Kirsten Dunst: ‘I want a guy to pay for dinner & open the door for me’

kiki3

Kirsten Dunst covers the new issue of The Edit, net-a-porter.com’s in-house magazine. While I’ve been a lukewarm Kiki fan for years, I have a renewed respect for her these days because of Fargo Season 2. Have you guys been watching? The first few episodes, I was like, “It’s good but not as good as Season 1.” But then the past two episodes have been absolutely phenomenal. Every single actor – from Jeffrey Donovan to Kirsten to Patrick Wilson to Jean Smart – is doing the best work of their career. I feel like Kirsten and Jean Smart are going to be up for a lot of awards next year. Anyway, I’m basically just covering this interview because I wanted to talk about Fargo! There are some interesting quotes here – Kiki is 33 years old, she’s been in a stable relationship with Garrett Hedlund for years, and she seems happier than she’s ever been. Also: did you know that Kiki and her mom live six houses down from each other? Here are some additional highlights from The Edit:

She’s more sensitive now: “I feel much more confident in myself, in life… I don’t stress as much now. I’ve grown more sensitive though. The older I get, the more sensitive I’ve become. I don’t know why. I think it’s that age where death is more around you… I appreciate things more. I mean, I’ve always been very grateful, but I feel far more grounded than I did 10 years ago.”

How her view of her career has shifted: “When I was younger, I actually felt anxious when I wasn’t working. Then there was a moment where I was kind of sick of [acting]. But then it shifted for me and I re-loved it in a different way.” She would rather take a few months off, she says, than work on something unexciting. “Most things are crap and it’s not like I get all the best roles. So you just have to wait.”

Playing Peggy Blomquist on Fargo. “Making a TV show is long hours. Even if you’re not in every scene of the show, all your scenes get compiled into intense days. And Peggy goes through all these emotions all the time so she’s exhausting to play…. Acting, to me, yes, you live in the moment, but you better prepare for that moment real hard and know what is going on emotionally with that person. So I like to know [my character’s trajectory] and it was difficult signing onto something where I didn’t. There was a really good description of Peggy in the beginning, but once you’re given a role it’s yours; I know her better than anyone, even the creator.”

She notices when other actors aren’t diligent: “I notice when people don’t put in the work. Actors can be really lazy.”

The money: She’s not a fan of action-packed blockbusters – “I’ll go and see one when my boyfriend drags me there” – but is grateful for the financial security that Spider-Man afforded her. She is “smart” with her finances, but the projects that appeal to her are not ones that get accountants excited. “To be an independent artist, the only way you really make money is by getting a beauty campaign…I’m like, ‘Thank God, they’re the reason why I can do my art.’”

She’ll sometimes pay for red carpet fashion: “I chip in for certain things because [studios] won’t [pay]. But it’s my job to look nice and wear a good dress, right? No one cares about a boy in a suit; they’re like, ‘He’s hot,’ that’s it, done. It’s all about dresses.”

On being a female director: “Yeah. I think it’s easier for mediocre male directors to be in this industry. As a female you can be a director, but you have to be amazing – that’s the disparaging part to it. You have to be really great to get in there.”

Garrett Hedlund is chivalrous: “I appreciate old-fashioned manners. I want a guy to pay for dinner and open the door for me. I love the masculine; I’ve dated men who had more of a feminine side and it didn’t work.”

[From The Edit]

The chivalry thing reminded me of that interview Kirsten did last year, where she talked about “traditional gender roles,” and how she believes that the best relationships are based on a 1950s ideal, with the man going off to work and the lady staying home, barefoot and pregnant. She’s 33 years old – I think she’s old enough to find a better way of discussing her ideas about gender roles and masculinity/femininity. That being said, I appreciate when a dude has “old-fashioned manners” too. It’s nice when a guy buys dinner and I love it when men open doors for me. I don’t necessarily think of it as a gender role thing, but it IS about manners.

kiki1

Photos courtesy of The Edit.

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143 Responses to “Kirsten Dunst: ‘I want a guy to pay for dinner & open the door for me’”

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  1. Alicia says:

    Nothing wrong with chivalry.

  2. A.Key says:

    It’s not a gender role thing but it’s about manners? I don’t think so. If it were about manners, women would be opening doors for other women and men would be opening doors for men.
    Manners is being polite and respectful to others, regardless of sex.
    But paying for others and opening doors only happens to women courtesy of men.
    It is about gender.

    • Snarky says:

      I open doors for everyone. I thought that was manners, but maybe it is a holdover from my days as a restaurant employee.

      I think whether it is manners depends largely on who proposed the date and who chose the restaurant. If the guy asked, then it would be manners to pick up the bill. If he didn’t, it isn’t rude to go dutch.

      • mia girl says:

        I open doors/hold doors open for everyone too.
        For me it is about manners. But it drives me bananas when a person walks through the door without saying “thank you”.

      • Lisa says:

        I open doors for everyone too! Woman, man, beast or child! Why y’all going round NOT opening doors for people!

      • Elisa the I. says:

        +1, I also open doors for everyone. And I also enjoy being invited for dinner. :)

        Also, I love the pic with the bicycle. Beautiful.

      • Nicolette says:

        I hold doors for others because it’s just good manners but it annoys me big time when I don’t get a thank you or much worse when I’m holding it for my 85 year old mom. She has a lot of pain due to arthritis and moves slowly and some inconsiderate people have no patience, barge past her, and waltz through the door as if I were holding it for them. Drives me nuts.

      • Jellybean says:

        I always open doors regardless of gender and age and I would hope the person would always say thank you. I despise women who lash out at men for opening a door for them and yes, it is not uncommon and I have had quite a number offer up a courtesy in a very sheepish way because of the way they have been spoken to in the past. I am not sure I would expect my partner to open a car door for me, although he will always step back and let me through first.

      • Tiffany says:

        That happened we me. I waited for someone and held the door open and they did not day thank you. It took all my might not to slam the door on their backside.

        Another one is when someone is with another person and opens it for them and lets it slam on the people behind them. That happened to me, the guy opened it for his date and let it slam behind me. If that was my date, not only would I be embarrassed, I would wrap it up.

