Ivanka Trump created an efficient 21-minute sex playlist for her anniversary

Screening of 'Sonic Sea'

When I think of sex-songs or “songs that get me worked up,” I think of: anything by Otis Redding, anything by Marvin Gaye, the early works of Nine Inch Nails, Portishead Live At Roseland, and at least half of Prince’s work. If I want slow, soft and sexy, I’d add Jeff Buckley’s Grace to the list (OMG!!). Obviously, I am not Ivanka Trump. Ivanka Trump does not get “worked up” in the traditional sense. When Ivanka wants to have sex with her husband, Yentl Kushner, she plans a staid and decidedly DRY affair with an efficent and utterly boring 21-minute basic-bitch sex soundtrack.

HuffPo discovered that Ivanka had created the sparse Spotify playlist a few weeks ago, ahead of what would be her eighth wedding anniversary. The fact that Ivanka planned out a boring 21-minute sex session for her anniversary and that she wanted to hear these songs while Yentl kept his socks on… well, it’s depressing. Here’s the playlist:

Screening of 'Sonic Sea'

Once the sex is over, what is she going to do when “Ordinary People” starts playing?? That fact that she has two John Legend songs is just… sad and funny. Funny because John Legend hates her ass and sad because those two Legend songs are pretty boring and vanilla. Categorizing those songs as “sex songs” is giving up on your ability to have a Big O. And who is still listening to James Blunt?!?! For the love of God. I’m not trying to bring more Kushners into the world, but girl, I could create a better 21-minute playlist for you in like two minutes. Start with Otis’s “Try a Little Tenderness,” then ramp it up a little with Portishead’s “All Mine.” Then phase into Jeff Buckley’s “So Real,” and then go full-throttle with NIN’s “Closer.” Close it out with Marvin Gaye’s “Trouble Man,” I think. You know what, Ivanka? Just save this list for the next time you see Justin Trudeau. Trudeau won’t want to use the playlist, but you can use it by yourself as you think of him. Maybe I’ll add “Hungry Eyes” to the list.

Maybe we’re not giving Ivanka and Jared enough credit though – they do have three kids together, so obviously, they get down. They’ve gotten down precisely three times, at least. But I just can’t picture it. The problem is with Ol’ Yentl, actually. Like, I could actually picture Ivanka closing her eyes and thinking of Trudeau, generally speaking. But Yentl is so… sexless. Unappealing. Neutered, like a Ken Doll.

Embed from Getty Images

Embed from Getty Images

Embed from Getty Images

Photos courtesy of Getty.

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125 Responses to “Ivanka Trump created an efficient 21-minute sex playlist for her anniversary”

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  1. minx says:

    Ew, ew, ew.

  2. Arwen says:

    I don’t know whether to laugh or throw up.

  3. Kristen820 says:

    OMG, Pretty Hate Machine soooooo does it for me! Glad I’m not the only one, Kaiser 😈

    • Kaiser says:

      My sex-song list is pretty much Peak ’90s. But early NIN gets me going!!!

    • detritus says:

      ahhaa ditto. You bring me closer to god. Such a raw sexy song. No wonder my parents HATED it.

      Being a bit eclectic, I also thoroughly enjoy the 90s hip hop and R&B too. Genuwine and 112 and maybe throw me some dancehall while you’re at it.

      • Squirrel4Ever says:

        I don’t know how he’s not heard it all these years, but Mr. Squirrel and I recently made our 14 year VERY grossed out with “Closer”. Ahhhh. Annoyed my parents, grossed out my kid. The perfect song.

  4. T.Fanty says:

    There is no way that boring pile of dryer lint she married can go for 21 minutes.

  5. browniecakes says:

    John Legend: “please leave me out of your narrative”.

  6. Ankhel says:

    Who wants to finish listening to Adele? Or is that for the allotted cuddling?

