m in the latter group, but, in my middle age, it seems to have softer teeth. Fingers crossed.

    • Mollie says:

      I came in to post the same thing. She had just done some weird program within it, too…intensive. I hate Scientology with a passion. Maybe it didn’t cause it, but it sure didn’t help her.

  19. Nicolette says:

    Very sad. The top photo is beautiful and haunting. Hope her family, friends and Jim are strong for each other.

  20. Susan says:

    I agree with the earlier poster, I wonder about poor Jim now. This–her suicide and alleged reference in the note about the breakup–is a lot to carry on your shoulders. Not to mention his admitted struggles with depression.

    Is it confirmed she’s involved with CO$? Whoa.

  21. Norman Bates' Mother says:

    That’s so incredibly sad. I’ve lost 5 of my friends and former class-mates to suicide and that pain is always there. It’s awful to lose a friend – full stop, but when someone takes their own lives, there’s always this overwhelming sense of guilt and the feeling that that loss was completely preventable but yet, no one was there to prevent it.

    I was suicidal myself in my life and I know that one of the most important things is that the people around don’t try to trivialize or marginalize depressed person’s feelings. I lived in a place where people constantly mocked my feelings, called me out for not being fun, perky and happy all the time – not in a bullying or malicious fashion, it’s just that people who’ve never been depressed tend to think that it’s motivational and that it helps. But it didn’t, it only caused me to think that no one would even miss me if I’d killed myself, if I’m such an awful person and such a burden to them. But then in a clearer moment I decided to change my environment instead of ending it all and I moved away thousands of miles away and I stayed with my aunt and uncle. My uncle lost his mother to suicide when he was 15 and he was the first person in my life who noticed that I’m depressed, even though he was just a husband of my aunt, whom I’d barely even known. I once had an awful day and I locked myself in the bathroom just to cry and he completely overreacted – he wanted to kick out the door, because he was afraid I’m doing something bad. We had long conversations and he made me realize that many people would suffer if I did something stupid. He made me talk honestly with my parents and my mom was far from understanding but my dad admitted that he is depressed as well and that he takes strong antidepressants. We lived together for so long and instead of helping each other out, we were hiding our feelings.

    I wish every depressed person had someone they can open up to, and who will treat their problems seriously. I’m still depressed, it doesn’t go away like that and it can be crippling, but my suicide thoughts almost disappeared. Suicide prevention lifelines are an amazing thing but not every person is open to talking to strangers. Depression and mental health awareness is crucial – people have to know that depression is real, that it’s not some stunt or attention grab, and they have to know how and when try to help their loved ones and how not to worsen the situation.

    • Darlene says:

      “We lived together for so long and instead of helping each other out, we were hiding our feelings. ”

      Powerful words. Thank you for sharing your story. I’m glad you’re in a better place and have people around you to support you. <3

  22. SillySimone says:

    I am so livid that TMZ mentioned who the suicide note was addressed to. That is entirely unethical. First it implies that Jim is to blame. Second it violates the memory and the last moments of a very desperate person’s life.

    As someone who has suffered from clinical depression for over 20 years, I can tell you that it is a disease that often has no reason to become active and comes uninvited. I was never abused. I was never in abusive relationships. I did not do drugs or drink. Sure, I had some bad times, but everyone does. I never sat around feeling sorry for myself. It would just show up, out of the blue, at 4ish in the morning. It would hit like a ton of bricks for no reason whatsoever and last a few months.

    As soon as my medication would be adjusted (several weeks till it worked) it all went away again, like nothing happened. It is its own animal, like any other illness. Thank goodness that I had such a strong support system. My parents and my husband, aunts and uncles. Everyone got on planes if need be to come help me when this horrible illness hit.

    It is not Jim’s fault this happened. No one deserves to have that kind of blame on their shoulders.

    And for anyone in the thick of this thing, just remember, if nothing good can last forever, then nothing bad can either. Ride it out as best you can. It will end. You will get a break – even if it is a short one for some – you will be you again. I promise.

    • Lurker says:

      + a million to all that you said.