      • FuefinaWG says:

        I was brought up in a family where our Dad taught us that “men should open doors and pull out chairs for women” among other things. Now it pisses me off when men don’t.
        I will open doors for women and and for elderly men; I will hold doors for men if they’re right behind me … but I do expect them to grab the door when they get to it and say thank you to me … which usually doesn’t happen … because of their atrocious upbringing, I’m sure.
        And I hate first dates where a woman is trying to figure out in her head if she should offer to pay for her dinner. When the bill comes the guy should say, “let me get this,” and grab the damn thing and put it next to him so it’s not this thing sitting in the middle of the table making people uncomfortable.

      • Schwizzle says:

        I open doors/hold doors for everyone too. The ones who tend to have a problem with it and make it awkward but insisting that I go in before they exit or just make it a difficult situation is the older men.

        I don’t mind no Thank Yous. They might’ve said it softly. I don’t care anyway, I’m not doing it for the appreciation.

      • kimbers says:

        I like ur style Snarky!

        Also on a side note: hate when people complain they do not doors bc others dont say thank u? Pathetic excuse to hide your own lacking manners lol

    • Carol says:

      I wish people had better manners too. I do open doors for people, say thank you’s and please, etc. but it amazes me how so many people dont. How hard is it to be kind?

      • CatJ says:

        If they don’t thank me for holding the door, I just tell them, “You’re welcome….”.

        They are either embarrassed, or scowl at me for pointing out their lack of grace.
        Oh well, maybe they will think about it, and, hopefully thank the next person who holds a door for them…

      • WinnieCoopersMom says:

        It shouldn’t even be praised to have manners, it is basic humanity..should be the norm and expected of everyone. I can’t imagine being raised without being taught that basic level of respect. It only takes a couple of seconds to open the door for somebody but is noticed as a nice gesture. Not hard, people!

      • I Choose Me says:

        Adding to the chorus. I open doors for everyone as well regardless of gender. And yes, it’s super annoying when people don’t say thank you. I’ll even settle for a head nod but don’t just waltz through without even a glance in my direction. Grrr.

      • Dara says:

        I think of opening doors, letting someone else go first, holding the elevator door, etc more as basic human kindness than manners, although sometimes they are one and the same.

        My rule of thumb has always been if it’s easier for me to do the thing than the person I’m doing it for. I’ve held the door for big strapping men-folk – when they’ve had two coffees in their hand, or if I’ve gotten to the door before they did and it would smack them in the face if I let go of the thing.

        What irks me is when I see someone who is obviously having difficulty, either because of age, lack of strength, or burdened with bags etc. and those same big strapping men-folk just look right through them. I once gave up my seat on the bus to an older gentleman who obviously would have had a really hard time standing for the entire trip even though I was surrounded by half a dozen guys my age or younger who just sat on their collective a$$es the entire time.

        Don’t get me wrong, I didn’t mind doing it, but they all had me beat in the strength/stamina scale and yet none of them did a thing. It’s not like any of them were coming off a grueling night-shift at the widget factory and needed to take a load off – we were all headed to the same sporting event on a Sunday morning. A bunch of losers, the lot of them.

      • MC2 says:

        I was on a crowded city bus once about 7 months pregnant- no doubt that I was pregnant at all- and NO ONE got up! This isn’t about gender but just basic manners. I had more difficulty keeping my balance then usual and if the bus lurched and I fell then I had more chance of injury. I couldn’t believe it. I assertively just stared at everyone waiting for someone to offer me a seat…..I was baffled since I always open doors, offer my seat (unless pregnant). No one would look me in the eye & they just all pretended not to see me & my huge belly. The bus actually lurched and went a few blocks before someone in the back offered me a seat. After working all day with a huge belly I took it & thanked them very, very loudly. That day really took me back & blew me away at the lack of manners. I went home depressed & it made me very sad.

      • Jaded says:

        Agree with all of you and I’ve had some horror stories too. Like the number of times on the commuter train IN THE SPECIAL NEEDS CAR that I got on, in a cast, with crutches, and not one able-bodied person got up to offer me their seat. Or the many times that able-bodied people rushed on to the ONE train station elevator, despite people waiting in wheelchairs, moms with baby carriages and me with my cast and crutches not able to do stairs. Last but not least, the a**hole guy who shoved past me through an office building door (very heavy) that had a broken auto-open button. He then let the heavy door slam in my face as I hobbled with crutches and a cast. So I am conscious of holding doors open for people who are struggling with packages, babies, disabilities, elderly, etc. I don’t even care about not getting thanked, it’s just a common courtesy.

    • A.Key says:

      Alright, I am super amazed and thrilled so many people are this polite to others regardless of sex or age, god bless :)

      Fair enough, if people do open doors for others all the time, not just men for women who they are trying to romance, then it isn’t a gender thing!

    • amilue says:

      I also open doors for everyone. And I love saying “YOU’RE WELCOME” when they walk past me without saying thank you.

  3. Bettyrose says:

    Mmmm…manners are nice, but if they guy always has to pay, does he also get to choose the restaurant and order for you? Seems only fair since it’s his budget and only he knows what he can afford.

    • WinnieCoopersMom says:

      If a man is inviting a woman on a date, he should either choose a place or provide a couple of options he is financially comfortable with, regardless of what she orders. If he can’t afford an average bill from the suggested place(s), he should ask the woman out for just a simple drink/coffee or not at all. Even as teenagers, guys should know it costs money to take a lady out on a date and they should therefore be motivated to get a job in order to make the money a date requires. This should not be news to anyone.

  4. Lindy79 says:

    I hold the door open for everyone, to the point where I have been left standing in shopping centres waiting on someone to tag me out.

    I think it’s just basic manners not to let a door shut in someone’s face

    I take issue with women/men assuming someone should always pick up the tab/buy them drinks all night. That’s not right.

    • sofia says:

      “I hold the door open for everyone, to the point where I have been left standing in shopping centres waiting on someone to tag me out.” You are me!:D

  5. lisa2 says:

    I really like this photoshoot. Love the cover.

    I’m an old fashion southern girl.. and I want doors opened.. I get that where I live..Men still open doors for you and offer you their seat if you are standing. I like it. I’m a strong independent woman; but I like chivalry in man. I find it romantic; those little things.