  7. Beth says:

    They’re pretty dull and fall asleep before they even start. NIN “Closer, ” was mine and my boyfriends song 20 years ago. He’d never heard it before, but when he did, he said it was perfect for us. lol. I should have the guy I’m dating now listen to it. Perfect

  8. Thebees says:

    The impeachment playlist sounds more appealing!

  9. WendyNerd says:

    That picture of them behind Trump is so funny. They look like pod people. Fitting for the actual horror film they’re inflicting on the world.

  10. Juls says:

    Come on guys, you mean to tell me those sexy designer ladies’ sunglasses he’s wearing in the bottom pic don’t get your motors running?

    • Beth says:

      That picture and the one of him playing with his pretty hair don’t get my motors running, they’d make me want to run away from him quickly

  11. Jerusha says:

    Anytime I feel the need to purge, I’ll picture these two rutting.

  12. Erinn says:

    That is a depressing playlist, my god.

  13. someone says:

    Just curious – if you are Jewish do you find it offensive to hear him called Yentl Kushner? It seems like there are plenty of reasons to mock Jared (and the Trumps) but I’m not sure why his Jewish background is one of them.

    • Bettyrose says:

      Yentl was a woman masquerading as a man.

    • LadyAshkenaz says:

      I’m Jewish, and I literally registered just to say I find “Yentl Kushner” the absolute funniest thing I’ve heard in days. I’m rolling over here. Not sure why it’s so funny, but I honestly don’t feel any anti-Semitism in it (though I’m sure some people ARE using it that way). It would be funny if they said “Malka Kushner” or “Chaya Kushner” (stereotypical old lady Jewish names), but Yentl just takes the cake since it’s a reference to a movie about a Jewish girl dressing up as a boy to go to Yeshiva. Huge part of Jewish pop culture and all that.

    • Veronica says:

      It’s only an indirect reference to his Jewish background by association to the movie. Yentl is a film about a young woman (Barbara Streisand) playing the part of a young man in order to get a religious education in a strictly orthodox Jewish culture. Jared Kushner is a Jewish man registered to vote as a woman in New York City. In both cases, the gender flip is entirely unconvincing to the camera. Does that explain it better?

    • Kaiser says:

      What Veronica said, I was making a specific (and linked) reference to Jared registering to vote as a woman.

      • someone says:

        Thanks for the explanation, Kaiser. While my parents drug me to the movie Yentl as a kid I completely missed the reference. Makes complete sense now!

    • Lolo86lf says:

      Jared always seems so together and calm. He is kind of a cute dorky quiet type isn’ he? I truly hope he gets a bit more lively in bed. Ivanka should give him some XTC and see what happens. He might be wild in bed or something who knows. I just wonder.

      • Ashamed 2 ba FL Girl says:

        I think more than “together and calm” he is just too stupid and doesn’t want it to show, unlike his “showy” wife. I read, I think in Vanity Fair that “Jared is so dumb he couldn’t empty a boot if the instructions were on the heel”.

    • Yael says:

      I suppose it depends on how it’s used and the intention of the user. It made me bristle a little because I’m Jewish and I, and other members of my family, have been insultingly called that in an antisemitic way (alongside many, many other musical theatre based insults(!) by anti-semites with limited brainpower but seemingly with subscriptions to both the Daily Stormer and Playbill). It would certainly be less uncomfortable perhaps if the writer were Jewish (maybe they are?), for example a jokey name within the family or a gossipy aside in the community, but I understand that that’s my own experience flavouring my reaction.

      tldr = Intention is everything and ymmv.

    • magnoliarose says:

      No, I don’t, and everyone here can attest to my being a defender of my people. I know Kaiser isn’t an antisemitic person and she used some funny Yiddish in some posts. I wiped a single tear from my cheek in pure joy.
      We mock Yentl so much it may as well be a family meme.

      I know we are living in tense times, so I believe a little levity now and then lightens the heart. I don’t mind humor as long as it is funny and doesn’t punch down. The abuse on social media and over the internet has been out of control and my husband has been a victim and so have members of my family. Amy Siskind has received so much hate it is mind boggling.