      It does seem strange to me that the tragic death of a private person, who was not a celebrity, is splashed across the Internet like gossip. I know she dated / was dating an actor, but he’s not really at the height of his fame right now. To reference the scene, her note, etc, just seems so intrusive and callous, but maybe I’m just an old biddy.

    • lana86 says:

      when u say it hits you, can you explain in detail? I’m really trying to understand how it works, but the descriptions people give are usually vague. Is it some obsessive thought process? What exactly is a source of pain?

      • Karen says:

        Hi Lana86, I’m not Sillysimone, but will give you my experience with it (from earlier this week). Things are completely normal until suddenly it isn’t. No warning signs, you wake up and your heart just feels heavy. You feel useless and like no one would miss you if you disappeared. Suddenly every experience – a rude checkout person at the grocery store for example – seems to justify the thought that you wouldn’t be missed and that life will just continue to be a challenge. Then, if you have good meds, those feelings lift and you carry on. Strange and horrible disease.

      • Lucrezia says:

        Just to expand on what Karen said … the way you’re feeling affects how you perceive things. Ever woken up in a crabby mood (PMS/headachy) and something minor made you absolutely furious because you were already in a bad mood? Or been in a good mood, laughing with friends and ended up in a fit of giggles over a really lame joke because you were already in a laughing mood? It’s like that, but being in a lonely/worthless mood and perceiving innocent things negatively and then feeling more lonely/worthless. And instead of a mood that lasts a few hours, depression can lasts for days/months.

        It’s not just mood and thoughts, there’s often physical symptoms too. You know when you’re on day 3 or 4 of the flu, and you’re exhausted (having a shower sounds like too much effort), you’re thinking in slow-motion and kind of detached from everything (staring vaguely at the TV rather actually watching it), and it feels like you’ve been sick forever? Like that, but minus the coughing/sneezing.

        (I hope you’re feeling better Karen!)

      • SillySimone says:

        I cannot possibly speak to every one’s experience with clinical depression and certainly all depression is not clinical. But an actual chemical imbalance – such as in my case – is not triggered by life events. I can describe the first time it happened, if that helps you understand. This is very personal and while I don’t mind sharing it in order to help someone else, I would like my comment to be treated with respect. Everyone handles things differently, so I want no judgements. Thank you in advance.

        First time with the monster:

        I was 22 and living in a flat with two great roommates and in university. I was having the time of my life. I had a really strange virus for a week with a high fever. Then once I was over that, I just did not feel like myself. I thought I was still sick, so I took it easy. One morning I woke up at around 4 AM with a horrible and overwhelming feeling of dread. It was horrible. I just sat there and cried. I felt like the most basic tasks, like getting out of bed and putting my clothes on were impossible. I just laid there all day and cried. Again, I thought I was still sick with some virus. But as days of this turned into weeks and I had dropped a lot of weight (I could not eat, it was too much energy), I knew something was wrong with me that was not just the result of a virus.

        I cannot explain the sadness that I felt. I can only equate it to grieving when someone dies. The world seemed horrible to me. Scary. I felt guilt over nothing, just absolute guilt. I felt like something took my life and me away. It was beyond sadness and it sapped me of all energy. I kept telling my roommates that I felt like I had been erased. Like everything I loved suddenly lost all meaning overnight.

        I just cried. I stopped taking calls. I stopped bathing. I stopped eating. All of it seemed like too much work, when all I wanted to do was just disappear so that I no longer had to feel this way. Mostly I just wanted to die and prayed that I would (and felt guilt for being too much of a coward for not doing it myself).

        I had a few good hours in the afternoon, but generally, this monster would wake me up around 4 AM with a sense of dread, sweat, and shaking. I would spend the day crying. After about a month of not taking my parents’ calls, they had enough.

        They came to school and got me. They took me from doctor to doctor. My father suggested perhaps I needed a vacation. I had a great doctor and I will never forget these words. She said that geography won’t change my chemistry. She put me on SSRIs and basically told me that my one and only job… ONLY JOB … was to hold on for another 4-6 weeks. Regardless of how I did it, I just needed to hold on. She told me if that failed, to hold on to my father for dear life, but to cling to whatever I had to cling to in order to survive this disease. She gave me two options, I could do this in a hospital or if someone could be with me 24/7, then she would allow me to do this at home. I chose the latter – actually, my parents chose it. I was too far gone to care where I was or what I did. Mostly I just wanted to die.