    She is right about Women directors. Reminds me of minorities.. You have to bet better than everyone; because the attacks come. And sadly they come from other women even more. I thought she and Garrett had gotten engaged.. I guess not.

    I don’t know a lot about her; so who was the guy with the more feminine side

    • Word says:

      Jake Gyllenhaal

    • melior says:

      I would tend to agree with this except men often complain about the hypocrisy of women wanting equality when it suits them but still expect men to pay on a date. In order to avoid that common complaint (justified to some degree) I tend to go Dutch on dates (even though I’ve had dates that payed but I wouldn’t have let them do so all the time)

      • sanders says:

        But as it stands, we don’t have gender parity when it comes to employment and income. Part of me feels like until that happens, men can compensate by paying for meal or two.

      • SJF says:

        @sanders Exactly! We still have so much inequality in those areas but we gotta hear about them not wanting to pay for a couple of dinners? O_o This can’t be life!

  6. Liz says:

    I’m glad that Fargo is getting good reviews, she seems a good fir for the series. I thought the first season was great but won’t see the second until it’s on Netflicks probably next year.

  7. BengalCat2000 says:

    LoveLoveLove Fargo! I missed the first season so I can’t compare the two, but this is the best show on tv right now imo. Love Kirsten and Jean Smart has always been a badass (remember 24?)…

  8. lower-case deb says:

    in my second job, i was a half-intern (basically not an intern but with intern pay).
    one day i was walking with some filing boxes toward the doors to the accounting department when i saw the reflection of another half-intern coming right up behind me on the door’s glass thing, and saw he was similarly burdened. because i was closest to the door i sort of quicken my pace and kicked the door open and held it open with my back so he could pass.

    he looked at me dubiously but i told him to pass anyway. he did and we all set down the boxes and he turned to me and said: next time, slow down so i can catch up and open the door for you.

    i was a young idealist then, and i really wanted to rant about how i have the right to open the door for him if i wanted to. for some reason, i didn’t say anything, just nodded and said “sure”, and walked away.

    the next time we saw each other near the door, we raced each other to the door. sometimes he won, sometimes i won. and we’re known as the running interns.

    i left my job and three jobs later it was full circle when i was called back to the same company. now with better pay and better hours. he was still there and we were soon known as the running managers.

    sad i had to resign. but i sometimes wonder if that day i just went off at him and ranted my head off, though. it’s really curious i didn’t even though i’m usually the most hotheaded in any room.

  9. GoodNamesAllTaken says:

    I’m from the South, married to a Northern man who opens doors for me. Good manners are very important to me, very, but you have to look beyond that to the intention. Some men use chivalry to disguise condescension. It comes from an attitude of inequality. I will protect and pamper you goes alongside I will advise and control you. I will do these small things for you because that’s what you gals like, and it costs me nothing, but when it comes to making big decisions about our life together, don’t worry your pretty little head about that. My husband opens doors for men, too. He has good manners that go alongside his respect for the feelings of others. He sees me and hears me and cares about what I have to say about our life. That’s what matters. Don’t be fooled.

    Maybe that’s what she means. I hope so. I don’t want another person to feel they have to take care of me. I want them to treat me politely and respectfully. I love that Eagles line “every form of refuge has its price.”

    • Lindy79 says:

      I find when I’m reversing out a car space and a man feels he has to guide me, even though I’m not struggling whatsoever and have not indicated I need any help, INCREDIBLY frustrating and patronising.

      • MoochieMom says:

        Do you know my husband? I feel like every time I drive it is a constant, “I OWN this $X vehicle and bitch, I can drive it. I back out of the Target parking lot like a scared child because this parking lot is nuts!” I drive this car every day and God help me, I even can change a tire!

      • kat says:

        OMG, I would stop mid-backup and make them get out the damned car.

      • Lindy79 says:

        I’m not even talking about people you know, I’m talking total strangers who are walking past and stop and start waving you on.l I’ve actually had to stop reversing a few times because they’ve stood directly in the way, or just wave them on to walk past so politely telling them you don’t need their help.

    • Alicia says:

      “Some men use chivalry to disguise condescension.”

      Proof?

      • GoodNamesAllTaken says:

        I’m talking about a group of the men I grew up with in the South. For all I know, they are everywhere, but that’s where I grew up. Men who pull out your chair for you, who would never dream of letting you pay for anything, who make sure you’re not too hot or too cold, who always walk on the street side, but who smile condescendingly when you offer an opinion on politics or disagree with them on anything (after they get over their initial shock) and tell you how you wouldn’t really understand things like that and should leave it to the men. Men you have been married to for 10 years who don’t know your favorite author or what you think about having a woman for president, but know you are an excellent cook. How can I “prove” that to you? I can’t. I think it’s odd that you need “proof.” Have you never met such men?

      • Alicia says:

        When a man is polite and/or chivalrous, I generally take it at face value. I don’t say to myself, “Ooooh, I know he’s trying to APPEAR nice, but really he’s just patronising me. Those sinister misogynists think they’re soooooo smart, but I see right through their games.” That’s some paranoid, chip-on-shoulder bulls**t (with all due respect to Lindy79 and her driving skills).

      • Lindy79 says:

        But in my case, it does imply that I needed help and was incapable of doing it without a man guiding me out of a space. It’s not like holding a door open which to me is just common courtesy, it’s going out of your way to help the little lady move her car when she neither required nor asked for your help. It has nothing to do with manners in that case if you ask me, and does fall dangerously close to the stereotype “bad women drivers” narrative as I have never seen a man do it to another man.
        I don’t feel that way in general but in cases like that I do.

      • Alicia says:

        It implies nothing other than that backing out of a car space is tricky, due to blind spots, people walking by, another car being very close, etc. It’s a courteous thing to do for another person, and I’ve seen men AND women do it for other men many times. Sometimes people are kind to other people. It doesn’t have to be secret misogyny.

      • Kitten says:

        @GNAT-I’ve definitely met men like that, I’ve even (briefly) dated them.