      But Yentl is hilarious. I imagine him in Yeshivish clothing singing Papa Can You Hear Me very very earnestly.

  14. the_blonde_one says:

    I am surprised the list wasn’t:
    Julie London- My Heart Belongs to Daddy
    Fleetwood Mac- Oh Daddy
    George Michael- Father Figure
    Heartland- I Loved Her First

  15. Giddy says:

    Otis Redding for the win! But I think that while Princess Barbie’s boring music plays, she changes into her black dominatrix outfit. Boots with chains etc, while she ties up Jared. Yes, I think that he secretly seethes and begs her to whip him. She is, of course, happy to oblige. It’s the anniversary special!

    Now I made myself feel urpy. Blech!

    • Ankhel says:

      Nah. Lamb Leatherface puts on a maid’s uniform and starts dusting. Little Yentl wears baby clothing and toddles around on the floor, getting a little duster slap each time he tries to look up her skirt.

      You’re all welcome.

      • Juls says:

        @Ankhel: Jerusha broke my ribs, and you just finished me off! I can’t breathe I’m laughing so hard!

  16. Bettyrose says:

    Just get Pandora playing non-stop Bowie.

  17. QueenB says:

    I am sure John Legend is THRILLED!

    Both the Kushner brothers seems super sexless.

    • Layla Beans says:

      I was just going to comment that! John Legend trolls Don Jr so much, as does his wife to DJT, and here’s Ivanka getting down to Legend’s music.

      HAHA!

  18. Jayna says:

    Just put on a Freddie Jackson greatest hits album.

  19. skyblue says:

    Crap…I still like to sing along with James Blunt on occasion when driving. Really loud! And alone. 🤣

  20. grabbyhands says:

    Kaiser – Trouble Man YESH. That whole album is amazing, Also So Real!

    But yeah, leave it it to a Trump to include a song about a stalker in their sex playlist. She probably thinks The One I Love by REM is a love song too.

  21. dani says:

    Yentl 😂😂😂

  22. lower case lois says:

    Who makes a Playlist that’s 21 minutes long and includes Your Beautiful by James Blunt and no Barry White.

  23. Eric says:

    Ok I have to admit it. I got “Closer” percolating in my brain. Love me some NIN, especially PHM and The Downward Spiral (which is apt now because that’s the theme of the WH).
    It’s too early but hfgkfjdhdsgsfkfhdjkuhfkfh.

  24. Chef Grace says:

    My soul just puked. 🙂
    I figured they just had artificial insemination to get the kids.

  25. Tiffany says:

    So she is one of those people who does not listen to lyrics of songs. Like when everyone was chosing My Heart Will Go On as their wedding song.

  26. Beach says:

    Forget the music. As hot as she is I bet they knock boots all the time!

    • Eric says:

      @beach
      I doubt that. Don’t even want to get into who she’s “knocking boots” with.

      I just threw up in my mouth

    • lightpurple says:

      More like everything is scheduled far in advance. This is corporate merger as marriage.

    • gwen says:

      @Beach
      Maybe Jared enjoys having sex with a mannequin. I can’t picture Ivanka getting too worked up, she’s more like a hurry up & get it over with kind of gal.

    • magnoliarose says:

      Russian troll. We are on to you. Clue:No one says knocking boots anymore.

  27. greenteaandrosehip says:

    1. “Pour Some Sugar on Me” by Def Leppard
    2. “Poison” by Alice Cooper

    my two ultimates for revving up the horizontal tango…

  28. Mabs A'Mabbin says:

    Lmao at NIN. Right? Gawd. And don’t kill me but White Zombie brings it. :p Love my 90s music… Alice in Chains, STP, et al. At the other end of the spectrum, I’ve always loved Chade. My list would definitely be diversified (perhaps along the entire vein of seduction from beginning to end) lol.

  29. queenE says:

    Jared looks like the world’s tallest 9 year old with his ‘big boy’ hair cut

    #vomit

  30. Natalia says:

    Kaiser, you forgot Bryan Ferry the sex voice of the 90’s: Don’t Stop The Dance and Slave to Love!