        So, both my parents stopped working. My aunt came to stay with us. The whole family took turns being with me, so I was never alone as I was incredibly suicidal by this point. They did not make it easy on me. They wanted me to fight. But how does one fight themselves? We started small. Every day I was assigned a task – as we waited for the medicine to kick in. For example, today, I will put on my pants and that is all I have to do for the whole day. The next day, I will put on my pants and my shirt, and that is all I have to do. And so forth. I was forced to focus on mundane tasks like eating, sleeping, bathing.

        About 3 months of this nightmare, somehow, and I don’t remember how, it just seemed to have stopped. My parents said they saw gradual improvements. For me, it seemed to have stopped as quickly as it had started. I was back at my apartment, in school, and made the honor roll.

        The next episode was 7 years later. Now, with 25 years under my belt of this and thanks to great doctors, I fully understand that my chemical imbalance is directly tied to my menstrual cycle. With SSRIs and hormones, I have only had 4 episodes in total, that each lasted about 3 months over the last 25 years.

        I am so upset with TMZ for referencing the suicide note because I know, from experience, the notes I wrote. I was not myself when I wrote them. I would be so humiliated if someone not only made them public but used them to judge me. I am horrified for this young woman. I don’t know her or why she took her own life, but she is a casualty of an illness and should be treated with respect, not as tabloid fodder.

        I hope this helps.

      • lana86 says:

        Thank you for sharing, Simone. Indeed it gave me a clearer picture. I’ve always been invested in the topic of mental process. I guess I’ve had some mild episodes of depression in my life (it was not pain really, but extreme indifference and desire to somehow softly disappear, also the dread of thinking about keeping on living for many bland years). It felt like I looked inside my soul and saw cold and emptiness, and worms. As if before that, I tried to play-pretend some fake life, and then my own fakeness blew up in my face. I was asking myself – what am I? How am I to function? I’m nothing. What helped me then was some classic Buddhist literature. It wasnt cheerful, but it gave me clarity about human mind, and the nature of the world. Also, the concept of non-self really spoke to me then. It is something that is hard to swallow when u feel “normal”, invested in the game of life, your own persona, etc. But in that pained, detached state it was like a bitter medicine to me.
        Surely, Im not saying its a cure or whatever, just sharing my personal experience. Im pretty sure it wasnt a clinical depression or “chemical depression”, nothing that serious. But the truth is, we live in a weird, uncertain world, with our weird, uncertain souls – and we try to pretend we are solid and the world is static and reliable. No wonder there is a deep contradiction that we try to shove down. To swim in these waters is a curious skill.
        I hope you all guys are feeling well now, and whatever comes we can find truth and love within ourselves, or grow it out, when it’s not there.

      • laura in LA says:

        Lana86, it’s so wonderful of you to want to understand.

        The problem in trying to explain, though, is that there are different types of depression. So many of us experience it differently, such that I couldn’t even explain how it hits or affects someone else. Some of us may be suffering on the inside, but we’re still functioning to all outside appearances.

        Sorry, I know that doesn’t help much.

    • FingerBinger says:

      It’s tmz. They’ll publish the suicide note if they get their hands on it.

    • jwoolman says:

      Exactly. Clinical depression or bipolar episodes do indeed recur out of the blue. Sometimes a stressful event may make things worse enough to get properly diagnosed, so people mistakenly believe life stress “caused” it. It doesn’t. It may add to it, but the biochemical imbalance is a separate entity.

      It’s very important to realize this “out of the blue” feature of the disease. My brother had been off medication for several years because his doctor felt he had normalized enough to try that, to avoid side effects. He had been doing quite well. Then he could feel the old symptoms were re-appearing but dismissed them because he felt his life was going pretty well, so there was no reason to “be seriously depressed”. He had been first diagnosed after a bad breakup, but actually had been suffering from the disease for many years before that. I had warned him about the “out of the blue” recurrences but he didn’t really believe me. Then a major depressive episode hit and he had to dig his way out all over again. The episodes take all the joy out of life, I can see why suicide is such a big risk. It’s in the same category as serious chronic physical pain. My brother’s doctor told him to make sure he didn’t live alone during an episode but rather have someone around who was aware of the problem. I called him every day, which after he recovered he said helped even though he wasn’t his natural talkative self.