        When we were last on vacation my BF insisted on going for a run with me (despite the fact that he HATES running) because he was nervous that I wouldn’t find my way back. Well after a couple miles he was winded and cranky and decided to slink home and I met him back at our hotel after finishing up a 6 miler.
        That was the first day we were there and the last morning that he went on a run with me. lol

        It came from a concerned place but I have traveled all over the world by myself and I always run in the morning no matter where I am. If I can find my way around San Fran, London, Paris, etc etc then I can find my way around Chicago.
        So yeah, while it is well-intended it is still sexist in the sense that it’s assuming because I’m a woman, that I’ll get lost. It’s assuming that I can’t handle things without a man’s assistance, that I am somehow less capable than him.

      • Lindy79 says:

        In my 19+ years of driving, I have NEVER seen a man do it to another man, or a woman do it to someone else. I’ve also managed to pull out of thousands of parking spaces without someone stopping (and sometimes actually getting in the way) to wave you on with zero need. Unless it’s a tricky space, there is no need and it’s patronising especially in a huge wide open parking lot.

        I never called it misogyny (I believe it’s more ingrained sexism than misogyny) but you seem determined never to see it, just as you are criticising others for always seeing it. Its not always misogyny/sexism but flipside is it’s not always well meaning/innocent.

      • GoodNamesAllTaken says:

        @Alicia
        I was referring to men I know well, not random strangers. Please read the posts before you respond with such hatefulness. I have tried to reply to you several times, but my reply is deleted despite the fact that it is polite and yours is the opposite.

      • justagirl says:

        @GNAT absolutely, great description. That kind of man can also be found elsewhere, not just in the South. And yes, they use politeness, chivalry, and ‘care’ in general to hide intense misogyny.

        I’ve seen it and also in long-term relationships. As you described, it’s mind-boggling to realize someone does not “get” the most basic things about you, and deep-down considers you incapable, merely because you’re female.

        @Alicia In my experience “some” men are like that, as GNAT said. It’s not rabid chip on the shoulder paranoia…it’s a disappointing thing to realize about some men. Fortunately it seems you’ve never encountered that.

      • Ange says:

        Ooooh I have some proof. Many years ago when I was 19 I got a flat on a highway and pulled into a big service station to change the tyre. I had jacked up the car, pulled off the old tyre and had the new one out ready to put on when a few men started approaching to ask if I needed help. I thanked them but said I was fine as the job was nearly done and they all left me to it with no problems. Then the last guy came along. He brushed off my thanks and insisted I couldn’t possibly know what I was doing and I definitely needed his help. I must have told him about four times I was fine but he wouldn’t let up until finally in frustration I said ‘fine! You can tighten the nuts then because that is literally all there is left to do!’ and as he started to do it of course he did it wrong. Afterwards he had the gall to tell me that if I wasn’t pretty he wouldn’t have even stopped to help me. Gee thanks.

      • Jellybean says:

        I have only met one real misogynist that I am aware of. I use to be the only female in a group engaged in a very typically macho hobby. There were men of all ages and backgrounds, but we were a tight group. There was one older gentleman who did’t quite understand my desire to do something so potentially dangerous and physically demanding, but he was lovely, helpful and ultimately very supportive. Many would see that as condescending, but I saw it as an old man coming to terms with a new world. There were some that were pretty rough and treated me like one of the boys and my absolute favorite who was dry, sarcastic and always pushed me to do more. Then there was the young professional, with his young professional wife, his adorable children, who read the correct newpapers, said the right things, supported all the ‘correct’ causes and was an utter s**t who screwed around on his wife and did everything he could to undermine me when the others were not around. Since then i have taken very little notice of superficial ‘correctness’, although I do appreciate good manners.

    • melior says:

      Good description GNAT. Couldn’t have put it better. Even though I can appreciate chivalry if it happens I’d rather see it more as politeness and I’m careful to any hidden messages of condescendence it might send. Once I realize the chivalrous guy is an undercover mysoginist I step out. It’s deeply sad that they feel they can buy your freedom, opinions and self-esteem with a pretense of kindness. The most subversive form of emotional manipulation.

  10. jwoolman says:

    I understand opening doors for anyone less able because their hands are full, they’re dealing with a child, have physical problems, you’re nearer to the door and/or are strong as an ox and your muscles atrophy without use, etc. But I’m baffled by the gender assignment of the task. We’re not all so weak that we can’t manage a door…. It causes some awkward moments where men in their zeal to be “chivalrous” actually make it harder for me!

    So Kirsten doesn’t have enough money to pay for dinner?!?! The “guy pays” thing is really destructive when men don’t have a lot of money. Why should they feel less valuable when they are unemployed or lower income than their date? It makes women sound so mercenary. This attitude has serious consequences, especially since it is also combined with “can’t date or marry a woman with more formal education than I have”. This is a big problem for women who have professional degrees. Men can date women with less education and less money, but such attitudes about the reverse are major impediments to women having a normal social life.

    • GoodNamesAllTaken says:

      I think if a man asks you out, he should pay for the first dinner. After that, if you start dating, I think it’s only decent to at least offer to share the expenses. As for who opens the door, I think assigning a sex to do it stops everyone from trying to open the door at the same time. But it’s the same thing as exiting a crowded elevator – women go first to the point that it’s practical. If you’re a man in the front, get off. Don’t try to squish yourself to the side so I can get off first when I’m the only woman and I’m in the very back. Just get off. You have to use common sense.

      I thought you made several excellent points about the consequences of the man must pay mentality. You’re right – the double standard is huge and unfair, and limits everyone, especially the well educated, professional woman.

      • WinnieCoopersMom says:

        “And if I invite a friend to a movie, I don’t expect to pay for them. So why a date?”

        Because the purpose of a date is to woo or court someone. If a man asks a woman out, it is to gain her affection. If you ask a friend to meet up for a movie, it is platonic, hence “friends.”

    • Locke Lamora says:

      In my opinion, who ever did the inviting, does the paying. And then the next time you switch. Splitting the bill is rude where I come from, even with friends and colleagues, unless you’re in college or high school.

    • A.Key says:

      I personally hate the “who does the inviting does the paying” mentality.

      It’s as if you have to pay for another person’s company? I mean, WTF?

      If I like someone enough or care about them, regardless if it’s as friends or romantic or family, I won’t allow them to pay for my time with them, it’s almost insulting to me.

      I’m already flattered that they want to spend time with me, they don’t need to pay for my time as well.