  31. Beckysuz says:

    Ok Funny or Die has a hilarious series about Ivanka and Jared. They make fun of their sex life and how neutered Jared seems. It’s so funny

  32. brooksie says:

    I hope Chrissy Teigen gets wind of this. I’d love to see her reactions.

  33. holly hobby says:

    OMG this article is hysterical. But yeah they must lead exciting sex lives – not.

  34. Veronica says:

    It’s amazing what wealth makes palatable.

  35. D says:

    Love NIN, but Massive attack – Mezzanine (album) works too 😉

  36. Catherinethegoodenough says:

    “You Shook Me All Night Long” by AC/DC.
    This post has made me day! But we’re neglecting an important consideration: WWJD? What tracks would Jared pick for his annually scheduled sexytime? I feel like he’s the kind of guy who’d just put “I’m bringing sexy back” on repeat and act like he wrote it. While doing an awkward socks-on dance.

  37. Lucy says:

    No comment. Portishead’s All Mine, though. Hot damn.

  38. Jaded says:

    Little Feat “Romance Dance” does it for me. This is how it happens with them….

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xs2ZoHEvqzc

  39. Moirrey says:

    “When I Was Your Man” is a truly bizarre choice. Good song, but Google the lyrics – it’s a man who regrets not treating his ex better. It’s not something that should make anyone turned on… Anyone who isn’t Ivanka Trump, I guess.

  40. senna says:

    I just want to say that while I find Kushner’s entire personal history revolting – the white-collar criminal father whom he defends, his choice of Ivanka for a partner, his shitty lack of ability to manage people working for him at the Observer, his support for the worst president in history – I find him extremely attractive. Yes, he’s effeminate and meek, and yes, I think Kristen Wiig should have played him on SNL instead of Jimmy Fallon. No, I have no sentimental feelings for him whatsoever. Nevertheless, if I came across him in purgatory, I would hit that like the fist of an angry god. He’d probably run away in terror, though.

    I’m entirely sure this embarrassing fact about me won’t come back to haunt me when I’m caping for someone unpopular around here, right guys?

    • Veronica says:

      He’s not a bad looking guy. Not my type, but hardly an ogre. One could do worse for a marriage of privilege and convenience. His lack of personality and ethics is what makes him ugly.

    • someone says:

      From some angles he looks a bit like Tom Brady, who I find attractive. In the second picture down in the background of Trump he really looks like Tom. Just finished reading the article about him in last months Vanity Fair and while I wouldn’t defend his personality, intelligence or morals I don’t think he is unattractive. There are men like Elon Musk that try as hard as I might I can’t find the attraction……

  41. kibbles says:

    In the first bottom photo, it looks like they could be related. At this point they have the same nose. Some people here were saying in previous posts that they thought Jared was cute. I just don’t see it. He’s tall and thin, and I guess if you’re into that maybe you’d find him attractive, but I don’t think he has any sex appeal whatsoever. I’ll admit to a guy being sexy even if I dislike him as a person, but Jared doesn’t do it for me at all.

  42. TyrantDestroyed says:

    If I had to chose a baby making song from John Legend, that would be P.D.A. All those songs are just boring but then the only though of Ivanka and Jared getting on makes me puke.

  43. Amandahugandkiss says:

    Otis Redding and Closer by NIN?

    Are you me Kaiser?

  44. Dr.-Mrs. The Monarch says:

    Flight of the Conchords: It’s Business Time. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AqZcYPEszN8

  45. Nancypants says:

    I’m not even all that old but the list includes Dinah Washington, K.D. Lang, Ella F., Diana Krall,…

  46. Jezza says:

    I just assumed they had no sex, and she outsourced her pregnancies and got herself a Beyonce pregnancy pillow.🤷🏻‍♀️ I mean, c’mon really? Basic Barbie and Asexual Ken getting down??

  47. shouldawoulda says:

    you are going to prison, you shady ass bitch!