      So if you have a friend or family member with the disease, find ways to keep in touch with them or let them stay with you during an episode or go live with them. Because the disease affects behavior, people tend to assume there is voluntary control but there isn’t. If someone was having seizures or broke both legs, people would understand better why it’s important to have someone around to help when needed.

      • SillySimone says:

        You are right. And it is so important to always remember that “out of the blue” is constantly nipping at the heels, so getting of meds is probably not a good idea. Because it takes several months for them to kick in and starting meds comes with side effects, making the entire situation even worse. People are at highest risk during the first few weeks of starting antidepressents because of the side effects. Best to stay on them. I went off once, just once, while pregnant. I was worried about the side effects on the baby. In my second trimester, it hit – HARD. I had to be hospitalized to protect both of us. I remember my husband in tears begging me to stay alive. I will never get off my meds again. Never do I want to see my husband’s face like that as the reflection of how deep I fell.

      • Crumpet says:

        The several months to kick in thing, is a problem. There is some really interesting research surrounding Ketamine. One dose of it, and serious depression lifts immediately. It is currently in clinical trials, and it is being discussed that it should be available for compassionate use, because the drug has been around forever and (if injected by a medical doctor) is reasonably safe.

        Here is a link to the clinical trials.

  23. Naddie says:

    We don’t really know what’s happening inside one another. And when you make the effort to hide it, people really don’t notice, I say that by personal experience. I can only hope that there’s an afterlife and we can all rest our ovewhelmed souls there.

  24. Jenna says:

    This is unbelievably sad… I was shocked when I read the headline on the home page. I really hope that Jim heals from this…

  25. snowflake says:

    I can’t believe people are implying Jim carry is the reason she committed suicide. How dare people imply that? When I was 16, I was friends with a guy who was very funny. He asked me out, but I told him I just liked him as a friend. Shortly after, he tried to commit suicide, and people said I was the reason. Ridiculous. If someone commits suicide, they hadd issues before that. How rude that people are implying Jim carry treated her so badly that she committed suicide! How many of you have tried to commit suicide after someone rejects you? Exactly. If you did, you obviously had issues before. It is so wrong to talk shit about Jim. I have never heard a thing about him treating women badly. And he obviously had feelings for her if they were off and on. Get some sense people

  26. Mimi says:

    About to get real personal here. I lost my mom to suicide in 2003. It was hands down the most devastating thing to ever happen to me. For years, I blamed myself. I should have known something was wrong. I should have spent more time with her. I should have returned her call a few days before. The truth is that my mother was just a very sad person. She had been through a lot in her life that had absolutely nothing to do with me. The loved ones of somebody who has committed suicide are already blaming themselves (even though it is not their fault) the last thing they need is to have others blaming them as well.

    • GoodNamesAllTaken says:

      Oh, Mimi, that is so sad. Of course it wasn’t your fault. It’s always the responsibility of each person to decide to take their own life. I’m so sorry for your loss.

    • Jayna says:

      I’m so sorry to hear about your loss. You make many great points also.

    • nicegirl says:

      Best wishes to you Mimi. Terribly sorry for your loss.

    • Boston Green Eyes says:

      I’m so sorry about the loss of your mom, mimi. I cannot imagine how hard that must be. I lost my mom to cancer and that was absolutely devastating. I cannot imagine the grief caused by a suicide.

      Please just know that she really really loved you but her mind was taken over by her illness. Just as cancer kills your body, depression/mental illness kills your mind and your spirit.

    • Christin says:

      I am so sorry for your loss. Thankfully, you seem to recognize it’s no one else’s fault.

    • SillySimone says:

      So sorry:(

    • laura in LA says:

      So sorry for your loss, Mimi.

    • Crumpet says:

      Oh Mimi. Your post put tears in my eyes. The only reason I have never attempted suicide is because I know the horrible damage it would inflict on my daughter. At times the beast lies and says she doesn’t really need me anyway, she has her dad and stepmom and they are much better parents than I can be. I will just be a burden to her…. on and on goes the relentless bitch. Thank God she has been beaten back into submission for the most part, because I know… KNOW (and thank you for telling us this) that it would HURT my little girl in such a brutal way that she might never recover.