      • GoodNamesAllTaken says:

        If we were friends, and I invited you to say, lunch for your birthday, I would pay. If we were just sitting there and said hey, let’s go grab some lunch, I wouldn’t pay, but if I called you up and invited you somewhere I would pay for it. It’s not paying for your time, and it isn’t insulting. I think it’s odd for you to think someone is insulting you when they are trying to be nice. You can pay next time. What’s the big deal?

      • A.Key says:

        But why the complication? What’s the big deal with paying for your own food and drinks every time? Why is THAT somehow insulting?? Then nobody owes anyone anything.
        Crazy world.
        I always pay for myself, unless it’s a birthday or some celebration (wedding, promotion, whatever) when the host wants to treat everyone.

      • SJF says:

        The only complication is on your part. No one owes anyone anything. You asked them out so why the hell wouldn’t you pay? Otherwise don’t ask them out. It’s as simple as that and simply manners. Paying for a dinner is not paying for someone’s time spent with you. It’s paying the damn chef who prepared the food and the waiter who delivered it.

  11. Talie says:

    I’m happy to see that she made it to the other side because there was a moment where it didn’t look so good, especially when she was mixed up with that British rocker.

  12. Patricia says:

    I get so mad when I open a door for someone and they can’t be bothered to say thank you. I often say “oh, you are welcome!” anyway, just to remind them of how rude they are.
    I’m from the Northeast so I’m used to a brusque “too-busy” nature from strangers, and I actually like that. When I am down South or out west I feel like everyone is selling me something because they are so damn friendly, and I don’t have time to hear your life story just because we are standing in line together. I like the way people are up here because I’m used to it and it’s efficient haha. But seriously, people take it too far when they can’t even say thank you for someone going out of his or her way to open a door.

    Ok that’s my tangent for the day lol.

    • GoodNamesAllTaken says:

      They definitely should say thank you. But if you do things for other people because you want to be thanked, instead of because it’s the right thing to do, you will always be disappointed.

    • C. C. Cedras says:

      ^^^^^ Yes! I have a broken leg, I’m in a giant boot and am on crutches for what seems like forever. A few days ago, I was out for an appointment, when leaving a busy building I’m struggling to open the door so I can oochie oochie my way through when this older man breezes through in front of me with no recognition that I’m even there. I said, ” You’re welcome,” and nothing. Apparently, he’s hard of hearing as well as inconsiderate.

      • jugstorecowboy says:

        GAH! I have so much empathy for the boot. I wore one for three weeks recently, it is such a hassle!! Good luck with your foot.

        Also, if I’m opening a door and there’s someone (anyone) behind me I hold it open. If I’m opening a door and there’s someone with kids, a boot, a walker, or something else, I hold it longer. Seriously, it’s not that complicated.

    • Kitten says:

      It must be a northeast thing because I do this exact same thing. Just did it this morning when I held open the bathroom door (which requires punching a code to open so not as easy as your average door) for a woman who was coming in. No thank you, not even a smile from her.

  13. Nancy says:

    I don’t understand how at age 33, she finds herself with death around her….relatives? Actors? On the light side of 50 I wouldn’t think this would be an issue, but she did say she’s more “sensitive” now. She’d have to be mega good to direct a film, but a man can be mediocre, yet she wants that mediocre man to open her door and pay for her meal. Lastly, she pays attention to coworkers who, in her opinion, are slacking off. That seems a little judgmental, maybe they’re thinking the same thing about her. It seems her mind is going in all kinds of directions.

    • Esmom says:

      I kinda wondered about that, too, she speaks as if she’s 15-20 years older than she is. Maybe she’s an old soul.

      I also found her tidbit about lazy actors interesting although it didn’t come off as judgmental to me. I was wondering if she was referring to anyone specific. In any case, there are slackers in pretty much any profession, I think. Some people really go the extra mile and some just do as little as possible to get by.

    • teacakes says:

      Actually, ailing/dying grandparents or even parents (or the deaths of friends/acquaintances) are things that a 33-year-old may be likely to have experienced. I’m younger than her and lost a grandparent and a friend this year (one to natural causes, one not) and I can see what she means.

    • tealily says:

      Yeah, I’m about her age and I’ve been hit with death hard in the past couple of years.

      Why do you think she wants a mediocre man to pay for her dinner? Huh?

      • Nancy says:

        I made the comment in deference to her saying a mediocre man could direct a film while a woman had to be amazing to do the same. Then she said she liked old fashioned values and wants a man to open her door and pay for her dinner. So in one breath she calling out inequality in women’s rights as directors and in another she is asking her gentlemen caller to buy her food and open her door. Double standard.

    • Kerry says:

      It’s Hollywood – drugs, alcohol, excess – take your pick. Most of her friends are older than her too

    • A.Key says:

      I’m 29. I’ve seen my grandfather die, my grandmother, my friend’s grandparents, another friend almost died in an accident, my mother’s cousin died too, my godmother’s sister died and my close older friend and mentor died last year.

      Death is actually a common part of life, why are you surprised?

      And now my bff’s mom was diagnosed with cancer.

      I gotta say I’m personally sick of being reminded of our common mortality every few years.

  14. Sara says:

    She was so, so good in Melancholia. I highly recommend it, even if you don’t like Lars von Trier.

    • senna says:

      I thought she was excellent in that movie as well, and, especially for Lars, that movie is less shocking than deeply sad, so it’s worth a go even if Antichrist has scared you off of Lars in general.

  15. Word says:

    Lars Von Trier is the worst. I still haven’t forgiven/forgotten the crap that was Antichrist.

  16. Insomniac says:

    I completely agree with everything you said about Fargo this season, and I never really liked Kirsten before this. There simply aren’t enough Emmys for everyone in that cast who deserves one.

  17. Erica_V says:

    My bf usually opens doors but I agree that’s more to do with general good manners – whoever gets to the door first opens it and holds it and he walks faster than I do!

  18. kibbles says:

    Nothing to do with being from the North or South. I’m from the North and I am constantly disappointed by how men act on dates. I don’t want to force any guy to pay if he doesn’t want to, so when I can tell the guy doesn’t want to offer, I will just tell him to split the check. Of course, it really impresses me when a guy pays for dinner on the first date, opens doors, does his best to make a good impression. If a guy can’t put in any effort on his first date, imagine how he’ll be when you’re both married. Stingy guys are a deal breaker for me because I’m a generous person. I don’t expect him to buy me thousands of dollars in jewelry or designer handbags, but it always feels good to receive a thoughtful gift.

