— Piers Morgan (@piersmorgan) July 5, 2016
About a month ago, Jezebel had a piece called “It’s Time To Ignore Piers Morgan.” It came after Piers inexplicably decided to go after Beyonce and Mohammad Ali, amongst other hot-button targets. Piers has very real issues, and much like Stacey Dash, his career at this point is “professional troll.” I would have been content to ignore him, except Piers decided to focus his trolling on… Tom Hiddleston. And Piers versus Hiddles is enough to make me sort of halfheartedly defend Tom Hiddleston. Piers wrote a lengthy column – a column in which every sentence is a paragraph, because who dares to edit THE Piers Morgan? – about how Tom Hiddleston is embarassing himself completely and the “I HEART T.S.” t-shirt was a twee too far. You can read the full piece here. The basics:
Oh Tom. Tom, Tom, Tom, Tom, TOM. What the hell were you thinking????? I could handle the beach canoodling in Rhode Island. I could handle the hand-in-hand strolls through the streets of Rome. I could even handle the country walks with Tom’s mum in the wind-swept UK county of Suffolk, albeit with slight concern at the haste with which things had moved to parental introduction. All seemed perfectly natural displays of blind adoration consistent with the first flush of new love. But then came the T-shirt and tattoo. I stared at these latest photos for several long minutes, soaking in the full horror of Mr Hiddleston’s crime. Surely Britain’s hottest thespian talent hadn’t morphed into a fawning, love-struck pop star fan-boy? This, after all, is the man who wants to be the next James Bond, the most rugged, tough, manly movie icon of them all. He’s also 35 years old, so no spring chicken in Tinsel Town years. But it was sadly, shockingly true: he had.
There was our Tom, the Night Manager himself, in a white vest crying ‘I (heart) T.S.’ To compound the horror, he also had a love heart inked on his right arm with a ‘T’ on it. The pair frolicked together in the Atlantic ocean with a bunch of Taylor’s young friends including Gigi Hadid, Karlie Kloss, Ruby Rose and Uzo Aruba, giggling away as they hugged, kissed and piggy-backed through the surf. When one left the water, so did the other. It was like watching recently separated Siamese twins having a reunion play-date. All perfectly fine, if it wasn’t for the T-shirt and tattoo.
When a man tries so hard to publicly prove his love for a woman, it usually has the opposite effect. We’ve been here before with a famous Hollywood heart-throb called Tom. Eleven years ago, Tom Cruise destroyed his image in five minutes of utter madness during an appearance on Oprah in which he shrieked about his love for Katie Holmes whilst treating the couch like a trampoline.
‘He’s gone,’ sighed Oprah. ‘He’s gone. The boy is gone.’ She was right. Cruise became an instant global laughing stock and has never recovered. Neither, of course, did the romance itself; Ms Holmes departing stage left a few years later from the hideous train-wreck of life as Mrs Cruise. Tom Hiddleston’s T-shirt and tattoo are just as cringe-worthy as Cruise’s couch-hopping, and may prove to be similarly disastrous to his career…Tom, I’m a massive fan, but for the love of God, what are you doing? This is NOT how you win the Bond gig.
Men think you’ve completely lost the plot and women think…. you’ve completely lost the plot. It’s just so shudderingly uncool to behave like this in the full knowing glare of the paparazzi. Even if, and let’s be generous here by espousing this theory, you’re just trying to have a little joke on the media. No real man would indulge in such a stunt, even if it was a joke, especially not one who has aspirations to be a macho movie star. It’s beyond excruciating, right up there with the time I stumbled upon two married co-workers sharing a Big Mac by literally passing bits of meat to each other using only their mouths. They thought it was sweet, I thought it was sickening, as would anyone else who had the misfortune to witness it.
Let’s cut to the quick here: Daniel Craig would rather shoot himself with his own Beretta than be seen wearing a T-shirt and tattoo like this. He would instinctively know it would be the death knell to his personal Bond brand. I now have to hope and pray Swift-Hiddleton really IS all some weird, elaborate hoax on the media and unsuspecting public. The alternative explanation is unthinkable: the man who would be Bond is a gigantic, toe-curling, insufferably infatuated and sycophantic wuss with women.
In the grand scheme of things, I don’t really mind the “I HEART T.S.” t-shirt. Meaning, I don’t think the t-shirt means that Tom is insufferably weak or unmanly or whatever. Meaning, the whole Glorious Tiddlesbanging of 2016 has been like a crazy fever dream, but the t-shirt wasn’t the straw that broke the camel’s back. It was just another drop in the bucket of shady, crazy, twee nonsense from these two. And I personally would find it cute if Daniel Craig wore an “I HEART R.W.” t-shirt, but the difference is that Daniel and Rachel Weisz have been together for years. What consistently bugs me about the Tiddles stuff is that it SO EXTRA so quickly. The Tiddlesbanging isn’t even a month old and that’s what bothers me.
Still, I can’t help but think that on a fundamental level, Piers Morgan is (gulp) right: Tom Hiddleston is doing real, long-term damage to his career. Many Dragonflies won’t look at him the same way after this nonsense and this really isn’t the “right kind of exposure” for an actor.
Photos courtesy of WENN, Fame/Flynet, Twitter.