    • Eve says:

      Sorry for your loss Mimi, and sorry for the late reply. To be honest, my head is still spinning from all these stories. And how much all of us have in common.

      I just want you to know that there was probably nothing you could have done to save her.

      Sometimes my sister asks what she can do in order to help me. 9 out 10 times I simply answer: nothing. There’s nothing you (my sister) can do. It’s beyond your control — it’s beyond mine as well.

  27. Betsy says:

    My condolences and prayers to her family and friends.

  28. Ann says:

    Poor baby. Not sure why but it seems to me that most young women dating much older men have severe psychological issues (and much older men dating much younger also seem cracked in the head).

    Terrible tragedy. No matter how bad life gets, this too shall pass!

    • GreenieWeenie says:

      maybe they’re attracted to…longevity. Since that’s the thing they struggle with.

      Men dating young women? Just emotional children.

    • evermore says:

      I can’t believe that some are using this awful tragedy as a way to yet again bash a man for dating younger woman.

      Sadly, Depression can hit anyone, regardless of who they date and no matter how old or young.
      RIP Cathriona

  29. Sarah01 says:

    Rest in peace Cathriona.

    Her last line on Twitter before she signed off was heartbreaking.

  30. snusnu says:

    A friend of mine got involved with a psychopath (he was certifiably insane and had stayed in the psych ward for some time, but I havent seen the papers to know his exact diagnosis).She was in a very bad period of her life and was very very vulnerable at the time and many people got surprised(including me ) when she started going out with him.That psycho nearly ruined her.He tortured her with mind games and lied to her all the time.He made her believe she would never recover emotionally ,physically etc.He blamed her all the time for everything.When she tried to kill herself,that idiot still didn’t f-king care.She found the force within her to leave him behind and she really,really blossomed and now this dude stalks her.What I am saying is that if you already are in a bad state,hanging out with guys like this can trigger some really bad emotions and make you even worse…

    • Andrea says:

      Years ago, I dated a sociopath briefly (7 months) and after we broke up, I found out he was dating/physically abusing two other women. He stalked me and I was able to get a restraining order for 3 years he was deemed so dangerous (he tried to run an ex over with a car when he saw her in a car with her new bf). This guy was small too 5’6″ 130 lbs and a professor(who since can’t teach anymore for trying to date his students/harassing them into dates). He also lies about his age to get young women (he is 38 but claims he is 29). He prefers women 18-25. I am always waiting for the call when some other ex contacts me about him (several exes have reached out when it all went down with the same exact story about him). I wish men like him could be put in psych wards for life because they are truly a harm to society, particularly women in his case.

      • snusnu says:

        Thank god you got rid of him! This one Im talking about constantly talks down to people and belittles the women he dates to the point they feel worthless and powerless in front of him.He dates younger girls,way younger.He also manipulates them for money.All this stuff seems normal to him.

  31. Eve says:

    @ All above…

    Thank you for the outpouring of support and best wishes.

    Also, thank you all who shared your stories. There are some I’m going to address later (because they seemed like they came out of my very own mouth). But I need a proper computer to reply, and I’m still on phone.

    Thank you all.

    • JustCrimmles says:

      Adding mine to the list… Celebitchy wouldn’t be the same without you. And Stefon. Because he has everything: geeks, sherpas, a Jamaican nurse wearing a shower cap, room after room of broken mirrors, and look over there in the corner – is that Mick Jagger? No. It’s a fat kid on a slip ‘n slide. His knees look like biscuits and he’s ready to party.

      We never know what’s just around the corner. Could be lame, could be awesome. But we owe it to ourselves to find out. So don’t give up. Because you WILL be missed. Even by a bunch of internet weirdos who wouldn’t know you from…Adam…in the outside world. And really, internet weirdos are the best people. We take all kinds, scarred physically or emotionally or both. We know it’s not the only thing that makes you you, it’s just a part. Hold out for your Mick Jagger slip ‘n slide party, whatever it may be!