    • WinnieCoopersMom says:

      Well you didnt really give your first sentence a leg to stand on. I am from the deep deep south and every man from there is instilled from birth to open all the doors, pull out the chair, pay for the bill, don’t curse in front of a lady, give coat if she is cold etc. If a man from the south treated his date like you described, and his parents found out, they would shame him to no end…even if he was 30 years old. LOL say what you want about the south but chivalry is very alive and well down there. Even if you offer to pay, they always say “My mom raised me better than that!” haha

  19. Claire says:

    In this opinated world, you cannot win.

    • Pandy says:

      Here here, Claire! I like to open doors for people – all ages all genders – but as I’m always broke, I appreciate DH picking up the entertainment tabs. I grab coffees where I can to make up for it, but that’s about it. He does the heavy-lifting financially.

      • Kitten says:

        But that’s different. You and your husband obviously have a mutual understanding re: your finances. It sounds like a practical decision on both of your parts, not the same as when *some* men pay for everything in an attempt to keep their partner financially dependent upon them.

  20. Dawn says:

    I like Kristen. She stars in two of my favorite movies of all time. And I agree with her about the changes that come in thirties and after forty even more changes come. I think its called growing up! I love Fargo this year and think she is doing a bang up job. And it sort of funny that her boyfriend’s last name is Hedlund because that is such a Minnesota last name!

  21. Jay says:

    I think this is where a lot of men take issue with “feminists.” Some women demand equality but then expect the man to pay, open doors, etc. We can’t just cry for equality when it suits us, ladies.

    • Eleonor says:

      I don’t want a man to behave like that because he has to, but because he wants to.
      I don’t cook because I am a woman, or because boyfriend is incapable (which he is not), but because I like it.
      My ex boyfriend “conquered me” opening the door of his car.
      It was our first date. It was old fashion, and nice. But I don’t want a man to feel obliged to open the door for me.
      I don’t see any contrast with feminism and equality.

    • JenniferJustice says:

      Sure we can have it both ways as we should. What does indepence, equality, and respect have to do with a man treating his girlfiend or wife like a lady? In your line of thinking, if I expect to be treated fairly in the workplace and make the same amount of money as a man doing the same job, I have no right to want or expect my significant other to open a door for me? Are you kidding?

      • k... says:

        He’s right.

        The fact that you’re indicating that you want to be treated “like a lady” indicates your backwards thinking. What’s inherently ladylike about having a man pay for your dinner? There’s nothing inherently feminine about it, it’s just what you prefer because it means you don’t have to open your wallet.

        I’m tired of women claiming to be progressive and then pulling this kind of crap.

      • JenniferJustice says:

        I didn’t mention paying for dinner. I mentioned holding doors open and pulling out chairs. No, I don’t expect a man to pay for everything. And wanting to be treated like a lady is not backward thinking. That was pretty harsh BTFW!

      • Jay says:

        Quite right, k. Paying for dinner aside, why should a man be expected to open your door and pull out your chair? If a man wants to do those things, that’s fine. But men who don’t do those things are often called out for their “lack of manners.” That’s unfair – women aren’t delicate little flowers. We can pull out our own chairs.

    • WinnieCoopersMom says:

      There is a time and place for a man to be a man. It’s in his DNA to be the provider and masculine. If we, as the lady, don’t offer the opportunity, at least in the first date or two, to let the man “provide” the dinner, it’s emasculating. I think we could argue back and forth all day if this is an anti-feminist opinion but IMO we should let men have their moment to shine. Men have an inherent need to be respected and women have an inherent need to feel valued and heard. If we strip each sex of their intrinsic needs, we are doing a disservice to ourselves and our relationships. Besides, isn’t it nice to be courted a little bit? Sheesh. If I was a man I wouldn’t want to date someone with such a brash disposition about it.

      • Kitten says:

        Hi WinnieCoopersMom-
        I would say that both men and women have a need to be respected, valued, and heard. I would also say that men who are secure have absolutely NO problem with a woman paying. Most of the time, my boyfriend and I split the bill but there are times when he’s making more money than I am (his job is very seasonal) and he’ll pay. Right now, he’s in the off-season for his job so I pay now and then.

      • Sarah says:

        Winnie I am having a hard time working out if you’re being serious…….. do you honestly believe your words? Men are providers and need to feel powerful by buying women dinner?
        This is the anti feminist BS that people tout to keep men in positions of power and keep women at home with babies. We are all individuals with our own lives and choices – antiquated gender roles dictated by societes hundreds of years ago will never impede on my own free will nor direction I want my life to take as a modern feminist.
        I will never enter into a relationship with a man who feels the need to exercise his control over me by paying for things, as if I can’t provide for myself. If that’s your choice, then please enjoy. Don’t try claim it’s the best option though because for many of us it really isn’t.

      • marshmellow says:

        I’m not sure I’d want a man who’s so sensitive about his masculinity that he needs to “prove” it over petty stuff like paying for dinner. To me, it just makes him look weak-willed.

    • senna says:

      If the women who are arguing for feminism are the same women who expect to be treated on dates, they are hypocrites. But women are individuals, not a hive mind.

      Should women’s demands for equality not be taken seriously because some women are hypocrites? no. I know this is not what you were saying, but it’s irksome to see this argument framed as, “oh, if only ALL women would behave properly we would finally have earned the right to be treated fairly.”

      • Jay says:

        Fair enough point. Of course demands for equality should be taken seriously, even when some of the women demanding it are hypocrites. My point is that those hypocritical women turn off MANY people (especially men) who would otherwise take said women’s viewpoints more seriously.

  22. Sweezy says:

    I’ve always loved Kristen. I think she is cool and down to earth. And yes I want my man to open doors and take the lead. I always open doors for people too, but if a guy scoots in front of me, or cuts me off, or doesn’t hold a door for a woman, I always think wow. What a douche. Because yeah, I think it’s polite and nice.