      • Eve says:

        You forgot the human suitcase, the human defibrillator and Dan Cortese.

        P. S. : You made me giggle. I shouldn’t be giggiling on this thread.

        *wags index finger at Juscrimmles*

      • JustCrimmles says:

        OF COURSE DAN CORTESE. Guess that means my pass to all of New York’s hottest clubs is officially revoked. Darn the luck!


    • Christin says:

      Please add me to the long list of those wishing you well. Same to anyone else who faces the same challenges.

      Life has many chapters, and I genuinely hope each of us can be around to see what our next one is.

      Personally, I repeat to myself something my father told me shortly before his unexpected passing. I was really struggling, and he knew it. He told me that some things (troubles) seem like they will never end, but they will. Everything is temporary. And he was so right. It’s just hard to believe it’s true in the middle of the storm. But the sun will peek out again, if just for a moment.

    • SillySimone says:

      If you want to contact me, please ask Celebitchy folks to give you my email address. My offer is genuine. If you need to hold on, then I will be there for you as so many have for me (family and strangers alike).

      • Eve says:

        Thank you, dear. I’ve already have a team of real life and internet friends trying to help me. And we can always “meet” each other here…well, as long as this site exists.

        Don’t worry too much. It does feel like it’s the depression that has me, not that I have it. It’s an enemy within but I’ve survived this far, haven’t I?

        Survived enough to share my story and find out there are many like me. It’s somehow comforting to know that it’s not like I asked for it, that it’s a disease and that there are others fighting the same “monster”.


  32. Sam H x says:

    What a terrible tragedy.

    My thoughts go out to Cathriona’s family, Jim Carrey and her close friends. I hope they find strength and light in the happy moments they spent with her and not blame themselves.

    I wish nothing but strength and love to those who are suffering from this illness. Remember people love you and want you here. There is help.

    love this CB community, the support and love we give each other makes it all worthwhile to come on here.

  33. Louise says:

    Very sad, you can see from her instagram how close she was to her sister and brothers and nieces.

    V sad for Jim Carrey too – the guilt will never leave him regardless of her reasons.

  34. MartianLove says:

    My Ex and I broke up a few months ago and I don’t think I truly ever recovered. He recently came back in town to visit and foolishly we met up. It was like a flood of emotions came rushing back and I immediately stated to self hate and blame myself for everything. I’ve suffered from depression practically my whole life and have always debated if being alive was even worth it. When you try everyday to get up and do better but you just feel pinned to the ground. It’s like what’s the point, no one cares about you, no one needs you.

    I mostly just hate that I see others and their just so happy. Like why can’t I be more like them and just let things go and move on, why do I always have to feel trapped. Depression is a nasty illness especially when you already feel like you’re in a losing battle.

    • GoodNamesAllTaken says:

      Have you tried medication? Sometimes just trying to do better isn’t enough. I hated the thought of taking medicine for my depression, but I finally did and it’s so much better. I’m sorry if I’m telling you something you already know. But I also have tried to fix it by myself and it just got worse. I’m sorry you are going through this.

    • SillySimone says:

      This has only been a few months of a serious relationship falling apart. Yes, it is terrible. Yes it sucks to see happy people. But, if this becomes something else, then I would suggest you seek help. If you stop taking care of yourself, cannot function, have sleep issues, cannot enjoy anything that you used to… these are red flags. If you start to self harm or if you think of a process by which to kill yourself (what I mean is, you think of the method, the steps required, etc.), then call 911. We all have moments where we imagine what death would be like or what our funeral would be like. But actual plans or ideas of method, time, place, etc., are not normal and that requires emergency intervention. Please take care of yourself. In time, a regular broken heart will pass. I promise. Just make sure to watch for these signs.

  35. CatJ says:

    Thank you to everyone who shared their stories, or their support. I had a really bad day yesterday, feeling down, and useless, and dealing with some grief, so, it is good to read
    your input and feel some caring, even though addressed to others, and virtually, I took it in, too.

  36. NUTBALLS says:

    Thank you ladies for sharing your stories. I’ve teared up many times reading these threads. What you all describe sounds like hell on earth and I applaud you for continuing to fight an incredibly difficult battle with courage and guts. Wishing you strength and endurance, effective meds and that you all know how valuable your lives are to those who know you.