  23. QQ says:

    Meh! I DON’T care For her but I can Also say she is a Pretty decent actress and that Fargo this season Is My EVERYTHING, Peggy Blomquist cannot Blow up her Life Fast enough!, lots of Quietly strong performances, might watch the first season after this one ends

    • MND says:

      I lasted twenty minutes with the second season of Fargo. Sure it’s quirky and set in a quaint snow covered town but it’s just another police procedural to me.

  24. teacakes says:

    I went through a long phase of not liking her, but I have to admit, she is a damned good actress and has been one since she was practically a baby. She just never got the awards credit for it because the stuff she was best-known for were either popular comedies (i.e. stuff like Bring It On which is not “smart” enough for an Oscar despite being one of the best movies of 2000) or a little too unsettling for the average Oscar viewer (Melancholia).

    And I think she has pretty distinctive tastes on the red carpet. She’s not an orthodox kind of beauty, but she knows how to choose clothes (and to express more with those choices than just ‘I have a nice figure and big boobs’ – pretty crucial to having any kind of personal style at all). Somehow the fact that she chips in for event clothing, isn’t surprising at all (and actually makes me respect her more).

  25. JenniferJustice says:

    Fargo is awesome and there is nothing wrong with enjoying being treated like a lady. There seems to be an argument that we can’t be feminists or independent and be treated like a lady. to me, they are two separate points. I can be all for feminine equality and demand to be treated with the same respect as any man while also wanting and enjoying being treated like a lady. My husband lets me do what I want. I don’t have to ask to do anything and he supports me and all my endeavors. He also holds the door open for me, pulls chairs out for me, puts my coat on me. He also gases my car and leaves me a $20 on the counter every Sunday evening. Those things do not take away from my independence. They are affectionate gestures that shows he cares and wants to help make my daily routine easier.

    • WinnieCoopersMom says:

      Hahahah yess!! Thank you. AMEN

    • Kitten says:

      Hi JJ-
      I don’t see anything wrong with that, but I also don’t understand how any of those things have to do with gender, you know? You enjoy having these things done for you but that’s a personal preference—it’s not an innately female thing to want all that. I love it when my BF brings me flowers or white chocolate but I personally do not enjoy being treated like a porcelain doll. I’m not trying to be nit-picky or start a semantical argument but I do think terms like “ladylike” reinforce gender stereotypes.

      EDIT: I see that someone got on you upthread about it. Sorry, did not mean to “pile on”! ;)

    • JenniferJustice says:

      But if we’re going to be honest, those are things that men tend to do for their wives or girlfriends because it is inherent for men to want to care for their family. I don’t see that as taking away from my views on progressiveness or feminism. He is my husband, not my boss or coworker, investor, sponsor, etc. I suppose it is gender stereotyping but it still doesn’t take away from women wanting to be treated fairly in the workplace, etc. My home is not my office. My home is my soft place to land where I don’t have to fight for equality or fairness. It isn’t abnormal to want our home life to be different and “lighter” than our work place. The roles we’ve carved out for ourselves at home are traditional and I’m used to getting flack on here for that. It’s okay. It doesn’t make me want to change it. I don’t understand the all or nothing concept or how one takes away from the other. I also wash my husband’s clothes simply because its a chore I’ve taken on. He does things I don’t do at home too. But that doesn’t mean that if he got dirty at work, he’d expect anybody other than himself to spot clean his shirt. That’s a bad analogy, but it’s the best I could come up with on in a minute before I leave my progressive job for my traditional home.

  26. Andrea says:

    Maybe I have bad experiences/luck but I have found a lot of men who would insist on paying for dinner etc, tend to have opposite views/beliefs than me. They also tend to be aggressive, domineering and tend to be verbally abusive/controlling. I don’t want a man to tell me to know my place but rather to be my equal. I believe we all should open the door for one another. We all should offer to pay or go dutch etc.

    • tealily says:

      Yeah, this has been my experience as well, but I understand this isn’t a universal trait. If she and her partner are comfortable with their dynamic, that’s cool with me. I guess we all want different things out of a relationship.

    • Kitten says:

      YES. GNAT touched on that a bit up-thread.
      That’s a big part of why that sh*t leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I mean, don’t get me wrong–courtesy, appreciation, respect, good manners–these are all important elements in a relationship and it should be reciprocal. I just find that men who are all about treating women like they are precious flowers generally don’t do well with strong women.

      As Tealily said, I don’t think that is applicable in every scenario. Some guys are just raised to treat women like that and are very sweet/gentle and respectful at the same time. But there ARE some men who like to put women on a pedestal, as if we are somehow more fragile than they are because they simply see us as the weaker sex—and that is NOT equality.

      • Andrea says:

        When we stick to old fashioned ideals, we hinder feminism IMO. I have had men previously get very upset(crying) when they find out I stand to inherit a sizeable inheritance upon my father’s death and state that they will never be able to make as much money as I will have or be good enough for me. Who cares? A lot of men sadly do and I blame these old fashioned ideals. There is a huge difference between manners and male/female gender roles/expectations.

      • MND says:

        Hahaha. Crying because you’ll bring in more money than them? What were they reality TV stars?

  27. mkyarwood says:

    I’m into this too, but I’ve held the door for my husband and paid for him before. I don’t think we think about it at all. In previous relationships, I did the same thing, but if I was poor I’d be cooking at home, etc. So, I guess I like chivalry if there’s no question of me being chivalrous too. I look good in armor.

  28. tealily says:

    I wonder if there is an added angle to this. She’s been working and wealthy from a very young age. Maybe she’s been with a lot of guys who just expect you to cover everything by default. I could imagine that would get exhausting.

    I like everything else she had to say in this interview, and I like her. I don’t totally agree with her relationship views, but that’s not really my business. If it’s working for her and her dude, that’s cool.

  29. Sarah01 says:

    I get what she’s saying, Because I’m the same way. I like men to have good manners and certain masculine traits, that’s what I’m attracted to, that’s what I like.

  30. a concerned citizen says:

    I was boarding a city bus once when the guy waiting in front of me stepped aside gestured for me to go in front of him saying “After you.” I responded saying that’s ok. He kept standing there with his hand outstretched. I responded by saying, “No, you can go.” Then he huffed, “Fine, I’ll go then.” I’m was not pregnant, disabled and wasn’t carrying anything large. There was no benefit to me boarding before him. Those are the kind of manners I can do without. Creepy, “benevolent” chivalry that’s really masking some sort of entitlement.

  31. liz_bee says:

    If you’re interested in equality, don’t expect men to pay. I will usually pay for the first date (I’m a woman) just to make a point of it. After that it’s splitting or taking turns paying. If the guy I”m dating has a lot more money than me he can pay for a fancy meal if he wants, but I don’t let it become a regular thing. Men can open the door for me, but I’m opening it for them if I get there first. I live in the south right now, and men do not like it if I open the door for them. I just roll my eyes and go through first if they’re going to be mad about it, but I think it’s silly.

    Side-rant…I dated a guy in college briefly who loved being “chivalrous”. He constantly pointed out how chivalrous he was being: “Look how I opened the door for you! No one does that anymore, right? I’m so chivalrous!” Yeah, it didn’t last long. It’s called being polite, you don’t need to go on about it.

  32. Chelly says:

    I dont mind picking up the check once in a while or going dutch…but I also appreciate old fashioned manners, such as opening a door, pulling out my chair, etc. But I believe that depends on how someone is raised…if a boy sees his father do these things for his mother, or just women in general, he then will follow those same mannerisms (generally?) I suppose. I remember I had gone on a date and when I got to the car he had the passenger side door opened for me already and I thought aw, that’s sweet. When we pulled up to the restaurant he got out before me to again, open the door & i just thought wow, hes so great. Fast forward to the end of the meal, we begin walking to the car & I remember actually saying to him “someone really raised you right” and he said “how so?” To which i said how sweet i thought it was that he made It a point to be the one to open the car door for me to which he replied “oh, yeah, i kind of have to, the lock jams but i’ll show you how to properly open it” Proceeds to show me…butterflies died. Lol. It really was, at least for a second, that small gesture that made a huge difference & seperated him for the rest of the guys i had dated

  33. Paris says:

    It’s generational. The Selfie Generation have no manners.

  34. I love Kirsten…first off her name…. AWESOME

    secondly i think she spiraled because she had been working since like 5 and it was a drag i can imagine…..

    also factor in a series of intense breakups (Jake G and Josh Harnett)

    but she was about to be my fav actress when she didnt Marie Antoinette which I felt she played with such grace, awkwardness, and understanding that I felt like I was looking into a looking glass of Marie Antoinette’s life…. bravo for kiki…

    she sounds like she can finally wrap her head around the acting thing…which I think comes with time, having a break, and growing older/less thirsty

  35. senna says:

    Kiki can say what she wants. I, for one, don’t believe there is a situation in which “chivalry” would be needed to accomplish what could be done with basic manners and kindness. Paying for a date? Why don’t you trade off who pays, or base it on who earns more? Holding open doors? Why don’t you hold open doors for everyone, especially those who need it? Pregnant lady on the bus? How about you give up your seat if you’re able bodied?

    I really loathe the way chivalry highlights gender. I dislike that I must be, by default, perceived as weaker and poorer than a man for behaviours like holding doors for me, or paying for me, to make sense. Of course it’s not intended to say those things, it’s about courtesy based on traditional gender roles and about showing kindness within this context, but it is jarring for me to encounter traditionally “chivalrous” behaviour from people I consider my equal. Oh, I forgot for a minute that I’m a woman and you’re a man because our relationship isn’t a romantic or sexual one, and your chivalry just reminded me of the difference between us. No, I’m not the asshole who points out how it makes me feel, because I would hate to make someone feel bad about their good intentions, but that is how it does make me feel.

    Some people get off on the performance of gender, though. It makes them feel good and masculine/feminine. I understand that, but I am not one of those people.

  36. Jasmine says:

    she’s not good looking enough to get free meals

  37. dj says:

    This is the most beautiful cover shoot I have ever seen of her. Whoever styled her did a great job of captioning the right colors for her. I sometimes forget how beautiful she is but she somehow seems to downplay her looks. GH must be good for her! I do believe he is from Minnesota (someone on previous thread alluded to).

  38. TessD says:

    I’ve been dating plenty in the US and I have never had a guy to even ask to split much less let me pay for dinners. Most of them insist on paying and opening doors. I once dated an Indian guy from India and he didn’t open the doors for me which I think must be just a Western custom.

  39. babs says:

    If a man asks me out then I expect him to pay for the date, and its lovely if he opens doors for me as well. For many women, these types of courtly behaviours are romantic, and if a man wants to get with a woman, then he needs to romance her. If a man wants me to pay my half and doesn’t go out of his way to take care of my needs, then that’s how a platonic friend would act, and I don’t want to get romantic with platonic friends. if you go out with a man, and he expects you to pay for your half of dinner, open all your own doors, doesn’t really go out of his way to show you any special kind of consideration, and then he expects to have sex with you? If a woman has sex with a man after that, then she clearly has no self esteem.

    • marshmellow says:

      Yeah, but, I don’t find that behavior romantic. If a man insists on paying for my dinner, opening all of the doors, and pulling out my chair, I still wouldn’t have sex with him. Those just aren’t the sort of things I use to judge whether or not I’d have sex with a guy. It’s a lot more complicated than that.

    • Minimi says:

      Wow Talk about self esteem! Deciding on having sex with someone based on if he paid your dinner or not is not about self esteem…sounds actually a bit awkward…
      Good manners should go both ways. If I were a man I would feel pretty uncomfortable with the thought of someone having sex with me because I paid their dinner.

    • A.Key says:

      “If a woman has sex with a man after that, then she clearly has no self esteem.”

      EXCUSE ME??

      Honey, if the way to your bed is through doors and food, then you’re the one who’s actually cheap.

      I usually appreciate intelligence and humor way more than money or rehearsed expressions of politeness, but hey, to each their own.

  40. India Andrews says:

    I love a little chivalry on a date.

    Life is so uncivilized now. Most people have abandoned those little touches that make the day pass more pleasantly for everyone.

    In its place we have be loud, be in your face, too much TMI, and take lots of selfies. Such a crass, narcissistic society we have become.

    Just because a guy holds a door doesn’t mean he thinks you’re a weak, second class citizen. Just say thank you. Someone still tries to make your day nice.

  41. Georgia says:

    She clearly likes what she likes–why should she express it differently?