  37. Jayna says:

    So she was a long-time Scientologist. That means if she had mental health problems and depression that she wasn’t receiving any medication or mental health counseling, since they don’t believe in it.

    And regarding Carrey, that was never going to work with Jim Carrey anyway long-term. He has made fun of Scientology before. If she was trying to convert a nonbeliever like him when they got back together dating five or six months ago, it wasn’t going to happen.

    An interesting comment by an ex-Scientologist on the article by Tony Ortega on Cathriona being a Scientologist.

    “When Scientologists say that Cathriona was emotionally prepared for the challenge of dating Carrey because, they said, “She had just finished the Purif and was doing her objectives”, this, to me, is very disturbing.

    “Admittedly, there could certainly be many variables in Cathriona’s relationship with Jim Carrey, but one fact does stand out that I can relate from personal experience and it is this:

    “Scientologists believe, when they conclude any course, or an auditing cycle, or the purif or objectives, that they are unquestionably stronger beings. They write success stories that “prove” just how invincible they are. But the real truth comes when these people go back in to the real world, and in the case of Cathriona, this meant probably showing how strong she was in front of a non-Scientologist like Carrey. This is when the house of cards collapses. The terrifying thing is that the person really believes in what they have just done in Scientology and as long as they stay attached to Scientologists, things appear to work. But when they venture beyond Scientology’s grip, they don’t have anymore the slightest idea how to apply this “data” in the real world.

    “Why? Because the “data” that they have paid handsomely for, is unfortunately totally false data.”

    • JustCrimmles says:

      I wonder how they will spin this (if they address it at all.) What a waste and a shame.

    • Christin says:

      I did not see that comment, but how interesting. I did read about how Jim had a long-time disdain for Co$, which does lead to wondering if she was under pressure to convert him. I’m imagining her auditing sessions were grueling (maybe not, but watching the recent documentary led me to think they would do that).

      Just so sad all the way around.

      • laura in LA says:

        I haven’t read the Tony Ortega article yet, but despite some of the unfairly negative comments here about Jim Carrey, maybe he actually tried to save Cathriona from Co$? In any case, I think it’s important to remember that he’s now suffering, too.

      • Christin says:

        Good point, Laura. He apparently mocked them years ago, long before so much went mainstream.

        I do feel sorry for him, because I truly doubt he intended any harm for her. Another article I read this afternoon mentioned her father had passed away nearly 3 years ago to the day she was found (I think the date was the 26th and she was found on the 28th). There may have been many factors that played into her despair.

  38. TessD says:

    I really dislike how the media is trying to imply that because there was a reference to their break up in the note, Jim is somehow responsible for this tragedy.
    I have a friend who’s husband committed a suicide and she even wrote and published a book about it. In it she says how hard the whole thing is on the partner of the expired because people IMMEDIATELY start thinking the other person had something to do with it. It’s terrible.
    People break up every day. Not everyone takes their own life. It’s the decision she made for herself.

    • Christin says:

      My friend’s 14 yo brother excused himself from the dinner table one evening and then locked himself in his closet and committed suicide. He was being bullied at school and his grades had dropped. His latest report card was found next to him. Some people started blaming his father, by assuming he was afraid of punishment. His father passed away just a few years later, just never the same.

      It’s not fair to add two and two when it comes to suicide. The loved ones have enough pieces to pick up as it is.

    • Crumpet says:

      Good post TessD.

  39. Lindy79 says:

    Thank you to all you folks who shared your stories on here, it can’t have been easy.
    Much love to you all

  40. cosmic girl says:

    It makes me upset that people are saying Jim Carrey drove her to suicide. He has bipolar with bouts of depression, but he’s medicated. As someone who is bipolar who has also dealt with crippling depression, medication saved my life. I tried to commit suicide twice. This poor girl had depression which was I assume soul crushing otherwise she wouldn’t have taken her own life. Since she is a scientologist, she doesn’t believe in psychology and medications, which very well could have saved her life. Take it from someone who has been there. When you are that deep in a dark hole no one can pull you out.

  41. Daisy says:

    He dumped her in a $5K a month rental then said ciao. Maybe she couldn’t pay the rent.

    • FingerBinger says:

      Most people move to a cheaper place when they can’t afford the rent. They don’t normally kill themselves. I assume she had more serious problems.

    • Jayna says:

      Dumped her in the rental from where? They weren’t living together. They were only dating since about the spring of this year. Maybe he was generous and signed the lease on that place while they were dating months back because her lease was up or she couldn’t afford a nicer place.. It just sounds like he did something nice for her while they were dating.

    • Jaded says:

      He’s always been very generous to his partners, either current or former. He settled a huge amount on Jenny McCarthy to help raise her autistic son after they broke up.

  42. Dibba says:

    I wonder if Scientology was financially assisting her and she was supposed to recruit Jim and failed and felt helpless after that. She was renting a house for $5,000 a month. That’s alot of money. Thanks for sharing your stories. Inspired by them today.

  43. FrenchGirlChi says:

    My heart hurt when I read this story.
    I don’t think people realize how real and serious depression and other emotions can lead a person to suicide.

    May her soul rest in peace. My prayers go out to the family and friends who were affected by this loss.

  44. jinni says:

    I think it is sick that people are trying to blame Jim for her death and already insinuating that he was abusive, a psychopath, and pushed her over the edge. It’s amazing how some here can see her depression and have sympathy and see Jim’s depression ( the same disease as hers) as a sign that he was a monster or toxic. And because of what exactly? What history does he have of being abusive? Seriously is there some story that I haven’t heard of, because it sounds to me that people are merely accusing based solely on the fact that he’s a man and the older one so I guess that mean he was obviously taking advantage of her and preying on her, right? If he had a history like Sean Penn, Sean Bean, Josh Brolin, Charlie Sheen, etc sure I’d get why some would make such implications, but what has he done to be accused? Not stay in a relationship that’s obviously not working? I highly doubt if the genders were reversed that any here would be implying subtle or blatantly that she had anything to do with his death. Nope, everyone would just point out the he has always had depression that was the sole reason why he did it, but even though it’s come out that she has battled depression for a long time some are still finding every excuse to somehow blame him. How disgusting.

    • Jayna says:

      I agree.

      • Christin says:

        Have you seen the latest photos of Jim at an art gallery that were supposedly taken the same night she posted her final tweet? He was smiling and talking to a couple of women (gasp!) and they are trying to make a story of it. As if he knew what was going to happen.

    • Illyra says:

      Well said.

    • Betti says:

      Agree – he’s never had a bad rep for treating his partners badly. If anything drove her to do what she did it will have been Scientology. She was a troubled young woman who’s problems were made worse by that evil organisation. Its prob the Sci’s that are planting the seeds that Carrey is to blame to protect themselves. Sounds like they pushed her into getting back with him to use her to get them into the fold – we all know how obsessed they are with getting hi profile members.

      I can understand why her friends were concerned about her getting back with him – 2 people who suffer from the same condition is not going to be healthy for either but that doesn’t make either of them bad people.

  45. Chuck says:

    When someone is suicidal or commits suicide, they are unwell or in so much pain and faced with an overwhelming inability to cope, that they commit or consider committing a grave act of violence against themselves. Suicide is one hundred percent preventable but there should be no talk of blame or fault, particularly directed at loved ones. My heart breaks for this tragic loss of life. My heart breaks for her pain. My heart breaks knowing how hard it hurts. I hope anyone who feels it so keenly can reach out and ask for help. You’re not alone and this world needs you in it.

  46. jc126 says:

    Anyone who tries to blame Jim Carrey for her suicide should be ashamed of themselves.
    Such an awful tragedy.

  47. LAK says:

    Just read that she was a C0$. Whilst depression can’t be blamed on externals, being a member of that cult while suffering with depression is not good at all. Goodness knows what mind games she was subjected instead of helping her.

  48. Eve says:

    Well, Nancy,

    You don’t have to worry necause I’m here now to (finally!) say goodbye to this thread. It’s been very draining, both mentally and physically. But also bittersweet.

    I’d like to apologize to all if it seemed like I was thteadjacking this post and making this about myself. If it turned out like that, that wasn’t my intention.